Revenge and The Other Woman- Is It Worth It?

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

It is very normal for a betrayed wife to want revenge on the other woman. You may spend hours plotting the most elaborate acts of revenge and even if you have no plans on following through, it still brings great satisfaction to imagine the affair partner being shamed or publicly outed as a home wrecking (insert derogatory term). You believe that if you could find a way to make her suffer that it might lessen some of your pain- pain that she helped cause! The days, weeks or months following an affair are filled with so much uncertainty and you're left to question everything.You no longer trust that you are capable of separating lies from the truth, you doubt everyone, including yourself. Your world has been shattered and adding insult to injury, betrayed spouses are often blindsided by the discovery of an affair and it often leaves them feeling helpless and powerless. This is why fantasies of revenge are often so comforting, it's a little piece of control that we are able to reclaim when it feels as if we have no control over everything else that is happening. But is seeking revenge on the other woman a good idea? Many women struggle with this question because as badly as they want revenge, there is a sense of morality and genuine goodness that holds them back. These are the traits that separate us from the other woman, if we seek revenge and deliberately set out to hurt her, are we no better than she is?


An important question to ask yourself if you are plotting revenge on the affair partner is "What do you hope to gain from doing so?" I have asked some women who have been betrayed this very question, and the responses I get are typically these:


I want to make her suffer as much as she has made me suffer.

I want to let her know that messing with my life is not OK and I wont stand for it.

I want her to see the pain she is causing me and my children.

I want to find out what her intentions are now that the affair is exposed.

I want her friends and family to see her for the home wrecking (@#$&%) she is.


Here's the problem; facing off with the other woman often doesn't always yield these results. Think about it! You are not dealing with a caring, rational woman. The very fact that she is involved with a married man suggests that she lacks character or a compassionate side and it certainly suggests that she is all about her needs and desires. Often times the other woman will use this opportunity to divulge details of the affair and cause you more pain, remember; she wants your husband and your life. This woman is typically not going to show remorse or make promises to "leave your family alone". The woman attempting to steal your husband is dishonest, spiteful, uncaring and has an agenda of her own; rarely are you going to gain satisfaction from dealing with such a twisted, selfish person. It's not unusual that confronting the other woman or seeking revenge on her will backfire and leave you feeling worse then you did before the confrontation. Think long and hard about your reasons for confronting her or seeking revenge before you put any plans into action. If we are able to think clearly and take our emotions out of the equation it's easier to conclude that she just isn't worth it!.


Still toying with the idea? Feel like you just can't let this go, she has to pay for her crime! Well what you might not realize at this point is that if you and your spouse have stayed together and decided to work on your relationship, that she is indeed suffering. It's all the revenge you need. This woman has invested a lot of time into stealing your man and it didn't work. Chances are that she was "dropped" as soon as the affair was exposed. It is killing her that your spouse made promises to leave you and professed to love only her and that he made plans of having a life with her. He has probably portrayed you as a bad wife who was unable to satisfy his needs, yet he is choosing you over what he had with her. The other woman had an opportunity to give her best and to attempt to steal your man without any competition from you (as you were unaware that you were in a competition). On the contrary, your marriage was probably in shambles for quite some time, constant arguments and many walls built between you but even still, he chose you when push came to shove. He only saw her at her best, dressed to kill, hair and make-up perfect, waiting on him with words perfectly rehearsed to stroke his ego and make him feel wanted and needed. Meanwhile, you were probably at home with your pj's on, hair in a pony-tail, maybe even with spit up or stains on your clothes from little mouths and hands. She thought she was competing but as it turns out she wasn't even in the finals. Try to find a little comfort in that.


But what if he leaves you for her? Well you still have revenge without even doing a thing. Now she has a whole new set of problems. She has a lying, cheating, broken man who she now has to feel suspicious of and she becomes the insecure one left wondering what he is up to when he is not with her. If you have children, the two of you still need to communicate, he still needs to visit his children, imagine how she feels when she knows he is with you? It probably drives her insane, she already knows he can't be trusted. It's the perfect revenge, she gets to feel what its like to have her man spend time with another woman, she gets to feel that uneasy feeling of "what if he doesn't come back". You know what they say "If a woman steals your husband, the best revenge is to let her have him". It's true!


Another thing to consider when you feel like you want to seek revenge is that often the best revenge is living well. Giving the other woman any attention just validates her sense of importance in your life. She is nothing and she is not worth your time or efforts.. Make her insignificant! Many affair partners feed off the insecurity of the betrayed spouse, it only strokes their ego, they love to know that they have you rattled or feeling like less of a woman. But killing them with kindness or even indifference makes them crazy, as it confirms what they already may be feeling about themselves- that they are nothing, someones dirty secret. Remember the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Believe me, these women want a reaction, they live for it and they can't stand it when they are ignored by you. Don't give her more power than she deserves.


