Trying To Have A Baby As A Lesbian with Frozen Sperm

Dreaming Baby Dreams

So, I am in a committed lesbian relationship. I have been with my first and only girlfriend for the last seven years. This wasn't something that I planned for my life. My past has been littered with men and boys in my life and when I met my partner, I realized who I was. I practically raised my younger siblings and I have always wanted to have kids of my own. I never realized how hard that would be without an essential part of the baby making process. Sperm. Believe me, I knew how babies were made, I simply didn't think it would be so increasingly frustrating.

I am still young, but I am approaching thirty and it sort of just hit me. I didn't realize how close I was to thirty until recently. I know it is more difficult for a woman to get pregnant the older she gets. So, what did I decide to do? Research. I am a pretty organized girl and I like to be prepared for things. When my sister had her first baby, my niece, I started to feel the baby bug tugging at me. I am an junkie and I found a book that I found to be quite helpful.

The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians

This book is the second edition written by Rachel Pepper. I found it to be incredibly helpful. A step-by-step guide to all things pregnancy for lesbians and single women. I found it awesome that it was not just geared towards lesbians, but also to single women who wanted to have babies. It's a realistic guide and brings a real perspective to the journey that I want to go on.

The first chapters talk about really thinking all this through. I never realized how much you had to think about when you are thinking about having a baby. Here's the deal, when you are a straight couple, its pretty easy. You do the deed and either conceive a baby or not. This is how a normal fertile couple gets a baby. For a gay couple or a couple with fertility issues, this isn't as simple.

The book brings up that you need to make sure you are financially stable, that you are healthy and that you make a plan for the future. This first chapter made me stop and think. I am living paycheck to paycheck right now and while I know that I will be a great mother and my partner would make a great mother, do we really have the means to support a child? I think of all those couples who have a child, an 'accident', and they do just fine. If we wait until we are SURE we will have never have a baby.

Choosing Known or Unknown Donor

So my friends consist of two women. I don't really have many friends and I don't really trust many people. I don't surround myself around men and boys often, not because I am opposed to men, I just don't find many men who respect my relationship with my partner. So, when I got to this section of the book, I didn't really think that a known donor would be a good idea. I don't know anyone that would be able to donate. However, since there may be someone reading this who had the access to a known donor, here are some things to keep in mind:

  • There are great reasons to use a known donor: You already know what he looks like or how he acts. I found out that fresh sperm is more active, so having fresh sperm is the most effective way to get better success. If you cannot afford frozen sperm, using a known donor is an excellent option.
  • There are also some drawbacks to using a known donor: The book talks about trusting the man's behavior. You have to hope that they are using safe sex and not consuming alcohol and marijuana. The donor may not be available when you are ovulating and able to provide the sperm needed. There are also legal things to keep in mind. Its best to get in touch with a lawyer to draw up the paper work and to be very clear with your donor what your wishes are and discuss these things on both sides before starting.
So with limited male friends that I know the Sperm Bank is the next logical step. I was really glad that the book brought up the different options here. You can use a donor who wants to be known or a donor who doesn't want to be known. My partner and I thought it would be a good idea for the child to have a willing to be known donor, so when they turn 18 they can find their father if they chose to. Its also more protected for couples using a sperm back, both legally and healthwise. 
It goes through the questions to ask of the sperm bank and it was helpful in that sense, because I couldn't imagine even thinking of asking if the donor had produced living children before or what their post-thaw sperm count would be. I am glad that I read this section because it left me with good information. It also brought up how to choose a donor. The biggest question is how you want the genetic make-up of your child.
The one thing that made it difficult for us is the money factor. Sperm is expensive. Its like liquid gold. I could not believe the amount of money that sperm banks were charging. There are registration fees, the donor information fees, the mailing fees, and the actual sperm fees. It is upwards to $1000 per mailing of the frozen sperm. I live paycheck to paycheck and that is just not feasible.

Final Thoughts

Neither option for sperm accessibility is a good fit for us right now. Its discouraging, but I keep up the hope that someday I will have a little me running around. I realize we just have to get our priorities straight and prepare. There are so many people who are against gay parents having children and I don't understand why. Gay couples have to plan and be prepared for a child. You have to actually want this child, its not an accident. The logic says that this child will be loved by parents who planned and actually want to have a child.

In many states its illegal for gay couples to adopt children and in the last election there were more bans on gay adoption. I just don't understand why these decision had to be voted on and then was actually banned in these states. Its heartbreaking that this children were born of parents who didn't want them and then when couples who want them are denied simply because of a certain group of people's intolerance. Its sad for the children and the couples. When there is no plan for the child and the parents do the most responsible thing and give them up and yet these children don't have the chance at a healthy and loving family because gay couples cannot adopt. 

