My Husband doesn't Love Me!

For a period of time I had a website about traditional marriage in terms of a Christian union and God's instructions for the married couple (man and woman). The site was doing quite well when I decided, for personal reasons, to remove it from the world wide web, and I always kept track of it, where the majority of hits were coming from and what search terms were bringing in the traffic.

I noticed that the search terms often seemed to reflect "my husband doesn't love me!" or "how can I make my husband love me?" My heart went out to these women who felt so lost and miserable, because I've been there. As a woman, I still frequently question my husband's love.

Many conversations with Christian men and women alike would indicate that this is probably because he just isn't "built for" love the way that I am. Men and women often stumble in the way in which they communicate with one another, and I have found that it is very easy for a man to look upon a woman with a man's understanding and for a woman to look upon a man with a woman's understanding.

I don't have all of the answers, ladies, but I do have some of them, and a good dose of sympathy to go along with them!

Every marriage has the potential to be a happy marriage -- but it does take work!
Every marriage has the potential to be a happy marriage -- but it does take work!

Your Marriage has Potential

Exchanging vows and rings isn't a guarantee of a successful marriage. I'm afraid that many men and women enter marriage believing that the vows themselves are enough to hold a marriage together. Granted, if two people take seriously those vows, then they are likely to remain married, but that doesn't mean that the marriage is necessarily "intact." Saying vows is not a guarantee that you are going to be happy in your marriage.

What your vows and your rings do mean is that your marriage has potential. Both individuals within the marriage have potential. You have the potential to succeed or the potential to crash and burn. By putting forth significant effort to make your relationship work, you bend the potential in the direction of a successful marriage.

However you may be feeling at the moment in your marriage, there is potential. You will find that if you put forth an effort towards improving and making your marriage work, that you will change the energy in your home and between yourself and your husband.

Make Him Love Me!

I think that women go through various stages in their relationship when they first begin to see it failing. They start out with "what's wrong with me? Why isn't he being loving towards me?" and progress to "what's wrong with him? Why doesn't he love me?" and finally "God, make him love me!"

For those who can relate to the last of the above statements, please do bear in mind that God doesn't quite work that way. He isn't going to interfere with the free will of the individual. He isn't going to "make" your husband love you. He may soften your husband's heart towards you, and He may open your husband's eyes to your need for affection, but He isn't going to force your husband to do something.

You, likewise, can't "make your husband love you." What you can do is provide the right environment in which he can shine and therefore be a better partner in life and a better lover to you.

Please note that the following is based on the common thinking patterns of men and women. There are, as always, exceptions to the rules!

Don't be too Quick to Judge Your Husband

Many women are too quick to judge their husbands. Unless your marriage is in very serious trouble and communication has broken down beyond repair, your husband would very likely, if asked, tell a stranger that he does love you. He most likely would be telling the truth.

Men and women don't view love in the same way. Women see love as an action: your husband loves you when he takes the time to give you that much-needed back massage, or when he doesn't complain about having to come get you in the rain because you blew a tire.

You can't see his feeling of love: what you are able to see is his loving behavior. So instead of saying that your husband doesn't love you, start by changing your own language: He isn't behaving in a loving manner or I don't feel loved when he does that.

Changing your thinking can go a long way to making you a happier woman in your relationship, and will very likely affect the way that your husband treats you. It will certainly change the way that you feel!

You can't make your husband love you, but you can change the energy in your relationship.
You can't make your husband love you, but you can change the energy in your relationship.

Changing the Environment in Your Home

In this hub, I'm not going to set you off on a frenzy to clean your house. I'm not going to set you to work making an elaborate meal for your husband or put you to work for months to lose a lot of weight. I am also not going to tell you that these things will have no effect in your relationship: they will. In this hub I want to address the key way that women can begin to change the energy in their relationship.

You might be reading this because you have a deep longing to be loved. I can understand that. As a woman, I have that same deep longing. We want it from our parents, from our husbands and from our children. We want to be loved, cherished and cared for (there are exceptions, and different ways women need to be cared for, however).

Most men aren't like that. Your husband isn't likely to fall apart if you don't rush to greet him at the door the moment he comes home from work. He probably isn't going to lose his mind if dinner isn't on the table at exactly the same time every single night. These things aren't going to make him feel unloved.

Your husband may not even be able to put his finger on his own need, but based on biblical tennets, researchers have been able to do so: Your husbandneeds respect.

Before you get all excited, please allow me to sympathize. I know you respect your husband! I know you appreciate him and that you love him! And I know just how crazy it is that he doesn't feel it!

Just like other men "know" how crazy it is that you don't know he loves you.

This is where we're mis-communicating, ladies. You know what your needs are, and he knows what his needs are. Most women assume that their husbands need to be loved the way that they need to be loved and most men assume that women need to be loved in the same way a man needs to be loved.

Sorry, it's just not true.

Now you can wait for him to figure out what you need and start adjusting to your needs. Or you can begin to meet his needs and see what happens. In most cases, if one partner makes a chance for the better, the spouse will follow in the right direction. I will talk a bit more about how to do that in a moment.