Instead of confronting her or seeking revenge focus on things that foster your healing. At the end of the day, she is left with either nothing, or a lying cheating dog. Either way, she will not come out a winner in this scenario. But you have the opportunity to hold you head high with your morals and integrity intact. You have a chance to show the world that you are strong and that this woman isn't even remotely close to being in the same league as you. If your husband wants to leave you for "that", let him do it without dragging you down to their level. Yes, it hurts terribly and seeking revenge or calling her out would feel amazing but it's not going to make a difference, so why humiliate yourself for such a worthless person? There is no act of revenge or plea for sympathy that would work on this woman, she has no values. It's also very important if you are trying to repair your marriage that you not give her a place in your life anymore. This is a time for healing between you and your spouse, any information you require should come from him, not her. She has no intentions of doing anything that's going to help you repair your marriage, she has no reason to be in your life. Shut the door in her face and do whatever necessary to keep her on the outside. It will be much more effective than having her still involved and knowing your weakness. Allowing her any place in your marriage is a step backwards in healing.


So go ahead and fantasize about your revenge but don't follow through. Remind yourself often that as good as it may feel it will serve no purpose. You are not dealing with a rational, caring person and even worse you may end up being arrested or having a restraining order put against you. How humiliating would that be? If you do happen to run into her, give her absolutely no reaction. Treat her with indifference, make her feel like the small, insignificant person that she is. It wont be easy but in time you will be so happy that you took the high road. Remember that its these qualities that make you a beautiful, loving person and it's her lack of them that make her suitable to only be someones dirty secret.

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Comments 61 comments

formosangirl profile image

formosangirl 5 years ago from Los Angeles

In situations like this the man may not been honest with the woman, who thinks she is in an uncomplicated relationship.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

You are right on that, I believe that happens quite often as well. I guess this is written for the women who have discovered a partners affair and are dealing with a "other woman" who knew he was married and who repeatedly tried to disrupt the marriage. I do also want to make a point to say that I know some of the article may seem harsh towards the affair partner but again, I'm writing from the perspective of a woman who's been betrayed and also been harassed by the affair partner. I also wrote it with women who have talked to me about their horror stories with "other women" in mind. I feel equally sorry for women who were lied to, believing they were dating an unattached man and I also do not believe revenge is the answer (I didn't seek revenge), but I also know many women struggle with the decision of seeking revenge and I wanted to give them something to consider. The "harshness" expressed is to merely let them know that I understand exactly how they are feeling. I'm glad you mentioned this valid point as it gives me the chance to expand my thoughts a little. Thanks formosangirl :)


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

"I want to make her suffer as much as she has made me suffer. I want to let her know that messing with my life is not OK and I wont stand for it. I want her to see the pain she is causing me and my children. I want to find out what her intentions are now that the affair is exposed."

Actually the sad thing about all of this is it's the HUSBAND who is causing the family pain. No matter how sexy, tempting,or inviting another woman may be it always comes down to the married man saying "yes" or "no". To blame the "other woman" is like saying the husband was "powerless". Truth be told he did what he wanted to do in that moment. One man's opinion! :-)


oldandwise 5 years ago

I would look at it differently. They deserve each other. If they did it once, they'll probably do it again and live that pain themselves. A marriage without trust is like a car without gas. You can sit in that car forever, but it won't take you anywhere.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Absolutely agree. If he had said no, none of these issues would exist! He had the responsibility to his family but the other woman who willingly participated and took pleasure in someone else's pain needs to accept her responsibility as well.

I personally had no knowledge of my husbands "other woman" until harassing phone calls started, underwear were left hanging on our family vehicle etc etc. He was a dog and she was a "b&$@%", both participated in hurting me and many times I hear of women taunting the innocent wife. That's wrong and just as bad as what the husband did. They both deserve blame in my opinion. Bad behaviour requires accountability no matter what the circumstance.

oldand wise.. so true, the best revenge is to let her have him. I left my marriage and he still continues to cheat on his partners.


brittanytodd profile image

brittanytodd 5 years ago from Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

I agree. They both deserve the blame, but whose job is it to punish them? I don't know. I think I would step back and let God or karma do it's job. I agree the best revenge is to let them have each other. Why wouldn't they do the same to each other? Great hub that poses a lot of interesting questions! Keep up the great work and I am happy you are part of the 30in30. Voted uP!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

cheatlierepeat, a woman who knowingly becomes involved with a married man does share in some of the responsibility of causing the family pain. However society will always blame the person who took the vow for breaking their spouse's heart whether it be a man or woman. If one is inclined to seek revenge it should be against the person that betrayed them. Even if the other woman was a "Fatal Attraction" the husband is still at fault for bringing her into your life. Clearly he was not "the one" for you. It's good you've moved on. The next step is to stop looking backwards. Your future lies ahead of you. Best of luck!


