My Own Fault...

I'm so sorry..forgive me

Why do we say that? What does it really mean?

To me it means I lost control for a while, and I hurt you, I took my own short comings out on your demands of me. You have no one else to ask, you depend on me and I hurt you. I am sorry.

The tears I shed can never replace my actions,the heartache I feel inside of me will never mend, yet I have no choice but to continue this failure of a life. It tears me apart each day I live, each time we are together,each day as I pray to God to help me, make me see what it is I need to do to make things right...there never seems to be an answer... problems mount up burying me, I feel the weight of this whole situation hang onto my soul.

I can say Money is of no help...I grew up very poor as far as money went, we had what we needed. Then as my parents worked very hard ,became rich, Money seemed to take over, meaning more then Love. The Money always appeared to make my folks feel important, and happy. They always had what they wanted, shared with friends a-plenty and held it over my head, or so it seemed. I asked for a loan of $200.00 dollars Once and was refused...never asked again and now I have total control over the money, but is of no real importance to me...just to pay for my mom's care.

Back to my feelings...they haunt my mind, and keep me from who I want to be...I know no one is perfect, I know tension , frustration, stress, worry, lonliness, make one do stupid things. Mostly I think from anger at oneself, for the short comings within each of us...however it is no excuse for being un-kind. I was un-kind today and I just can't get it off my mind. The very reason I am writing this is to try to forgive myself...it comes easy forgiving others , but to forgive the selfishness I feel at times doesn't seem forgivable to me.

Tears helped for a while,thinking helped also, but writing it feels better,exposing myself for others to see me as I am ....mean, thoughtless and stupid. After all my years here on earth, after all I have been through I am still not who I want to be, I am not what other's think I am, I am not what I believe God wants me to be.

So I guess when I close my eyes to pray this evening I will pray for the help I need, for having the freedom to express myself, for people who have so much less then me, to wake up with a fresh happy mind tomorrow (God willing) and start over, really try , really care, really be kind, and really believe in myself. No one has to praise me,no one has to like me and no one can ever feel what I feel so deeply...I am ME and that is all I can be...:O) Hugs G-Ma

Comments 22 comments

justom profile image

justom 5 years ago from 41042

G-ma, mean, thoughtless and stupid? Absolutely NOT! God loves you for taking on a major challenge when some would be happy to find a nursing home so as not to be burdened. You're doing the right thing, we all have a point where the insanity takes over for a bit. I, for one, salute you. Peace!! Tom


cindizzj@yahoo.co profile image

cindizzj@yahoo.co 5 years ago from Northern California

I dont like when you talk about yourself that way Mom, dont call urself names or be mean to urself, thats not nice either. I wish you were happy and didnt have to deal with the fact that someone else decided to turn ur world upside down and leave you hanging in it feeling unsure of urself. You always were sure of urself before u were sent into a whirlwind of someone elses making. Be like that again, ha easier said than done. I love you


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

justom...you are always here and that is very nice...Thank you but be assured I am not really anything special..."If you could read my mind, what a tale my thoughts would tell" someone has these words in a song...and it seems fit...God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

cindi..yes my dear you are right, but as you said "easier said then done" and I feel Done...Doesn't mean I won't turn myself over and try...basted and smoked one side already...LOL I love you too...daughter of mine...:O) Hugs Mom


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 5 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

G-Ma, I like your daughter's response to you, speaks volumes that you had a good influence as a Mother, pretty cool, I think. :)

Sometimes, I think of the occasional moment when I may have been unkind, and its not a good feeling, but yet, I know for the most part I am kind as its my nature. Being human, we cannot be perfect, not even with our thoughts, but we can always strive to do our best and be kind to ourselves. I highly recommend Byron Katie's work/books, she helps with letting go of suffering due to our mental going back and forth with our memories, fears and regrets about our lifes.

Hugs to you~


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

VioletSun...Thanks I shall look into Byron Katies work/books...you are a kind lady and I am sure my daughter will like what you said...I do :O) HugsG-Ma


alekhouse profile image

alekhouse 5 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

Merle, You have such a lot of guilt and that is part of the reason you have a need to "whip" yourself once and a while. You are a thoughtful, caring person with human feelings. Sometimes we all say things that we regret. Life is hard, especially when you are taking care of someone you love day in and day out. Be good to yourself.

Please confront the guilt head on and try ridding yourself of some of it in a way other than lashing out at yourself.

We all love you here and want to see you happy. It's hard to do when you're responsible for someone you love, who is no longer able to take care of herself. But please try...you deserve it.

You've gotten good advice from your daughter and Violet Sun. Let it in.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

alekhouse...Yes dear i am trying, it just gets away from me at times, I am reading, I am writing, I am going to group support but there is an empty space I can't seem to fill...yesterday I got angry with my old cat and threw her down and I knew it hurt her and that is what brought this on...she is as helpless as my mom yet she came to me and purred and it made me feel so very bad.

It was like she understood my pain...better then I do myself...I feel so mean and cruel and worthless right this minute...

