My Spouse Wants a Divorce: Can I Save My Marriage?

"I Want a Divorce."

I have been on the delivering and receiving end of that statement. When I delivered the words, I followed through with separation and divorce. When I heard those words, I was devastated and wanted desperately to save my marriage.

I'm not conceited enough to claim complete success, but over three years later, I am still married and hopeful. For those who want to save what seems to be a hopeless marriage, with a spouse uninterested in trying anymore, I want to share what seemed to work and what didn't work in my situations.

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." -Wayne Dyer

 

Don't blame.

Don't blame yourself or your spouse. Understand that while the left-behind-spouse feels the height of shock, hurt and betrayal at the moment, the spouse who wants to leave has already struggled with his or her decision and experienced their own pain and anguish, even if you didn't notice or don't understand how it happened.

And before you proceed with this article, read that again...the first part...don't blame yourself. You won't be able to follow this advice perfectly. We are human after all. Don't keep saying "if only I did this" or "if I hadn't done that." Let it go, as best you can.

Find Emotional Support Somewhere New

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in. Forget them as soon as you can." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is hard, but now is not the time to look to your spouse for emotional support. Don't beg, plead and cry. If you fall apart in front of your spouse you will not be very attractive (see the next section for more about this). You will only appear needy and pitiful and perhaps add to his stress with a guilt-trip.

And don't make the mistake of unloading everything on your friends and family-and especially not on his friends and family. If things work out, you will end up regretting making your spouse look like the bad guy.

So what do you do with the crazy and perfectly normal feelings you are experiencing? Find someone new, preferably someone who has experience with similar situations, to talk to. You could start with a counselor, but be aware that not all counselors will support trying to stay in a marriage where it appears you are not wanted.

My favorite method for finding support was online, where a degree of anonymity protects your spouse from your rants about private issues, and it gives you more freedom to really open up. The forums at DivorceBusting.com are made up of communities in every stage and circumstance of marriage and divorce that you can imagine. I highly recommend this very supportive online community.

Many other divorce and separation support groups are available, online and in the real world, but just as with choosing a counselor, be careful to connect with people who support your efforts to reconcile. Often members of such support groups are in the "get over it and move on" stage and may inadvertently encourage you to adopt that perspective before it is really necessary.

"Love that has been tested is far more awe inspiring than love that has never known anything but bliss." -Po Bronson

 

Be Someone Your Spouse Wants!

To reiterate, pitiful is not attractive! And more than likely, as blind-sided as you feel right now, you have changed since your spouse promised to love and cherish you forever and always. Think about the person you were when you fell in love. I'm not saying to compromise who you really are, but take an honest look at whether you are being your own best person. Do this for yourself--not just your spouse.

Pay attention to your grooming, to your physical health, and most importantly to your mental health. I discovered after my husband dropped the bomb that I had been severely depressed for a really long time without realizing it. Rather than taking care of myself, I had been looking to him to ‘make me feel better' and blaming him for my misery. Ironically, this is the same burden I felt my first husband had placed on me. How could I blame my second husband for not wanting a depressed wife when I couldn't stay married to a depressed husband?

Act As If.

Pretend everything is fine, even if it is not. Be careful with this one though. Your spouse may not react well to certain behaviors such as declarations of love and physical affection if you are trying to act as if the two of you are okay. But in general, act as if you are happy. Try not to take it personally if your spouse rejects you. Let them see what a strong person you are and what a wonderful friend and partner you can be. This will get easier with time, and especially if you focus on the next section.

 

 

"...selfishly seek your own joy...your joy is the greatest gift you can give to anyone. Because unless you are in your joy, you have nothing to give anyway." -Abraham-Hicks

 

Pursue Self-Improvement

As you are taking a critical look at who you have become since you married, you may be somewhat saddened by the things you feel you've sacrificed. It may seem like your entire married life has centered around your spouse. All of your friends are mutual friends. You've given up the interests he or she did not share. You've pretended to like his or her interests. It is time to rediscover you.

Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, calls this GAL for "get a life". Take some classes. Start or re-start a hobby. Join a new club or community service organization. Do something you've always wanted to do but never got around to. Get busy enjoying yourself!

I found several ways to GAL. First, I joined Meetup, and specifically the Divorce and Separated Support Group in my area. The DSSG was small at the time, and more of a socially-oriented group than a traditional support group. I made wonderful new friends, and most important, we had FUN! Though I no longer feel the threat of separation, I still participate in this group. It gives me a sense of purpose, and a sense of giving back, and allows me to have friends and activities that are not completely centered around my husband.