brittanytodd profile image

brittanytodd 5 years ago from Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

Cheatlierepeat, I'm glad you are now in a good relationship and I am sorry to hear about your negative experiences. I wish you the best of luck in life! Don't let the past get you down. :)


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

I am in a good place and I am completely healed from my past. Not only did I not seek revenge, I secretly granted forgiveness to my husband and all the other woman he had (even the fatal attraction one). I did it secretly because it was for me, not for them. Not forgiving someone is like drinking poision and expecting someone else to die. As a part of my healing and moving forward, I write about my experiences to help other people move forward in their pain but to also know they are not alone and that someone truly understands how they are feeling at the early stage of their affair discovery. When I discuss his infidelity now, it's like I am descrbing someone else's life, it does not affect me emotionally in any way. I am thankful now that things happened they way the did because it led me to something amazing but, as a woman, I feel it's important to support and help other women who are being cheated on, feeling lost and alone in their pain.

I love hearing all the different opinions people have and I thank all of you for responding, love the feedback to this very sensitive topic.


msshandriaball profile image

msshandriaball 5 years ago

Love this hub! good advice.If you separate the text into separate capsules and add some images you could possibly get more viewers.this seems to be working for me.My hubs with video and pic seem to do better.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Thanks. Glad your hubs are doing well. I will keep that advice in mind for future articles. I'm bad with adding a lot of pics but still seem to get lots of traffic. Will try your suggestion and try to be better diciplined. I get so into the writing part I tend to over-look photos.


phoenixarizona profile image

phoenixarizona 5 years ago from Australia

You forgot one very minute detail cheatlierepeat. My mother always told me that the best revenge is to be nice, to smile and allow that person to believe that they did not hurt you.

I'd be sending flowers and chocolates from "a secret admirer" and let the dust fall where it may.

If the husband and wife stay together it gives the other woman the hope that someone else likes her and waivers her interest for a while. If Hubby leaves for her, surely he would become suspicious of an admirer sending flowers and chocolates, and those who can't be trusted are usually green eyed monsters.

I know, diabolical right? But that would be my revenge, flowers and chocolates. He he.

I voted up and awesome. I hope a woman scorned reads this hub and either rethinks revenge altogether or, takes the nice and kind route. Drives people nuts!


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Oh Phoenix, I didn't know I was following such a diabolical gal :D. I personally took the "indifference" approach and it drove the other woman crazy that I wouldn't react to her craziness.

I do like your idea & think thoughts of revenge are often a nice distraction. I also hope women read this and make the decision not to give into temptation by seeking revenge. It feels better in the long run to take the high road. Thanks for your comment, I had a little chuckle :)


msshandriaball profile image

msshandriaball 5 years ago

i agree phoenixarizona, great revenge! kill her with kindness...haha


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

Read the hub and all the comments. Fortunately I have not ever found myself in this situation. I think it is best to forgive and to move on. Revenge is not only wrong (in my humble opinion) but also tends to complicate things even further.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

I agree homesteadbound. It feels so much better when the dust settles to know that you took the high road. I do understand the "want" for it but hope women will only play it out in their heads and then move forward with integrity.

It's a difficult time, emotions are all over the place, your life is pulled out from under your feet and it's easier to blame her than the person who was never supposed to hurt you or betray you. Even easier to blame the other woman if she makes it her mission to destroy the marriage.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

I agree homesteadbound. It feels so much better when the dust settles to know that you took the high road. I do understand the "want" for it but hope women will only play it out in their heads and then move forward with integrity.

It's a difficult time, emotions are all over the place, your life is pulled out from under your feet and it's easier to blame her than the person who was never supposed to hurt you or betray you. Even easier to blame the other woman if she makes it her mission to destroy the marriage.


Author Cheryl profile image

Author Cheryl 5 years ago

All in all its the man who needs to say no. She can't make him cheat only he can make him cheat. I don't fault the other woman because ultimately it was/is the mans decision to act on it. If he didn't then there would be no need for revenge. She should really want if any revenge on him for breaking his vows of marriage. Another woman can only do what a man lets her do.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Thanks for the comment Author Cheryl, I enjoy reading all the different perspectives on this subject.


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

I am sorry that you had to go through all of that. I would never be able to do something like that to anyone. I can't imagine what motivates someone to do things like this.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Thank you, it was definitely hard at the time but now I see it as a blessing and a great opportunity for personal growth. They both did me a favour :)


Daisy 4 years ago

To author cheryl

Yes the husband has to take responsibility for his cheating. and both marriage partners have to look at how the marriage had gotten so weak that someone else could step in.

