Secret Lover’s Calendar: A Solution for the Romantically Challenged

Date night...

Urealistic Romantic Myth

One of the little truths that married couples and couples who live together seldom share with their single friends is; couples that live apart have more sex and romance than those who live together!

When one person is a guest and the other is a host, it’s like having vacation sex. There are no mundane discussions; you want to make the most of your time together. Every weekend is a romantic weekend. The person hosting does everything in their power to make sure their guest leaves with wonderful memories. This may entail a romantic outing, candlelight dinner at home, a sensual massage, sharing a bath, or making love in front of the fireplace. Planning and effort is a mainstay whenever the couple comes together. This however changes for most relationships once they share the same roof.

Cynics VS Romantics

Cynics or “practical” people will tell you having less romance and passionate sex in a long-term relationship is normal. Life gets in the way and other things have a higher priority. However, I have never heard of a couple waking up one day and saying, “Let’s have less sex, stop flirting with each other, stop taking showers together, stop leaving naughty voice mails, stop writing love notes to each other, and drop oral sex.” Neither do they say, “No more long wet kisses, massages, lighting candles, playing music, setting a romantic mood, or having sex outside of the bedroom.”

Romantics or “unrealistic” people believe their relationship will only get more passionate, loving, and romantic as time goes on. In fact, they believe that love grows deeper as the years go by. The better you know someone, the more trust there is between you. You become more comfortable with trying new and exciting things with your mate. A romantic is usually sentimental. They recall first kisses, first dates, who wore what, conversations, promises made, and they genuinely believe their lives will be just as they discussed countless times.

In an ideal world, if two romantics found each other, their relationship would be heavenly. Two cynics would also live in perfect harmony getting exactly what they expected. The main reason the right pairings seldom get together is because cynics behave like romantics in the beginning of a new relationship. This leads to heartache and disappointment for a romantic when the cynic reverts back to his or her natural self.

By the time a cynic reveals his or her true nature, the romantic is emotionally invested in the relationship. He or she tries to keep the fire burning until one day they realize the romantic energy they are expending is not being reciprocated, or worse, the other person repeatedly shoots down their romantic suggestions. After having the wind taken out of their sails and getting rejected repeatedly, the romantic strives to adapt to the cynic’s world by “going along to get along.” Eventually the relationship settles into what the cynic calls normal. Cynics usually get their way. It takes less energy for a romantic to stop making romantic gestures than for a cynic to put forth the effort to keep passion alive. However sometimes when you win you loose. The romantic may end up having an affair or ultimately decides to walk away from the relationship/marriage.

A Secret Lover’s Calendar

Knowing what to do does not automatically translate into doing it. A person may hate going to the gym, but after the workout they’re glad they went. This is often true of the cynic who desires to be more romantic. Sometimes the cynic loses track of time and does not realize how long it has been since he or she has done something special to show appreciation for his or her significant other. Creating a habit that does not come naturally requires some help.

If you are the cynic in the relationship, one of the best things you can do is to create a “secret lover’s calendar” for yourself. You will want to keep it at work or some other place your mate is not likely to find it.

Take a calendar and circle all the special event dates that apply to your relationship, such as his or her birthday, your various anniversaries (e.g., the day you met, your first date, and your day of engagement), noteworthy Hallmark days like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve, and long weekends such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving. These are all ideal dates for doing something special for your significant other.

During the uneventful months, you also want to target at least one day to surprise him or her. Your goal is to have something to look forward to each month. This may range from you cooking a special meal, performing a chore normally done by your significant other, going to a movie, taking an evening walk in a park or along a beach, having a picnic, or taking a weekend getaway or vacation. It may also include leaving a love note on the bathroom mirror or a loving voice mail at work, bringing home flowers, sending an e-mail greeting card, giving a sensual massage, or planning a surprise seduction.

It’s not necessary to have all of your events listed ahead of time. You may want to place a star or mark on one day each month to do something. Once the activity or event is over make a notation of what you did. Although you will be doing something each month you want to avoid doing the same things too soon or annually on the same day. The goal is to be unpredictable and have fun.

