My Relationship of Ten Years Just Ended: How Do I Get Over The Breakup?
It is only natural to feel hurt, and that will take time to heal. However, you can begin to heal more quickly by looking at the situation for what it truly was: the end of something that was dysfunctional and not so great. That may sound harsh, but honestly if he/she really wanted to be with you, then they would have married you by now. Some couples prefer to just live together, but many people still still want to get married if they really love each other that much. I have cared about people in the past who did not care about me, and believe me it hurts when it ends. However, you must look at the other person in the equation, and realize there was not much love lost when they ended a relationship of ten years. This person may care about your feelings, to some extent, but they did not care enough to be with you. The question is: do you really want to spend more time than necessary mourning a relationship that was probably bankrupt from the start? The key is the moving on and realizing you deserve something better than a relationship that is only so-so.
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The Reality of the Break-up
I knew one man that was devastated when his girlfriend of five years left him. However, what he did not realize is that she was happy to break the ties, and was having fun with her new boyfriend. However, her new relationship did not last very long, but that is not always the case. Sometimes when people break-up with us it is because they have met someone they are more compatible with, and I have gone through the pain of that. However, it is better to be strong and self-loving, and to wish your ex the best of luck in that situation. Honestly is takes a coward ten years to realize they did not want to be with someone.
I actually refused to date one guy who had dated his ex-girlfriend on and off for ten years. I pointed out to him she had probably wanted to get married, and he said no because she never brought it up. Perhaps because she had too much pride to breach the subject, but he did not really seem very sensitive about the thoughts of others that way. Oh he was an nice person and all that, but I would not want to be in a relationship with him! He was the type of person that only wanted to hang out when it was convenient for him, and I realized he had done that with his ex.
I remember a woman who used her current boyfriend to move away from home, and to rebel against her parents. However, the boyfriend often would sit home at night listening to messages her "guy friends" left her on the home phone, and become increasingly irate when she came home late. It was pretty obvious all along what she was doing, and not really a big surprise when she forced him to move out, and started dating other people.
The truth is: if a relationship is destined to be, the couple usually wants to get married within the first couple of years. There are some couples that do not want to get married, and you have to decide if you are okay with that. Couples who do not want to get married still can have stable and nurturing relationships though, so do not excuse your significant other on a continuous basis by saying they are just "scared," or needs space. If they wanted to be with you in a true sense of the word, they would not need that much space to say the least! Personally I would rather be single than date a guy who is okay with that kind of relationship, but you have to decide what is best for you.
There are many good relationships where people do not get married, but if you want more, you have to make that clear early on. Also, read the signs and see how your significant other really feels about you. If you are doing most of the calling, that might be an answer. If they seem distracted or do not have much time to spend with you, that might be another answer. Do they make a lot of little flippant and hurtful comments that you write off? If so, I often believe people really show their true feelings through a thousand small remarks without revealing what is really on their mind.
The bottom line is if the relationship has been rocky from the start, then you are better off being apart. In a good relationship things are not perfect, but your significant other is not forgetful, hurtful, or apologetic when they just never seem to be able to spend time with you. For the last two years I have known this guy who was very flaky towards me. He made it known back when we met that he hates to go out to movies, museums, and really did not want to do anything I enjoyed. He also made it clear he did not want a relationship with me, but texts every now and then to say he misses me.
Over the weekend a wishy-washy guy sent me a text saying how he could see us in a relationship, and I told him if he wanted that we would have made that happened years ago. I also pointed out he is primarily occupied with his own interests and comfort, which is not bad if that is who he is, but that is who he is! I told him he should spend time with girls that enjoy that, and that we can be friends that talk, but I have no interest in spending time with him. I also told him I believe the right person for me would have made a relationship happen, and not just make weak references to how this could happen when he is lonely or bored. Like clockwork I only hear from him when he seems to have nothing better going on, so I no longer take him seriously. He is a nice person and we have some good conversations, but that is the extent of things! I am not saying living with a boyfriend of ten years is like that, but in many relationships you can usually tell if someone was really committed to you or not.
Think back and make a list of all the times they disappointed you, said hurtful things, or just did not seem that enthusiastic in your company. If the list seems overly long, then that means you really do not need to spend much time mourning the break-up. I am willing to be friends with the guy who acts flaky with me, but that is about it. Actually after two years I feel pretty sorry for him because I think he is really a confused person and does not know what he wants out of life, or he would not be sending me such paradoxical text messages. You can always be friends with your ex if you care about them, but the break-up is probably for the best.
Make it your goal to be happy in your new single status. Do some activities your ex was never up for when you were a pair. Who knows, you may even meet the person you are destined to be with while engaged in activities you enjoy. I have been there and been sad when someone broke up with me, but what helped me get over it pretty quick was the knowledge the other party usually was happy about the break-up. Life is too short to mourn the loss of a relationship that was not meant to be.
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