My need for transition

Transgender

Male to Female transition

As a young child I was very shy and did not open up to my family or to the people around me. I felt that I was going through something that I could not truly understand but I felt it was something that defined me. I can not explain what drew me to this but I can tell you that it happened naturally and it was a consistent part of my life. It all started when I was 5 years old and I had this urge to dress in my younger sister's clothes. I enjoyed wearing the softer and prettier clothing and I felt it was perfectly ok for me. Deep down I recognized that I had a persistent need to do this and when I did wear girls clothes I was so much more happier. There were times I would wear them to sleep in my bed with only me knowing it. I was good at hiding it and at knowing when I could dress. I started to appreciate dress up time and when I wore a pretty dress and stood in front of the mirror I had the biggest smile on my face. I was about 9 years old when I started wearing dresses. I was fortunate enough to be small enough to fit my younger sister's dress size. I remember crying myself to sleep when I was unable to dress and I felt like something was not right. I always felt inside I was a girl but I knew I was born different because on the outside I was a boy. It was a battle I fought all throughout my life and I am not sure why I had been dealt this dilemma. I cried many times over my situation but I tried to just accept it and do whatever I could to bring out the girl who resided within me. It was very easy for me to find a way to dress because I knew it was a matter of survival for me but then again it was the biggest secret in my life and what a big secret it has been. To this day it is the biggest secret I had to keep to myself. I could not even think twice about opening up and telling someone. At times I just wanted to go out and dress as I felt I should but it was not to be. I did not feel safe or comfortable presenting myself as a girl outside of the house. Yes I certainly wanted to go out and dress as a girl every day and wear pretty things but i knew I was not supposed to do this.

I have felt all my life I have had this hugh burden weighing on me and sometimes I wonder why it had to be me. Why for most this is not an issue but for me it is something I face everyday from when I awake in the morning to when I go to sleep at night. Why do I enjoy shopping in the women's department? Why do I love dresses so much? Why am I so very feminine in my perceptions of myself? Why do I still love to look at myself in the mirror with a dress on and why do I have this overwhelming need to wear dresses and women's clothing? Why did I suppress it so much and deny this part of myself? Why after all these years am I still dealing with this a seemingly innocent act of trying on one item of my sister's clothing that has become a main focus in my life. Why do I feel I am a woman? I wish I had the answers. All I know is that I have feelings that are more common to girls. I feel I am a teenage girl looking forward to blossoming and enjoying becoming a young woman. These are strange words to hear from a middle aged male who is a husband and a father and has a life with responsibility and great pressure.

I am not looking to escape. In fact I want to keep my family intact and still maintain my responsibility and still provide the love I have in my heart for both my wife and son. I have such tremendous feelings of guilt and I just don't know what to do but I know if I don't consider addressing these feelings and staying true to the course of transitioning I most certainly will die. I can not keep denying myself this wonderful gift of femininity. I need help and support and encouragement. I went for way too long hiding this and denying it and now I feel the floodgates have opened and it is my time. It is what I have always wanted in my life. The opportunity to express the true me. If I can't do this then I will most certainly give up my hope of ever finding happiness and understanding who I am. I don't blame anyone for these feelings and in fact I have found that I am a very understanding person and if I am fortunate enough to transition and still keep my family intact and still have a job to go to with the support and encouragement of my employer and co-workers and realize what i have known all along that i am a woman then my life has real meaning and that i am truly a survivor. I don't want to wind up a statistic and lose everything. I have worked so hard and to have this life and know I am not presenting who I truly am as a person is the biggest tragedy in my life. I am trapped in a way that not many could ever understand. I understand because I live it and know it firsthand. I feel that my blossoming into a woman would be my most happiest moment which would rank up there just like my wedding day and the birth of our son.

I am so happy to have my wife and son in my life and still encourage them to stay with me even if I do eventually transition to becoming a woman. I don't know what the future will hold but i do know that I will never escape these feelings and I am now facing the most daunting challenge I could ever imagine. I do also realize that if I take the bold action to transition that I am only doing what I am supposed to. The little girl's voice inside of me has been there all along and she is only telling me what I already know which is that my life will be more enhanced with the realization that I need to stay true to who I am and that I should never feel ashamed of it. I need help to get me through this and I only hope I can find the help I need and the support system so I can be that girl I always knew I was.

Edward D. Iannielli III

emmi

MtF Transgender

MtF Transition on HRT

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Comments 11 comments

Indyprincess40 4 years ago

Hey Ediann!I understand more than you would think,cause I started off very young as well I am thinking about 7,or 8 yrs old. I just knew that I was a girl,like you I would try on my sisters dresses,and I had a lot of fem ways about myself I was very small and petite build,and always have been and still am today.As you I could not express myself that I wanted to,due to fear and what others would think ? I always had a feeling in my mind when I would walking around I would image myself walking around as a beautiful women,even tho at the time I was a boy, I did after a while suppress these feelings cause I was not sure and had none to talk to about this,I needed help desperately.As life continued cause of my fem ways and manner I was made fun of by bullies and children in my school cause I was indeed different I would try to get out there and act like the other guys,but it seemed I was a girl,trying to fit into a boys world,in fact the guys would even tell me you can't play! you sound to much like a girl. I was hurt bt this of course, I even quit school later on when I was legally able to at the time you could quit school at 16yrs old,,,so I did,now I wished I hadn't but I didn't see no other way to avoid their curel ways,and intentions. I was not gay,or anything like that I was just different,cause in third grade I had a girl friend thinking that this would help me and I had a best friend one time,his name was Phillip and told me I walked like a girl,but that he would help me do better cause I wanted to so he taught me how to walk,I know that sounds strange,,but here I was it seemed transiting into a guy,from a girl but at the time I didn't realiaze what was happening,,it was not till 2009,I have been dressing and able to express myself now and feel more secure about myself as a women,I could go and on and on but I will not maybe I will write on this in a few days and tell my story,but my point is I know how you feel.


