My List of Unneeded Things

I just been chilling, reclining and thinking of how great it was to dine on this, the Fourth of July, 2012. What a needed-event in our list of days to celebrate. And for a great reason: Our freedoms that we should thank God for each day, and not be like me, foolishly take them for granted.


Americans "need" the Fourth of July and Labor Day, maybe not like a rose needs the dew in the early morning, but close in the proximity of the "needed things" we love and cherish.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, Easter, our Jewish friends' holidays, Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, and of course, our birthdays, anniversaries and those not-so-noted "national" this or that day in America are all part of the big picture. For everyone, there is a day to celebrate someone or something. That's great to me. To repeat, I think we "need" these days to remind us of how important people in our world really are.


Then there are the "Unneeded Things," that I am going to list for you now and without any spark of cordiality. Sorry, but I am in a bad mood, well not a bad mood (a salute to Alvy "Mr. Kimbell," Green Acres Moore), but a pretty sour mood I can tell you.


Just look around you. There are more "unneeded things than there are "needed things." I am not going to wager, for some wise guy with an I.Q. of 245, would prove me wrong and I would look foolish. Not happening. Now. Or later.


This list of things is far worse than my hub, "Things That Bother Me," for those things on that hub only bothered me. These unneeded things make my blood boil with anger.
Here is just a small sample of the "Unneeded Things," I mean . . .

See this man with the flute and acoustic guitar?

1.) ACOUSTIC GUITAR in a rock and roll band like Motley Crue or KISS. On stage you have enough amplifiers to shatter windows in the next county, and there is always this one guy with an acoustic guitar (and a flute because he is sensitive) just playing his heart out, but honestly, no one can hear him. Not even the band's personnel. He got his job by being related to the lead singer. Plain and simple.

Here are a few more "Unneeded Things" for your approval . . .

2.) PLASTIC FORKS AND KNIVES that you always get at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Although this is a highly-commendable gesture, but does anyone really use them? No. Customers wait until they get home, unpack the wings, thighs, and breasts and head for their own silverware drawer. KFC could save a fortune alone just one plastic cutlery.


3.) PAPER HATS that most fast-food employees are "told" to wear. Why not a fashionable cap or hat? No, these fast-food giants are "straining every gut" to save a penny here and a nickel there. Personally, I would rather see a fast-food employee in a stylish hat.


4.) COLORFUL PLASTIC STREAMERS that car dealers used to have strung all over their car lot. Pretty to look at, but a pain if you aren't watching your step and catch one in your throat. Talk about pain. Then the car dealer dishes out even more pain on you with his "lowest" price on a six-year-old Buick.


Wooden tongue depressors

have been around for years. Doctors love using them, but wouldn't plastic tongue depressors make more sense? You can sterilize plastic tongue depressors and use them again while saving thousands of acres of our valuable forests.
have been around for years. Doctors love using them, but wouldn't plastic tongue depressors make more sense? You can sterilize plastic tongue depressors and use them again while saving thousands of acres of our valuable forests.

5.) DIRECTIONS on toothpaste tubes. Does anyone actually take time to read these things? No. What person does not know the mechanics of a toothpaste tube? You pick it up, untwist the lid, squeeze tube at bottom laying one dab of toothpaste on your toothbrush and "go to town." When finished, wash the toothbrush, put it back in the pretty pink toothbrush holder underneath the mirror, put cap back on toothpaste and you are out of there. But what if a foreign country was secretly using the "directions area" of your toothpaste box to send dangerous messages to their spies in our country? Next time you brush, read the box first.


6.) HITCH-HIKER'S PROFANITY when he doesn't catch a ride. Talk about a waste of breath and energy. Did you, "Mr. Vagabond," think by cursing the car that blew dirt on you with the wind as it passed you up would somehow cause the next motorist to stop and ask, "need a ride, buddy?"


7.) MOTORISTS who ask, "need a ride, buddy?" Now what do you think, "Mr. American Motorist?" You see a guy on the side of the highway with a U.S. Army duffle bag filled with his clothes, shoes and food and standing with his right thumb in the air. What else could this guy want? For you to stop and check-out the neat scar he has from a knife fight he was involved with in Abilene, Texas? No, buddy. A ride.