Your journey to feeling more loved by your husband is going to begin with you. You could be waiting for forever if you wait for him to get the help that he needs, so it's better if you're willing to be the help that he needs! If you are willing to show your husband respect, you will see a change in the environment in your home.

The change to your marriage almost invariably begins with a more peaceful living environment.

Learning to Respect your Husband

This begins as a very internal process. I recommend getting a pen and paper handy and preparing to do some exercises before you take this to your husband. Depending on how damaged your marriage is, this could take quite a bit of time and effort. It might even produce tears. My experience showed me, however, that it was worth it.

I recommend doing this any time that you find yourself feeling seriously angry and hurt in your relationship with your husband. Eventually it becomes the kind of habit like counting to ten slowly and breathing deeply -- it will help to change your angry feelings into good feelings about your spouse.

So, go ahead and get your pen and paper. Take your time, but do the following.

  • Write down three things about your husband that you respect. If you can't think of three right now, that's fine! Just write down one!
  • Write down three things about your husband that you admire.
  • Write down three things about your husband that you appreciate.

There are other points that are important to your husband, but these three will get you off to a very good start, especially if you are feeling very angry or hurt. For the time being, only you need to really be able to meditate on these things. Thinking about them alone should help to change your attitude towards your husband.

The next part is harder, but it is vital.

Do this, and only this. Don't add anything to it, and do it just as instructed.

Tell your husband I respect you because you ...

Choose a time when you feel that he is receptive, choose one thing about him that you respect, and tell him what it is. Then walk away. Just walk away. Do nothing else. Don't try to engage him in conversation (most men don't want to anyway) and just walk away from him. Let him process the information. And watch his reaction.

You might not get a reaction at first, or at all. If your relationship is very badly damaged or if your husband has lost trust in you, you might get no reaction at all. Don't give up.

Credit for the "respect dare" to Emerson Eggerichs in Love and Respect, which can be purchased at above right.

Female Reader Poll

Do you feel that your husband loves you?

  • Yes
  • No
  • Only some of the time
  • I'm not married, but I like to vote!
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Male Reader Poll

Do you feel that your wife respects you?

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  • No
  • Only some of the time
  • I'm not married, but I like to vote!
See results without voting

Communicating your Needs to your Husband

Communication in a marriage is absolutely essential. If communication breaks down between married persons, the marriage may appear to be doomed to fail. Many people don't know the basics of good communication, and it is very easy for it to break down during a fight.

You have a need to be loved, and your husband may not be meeting it. The truth is that he might either not know how intense your need is or he might not be aware that he isn't meeting it! The key is to respectfully convey your need to him in order to get it met.

Try "XYZ statements."

"When X happens, I feel Y when you Z."

These are also known as "I statements."

The point is that you don't put the person to whom you are speaking "on the spot." You take the pressure off of them by making the statement about you and how you feel. For example, my husband and I have been arguing about which cell phone service we should have. He is arguing that we shouldn't have a cell phone at all, and I feel that we should, but opt for the cheapest plan possible. Because he is the head of our household and makes the decisions, he's put his foot down. I'm feeling frustrated, unheard and unloved. So I say something like this:

"When we're discussing an issue, I feel unheard and unloved when you don't listen to my point of view. Would you please hear what I have to say about why I feel we need a cell phone?"

This very often helps to cool down an argument as well as making the other person more receptive to hearing what you have to say.

It is also worth pointing out that most men will hear the words "would you" as more respectful than "could you" and you should always try to use the grammatically correct words in this case as it will affect the way he hears what you're saying to him!

But I Feel Abused by my Husband!

If you feel abused or are (definitively) being abused by your husband, please seek immediate help! Depending on your situation, marriage counseling might be a good first step, but if your marriage is physically violent, please get out now.

More by this Author


What do you think about love and respect in a marriage? 65 comments

lxxy profile image

lxxy 7 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

"Exchanging vows and rings isn't a guarantee of a successful marriage."

Another well done Hub, my wub. This is why I found it fascinating that Permutation One decided to view marriage as a concept, not a law.

It does take work. G|M's parents have been together for nearly thirty years! And if you think it's all been bright and shiny, you've another thing coming.

But marriage is about commitment, sharing your life with someone, and hopefully deciding to make a great family. Or, if nothing else, own some dogs or cats. ;)


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

I think that many people are looking for a guarantee. There just aren't any!

Thanks lxxy!


mamacoots profile image

mamacoots 7 years ago from Louisiana

I definitely agree with you here, especially about the respect. My parents have been married for 51 years, I'm sure they've had bumps along the way. I'm working on 18. You have to want to "be married" and "stay married". It's a decision you have to make each day.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

It is, mamacoots. There have been so many times we could have gone our separate ways and given up instead of working things out. I think that those who make it do so because of dedication and hard work!


livewithrichard profile image

livewithrichard 7 years ago from Charleston, SC

Good hub EM. A few days ago I also wrote two hubs on the subject of marriage. The first was 7 considerations before getting married http://hubpages.com/hub/Before-Marriage which included your respect, admire, and appreciation. The second dealt with defining what a "traditional" marriage actually is, if that is even possible since it chages whith the whims of society, including the Christian Tradition http://hubpages.com/hub/Traditional-Marriage I appreciate your take on the subject.


lxxy profile image

lxxy 7 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

The only guarantee is that you're either willing to work through each other's idiosyncrasies, or you're not.