I also started a new business as an Independent Consultant for Arbonne International. While I did not succeeded tremendously at the business aspect, Arbonne introduced me to a whole new level of personal growth training. I became re-acquainted with positive thinking, with the Law of Attraction, with goal-setting, with visualization and meditation. I learned to shed the victim mentality that had held me back from so many previous endeavors.

I worked with a Life Coach, as well, to help me identify my goals and strengths. I started a gratitude journal and surrounded myself with positive messages--a dream board, index cards with inspirational quotes, and sticky notes on my bathroom mirrors to remind me to "Think and Be Grateful, Everyday" and simply to "Smile".

I read uplifting books and encouraging articles online. I learned to ignore the naysayer's gloom and doom and created a positive environment for my personal growth.

"Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other." -source unknown

 

Many will be quick to tell you that it takes two to save a marriage. I don't agree. Love is not a 50/50 effort. Sometimes one spouse needs more than the other. Ideally, it fluctuates over the course of the marriage. Sometimes you give more, sometimes you take more. If your spouse is telling you that he or she has given up, then it is 100% up to you to decide how much effort you are willing to make to change his or her mind. If you want to save your marriage, you have to be prepared to do all of the work, at least for a while, and to possibly fail. Frankly, it might not work, but these tactics are probably your best shot.

The good news, as Michelle Weiner-Davis points out, if you do not succeed in saving your marriage, these strategies will help you recover and move forward more quickly from the breakup. It is important to realize that doing what is best for yourself is what is best for any relationship, even if that means ultimately the end of the relationship.

Copyright Dineane Whitaker 2008 - Please do not copy and paste this article, but feel free to post a link using this url: http://hubpages.com/_ndwcopyright/hub/My-Spouse-Wants-a-Divorce-Now-What

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Comments 84 comments

Ananta65 8 years ago

Nice hub. I do think that couples tend to sacrifice their individual likes and habits over time, while these likes and habits were part of them when they fell in love with each other.


Smiling Cat profile image

Smiling Cat 8 years ago from Deerfield Beach, Florida

Good Hub! It is so easy to place the burden of making us "feel better" on our spouse and so unfair. Great advice in this Hub!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Dineane, you have written sensitively about a difficult subject and offered excellent advice. I wish I had your words many years ago when I was agonizing over ending my marriage. I think the eventual outcome would have been the same, but I think I would have been able to move on with my life better than I did.

Also, I commend you for keeping the language non-sexist and at the same time representative of either party, male or female, the one who delivers the news or the one who receives it. I know how hard that is to do.

Excellent hub. Those who hold your hand along the way of this difficult path are most fortunate.

Best regards, ST.


dineane profile image

dineane 8 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thank you all for such nice comments!


Ananta65 8 years ago

You're welcome. I actually recommended a friend to read this hub, as she is going through a bad time in her relationship right now. 


dineane profile image

dineane 8 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks, Ananta! I hope it is helpful for her.


starrion44 8 years ago

Very very insightful.


dineane profile image

dineane 8 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thank you, Starrion...maybe all that life experience helps :-)


lotusletters profile image

lotusletters 7 years ago from New Zealand

This is a fantastic hub, earlier this year after 16 years in my relationship my husband dropped the bomb. It was rough, he was a different man overnight, confused, I was a mess and did everything NOT to do which was cementing his need to leave. After much fighting to save my marriage I then woke MYSELF up, took control, immersed myself in p/development, found MY fire and spark and to his surprise gave him up ready to move on only to have him begging to have our family back. So far so good, every now and then I find myself focusing back on the negative and what if's but have to quickly snap out of it and focus on what I'm grateful for. There is definitely hope if you manage the emotion and situation the right way. Thanks for the great hub :)


dineane profile image

dineane 7 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thank you, lotusletters. I love hearing other success stories! Good for you!!!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Dineane, Thank you for writing this. I have been going through a rough time in my marriage for the last year or so, or It has been a year since my husband decided he wanted to end our marriage. We have decided to work things out and it has been very hard. Not so much hard in the relationship aspect but for me trying to get over the hurt. He tells me that we would not have stayed apart but I still have doubt and it hurts. I am trying to remember the person I used to be and get back to her, but many years have passed and many things have happened to change that person. I think when women become mothers we loose a lot of who we once were and we concentrate on trying to raise our children, hold a job, or make a career, and marriage seems to get lost in the shuffle of things. It's so hard to balance it all.

