Memories That Cause Pain

Damaged Emotions

As a child I grew up with parents that came from down south from the cotten picken country. My dad picked cotten for a living, getting a measly 50 cents a week. He only had a fourth grade education. He finally got tired of that life and found a man that he was told would bring you up north for $25 on the back of his ModleT truck. My fathers older sister had already gotten up north so she sent him the money to come up.

Here he worked in a fast food store called Littons washing dishes for a living. He met my mom at a Holines Church were her dad was the General Bishop and Overseer. My mom only had a six grade education and cleaned other peoples houses for a living. She had a Choleric Melancholy temperment. Man she would explode and whip us with anything she could get her hands on. Every thing was doom and gloom, fear of this fear of that with her. Nobody was good enough for us. I use to fear sitting down at the dinner table becuase all they did was criticise tease and pick, pick, pick about something about each other or some one at church.

My dad did however learn to read but his older sister never did but she had a fantastic memory; she was the family historian. She could tell you what date every body was born and when they died. My dad taught himself automobile mechanics and body and fender work. He got a job as an automobile mechanic. He has this Sanguine personality and love to charm the ladies. He loved to ride moter cycles and shoot photography. I loved my dad because he never yelled at us or use just anything to hit us with. He would use his belt but only hit us one or two times. He would never hit us anywhere but on our fannies. We would twist and turn but he some how never struck us anywhere else

My grand parents on my dad's side had four boys and a girl. My grand parents on my mothers side had three boys and a girl. My parents had four boys no girls. My mom use to say she wish she had a girl and would dress my younger brother up as a girl baby because he wa so cute. My father said to my mom when he gets to be one years old all that will stop, he aint raising no fimanine boys. I kind of woundered if she had rolled the dice one more time she would had a girl. She said she had enough of us boys, and she did not want to take the chance of having another boy.

My big brother was six years older than me and my twin bother, my younger brother was two years younger than us. I remember when my mother said she had to go away because the Stork was going to bring us a new baby. They did not talk of such things as sex and being pregnant. Those kind of things was taboo. I later learned about those kind of things from the books that I uncovered around the house after my parents were out of the house. I became an avid reader of books back then.

I use to hate it when my mom would leave the house, she told us when we got older that I would cry like crazy. I had a scar on my right shin. She told me it got there when I had one of my crying bouts and that she snatched me out of the crib so violently that my leg hit the crib rail and borke. As we got older when my mother left the house I had to look forward to something that my older brother would inflict on us. I use think that he wa angry that we were born taking away his only child status. I remember one time he use to make us stay in this box that my let us play in after the new refrigerator ws taken out of it. We would tell my brother we had to go to the bath room and he would put a milk bottle in there and say use this. I looked back on that incident and finally realized where my claustrophobia came from.

My fathers sister left my grandfathers church and started her own and proclaimed herself Bishop. My father went there with her so that he could be one of the elders. He never made elder under my grandfather. Turn of events would have it the women some how convinced her congregation she was the sign of the second coming of Christ and that all other churches are corrupt. My mother use to send us to that church when she did not want to be bothered with us, but she kept my baby brother with her so she could show him off as her cute little girl. She said if she over had a daughter he would never let her out of her sight.

Well as the enemy would have it all of this lead up for the the biggest spiritual battle for my life. I came to know the Lord as my personal savior at the young age of 15. I've been saved for 50 years now. But it has been a fearsome spiritual battle even up untill to day. I use to not believe in demons and the supernatural until my father brought a Wiji (or is it weejee)Board into the house. My mom started seeing dark spectors that would sit on her at night and the middle of the day. She would see people sitting looking out the window that no one else could see. I would have continual dreams of falling endlessly. At one time I looked into a clear glass marble and seen people moving about. Come to find out my fathers church believed in mercy killing of the elderly but nobody came forth to tell. My father tried to get me to do that to him I turned it down.

My twin brother became an alcoholic at 15, he later died from a severe epileptic fit because he rather drink than take his medecine. My younger brother some say, commited suicide while using drugs. It is just me and my older brother left now.

"Somewhere between our sins, on the one hand, and our sickness, on the other, lies an area the Scripture calls 'infirmties.' " -David A. Seamands- he says they are like the recorded rings of our lives. The scars of ancient, painful hurts. These scars eat away at us causing all sorts of interpersonal difficulties. I have an anger problem, I have feelings of poor self esteem, a root of bitternes had developd in me that I did not know I had. I resented my mother and I resented my father for not protecting me from my mother's tirade of whippings. I resented the fact that religion kept me caged in and not being like the other boys, thinking I was a dummy. Yes I was saved but I did not feel the love of God in my life.

I became a preacher and like most preachers I had the idea that being saved and having the "Holy Ghost" should overide these emotional problems. I found no quick cure for my problems. there was no catharises anywhere. I had to learn to live with myself and allow the Holly Spirit to work his healing in me. "For it is God who worketh in you both to will and do of his good pleasure.(phil. 2:13)"

Maybe you are reading this and are going though damage emotions such as a deep sense of unworthy, anxiety, inadequacy, inferiority, you fell that you are no good or amount to anything. I believe in Gods love, I accept Gd's forgiveness and have felt his peace. But yet I fall down I don' t feel like praying. I sometimes dwell on my past and tell myself I'm not wothy to be called Gods child.The scars that we have need o be touched by God's healing.

I prayed and asked God to help me forgive my mother and father, to help me know that they too have damaged emotion and they did the best that they knew how. I was told by my mothers brother that she thought the world of us and loved us. My mind went back to the time when I was playing in the school yard and I was hanging from a bar down in the stair well too scared to let go because i thought that I would fall and break my leg. My hand began to burn with pain as tears came to my eys; I looked up and there was my mother. She told me she was home cooking and somthing told her I was in trouble. She found me in that big school yard and got me out of there. I still go to that spot today and look down in there. I still can't believe that that had me scared.

Our damaged emotions have us scared but God is bigger than any of them. He will reach down and pull you up. It only matters what God thinks and not we ourslves or others. David says in Ps 139:14 "I am fearfully and wounderfully made." You are too my friend, God made you, He can fix you, all you have to do is let his love penetrate down into your damaged inner self.

God Bless and heave smile upon you

1 comment

Justcallmeleroy 7 years ago

One day oscarcsm, I will share my life as well you have been through a lot the things that you are going though now are things God has and will helped you with already. You will look back and see you how God is helping you with these times. God Bless you I want you to know when I pray my words will be for God's help for my brothers and sisters and I will hold you in my thoughts when I pray.

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