8.) SUPERMAN'S always-predictable catch-phrase, "this is a job for Superman," well would it make any difference to say, just once, "this looks tough, but I can manage?" Or, "look out, citizens! Superman's taking off!" And those "fake" horn-rim's that Clark Kent wears when he isn't being Superman. Why can't Lois Lane, as smart as she is, just flirt with Clark and gently remove those needless spectacles? What's Clark going to do, beat her u?


9.) BACK-UP SINGERS with huge bands such as the once-famous Chicago. You have 12 musicians, plus a percussion section, and way in the back of the last row of amp's, you see four beautiful girls who work as back-up singers and even with microphones, you cannot hear them. I have but one question. Why?

The proverbial "second place" trophy

is an unneeded thing to anyone who has ran a race, competed in a spelling bee or played sports. No one actually likes to forever be reminded that they came in second.
is an unneeded thing to anyone who has ran a race, competed in a spelling bee or played sports. No one actually likes to forever be reminded that they came in second.

10.) RENTAL PROPERTY that the owner shows you and then asks, "do you cook your own food?" You reply, "wy' yes, I do." The apartment owner says, "sorry. No cooking in this apartment." But why is the fully-functional stove still here? Did you forget to have it taken out, "Ms. Landlord?"


11.) CAMO CELL PHONE covers. This one really sucks. What is the point of having a cell phone cover in camouflage? Are you that afraid that a big buck will jump out of the bushes, grab your cell phone and high-tail it out of the woods and leave you with tons of "roaming charges?"


12.) DEER COCAINE being spread in the forest to attract deer. What is deer cocaine? In the south, sporting goods and hunting supply companies make a ton of money off of this sweet product that is very addictive to any deer with a dependant personality. The deer eats the cocaine, then is hooked. He comes back for more and a hunter is waiting for him. I pity the poor deer who will soon be the victim of a very lazy hunter.

Look at this two-story firehouse

Now this is just my opinion. Would it not make more sense and be more effective to have one-story firehouses so all of the firemen (and women) who are on-duty, to sleep and keep watch at ground level? This to me, is more efficient and smooth because on the second-story you still have to dress in fireman gear then slide down the brass pole to the awaiting firetruck. This way, you are there at the truck. The only thing the firemen (and women) need to do is dress and get ready to ride.

In all sincerity, "I salute all of the valiant and humble firemen (and women), EMT's, ambulance drivers, first-responders, and all life-support personnel of our great country."

"You and I will never know the severity of sacrifices these special people make just so we can sleep soundly without fear of a fire or being taken for needed-medical help."

"These heroes are more than municipal servants, they are all . . ."Needed People."

Thanks, my friends, for reading my hub. I appreciate it.

Kenneth

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Comments 28 comments

mejohnson profile image

mejohnson 4 years ago

Love this list. Funny & true. Great hub.


josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

Great intro and conclusion I would like to say first Ken! Also, great list like always, very funny! I enjoyed the hitchhiker profanity one the most! Keep up the great work! Votes on this one!


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

Great Job Ken!

Do Deer really become dependant?


jolinabetts profile image

jolinabetts 4 years ago from The Philippine Islands

Great Writing and nice trophy too! Voted up for awesome and interesting.


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

Once again you left me laughing. Hadn't even thought about many of these things in your light, but you have opened my eyes!


myownlife profile image

myownlife 4 years ago from london

Awesome writing.

Interesting.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, mejohnson,

thank you so much for the kind words. I needed them more than you can fathom.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, josh,

thank YOU so very much for your kindness. Yes, the hitch-hiker has a daunting task of finding ways to travel. I feel for them. Thanks again for reading and commenting.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Curiad,

Yes. In my part of the country, the mid-south, we have legions of deer hungers each year who use this stuff to catch deer and then kill them. Deer love this stuff and some say that the more they eat, the more doscile they become. I dont know. I dont hunt deer.