I want to have a baby. I have dreams of baby making. Even though its discouraging and its frustrating and I think its impossible, eventually things will fall into place. I have hope that people will educate themselves and love will prevail over hate. Above the wishes for a baby, this is my wish. Equality is the way to heal this world. Tolerance and education will open people's hearts to the idea of children and gay couples.

UPDATE: 04/06/2013

This hub is pretty old and still relevant to those out there like me. However, I wanted to update that we have conceived and we do have a child. She just 13 months old!

So, it can be done. It may feel like a long journey and it may feel like a hard road - and it is. But, it can be done and it can work!

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Comments 23 comments

K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 6 years ago from Northern, California

What an important and informative read. I was captivated by the detail. You provide many very good points and information that will help many women who are on a fertility quest. Great hub.


rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 6 years ago from KC, MO Author

I am glad that this hubs was informative and interesting! Thanks as always for reading, K9

Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago

A friend of mine actually donated his sperm to a lesbian couple he had been friends with for a few years. It worked out great, and they gave him the option to have as much/as little contact with their daughter as he wants. Three years later, the situation couldn't be better.

I hope you have the same success (whichever way you get the all-important sperm) when the time is right!

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 6 years ago from KC, MO Author

Aw, thanks Megavitamin. I appreciate the encouragement!

Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

Fascinating read. I appreciate the thought you are putting into having a child. It is a huge life changer, and everyone should give as much time and thought into how it ought to be done. Unfortunately, I had many children, with nary a thought to the long term consequences, expences, time and energy that would be required. I love them all, but if I had paused a moment and given some thought to the requirements, I might have chosen a different path.

Good luck to you in your quest for parenthood. I wish you and your partner the best.


rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 6 years ago from KC, MO Author

Well, Deborah, for lesbians, it is quite a thinking and planning game. You have to choose to have children. Its not as easy as an accident. I am glad you found this fascinating and I appreciate your well wishes! Thanks so much for reading.

keith 6 years ago

I love children and think everyone should have a chance to be a mother.You can have my sperm for £50 fresh as well

Katherine 5 years ago

Ask the potential grandparents to pay for the sperm donations. They are often very eager to have descendants.

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 5 years ago from KC, MO Author

Thank you Katherine for the suggestion. Since this hub was written we have since conceived and I am now 18 weeks pregnant! :) Thanks for the read and the comment :)

xethonxq profile image

xethonxq 5 years ago

Very interesting hub. As a side note, my g/f and I have an almost 17 year old daughter...conceived via artificial insemination (1st try). My g/f, the bio mom, was very particular about tracking her temperature and ovulation, etc. She definitely knew the rhythm of her body, which I believe helped a lot!

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 5 years ago from KC, MO Author

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and I am so glad that my own tracking of body temp and ovulation helped us conceive first try as well!

xethonxq profile image

xethonxq 5 years ago

Congratulations rgarnett!! Good luck with your pregnancy!! You'll have to keep us posted about the gender of your little one once he or she arrives. :)

Sacha22 5 years ago

This was very helpful. I am also a lesbian trying to conceive

thebiologyofleah profile image

thebiologyofleah 5 years ago from Massachusetts

This is a really interesting article, very informative and nice to see it from your point of view. I totally agree with you, I think it is ridiculous there is some misconception or prejudice against same-sex couples having children. I have seen on your profile page and your latest comments here you well into your pregnancy, good luck with everything. I look forward to reading more of your hubs.

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 5 years ago from KC, MO Author

@sacha22-I am glad you found this hub helpful. Keep your head up and don't give up! It can happen, despite the odds. It may feel impossible right now, but it can be done!

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 5 years ago from KC, MO Author

@thebiologyofleah - Thanks so much for your wonderful comments. I appreciate your kind words. Baby is due in 3 days! Thanks so much for stopping by and reading. Made my day. :)

Ashli Williams profile image

Ashli Williams 4 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA there a baby now?? :)


Nd 4 years ago

All these no sence and God will punish you all.

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 4 years ago from KC, MO Author

@ashli williams - Yes, ma'am there is a baby - in fact she was 6 weeks old yesterday. Thanks so much for your enthusiasm and your kind words!

jlpark profile image

jlpark 4 years ago from New Zealand

I was going to suggest something like (or something along that line) or to find 'fresh' donors willing to help lesbians (Pride Angels in particular), but I see you have that bit sorted! Congratulations on the little girl!.

We are about to embark on IUI hopefully this month - hopefully with a successful result!

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 3 years ago from KC, MO Author

@jlpark - Good luck to you and thanks so much!!

jlpark profile image

jlpark 3 years ago from New Zealand

Just thought I'd update you - yup! 33wks, 7 to go! yay!

rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 3 years ago from KC, MO Author

So exciting!!!! Congratulations :)

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