Thanks to your hub, I know that I really need to try harder to find myself again. Thank you again.


dineane profile image

dineane 7 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for commenting Gwendy, and I wish you the best! I think you are so right that women, in particular, tend to sacrifice so much of themselves for their families. It can be a challenge to "find ourselves" (so cliché!), but it's important, and we deserve it!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Dineane, We (women) do sacrifice a lot. It's hard to be able to balance it all. I am trying, it's so hard. I still have children at home to concentrate on. They still need me, I feel like I get pulled in a million different directions. I think I can do it though. Thanks again, for the hub and for the best wishes.


lotusletters profile image

lotusletters 7 years ago from New Zealand

Best wishes to you Gwendy, it will take time but bit by bit you can rediscover who you are. The hurt is still a daily mental struggle for me and I have to replace those thoughts with positive affirming thoughts. Even though you feel you are different today it's still about what makes YOU happy, and honestly if it's your husband and children then there is nothing wrong with that, but taking time for you and saying NO on occasion can help you get your personal power back. I feel that when we are in control personally we have so much more to give the loves in our life, our family. One other thing I learnt is your husband is not responsible for your happiness, and neither are you for his. We do sacrifice, even as far as our own feelings, needs and happiness. But no more, work on you and either way, YOU and your children will be better for it. All the best :)


Cheryl Kearns 7 years ago from Central NC

Dineane,

Powerful and well-written piece of advice. Great hub!


jforrest 7 years ago

Great article!


Jackie 7 years ago

Great Hub Dineane, you have learned a lot through your process and thanks for sharing it with others.


dineane profile image

dineane 7 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks, Jackie - I hope you know what a huge help you've been through it all!


Kotti KaDotti profile image

Kotti KaDotti 7 years ago

Damn,this hub is powerful. What a great hub! Now I kind of feel bad for telling my wife I want a divorce or even putting blame on her. Shame on me.


dineane profile image

dineane 7 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thank you, Kottie, but the goal is not to make anyone feel guilty!


GoGranny profile image

GoGranny 6 years ago from Southeastern PA

Nice Hub Dineane. I needed this info 19 years ago though! Great to help folks to consider ways to stay together.


lovelypaper profile image

lovelypaper 6 years ago from Virginia

Great hub. I hope to never find myself on the giving or receiving part of "I want a Divorce."


benakoa profile image

benakoa 6 years ago from Portland, Maine

No! you cannot save your marriage. Once the thought is there, it will be there.

What? What? What is so bad that you need to go?

If it is so bad that you need to reach out, then you need to go!

The only sacrement you behold, is with yourself.

stay true to yourself


dineane profile image

dineane 6 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for commenting, benakoa, but I obviously don't agree. I think the "thought" is there for most couples, at least occassionally. And for some "staying true to yourself" migh mean being sure you've tried as hard as you can for your marriage before giving up.


bobsmith0227 6 years ago

I love what you had to say. The most helpful resource I have ever seen saved my marriage even though my wife wanted a divorce. Check out http://www.saveafailingmarriage.info/


mixedthoughts profile image

mixedthoughts 6 years ago

Not sure why i clicked here but glad I am. I am so very happy for you that you were able to save your marriage. I agree with you on many points as far as 50/50 split. At times yes you need to give more. After all I believe in the "marriage" and till death do you part. Make it work or do "everything in your power to save it". Thank you for your believe and working things out. Have been there once and was not able to save it.. but hey life go's on and thus we must but to grow and learn is the key.


rjowais profile image

rjowais 6 years ago from New York

Nice Hub friend.. I am hubbing on a related topic mate..


Lamme profile image

Lamme 6 years ago

Great attitude and advice! I'm glad things are working for you.


Litho123 6 years ago

Well I'm am an absolute mess. It's Monday night and my wife told me on Saturday she wants to separate. Things haven't been great for some time but I wasn't expecting this. She says she is not in love with me. I don't want our marriage to end. We have three wonderful kids and ..... I am still in love with her. Simply .... I'm lost!


dineane profile image

dineane 6 years ago from North Carolina Author

I'm so sorry, Litho, but try to take a deep breath (lots of them, actually) and stay as calm as you can. Visit the divorce busting website, and best of luck to you!


B S.P.cooray 6 years ago

I think,It is best openion


dineane profile image

dineane 6 years ago from North Carolina Author

hmmm. Not sure if you mean it is "at best" an "opinion" or "the best" opinion. I'll take the latter, since it is at least an educated and experienced opinion.


