Why Men Don't Want to Get Married
Many people say it's fear of commitment. But there's another issue.
Men have various reasons for failing to make a commitment to get married. This discussion is meant to provide a little-understood reason for what otherwise seems like a commitment issue.
There is a general consensus that a fear of commitment indicates one is commitment-phobic, but what about men who have no trouble at all committing to other things in life?
For example: making a good home, helping other people, and working on their career, to name a few. There's never a fear to commit to these things. Do men only have a fear of a love relationship?
Something else with their thought process may be getting in the way. In some cases they get stuck with their own stubbornness and end up losing a good opportunity with a great person.
I know, I've been there. And I can say that we do know what we want! And we do want commitment! But we need to realize it quick enough while the opportunity is still available.
There is something else that occurs that slows down the process of reaching a commitment. That is a failure to communicate and share feelings with one another. This requires both partners to be willing to share. It's a two-way street.
Discussing the feelings and thoughts that we have can open to door for the partners to work on a solution, rather than letting the relationship stagnate until one or the other decides to leave.
To make my point, I'm going to describe a personal experience as an example. It helped me learn a lesson, but only after giving it thought many years later.
What's Getting In The Way?
I was in relationships were I became frustrated with one thing or another, sometimes for good reasons where there were real red flags. However, there were also times when I was unwilling to recognize the quality of the woman I was with.
Because of that, I lost out on what might have been the wonderful life-long relationship that I always wanted. For example, one girlfriend was still living with her parents at the age of 37. We had a close relationship with mutual love and understanding. We appreciated each other's strengths as well as our weaknesses.
I felt like it was a safe haven being with her. We were discussing the possibility of marriage. But I wanted to see how she would function living on her own first. I wanted to be sure that she knew how to take care of herself.
How silly I was. Looking back on it now, I realize that I never considered all the ways in which she had already proven that she was world-savvy.
Anyway, who cares if she didn’t learn certain things living at home. She can learn later. We all continue to learn new things throughout life anyway.
After all, when I started out on my own at the age of 20, I remember how quickly I picked up knowledge of the three C’s…cooking, cleaning and caring for myself.
I noticed how quickly dust appears from nowhere and in no time I understood the importance of keeping a clean home. I discovered, early on, that cooking leaves residue on the kitchen floor and it needs to be mopped regularly.
As for cooking, I remember when I first cooked rice and didn’t realize how much it expands. I ended up making enough rice for a whole week! The point is that anyone can pick up on this knowledge in no time.
Overlooking Positive Traits
As for this wonderful girlfriend... we had several discussions about my need to see how she functioned on her own. I explained how I thought that she should live on her own first, but she didn't accept my reasons why I would not let her move in with me direct from living with her parents.
She didn’t feel that it made any difference living on her own first. I was being stubborn about it and the relationship eventually ended. Looking back on it now, I realize I was being silly. The next guy she dated recognized how special she was and married her.
I was really being silly. You know how hindsight is 20-20? Well, now I look back on that experience and I think how great it would have been teaching her things she didn’t know. What difference did it make that she may be lacking some real-world skills? Why should that have mattered? Why didn’t I think that way then?
For that matter, she really wasn’t lacking anything! What Was I Thinking? I wasn’t considering all the wonderful things I had already learned about her.
She knew enough to pay attention to other people’s needs. I saw that with the way she helped her friends, her parents, and yes, even me.
She took the time to go out and get things for people when she saw they needed something. She was attentive to my needs by her own observation. No request ever had to be made. It was simply natural for her.
Concerned About Minor Issues
When there are good things going on with your partner and you know in your heart that you have a quality relationship, don’t let minor issues appear to be red flags that you are just making up in your own mind.
The fact that my girlfriend lived at home at the age of 37 was really not a red flag at all. I just made it into one. I somehow forgot about all the wonderful things I already knew about her. I was stubbornly focusing on my silly need to see her living on her own.
I was able to think of these things clearly years after we broke up, realizing that it really didn’t matter if she lived on her own or not. She had all the necessary qualities anyway.
But it was too late. I was simply not allowing myself to be emotionally available and aware at the time when it would have mattered.
So what are the lessons here?
We should consciously be paying attention to everything that’s good about our mate, and the relationship in general.
We shouldn’t overlook the positive. If we do, we may end up focusing on the unpleasant things and make those things more serious than they are.
Failure to Give Full Attention
If we don't learn from this we might continue to let silly things stand in our way. Emotional availability is required to focus on what's going on and giving a relationship full attention. I realize now that I didn't give that particular relationship my attention to recognize the good in it.
There are indeed real red flags in some cases with certain people, and I've experienced my share of them too. But that tends to set us up to expect it with every new relationship, and it doesn't necessarily have to turn out that way.
The next person we meet could very well have their act together and may just be the exceptional person we want to spend the rest of our life with. So my conclusion is to be ready to consider that.
Review of Lessons Learned
- Pay attention to everything that’s good.
- Don't overlook the positive things.
- Give the relationship full attention.
- Recognize the quality of the person you're with.
- Stay focused on what you really want.
© 2009 Glenn Stok
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