;)

lxxy


coffeesnob 7 years ago

Good hub.  I know many times the thing that has kept us going is that we view marriage as a covenant and not a contract.  Too many times that one of us has not kept up our end of the bargain and if we saw it as a contract - then it would be too easy to break it.  Covenent marriages have the language that says I "choose" to love!  thanks for the hub and good work


IslandVoice profile image

IslandVoice 7 years ago from Hawaii

We're currently helping out a dear friend who just got a call from her husband who told her, he doesn't love her anymore. Of course, she is devastated, as we are for her. I'll be sending this to my daughter who will need your good advise to see this friend of ours through her crisis. We hope the marriage can be saved. Very timely hub. Thanks!


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

You're welcome, IslandVoice! I hope it helps!


Carol 7 years ago

There's a book that is so great about all this - it's called "The Respect Dare" - a friend of mine took this class called "Daughters of Sarah" and it's all about the stories from the women from the class! They spend 1o weeks working through Ephesians 5:33b and the wife shall respect her husband - the book is all these examples of how the wives in the class applied respect. It's really practical and a devotional. Doing it in a group really has made figuring this out easier for all of us. We've been able to help each other. I like Eggerich's L&R, but this is written from a woman's perspective and has a lot of stories and applications in it. I got mine on amazon.


Narayan 7 years ago

Great. I like it.


no body profile image

no body 7 years ago from Rochester, New York

You have a lot of wisdom and remind me of my wife. She has worked hard on breaking the model she has seen her whole life of women not needing men. We are both Christians and your insight is amazing. On my wedding day to my first wife, her dad gave her away. When he was to put our hands together in a symbol of his blessing for us he jammed them together. I thought at the time that he was just nervous and made a mistake. Years later I found out that he had ordered her to marry me to get her out of the house. I had never heard of such a thing. I got saved in '78 and I didn't believe in divorce and worked hard to win her love. I guess in some ways she did love me but not in any way I could feel. My wife now loves me to pieces and we serve the Lord together. I feel so sorry for the women who yearn for their man to love them because I have been there. God hears their cry and feels their pain. Thanks for the hub.


anon 7 years ago

That's really sweet no body!


Claudia Adães profile image

Claudia Adães 7 years ago from Portugal

Hello,

In every relationship there should be respect. If there isn't respect, there is not a relationship, but something that soon will end.

In marriage when things go wrong, most of the times is because things were never right. When people fall in love, they might start a relationship that may end in marriage. But most of the times people get married without knowing each other. They only think they love each other.

We all have habits, we are animals of habits. We don't change a lot. We get older, but our temper is the same, what we like is the same, our habits are the same.

What happens when people get married is that they start living more time with the other person, at the same house, with more bills to pay...

Before marriage they only met to be together, after marriage they are always together with the rest of each others'universe - so respect is essential like knowing each others' habits and feelings towards different situations - we can not change the other. Before anything else we must know if we love and accept the other as he/she is, not forgetting that the other must know me and accept me as I am. There are those things that we can change and those things that we can not change - are we ready to live with it? But most important of all, before the others, first we must love ourselves and respect ourselves in order to be able to love and be loved.


wayne 7 years ago

Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will. "Feelings" go away and most marriages never get those good old feelings again. People talk about rekindling the flame, but it usually lasts about as long as a birthday candle. People also say "marriage is a 50/50 proposition" . I believe that it has to be a 100/100 proposition in order for it to work. I have done a lot of pre, present and post marriage counseling and the ones that I have seen work or get back to working again (even after separation) have all needed to make willful decisions to really work at it. It's not easy, but even the worst can be repaired. Feelings go away. True comittments last. God bless you all!


mulberry1 profile image

mulberry1 7 years ago

This took me a few years to figure out. I knew that men and women had different needs, cognitively, but I didn't really know what they were I guess. Luckily, my husband was able over time to tell me that respect, appreciation, admiration were all needed. Actually, it probably happened when we were both reading a "relationship" book. Good info!


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 7 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

That is some wonderful tips you have on relationships. Keep it up.


vani_2k8 7 years ago

You have given very good information of about husband & wife relationship. I am facing a same problem my home. my husband has love on his family more than me. I you see this message please give more tips for getting love on me from him. Thank u


Kimberly Bunch profile image

Kimberly Bunch 7 years ago from EAST WENATCHEE

Good Hub! Here's one that might help too! http://hubpages.com/hub/happymarriagewhileparentin...