suguna 6 years ago

plz help i'm trying vry hard to get my husband back unfortunately nothing is working out.It was love marriage we knew each other for 3 years after marriage within 3 months he filed for divorce bcoz he got better job and i left my job after 3 months of marriage.one of his office colleauge proposed him so he feels he deserves better life than being with me.i'm trying vry hard to get him back asking his friends help but none of them are able to help me.he send me out of house telling he wil come n take me back in 10days but he never turned back wen my parents called him to ask for problem every1 in his house switched off mobile n his parents are also supporting him as they are completely dependent on him. i'm going through very tough period its very painful everyday i'm feeling depressed hoping he may come back but it doesn't seem like tat. i went to court on 21st july for my 1st hearing they sent both of us for counselling on 21st august went for 2nd couselling still no change in him.3rd couselling is on 25th september i'm still hoping for something positive.all this 3years i had very gud job and he dint have job at all at tat time he was behind me like anything and i used to give all my salary to him for expenses after mariage also until i had job i used to give my entire salary to him but til date i never asked him his salary or anything the day i left my job his behaviour changed and today my situation is so much pathetic. not in mood to do any job or anything. i'm sitting at home simply thinking about him depressed.plz help


dineane profile image

dineane 6 years ago from North Carolina Author

suguna, I'm really sorry you're going through this, but the first thing you have to do is at least PRETEND than you are not so desperate to have him back. Do anything you can think of that will help make you feel better about yourself, and stop telling yourself that you are pathetic! Get out of your house and do something, whether you feel like it or not.


cblack profile image

cblack 6 years ago from a beach somewhere

I think if your spouse wants a divorce then you should give it to him. There is nothing worse than trying to love someone who doesn't love you back. I would rather be alone.


niara29 5 years ago

this is so fantastic, very well written


Sara 5 years ago

My husband told me today that after 4 years of arguing, he wants a divorce. It broke me, I felt like I want to die. He is my whole world. We have no kids but very differing opinions and that's usually the basis of our conflicts. I don't want to divorce, I love him. I've changed since we were married, but it's all due to married life. I don't work now, he does, but I'm looking for a job. At the same time I wanted a baby, he didn't seem to. And after an argument today over him lying to me about something, he said what's the point in our marriage? What am I getting out of this? What you getting out of this? Let's draw a line under it and just accept we're very different people! Any embarrassment of divorce has to be better than constant arguments! I was so upset. I just froze, then I cried quietly a bit, and asked whether he loved me, he said it has nothing to do with it. I'm desperate to save my marriage, what can I do??


nzboy 5 years ago

nice hub. I'm going through very hard time at the moment. Reading online materials like this has helped me a lot to heal my pain. thanks


Mrs. Depressed 5 years ago

Thanks for the advice. I've been very depressed for a few months now and my husband seems to think that it's all centered around me being unhappy with him.


Tina 5 years ago

well written hub. A lot of times those words 'i want a divorce' comes up and leaves one spouse really devastated. Its important to get a life. Go out, have social activities, make new friends or reconnect with old ones, be generally happy. When you are happy it reflects in everything you do and spills over your marriage. Marriage takes a lot of work and patience and one must be prepared if you truly love.


JesseJobless 5 years ago

Thank you for this article. I am going thru this right now. I understand why she wants a divorce and do not fault her for it but I still love her and I know she still loves me. The problem is I have not been able to find steady work and thus become the bread-winner. I am re-enlisting into the military but it is not happening fast enough. I really don't want to lose my marriage but I don't know what else to do. I have fasted, prayed, cried before God, done everything I know to do but each day it seems I am losing my marriage more.


goshenlady profile image

goshenlady 5 years ago from Calgary, Alberta

Great hub and excellent advice. In fact it is always a terrible predicament when your spouse wants out of a marriage, yet you still love them. You feel cheated and exploited.

Most of the time you feel like your world has ended and it seems things will never get better again, but that is an absolute lie.

In such a situation we must do the best we can not to appear needy and pathetic.Promisng to change, telling them you love them over and over again or arguing does just that.

When we are at the brink of divorce, as painful as it may be, the best thing to do is to try to be strong. Don't show your spouse that you are hurting so badly. Taking better care of yourself will prove to your spouse that you are doing just fine without them. They are not your life, God is and you can move on and even be better than you were with them.

When the spouse who chose to divorce sees the opposite of what they expected to see, they will be confused and become inquisitive about you.

And that might be the beginning of recovering your marriage.

These ideas are not easy to follow but we must try to give it our best shot if we are going to survive the situation.

Thanks again for sharing. I try to remind myself each time that there is hope no matter how bad a situation may seem.


AskAshlie3433 profile image

AskAshlie3433 5 years ago from WEST VIRGINIA

This is a real great hub. I am positive that this will help many going through divorce. Great writings. Best wishes.


JDove-Miller profile image

JDove-Miller 5 years ago from YOUNGSVILLE

This is very good advice, especially the part about not making the partner look like the bad guy to friends and family. They won't forgive as quickly as you.


