Meeting "That Guy" Online
Things change and life happens. We have to keep up or at least retain the ability to laugh at life changes. I have chosen to laugh at changes in the world of dating. There is no way I can keep up! I am simply too old. My heart and soul seem to be stuck in the good old days when a blushing young man haltingly asked a young lady on a date with the expectation that he would pick her up and pay for the evening before delivering her safely back home. Maybe, just maybe, he might quickly kiss her goodnight after he asked permission to call her again. Those days are long gone. I am not sure when they disappeared… sometime between 1984 and 2006.
Dating is not nearly as simple in 2012 as it was in 1982. We now rely on Internet dating sites and Craigslist to find the really great men. Naturally I have met some truly wonderful friends through online dating sites. Maybe we did not work out as “happily ever after” but that is life. It is more complicated now than it was in 1982 and I am all the wiser and far, far less trusting. So aside from the really sweet friends I have met online I have also met some men worthy of a little satirical writing. I will not wax eloquent about these guys. Oh no. I wax eloquent about my friends. These guys? These guys I mock and ridicule.
Before I begin mocking and ridiculing these men I need to be clear that I did not follow best practices when it comes to safety and online dating. I was not completely reckless but I was naive. I suggest that anyone new to online dating should read articles concerning safety and best Internet dating practices before meeting men. I think this means of meeting people has the potential of being a great experience or an all out disaster. Be safe and keep a sense of humor!
I met Cheap Guy Number 1 through Yahoo.com back in the day. After a couple of emails Cheap Guy picked me up at my apartment and took me out to dinner. He took me to his favorite restaurant. This place, he explained, offers the most food for the money of any place in town and FREE lemonade. Great! I can eat like a horse and drink as much as I please on our first date. He ordered for me because he knew the biggest portioned dinner for the least money. We gathered our tray full of cheap food and headed for the FREE lemonade. Yep. It was free all right. He ordered free water with our bargain meal and then headed for the condiments bar. He whistled as he squeezed lemon wedge after lemon wedge into his free water. He then emptied multiple packs of sugar into the cup and stirred. I passed on the FREE lemonade. He cheerfully ate his rot gut huge meal and told me every cheapskate trick known to cheap guys. When he took his last bite of rot gut he told me how to make free tomato soup. Fill your pockets with ketchup packs and simply mix with hot water when you get home. He eyed my tiny purse and said, “Next time bring a bigger purse.”
There was no next time. I walked home.
I needed the exercise after eating a giant helping of rot gut.
The Pacific Northwest is a funny place with funny people who eat funny diets. They eat a lot of vegetables and tofu sautéed in olive oil. They by and large avoid meat, gluten, dairy, and carbohydrates. I am a misfit. I tried to go vegetarian one evening but decided that broccoli just was not broccoli without a little bacon grease to season it. I do not care for tofu and prefer butter to olive oil. I eat meat at every opportunity and wash it down with generous portions of gravy and bread. I am, in short, a food miscreant and I tend to hang with fellow miscreants.
I met Fall 2008 Date Number 17 through another online dating site. We exchanged multiple emails and spoke several times before meeting. I knew that he enjoyed biking, the great out-of-doors and was an active member of a local church. I truly looked forward to meeting him.
We met. We chatted. He was funny and had a nice a smile. He drank his tea; I drank my wine and then we ordered dinner. I should have known something was awry when he ordered a bed of greens and his eyebrow twitched when I ordered a greasy bacon cheeseburger. But I was a naive food miscreant.
At last! My greasy bacon cheeseburger arrived! His green stuff arrived, too. His eyebrow began twitching again. I picked up my burger. Grease dripped down my chin. I closed my eyes and was drifting into a state of burger nirvana when I heard my date utter, “I am vegan.”
My burger nirvana shattered into 1,000 nightmares.
“I am sorry.”
He accepted my apology.
Note to self. Ask the next date’s view on bacon before meeting. A vegan and a food miscreant could never be compatible.
I do not remember when I met Pot Guy but I certainly remember the place. It was a hot summer evening. We had exchanged several emails and a lot of information. He was a retired physician and was now pursuing his dream of organic farming. He had a few chickens, a few head of cattle, some pigs and a large crop of organic something or other. I really did not care what he grew organically so long as he ate meat.
We met at a great café right on the river. We sat outside in the beautiful sunshine and sipped drinks with umbrellas. He was witty, laid back, intelligent, relaxed, charming, tranquil….
He told me all about his beautiful farm and how much he enjoyed restoring the farmhouse and outbuildings. He loved spending time on his tractor and in his huge organic garden.
“So what do you grow?”
He leaned in close and whispered, “Pot.”
We enjoyed what remained of the hot summer evening but I never saw him again. I had my reasons. On the plus side… he ate meat.
For more mocking and ridicule fun please stay tuned to my “That Guy” Hub series. I have collected many, many more stories. Seriously? What happened between 1984 and 2006? Where was I?
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