Why I LOVE YOU..is such a desired milestone!

You've been dating for a few months, everything is going well, you have fun and a lot in common, you've met each others friends and family, and feel this could be the one, so is this the time to say "I love you" ?

Saying I love you is not easy for everyone, even if they feel it. For me it has always been fairly easy, which does not mean I just say it to anyone. But I do say it to my son, brothers and close friends. I know for a lot of people this is not so easy, as they build so many barriers around it,
what it has to mean, as though there is only ONE love, the love that means forever, marriage, joined at the hip never to part, therefore to say it, you must be prepared to walk down the aisle.

I suspect it's easier to express oneself IF you grow up in a warm, emotionally expressive family. As I experienced. Both my parents openly expressed affection and encouraged their children to do the same. Sadly, that is not the same for all those who have grown up in families where emotions were considered an unnecessary part of life. Especially if boys are taught from an early age to control any human emotion, which has always (wrongly)been considered strong to withhold, when all it does is make the adult lives of males so much more difficult, and for the women who end up loving them. Expressing LOVE can be difficult if you've never been taught how, where you have been encouraged not to be emotional. No wonder there is such an imbalance between men and women.

For the majority of people, saying ' I love you' has such a one dimensional meaning, so they feel a need to analyze those three words to death.' I love you' can take many forms, the love we have for our children, mother, father, family, a partner, and of course friends, all different, yet each one as precious as the all invoking, passionate love when falling in love. From that, we build a deeper connection, an emotional intimacy built on trust, feeling we can be naked emotionally, to be ourselves, secure in the knowledge, that even when not being at our best makes absolutely no difference, that the comfort of that invisible and intangible hammock of love is still there for us and we are completely accepted.

As the years have gone by, I've realized just how special it can make someone feel by telling them you care and love them. Even IF it is not reciprocated Love must never be a bargaining tool, never used to manipulate or hold someone to ransom to be in a relationship with you. I have two long standing girl friends with whom I say ' I love you ', we don't suppose it means anything other than a deep affection for each other, that we can share and express our innermost thoughts, without being judged, thought less off, and in the full safety of knowing we are accepted for who we truly are.

As the years and male partners have passed, I’ve become increasingly selective about the kind of person I know I can fall in love with, consequently over the last few years, those who have not inspired me, I don't ever date, as dating someone I know I can never have those feelings for, would be futile for me. A few years ago, I did find myself saying ' I love you ' to someone within about 3 months of knowing them.

It is NOT TIME that makes love any more special, meaningful or deeper, as people affect us in different ways, and in different time spans. The love of a newly married couple in the first flush of passion must not be diluted or considered not as deep because they have not been together for forty or fifty years, it is the depth at which you feel, otherwise, you could say that newly weds do not love deeply as those who have shared the years of an established marriage. It could be argued that a newly weds love is different, as it is likely to be more sexually and passionately charged opposed to calmer and slower companionate love.

In my opinion time is not of essence, as many marriages bear the scars of conforming to companionship only, living under the same roof for financial security or for the sake of children,rarely connecting on a deep emotional level. I know this; as I spent nearly two years as a voluntary relationship counsellor.

Isn't it better to have shared a deep passion, desire and love for someone that you have such a powerful connection , than to spend a lifetime hardly connecting at all, or only in the first five years. We are led to believe, from the moment we are born, that marriage is the ultimate ending, the fairy tale of perfect love, all must climb the stairs of the ivory tower to achieve. When of course it is not..Marriage is wonderful when two people are completely aware that marriage itself is not the fairy tale, then it can work, but society has led us to believe it is the ' fairy tale ' and saying I love you leads us to that formal declaration..of MARRIAGE!

So saying I love you, need not include the piece of paper, as saying, I love you, can be the commitment itself. Just that, a deep feeling of respect, care, admiration, sharing of many deep emotional feelings and intensity, where you are accepted completely.

My childhood sweetheart, who actually became my husband a couple of years later, said I told him I loved him before we even started dating. I've repressed this memory, as even for me it seems a little scary, but I suppose, given my teenage enthusiasm it was said with real meaning, and not at all expressed as if it were something that was a passing phase, or expectancy of marriage - I just felt deeply passionate. I will add here, he had been part of my family upbringing for several years before my omission.

Now, my theme song still continues to be "Express Yourself", to wait for him/her to say it first, is not what it's about. IF you really fall in-love with someone. Love is a gift, not only for those who receive it, but for those who give it, it shows us how to love, be loved and the effect it can have upon us in terms of sharing, being less self absorbed, thinking of someone else, and considering another person as an important part of our life. Without such feelings we can become very insular, emotionally selfish, insensitive to other peoples needs, set in our ways, as all we think about is ourselves..a me..me attitude.

Love make us in to much better human beings, so I love you can transform your life in so many ways for the better. Including gaining confidence, increasing self esteem, a feeling of pride that you have been true to yourself.