Lucy 5 years ago

I have been married for 40 years and I love my husband. For about the past 5 years we have been fighting. On 12/10 he informed me he was filing for divorce. We tried to reconcile, but today he told me he went ahead with the proceedings and I would be served with papers!!

I am heart broken where do I go? No family no friends!!


dineane profile image

dineane 5 years ago from North Carolina Author

I'm so sorry, Lucy. Be sure to check out the divorcebusting website, and your top priority should be to make some new friends. Good luck!


howcurecancer profile image

howcurecancer 5 years ago

You need emotional support and love from your friends and family.


SavedIt 5 years ago

Thanks dineane, I followed your advice with my wife and I think I'll be able to turn things around. Finding this article when I did was the critical difference for us!


Alan 5 years ago

Hi Dineane...thank you for this hub. My wife has just recently wanted to get a divorce and I have had a hard time adjusting emotionally. We have been together for over 13 years..over 3 of which we are married. Due to financial constraints we still have to live together until we catch up. That alone is painful to have to live with a person you have loved for a long time and have to be strangers too in the same house. Everything you said is what she said to me...to work on myself. You are totally right about a relationship not being 50/50. For now i'm happy I found your post because it gives me some kind of hope that i'm not the only one going through this...and that there still is some light at the end of the tunnel. I'll let you know how everything goes...wish me luck.


Jane 5 years ago

Some of these comments are heartbreaking. My heart goes out to all of you. I left my husband 22 years ago and I wish I hadn't. I was just too immature. I have felt badly about it for several years now.


Jane Marks 4 years ago

Really a nice article Dineane. I really feel that when we be someone our Spouse Wants, more than half the battle is won. I am sure every women can make all those small changes in their lives to make their marriage work. My blog: http://www.whymyhusbandhatesme.com


Sara 4 years ago

Great article, just what I needed, gave me a little tiny hope. My husband of 7 years told me last Sunday that it's over and he want's us to split. I'm still in a state of shock. He said I hurt him a lot and pushed him away and he's numb inside and doesn't love me anymore. There's a lot of anger in him and he felt rejected by me. I didn't see that, I knew things wren't great but I was severely depressed and was focusing on myself rather than our marriage. We have a 4 year old child and all of this will be hard on all of us. I love him and didn't want to push him away and I really want to try to save the marriage. So far I walk around like a zombie for the past week, he's refusing to try and look for help. He said he made a decision and won't back up, he doesn't love me and is not going back and doesn't want to get hurt again. I did nothing but beg and cry ever since he told me (not very attractive I know. I'm hoping if I change the attitude and follow the advice that he might eventually change his mind. He can't move out yet due to the financial circumstances so there might be light at the end of the tunnel, although I can't see it just yet...


Fab 4 years ago

I'm in shock also. My husband told me again couple days ago that he wants the divorce. We have 2 wonderful girls. I am suffering for them, honestly. Where is our love? Where did it go? I don't want the divorce. I have been crying to him and alone. I need help.


Bill 4 years ago

Thanks Dineane for a wonderful article. The bomb was dropped on me a little over two months ago. I was devastated when I heard the words "I still love you, but I'm not in love with you". Since then I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have tried to be strong emotionally but it is the hardest thing in the world to me. With each day I get stronger, with a set back every now and then. We have two small kids, that I know will be devasted if this happens.


Elle 4 years ago

My husband of 14 years dropped the bomb on me two months ago. He said that he was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce. He thinks I need to rediscover myself, as does he. The tragic part is that we have a 3 year old who is now suffering. I don't want this divorce to happen. I am still madly in love with him and didn't see this coming at all. I must admit, I spent the first six weeks just mourning the loss, but I don't want to give up. I have started counselling, and am looking for support groups. I have reconnected with friends who I haven't seen in twenty years. While the future is very uncertain, I can only hope. I was encouraged by your article.


Bernie 4 years ago

From a man's perspective:

My marriage has been a lonely one since our son was born.

My wife devotes 100% of her time at home to him. I don't resent that, but I do resent that she does NOTHING in the marriage. NOTHING!!

She's a great mom, I will never deny that, but a lousy wife.

Two months ago she asked for a divorce and belittled me on every level.

I work hard, 4 jobs!! They never go without. But there's no sex, no talking (until pay day), no communication, no intimacy, no memory building.

I've followed similar advice to this hub. In the first few weeks, I was hurting badly, and doing/saying everything to push her away. Now, I've rediscovered myself and realized just how much I'd let myself go.

So I'm playing it the right way until new year, and if nothing changes, I'm out of the house fornthe sanity of myself and my son. She's already agreed to joint custody, so that eases a big part of the burden on him.

