My Roommate Rants: Insecurities in Women

The female mind. It is incredible, brilliant, fascinating, and I haven't the slightest clue what is going on up there! First of all, women remember everything and when I say everything, I mean they can recall the slightest little gesture and response that comes out of your mouth (you being the man). Furthermore, they proceed to analyze all of these little gestures and comments, and expect you to understand where they are coming from and for you to act accordingly. Of course, I'm generalizing and falling into gender stereotypes here. I realize that not every woman thinks and reacts in this manner (although I'm convinced that this syndrome, for lack of a better word, is embedded somewhere deep in that extra X chromosome of theirs). Regardless of the reason, some women tend to take this analysis quite literally and then are either offended or hurt by what the man said. From my own experience, I can say that most men do not intend to humiliate the woman, in fact, most times they are trying to be funny.

My roommate fell victim to this very scenario the other day, and voila, a roommate rant is born. Let's dive in!

The day was St. Patrick's Day, of all days, and my roommate was working a shift at a restaurant called Sticky Fingers.

For those who don't know the serving industry, it's an odd and crazy world and they must find ways to amuse themselves to avoid going absolutely insane. They do a variety of things to keep the 'flow' going such as play pranks, make funny gestures, be outrageously nice to customers (by the way, if the server sounds like they are being sarcastic to you, they probably are! Because no matter what you may say, no matter how original you think you are, chances are they have heard it and heard it may times) and they also insult each other.

My roommate happens to love the crazy insult, the ultimate diss, and saying the most horrific nasty things. Honestly, some of what comes out of his mouth is messed up but has you literally rolling all over that floor (ROFL), laughing your merry head off along the way. He doesn't hold back, he lets it all out, full blast and he doesn't care about gender, race, age, or whatever. Nobody takes him seriously until he hits...the soft spot.

Gentlemen (and ladies) I think you know exactly what the soft spot is. The spot that every woman holds deep within them, and if you hit it...it's over.

Flashback:

One of the female servers is jiving back and forth with my roommate, laughing and cracking jokes all night. He says some messed up stuff and she counters him with how bad his game is both on and off the court (they play the occasional tennis match together). She berates him with a number of insults calling him a worthless bum, scumbag, and the bottom of this the fish barrel or something to that effect.

Then my roommate says it...hits the spot.

He says, "Well, you should do something about that growth on your upper lip. It's growing in kinda heavy there."

She stops in her tracks and sits down in the booth next to her. The waitress says nothing and then starts tearing up. She places her head in her arms. My roommate tries to console her, flowering her with compliments and apologies, but the damage is already done. She is humiliated, devastated and there is nothing he can do about it. She doesn't talk to him for the rest of the night (or since).

Again, I must point out (for my roommates' sake), that she said things that were just as vile and insensitive as the quoted insult above.

The rant begins. My roommate approaches me with a complaint and he starts off slow and a little whiny.

Roommate says, "I don't get it. Why can't women just be cool, you know? They can be cool as a cat one minute, and then if you hit that nerve, they crumble. They get all sensitive and self-loathing. I just don't get it."

He doesn't give me a chance for a rebuttal, so I just listen.

He continues, "Why can't they be more like guys? You can BS with them, say some "F'ed" up things, and the guy will be just fine. He might throw some things back at ya but that's to be expected. Chicks are different. They'll laugh their butt off when it isn't about them, but the moment you say something that threatens their inner psyche it's like a time bomb...And they either explode or implode on you."

I nod in agreement, although the simplicity of his statement is a little crude and obnoxious.

He roars on, "She [the female he insulted] lost cool points."

I say, "Cool points?"

He nods, "Ya, cool points. In my book, every chick has a certain about of 'man' cool points based on what they do and how they react. Like if they come back at me with a joke or insult after I say something, they get some points. If they are laid back and they don't act like a total (you know what) then they get points. If they just act like a normal person and don't get caught up in their overanalyzes of what you said, then they get cool points...She lost some cool points today."

The rant roars on, "Whatever, I'm done with this! For now on I'm not saying a word to them. I'll just serve my customers and that is that. I hate that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I hate it!"

I think it is obvious that he is a little mad and frustrated. I know there have been plenty of times where I had to stick my own foot in my mouth because I supposedly said the wrong thing to a woman. I believe my roommate is right and wrong. Also, I know that if you say the wrong thing to a guy, he'll either punch you or laugh right along with you (usually the latter). On the contrary, if you say the wrong thing to a woman, you'll be apologizing for hours, sometimes days and weeks depending on the severity of the insensitive comment. In short, men and women differences are just that: completely different in almost every way. The best way to solve the issue is to avoid each other at all costs! We have to because I don't think one gender is going to budge on way or another!

In the end, women might just be insane.