JO 7 years ago

this thread is in need of a rebuke of all evil posted here. treat your neighbour how you would want to be treated. love your husband. love your wife. marriage isn't about you. love does not seek it's own way. repent, ask for forgiveness from the Lord God. forgive your husband. bless and do not curse. love your enemies, your reward will be great. "what God has joined together, let no man separate" "do not commit adultery" "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command." "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than men! The God of our fathers raised Jesus from the dead—whom you had killed by hanging him on a tree. God exalted him to his own right hand as Prince and Savior that he might give repentance and forgiveness of sins to Israel. We are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey him." 1 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance. 5"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. 6"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.'[a] 7'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8and the two will become one flesh.'[c] So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 10When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery. 15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. [e] So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself [f] with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" 11"No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."


reeltaulk 7 years ago

Then leave......why live in hell with this Truth. Move on, plain and simple. You as well as your mental and heart will have to heal that would be the best medicine for now. Now that you know the truth set yourself free! If you want to stick around I would gather you are in this marriage for some type of convenience. I don't believe that anyone is that insecure that they will stick around with a reality as such.

Move on with your life, true Love if not a temporary Lust is awaiting!

Vonda G, Nelson


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Vonda, did you read the hub?


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Vonda, did you read the hub?


Annie4 6 years ago

Wow, everyday Miracles, you really created a stir here. I am still reeling off the various opinions. May I say, I like your take on relationships. A marriage is not a prison term at San Quentin, it is hopefully based on trust, love and respect. If that leaves and one or the other is not able to complete their vow, there should be options. Martyrs are a dime a dozen. That being said, tucking tail and running away from a marriage because "it's too hard" is ridiculous. Great hub. Thank you.


jxb7076 profile image

jxb7076 6 years ago from United States of America

I think if men and women took their differences at face value, with the understanding that they are created separate but equal we would have greater successes in relationships.

My philosophy has always been that there is no woman on the face of the earth who can measure up to me and by the same token I will never measure up to her simply because we have been given unique abilities by the creator for a balanced relatonship.

There are abilities my wife have that I could never compete with so I accept them with pride knowing that where I am weak, she is strong. I grew up with five sisters who were very intelligent, strong, and compassionate. I learned at a very early age that the only difference between male and female is physical. We're built differentl for unique reasons. Everything else was a design by the creator for balance.

I gree with Wayn's comment "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will"


Kashish 6 years ago

Hi, I don't know who u are but would like to Thanks for coming as an angel in my ruined life.... It has been one and a half year since I have got married and after a week I got married I felt that my reltionship has spoiled completely... But I was just walking wid the conditions as dint had any option to go back to my parents.... But now as I know that How moch wrong I was, I am sure that conditions will be better very soon.... I will surely follow ur tips and improve my relationship wid my respected, admired and apperciated husband..... Thanks once again for being in my life..... God bless you........


sneakorocksolid 6 years ago

Can I just throw out a concept that will make this much easier for the ladies, "Madame Butterfly!"


Enlydia Listener profile image

Enlydia Listener 6 years ago from trailer in the country

Dear Everyday...I agree...it took me quite a while to figure out that it was respect "he" wanted...come over to my place and read my hub on "Relationships,Agh!"


rachel 6 years ago

sorry to post this but i need to tell someone...

i was a very loving and devoted wife but very imature and insecure as well. the day i decided to follow jesus my husband, who does not believe, said that we were different and would grow apart. but i decided to follow jesus anyway.

my husband was very romantic but he started changing, became depressed, i gave him all the love and suport i could but he said i was not enough.

i loved him , a complete and selfless love. i learnt to respect him and always be there for him, but he became different, cruel...and recently he confessed to be with so many other woman he lost count

i could never believe that...it is an excruciating pain, makes me desire to be dead...

i am atractive and young, i never refused him anything, i am a very passionate woman

how could he do that to me?

it is so very cruel

i know about a lot of beautiful, sweet woman in the same situation or worse...

he felt remorse but didn't repent

the world is very evil, i can't stand anymore, and i have no desire for anything

i am severely depressed

i trust god but sometimes think of suicide

my husband says he loves me but he confessed he does not know what love is

he said, if you wait for me, maybe someday i will love you the way you want

i think is very hard this test

while i was praying and fasting for him he was betraying me

i never pursued him, i would never find out by myself because i learn to respect him

but now he says he wont do that anymore but sometimes i don't know where he is, im freaking out and i cant ask him because if i do it he would say is better we separate...

and when i seek god the tells me to forgive my husband, to have compassion and love him

but is so unfair

i love him but not as before

i am reading about santa monica

i don't want to be a coward but the pain is unsufferable...