Be yourself, know the limits, and if it comes to crunch time, accept it and move forward. You'll be stronger for it.


Ps 4 years ago

And do t put this on God, your family or friends.

It is all YOU YOU YOU!!

YOU are responsible for how YOU feel!

YOU are responsible for how YOU think!

YOU are responsible for how YOU act!

YOU are in FULL CONTOL of YOU!

People want YOU! They want the positive, confident YOU!

Read these sentences and decide which one is more attractive and 'pulls' you to it:

1) I am happy, smiling and laughing as I enjoy my life everyday!

2) I am sad, depressed and inadvertently pushing everyone away with my negative energy.

If you feel pulled towards #2, repeat #1 10 times while smiling!


slp 4 years ago

thank you for this. i think i lost myself - work, marriage, kids, being a homemaker... and now my husband doesn't recognize the fun and exciting person he remembers me to be. yes, i'm tired and yes, my social life is gone. but i love my family so much that the idea of it being over because he's "unhappy" seems so unfair to me. yes, he's suffered professionally but at the end of the day we still have our home, our jobs, our cars... we even went on vacation! we have so much to be blessed and grateful for. i feel so lost. i think i will take your advice to join a support group. it'll be hard, i tend to be shy and new people are hard for me to get to know, but i have to. if i want my family to survive i need to demonstrate to my husband that i am still the vivacious woman he fell in love with. i am just so heartbroken that i feel devastated. i'm so horribly hurt - especially because of the Holidays just around the corner. but like the others, i thank you for sharing this, and i will visit the website you recommended.


strkngfang profile image

strkngfang 4 years ago

Thanks for sharing & nicely done. I'm glad it worked out for you but I have to think that is not a very common thing. My ex said she wanted a divorce, even after she cheated on me. The fact that I still remained and was trying to save us just ticked her off more. I went through a lot of the steps you describe but after several months of her barely talking to me, sleeping elsewhere etc I admitted defeat and left. I had thought about just not showing up to the hearing but my lawyer father said it didn't matter, she would still get it anyway so why draw it out. I agree that she mourned the relationship secretly and then was ready to end it. I've still never figured this out and how I couldn't tell something was a miss???


Mrs. Johnson 4 years ago

I have only been married for eleven months. My husband did rush for us to do this. I agreed. We spent chriistmass with his family who bearly knew me. After.words they all got together and told him they didn't thonk i am right for him. I admit things haven't been perfect. I dodnt expect this. Working on myself is jard when this is all going on. He says.he cares.for me but doeant know if he loves me. I want him to come back to his senses. Want to save my marriage but see him very convinced that i cant make him happy


JDove-Miller profile image

JDove-Miller 4 years ago from YOUNGSVILLE

Mrs. Williams, as one who divorced after only 16 months, I know your pain and frustration. However, ask yourself what you're holding on to and why. His saying he doesn't know if he loves you is code for "I don't love you." He's just not brave enough to say it. My advice: Don't settle for anything less than love. If you do, you'll be less than happy. Good luck.


jainismus profile image

jainismus 4 years ago from Pune, India

dineane,

Well written, useful Hub for many. Voted up and shared.


Jo 4 years ago

My husband has been saying he's been thinking about divorce for about 6 months or so. We have been together for almost 4 years and married almost 1. I just found out that he has been having an affair for the past couple months. It started out as an emotional affair, and they work together. He was able to vent to her and talk to her about why he wasn't happy in our marriage. Now, we have split up, and he is still with her. He says he still loves me, but isn't IN love with me, and there is nothing to fight for. He says he can't change, and he doesn't deserve me. I feel in my heart that he is still in love with me, but he is trying to "protect" me in some twisted way. Like, if he ends the marriage, there is no chance of him doing this again down the road if we were to stay together.

I always thought that if this happened I would be done now questions asked, but I love my husband and THIS is not who he is. I think I know his heart and the way he is acting is not the man I know. He is wrapped up in a fantasy of being able to sleep with whoever he wants whenever he wants, and says that is what he wants. It has only been a couple weeks since finding out so it is very fresh. I want to save my marriage, but he says he is done. I am trying to focus on myself and being ok without him. I just want answers and I want my husband to want me and our marriage. I want him to "come around" and want to work on us. Is there any hope?


zibbitary 4 years ago

Hi, seems strange talking aboput this to strangers though I currently have noone else to turn to.