But.....men and women think differently.....Only a woman knows how another woman really feels about sex, love, marriage ect. When a woman takes another womans husband, especially when there are children, she is the lowest of the low. She knows how much pain she is causing to satisfy her own ego.

It would be cool if women would support each other in what....is still... a man's world...instead of competing and trying to damage each other.

Ladies..... stand up together and be strong.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Daisy, so true! Imagine a world where women honored the "sisterhood" enough to not participate in affairs. Some men have shown so much disrespect towards women over the years, it certainly would be nice if women supported one another.


Angryashell 4 years ago

I really think that the other woman must feel physical pain. Burn her face with petrol or acid especially if they are not remorseful. It will be a lesson. Sweet revenge!!!


Angryashell 4 years ago

I am reading the bible and guess what God says revenge is HIs and says we should love our enemies and do what Proverbs 25:21-22 says we must do. Tough though especially when you are hurting.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

As much as it hurts at the time, I think the best revenge is living well and letting the experience change you in the most beneficial way, whether it be strength, independence or whatever "growth" you ultimately gain once the dust settles and the healing has begun.


anon29 4 years ago

What if the woman knew u and u don't want her round ur child?


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Unfortunately the Dad is going to end up with certain rights and unless there is some legally valid reason for her to not be around your child, then there is no way to stop it. It's not easy when it comes to the children and the other woman. Often we have no control over that situation.


Too Much Pain 4 years ago

That was an a terrific article! And I loved the comments that followed. I am on Day 48 of finding out about the "other woman", and the grief is overwhelming. I cannot imagine that such grief, loneliness and despair was possible. I have found out today that my husband and his new lady are on a week's holiday in New Zealand! I am so devastated about this whole thing. I wish I could meet someone face to face, who's gone through this. I feel like I'm alone in this world with this pain.


Too Much Pain 4 years ago

PS.. when I said I wish I could meet someone... I mean another wife who has experienced this. I'm in my 50s, my husband in his 60s. This shouldn't be happening to us! ... from Sydney, Australia


sunshinesadie profile image

sunshinesadie 4 years ago

You are not alone. My husband is in his 60's. OW is early 40's. I am a year into it and it still hurts, but nothing like day 48. I am so sorry you are going thru this. It's a knife in the heart, I know.

Divorce Care is offered at a lot of churches and it is VERY helpful. There are lots of us out there, who want to help. It's part of our healing.

Hang in there, I know you can't believe it now, but it DOES get better. Really.

Here's the best revenge that is actually helping me: pray for her. She's the one now who is stuck with the cheat! At least she knows going in what she's getting.

Please give yourself a hug for me and check out the website for divorce care. It really, really helps.


Weigh-less profile image

Weigh-less 4 years ago

Thanks for the article it makes a lot of sense.


Liliana 4 years ago

I can't quite agree here. I think it's not necessary for the wife to be perfect in her response and people ought to be saying "the other woman got off lightly that she wasn't maimed", I think the wife should get a massive free pass here. And I think the wife who stays and has no revenge is just revealing herself to be meek and a victim.

I intend to tell the mistress's husband an family just so she has something to deal with. The affair is over but I'm the only one left with wreckage. I'm not going to stand for that and if someone calls me vindictive and petty I will hold my head high and say she had it coming and worse.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Everyone has to cope in a manner that works best for them. I did not seek revenge because it was not who I am. I don't and will never judge how anyone deals with a situation like this, it's the worst thing to go through and whatever works :). If you do seek revenge just be careful it doesn't go so far as to get you in any trouble...no man is worth that.


Too Much Pain 4 years ago

Sorry ladies... I've only just seen your emails. Thank you Lilliana and cheatlierepeat and sunshinesadie for your replies. It's been almost 4 months now, and I still stand at the sink washing the dishes and fantasising that my husband will come up behind me and tell me he's coming home. It's a real 'head and heart' thing. He has done and said the most unbelievably wicked things to me in these past few months, and yet ... ever the true "co-dependant", I keep 'being sweet' and telling him I still love him. I haven't got angry with him. I feel anger towards the other woman though. Today is definitely 200% better than it was when I first wrote on this site on "Day 48", but I still think about him ALL THE TIME and constantly look out the front window hoping to see him drive in the driveway. Are any of you ladies in Sydney Oz?


sunshinesadie profile image

sunshinesadie 4 years ago

Thank you for your kind words. I'm in California, but (sadly) I am certain you will find others there. We seem to be everywhere.

