SAD CONFESSION: "I" Would Have Made A Horrible Gigolo"

This is Richard Gere

Best known for his film, "American Gigolo," that dealt with a guy being "on-call" for pretty girls 24/7.
Best known for his film, "American Gigolo," that dealt with a guy being "on-call" for pretty girls 24/7. | Source

Right now, I am faced with a terrible personal dilemma. I am enduring much personal torture comparing myself against film star, Richard Gere, who added to his fame by starring a monster film named, "American Gigolo."

You all remember this flick, so really, there isn't any reason for me to go into elaboate detail explaining what you already know because I realize that you all have lives to live.

Why Richard Gere is so crucial to my story is that "I" am mentally-torturing myself by comparing how it would have been for me to be a real-life gigolo just like Gere's film that was famous in 1980.

At first thought, all single men at ages ranging from sixteen to twenty, when they just hear the word, "gigolo," their mouths fly-open, drool starts pouring out on their shirts while their minds and judgement turn into Jell-O. Probably grape flavor.

Being a gigolo to uneducated guys only means being with hot girls every night of the week, lavish gifts, being escorted to fine eateries by the same gorgeous ladies, and being showered by expensive clothes, cars, and jewels.

Some life, huh, guys? You better know it's some kind of life. But is that all you know is just the outside of the picture?

Are you really aware of what all is involved with being a professional-gigolo? Guess what? If you have set your bar low, the same amount of preparation also goes into being an average gigolo.

For those in my readership who do not know that "gigolo," the word, means, it stands for an occupation for fitting-men who make a great living just making pretty women happy--doing whatever they ask, at any time of the day or night.

"A kept man," is more fitting to describe this loving-occupation. Well, "occupation," is not the right word. "Job" is more like it. A job that if the man is dedicated enough, he will retire happy and wealthy. With a ton of great memories.

There might be a few of you guys who are ready to blurt-out, "a gigolo? Hey, man! That's the job for me! I am going to quit my job on the oil rig and see whom I have to get this job tomorrow."

Good luck with that is all I can say, for being a gigolo means getting yourself established as a professional gigolo is the first thing you do. And the way that I figure it, you only need to satisfy one, maybe two, rich ladies, and hey, the word-of-mouth advertising will take care of the rest.

That part would have been easy for me since I adore women so much.

But there is a lot more to being a gigolo. A whole lot more.

And that's why I named this story, "I Would Have Made A Horrible Gigolo."

IN ORDER FOR "ME" TO BE A SUCCESSFUL GIGOLO , IT WOULD REQUIRE ME TO . . .

BE AVAILABLE AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY OR NIGHT

to go to some ravishing woman's six-million dollar home and spend some time with her to the tune of $10,000, cash, check or debit card. Why this "goes against my grain," is because I love my sleep way too much to "not" have a bedtime just for me. I've stayed up for as long as four days and nights at the newspaper where I was formerly-employed as we were working on a huge special section for a hospital expansion, and that is murder, guys. Pure murder. If you love losing sleep, then by all means, "go for it." Be a gigolo.

GETTING MY TEETH CLEANED BY A DENTIST ONCE A MONTH

and this isn't "my cup of tea." I personally have nothing against dentists, but it's the making the appointment, showing-up and waiting for hours and then having to fork-out my hard-earned money for whiter teeth simply because one of my beautiful women clients wants my teeth as white as those of George Clooney. I say, "take me as I am, or not at all." My teeth is my own business. Not those of a woman who says she is in charge of my teeth.

BEING A MEMBER OF THE LOCAL GYM

for a weekly-work out. Oh yeah, "Julie," loves hard, washboard abs, pecs, and other muscle names. I hate gyms. I hate the aroma of male perspiration. And some personal trainer named, "Lukie," yelling at me through a bull horn to "work it, buddy," and other stupid motivational phrases. If a lady client isn't satisfied with my company and love-making skills without noticing that I am few pounds overweight, then so long, babe. I got to have my Butterfinger candy bars and McDonald's Whopper's at various times of the week.

LET'S TAKE A VOTE, GUYS

Would YOU Really Want To Be A Gigolo?

See results without voting

More about Richard Gere

This Guy - - -Take A Good Look At Him

would NOT make a good gigolo.
would NOT make a good gigolo. | Source

HAVING TO WEAR TIGHT-FITTING DESIGNER JEANS

because one of my spoiled women clients love to have role play and me as John Travolta, starring in "Urban Cowboy," when I am called to her expensive, security-controlled houseboat in Malibu. Hey, I love worn-out Faded Glory jeans. Learn to love it.

