Separating the real man or men from their boy counterparts

For the ladies

I read many writings on the Internet, from time to time, about what real men do or don't do. So I started to wonder and ponder about just who those real men are that so many authors are talking about.

Now some guy can write about what real women do or don't do but this one is for the ladies in the crowd here. I have no intentions of writing about that subject, or at least not here on this hub.

Why do we seldom listen to good advice?

When we are young women we seldom listen to anything anyone tells us. We ignore all the good advice from seasoned women who have gone before us. You know, those women who've been around that corner and can tell us, from experience, just what we will find when we turn those corners.

We all say to ourselves: “Yes, yes, but it's different with us, this relationship, even though this guy was like yours, is just going to work out.”

We do this, we convince ourselves of this and we think our peers, our own age, know more. Even though we do know those peers have lived no longer than we have.

Why do we do this? Well, it's the 21st century and it seems like this scenario has gotten no better.

As young women we.............

I know, as young women, we always think our parents are old fashioned, and if they are not willing to discuss relationships, the pitfalls of bad ones and good sex choices, well then they are old fashioned. Even in 2011, many young girls get their sex education from movies and TV shows, which of course, do not offer any discussions or even any moral guidance. Way too often, TV shows even encourage bad sex choices and relationships on reality shows that glorify those bad choices and glamorize them. Let's face it, TV is out to make money, any way they can, so TV is not interested in how our daughter's view good or bad choices. Guidance is not old fashioned because times may change, but human nature usually does not.

Just who in heck are those 'real' men?

So who are the real men and is there any way we can recognize them and identify them when so many boys disguised in bodies of grown men, are out there? Maybe we can take a look at just what makes a man a man.

1) Boys tend to play house, men build homes. This is quite true. Boys want to play at relationships, often skipping from woman to woman to see what they can score or to simply toy with a woman's affections, not really intending to grow up emotionally anytime too soon. They may want to live with a woman, but never really commit very well to the idea of one man, one woman so they end up playing house, not really giving the relationship their full attention, hoping it will all fall into place with little or no effort on their part. Boys tend to simply shack up. Real men get married.These guys aren't too difficult to spot, if you pay attention, that is.

2) Boys make babies, men raise children. A boy refuses to raise his own children. A real man will raise his own and often will help raise another person's children too, this happens when a man may have not had a real woman in the first marriage, or they didn't work out so he marries again. Marrying a woman, who has children already, doesn't phase a real man, he just loves the woman enough to help raise her kids too.

3) Boys will often invent excuses for their failures. Real men are always thinking up strategies for success, being too busy to dwell on and invent excuses for what happened or what went wrong.

4) Boys look for someone to take care of them, while real men look for someone to take care of. I often think of this one when I think of a woman I know who ran up her credit card to take care of her guy. He never seemed to hold a job, or never seemed to have any money for gas or other things in life. Too many boys in men suits use women.

5) Boys tend to seek popularity, whether they deserve it or not. Real men demand respect and know how to give respect back. This one is a really big topic for me since my present marriage is a good one because I learned, finally, how to tell a real man from the boys I was dating for far too many years.

Just my take on things

This hub is simply my take on things I have observed, and sometimes experienced, in relationships. I have found it to be a good idea to date someone for at least a year, if you think it might be serious. I find that while anyone can fool anybody for a short time, it's almost impossible to fool someone for a year. While dating, observe how the object of your affection acts in all situations. How he treats people, even when dining out or shopping. Don't fall into the trap of: "But I love him, he'll change."

The only way we can change anyone is if they are wearing diapers. Remember that!

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Comments 33 comments

diogenes 5 years ago

Hi Bobbi. I read this although it was on the distaff agenda. Now, what makes a good woman? Women are so in charge and spoiled in Britain. The men just go to work, don't talk; don't express an opinion. The women go out together and get drunk while the men watch the kids. 90% of the goods in shops are for women; men spend so little on themselves in 2011 Britain it's hardly worth carrying stock for them. Is it the same in the USA? Has it really become a woman's world now or is it just here we have a matriachal society? Bob

writeronline 5 years ago

Er, sorry to intrude, Bobbi. But before the ladies arrive, can I just say I agree with what you're saying, (no surprise , given that hub I wrote / you read about marriage..).

Also, it seems to me that girls / women (certainly around where I live, close to big surf beaches) are often their own worst enemies. They fall for buff airheads on whose arm they look good, put out in a heartbeat, tolerate being treated like shit by boys in men's bodies whose only non-sexual experience of the opposite gender is their mother, with whom they frequently still live, and by whom they're frequently indulged to the point where they're almost incapable of ever making the transition from fun to fidelity.