I have been married for 13 years and last Thursday I had the bomshell that she wanted to end it. She still loves me but no longer likes or lusts me. It was crushing. I know that I have struggled to adapt to the language and culture over here and my wife also travels with work most weeks. I had a good job in the UK but again struggled to find work out in Sweden due to the language problem. This has made me very insecure and I am no longer the life and soul of parties like I used to be in the UK. She mentioned that she feels like my mother and is tired of her life. I have said we can work on it but she says too much has gone on to forget and start again. I am traveling back to UK tomorrow to spend some time apart and I am already dreading my return and what that brings. I will also say I wish I found this website earlier as I have cried nonstop in front of her, pleaded and begged. I really believe this can work but I am at a loss when the other person seems so decided. I struggle with the fact that on Wednesday we were laughinjg and joking with the kids and we got close in the evening. Then suddenly on Thursday my whole world fell apart.


Sam 4 years ago

I just found out my husband of 11 months wants a divorce. I came back from a fun weekend visiting my family in another state. (He didn't want to go and gave no good reason why he wouldn't.) I had a great time and he said, " I need to talk to you, please sit down." He is unemployed and I thought he heard something from the company he just interviewed at. I was worried about the job and asked if it was good news or bad news. Then he dropped it on me. He decided he should file for a divorce and has been thinking about it for a long time. He never told me a thing and I feel completely betrayed. I want to do couples therapy and he said he would consider it. He is going to his therapist Tuesday to talk to him about everything. I left my job last year when we got married because he wanted us to live in another town. I am also currently unemployed and not for a lack of trying. I feel completely tricked. I have little money in my own bank account. I wish he had told me how serious he felt about our "problems". He already talked to his mom about this. She has had 3 failed marriages and I don't think she's the right person to be doling out advise. I feel so stupid! I have no idea what to do. I feel like I was always doing things for him. I supported him at his job, did most of the chores in the house and even did things I knew he'd like, like tennis. I really feel like the jokes on me. I don't think he will be willing to do therapy. I think he made his mind up on his own. I just wish I was employed and had money. Then I would move to Canada and start fresh when he leaves me. I honestly don't know what to do now. I don't think I can read or watch tv or even think. I just feel like a stone that occasionally cries. Ugh ugh ugh. If he leaves me, I feel like I will never trust another man again. Actually, I will never trust anyone like him again. He is heartless. Completely heartless.


Wayne 4 years ago

The Mother of my child and love of my life has left me and taken my little angel, I miss them so much, She allows me to see my Baby - but wants "to break free", I had a Motorcycle accident 3 years ago, and I have recently been told that I am borderline clinically depressed this is related to the accident and pain meds im taking to control the pain, She has now left me on the 11th March since then I have been to hell and back and the train aint stopping, I work my ass off to provide as a Man should do and saving for future Schooling and Wedding etc but this is now just a pipedream. I want this relationship to work and have suggested we see a relationship counsellor but she says she needs to break free I have hurt her too much. I love her so much and my daughter even more so. I dont want to loose them, I cry when I goto bed and when I awake - I dont know what to do - Please just make the pain go away, I am not like this - I usually have motivation and see the glass as half full but now I dont know anymore... I dont want to loose my family? I cant just break free - I have my little girl to think of aswell - If I let my best friend go - I stand to loose them both - When I try talking to her about her emotions she says I'm pushing her further away... how does one deal with this... If it was just us - the no contact thing would be fine... but I love them both so so much - everytime I see her - i crumble all over again


eva 4 years ago

Wayne,

It's a similar situation with me. My husband wants a divorce/unsure of what he really wants and we have a 12 week old baby. I think what might be best for you would be to take a couple days for yourself without seeing her. Let out all your emotions during that time. Cry, get mad.. whatever. It will make it easier for you to talk to her afterwards. That's what I did. Hope you feel better. I'm keeping my head up for my baby. Goodluck to you. Just know that its not the end of the world and things will always work out.

Great article Dineane. I was sort if doing that already. It's hard tho especially when my husban acts like he doesn't care...


Chris 4 years ago

What a great article. This week my wife told me after 12 years of marriage that she was done and couldn't try anymore. I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself and that there was nothing that I can do. Maybe the steps suggested won't be enough but all of the suggestions sound like a healty way to deal with what is likely to come. I may not be able to change the course of the marriage but I can change me. Thank you to the writer.


Robin 4 years ago

I'm sad angry upset and all around mentally upset. I read all these responses and I wish my partner gave me a single ray of hope. I'm so lost witht the thought of life without my husband I'm scarred of what I might do.


strkngfang profile image

strkngfang 4 years ago

Hang in there, Robin. Everyone has gone through this and you will make it out the other side. A therapist is really helping me with my situation, it might help you too. Sadly we can only control what we want.