sarah 6 years ago

Dear Rachel,

Please, please please do not let your thoughts drift into such a dark place that you feel that you have to take your own life. The person you married is not a man who believes in the Lord or who has married you with his body mind and soul. Of course you must forgive (eventually you must), you must have compassion and love him. BUT, you can do all of these things while taking a needed seperation. You MUST travel and see what god has created on this earth for us. When you see the beauty of the world, and you see how insignificant your sadness (you will forget), you will find the strength you need to rise above. I am sure you are so beautiful and very passionate. But it is not you that made the mistakes. It is not because of you or anything you did, there is no blaming you in another persons choices. If you do not separate and find your inner peace you will not have done your duty as Gods child. To love another you also musst love God. I know it is hard, but fears you have WILL make you so much stronger. You do not need to be afraid, there is nothing to fear. Really think about that, there is NOTHING to fear. You may have nothing material, or a relationship but fear of your future (alone or together) should not be a driving force. He took your trust away. But you can trust that God is still with you and the fastest way to feel God is by enjoying the beauty in the world. Stop your life as you know it. If you have no kids join the red cross, peace core, whatever. It will take you to all the places you should be right now. If you have children, find a way to go camping with them. Get out and see that being alone, is not alone when you have god. You can still love your husband and you will forgive him. He will open his eyes when you open your eyes first.

I have been there. You will be okay when you let go of your fear and you realize how amazing life is, whn you are not stuck. God does love you.


sad wife 6 years ago

i don't know about anyone else. but i hate it when someone gives me "God" all the catch all for all problems.


alicia 6 years ago

When you have a relationship with God everything is easier. He cradles you like a baby and gives you strength you never knew you had.


ak 6 years ago

my husband is not loving me anymore but he pretends that he loves me. he hides every details of his life. he watches tv or just keep stuck to his mobile phone and i feel he is cheating on me because one number with no name on it and he gets lots of sms to which he has password blocked it and he talks on phone for more that 2hours daily. what should i do to get his love back as it was our love marriage. i donot know what to do


Saddness 6 years ago

My husband doesn't love me any more. There is another woman and he doesn't want to be married. We've been married for 22 years and Have 2 kids. I want our marriage to be restored.


Ana 6 years ago

@AK you should talk to your husband about it. It is better to stop him earlier than too late..


fidelity 6 years ago

Being a Christian does not make or break a marriage. Some people stay in a bad relationship until they become emotionally scarred. Humans are very complex and just giving out advice is not the magic fix. A person can fix themselves, not the other person. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If your husband is the "HEAD" there's no marriage! That is a king and his subject!! There must be equality and mutual respect for both partners or both will become dysfunctional and sick.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 6 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Scriptural headship has restored my marriage every time I've had the courage to return to it. That is marriage as God intended it. I question who are you to argue with God.


lakeerieartists profile image

lakeerieartists 6 years ago from Cleveland, OH

Talking and listening go a long way in keeping a marriage together. And I agree with you, you have to want to stay married. Two people living together are bound to have some friction from time to time, but if they are committed to staying together they can work it out. Very interesting hearing your point of view on this topic. :)


leighton 6 years ago

This not right...seems that you want the wife's to be desperate...frustrated and stupid and martyr to their husbands...we are in new generation...I tried all those things up just to keep marriage but still my husband don't change, by providing financially and doesn't have a dream for our future...this sucks and I want to go and live for my own...10 yrs being miserable with my husband is too much. I don't believe in love anymore cause love fades if other half abuse...


Just Scared 5 years ago

I am in my late twenties and have only been married for eleven short months. For the past few months something has been telling me that things are wrong. My husband is working late, secretly on the phone, and lets just say being "together" hasn't happened in months either. I asked him about things and he said work has got busy and being on the phone more is just part of that. I can't help but shake the feeling that there is something more to this story.

I so badly want the fairytale...but I know I live in the real world. I love him with every inch of my being...but now I question if you can love someone too much. We were together for two years before getting married and want to wait to have children. These should be some of the happiest years of my life...yet I find myself sitting in the bathroom crying wondering if he made a mistake.

My parents have been married for almost forty years now. I've been taught that you never run when things are bad...according to my mother "that's what's wrong with marriages today". As soon as someone gets angry they call a lawyer and it's over. I'm trying so hard...but you can't make someone love you.

I've been in one other serious adult relationship...and I was head of heels in love with this man. He swept me off me feet all the time. It was like the movies...I'll never forget one day when he was putting down our new hardwood floors and I walked into the room he looked up and stopped what he was doing and told me I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Cheesy I know...but I know he meant it and I remember that along with so many other moments so vividly that I have to believe they were true.

Anyway we didn't work out in the long run...and I met my husband years later. I hate myself for even remembering thatfirst love, but I can't get the way it made me feel out of my mind. I just don't know what to do. Believe me I know this is a "petty" problem compared to what other women go through...but if I feel like this now...how is it going to be another year from now?


whattodo? 5 years ago

I was told recently from my husband that he hasn't loved me for a very long time. I asked then why do you tell me that you love me each time you hang up the phone? He said he never wanted to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad. We've been married for 18 years and for most of that time he's not loved me? Great!!!! I believe I'm a good wife and mother but I have never felt love form him. He's treated me badly for most of the 18 years and I've complained about that to him. Now he's reversed it and is blaming me. I feel I've done nothing wrong and wanted your husband to show love is not a crime. He says he can't love me the way I want and doesn't even want to try. I don't get it. I guess I just stay in the married and feel unloved? I'll just the respect thing but what about his respect for me? He has no respect for anything I say, it's usually wrong or he doesn't listen. I don't want to divorce him but I think he's going to leave me. He says he wants to be alone and there are a lot of things he wants to do without me.


