Relationships-Do I really want one?

Is it too late to date?

 I remember one day when I was at a seminar for work. I was sitting in the front row, and the speaker was talking about the balance of life. I was very interested in the diagram she had drawn, and the sections that show a healthy balanced lifestyle. I was thinking in my head and soon the words had come out of my mouth. I said something to the effect that my life had no balance. If I remember correctly, part of the circle was for work, and another part was for relationships, it was all suppose to equal to a balanced life. My circle, if it was in a visual sense would be empty. At this point in my life I have no work, I have not had a relationship in 6 years, most of my long time friends have passed away, and my best friend and companion, Timmy died from the poison dog food from China. I have learned that you truly experienced being alone when your kids are grown and on their own. The first year, is probably the hardest to cope with, and you have your pets to keep you company. By the sixth year, you like being alone. It only bothers me on my birthday and holidays. I like my space, I like to travel when I feel like it and answer to no one. Is that being selfish? Could I share my space with the right person? Who is the right person? How would you even attempt to find a Mr. Right? I looked at Internet dating, and I was not impressed with the men on the sites. How would you really know who is hiding behind the keyboard? I do not really drink and I do not like bars.  I should go to church and I have been thinking about finding a church in the area. I always felt that my time was better spent making money. Since my divorce I have lost my drive and killer instinct. My kids notice the changes and make remarks and recommendations. So I was wondering if by 57 is it too late to learn how to date? Most men are not appealing to me. They are lacking the "it" factor. I have only seen a few men that caught my eye and usually they are taken, or married. I think I scare men because I am so independent, and I am not insecure or jealous by nature. I am really going to have to work on myself to fill my circle. I changed my hair color again. I need to loose more weight to make myself feel happy. I need to find a job that will bring me joy.I would be a good catch, if I wanted to be caught. Maybe small baby steps. I have trust issues, that is for sure. Maybe I need a complete overhaul in mind and body. It is very bad when the only emotion you can feel is fear. I think I have been hiding behind the weight. The general population of men do not attract to slightly over weight women. I have been using the weight to keep men at a distance. To prevent myself from feeling or being hurt. The true fact is that I know why I am doing it, and it does hurt me to do it to myself. It is almost like when in high school and they are choosing teams for basketball and you are always the last one picked. Or you are never asked out to the prom. Then 10 years later when you go to your high school reunion, no one knows who you are, because you have become so pretty, so confident and poised that it throws them all off balance. I realize that nothing will change unless I change it for myself. But it still leaves the question, where do youstart to find a suitable date? I always use to ask people the question , so how did you meet? Some say the Internet dating, but I do not see that as possible. I know I need to get rid of all the past love ghosts that keep haunting my memory. Why do I have the need to go backwards to the familiar? I lost two men that I really loved, and It was my fault. Perhaps that is why I am afraid. There must have been a inner feeling with both of them, a caution flag that caused me to bolt and end the relationships. The time has come, that I need to move forward, take risks and open my heart for the possibility of love. I will work on that tomorrow.

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