My Heart, My Enemy

There is a fine line between love and hate, sanity and derangement. I am not certain which side of those lines I am on at this particular moment. Please my darlings, allow me this indulgence. I want to scream and to cry and to yell to the whole world that my heart is hurting. I want someone to tell me something that makes complete and relentless sense about what I am feeling and experiencing from this loss of love. I want to understand the reason that we live and love and lose love before our bodies are no more, and we become spirit. And presumably once we are spirit, we understand it all. On the “other side” it will all make sense. In the midst of my pain, that makes no sense at all.

I’d sooner skip the pain and move on to the peace. My heart and my brain war against each other. And there is a peace that can only be found on the other side of this war. I know that. I don’t like it, but I do know it. I am standing here again, a lone soldier on the battlefield of my life. I contemplate how lonely alone is. I am trembling on the inside, nothing on the inside of me is still. I must hold myself together, and so I reach for my icy-cold, steely strength, just so I don’t fall apart. And falling apart is all I wish to do. Can’t do that though. Alone won’t pick me up and pull me back together. So I guess it’s just easier not to fall apart in the first place.

In the second place, just let me fall apart. Oh God I hurt. I am angry at this wound, this punishment, this wretched pain. I want to pick it up and throw it against the wall, or hold it under water until its life drains out. I want to hurt this pain like it hurts me. I’ve pushed it away so many, many, many times in my attempt at sheer avoidance of its complete experience. I have run from it, and so delayed its deliverance of hurt. I don’t want to hurt. I am so like a child wanting its mother to cradle it and protect it from all that is bad. Love is just not that simple.

I feel like the example that God made to show the rest of the world how blessed they are to have found love. I cannot now, nor do I believe I ever will, understand why I have been doomed to living my life without the love of a partner in the realm of an intimate relationship. These twenty years have come and gone in what seems to be the space of three breaths. My fear is growing old, and I feel I am too worn out from this loss to ever try again.

I would curse the day I met him, but I love him too much to do that. I am full of contradiction, and everyone around me may see me as such a fool. Maybe I am. If I am, I have been for love.


© 2012 Bella Nina

More by this Author


Comments 12 comments

brandasaur profile image

brandasaur 5 years ago from Planet X

Everybody went through what you are experiencing right now. Most of us get hurt, abandoned and left by the one that we truly love. But don't lose hope, there's someone at there that is so right for your love. Don't worry, everything will be ease away. those pains will give you lessons that will make you much better and stronger person. Find yourself first before loving again because I know we got lost once we give our everything to the one we love.

Don't be sad, everything's gonna be alright!


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Your words are both nurturing and healing. Even a little healing is better than where I was even an hour ago. Thank you for taking your time to read my work, in so doing, you took time to listen to my heart. That is a very great gift.


L-Crist profile image

L-Crist 5 years ago from Arizona

Amazing! I have sooo felt what you describe. It does get better...and becomes easier to pack all of that feeling into its own little box and put it on the shelf. My desire to take the box off the shelf and immerse myself in its contents used to be a relentless need. Now? I can leave it on the shelf for longer periods of time. I'm finally almost at the point where I am ready to tape it shut. I LOVE the line you wrote: "I am standing here again, a lone soldier on the battlefield of my life." Wow. You captured that sooo well! I can't wait to read more of what you've written!


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you L-Crist for your comment. I appreciate what you wrote very much. Please read my other work, and feel free to comment. I am now following you as well.


Highvoltagewriter profile image

Highvoltagewriter 4 years ago from Savannah GA.

A very powerful hub filled with pure honesty...Great job!


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 4 years ago from USA Author

@Highvoltagewriter ~ Thank you so much for your comment. And this hub is my honesty, I have laid my heart bare. Thank you for appreciating that, it means so much to receive feedback.


gmaoli profile image

gmaoli 4 years ago from South Carolina

This line really stuck out for me: "I have run from it, and so delayed its deliverance of hurt. I don’t want to hurt." I'm no expert when it comes to finding love myself, so I hope what I say helps. If you're still on the search for finding that special someone, it may help to try to focus on the things on your life you enjoy doing. Is it traveling, writing, reading, music? If you focus on the positive things you enjoy, you'll find that you feel better about who are you and what you do with your time. When that happens, you'll attract the attention of others around especially if you talk to them about what you enjoy. That might very well get the attention of that special one that wants to share that special romance with you. Most important of all, whether you are seeking love or just someone to be your good friend, you'll find people that will be there who actually do care about you as a person and not take you for granted or betray your trust. I hope this helps in some way.

Well written! I hope to see some more from you!


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 4 years ago from USA Author

Very good advice gmaoli. Thank you for reading, and for your comment. It does help to be around others who care about you.

I wrote this piece to express the pain I feel by not being with the man I love. I cannot have him, and it hurts so much.

Every day is a gift. I know that. I still have hope that one day I will be in a loving and fulfilling relationship with someone who is a great love, and best friend.

Please read more of my work, and comment. I appreciate so much having feedback from those who read my work. Thx again!!


Brandon Spaulding profile image

Brandon Spaulding 4 years ago from Yahoo, Contributor

Very good description of matters of the heart and how they contradict the mind at times. One moment you feel on top of the world and then when it comes crashing down you can feel like the most miserable person on the planet. This is something we all have in common and as such we all can understand a connection through pain as well. The good thing is even when we experience the pain of either ending a relationship or feeling bad about something in a current relationship is generating good feelings can come again. I rated you up and beautiful. I try to provide some interesting hubs. Please check out my hubs on emotional intelligence and how EI can be used to manage relationships, yourself, emotions, and life. I haven't always exibited high emotional intelligence even though I have always seemed to show great potential in this area. I've overcome a lot of pain in my lifetime and developing emotional intelligence has played a key role in that. Have a great day!


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 4 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Brandon. I appreciate your input.

Love at its best is difficult. Love that is lost, well, sometimes I think we need a new word for that.

And when we are in that place of loss, it is a good thing to find the strength to get up each day, and live it. That is the hope of love.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

You have talent! What makes it interesting reading your hubs is that they sound like poetry and yet are written in a non-poetic style. I greatly enjoyed the two I have read so far. Bravo!


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 4 years ago from USA Author

How encouraging you are billybuc, and I appreciate your reading my work very much!! I hope you will read more, and enjoy. It is wonderful when others take what we offer in our writing!!

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working