My boyfriend is a PUA...what should I do?
My SO is a player...what now?
If you are reading this article the chances are that:
a) You are in a happy successful relationship.
b) You've discovered your boyfriend is a pick-up artist.
Just consider that for a second-a happy, successful relationship? How do I know that? Well, you probably just discovered that your boyfriend is well-versed in the art of pick-up and it disturbs you. If there were already problems with the relationship the chances are you'd just ditch the guy, much less read up on pick-up to find out what its all about. Congratulations on being smart enough to do that, you are a high-quality woman.
Now, maybe you found some website on pick-up in his internet bookmarks, maybe you found a copy of "The Game" by Neil Strauss, or some other book/s on pick-up, under the bed. Whatever, you may understandably be feeling a little angry and deceived right now.
The first thing you need to do is understand that there are many, many reasons why guys become interested in pick-up. These run the gamut from a simple desire to get as many girls into bed as possible through self-improvement, sheer intellectual curiosity to the need to find that pure, unconditional love in a partner almost everybody craves. In short, pick-up artists (PUA) are people, pure and simple.
The second thing you need to establish is to what extent your boyfriend's interest is. If there is just that one copy of "The Game" under the bed the chances are that he is not really that expert or knowledgeable about the subject, and may just have had a mild curiosity that has already evaporated. This is probably the most likely explanation, in which case forget it and get on with your life. I have a book on karate somewhere, but I'm not a black belt.
If you suspect your boyfriend's interest is more intense, then you need to understand a few things.
Pick-up artists do not hate women, at least any more than men in general.
Most PUA's originally started as decent, romantic men who tried to find the women of their dreams the old-fashioned way by being them flowers, taking them to restaurants, and proclaiming their undying love. When they found out that just didn't work they wanted to know why.
There is a difference between being a player and knowing how to play.
Pick-up artists do not use "tricks" to get you into bed. Rather the emphasis is on rediscovering yourself and getting rid of all the social programming society teaches you. You may be wondering who your "real" boyfriend is-the truth is he probably became more rather than less true to himself by learning pick-up. In any case, PUA theory mainly applies to the initial stages of a relationship. It can't teach you who to be.
Now, there is a kind of negative in having a boyfriend PUA in that it is likely, if your guy is any good at it, that he would find it easier to stray than most men. However, you need to really think about that-do you want a guy who will never approach another women because, frankly, he wouldn't know how, or do you want a guy you can trust? If it is the latter, then really it makes no difference.
Successful PUA's actually many qualities that in other circumstances would be considered heroic. They are generally intelligent, resourceful, highly skilled socially, and willing to take risks when necessary. Your guy took a risk on you the first time you met him.
This is not to say all PUA's are wonderful people. Like any group of people you will find some misogynists, cynics and general bad apples in the group. But you would be wrong to assume your boyfriend falls into this category just because he wanted to learn how to meet women.
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