I'm almost two years out, though he STILL won't sign the divorce agreement!, and I am amazed at how much better I am. It just takes time. I WISH there was a short cut. It's by far the most hurtful thing I have ever been through.

I have a hard time blaming the OW; I know first hand what a great liar he is. I can only imagine what he's told her about me and our marriage. I think that's what hurt the most. The betrayal and out right lying after being married 13 years and best friends... or so I thought.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

I just want you to know that it does get better. I have a new life, new partner, a brand new baby boy and I look back and think how grateful I am that my cheating ex did me this huge favor. It hurts like hell but I promise one day you will feel so much better. One day when the pain ceases you will realize what a huge act of disrespect cheating is and you will cringe at the thought of loving someone who could hurt you that way. If you do find new relationships one day, aim higher, demand more...actually don't demand but be sure its freely given. I can't even compare the happiness in my life and the loving respectful relationship I have. It makes me sad that I allowed myself so many years of mistreatment and bullshit. It WILL get better ladies, the hurt eventually fades, but the lessons make you stronger, wiser and equipped to make better choices... He is the loser in this, not you....look at what he's losing...what a moron!


Too Much Pain 4 years ago

Thanks for those responses :-)

Congratulations cheatlierepeat on your new love and your dear little boy! What a wonderful story you have.

All the literature says this is a 'new beginning' etc etc... it's hard to believe it, when my husband and I were newly retired. I just wanted to grow old with him...


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

That is sad and disappointing Too much pain, I think it would be harder to make sense of at that stage in life...I'm sorry you have had to deal with this...I wish you peace, happiness and healing. How awful, just awful,that a man does that to his partner in the years that we all look forward to enjoying one another again once children have grown and responsibility has lessened... I seriously feel for you and wish you the best.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

cheatlierepeat.......How sad and complex. I can relate and understand as well, about the thoughts of "revenge." In the end, as you know now, it's best to cut your losses, deal with the stages of grief and go forward to get on with your life as seamlessly as possible.

"The Best revenge is to live better and be successful." And of course, it never hurts to discover how totally miserable your cheating ex-spouse is in his new life!!!! LOL


Maria 4 years ago

I am a year on after my husbands affair and I STILL want to rip her face off!!!

I managed to save my marriage by playing her at her own game. It was painful but I (after wrenching the knife from my heart) played good cop bad cop and became his best friend and advisor!

I let him go so that he could "experience" her to the max!

She gave him a key and so they begun the humdrum of normal everyday life whilst I worked at looking amazing & seemingly holding it together...I turned myself into the other woman and became a safe place for him to talk and get advice. (yes he was stupid enough to think I was bieng"mature" about his affair!) eventually it was me he rang up to take out for dinner and me he used has a sounding baurd. It was a hard game to play keeping my cool but she could not compete and I got him back. (I secretly hate him for whar he did but he will get his just deserts in time...this is all about the other women challenging the wife!! Ive stayed away from her because im still playing it cool.. I have a house to maintain a child to bring up & until im home safe its what I have to do! Feelings are just the ego reacting girls you are perfect at your core and these men are complete assholes! Stay calm and do what you need to do but remember revenge is a dish best served cold.... peace out


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Marla... I love your approach, love your strength and your desire to get what you want. I fought to win also and eventually realized the prize was not worth it. I have a completely different life now that's filled with honesty and happiness. Some men do and will change, mine did not and now he lives in misery and I thrive.

And I agree fpher

Thanks Too Much Pain... He's adorable and brings even more joy!


mae 4 years ago

marilyn Monroe had the best advice ever, she said that the "best revenge on the other woman is to let her keep hm" I took her advice and said those words to the other woman and it was totally worth it to see her face as she realized the truth of those words, I've moved on and am much happier now. Marilyn Monroe was a wise woman.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Very wise indeed


Globetrekkermel profile image

Globetrekkermel 4 years ago from CALIFORNIA

Not worth it .I don't believe in revenge to the other woman..After all it takes 2 to tango.If the husband chose to cheat on his wife and not considering the consequences on his marriage,he is as much of an accomplice of the crime just as much as she(the other woman ) is. My take: Expect life to be a constant change. No bones about it. If it's time to change, And he wants to leave, I will hug him and wish him good luck and I will still be friends with him.I will be sad but I owe to myself not to be bitter.It's a waste of my time and energy to be dealing with the negatives.I prefer to focus of the positives - the adventures of a newly single woman.


Globetrekkermel profile image

Globetrekkermel 4 years ago from CALIFORNIA

Hahaha! Let's throw a party and celebrate onother chapter of our life! - the joys of singleness.And to the cheating husband,partner,lover whatever you are called-Thank you for the memories. I had a great time regardless.

