Relationships: The Reason Why Men Don't Bend Over Backwards to Please Women...

Recently I stumbled onto an article titled "What men need to know about what women want." In the blog the female writer discusses the differences between articles featured in (women’s magazines) as opposed to those in (men’s magazines). She observed there were thousands of articles written for women geared towards giving them an insight to men, attracting them, getting them to commit, hidden meanings to what he says or doesn’t say.

On the other hand she found few articles written for men offering insight into women.

She pondered the question: Does society make women seem needy when it comes to men? The question was supported by the various articles written for women to find a man, please a man, and make a man happy. In her view there is less emphasis made to get the word out to men about what they should know and figure out about women.

Society & The Double Standard

Before I address this issue I want to make it perfectly clear that what I’m about to share with you is merely my observation. Nor would I say all men and women think this way.

The definition of a "double standard" is BOTH sexes agree on something. When we say "society" portrays women a certain way it means both sexes are in agreement. One very common example of this is how we/society think of a woman who has had several sex partners versus what we think of a man who has done the same. Women look down on the woman and men look down on her. (Double Standard) When it comes to the man: Women look down on him and men admire him. (Single Standard).

It makes you wonder what would happen if women stuck together and didn’t look down on the woman who had several sex partners. I discussed this in more detail in my hub: “A woman asks: Is there anything wrong with just wanting to get laid?” A double standard can only exists if both sexes feel the same way about something.

Another example of the double standard is domestic violence.

We as a society frown upon men who hit women while winking or laughing when a woman hits a man. When I wrote the article, “Is it ok for a woman to hit a man?” There were women that said "yes": (If he deserves it, if he’s cheating, if he says something that offends her….etc)

By contrast we say, “A man should NEVER lay his hands on a woman in a violent way.” Both sexes agree with this one and therefore it’s a (Double Standard)

Tradition & Gender Grooming

Little girls are encouraged to dream of being "princesses" when they grow up.The closest thing to that in America is being (the bride) on her wedding day. They’re also given toys such as baby dolls to act as mothers or Easy Bake Ovens to make cakes and pies, as well as other dolls to dress up, use makeup, comb hair, and so forth. The emphasis is on “looking good” and “nurturing”.

Little boys on the other hand dream of careers as cops, firemen, construction workers, doctors, military officers, or magicians. When they aren't pretending to be "working" then they are "driving" using remote cars, trucks, and planes...etc (No little boy is dreaming of being “the groom" or raising kids!) The emphasis is on “financial security” and “taking charge”.

Subconsciously when children grow up the majority will want to fulfill their childhood fantasy on some level.Things are the way they are because that is how the majority of us want it. I don't see mothers in the near future buying (their sons) baby dolls and baking ovens to play with nor do I see fathers giving their daughters guns, or remote helicopters to fly.As long as we desire for boys and girls to “behave differently” from one another it is unrealistic to expect them to have the same interest, think, talk, and feel the same way about life in general.

People read articles or purchase books on subjects that interest them.

The reason why there are so few articles written for men to learn how to please women, get a girlfriend to commit, or make women happy is because most men don’t consider it to be a “ top priority”.

Magazine and book publishers publish what they do because they believe it will sell. The reason why there are so many books and articles on relationships geared towards women is because women buy and read them! There is no “hidden agenda” or “conspiracy" on the part of publishers or society. People go into business to make money! If women didn't read or buy this material it would not be published.

Do Men Care About What Women Think?

Men are more interested in winning the admiration and respect of (other men.)

Women tend to be attracted to the man who commands the respect of other men.

A man believes if (other men) “worship/admire” him he’ll have his choice of women! In the minds of many men women are the equivalent of “perks” or the “gravy” that comes with success. Men are more likely to buy a “How to get rich book” than a “How to be happily married book.”

The One Exception

Although men don’t feel the "need" to study female behavior or gain understanding to “attract women” there are times when they are willing to try harder. The majority of men don't start to think about ways to "please women or make them happy" until they see (the woman they’re in love with) is unhappy in the relationship.

A woman has to win a man’s heart in order to gain his “mind share”.

Men and women are always going to view the world differently. There is room to debate whether it's because of how we as society raise them or if it is coded in their DNA. One thing is for certain frustration and disappointment are likely to occur when a woman expects a man to think like she does or vice versa.

“Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.” ~ Leo Buscaglia

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Comments 16 comments

cathylynn99 profile image

cathylynn99 5 years ago from northeastern US

i had a chemistry kit, a guitar, and mini racing cars in addition to dolls. i grew up to become a doctor. many girls don't fit your stereotype. your assumptions may have been true in the 50's, but don't allow for a wide variety of individual differences which are nurtured today.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

cathylynn99, You make a very good point. No way am I stating this article covers everyone's childhood! The intent of this hub was to offer one "explanation" to why a large segment of men don't read books, magazines, or purchase materials to enrich their relationships with women. (generally speaking).