My advice (I'm an old guy, indulge me..) to women looking for true love and real commitment is to look beyond the body, and the one-night prowess, and spend the time discovering the heart, and soul of that quiet, sincere guy who *hasn't* come on to you.

The father of a guy I grew up with used to remind his daughters that "You never can tell the depth of the well by the length of the handle of the pump"

Still holds true today, imo. :)

FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

So the first two comments are from men..on a hub written for women. Some irony to that and the fact that the first one doesn't actually comment on your points..although in a way it does...

As for me, oh, yes I have a lot of "boys" in my family and among my friends. It's one of the reasons why I've never been in a hurry to be married. There have been exceptions. But those men tend to be already married and way too old for me

writeronline 5 years ago

Hey, I did apologise for intruding, FBR! :)

FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

What do you think of the first comment???

writeronline 5 years ago

Weeelll,I don't know about the shopping, but the rest of it kinda sounds like what happens here. Young women give it away, so have no leverage. More mature women sure don't need guys around them to get on with their lives -social lives certainly. I think it reflects badly on men, who are remaining boys too long. they're allowing themselves to become an irrelevance to discerning women, beyond providing a 'physical indulgence' on call.

What did you think of the second comment??:)

FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

WOL: I don't put up with men who treat me badly no matter what the relationship. There are family members from whom I've cut myself off in general. That being said, an abusive husband or boyfriend can become a stalker. luckily, no one I know has dealt with that. as for still living with parents, well--there is a similar theme to that. My brother is married with children, living in his own home-but whenever there is a crisis, he gets Dad to fix it. My brother is 44.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland

2 and 4 all the way bobbi. I still am in deep thought that woman are just suckers for romance. We go all google eyed and ga ga as if we have suddenly become brain dead. I often say to my male friends "Minds and trousers boys," but seriously girls, let us focus on brain power first. A passionate night in the sack is little payment for a life of misery if we don't find the right partner. So my friend bobbi, were are all the real men? x

Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

If I had been woman enough to listen to my own gut, my life would have been different. But, since I can't go back, I must move forward. Experience has been a tough teacher with "no excuses" accepted.

Great topic and well-written truth, Bobbi. Thank you for the reminder.

Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

There's a lot of sage advice in what you've written and I totally agree with all of it especially this sentence:

"Guidance is not old fashioned because times may change, but human nature usually does not." Hope some young women will think about your advice but as we know, human nature being what it is that's not very likely to happen. Sadly, if they don't heed it, they'll have to learn by painful life experience. I commend Amy for her comment, and FloraBreenRobison who, though relatively young is wise enough not to put up with any men who treat her badly.

I also liked Writeronline's advice which I feel is sage: "My advice (I'm an old guy, indulge me..) to women looking for true love and real commitment is to look beyond the body, and the one-night prowess, and spend the time discovering the heart, and soul of that quiet, sincere guy who *hasn't* come on to you."

b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago

Well "Young Women" have to make their own mistakes...I think as you Mature, we listen better...And as a Woman, I'd like to Think that I am still growing and learning, always learning. I Loved your last paragraph Bobbi, it sums it all up so Beautifully. Excellent Hub on the Subject on Separating the Men from the Boys as well as (I might add)...The Girls from the Real Women!

always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

Ah, If we only had a crystal ball..No such luck..We live and learn and hopefully don't make the same mistake twice...Great article Bobbi...

charmgirl profile image

charmgirl 5 years ago from Tasmania

Great advice Bobbi.So many men are mummy's boys these days instead of independent individuals.So many of them can't cook or use a washing machine and expect their wives to be substitute mothers.In my marriage, I grew up but my husband didn't!

randslam profile image

randslam 5 years ago from Kelowna, British Columbia

The term "real man" has been so overused, misused, under-appreciated that fiction may be the best genre to place the archaic term.

Real women are just as extinct.

Perhaps, a new term should be "evolving humans"?

