Online Dating: You Can't Argue Your Way Out of Rejection

Take a Deep Breath, Calm Down

I know that I have touched on this subject in past hubs, but I really want to further explore a topic that has become more of an issue for me lately - angry, ranting online daters. You see, online dating should be fun. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of it isn't really fun, but that is pretty unfortunate. There are way too many dudes out there taking online dating way too seriously. Basically, I want to send a message out to all guys out there: you can't argue your way out of rejection!

Yes, I said it! I can't figure out why on earth anyone believes that fighting or insulting a person will change anyone's mind about going out on a date. Gee, I don't know, maybe that is just me, but when you call me a nasty name or demand to know why I haven't called you (and I don't even know you), I just don't feel that attraction to you at all. Hmmm... is the angry approach really working for some of you out there? If so, I want to talk to the women you are dating and encourage them to seek therapy.

I'm Just Trying to Be Nice

First of all, I get a lot of guys sending me random messages on Plenty of Fish or OKCupid. I am not trying to brag. I know I am not the hottest chick or the youngest girl or prettiest woman on the site, but for some reason, I do get plenty of messages. Perhaps it is because I've taken my own advice on putting up happy, smiling profile photos (which all of you should be doing!) or maybe it is just the fact that I am in my 30s, but look much younger and don't have children. Something tells me it is the no children thing.

At any rate, there was a time when I used to respond to each message. Not only was it time consuming, but I found that most guys would get angry if I only sent them a message to say I wasn't interested. So I simply stopped and I now only respond to guys with profiles that interest me. It has spared me from hearing a lot of whining, begging, and rude remarks. However, I still get some nasty messages despite using this technique.

Some guys just won't take no for an answer. Instead, they send message after message after message. This will happen day after day. If I've never once responded to a single message, I just block the guy. Most guys that I reject are usually overly demanding, too perverse, or use the worst grammar I've ever seen. I am not going to deal with any of that. Honestly, I can laugh off most of that. What I can't laugh off is the other type of guy that insults me.

There are some guys that seem interesting at first. I start talking to them a bit to see if there is any chemistry at all. If the guy starts to scare me, comes on too strong, or I just lose interest, I try to find a nice way to reject him. I might just outright say, I don't think this is a good fit, but thanks anyway. Perhaps I will even say something like, "It sounds like you want children, but I don't. I don't see this working." In some cases, I started to talking to Guy A and Guy B at around the same time. I start dating Guy A and think it could really go somewhere. I tell Guy B that I am dating someone else at that point, but it is nothing personal. Guy B can potentially not take it well at all. Turns out, Guy B might have anger issues. Hooray for picking Guy A!

An Argument Won't Get You Anywhere

No matter what way I decide to "let a guy down easy," there is a chance he is going to totally lose it on me. In the last 6 months, I've had a few guys really lose it for no reason. First of all, dudes, if you are using a FREE dating site, I really don't know what you think you are going to get. I am being NICE to you. I am sure there are chicks that are totally rude to you. It is a free site, so stop taking it so seriously. If you think you are meeting your next wife using POF or OKCupid, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It would be nice to meet someone special, but I don't think you should expect it.

I've said it before and I will say it again - it should be FUN! What part of sending me or any other woman insults online makes you think anyone will want to date you now? For all you angry guys out there, stop doing that! You are going to get blocked. Furthermore, that is why you are single! An argument is not going to make any woman say, "Oh gee, he is right. I am being a total jerk today. I am so glad he called me out on it. Can we go out tomorrow night? I can't wait!"

So dudes, calm down and don't verbally abuse women that won't go out with you. I happen to have friends on these sites, too. If I like you, but don't think it will work out, I sometimes forward a cool profile to one of my single friends. See how nice I am? So why don't you appreciate that I am not being rude to you and I am just trying to be nice? If I reject you, please don't cuss me out and then beg for a second chance the next day. Also, please don't call me the "C word." Oh yes, I had that happen to me recently, too. I know in other countries it is not as big of a deal, but in the U.S., the C - - - word is totally not acceptable. It is the nastiest of all the insults to women.

Say It To My Face!

A good general rule with online dating is to send messages to a woman that you would actually say to her face. If you wouldn't have the nerve to say it to my face, then don't send that message either. For that matter, if you would have the nerve to say something rude to my face and walk around insulting people all the time, you might want to reconsider that, too. Perhaps dealing with other human beings is not your thing. It is called anger management - Google it and attend some sessions.