Utilizing this calendar ensures you are doing something to keep the romance alive in your relationship, and if you’re fortunate enough to be involved with a romantic, then you will spend the rest of your lives passionately one-upping each other.

“It’s not unrealistic to expect to have a romantic and passionate relationship. It just requires making it a priority in your life.”

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Comments 14 comments

Bettyoverstreet10 profile image

Bettyoverstreet10 4 years ago from Vacaville, Ca.

Thanks for being my very first commenter. I must read all of your hubs!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

Bettyoverstreet10, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment on my hub! :-)

I couldn't help myself posting that comment on your hub. For years I have been trying to get women to understand how important is for women to make their husbands or significant other feel (desired) by being proactive when it comes to romantic and passionate gestures. When two people are "in love" with one another these deeds are reciprocated.


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina

This is some very sound, helpful advice. This calendar seems like a great way to avoiding ruts in a relationship. Very interesting!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

tammyswallow, Thanks for reading my hub and posting your comment. The Secret Lover's Calendar is in one of the sections in my book; "My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). I truly believe there are those people who love their mates but simply do not have a natural knack for being romantic. However "practical" people are usually excellent at executing or following a plan. ha ha


Ingenira profile image

Ingenira 3 years ago

I learnt a few things here. Thank you ! With calendar feature in smart phones, it has become easier to keep the romance alive.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

Ingenira, You are right about the smart phones! It should make it easier to stay on track. Nurturing relationships is the only way to keep them thriving!


michememe profile image

michememe 3 years ago

Exactly, making romance is a priority. I think it has to be important to both people involved. This can only happen as you wrote in your book by having HONEST COMMUNICATION.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

michememe, Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to post your comment. Yes (honest communication) is the key! Unfortunately "cynics" will always do their best to (impress) a new relationship prospect by behaving like a "romantic". :-)

This why it takes so much longer to really get to know someone.


Dominica2257 profile image

Dominica2257 3 years ago from Charlotte, N

What wonderful insight! I can completely relate from experience and I had not pondered your point before. It makes sense. Yes, two romantics together would be ideal, but that rarely happens. Great article!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

Dominica2257, Thanks for your wonderful comment!

The real trick in life is getting together with someone who has the same priorities when it comes to romance and passion. That's easier said than done! :-) Note: I actually included this article in my book.

My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Relationship-E...


janibellxo profile image

janibellxo 3 years ago from my mind

“It’s not unrealistic to expect to have a romantic and passionate relationship. It just requires making it a priority in your life.” - Completely changed my perspective on this, thnx!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

janibellxo, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment. We always seem to find a way to do the things we consider "important". :-)


Benny01 profile image

Benny01 15 months ago from Lagos, Nigeria

Dashingscorpio, you are good with words. very insightful, I really had a good laugh where you said that 'Eventually the relationship settles for what the cynics called normal'

And actually what cynics see as normal are what destroys wonderful relationships. This article is an eyes opener. Thanks for sharing.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 15 months ago Author

Benny01, Thanks for your comment.

"Settling in" or "relaxing" is very common for us human beings when we feel we're in a secure place.

A person gets a (new) job and for their 90 day probation period they're never late and never take any days off. Once they feel secure in the job they show up 20 minutes late one day and co-worker makes a comment.

The person replies: "They're lucky I showed up!" LOL!

We treat the (new) better than the "tried and true".

Someone gets a new car and the first thing they tell their friends and family: "No smoking, drinking, or eating in my car."

They wash and wax it every weekend and have it detailed every 6 months. Check back with them in 3-5 years and you'll see an inch of dirt on the car and the inside looks like a grenade went off!

The same things happen with people when it comes to how they behave in new relationships versus how they are in long-term committed ones.

People just become (lazy) when it comes to making the effort to romantic. So many people want to learn "how to keep the magic alive".

The answer is you never allow it to come close to death.

It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark! :)

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