Self Worth and Staying in a Relationship

Self Worth and Staying in a Relationship

 

What exactly is self worth?  Is it truly defined by words alone, or does one need to see actions accompany those words as well?  My self worth fluctuates between empowerment and self destruction; as if comparing the powers of the sweltering sun to the power of pond scum.  On days where I feel empowered, I refuse to accept the occasional negative comments, glances or suggestions that I am not the person that he is looking for.  Things about me he feels need to be changed.  On days when I feel that all we have worked for in this relationship is slipping through my fingers because of his sudden alienation or refusal to express his thoughts, I turn to jelly and I no longer have legs, rather I am a lifeless blob that sits and and produces liquid that cannot be stopped until I am fed some type of apology or recognition of the existence of my sorrows.

It is frustrating to me, that I cannot yet find a happy median, where I can realize that I am lovable with faults and dynamic with the strengths I bring to the relationship. 

We both question what we feel about ourselves and realize that in order for the two of us to form a bond that will be strong enough to withstand our intermittant tribulations that surface sporadically in our relationship, we must first fight and kill the demons within that continue to repossess our souls; making it difficult to move forward without fear.

The fantasy of marriage is like a cloud over my head... beautiful in sight, stormy in memory of mine past, and somewhat transparent and not concrete where the future is concerned. 

I guess my goal should be not hovering between present and the future.  I should plant myself where I am now, nurture and feed the self doubt, the anger that arises within the two of us over our inability to console ourselves when we are in the midst of great self doubt, and make sure that our roots are strong enough to sprout outward toward a future that goes beyond the present week.

We love each other.  No doubt.  I often wonder, however, is love enough?  Is that all it takes?  Can love conquer all?  Or, do factors beyond our control and vision dictate a future already mapped out?  Is my Karma out of whack?  Or does it evade me because I've never been able to perform a necessary exorcism to erase my heart of all the pain I've suffered before I met this man?

I guess time will tell.  Focus, conversation, affirmation and love will line the path.  I will continue to walk the walk with him for now.  Neither of us are confident enough in ourselves to commit completely.  There is always that shadow of self doubt shaking its ugly, domineering finger our way.  I wish I could grab it and destroy it.  My fear is that if I do, what will I have to cling to when I am uncertain?  What will be my crutch?  I will have to stand on my own and look at myself... raw, naked and ashamed; for having allowed myself to beat my ego up through the years for incidents beyond my control.

More by this Author


Comments 6 comments

Dame Scribe profile image

Dame Scribe 7 years ago from Canada

I can so totally relate. I am a single parent and getting into a relationship scares the pants off me, lol, good Hub! :)


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 7 years ago from Michigan Author

I too am a single parent Dame, and relationships are so difficult. I have had two serious relationships before this one since my divorce 7 years ago. I have tried to show my children that relationships are ways to get to know someone and whether or not you want to spend your life with them. This man, however, I chose to allow him closer by having him move in. We still struggle and its hard; I wonder sometimes if I am meant to grow old alone... do we ever get rid of the experiences of the past? I just know that he works with me 90% of the time to make things work. The other 10% is spent focusing on his own issues. I guess, the math is in my favor right now! Thanks for the help and the comment. L


Ms Chris profile image

Ms Chris 7 years ago from Ohio

Sometimes people get into relatinships thinking the man is going to cure whatever is wrong.you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else PEACE.


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 7 years ago from Michigan Author

I agree Chris; it took me a long time to figure that out


Debbie 7 years ago

I've been married for 15 years. Some days you love the other some days well.... ;) As long as the days you love them outnumber the days you well.... then all is good! Relationships, and marriage, take work and sacrifice and compromise. Pick your battles and you'll win the important ones ;) Love the faults as you love the romance and you'll find happy ever after. Trust me, the faults last longer than the romance LOL


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 7 years ago from Michigan Author

Hi Debbie, yes, you are correct...the romance dies very quickly! Relationships are hard but the right one is worth the struggle.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working