Newly Widowed - The Third Month

Copyright Missi Darnell
Copyright Missi Darnell

Well Month Three of widowhood came and went quickly. No more counting days, or weeks, it's months now. I'm writing this during month four, which is entirely different, and trying to reflect back on March. My memory fades from one week to the next and December seems a lifetime ago.

It seemed as if things were slowing down and coming together a bit. I found Hubpages a wonderful, creative outlet, as writing is my form of self expression. I secured a part time job, locally, so I am close to home. We live in a small community of exceptional people of whom I am grateful to have around me and my children. Work brought me an entirely new set of friends and caring people who I had never had the chance to meet before. Another escape. No reminders there, no one who wants to reflect and share their own memories of my husband. A respite for me.

I felt my strength and confidence growing. The often asked question of 'how am I going to get through this' changed to 'I can get through this'. I've moved away from the if only's accepting that I can not change what has happened and not that I have to move 'on' (I abhor that term), but move forward. There is no going back, I've done enough standing still, there is only forward. Another day is going to come whether I want it to or not.

I also came to the realization that my husband's friends were just that, his friends. And yes, they were there in the beginning, but have since disappeared. I'm okay with that as well. They have there own grieving process to go through, yet I don't have enough within me to reach out to them. And maybe they feel the same and can't reach out to us. I have no ill feelings towards them, I wish them well, I know they miss their friend and hope that their days are not as lonely as mine.

My search continued for help for my children and my frustration and disappointment grew. Compels and inspires me to say that something needs to be done about this. Maybe someday I'll find myself lobbying for children. Who knows.

I've pondered much about life after death lately. Wondered if his soul is still here or if he is in that place of peace and serenity with his father and his siblings. I've hoped for both and hoped for neither. That's part of the craziness of widowhood. I want him to be at peace, yet I would be angry that he isn't here making sure we're all right. Angry that he might still be here and not at peace. Sounds crazy? I feel that way sometimes and I know others in my shoes would know exactly what I mean.

I still talk to him, though not as often. Sometimes I curse him, but I always end up telling him I will always love him and missing him takes my breath away. Some of the aches have faded, seeing his truck outside in the driveway doesn't hurt as much, though there are days when I'll drive up our long dirt road, the car full of kids, see his truck and want to announce, "Hey, Dad's home!" No. No he's not, and never will he be again.

Life around us moves on and there is no stopping it. Little League sign ups came and went, I opted out this year and felt guilty about doing so. My husband was so involved in all of the things our children participated in and I can't bear to do it without him and can't bear the thought that our baby would tell me how he wished Dad was there like last year. Selfish on my part, yes. So, I put our little one in Cub Scouts, something he's never done before. Something my husband never participated in, yet something positive for him. A new venture, one without reminders of what isn't anymore.

There still are the lists by the phone, a day planner now. The lists are shorter and they are different. Another sign of life moving forward. They don't include my husband, but those things I must get done for the children or myself and some loose ends to follow up on.

March brought some positive things, like Spring unfolding new life. I tried to keep ahead of that black hole of depression and look at positives. I've even laughed and enjoyed myself and tried to chase away the guilt of doing so.

April brought rain and more black clouds over the skies and my life, but that's a hub for next month.

From one widow to another...

  • Eat, Eat, Eat! Even if it is a bite here a nibble there. You'll have to force yourself to eat. I try and now don't go days without food.
  • Vitamins. This has really helped me feel better physically and mentally. I have a stress formula that I take and try to remember to take them daily. When I don't, I can truly feel a difference.
  • Find an outlet for the stress, for depression. It creeps up on you. Whether it's exercise, reading, cooking. Whatever your relief is, find it, make time for it. For me it's writing, in the wee hours of the morning before the sun and the kids are up.
  • Talk, share, communicate with other widows. No one knows what you are going through except for those going through it as well. An enormous weight is lifted when someone else says I know how you feel. I'm inspired when I can reach out to others. If I can touch one persons life in a positive way, my life is richer for it.
  • Keep an eye on your children, if you have children. Children express grief differently than adults. They may seem to act out, defy, begin to have trouble in school. March brought this to our house with a vengeance. One child who is normally very independent, became clingy and now has seperation anxiety. Another who is normally a sweet, easy going child, has become angry and defiant. It is my hope that those of you that have children have more success in finding them help than I have.
  • Lists. Keep the lists going. Though it may change as mine has, still keep them going and document what has been done. Though my mind is not as muddled as it was in January or February, I still find myself forgetting details.