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada

Everyday Miracles, great hub, and it seems it has touched a great deal of people. I so much agree with you on your points. I too read the Love and Respect books, and went through this process. Christian counselling also helped to save our marriage, because we both learned what we were doing wrong. I had thought it was just his "meanness," but I was showing him disrespect in the way I communicated. Wonderful, heartfelt article .... take care.


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Rismayanti 5 years ago from Tropical Island

I agree there a different way man and women to communicate that sometimes made a missunderstanding, but it should be something to d on it. Both must open their mind for each other communication way.. still learning and adjusting how the best way


KB 5 years ago

I've been married for two and a half years and this is my second marriage. I was married for three years in my first marriage of which only 6 months we lived together. It was a horribly abusive situation both verbally and physically, but we had moved very far from home and I didn't have the will to leave until I found out I was pregnant. I grew up in the church but had turned away from it during my highschool years and it wasn't until I had no one and nothing to lean on but God that I went back. I learned so much through those years of being married to my first husband and three years of single motherhood. At that point I met an amazing man, deacon in the church, juvenile probation officer, similar goals and aspirations as I had. We connected so well, dated for 9mo, engaged for 6mo and marrried. God was so wise to let me go thru all I had early in life. After we were married I quickly discovered alcoholism, excessive use of marijuana, pornography addictions, paranoia of government conspiracies, and a complete distrust in christian people. In the first two years he lost his job, walked away from any church involvement, was charged with two felonies, spent time in jail, sank our business, and was more verbally abusive than I had ever imagined anyone could be. Here the man that I thought was the polar opposite of my first husband has put me thru far more turmoil than I could comprehend possible. We now have two children, my son who is 8 from my first husband, and my daughter now 18mo from my second.

But God.

God has a glorious plan for my life, he has trained me to endure. His word never fails and I can stand firm on what he promises me. I make lots of mistakes, I say hurtful things, I have emotional breakdowns, and I neglect to do things I know I should, but I am a living testament to Gods faithfulness. We have tried marital therapy... 3 different times, mentors, pastoral guidance, bible study groups, read countless books and it's all good information. Much like this hub has a lot of good information. We are called as wives to be the best wife we can be, to strive to be the proverbs 31 woman.

HOWEVER... We also need Gods grace and mercy and we need to remember that gods plan is greater than we will ever understand until it is complete. My first marriage felt like torture, if I had only known it was preparing me to love my second husband thru so much more pain. We can do nothing without God and he desires only for us to worship him and to live our lives to please him. Only He can do the rest. Respect your husband... Absolutely... But pray just as hard. Pray for forgiveness when u don't respect him... And more importantly pray for your husband and over your husband. I'm just closing my third year of marriage and it's still really hard. We are currently not even living in the same house, but I love him and I love God and I am believing that he will give us a break thru and I pray I don't taint it with resentment and an unforgiving heart. May God do the same in all of your marriages. Blessings in 2011!


Donna 5 years ago

Granted, I only read a couple. However, so far all I've seen is BS!

Do you really want to "Love Your Husbsand"? Then, "for god sakes," LOVE HIM. How hard is that? LOVE means to take from yourselves, to give to them. Love your husband, not only as yourself, but as what you would wish yourself to be.

It's tough! Yeh! But their love increases with yours! Love them. Love yourself. The "Two" go together.

Try it. Love, love, love.

If it doesn't work, you can always walk away. But, be smart. Give it time.

Love and God Bless,

Donna


Donna 5 years ago

Please forgive the "BS" comment, it was quoting a previous post. I apologize if I offended anyone.

Most Sincerely,

Donna :-)


Donna 5 years ago

By the way, I've been married to my hubby since 1992 (we've known each other since 1990). "TOUGH." We've had many years of changes. I've bugged him about "respect," and he's bugged me about "respect. But when you stop to think about it, if we don't "love and respect" each other, how can we be "two in one."

Us the Bible as your example. You can use the outdated hardships of the Old Testament, or you can use the NT. The NT doesn't give a woman the advantage. "No." Nevertheless, it DOES give a GREAT responsibility to the man to take care of his wife, etc. God doesn't gamble with this responsibility. The "Husband" MUST perform his duty. He MUST take care of his wife. He must FEED, CLOTHE, LOVE, GIFT, and make his wife happy.

That's part of God's plan. The wife has many duties, too, She must love her husband. She must show him that he is superior...