Thanks...I will pull through...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

Well G-Ma you probably know I understand you better than anyone and call yourself a dog if you feel like it, you know deep down you are doing the best you can and you know no matter what you do nothing is going to change. You need some time off and since I have just started reading you I don't know if you get that or not. It will kill you if you don't. Period. I hope someone gives you an hour or two a day if nothing more. I took care of Mom and Dad both for about ten years and they were not rich and in fact I had to sell my house to get her medicine before they had these new med things, having Alzhemers you know many of those medicine are over $100 a bottle. There was about 2 to 3 years I had no one to give me any time, my siblings absolutely wouldn't and would not give a dime..well I won't go on but my nerves were so bad and my blood pressure so out of control that in eight years I have not been able to find a med to control it, I have only one now that it won't go over 180's/ 120, it was going to 200+/100+ many times. I wish I had the answer, but I will pray for you is all I can do.

Yesterday I started clearing Moms room and I couldn't be in there long, maybe just a little each day. Have you thought of assisted living, it is better than nursing home not to take everything I found out too late and you can bring her home some and if you are close by you can make sure they are taking care of her. A guy that worked at medical equip place told and I am going to start going there soon to make sure no one is cold or hungry. You will always be in my prayer and your mom believe me.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

aWWW SWEETIE i AM FINE. jUST GETS TO ME AT TIMES AND SHE IS IN ONE OF THE FINEST HOMES AROUND...her and my step-dad prepared for this time very well.

For me has been 4 years and the last 2 in a home but it doesn't make alot of difference...I am there as much as I am here and seems everytime I go in there she is in some sort of an uncomfortable way, or new bruises, or hungry. I go feed her as often as I can, but I have so much to do here to at home I mean. I am alone so I must do it all.

Prayers are always welcome and I shall pray for you too...Life really is tough some times and I know I am very fortunate and really shouldn't be complaining...Thank You my dear...:O) Hugs G-Ma


justom profile image

justom 5 years ago from 41042

Good to see I'm not the only one who has songs running through their head all the time! (It's a Gordon Lightfoot song)"just like a paperback novel, the kind the drug stores sell". Say want you like but I think you are very special. Peace G-ma!! Tom


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

If you have a camera take pictures of those bruises, take a witness with you for day time and what you found and call them on it, go to the administrator and local nursing complaint places are quicker and better than anything to do with Social Services. The nurses place you report to will come that day if you call early enough. Social Services apparently is in with the government, nursing homes, etc. You tell me how an old woman crippled that can't walk or even stand up falls and breaks her hip? But does anyone else find that odd..no...the patient fell, end of story. Also check her personals and inside mouth occasionally. Mom had MRSA which is highly contagious and they didn't even tell me. They do not clean patients good and they get many urinary tract infections and if your mom seems to be in pain she probably is. My Mom's back was full of blackheads too, she was in many places and none were any good not even the Intensive Care. I went there and saw Mom's tray I asked did she eat and the nurse told me no she wouldn't eat a thing and when I opened tray the plastic spoons had not been taken out of wrapper and none of the food had been dipped in and I would say I guess she just asked Mom and she said no, but I don't think they go that far. Well not meaning to make things worse, I just want to tell you a few things I learned the hard way.


Candie V profile image

Candie V 5 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Looks like we need to have coffee.. and soon! I will call you! Go outside and take it out on your garden.. you'll both benefit! Hahaha! Love you the way you are!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Calm down Polly...when she fell she was walking, and I did take pics of her bruises and went straight to the Directer of Nursing and I am there often enough and watch when they toilet her and she is doing better then me...

I am so sorry for what you went through and I do know what you are talking about, when she was in the nursing home I was there 8-10 hrs a day and I even made her food puree'd and fed it to her. I did have my sister here from Calif to help me for 2 months or I would have never made it...

Thank you my dear :O) Hugs G-Ma I am sorry to have brought this up, seems you are as upset as I was yesterday...Bless your heart


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

justom...maybe I should delete this??? I just think if anyone else is going through this (dementia is wide spread) they will get some benefit from knowing they are not alone...as I have right here, right now...

Yes I sing to myself...Thanks for the comeback Tom...:O) Hugs G-Ma


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Candy V. I am over it now...a few bad days then it turns around, I just felt badly for Juice...

I like you the way you too...Thanks for caring...:O) Hugs G-Ma


no body profile image

no body 5 years ago from Rochester, New York

My prayers with you too, ma.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

no body..Thanks..I need all I can get...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Raven King profile image

Raven King 5 years ago from Cabin Fever

God Bless your brave heart! HUGS. :D


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

I am not brave...but glad you think so...Thanks my lovely lady...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

My sister is the one who talked me into letting my mom go to a nursing home near her up north where Dad was buried and she would be so I agreed. She promised me with so many family around someone would almost always be with Mom but no one did and my sister was an ex-nurse, lived only about a mile away while I lived hours and on the day Mom died she said after me telling her off she knew she hadn't done right and would do better. Too late. I hope to get over it one day....I am sorry, I know you don't need to hear all this from me but it panicked me to think the same was happening to your mom too and I do know how hard it is even when Mom was only an hour from me it just consumed my whole life as I am sure it does yours. I pray God lighten your load and bless you and your Mommy. I love the curtains and roses.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Polly...It is ok...she is in a better place now and one day I will be telling myself that...Easy to say I know...I do worry everyday, every new bruise, every tear she sheds, I just have no way of knowing for sure what happens, but can't be there 24/7...I trust God understands and after all HE is the one in control...

You are such a dear lady and feel free to talk anytime, it feels good...I KNOW...:O) Hugs G-Ma

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