Good luck to you.see you around. Lol!


regretme 4 years ago

I do not agree with the article or parts, be careful of getting on a soap box and making judgements against the other woman because you might be one someday... I never thought I would be, and I am ashamed of what I did, but it does happen to nice girls, christians, mothers, everyday people. In fact, most are not Angelina Jolie types we are ordinary people... Myself, had just come out of a 22 year abusive marriage, hit 40, experienced empty nest and was very vulnerable and depressed. I met a nice man, that was sleeping in different bedrooms with his wife, who was devastated over his 18 year old daughters pregnancy after he had fought with his spouse over discpline of his child for years... the mother actually watched 16 and pregnant with the child for years prior to this... he told me his marriage was over and he was waiting for the child to be born to leave. needless to say once this was out in the open with his wife, the smear campaign of me and him began, and she became the victim. Even his own mother says that I didn't break up his marriage that she knew that divorce was coming, but I have became the scapegoat for all of her troubles. I am sorry for what happened, but I don't regret meeting a wonderful person and we are very happy now, although we both fight our feelings of guilt over the pain it caused.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Thank you for your comment. I respect your opinion even though it differs from mine. I will never be ' the other woman' I am sure of that! I would be very surprised if this cheater was actually sleeping in a different bedroom, if it was that bad he should have left long before he started up something with you. If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I also believe she was the victim, whether he loved her or not, she's a woman and the mother of his children and that alone entitles her to a more respectful ending to her marriage. I'm not judging any of you, but I stand by my words... There is no excuse ever to cheat, if you don't want to be where you are... Just leave! It's that complicated and that simple! It does happen to good people and will continue to happen to good people until we stop letting ourselves be disrespected. I'm glad it worked out and you are happy despite the pain it caused all the innocent people involved and most likely yourselves.

Just to be fair and clear, I do not think seeking revenge or trashing the other woman is the answer either. Cheating hurts but there are more productive ways to handle the shock and pain. Everyone has feelings and reasons for doing what they do.


Joanna 3 years ago

Interesting posts. My father had an affair and I as a child was the first person to figure it out -- and follow him. We children demanded that our mother divorce the bum. Needing someone to grab on to like the sinking ship he is - he married the other woman. None of the children in our family (all grown now) have had any contact with him. In looking up something online about my brothers' children, I came across my father -- cheating no less with men this time.


PAM 3 years ago

SO do you think getting revenge is a BAD THING??? I THINK NOT! who are you to say what a woman should or should not do when she has been the victom of her husband and a "another woman...AKA the WHORE" i am not a woman who beats around the bush...yep, she got her just deserts for cheeting with my husband....yes i did distory her life, and her job and anything else i want to do to her. as a mater of fact if i feel like it i WILL AND HAVE TORTURED HER ON A DAILY BASIS. i made her MY BITCH...by that i mean i took her perfect life and turned it into a pigmire which she deserved. so am i a bad person...hell no, considering i was going to take her into the woods tie her to a tree, cut her and wait for the coyote to come eat her while i watched!!! there ARE WIFES LIKE ME OUT THERE...THE KIND WHO WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD. THE KIND WHO WILL FOLLOW YOU EVERY STEP TO MAKE SURE ALL OF YOUR LIFE IS WHAT YOU GAVE ME.... so buck up women, don't be a rug for men to wipe their feet on or sit quiet while your husband makes your life hell...YOU HAVE THE POWER NOT HIM USE YOUR POWER...STOP BEING LAME ASS WOMEN WHO SIT AND CRY ABOUT WHAT HE HAS DONE TO YOU......MAKE YOUR OWN WAY, IF IT IS REVENGE......THEN SO BE IT..THAT'S WHAT THE WHORE DESERVES AND THE WHOREMONGER.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 3 years ago from Canada Author

Hi Pam,

I am not telling anyone what they should or should not do, I am simply offering some alternatives to revenge "to think about". Not everyone needs to "even the score" to heal and move on, we all deal with situations differently. I'm not getting how making her life a living hell has helped you, you still seem very angry? In my circumstance, I didn't need to seek revenge to move on, I felt neither were worth the effort. This approach clearly doesn't work for everyone. I wasn't a lame ass and I didn't sit and cry, I just chose to make a life better for my child and myself and having a heart filled with hate and revenge would have interfered with MY healing, but that's just my journey....everyone is entitled to their own journey. My best revenge; which required no action on my part was letting her have him. Btw, he cheated on her too and is onto another dishonest relationship.


