My Own Fault...
I'm so sorry..forgive me
Why do we say that? What does it really mean?
To me it means I lost control for a while, and I hurt you, I took my own short comings out on your demands of me. You have no one else to ask, you depend on me and I hurt you. I am sorry.
The tears I shed can never replace my actions,the heartache I feel inside of me will never mend, yet I have no choice but to continue this failure of a life. It tears me apart each day I live, each time we are together,each day as I pray to God to help me, make me see what it is I need to do to make things right...there never seems to be an answer... problems mount up burying me, I feel the weight of this whole situation hang onto my soul.
I can say Money is of no help...I grew up very poor as far as money went, we had what we needed. Then as my parents worked very hard ,became rich, Money seemed to take over, meaning more then Love. The Money always appeared to make my folks feel important, and happy. They always had what they wanted, shared with friends a-plenty and held it over my head, or so it seemed. I asked for a loan of $200.00 dollars Once and was refused...never asked again and now I have total control over the money, but is of no real importance to me...just to pay for my mom's care.
Back to my feelings...they haunt my mind, and keep me from who I want to be...I know no one is perfect, I know tension , frustration, stress, worry, lonliness, make one do stupid things. Mostly I think from anger at oneself, for the short comings within each of us...however it is no excuse for being un-kind. I was un-kind today and I just can't get it off my mind. The very reason I am writing this is to try to forgive myself...it comes easy forgiving others , but to forgive the selfishness I feel at times doesn't seem forgivable to me.
Tears helped for a while,thinking helped also, but writing it feels better,exposing myself for others to see me as I am ....mean, thoughtless and stupid. After all my years here on earth, after all I have been through I am still not who I want to be, I am not what other's think I am, I am not what I believe God wants me to be.
So I guess when I close my eyes to pray this evening I will pray for the help I need, for having the freedom to express myself, for people who have so much less then me, to wake up with a fresh happy mind tomorrow (God willing) and start over, really try , really care, really be kind, and really believe in myself. No one has to praise me,no one has to like me and no one can ever feel what I feel so deeply...I am ME and that is all I can be...:O) Hugs G-Ma