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Comments 33 comments

frogtexx 6 years ago

Brilliant as usual!! Love ya kid & congrats on the new job!!

thevoice profile image

thevoice 6 years ago from carthage ill

powerful loving hub God speed thanks its full of heart love soul

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"Quill" 6 years ago

From the heart comes yet another touching hub... thank you

Blessings and Hugs

kathypi profile image

kathypi 6 years ago from CANADA

I am admitting I read your earlier Hub and it broke my heart to the point I had no idea what to say as I realize saying sorry to hear your loss is for the extent of your loss, and especially for your childrens loss of their dad, just not enough. I sadly left your hub and continued to think of your hub often.

Then today when I read this hub I cannot just leave without commenting.

Grief is a very lonely process.

I am glad you have found a release through your writing, and at the same time your writings will help others going through the process of grief as well.

I found through the agonizing pain of grief what hurt me the most when I lost my dad, was that I felt I had to go it alone. Everyone ceased talking about him and that hurt me more than anything. I know everyone handles grief differently but what I am trying to say is to leave a door open if one or more of your kids need to talk about their dad. I still keep a $5 bill I know dad had in his pocket, I

know that may sound strange but when I was hurting the most it gave me something to hold onto and made me feel close to him again.

I hope I do not upset you with this post, but it is something small that helped me.

I am midlife, and can hardly relate to your situation having a young family to help through the pain but I hope my suggestion of giving the kids something to hold onto when they need it may help. Kathy

ps, I am having a hard time clicking post, but here it is.

JY3502 profile image

JY3502 6 years ago from Florence, South Carolina



suziecat7 profile image

suziecat7 6 years ago from Asheville, NC

Writing is therapy for sure. Hang in there, one step at a time. God bless.

JannyC profile image

JannyC 6 years ago

Very Beautifully written, thanks for sharing this part of yourself with us.

Stumbled this for this could help others who have lost loved ones as well.

Ann Nonymous profile image

Ann Nonymous 6 years ago from Virginia

Beautifully written Missi and very touching! Thanks for sharing! Take care of yourself and keep up your great attitude and strength!

Jamiehousehusband profile image

Jamiehousehusband 6 years ago from Derbyshire, UK

Pleased to hear you're staying on top for your kids and yourself Missi..I've never lost anyone but I can feel your pain and I hold out my strong hand to you.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

frogtex - love you too! Thanks for your continued support and love. Miss you guys something awful.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

thevoice, love, heart and soul... exactly what he was to me. Thank you.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you Quill always feeling the hugs from you!

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

kathypi... completely understand, I'm not sure I would know what to say to me either. Funny you mentioned the bill. I carry my husbands 'lucky' $2 bill in my wallet. I appreciate your advice and it is always welcome. I see it as two different things really, my husband and my childrens father. Anytime my children want to talk about Dad, I talk to them. Speaking of that one of my daughters just asked how old Dad and I were when we got together. It's strange, but it is separated somehow, difficult for me to talk about my husband but okay to talk about Dad. I'm glad you decided to post.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

JY3502 I'm a huge fan of yours as well. Enjoy your hubs a great deal. Thank you for kinds words and though sorry doesnt seem enough I am truly sorry for your losses and so close together. Take care and kkep writing those wonderful stories.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you suziecat... wonderful therapy and hanging in with cat claws.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

JannyC thanks again! I always appreciate your comments and thank you for stumbling. I sure hope that my words can help someone else.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you Ann... marching forward, most days feeling stronger.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

jamiehousehusband thank you. I hope I'm doing enough for them, lots of doubts, but can only do my best and keep trying to do better.