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

diogenes: That must be in the UK because in America it seems we work like guys do and American men do not have jobs either right now in this bad economy. Thanks so much for commenting.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

writeronline: LOL You are not intruding. I didn't mean to imply only women can answer. It's nice to see you and diogenes offer up a man's viewpoint too. I'm an equal opportunity hubber. Thanks so much for the great comment.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

FloraBreenRobison: Well you know me, I like irony too. I must agree that sometimes the pickings are slim. But I never consider anyone too old, but I know it's a matter of personal preference. Thanks so much for commenting.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

thebluestar: You are right, we, as young women, can hear advice until our ears drop off and still we sometimes think we are 'different.' Thanks so much for commenting.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

Amy Becherer: Ahhhhh I'm not sure it is a matter of being 'woman enough' but as we age we learn more to listen to our gut feelings because they are correct. We always think it will work out for the best. LOL We haven't become jaded yet. :0) Thanks so much for commenting.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

Happyboomernurse: Hi! I agree, I've gotten some great comments here from everyone who has stopped by. Sage advice is good if some young woman reads it and takes heed, I agree with you. Thanks so much for adding to the great comments here.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

b. Malin: Yes, I think you are right. I suppose many of us have to learn by doing, but we can only hope someone along the way listens. Yes, the girls from the women is good too. Thanks so much for commenting.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

always exploring: Hello, hello! Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed the article. Yes, wouldn't a crystal ball have been nice? But I guess maybe some of us, probably me, would not have heeded even the crystal ball's advice. Thanks so much for commenting.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

charmgirl: You are right, many guys are spoiled. This is why when I made my boys cook for themselves, at a certain age, I told them: "One day, some woman will thank me." Thanks so much for commenting.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

randslam: I have to tend to agree with you. The term is very much over used. Perhaps you are right, evolving humans would be better. Thanks so much for commenting.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Bobbi, your criteria for real men is impressive and certainly hits the bull's eye. But why are women not able to understand this when they are young? And so often for the rest of their lives.

I've come to the conclusion that nature just forces us to ensure the survival of the human race. Nature doesn't give a damn whether we are happy or not.

Relevant topic, voted up and important.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York Author

MartieCoetser: Hi! I guess women, especially young ones, always are the optimists until we wise up, thinking we will be 'different' which of course is not how it turns out. Thanks so much for commenting and thanks for the votes.

Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 5 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

Gosh I just agree with all of if.

~pats broke single childless self on back~

onegoodwoman profile image

onegoodwoman 4 years ago from A small southern town

Long time, no see..........

Your title, took me years back to a lonesome Texas stretch of endless hiway.

My hubby and I were well on our way to wherever we were going..........we came across 2 stranded vehicles, 2 women, and a dozen ( it seemed so ) children.

The women were sisters-in-laws, and the children, all cousins.

The second vehicle, stopped, because the first one , for whatever forgotten reason, had malfunctioned.

Now, my hubby, is the kind of guy, who will 'rescue', from his 2 AM sleep, or, as he comes across you on the roadway.

He stopped to offer assistance to the ladies........and, because, I was also along, they were confident in accepting his help.....

They described the condition of the vehicle, how it acted, reacted, and then failed to him something to diagnois. As the conversation normally developed, it became evident.......

each of the ladies had called their respective husbands, telling them, where they were broken down ( with kiddies in tow...).........the answer they received........

" we will be on our way, just as soon as THE GAME is over"...............

If ever, my hubby, left me and our children stranded on the hiway, until the game was over..............I would call him everything except a full grown man!

A man does what needs to be done, even, when it is not what he wishes to do. ( do we ask anything less of ourselves, as women?)

swb78 profile image

swb78 4 years ago from Gainesville Georgia

Great Hub Bobbi,

I was in a group of men one time and one guy was talking about how tough he was--an older guy said to him "I`ll tell you what tough is young man...someone who earns a living, works, and takes care of his family."

I heard another guy say that "Boys do what they want, men do what they have to." Love your writing--SWB

arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon

How do I pass up something that says "for ladies"? If I'm prohibited, I'm sneaking in! Anyway, really enjoyed this piece. I thought your 5 points were insightful markers.One I see everyday, If there are things you think you will change in him, run from him; If you would keep him as he is, run to him.

BTW, couldn't help but smile at "real men get married". I wrote a hub entitled the same, but, have since change the title to "Marriage ain't for sissies".

Anyway, glad I stopped by.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 4 years ago from New York Author

arb: Hi, welcome to my hub! I'm so glad you stopped by and I truly enjoyed reading and discovering your hubs too. Thanks so much for commenting.

ILovePink 4 years ago

"real men" are hard to find since they rarely get any attention from girls.

"real men" see that the boy, the douche, the asshole gets the girl while he doesn't. Since most men are result oriented, they put on a fake act, and manages to get the girl just like the asshole did. I see it all the time. The douche gets the girl while the real man gets ignored and therefor the real man acts like a douche to get the girl.

Purple 4 years ago

Real men disappeared when feminism appeared.

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