Play the Hand You're Dealt
Sometimes people comment on how I’m such a strong, independent woman. Frankly, I amazed that they actually, honestly and truly believe that. They don’t know the truth: that I’m a scared, emotional little cry baby who puts up a pretty good front. I desperately want to hide my need for other people so badly that I have a very convincing façade going.
I know that I’m not the most social person – who am I kidding? I’m not even moderately social. People typically don’t use the words “warm and fuzzy” to describe me. Plus, it’s a well known fact that I tend to work much better with things than I do with people. Even so, I really do like being around people, I need to be around other people.
A great deal of my life is lived in solitude, to the point that it is miserable and borderline depressing. However, there are times when I feel there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I feel that I am destined to spend countless evenings alone, not because I don’t deserve companionship – it just happens to be the reality of my situation.
Though I’ve lived in Illinois for over a decade, I still don’t have what I would consider solid friendships. Sure there are people who call me their friend, but they have “get-togethers at their homes and plan group outings without thinking of me. I used to take offense to that; I shared my feelings with them, hoping to inspire them to think of me the next time, but I was still overlooked. I finally realized that they were treating me the way I presents myself and that strong independent façade I mentioned earlier. People don’t exactly welcome me into their lives because they think I already have tons of things going for me, so I wouldn’t participate anyway.
Every now and again, lonely little me comes up with an idea. One week, I thought, “I’d like to go bowling.” I texted a number of friends, set a date, then changed it because a couple of people couldn’t make it on the original date. I sent evites to some and facebook invites to others (nearly 30 invitations went out in all). Then I waited for the bowling day to approach.
I had a feeling that no one would show up. I can’t explain why, but I just knew it. Despite the feeling that no one would come, I was determined to go bowling, even if I went by myself – and that’s precisely what happened.
I was a little nervous at first. I thought other people at the bowling alley would feel sorry for me or that I would be so embarrassed that I would want to leave the bowling alley ASAP.
Turns out, I had a good time. I mean, I really enjoyed myself so much that I’ll bowl solo again one day.
I realized something that day: I am who I am – a single woman, with a small circle of friends and no family members in the vicinity. I have two choices: 1) shrivel up and become a miserably depressed ghost of a woman or 2) play the hand I was dealt.
I’ve decided to go for option #2. I feel it’s the best way for me to get out there and enjoy life. I know that means I’ll be playing an awful lot of solitaire, but there are tons of ways to play that game.
Next on my agenda is, Broadway in Chicago, speed dating, and maybe I’ll join a dating service or something.
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