AnnaCia profile image

AnnaCia 3 years ago

Hi. I saw the title of this hub and did not want to read it, but went directly to the comments because I knew this was going to be interesting. It amazes me how much "the other woman is blame" and the poor puppet of a husband is not. I do not agree or accept any excuse from a woman who, knowing the man is married, dates or sleeps around with a married man. A person with high values and respect for herself and others involved in the life of the man will never ever think about doing such a thing.

There will always exist the ones who do not give a damn. But I assure you, if a husband (no matter if he is having a good relationship or not; or at the edge of having a divorce and still living at home) acknowledges the respect he owes to the ones at home and is not a hypocrite, he will not cheat. A descent man will do his best to move out and be clear about his feelings before cheating.

On the other hand, I would never put myself in a position of taking revenge on that woman; why would I step down to her stature. Also, I would have to be sure that she has not been lied to by him. He is the one responsible and accountable for the cheating. He is the one I would be clear with regarding my rights as a wife. If I know that I have been a good woman and he is playing around just for the heck of it, he will have to pack his bags and go. If I had children, I would stay and will get everything that is in my right to have. If I did not have children, I would walk away.

As a dignified woman, I would never disrupt a marriage seeking for some adventure. If I have the opportunity to face her I would tell her to be careful the same does not happen to her, but she already knows, I am sure.


AnnaCia profile image

AnnaCia 3 years ago

Ohh! Another thing. Moving on when you know your husband has cheated on you is not an easy thing to do. It is a process, as a friend of mine told me once, a conscious process for a better and healthier life. I would not compete or fight for somebody who prefer to lie and be promiscuous, heck no! I would cry and be sad and angry at him. But I have my options in life.


AprilMei 3 years ago

Well I blame both my ex and the other "woman". It takes 2 to tango. I only blame the other woman, whom he left me for due to the fact that she knew about me and spent 4 months in the shadow waiting for him to end it with me. She told me she knew "my move out date" he planned on kicking me out. But before I caught him cheating he was telling me he loved me and wanted to start our own business together with marriage and kids. Although we were in a live-in 4 year relationship it felt like we were already married.

Going through his emails and fake Facebook account he created under a fake name to "hide" from me I had seen that he was cheating with more than 7 women, but the main girl was the one asking about our relationship problems and bashing me and saying she wanted him. Reading the lies my ex told her blaming me justifying his infidelity made me sick because he NEVER told me he felt unhappy, instead he praised me and made it seem like we were doing good. But everyone knew he was cheating, his family & friends. I was the last to know and was humiliated.

I wanted revenge, instead I contacted the other girl and told her I knew about her/them, she lied just like him and said its not like that their just friends...wow, he found someone just as pathetic like him. I even got pregnant and didn't know until I was kicked out. He ignored my attempts of contact so I told her and she said I was lying, its like she is the female version of him. Birds of a feather flock together --they don't have a healthy stable relationship and just put on a show, she even stalked me on Twitter calling me a bitch and saying me ex doesn't want me, I didn't have his baby- she's very immature just like him...so now my revenge is to ignore and be kind and live happily ever after. They are BOTH the bad guys, she openly admitted she "won". And going through everything my ex put me through I don't want him back, knowing he left me and has sex with women like her makes me disgusted. I was his longest relationship, I guess because I believe in through thick & thin, I am the opposite of my ex in every way and felt real feelings, but because he didn't, it was meant to end, and now they have each other and most likely won't make it past the "infatuation" stage. It makes me happy to know that they ended up together and will just do the same to each other.


Ashli Fichtner Ash - Kent's worst enemy 2 years ago

Prepare to lose everything and everyone you love.


ShockedByTheHate 9 months ago

From both an empathetic and sympathetic POV, I can understand many of the opinions of the women expressed above, including in the article itself. However, it also makes me sad to see the extreme shortage of kindness, forgiveness, SELF-ESTEEM and self-love, compassion and understanding, all which are pivotal components of love and healing, without which you're only causing yourself a significant deal of torture, much more than any person external to you. That includes the whole slew of the above-stated.

More than the unexpected difficult circumstances of infidelity occurring (quite ubiquitously, I might add...which may indicate innate trends of human nature and "weaknesses" we all experience, rather than anyone uniquely or intentionally "hurting" anyone else), I see a general personality trend on this website where the central focus is to find external "blame" along with an uncanny focus of being the poor "wronged victim." It's sad and pathetic actually, and it breaks my heart. It seems people, women in particular, have unrealistic and overly romanticized expectations and ideas of who and what their husbands and men in general should and should not be, or be doing. Perhaps this is due to a false instillation by our idealistic, but often not practical, society.