Even if your feelings are hurt, we are all a little hurt at times. I've had guys totally stop writing to me in the middle of a conversation, but I just think, "Oh well. Guess he found someone he liked better." I've sent messages that have gone unanswered. I've had dudes tell me they are just not interested. That is OK with me. That is life! Life isn't always fair. You should have learned that in elementary school. After you get rejected, just move on to the next person. Honestly, some of you really need to look at online dating as a source of entertainment. Stop acting like a free dating site is your life and have fun with it. I am sure you will find more success that way.

Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle

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Comments 14 comments

jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA

So true - every word. I experienced the same thing when I was online dating. I believe that guys who respond this way aren't expecting a date, they're expecting to feel superior and powerful. Too bad they don't realize it just shows a woman that she's dodged a bullet!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

You are so right! I do feel like I dodged the bullet on a couple of guys. Now that I think about it, it does seem like they are the type of guys that need to feel superior. The guys that were nasty to me were all very attractive and seemed pretty in love with their own images. Hmmm... I think we might be on to something. Thanks for sharing!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Online dating was, to say the least, one of the more interesting things I have ever done. There are some true characters out there and they never failed to either amuse me or piss me off, sometimes doing both in one letter. You have my understanding and sympathy.

Great hub; I never get tired of reading your hubs.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thanks so much! I am happy you enjoy my hubs, even if this one was a bit painful to write. I agree with you... I am either amused or pissed off with many of the messages I get. I pretty much use these sites as a form of entertainment and a source for writing inspiration at times, but it might be time to take a break again. When it stops being fun and eventually becomes a chore, I deserve a break. Thanks for reading my hub and thanks for the comment!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Oh Wow! I never even thought of that! ignorant men who can't take a hint and swear at you! now I will never go on one of those sites! lol! either that or I would have a go back! good for you, I hope you find a nice one, and especially one that doesn't call you That word!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Yeah, most of the time things go smoothly on those sites and it can be entertaining. I've hit a rough patch recently. I wouldn't discourage others from using the sites, but it is important to have a sense of humor. It helps not to take it too seriously. Some guys need a sense of humor really bad! :-) Thanks for the comment!


Redberry Sky profile image

Redberry Sky 4 years ago

I've never tried online dating, but like Nell Rose says - Wow! It's just plain STUNNING that some guy would think he can change your mind by arguing with you and throwing insults around! Like you say - that's not what I'd count as fun!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Yes, some guys have major issues. I guess it makes sense for people that lack some basic social skills would turn to online dating instead of meeting anyone in person. Unfortunately, the many normal people using these dating sites have to deal with the creeps until they get banned from the sites. Thanks for checking out my hub!


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA

Thank heavens for "BLOCK" commands!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Exactly! I would not be able to tolerate a dating site that did not have the block function. Thanks for the comment!


nanderson500 profile image

nanderson500 4 years ago from Seattle, WA

I'm on ok cupid too. I definitely agree with your remarks. I've been both the "rejecter" and "rejectee" on there, and I don't take it personally. I also have a date with a woman I met on there on Sunday. And yes it's nice to have a "block" feature on there.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Yeah, I don't get it how so many people take it so personally. People are so easily offended online! Thanks for the comment!


paige2526 3 years ago

I wish I read this article before I signed up at Match.com a few days ago. I've never done online dating before. I'm quite young with only one bittersweet relationship. I always prefer meeting guys in person but I momentarily let myself be convinced to give online dating a try.

Once signed up and being 'fresh meat,' I got an overwhelming amount of messages. In the real world, not responding to emails is considered rude and being the proper kind of person I am, I messaged them back politely thanking them but declining their interest. Oh boy, I got angry messages saying "It's my loss." or "You are boring anyway."

Now, I wish I haven't responded to those messages and the whole experience is turning me off from online dating. Can I really trust the profiles these men put, when they are nice in the initial message but turn right nasty in the next?

Needless to say, I will never ever do online dating again.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 3 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

I am sorry you are having a hard time with online dating. I know exactly what you mean. When you first create a profile, you get hit on by so many guys immediately and many of them can't take no for an answer. That is probably why they are using a dating site in the first place; they lack social skills.

However, there are some really nice guys out there, it just takes a while to weed through them. I met my current boyfriend on Plenty of Fish. That is a free site and I like that better than the paying sites. There are some real creeps on there, too. I've dated so many guys just to get to the nice guy I finally found.

I hope you do not give up on online dating. Just remember those guys do not know you and they just do not know how to handle rejection. If they met you in person, 9 times out of 10, they would never say anything negative. Online dating is such a weird thing! Best of luck to you!

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