ediann profile image

ediann 4 years ago Author

Dear Indy, You are so sweet in your writing and expressing your feelings. i know how you feel and I hope you can find a good support system. I feel alone but I am blessed with a wife and son I love. I am very affected by my gender dysphoria and also very aware that I have a family relying on me. My son is autistic and he needs a lot of love, encouragement and support and i need to be there for him. It is a very difficult situation to be transgendered and to be the parent of a spacial needs child. I have been trying real hard to be so very supportive to my son and I realize before I can help him I need to help myself. I am seeing a therapist and also seeing a medical doctor. I want my son to always know he can count on me even if that means transitioning to become a woman. I will be the same person and I feel I would be happier. I will offer you my friendship and a way we can communicate and share our experiences. I want you to contact me anytime you need to through hubpages and if I can offer you anything I would say to have heart, be courageous and stay as beautiful as you are. Never stop dreaming. If you have a computer and internet you certainly can search for nearby support groups near you which sounds like you need to do. I am also looking for support groups as well but sometimes you have to have patience and persistence. You will get there sometime, never lose you way or hope.

I wish you all the best as you embark on your feminine journey.

emmi


JessMcCray profile image

JessMcCray 4 years ago from NYC

I commend you on your bravery to find the real you. I watched your video and I love your artwork too! The most important thing is : To thine own self be true!


ediann profile image

ediann 4 years ago Author

Thank you Jess for your friendship and for your support!


JessMcCray profile image

JessMcCray 4 years ago from NYC

You too :)


Indyprincess40 4 years ago

Thank you Ediann I think that is the way you spell your name sorry if I got that wrong. Thanks for all of your comments,and I think that you are very expressive in your writtings and feelings to,,sure I would love to talk here and be friends and communicate that would be great. You are most right when you say that I need a group and a support system I really do,,I have been alone,,but I am at peace with myself and happy that is the main thing.You can always contact me here as well if you need a friend or someone to talk to,,,I would like that a lot and one thing forsure your honesty says that you are a loving and good person,,so you stay beautiful,and keep reaching for the stars,,,sweetie


stanwshura profile image

stanwshura 4 years ago

On the spectrum of being some macho, Clint Eastwood (who is pretty damned cool, philosophically/politically!), aggressive, go-gettin', tough blah blah blah blah to wishing I could snap my fingers and transform my thoughts to render my body a curvy, hairless below the neck and gorgeous flowing and full above, with breasts I've fantasized (and lamely constructed via stuffed socks and other elaborate methods to get a closer synthesis - to just plain wanting to walk out my front door as a full out XX!!!!!! - I wander from being ambivalently disappointed in any of my manhood, to the aforementioned fully transformed (well, born AS - hence the XX). I have so many bigger issues in my life, and that leaves this vague sadness that I know I will never really have the choice to ponder, consider, or in fact go through with any change. I'm not "uncomfortable in my own skin, gender wise" just that Ihave long felt a very strong pull toward femininity. I've even (subconsciously part of the motive) gained real weight in the hop that it would be generously distributed to my chest. Unfortunately, it's been a proportional thing.... Again, wasn't a woke up in the moreing and decide - hey, maybe if I were fat, I'd have female sized breasts - but it sat (sits) there and nudges me now and again...So much more - but I don't wan't to overshadow your beautiful and generously and courageously honest hub.


Georgiakevin profile image

Georgiakevin 4 years ago from Central Georgia

You write sensitively and openly.Your honesty and love for your family really comes out in your hub. I have read one other hub that you wrote and i am ever more impressed by your courage and how well you write. I know of a family dealing with similar challenges that you face but are not doing as well as you and your family are. By writing your hubs and posting videos on Youtube, you are encouraging so many.


Georgiakevin profile image

Georgiakevin 4 years ago from Central Georgia

If a person is truly transsexual they cannot run from who they are. Sometimes ones who won't accept who they are grow to hate the battle but no matter what they do their feelings never go away. Life gets more and more upsetting until they finally have no other choice but to face who they are and love the person they really see in their mirror.


Bronwyn J Hansen 4 years ago

Ediann, you are not alone! I knew at 6 that I was meant to be a girl. I had to wait another three decades, but I was eventually able to start down the long road toward gender reassignment surgery. Granted, you have different responsibilities and circumstances than I do, but you have to do what is right for you. I put off being the real me when I was 17 because I was the family doormat at the time. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

I wish you all the best with everything. Please keep in touch with me and let me know how you are doing.


Deenah 4 years ago

Hey,i know exactly what your feeling. I started going threw that same thing when i was very young,after way to long i ended up starting my transition(4 months so far) and it has been nothing but a great experience so far. Stay true to yourself,and don't let anyone tell you who you are..Only you have the answer to that question..

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