Thanks for your question.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Jolina

thank you, dear friend, for your time of reading this hub and voting on it. I do pray that God blesses you richly.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear picklesandrufus,

Thank you, kind friend, for always saying the right thing. I mean that. Thanks for sticking with me in the past two years as my fibromyalgia/neurothopy has gotten worse, but I continue to fight this and stick to my keyboard to focus on something that will make YOU and my followers happy.

Thanks again, KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, myownlife . . .

Thank YOU sincerely for your kind words. Say hi to someone in London for me, for I shall never get to visit your fair city.

Thanks again.

Kenneth


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

You are so strange, but in a great way! Up and very funny!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

July 6, at 2:56 p.m., CDST

Dear breakfastpop,

Where have YOU been? Ive been missing you. Honest. I have to say that this comment of yours, is the sweetest thing Ive been told in weeks. Thank you, from my heart for being my friend, reading my hubs and following me. YOU mean a lot to me.

Kenneth

PS: FYI I am starting "Normal Classes" at our local junior college next Friday night at 7 p.m. (the senior colleges were all booked-up).


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

Dear Ken,

I have no idea where I have been , but I am back. Enjoy the weekend.


Sueswan 4 years ago

Dearest Kenneth,

A great list of unneeded things. A one story fire house makes lot of sense.

Voted up up and away!


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

Hahaha. Your hubs are very entertaining Ken. Voted up funny! I've always hated those wooden tongue depressors. That's the scariest part of going to the doctor. This is the first time that I hear of deer cocaine. Plastic utensils: just in case anyone decides to have a picnic at the beach and bring their bucket of KFC.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Kenneth, you have hit the nail on the head yet again! I agree with all of them.


Debra Emerson 4 years ago

You know that I do not have much to say, but this is a very awesome hub. Keep writing!!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, breakfastpop, my dear friend,

well do did you bring back some pictures of "Dont Know Where Youve Been?" And Im GLAD that you are back!

Thanks for the comment.

Kenneth

PS: Got your Christmas shopping done?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Susan,

Thanks so much for agreeing with the "one story firehouse," idea. Its so nice to have people FOR you and NOT against you.

Thats why I am always FOR YOU and all of my followers. YOU are all the best of HubPages!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, lovedoctor,

nice to hear from you again. And always. Tongue depressors are the worst. I used to get splinters in my tongue from doctors who were in a hurry and just yanked them over my tongue. I see the thinking of plastic forks and spoons, I am just used to silverware. Hey, can you send me bucket of KFC via UPS? I would appreciate it.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy,

Thanks so much for taking time to read this hub and comment. I feel like somebody now. I wish I could repay YOU and my followers for all of the nice words you all have said.

Maybe one day I will sit down and write a Broadway musical called, "HubVille, a Great Place to Live," and score the music too . . .to show you and my friends JUST HOW MUCH you are appreciated.

I wont be in the musical, but will hire John Schneider "Bo Duke" of Dukes of Hazzard, to do the lead. He can sing too.

How about that?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Debra,

you do not have to say a lot to say a lot. And your comment is appreciated very much. Remember that.

Kenneth


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

Lol. sure. you know there aren't too many Kentucky Fried chicken here in Miami. I love their mashed potato and coleslaw. I don't eat the chicken because it makes me sick for some reason.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, lovedoctor, dear friend,

thats cool. Thanks for the thought though. It was sweet. But yeah, send the coleslaw. I can live on it.

And CHECK MY COMMENT ABOUT YOUR COMMENT ON THE "MOOD SONGS" . . .

Thanks a Million!!!!

Kenneth


Jeff Gamble profile image

Jeff Gamble 4 years ago from Denton, Texas

Absolutely hilarious Kenneth! And that guy with the duffel bag? He's in Gainesville, TX now, I just gave him a ride. (Neat scar too!)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, Jeff! Thank you for your nice comment and hilarious comment. We should team-up and write a production for some community theater and make us some dough.

Right?

Kenneth

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