It all comes down to a person's personality. If your husband (or wife) happens to be the type that is naturally able to be monogamous for their entire life, and you are too, great for you two. If not, UNLESS THERE WAS INTENTIONALLY MALICIOUS INTENTION TO HURT, no one is to "blame," Its just how some people are, and the way in which some are led astray in the course of living their lives. It's nothing anyone external from that individual can control or change, just like no one can control your behavior. ALL you can control is your own behavior and your own self and inner peace, and your inner peace shouldn't have been so dependent on another person to begin with, even in marriage. Hurting others, even if if "feels good" to hurt the "other women" only really degrades your soul in the end. I completely agree that being cheated on is less than ideal and a painful situation, but betrayed partnerships happen every minute of every day, in far worse ways than a husband sleeping with another woman, which has literally occurred since the beginning of humanity. Its almost humorous how personally some women take the actions of another person separate from their self, as if they had control of their surroundings in the first place. With some key exceptions of legitimate ABUSE, a woman who is cheated on is not some unique or special "victim." It's NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. A man's behavior was never in your hands in the first place, the only control you ever had was for YOURSELF, and even that to a limited extent. You vowed to love through the good and the bad, and sometimes the bad includes personality traits that include cheating. You signed up for that in taking that vow, whether you were aware of it at the time or not.

If my husband cheated on me, I would understand and forgive both him AND the woman. If he made decisions that I decided were not conducive to my or my family's long-term well-being, then I would act accordingly, out of love and not vengeance. That may include staying and working it through and it may include divorce. Vengeance and anger about something that I never had control over in the first place only hurts me and those around me, and perpetuates wounds (and wrinkles ladies!). Forgiveness, understanding and love HEALS and solves problems. Women need to WAKE UP and realize their self-worth is very separate from any action of any man OR any person in general, no matter the level of trust you may've thought existed. Even if the relationship is heavily faith-based, the answer under God is understanding and forgiveness toward the weak and those who are led astray, not in some faraway foreign land, but right there beside you in your bed! And the other women involved also. I pray for all of you who hold on to anger and vengeance to let go, and to instead exert your energies toward living the progressive life you deserve, not being a slave to the actions of others, even if it is your husband. Please let's just be realistic about who we are as humans, which can sometimes include WEAKNESS, and focus on what we DO have control over which is compassion and love. There really is no excuse for not practicing those simple acts, no matter WHAT the surrounding circumstances around us may be.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 9 months ago from Canada Author

I don't even really know where to begin with your comments ^ and I'm a little confused as to why you are taking the time to read this, and judge others so harshly - especially since you have stated "if my husband ever cheated on me..."

These are real feelings women struggle with when betrayed and everyone is entitled to feel what they feel and to heal in a way most beneficial to them. It's a process...

To be honest you seem neither empathetic or sympathetic, just extremely judgemental of a situation you've expressed you have not personally experienced.

In saying all that, I do agree that healing and forgiveness are the end goal but forgiveness is for our own healing, not a gift we give to the person who hurt us. It's about letting go and learning and growing.


8 months ago

I just want to say thank you for this post. I've been struggling with my husbands affair, and it's a fatal attraction to where she harrassed me and continues to harrass me . The relationship between them is over has been over but I feel she can't and won't let go even that there's a restraining order out against the husband. it seems no one really understands what the betrayed spouse is actually going through and then on top of that dealing with a fatal attraction dummy that wants him still . Thank you for this post. But how do you really recover from the lies, betrayal , hurt and anger? How?


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

S.......You recover by coming to terms with knowing with all your heart what you want most of all & what you are willing to accept & deal with in order to have what that is.

If you truly LOVE your husband & see him as worth your forgiveness & devotion, then understand that he made a serious mistake as all humans do within their lives. Give him time to deal with his guilt & remorse as you deal with your broken heart.......You will both heal.

Go forward together and focus on one another and making your marriage better & stronger. Use your head, heart & soul as well as common sense as you put the past behind you and be happy in the moment.

Treat one another as you would want to be treated yourself & be proud of your ability to make it through a storm, together.


AnnaCia profile image

AnnaCia 8 months ago

Evidently, that woman is really with a married man and she have to pay. I could say that I will applaud this sick behavior. On the other hand, in my case, He is the one to pay for being unfaithful, he is the one who lies. The relation is between that man and his spouse. I would give cero attention, because that will be a waste of time. HE is the one who decided to be dishonest to his wife. He would have to sit and explain, and listen to everything I think of him. Forget the woman...make him suffer in many ways and then...move along.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 6 weeks ago from Canada Author

It's really hard to recover, it truly is! You think that you're well on your way and then something triggers you and you're back at square one. The greatest healer is time. It's not an easy answer and it takes time. I stayed for four years and realized I didn't have it in me to forgive and forget so I left the marriage. I think some people can make it work but I was dealing with a narcissist who wasn't authentic in his remorse. I hope you find happiness and healing.

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