Sacred Romance or Is My Head Stuck In the Clouds
Is It Worth It?
I remember standing in the hallway under the chandelier, feeling nervous and definitely recalling the feeling of "butterflies" which I had not experienced in ages. The man who had become my friend and confidante over the past two years now looked at me in a totally different way. His gaze held desire and need. I'm not sure what my gaze returned but if it was a reflection of the way I felt it at that precise moment it would be fear/curiosity/desire/need/sacred all wrapped into one. It took about 10-seconds for his arms to encircle me and less than that for me to return the same embrace myself. What was going through my head? This is not a normal occurrence..I have four children, a huge mortgage, bills to pay, more than a full time job and...a husband. Apparently, all of that just evaporated. I should back up here and tell you the circumstances that brought me to this place in my life, but that's a very long story for another day, another blog or several...needless to say my journey the past two years was troubled, hurt, and all of that was imposed by my spouse.
Back to the moment...I pulled back ever so slightly so as not to break this embrace that was life-giving to my soul..mere inches apart and what seemed the most natural thing in the world, our lips met..softly, tenderly, passionately, as if the world just melted away in the distance and all that was left was me and this man to whom my affections were now directed and whose affections were directed toward me...After what seemed like a lifetime of kissing my senses must have returned and we stepped back. "I love my wife" he said. I couldn't move, my heart felt like a wedge had driven through me. "I know" I lied. "It's just that, for years she has had no interest in me sexually." "I can't leave my family." As he made these comments, I can't say I was totally surprised. How do you expect someone to profess undying love like a sacred romance when both parties are married? "I don't want to hurt you...your feelings are important to me. I also don't want to ruin our friendship..it's the best I've ever known." His words were coming fast and beating at me like bee-bees from a bebe gun, each one stung in a different place, but all seemed near my heart.
That was two years ago today. I can't say that the romance is the same, but the friendship has deepened. So, too, have the lies, the guilt, the maneuvering...all for what? A few minutes of passion thrown together like take-out feed from a fast food restaurant? Sure, we share conversations that are "deep", share family values, similar work ethic. My head is still firmly placed in the clouds, hovering between that space where fairy tale meets reality..and reality always wins.
Slowly, day by day, I find strength in who I am, regain some self-esteem from the circumstances that brought me to this place. I have gone to the point of trying to give myself at least freedom from my own judgment against myself..if I can't love who I am unconditionally I don't who who else can. This gives me strength which I seek more of every day. I have also come to realize that I have to love this man more than my own needs to set him free without turning back. To this day, I don't know if he will miss me...if he ever truly had the kind of feelings that I did. I wonder sometimes if men are different than women and can truly engage in passion without feelings attached. So much uncertainty in my thoughts. I am looking to set myself and another free, and there are no easy answers. Reading several blogs I found comfort that I am not alone, but still no answers. In the end, I realize that nobody wins in this situation..not me, not him, not our families...it is simply the filling of a void so deep keeps it from becoming a chasm that can never be filled.
Head firmly in the clouds...feet firmly planted on the ground...looking for answers just like everybody else. One day at a time.
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