BEING FORCED TO IGNORE THE AGE-DIFFERENCE

in "Jacqueline," the 77-year-old, wealthy widow of a highly-successful oil baron in Omaha. Now, looking past her sagging body is one thing, but actually flirting with her and nibbling of her wrinkled neck, well, I just have a certain boundary that I will not and cannot cross. I do have some principles.

BEING ABLE TO "COOK-UP" SMALL TALK

right before I retire from an 18-hour day of gigoloing. Yes, it would be my luck that the last gal, "Sylvia," would have a sudden-urge for some long-distance "pillow talk," at 3 a.m. and she hits me up for some whispering and it's all I can do to keep my eyelids from closing. Talk about work. Buddies, this is harder work than paving a road in Fulton County, Georgia, in mid-August. And as for small-talk, all I got is, "huh? Yeah, you are one hot lady," "do what? Oh, zzzzzzzz, sorry. Here's my Alan Alda impression . . .zzzzzz"

ALWAYS HAVING TO PERFORM NO MATTER WHAT

the circumstances may hold. Let's imagine that a new lady client, "Judy," is a 22-year-old single woman who loves to spend her daddy's money, but one problem: "Judy" is a nymphomaniac who pays me $500.00 an hour in cash for my "marathon romance skills." As in the point made in above item, this is tough work. If I can hold-out for say, two hours, impressing "Judy," with my fluid moves and then ten minutes later, a "you ready?" comes from her pouting lips and I would have to say, "girl, find yourself a machine, for I am only a man," and vanish.

OH, TALK ABOUT TORMENT, HAVING TO PRETEND

that "Judy's" best friend, "Maxine," a 30-year-old divorcee who has secured half of her pro-athlete's fortune, but she is 55 pounds overweight, well, that would be like waking up in the lowest realm of Hades. I mean, I am, at heart, a realist. And rather than hurt "Maxine's" feelings, I would make-up some easy excuse and not take her money. You see, guys, how much a pro-gigolo has to contend with?


AND THE "MAIN" REASON THAT "I" WOULD BE A HORRIBLE GIGOLO

is that if Pam, my wife, ever found out, well, there would go my newly-found part-time job as well as my life.

What about you?

This Gorgeous Woman

is typical of the ladies that gigolo's have to please on a regular basis for lavish gifts.
is typical of the ladies that gigolo's have to please on a regular basis for lavish gifts. | Source

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Comments 26 comments

writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

You left me snickering, my friend. Although, I have to admit, it looks like there's a lot of work and effort just to be a gigolo. So, I, too, will say 'good luck' to those wanna-be's out there. :) I think my alternate persona (aka Wonder Woman) would step all over those wanna-be's anyway. Personally, I think she would take Dull Man over a gigolo. :)


Mhatter99 profile image

Mhatter99 3 years ago from San Francisco

Thank you for this. I knew a real gigolo, Francis Baker. He made his livelihood off of women. He was finally bought up by a woman who locked him up in her family estate in Spain.


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 3 years ago from Riga, Latvia

A wonderful and amusing look at the world of gigolos. I do think I've met at least two in my life and didn't like either one. Passing this on.


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Interesting to have learned more about gigolos, I am glad I stopped by here.


livingsta profile image

livingsta 3 years ago from United Kingdom

Hi Kenneth,

That was funny and at the same time some realistic facts. Thank you for sharing this. It did make me laugh!!!


J.S.Matthew profile image

J.S.Matthew 3 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

I was a gigolo once in a dream. Then my mom woke me up and I remembered that I was just me. Crap! Anyway, haven't seen you in a while and wanted to say hello. Hello. Keep on writing my dear friend. I need to laugh once in a while...

JSMatthew~


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 3 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

No Kenneth, you would not have made a good gigolo! Like you, I think the work would be displeasing to say the least. A funny hub as usual, my friend.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 3 years ago from the South

Another funny hub from one of my favorite writers! You're right though, it takes a lot of work to be a good one, I'm sure, and no sense of shame. Thanks for the laugh today!


lupine profile image

lupine 3 years ago from Southern California (USA)

Kenneth, you really know how to write funny and entertaining hubs. One more thing, did you notice how much Richard Gere looks like Jerry Springer in the picture above? He's got nothing on you, my friend.