Having said that I'm sure you will agree that toy stores do offer what they consider to be "boys" and "girls" toys just as department stores would carrry mens and womens clothes. I'm simply pointing out as a society we have always offered "gender targeted" products.

Even though we're in the 2000s I don't believe too many parents are buying dolls and Easy Bake ovens for their "boys"! It's far more likely that a girl would be given a chemistry set. Whether we agree or not there is usually (some truth) in a "sterotype" in order for it to even exist. Thanks for your comment!


SubmissionWork profile image

SubmissionWork 5 years ago from India

I know one thing ... when your women is happy than you will have totally different world and when she is not ... than you will know about the hell.

As far as my knowledge about women ... they do not want your whole day ... they just wants few minutes or few seconds of your 24 hrs.

They (women) do not want to have long talk ... they just want to hear one or two compliments about them may be of few words ... just tell them that dinner is really delicious and you will see next day your favourite dish is serving ...

What do you think ?


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

SubmissionWork, Thanks for your comment.

Personally I believe that women vary in their needs and wants just as much as men do. One of the keys to happiness in any relationship is finding someone who appreciates you for you. The more a person can be their "authentic self" with someone the less likely they'll hear,"You are not the same person I fell in love with....etc" However I do believe the more a person loves and care for their mate the more natural it is to want to see them happy. What some may call "work" becomes "a labor of love". There's a big difference between (wanting to do something) and feeling like you "have" to do something."


Beyond-Politics profile image

Beyond-Politics 5 years ago from The Known Universe (beyond.the.spectrum@gmail.com)

At the risk of sounding "bitter," I think it takes too much to "please" (as if such a thing were even possible) a woman nowadays. They're too easily "bored," have too much of a sense of fantasy, and are only interested in what another woman has in relation to themselves as individuals.

And you want to talk about double standards? How about the one that frowns on men who fraternize/mess around with teenage girls, but yet one of the favorite sexual fantasies of adults (that women seem to gladly indulge) is dressing up like a school girl in the bedroom to turn a man on sexually. This sends a mixed-message socially: "Little girls/teenage girls are "innocent" and off-limits...as long as we're not pretending to be one as adults to turn each other on sexually.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Beyond-Politics, Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment. I suppose each of us has some bitterness in us. :-)

You are right there are loads of “double standards” but as I point out they only exists when both sexes agree.

If the vast majority of men were “repulsed” by women dressing up like teenage Catholic school girls I believe a lot of them would not purchase those costumes. The author that wrote the article which led to me writing this hub is correct when she said there are far more books, magazines, and articles geared toward women to offer them tips as to (a) Find/Attract a man. (b) Please a man. And (c) Keep a man. While a large segment of women won’t admit that they go through the plastic surgeries, buy lotions and creams that promise eternal youth in order to attract men…. I’m willing to bet if tomorrow men were falling madly in love with flat chested, flat behinds, and older looking women… You’d see a sudden change in the marketplace! Ha ha ha

Most of us do what we think needs to be done to thought of as attractive or sexy to people we want to get involved with. Men seek out wealth, fame, and power to attract a mate.


smith624 profile image

smith624 5 years ago from Raceland, louisiana

Nice hub. I do understand what you're talking about. cathylynn99 stated that this may have been true in the 50's. It was. But it still is today. It is simply an individual thing. I am only 40years old, and every woman that I am surrounded with has been raised with dolls and easy bake ovens. In fact, after her first oven broke, the following Christmas my wife asked for and got another one. And as far as men reading magazines about relationships, you're right. Most of them think that's for women to do. And why not? As you said, the majority of them out there are geared toward women fixing themselves. You don't often find one that tells a man how to fix himself. The bottom line is that the men in our society as a whole will never bend over backwards for a woman unless more fathers teach this behavior to their sons, and at the same time more women stop bending over backwards for the men.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

smith624, Thank you for your insightful comment and observations from your generation. I really do believe publishers are in business to (make money) rather than educate for the most part. If men purchased books, dvds, and signed up for relationship workshops in the same numbers as women there would be just as many articles, magazines, and books geared towards men. The following line in your comment, "You don't often find one that tells a man how to FIX himself" is very true. We don't see men being sold "youth creams, butt implants, or high doses of weight reduction products. We are pretty much left alone by the marketing machine to go on "believing" (we are fine just the way we are). There is no "hidden agenda" in my opinion. Whenever something "sells" we tend to see more of it produced.

It's good to see I'm not a "lone voice" in my observation. :-)


RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler 4 years ago from Illinois

Right off the bat, your definition of "double standard is completely bogus. A double standard means the rule, or "standard" applies to one gender one way (he's a stud) but not the same way to the other gender (she's a slut, for doing the same behaviors).


RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler 4 years ago from Illinois

I'm going to write a hub in response to this one because I disagreed with basically everything past the first paragraph. Also, before you give me the old "you're just a bitter single girl" line, note that I have a boyfriend and he does respect me and he did stop being such an asshole like he was in high school, so I know it can be accomplished.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

RachaelLefler, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment. I agree with you regarding that "standard" means (the rule). Where we disagree is with what the word "double" means. I say it means (both genders agree) on something.

The bulk of this hub is written to (explain) how a lot of (men) think. Therefore it is no surprise that you being a woman would not agree with it. Besides the obivious gender differences between men/women and boys/girls, our society also raises them differently and has different expectations of them. My hub points out just one facet of this by the types of toys we give them.

Last but not least I don't know you well enough to consider you to be "a bitter single girl". As I stated earlier this hub was written to explain why (men)tend not to bend over backwards in relationships. I'm not sure if (a woman) such as yourself is in a position to say what and how a man thinks. However I do accept the fact that each of us is entitled to have our own opinion. As I noted in the hub it is women who purchase the majority of relationship advice books. One study I read stated 75% of all relationship books are purchased by women. That statistic alone would illustrate a gender difference regarding interest in relationship books and articles as well as explain why these publishers target women as their readers/customers. It's about profits.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 4 years ago from Upstate New York

Dashing, I'm really with Rachael on this one. I don't think you understand what we're saying here, and you do tend to reinforce every fallacious and inaccurate sterotype of women vs. men in this article.

There's really only one point that you and I absolutely agree on, and I'm glad you pointed this out: women SHOULD NOT hit men any more than men should be allowed to hit women. Neither one should be whaling away on the other, right? You pointed out that most people just chuckle, sort of, when the topic comes up of a woman hitting a man. Listen: it isn't fair. The guy really should not hit back.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

Paradise7, Thanks for your comment.

However I think this hub is being misinterpreted! Imagine someone asking you why the sky is blue and then you offer up (an explanation) of why you think it is.

This hub in no way condones the behavior nor seeks to defend it. Someone asked: Why is it that men don't bend over backwards to please women? The question (Assumes This is a Fact) My hub offers up (one explanation).

What would have been more on point is if RachaelLefler had offered (her own explanation) of (Why men don't bend over backwards...etc) She took the hub out of context and acted as though it was some statement saying I believe this is the way it should be! Maybe she just disagrees with the (assumption) and believes that most men do bend overbackwards for women!

At any rate this hub is just offerring (one explanation) of why things are the way they are. Maybe I should have ended it with the question, "Why do YOU think men don't bend over backwards for women in relationships?"


Kebennett1 profile image

Kebennett1 4 years ago from San Bernardino County, California

dashingscorpio, Although your definition of double standard may be incorrect, I understand what you mean and in many cases what you say is true. Shocking right, you finally found a female willing to agree with you :) I think your getting a raw deal from women who MAY NOT have read this hub with an open mind and MAY NOT have looked at the world of sexes realistically. It is very true that a greater percentage of parents buy their male children toys that are designed for males and their female children toys that are designed for females. It is true that a large percent of men do things to get acceptance from other men. My husband shares a lot of his insight with me. Guys want to look good to other guys, just as women want to look good to other women. Come on, it is in our jeans. That is what working out, dressing fashionable, and having great hair is all about! Girls and guys will both do almost anything to be popular with their own sexes. With guys getting the girl comes next, but hey it is true of women too if you really think about it! It is very true that magazines and the like are divided by the sexes. Men are wooed one way (usually through a sexual ad) and women another, generally by style and appearance. Most men would rather read Popular Mechanics than Redbook or Allure any day! Popular Mechanics will have ads in the back all about penis size and staying power, and building muscles. Redbook talks about relationships, better sex and style! I have found that if a man is himself, confident and willing to give a relationship a go, generally he will be more than willing to bend over backwards if necessary to make a relationship work--women do! It takes both sexes to make it work in the end anyway! Great hub and I for one appreciated that you stayed confident and respectful while being hassled for your opinion!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

Kebennett1, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment! Finally someone understands that I was not trying to "defend" a mindset but rather explain one. This whole idea came about when a woman asked, "Why do men not bend over backwards to please women in relationships the way women do?"

Instead of getting comments from others to (explain) why (they) think men don't bend overbackwads I got attacked for stating why I believe it is this way. Oh well, that's life! LOL. Thanks again for your comment and understanding my point!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

jrobien , Thanks for your comment.

It's funny you mentioned how men change because they always talk about how women change after getting married. When they dated she'd make him something to eat. After they got married she said; "You got two hands fix it yourself!" LOL!

Truth be told both genders are guilty of trying to "impress" each other at the start of a relationship. It's not until there is a commitment or emotional investment that they reveal their authentic selves.

Women do initiate divorces but oftentimes it's because men cheat.

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