Reina Kim 4 years ago

Thanks for ur article!! I am now going thru these disaster... And I was doing everything u say not to do.... Well... I will try to find myself instead of try to find a way to make this marriage works.. U r totally right!! If that is not gonna help me with this marriage situation, at least it's gonna help me to move on quickly!!! Thanks a lot!


Bioman 4 years ago

My wife has left me after 15 years. Five years ago we split up but then had a wonderful reunion. We made new vows that unfortunately I couldn't keep. I have ignored her needs and she has finally given up. I have spent the last month sending a stream of texts and emails to her, begging forgiveness and asking her to reconsider but she says she knows this is the right decision for her.

I am now alone, and looking forward to a lonely life without her. I dread the split up of possessions, and I will have to find somewhere to live. I have been foolish and I am now suffering for it.

However, I agree with all the advice. It is up to me what now happens. I must be strong and whetehr she ever comes back is not my decision.

Thank you for your good advice.


Kristen 4 years ago

This was incredible. I have read alot about how to save my marriage, and this article and "how i saved my marriage" are by far the best, and makes complete sence!


JudG 4 years ago

I believe while these tactics may have seemed to have saved your marriage it is only a matter of time until you are getting divorced. You should have done this work prior to being remarried. You can not pretend to be happy and you have only made it more difficult for your husband to tell you the truth. The depression was a reason to ask for divorce. He still wants the divorce but now doesn't feel justified enough to ask. If it were love he never would have asked for divorce but, supported you to try and help you heal. People feel such pressure to capture another so they will not be alone rather than getting comfortable being alone and then meeting the right person to share their life with. Good luck and love yourself.


dineane profile image

dineane 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

You are welcome to your opinion, JudG, and I don't have a crystal ball, but it's been another two plus years and we are doing better than ever.


roxy,slc,ut 4 years ago

I just got told this a few hours ago, my high school sweetheart told me he is done and is leading to devorce for a solution. Am so heartbroken I could check my self in to hospital for the rest of my life. I love him so, and we have been together for 12 yrs and married for almost 5 of those years.... I cried and told him how much of love him and want us to be together, but after reading your Hub no more, it will so hard but I will do what you say, because it seems like that is all I can do for now.


Lovelovemeloveme profile image

Lovelovemeloveme 4 years ago from Cindee's Land

thanks for the hub. it was very interesting. im sure this will be of great help to a lot of ppl. :)

also, ppl's comments are very interesting too.

Note to comment-ers: if u love urself, happy with urself and in general, then the other person will see the value in u as well. And if they don't, then maybe it's time for self reflection and improvement. Or they're not worth it. and if that's the case, let them go in pursuit of replacing rocks for diamonds. u deserve better.


Bruce Clark profile image

Bruce Clark 4 years ago

Save it when it's worth saving. Try to weigh things wisely and decide from there. If you have the reason to save it then don't or else you will regret it when it's too late already to fix things up.


KJS 4 years ago

This is amazing advise. my wife said she no longer wanted to be married 1 week ago. I begged I cried I freaked. I see now that this just pushed her further away. I am committed to taking your advice and doing my best to get this marriage back on track. I hope I didn't do irreparable damage this week!! I am motivated to get going. Thanks soooo much.


strkngfang profile image

strkngfang 4 years ago

I did the same thing with my first wife, even after she cheated on me. Being strong is a lot harder than it looks, your big heart always gets in the way. Hang in there and best of luck!!!


faithbuilder23 profile image

faithbuilder23 3 years ago from Pennsylvania

Great Hub!!


daniel 3 years ago

great article my wife dropped the bomb on me the week of our 4th anny, it has been a little over 2 months since then and we have been going back and fourth on what to do up until 2 days ago when she said she officially wants a sepereation, she says she wants a seperation rather than a divorce because she is afraid that a few months will go by and she will want to work it out so she wants to just "find" her self and see if im what she really wants. i have been resisting the seperation since she dropped the bomb because we have a 5 year old that this divorce will devistate and a 1 year old. i believe we should work it out for them. i realize i have done probably the most damage in our relationship but am willing to accept my faults and hit them head on. but she is at a point where she doesnt want counseling and if we try and talk she just gets mad. up until this article i have been going nuts inside my head debating on if i should continue to fight a one sided battle. after reading this article i feel a little more armed and feel i can make it work even it is just me fighting. thank you!


mike 3 years ago

We were in midst of a divorce when this dum 2000 word book saved our marriage and our family. It was so so simplistic of knowledge. My wife agreed to give it a read and poof life changed quickly. The book is written by David Xzenre on amazon.


Jay 19 months ago

great article although your way off as with Michelle Weiner-Davis's advice. Go check out Dr David Schnarch's work at crucibletherapy.com/

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