But can you wait too long to say those three little words?

While it’s important I believe to ensure that you really do love the person, and it's not a test, or a form of expected reciprocation don't analyse too long though, LOVE is not a thought, it does not belong to practical analytical methodical processes - it belongs to FEELINGS which are intangible, that no one can ever describe. You have to be midst of love to understand this. Yes you may feel butterflies, where your heart pounds and races, where you feel a rush of excitement at the thought of your love interest, but that is FEELING.

If you ignore it, turn your back on it, refuse to admit to your feelings, LOVE will elude you anyway, it will fade as YOU dissect and analyse every fragment, then it vanishes.But those who do this usually have some kind of emotional barrier, previous road block preventing them from expressing one of the most human feelings known to man..But if it doesn't emerge after a certain point, it’s probably not ever going to. "I believe that you can know almost immediately whether you have the capacity to love a person, a certain connection, comfort, trust, ease at which you converse, how attracted you are ( NO not just the physical) so in my experience, if that's not there at the onset, it seems unlikely that love will come in an organic, lasting way.
Couples over think the declaration itself. "We put too much emphasis on those three words.

NOT suggesting it should be said to everyone, far, far, from, but if you ignore or deny your feelings, analyze it to death, as let's face it it, IF you're thinking you might love someone,then you probably do, so not saying it, you’ll just become less and less willing to take a chance. Always waiting for the right time, right place, right moment to say it...Will never come that is the manyana approach suggesting someone likes to control when and what they do and feel in life.

If you constantly have to control everything you do, when you do it, as though you were organizing some date in your diary, then it is unlikely you are in touch with your real emotions, and if presented with such strong feelings for another, you would probably feel out of control and withdraw like a tortoise in to it's shell. Love is all about being spontaneous and jumping! Love is not a commodity you can order like a take out - although I have heard people say, it's not the right time for them to be involved, they need to do this, that or the other before they fall in love. I would advise if you meet anyone like that, not to consider a relationship with them, they are usually very controlled people, where everything must be in a certain place before they do anything. LOVE should be welcomed at any point in life it happens, it's rare, and when embraced and truly felt two people will be flexible to work at bringing it into their lives.

Having asked several people when I carried out some research a few years ago, the majority agree that saying those words too late can ruin a relationship. Someone who goes un-named was seeing a guy for six months—they travelled, spent several nights a week together, weekends, shared similar values, family backgrounds, so all seemed to be pretty good for a future. Nothing from him in all this time, she was waiting for the ' I think I'm falling in love with you ' as she didn't want to scare him off. Finally, she approached the subject with, I’m falling in love with you.

Seven days later, she packed up her things and left him (brave!) Why, because he went silent, as though she had just mentioned the weather. Three months later, they met again, he confessed that he did love her, but was afraid, was afraid of commitment, but had since got himself emotionally together. Guess what? She’d moved on - to someone emotionally expressive and available.

No one can tell you when to say ' I love you' and you can’t tell someone when to say I love you back, but thinking it’ll just happen, might not be the way either.

Here are some guidelines: If you meet someone and within minutes you feel a heady passion, you connect on all levels, you have fun, warmth, tenderness, physically you're perfect together, and you just can't wait to see that person, you have butterflies in your stomach, you constantly crave to be with that person, and it's reciprocated, take it from me, this is a person with whom you MIGHT be able to LOVE, that does NOT mean it will last forever, or he or she will be perfect, but if you don’t say ' I love you' after six months of dating, you probably should, or you should be moving on, especially IF you're seeking marriage or a live in partner.

IF it takes someone your dating over 12 months to feel any connection with you on that level, it's probably because you don't have that something that brings about them falling in love with you, OR they are emotionally unavailable and have no intentions of being in an equally loving relationship. So why would you remain with them? IF you are not looking for friendship, or a casual relationship, and you're seeking LOVE! So if he's not feeling it, or you either, after 12 months -MOVE ON and don't waste YOUR valuable time.

IF you stay, it's either convenience, a compromise so as not to be alone, or to have a sexual partner which you know you have no intentions of moving forward with, so if you're really seeking a long-term relationship, THIS WILL HINDER YOUR PROSPECTS, so you need to remove yourself from this arrangement and find someone, more in keeping with your own relationship goals.

Otherwise you might end up like Mr.X who told me: "It wasn't until she was walking away from me with tears in her eyes, that I realized that I did love her. She was everything that I wanted, I just kept on thinking, is this right, do I feel love for her, by the time I had worked out she was special, it was too late. Worse thing I knew all along that she was perfect for me, from the day I first saw her. The reason I waited so long? Probably fear, stupidity, and lack of experience. May be all three "

LOVE given or received is the most wonderful asset we can ever have - which is why WE ALL seek this elusive and precious feeling in our life, so if you think you feel it, seize it, don't wait for some date in the future...just say it!