Coping with affair: Obsessed over details.

Coping with the Affair

In the early stages of discovery it is completely natural to obsess over every little detail of your partners affair. Your partner has had plenty of time to prepare for the fall out, but this is all new to you. They have all the answers, you have none. One of the biggest factors contributing to the success of a marriage after an affair is the guilty party's willingness to talk about it. They need to be remorseful and willing to answer all your questions, even the painful ones. But what if you partner is not willing to share the details? Well, in this case you are left to fend for yourself, left to script your own version of events. Neither scenario is pleasant and each one will undoubtedly cause you to obsess and analyze everything. This can drive you mad, but how do you stop? If you are serious about freeing your mind from the hell it's in, then you can try some of these suggestions, some may seem silly but they do work.

1. Imagine the biggest, brightest flashing STOP sign you can. Every time a mental image surfaces say STOP!, assuming you are alone, otherwise people will begin to question your sanity; which by the way is probably on the brink anyhow. Having said this, it's still not recommended to yell "stop" in public places. If you are in a place where you can't say the words aloud try saying it in your head... repeat as necessary!

2. Some women put a rubber band around their wrists and give it a snap each time they begin to obsess about the affair. Snap a rubber band against your wrist a few hundred times a day and you'll quickly break the habit of obsessing.

3. Get busy. Dive back into a hobby or find something you enjoy that takes your mind off the affair. Not only is this great in helping you to stop obsessing but it also makes your cheating spouse feel a little uneasy about how well you are doing. It makes them wonder if forgiveness is going to come their way or if you are starting a new life without them.

4. Allow yourself a certain amount of time each day strictly for obsessing. Use that time to ponder all the thoughts you are having but when the time you have allotted is over, you have to stop. Start with a reasonable amount of time and gradually decrease it each day.

5. Talk to someone, a friend, a family member or a therapist. If you are not comfortable discussing your feelings at this point then start a journal to yourself. You can even write a letter to your husband, or one to the other woman (but don't send that one). Write whatever it is you would like to say to her, then tear it up or burn it.

6. Remember yourself for the beautiful, loving, amazing woman that you are. Tell "her" she is valuable and it wasn't her fault. You need to be reminded about all the good qualities you possess until you realize that this wasn't about you. You are a prize and your husband is damn lucky to have you as his wife and he is even more lucky if you can find a way in your heart to forgive him. Practice positive affirmations every day, your heart and soul have taken a beating and they need TLC at this time.

7. Use humor. I know, I know! Nothing about this is even remotely funny so how is it possible to find humor in a situation like this?. I found using humor was a great way to lighten the burden. For example, we lived in a very small town and lots of people knew about my husbands affair. Every time I went to the grocery store or any place in public, I would get the sympathetic head tilt followed by an inquiring "howww are youuuu?." Many times I felt like it was a test from these people to see if I knew what they have known for months. I could easily tell who really cared and who was looking for "dirt". I lost 30lbs in the first couple of months after discovery and there were a few incidents of gossip bags stating "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight, everything OK?". Now I knew darn well that they were fishing for information so I would simply answer; "Oh, you know, been on the infidelity diet!." My candidness was usually enough to make them retreat and it saved me from some long drawn out story which may have caused me to become emotional in a public place.

8. Another great tip is to pamper yourself. A day at the hair salon, a massage, a manicure or pedicure. Do things that make you feel cared for and pretty. No doubt you have been neglecting yourself lately. This will do wonders in restoring some self esteem and helping you to remember that you are your first priority. If you don't take care of you no one else will right now.

9. It's bad enough that you are driving yourself mad obsessing about the affair and worrying about all the unknowns of the future of your marriage. Empower yourself, talk to a lawyer or do some research on your rights and what divorce could possibly mean for you. Learn valuable tools that will help protect you in any such event. It doesn't mean you are divorcing but it gives you a little more confidence that you are well prepared if your marriage does fall apart.