1 Corinthians 7:16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Live it! Be ONE!


kc 5 years ago

i feel like for the most part i do respect my husband! i recently started staying home to take care of his elderluy dad and our 8 yr old son, yes i do get payed and pay half the bills. i keep a extemly clean house and dinner is always done but usually i am gone for the majority of the day 4 out 5 days a week either doing arrands or shopping b/c i get sooo depressed i gotta make me happy so my son doesn't see me spiraling out into my dark depression mostly thats how i pull my self out of it honestly is to shop! i only spend my $! HIS $ IS HIS AND MINE IS MINE!he says no wife of his is going to be running the roads but i seriuosly usually have 1 thing at least i need for our house or his dad!


jk 5 years ago

I am pregnant with our second child and recently my husband of 12 years blindsided me by telling me he no longer loves me. He left our home and we are seperated. It has been a nightmare. I see no signs of another woman. I had been very happy in our marriage and are very confused by this.

Since he left he has told me that he doesn't understand why he doesn't love me. At first he didn't want to figure things out but after time he agreed to get counselling for himself and soon we will do couples counselling. He has begun spending more time with me and although he reminds me he doesn't feel love for me he does say he enjoys my company and cannot see his future without me. He looks tortured and looks like he desperately wants to love me but can't figure out how to feel that again.

Although it breaks my heart into a million pieces (and I'm pregnant and hormonal as it is) I have decided to be supportive and try to forgive him for the hurt he causes me. My friends call me a doormat but I say no - I'm in love and trying to save my marriage.

I will try the respect comments. I know over the past 12 years I have heard my husband say to me more than once he feels I don't respect him at times. I can tell you this - when/if the SOB does move back home and falls back in love with me, he is going to have to do some major damage control with my emotions. For now he gets to be selfish (at a time when I should be cared for more in the marriage).


Male and I must be different 5 years ago

I am male, close to 50 years old and have discovered two marriages. I can say I have only been in love with a girl three times ever. I married the first two I was in love with. I must be different as I see two other male posts declaring that love is not a feeling but a decision of willpower. Baloney. I was with a lady 22 years and about 20 of them she made me feel the way I felt about her. When these feelings changed, it was because of the way she was treating me, for the lack of attention a true lover and soulmate should provide. I considered it basically neglect in my marriage from her as I was trying to do everything and give her signs that something was indeed wrong. The love was not willpower, it was feelings that come from inside, the type of things people relate to hunches, or gut feeling. Ya know the butterflies in your stomach type of feelings that when you are aroiund somebody or the thought of that special person gives you without thinking about having those feelings. This love of 22 years...It then changed for reasons. I then felt no longer in love with her. I finally split up with her when I started having thoughts and desires for other women. Althought there were other women, only one I found I had uncontrollable feelings of love for her and I still cherish her til now because even though she is not here with me, I still have the special feelings for her.

This article may be perceived as how things are by a majority of it's audience but by no means is what will make me stick around in a marriage or relationship. I disagree with many things the OP has written. And if anyone wants to discuss it anonymously, here's an anon email of mine. ImLooking4Cupid@yahoo.com I even welcome the op to discuss it with me privately.


dusy7969 profile image

dusy7969 5 years ago from San Diego, California

Nice Hub.I know many times the thing that has kept us going is that we view marriage as a covenant and not a contract.You tell the good tips in this hub and thanks a lot for this sharing.


Sunnyglitter profile image

Sunnyglitter 5 years ago from Cyberspace

Oh wow. I needed this article about 6 months ago. You described exactly what I was feeling last year when you said: "I think that women go through various stages in their relationship when they first begin to see it failing. They start out with "what's wrong with me? Why isn't he being loving towards me?" and progress to "what's wrong with him? Why doesn't he love me?" and finally "God, make him love me!"

Seriously, that was my exact thought process. Wow. I am impressed.

Things are getting better now, but I'm bookmarking this just in case I ever need it again. By the way, I'm not married, but found this helpful for any woman in a relationship.


sundaynews profile image

sundaynews 5 years ago from Tampa, FL

It is good to remember that men need respect. It is easy to fall into the habit of showing disrespect to the people who are closest to you. Thanks!


Sun360 profile image

Sun360 5 years ago

Great and well packaged article which i so much enjoyed reading from and learnt from.Thanks for sharing.


afraidofhim 5 years ago

i don't now but my husbund cheated three times i forgave him and i feel like i cant trust him any more what do i do?


bambamkycn 5 years ago

I have been married for 12 yrs until now my husband have never reached out to me when we have an argument. I we had have periods of stop having sexual relationships talking to each other in occasions up to a month. He never reached out to me. he just plain ignores. I have been always the one who have to start talking to him and being loving, After I reached out and get the relationship going I end up feeling even more worthless and hurt. He has never give me an apology for any arguments that we had. I feel that relationship is totally up to me. He doesn't care at all if I leave or stay with him. I have left home before and have to come back on my own because I needed the economical support for my children. he accepts me any time i am back, but like i said he has no self-initiative towards this relationship is a total puzzle to me. If I reconcile with him and show him affection he will respond with affection, if not we just go on with our routine as if nothing have happened any advice pls help ! thanks


guera12345 4 years ago

Me and my husband got married because we had a son and I was pregnant. He told me that he didn't love me before we got married. We have been married for almost 2 years now and its been really really hard. I can't live this way anymor. A few months ago he starting talking to an ex girlfriend of his and he even went to see her. He loves her and not me but says he likes me and that he can't leave his kids. I don't know what to do and am desperate for help.


