Poetry; Dating and the Single Mom

Dating and the single mom

 

I walked in the rain tonight,

Trying to cleanse my mind and my soul.

I was cold.  Empty inside.  Lonely.

 

When one can compare oneself

to a dank, empty cavern;

A cleansing can’t occur.

My energy is too caught up

in the bottomless sorrow

that has instilled itself

in the pit of my stomach.

 

I’m forsaking food

and increasing exercise

in hopes that the hunger that I feel

is simply the confusion that tosses itself around

within the hollows of my body.

 

I’m standing in a hollow.

I welcome the eruptions of mud,

filling around my ankles.

I pray to the rain

to wash my tears away.

I have no where to go

except for home,

where two babes of my flesh

look to me for guidance.

 


How can I be an example to them?

How can I show them what true love is?

I don’t know myself.

I don’t know unconditional love.

At least not given to me.

I have always been the deliverer of such a thing.

Never on the receiving end.

Except for my children.

It spills out of their pores for me.

 

When they are grown and on their own;

Where will I be?

I cannot allow myself to make them my life.

I cannot be theirs either.

We make a life together.

We make a life apart.

 

I wanted a life with him...

Together.

 

I had imagined that I had  found the man

I could call my soul mate.

He in truth, was  a different version from me.

He hadn’t caught up to me

in terms of self-acceptance.

Therefore, I became more of a stress

than a pleasure.

 

We both asked  ourselves questions....

I did..., more likely.

The glimpses and moments

when we are alone and exposing our hearts,

I never questioned whether he was the one.

 


However, when we were separated

I questioned  constantly

whether I was the one

for him.

 

His capacity to love

was so limited.

Love cannot be a temporary fix.

You feel it or you don’t.

If you can shut it off easily,

it truly wasn’t there.

I often wondered how he could so easily turn me off-

as simply as one turns a knob.

 

His touch, his scent, his presence

still stays with me throughout the day.

It’s been months now since we’ve bonded.

I don’t want to forget how I felt in his arms;

But if I’m not in his heart

I want amnesia.

A complete erasing of how

I’d  given my all

to receive for a short time

the feeling that I was loved.

Beyond my body...

Beyond my insecurities...

For I cannot understand why

a person would give up

someone that was so deeply committed to them.

Someone that felt  the beat of his heart

as their own.

Someone that loved him enough

to let him go.

 


And I will...I have to

Let him go;

if that is what he truly wants.

Even if my heart and false hopes

die in the process.

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