10. Last but not least, hug your children. It gives you a feeling of comfort and closeness and them a sense of security. They are not immune to what's going on, no matter what their age is they are aware that something is wrong with Mommy. They have probably sensed that you are sad and preoccupied. Hugging them and cuddling them reminds you that no matter what else is going on, or how bad you are feeling, that you are indeed blessed.

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Comments 7 comments

Crushed 5 years ago

I've been in a relationship for over 5 1/2 yrs which ended on Dec 12, 2011. He told me right up until (the day I found out that he had been cheating in me) Dec 22, 2011 that he loved me, he missed me missed my scent my skin and told me that there was no love like ours, that this only happens once in a lifetime! We had amazing sex, we loved spending time together, talked about our future together and everything that a loving couple does throughout the relationship. The problem that he made it all focused on was that his parents wouldn't accept me because of our age difference. I'm older by 16 yrs. and he made me believe that this was the reason for his distancing in the last few months. Until I discovered the fact that he had been cheating on me for about the last 10 mths of our relationship!! I saw the red flags and questioned him when I saw them but he always had an excuse or story to cover it up!! He told me that he was only friends with her and she was someone he could talk to because he couldn't talk to his family or friends about what he was feeling and that I didn't have anything to worry about. I trusted him and took his word!!?! How could I have been so foolish??! We were in love more than when we first met!! Once I found out I let this other person know that he was playing us both. He made her believe we weren't together and he was still intimate with both of us!!! How could he have fooled us?? What kind of a person does that to someone he's openly admitted to loving and caring for, for 5 1/2 yrs??! This is extremely painful and Excruciating!!! And now that I've told her everything he doesn't want any contact with me because he doesn't want me to run and tell her what he says. It's like he died and I am mourning his loss... Completely! I know I don't deserve to be cheated on and I know I didn't do anything to give him reason to do so but Im still in love with him and feel the need to contact him and be near him!! :'(. I don't know how to get through the days without picturing him intimately with her especially since this happened 2 days before Christmas and tonight is new years eve!! She has already met his family and spent nights there and vice- versa!! It's so torturous!! PLEASE help me!! I need some answers of how and why he's done this! I'm in so much painful heartache that I lose focus and start to think bad thoughts... Help!!!!!

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cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

I am so sorry for your pain. I have been exactly where you are, I know how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone. Time.... Time is the only healer in this situation. I promise you that one day you will see him for who he is and you will love another and be almost glad that he did this to you... Many lessons about yourself will be learned. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk more about this or vent your feelings to someone who understands.

Crushed 4 years ago

Thank you. It's now close to the end of February and yes each day gets better. The only problem I have is still picturing him with her and how he can hold his head up at work when everyone knows what he's done! It still hurts but I'm not in the excruciating pain I was in a couple months ago. I just want to stop missing him. He doesn't deserve that from me. I've been keeping myself busy but as soon as that stops my thoughts are on him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks again

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cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

My suggestion is going to frustrate you because I know how it feels to just want the hurt to end. It's time, time is the only answer to this problem. I promise you that you will wake up one day and it wont hurt anymore and you will be grateful for the lessons and the strength you have gained from the experience. The reason he can hold his head up at work is because he has no concept of right and wrong, if he did he wouldn't have hurt you this way. Cheaters are self righteous people, they only care about their needs. He did you a favor, trust me. You will flourish while he repeats his patterns over and over again. Chin up sweetie!

Crushed 4 years ago

Thank you so much for that!

Crushed 4 years ago

I was feeling like I was really getting over the ex. It's been 4 mths and I've progressed very well I thought, until he decided to flaunt his girlfriend to people in front of me at work! I thot I was going to cry!! Why??? How can he be such an insensitive prick???

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cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Because he is an insensitive jerk, he's selfish and he only cares about number one. Trust me sweetie, his new girlfriend didn't get a better , more improved man. It may hurt but you are much better off and even though it feels like they are flaunting in front of you just remember their day will come. He is still the same cheater you once had, breathe a sigh of relief, he's someones else's problem now. You can't change what they do but you can change how it affects you. You're so much better than that, don't even blink, old news. Work on forgetting him, he's a dirtbag who lacks morals and doesn't respect women.

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