Sueswan 3 years ago

Dearest Kenneth,

LMAO!!! If I was a rich and beautiful and you weren't married, I would hire your for your awesome sense of humor. Oh Kenneth darling! Tell me one more joke. ;-)

I hope you are doing well my friend. :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, writinglover,

Thank you, my dear friend, for the wonderful comment. If "I" were a professional gigolo and Wonder Woman, errr, I mean, you, were to, uhhh, ask me for an evening of my company, I promise that I would be a real "super" man, and not a gigolo wannabe.

You have my word on it.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

MHatter99,

A real gigolo? Wow, I bet that was an experience in just meeting him. Rats! I wish you had copied down his trade secrets then you could have emailed them to me. Uhh, not that I needed them.

Thank you, man, for your kind comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Gypsy Rose Lee,

Thank you for your visit. And based on your ratio, not liking the two gigolo's you did meet, would "I" be that 1 out of 3 that you WOULD have liked?

I ask because I am taking a "Kenneth's Gigolo Popularity Poll," to gather info on whether or not to go into this work.

Thanks, my friend.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, DDE,

And I am more-than-glad that YOU stopped by here. Anytime you visit with me, makes me glad.

Thanks!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Dear Livingsta,

Thanks so very much for reading and commenting on this "documentary of print," that deals with the dark secret of gigolo's. Actually, there is way too much work for me to do in maintaining a perfect body, clothes, apartment, etc., medical visits to make sure I don't have any STD's--this is a tough job, this gigolo gig.

So I am going to be content to be a hermit.

Love ya, Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey now, J.S. Matthew,

Long time, no you! Thanks for dropping by. Today we have a sale on, wait a minute. That's what I say at my other job: an announcer at TARGET. Just kidding. This is way more fun.

Thanks for making my day complete. It has been a while. Glad to see that you are still in the hub game.

Stop by anytime and we will have "virtual coffee."

Deal?

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Evening, picklesandrufus,

Thank you for the sweet compliment. Knowing me, I would go out of my way to please each female client to the point of her complaining to the Labor Board that I was "too nice," when she wanted a burly guy who loved to take charge of the ladies like an old fashioned pirate.

Harrrr!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy,

Thank you for your warm remark. And I think that of you as a writer as well as my followers. You are all great writers. You all make my hubs wilt with shame. I am serious.

And as for the gigolo thing, no thanks. I like ME the way I am.

Talk to you soon.

Kenneth and Festus, who IS my first cat gigolo.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear lupine,

First off, thank you so much for your sweet comment on this hub. Secondly, I didn't notice that Gere looks like Springer, but you are correct. And thirdly . . .WOW! I appreciate that last part so much. My ego needed a lift.

God bless you!!!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Susan,

Thank you very much for your candor and warm words. I get confidence from your comments.

And the last part . . .I would be there on a leer jet in a moment's notice. For half price.

I would be a great "bargain gigolo," but what would Harry, your Yellow Cab driver say about me calling on you?

Just asking. But thanks for thinking of me as a man.


lupine profile image

lupine 3 years ago from Southern California (USA)

Kenneth, so glad you are back to business!


J.S.Matthew profile image

J.S.Matthew 3 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

That's a Deal Kenneth! It has been too long. I was on Hiatus for a while...computer died...moved and stuff. Generally busy but not on HubPages. But here I am. Nice to catch up. Keep us laughing...

JSMatthew~


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, lupine,

yes, ma'am. Back in business, burning my modem with sometimes-controversial-but-sensible laughs and maybe a dram of drama here and there.

Thank you always, for your nice words.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, JSMatthew,

No one is happier than I that you are back in action. I wondered why HubPages had kinda "went south," for a while. It was all because YOU were having issues on the old PC.

I speak for myself and all on Hubs, "welcome back!"

And thanks for this and all of your comments.


swilliams profile image

swilliams 2 years ago from Arizona

I am so happy that you respect your wife Pam! You have some great reasons! Voted Funny!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sw,

Thank you for the sweet remark. I do respect Pam as I respect all women I know and those I do not.

Women are wonderful creations of God, so when men abuse women, they are irritating God and the jerks who abuse females DO NOT want His wrath.

Thanks for the visit.

Your friend, Kenneth

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