Saba 4 years ago

My husband n I r livin miserable lives. I am ready to leave him anytime. Why because he just doesn't care to know what my feelings are. If I am I pain how can things be solved, I have 2 amazing children age 1 and 2. At times I feel like I am single mom and taking care of everything. When my husband comes home from work I feel like I have another child to take care of and the we end our night with fight. We don't talk at all. The longest conversation we have is over the phone about bringing grocery home or dairy for kids. I told him every time we need to communicate we need to talk... Only thing he would come up with his not well,he is in pain, his head hurts, can we talk later, can talk tomorrow. How do I get it thru this guy. I honestly don't love him at all. I do try but then religion,parents,kids,culture crap comes in my way of leaving him. Then if I was to leave him and I have read lots of other stories how all the man are the same. Bloody cold heartless MAN. I do consider of being with women. It a sin but if you are with impossible man who u are hurting him and your self and kids all your life and toto hell. Or be with women who can truly understand you,can have amazing peacefull life housework kids chores everything is divided and perfect and then go to hell. I see it now when enough is enough I think I will just quietly run away from this country and start new life else where. Why do we feel so pressurize as women. I hate my culture, religion not so much only if every man and women were to follow. But that I don't see it happen.

Yes, I did loved him at one point. I even went to jail for him after giving birth to month old baby by c-section. All because of miss communication. He was never truthful and open to me. I could have forget that I went to jail. Buthelezi never even once said he is sorry for that instead. It was my fault n police did right thing. Which I didn't open my mouth to police n that was the reason I end up in jail. We do no have money problem in fact I had this settlement from my car accident which is we r fine. Just I feel like I m caged in my own home with 2 kids.

I was even blamed for cheating on him because our 2nd child is very fair. He had forgot so was his mother. I was blamed for being mentally I'll frm my car accident n he would just blame everything on me. Then at one point I did started to think maybe something is wrong with me. I took counseling atten end I didn't needed that he did. I got CAT scan krone I am perfectly fine.

My conclusion is been with this man for 4 years. Took all the shit I could now I have realize. Man or woman if you have disabilities in you, you call others disable. If you are scum bag, you will make other person feel like scum bag..... Also this was part of my frustration just had fight search up site..found this one. I feel good now. Give me some better ways to cop with him or shall I walk away? And how does lesbo thing doe it work? xo_sabi_xo@hotmail.com


Heather 4 years ago

respect isn't earned its learned


dallie 4 years ago

I am happy that so many people are trying to hang on with everything,but there are some of us who are really suffering in marriage.

My husband mom does nit think I am good enough for ,because I am a registered nurse, nasty things are said about me all the time.

My husbnads have many bank account ,but his mom's name is on everything.

I don't know if I am worng ,but this does not feel right when you have a covenant with someone + children.

This means if something should happen to him the kids and I would left outside ,because his mom hates my guts.

I have spent my whole lifet respecting him ,but I have never received the same courtesy in return.

Sorry this is too painful ,I cant write anymore.


hair bender profile image

hair bender 4 years ago

I really enjoyed this hub. I have a covenant marriage as well-this time. I have also written several hubs about marriage and how we have decided the leadership in our marriage is God first and us second. Men are simple creatures that want the same things we do-love, respect, trust, commitment, communication, fun and sex! Not necessarily in that order! LOL! I wish all these women could have their relationships mended and being in submission to their husbands is a great starting point!


lonely 4 years ago

I have been married for 37 years,and i found out my husband had an sms affair. How does one cope with that.


duzzy 4 years ago

Well what happened to me is I was dating a guy for almost two years. Then I found out his ex girlfriend moved back to our town and started talking to him. She was a really bad influence on him and was ruining such a good relationship that we had. I didn't know what to do and I had tried a few spells in the past from psychics, but none worked to bring him back. When I finally tried from the MESSIAH the other girl got out of the picture and he came back to me within a week. There are definitely some powerful forces out there that can be a true blessing! The email is freemercytemple@yahoo.com contact him and your relationship shall flourish


blessedmommyof3 profile image

blessedmommyof3 3 years ago

This is a great hub, I wish that people could see marriage like this, I feel like so many divorces could be prevented if us as women would just take a look at ourselves and put a little effort into fixing our own issues. Again great hub!!!!


BeautifulSoul 2 years ago

I am really thankful for you for writing such a useful piece of information. That is what I was looking for. Right now I am totally broken and the reason is my husband. He has broken me into pieces. I had so many expectations that he failed to fullfil. Whenever I am angry he tells it to his family. I cannot trust him now. I feel so lonely. I left everything for him and now I feel alone in the world. Please pray for me.

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