One More Letter to My Love
I’m not sure how this happened, where it all began. One day I saw you in a completely different way. A very beautiful way. That was a long time ago. And for a very long time I didn’t dream that I would hold you in my arms, kiss your beautiful face. Love you with my body.
No matter what happens, you are my one. I know it. And I know it with no reservation of doubt. I love you so that I would give you my next breath as my last if you needed it. I want peace and success and pleasure for you. I have neither claim nor right to be proud of you, but I am. You are so amazing. You are gifted and skilled. You are incredible. Do you know that? Do you know how good you are? I see it.
I have felt closer to you of late. It’s something on the inside. I don’t think I can even explain it. It’s just there. Like something that has always been there, and now it has made its presence known. It’s a good thing.
I was afraid of your rejection for so long. I was afraid that if I said to you “be with me”, and you said no, that you would be forever lost to me. And to me, that was unfathomable. I couldn’t bear that thought. That fear was a “gift” from somewhere else. Not from you. Old ghosts. Damned ghosts. I’ve grown weary of fear. Who would I be if I let that fear go and lived with the abandonment of that kind of restraint? If I just let the fear go and let the love wash over me? Take it and hold it and just thank God for it. Who would I be then? If you knew more about me, about my life, you would understand why I thought that way. You would understand my ghosts. We all have them.
Loving you means presently living my life with few expectations for some of the things that are most important in life. That’s my choice. That is truth. But it’s not what I wanted. It’s what I take. And that is truth too. I love you, and so I settle for a piece of you. To settle is not one of my finer qualities. I never wanted another woman’s husband. It’s what I’m doing, but it’s not who I am. But my truth is also this. My life is better with you than without you. I am a woman in love. I am making a choice. It’s a choice that involves some degree of pain for me. And still I do this. Still because I love you. Because I want you.
I do not want to be the one who always does the asking. That makes me feel like I am begging you, and as much as I want you, I don’t want to beg you. I want you, and you know it. But I need to be wanted too. You made me happy when you asked to see me this past Tuesday. Do you realize the gift that is to me ~ just the fact that you were saying “I want to be with you”? I have often wondered if you think of me much when we are apart. And then you told me how you thought of me that morning. That is very powerful, and that makes me feel good. I realize the limitations that are on us. We don’t do dinner and a movie. We don’t escape to the beach. I don’t fall asleep in your arms every night, and wake up every morning with you in mine (what a beautiful thought). But that doesn’t mean I have to do without everything that a woman needs. I’m not expecting you to read my mind, so I have to say it. So I’m saying it.
God I adore you. Do you know that by now? I know, that’s a real surprise. I don’t care if you know that every piece of my heart that could belong to a man belongs to you. I am not good at playing games. I hate emotional games. So I’m just honest with you. I want you. I do not want another man. I see only you. I hold only you. I give my body to only you. I love only you.
I cannot imagine having lived and not known you. I am so grateful that in spite of the vastness of time, we walked this world together. Thank you for holding me. Thank you for human touch. Thank you for the way your eyes look at me when sometimes ~ at just the right time ~ I hold your gaze.
© 2012 Bella Nina
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To be in the midst of a tormented love affair is to run naked in an endless thunderstorm. It is to be so exposed at your core that you exist on the love alone.