My boyfriend is a PUA...what should I do?

My SO is a player...what now?

If you are reading this article the chances are that:

a) You are in a happy successful relationship.

b) You've discovered your boyfriend is a pick-up artist.

Just consider that for a second-a happy, successful relationship? How do I know that? Well, you probably just discovered that your boyfriend is well-versed in the art of pick-up and it disturbs you. If there were already problems with the relationship the chances are you'd just ditch the guy, much less read up on pick-up to find out what its all about. Congratulations on being smart enough to do that, you are a high-quality woman.

Now, maybe you found some website on pick-up in his internet bookmarks, maybe you found a copy of "The Game" by Neil Strauss, or some other book/s on pick-up, under the bed. Whatever, you may understandably be feeling a little angry and deceived right now.

The first thing you need to do is understand that there are many, many reasons why guys become interested in pick-up. These run the gamut from a simple desire to get as many girls into bed as possible through self-improvement, sheer intellectual curiosity to the need to find that pure, unconditional love in a partner almost everybody craves. In short, pick-up artists (PUA) are people, pure and simple.

The second thing you need to establish is to what extent your boyfriend's interest is. If there is just that one copy of "The Game" under the bed the chances are that he is not really that expert or knowledgeable about the subject, and may just have had a mild curiosity that has already evaporated. This is probably the most likely explanation, in which case forget it and get on with your life. I have a book on karate somewhere, but I'm not a black belt.

If you suspect your boyfriend's interest is more intense, then you need to understand a few things.

Pick-up artists do not hate women, at least any more than men in general.

Most PUA's originally started as decent, romantic men who tried to find the women of their dreams the old-fashioned way by being them flowers, taking them to restaurants, and proclaiming their undying love. When they found out that just didn't work they wanted to know why.

There is a difference between being a player and knowing how to play.

Pick-up artists do not use "tricks" to get you into bed. Rather the emphasis is on rediscovering yourself and getting rid of all the social programming society teaches you. You may be wondering who your "real" boyfriend is-the truth is he probably became more rather than less true to himself by learning pick-up. In any case, PUA theory mainly applies to the initial stages of a relationship. It can't teach you who to be.

Now, there is a kind of negative in having a boyfriend PUA in that it is likely, if your guy is any good at it, that he would find it easier to stray than most men. However, you need to really think about that-do you want a guy who will never approach another women because, frankly, he wouldn't know how, or do you want a guy you can trust? If it is the latter, then really it makes no difference.

Successful PUA's actually many qualities that in other circumstances would be considered heroic. They are generally intelligent, resourceful, highly skilled socially, and willing to take risks when necessary. Your guy took a risk on you the first time you met him.

This is not to say all PUA's are wonderful people. Like any group of people you will find some misogynists, cynics and general bad apples in the group. But you would be wrong to assume your boyfriend falls into this category just because he wanted to learn how to meet women.

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Comments 6 comments

Alicia 6 years ago

I fully agree with this, my BF is a pick up artist, but he has never cheated on me and always treats me to a good time like this one time we went on the Ferris wheel for out 4 th year anniversary, it was magical like most of my romance novels,haha.

When I found out about he was a pick artist , he told me that he just could not talk to women and that he women and had a terrible self-esteem and it was true as he still shows these signs of being un-confident.

He always knows how to make me laugh and I have never had a dull conversation with him.

ithoughtiwasaplayer 5 years ago

ok my he admitted he is a proffessional one. we need to warn women about this shit im so frikkin pissed off

Takenoshitsherlock 5 years ago

What a lot of need to learn that it's not about techniques that make them attractive it's actually being not be fooled by this crap because as soon as any girl finds out that their man is into this it's done, you're finished and with any luck she will humiliate you as you have done's weird and complete nonsense!! Guys would be so pissed if the boot was on the other foot. Luckily for you us girls don't need books techniques and cheesy lines to get where we want to be.

Me 4 years ago

Dear Takenoshitsherlock,

Your an idiot, the pua community is more about self improvement, becoming confidant, fit and healthy and adventures. The pua community raises alpha males where parents have failed, it is raising a better class of men for women who deserve them.

There are bad eggs that will lie to get in with women, buts they would be doing it regardless.

Bitchplease 4 years ago

Dear my beloved Takenoshitsherlock, and other's of the same school of thought.

Most men will have heard very average women complain that its hard to find a real man these days. I would argue that its hard for them to find a real man who will be interested in them for anything much beyond a one night stand, simply because they arent good enough for such a man. Some questions I’d love to ask a woman who makes such a complaint would include:

What's your BMI?

Can you cook / do other household tasks well

Have you taken time to work out how to please a man in bed (what books / resources do you use to get good at this)

How much effort do you put into dating when a potentially decent man shows interest in you? What do you do to encourage him?

Do you have a feminine personality, or are you sarcastic / feisty / sassy?

Many people will say that this is sexist. It is. But women are equally sexist. They will demand a real man (quite often in the traditional sense of the word man) but will be shocked if a man demands the polar opposite; a real woman.

An average women thinking that she is entitled to a well rounded and developed man because she has tits and a pussy is akin to the over weight, lacking a social life newbie PUA thinking that he can bang 9s and 10s because he’s learnt a few routines. It’s fantasy.

As the seduction community grows more and more men are looking inwardly and deciding they need to improve themselves in order to achieve dating success. Meanwhile women continue to blame their dating failure on men instead of looking at themselves. In the long run this is going to give the men who take this harder path a massive edge over most women in the dating market. After a 3-5 years of putting decent effort into game and self improvement, the problem a man is most likely to face is finding a woman good enough for him, rather than just finding a women who will like him.

Bitch please stop trolling on the internet, and get yourself into the fucking gym.

Final thought: there is no such thing as an ugly girl only a lazy one.

FPUA 4 years ago

Dear Bitchplease



YES I can, but I earn more money that most men, so they better get back to cleaning quick smart.

Yes, many resources.

I'm a freakin' FPUA.

I do not have a "feminine" personality, I have a strong female one, but I do not want a "real man" I just want one that doesn't treat me like sh*t, apparently, with idiots such as yourself this is hard to achieve.

I do not think that PUA are a bad, thing. I agree with this article, if he likes you enough it doesn't matter what techniques he did or didn't use. It matters that he chose you.

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