HealthyHanna profile image

HealthyHanna 6 years ago from Utah

Reading this is therapy for many who can not express themselves through he written word. May there be healing both for your and your readers.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

HealthyHanna thank you for commenting, it is my hope that it reaches out to those in my shoes and at the very least makes them feel not so alone.

Liz Kirsten profile image

Liz Kirsten 6 years ago

Missi- I don't know what I would do if I lost my husband and we are only just approaching two years of marriage. I know saying sorry for your loss sounds terribly hackneyed, but I sincerely hope that with your loved ones and friends (and writing!) you will be able to continue the healing process. Beautifully written hub. Thank you for sharing.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you Liz for your kind words, I hope so too. I'm glad you liked this hub.

blake4d profile image

blake4d 6 years ago from Now Rising Out of Phoenix Arizona Earthlings

I am so so in empathy for you MD, no doubt that is one of the biggest losses for anyone. It is good that you are channelling it and sharing it with others. It is also very brave and vulnerable of you to do so in such a public and open forum, I commend your courage. Just make sure you give yourself enough boudaries for the privacy you need - I am not sure I could talk to the world about being a widower after such a short time. Big hugs, xoxoxo, if you ever needed to talk to someone I have unlimited long distance and am only in AZ. Not to be forwrd, but if you really ever needed someone to listen or whatever...Please don't hesitate, Big hugs again MD. =)

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you again blake4d. It's been therapy for me and if I can reach out to another going through the same it inspires me to keep writing. Yes I definitely have boundaries, there are a number of things, feeling that are mine alone. Thank you for the hugs and the offer of friendship.

The Momma profile image

The Momma 6 years ago

you are a wonderful mom. grief is lonely but like any good mom, it gets set aside for cubs or anything to bring normal to the lives of the kids. God bless you Missi and I hope you are doing well...

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

The Momma, thank you for your blessings and kind words and yes the kids keep me going everyday.

aunt val 6 years ago

Happy to hear you are "movin on" Think maybe you'll write a book to help kids? your fortay! I'm always thinking of you and the kids and send hugs & many kisses. Know this is a little late but I've talked to you since.LOVE.LOVE.LOVE YA ALL!!!!!

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Love you too Aunt Val! That is always a possibility, who knows. Love ya.

KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 6 years ago from Sunny Florida

Wonderful hub, great advice and very well written. I am so glad to see you are in the healing process. Best of luck and tahanks for sharinf.

Missi Darnell profile image

Missi Darnell 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Koffee thank you for reading and commenting. Thank you for the well wishes. I am finding that the 'healing process' will be a long road. It does get easier as the days pass.

GmaGoldie profile image

GmaGoldie 6 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

Missi Darnell,

So sorry to hear of your loss. The pain seams endless. Exercise does help the healing. God bless you and your family.

_cheryl_ profile image

_cheryl_ 6 years ago from California

Hi Missi, your heart truly speaks through this hub. I'm glad to hear that things are moving forward for you. I sense your strength and faith while reading this and I know that God is with you every step of the way. My prayers are still with you and the kids to find peace through each day as well as the strenght on days when you need them most. I love that you've chosen HP as an outlet in dealing with this and I'll continue to read and support your writing! Big hugs Missi, take care always! =)

Ladyfairz profile image

Ladyfairz 5 years ago from Georgia, USA

Hello lovely lady,

May your guardian angels lift you up and give you peace...enough for you to put one foot in front of the other one day at the time. Your angels are real and are our own helpers, even when we cannot see them in our three dimentional plane of existence. I cry -literally- to them and remind them of the promise they made to me when I had a "near death" experience: to be with me and help me whenever I called call out whenever you need to. May God bless you and yours as you continue forward...across the miles from Savannah, Georgia,Ms. Zona

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