Out of Darkness into the Light
Out of Darkness into the Light
I was thirteen when I was raped. No it wasn’t a stranger, it was someone I knew and trusted, as it is with many victims who are raped, they know their rapist. Rape is a silent killer it eats away at ones soul. For years I buried this dirty secret away from myself and my family. Rape stripped me of all power in my life I spent so much of my life, avoiding the issue of rape that it only brought more problems into my life. I had no one to talk to, in the silence of my heart I looked for God only to find that he wasn’t there.
Two years later, I was introduced to a young man, who eventually became my boyfriend. My parents didn’t allow us to date, because they didn’t think he was good enough for me. For two years he showered me with affection, still I never felt good enough inside, to grasp that which he tried to extend to me, his love. Somewhere deep inside of me, I wanted to reach out and cling to him, but the fear that it would not last, kept me at bay.
The day I found out I was pregnant, I could not believe it. I had been taking birth control pills and was very responsible with taking them every day on time. When I told my boyfriend he was excited, he wanted me to have the baby. We told his mother first, and the two of us went to my parents to share the news. I was sixteen at the time my father was devastated while my mother remained calm. Thoughts of motherhood consumed my mind, but I couldn’t see myself as a good mother, so when my mother told me she thought it would be best for me to have an abortion, I accepted it as a sign that perhaps it was the right thing to do. When I told my boyfriend, he pleaded with me not to do it, his mother even offered to raise the baby herself. I told my mother that I wanted to keep the baby, but she decided the abortion was best.
I was twenty-six weeks pregnant, and the only abortion available to me was called a “saline abortion,” which I had done at John Hopkins University. The details of that procedure, is too traumatic to share, and for many years I would feel the effects of it. It wasn’t’ long after the abortion that my boyfriend and I drifted apart he tried to be there for me but I continued to push him away. Feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, and fear, haunted me to the point I heard babies crying. Sometimes it would be so loud it seemed real. Once again I carried this burden on my own. My parents never discussed the abortion it was as it never took place.
I eventually began to drink I needed something to help me ease the pain. I was very good at hiding my feelings, since I was always perceived as being a happy, outgoing, and caring individual. I was told by my grandmother, I was born to serve others, that there was such a joy about me from the moment I arrived into the world. She often shared many stories surrounding my younger childhood, times when they would look for me, only to find me at three years old in the room with my great grandmother, trying to feed and take care of her needs. Then there where the times, my grandmother would go to get an apple out the refrigerator, only to find that I have once again passed out all the apples to the kids outside.
What happen to that joy? Where did it go? My life was so empty, I was so lost and confused. There was no one to talk to, God seemed so far away. I began to smoke marijuana and when that didn’t do the trick, cocaine became my best friend. I chased the dragon on many occasions, trying to get that initial feeling that only comes with the first hit of cocaine. I had become a walking time bomb, by the time I was twenty-one. I stayed inside the clubs, dancing sometimes all night long. One night there was a talent show, without knowing a friend had signed me up to sing. To my surprise I won first place. Eventually I was asked to sing with one of the local bands in the area, which I did.
For a season I found joy in singing, perhaps there is some truth that music is good for the soul. But for me there was no peace. I trusted no one not even myself, for each time I allowed myself to extend kindness I appeared to be my weakness. Sleepless nights, depressive thoughts, and clouds of darkness continued to invade my life. One night it was like the devil himself, stopped by my apartment, and gave me an eight ball of cocaine. I opened the package of powder snorted for awhile, then cooked a few rocks. The only thing I could compare this too was the scene in Scarface, when Al Paccino, snorted until he was so numb that he didn’t feel the bullets ripping through his body. I felt nothing I was void of all consciousness that existed within me.
My life began to spiral down from this point on, I cried out for death, but death passed me by. I had a dream that me and a friend were behind bars. I had always been a dreamer and for the most part that which I dreamed regarding myself or others always came to pass. So when I shared this with my friend, whom on many occasions, witness my dreams being pretty accurate it almost scared us straight. Time continued to move on yet there were those moments when darkness hovered over me so strong that time just seemed to stand still.
I continued along this path for fifteen years or so. When my friend got arrested for being involved with armed robbery and sentenced to seven years in prison, I was reminded about the dream of us being behind bars. Then one night something inside of me cried out for help. I was so tired and weary. I had finally come to the end my journey. It was either going to be life or death. I cried out to God that night this time it was different. I heard a still small voice tell me to turn on the TV. I turned it on and there was a woman sharing the gospel of Christ. The words she spoke had power it was as if they were directed to me. “God loves everyone, even the sinner. There is nothing in your life that God can’t forgive. You who are watching by television, there is a young lady who feels as if she wants to die, but God want you to live. If you surrender right there where you are God will deliver you from cocaine” That word was for me. At that moment I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, and at that very moment God delivered me from cocaine. Immediately I was set free it’s been almost fifteen years. Praise be to God.