Sex is natural so why do people go without?

The subject of sex

The subject of human sexual behaviour is still a taboo in many places but why is this? Why is something that is so natural and in fact the only way any of us were created to begin with something that has become a topic not to be discussed with words used in connection with it thought of as disgusting language?

Not only that but why is it that years after the wake of the so-called "swinging sixties" today there are countless single people without partners and who find themselves in lives where they go without it? Why too has something that should be available to all as a normal part of life become something that is sold, and has been like this for all recorded history?

Sperm and ovum photo

Sperm and egg
Sperm and egg | Source

A Facebook survey

Personally I am interested in this subject because it is a question I have not been able to answer, and have found myself amongst the many single people who do not have a sexual life as such. Despite my positive attitudes to life, enquiring nature, intelligence, creativity and open-mindedness I have had very few sexual partners in my adult life but this has not been because I have wanted to be celibate.

I am by no means alone in this problem, which seems really insane in a world of so many billions of people, and many of them single. There are a surprising number of people who do not have partners or relationships for long periods of time, and often this is not because they don't want to.

Failure to have sexual relationships often leads to intense frustration and loneliness too. People often compensate for their lack of a natural function by turning to drink and drugs or other addictions in an effort to find the pleasure they are denied.

It seems ridiculous that a basic programme of life and a source of pleasure is denied to so many people and yet readily indulged in by all wild animals.

What makes a person successful at finding sexual relationships? It appears that intelligence and physical beauty are no guarantee of finding happiness or partners. The reverse of this is often the case that people who do not show a very high IQ and are not particularly physically attractive find relationships easy to come by.

So with these questions in mind I thought I would ask my thousands of friends at the social networking site Facebook for their views on the subject. Not surprisingly there were many replies posted and I am going to be quoting some of what I think were the best and most interesting points made below.

Facebook users have their say

Here are a selection of responses from Facebook users in reply to the following question: If sex is so popular and natural (which it is on both counts!) why do humans pay for it and why do many have to go without it a lot of the time?

The first comes from doctor, musician and artist Paul Nery. Paul comments: "Some people pay for it so they can avoid the "love" part. Some people can stay without it a lot of time because they have other priorities... and many others simply can´t stay without it ...in various degrees."

Later on he approaches the subject from an esoteric slant and talks about chakras and kundalini in response to the answer that writer, hubber and photographer Lou Purplefairy International gave. Lou had plenty to say on the subject and I think made some very valid points. She tells us: "sex itself is really not the issue, but people's perception of it, is. For example, sex is used as a means of controlling another being, giving and withholding, and many people confuse sex with love."

And goes on to explain much further. Lou continues: "Sex is also addictive, and like any other addiction people have an attachment to it, and define themselves by it. Often it is the only means of control over their life that they have. This true of both men and women, for women because they feel less empowered emotionally in other areas of their lives, and for men because they feel inadequate in the face of other male competition in more physical areas of life.

To truly enjoy sex, firstly and most esentially, you should have a compatible partner, who thinks along the same wavelength as you do. Sex fulfils human needs of closeness and intimacy that cannot be shared in other ways, however, the differences between the responses of men and women open up this combination to a myriad of variables..."

She moves on to talk about chakras and kundalini to which Paul responded. The chakras, by the way, are a series of energy centres believed to exist from the bottom of a human body up to the top of the head. Kundalini is an energy that can rise up them and activate them with its power. It is often thought of as being like a serpent of divine energy: "As for those who pay for it and those who sell it, my view is that while there are men and woman who cannot communicate openly in a relationship, or find balance within their own lives and close down the sacral and base chakras and move the Kundalini consciousness into the solar plexus, heart, or brow chakra, people will always need the services of those angels who are willing to allow their bodies to be used to satisfy the emotional and physical needs of others, often at the detriment of themselves."

Lou brings up the possibility that the chakras can become unbalanced: "...as people discover more about themselves, they become less inclined to seek the trappings of a "relationship" as they have not yet leaned how to heal their own emotional damage (and therefore cant cope with a loving healthy human to human relationship,) yet their physical needs are not met as they have an inability to shut down the lower chakras. Consequently the chakras become unbalanced and need to be rebalanced short term with sex, satisfying the emotional and physical needs in the short term..."

Paul Nery's response to this was to say: "For the Kundalini to flow , you have to keep all the chakras open , so the energy will flow throughout the whole astral body , then you can channel it through the chakra you want . To shut down one single chakra is to break the balance of your inner self. To develop the siddhis , the wheels must keep on turning in an adequate way."

Bringing matters back to a more physical level, Nicola Hampsey had this point to make: "Some people are just not sexually attractive and they end up having to pay for it because its the only way they can get sex without breaking the law."

Wlllow Jacky suffers from a chronic illness in her spine that causes her much pain and exhaustion, and as a consequence she has been living alone for the past five years, however, she had this to say: "... to be honest it's liberating as i don't have to play a roll for anyone, or make concessions for them, i now enjoy my own space to be my own person, as scruffy as i like and as messy as i like with no one nagging." With this I can concur because I have been on my own for the past 10 years at least and like Jacky can please myself how I live.

Simon Bailey had a lot to say on the subject too including this: "Sex should be free and enjoyed by all. It is after all what we were put on this earth for, to procreate.Cast your minds back to the Roman times where orgies were the norm? There was no shame then in group sex. This was taken away by modern day religion and the invention of monogamy in marriage in the western world. " I think he has pinpointed why it has become taboo, in one word: religion.

Simon continues to explain: "... the exploitation by some, and lack of sex by others, is caused by none other than religion in our modern lifetime, where we have been taught that sex is dirty, and we have been fed and taught morally and ethically through religion, that sex is only for a purpose of procreating. We have robbed ourselves as a human race of one the fundamental pleasures we were given by our creator as a gift."

Artist Orion Hale said: "Sex is a problem if you're single and not getting any, I agree. But it's not a problem if you're with someone compatible. Each to their own regarding that one. Although there are moral choices, such as celibacy, but that doesn't work, as everything in nature has it's cycle and season."

Sean Donovan, who is also an artist and a singer-songwriter, liked the question I had asked and responded as follows. "This is a great question, similar in some respects to money or wealth, and judging from the answers so far the feedback is polarised into two gender camps...if we were once single celled animals there must be a biological plus that moved us into our present male/female pairing...this brings up another question, gender...transgender and homosexuality...I can only suggest we are male or female by chance and that our sexuality is universal - we share humanity more than gender and its attendant variety."

Margaret Hankin summed it all up well when she came up with this response: "Steve, your answer is in your question. Because it is so popular and natural it can be used to control others including paying for it and going without."

© 2011 Steve Andrews

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Comments 79 comments

Ashantina profile image

Ashantina 5 years ago

I'm glad you've put this 'out there'. I think alot of people are not totally honest with themselves about their sexual needs and wants because of fear of their own Selves. And judgement. Unfortunately even just talking about sex brings blushes, pursed lips or 'I can't believe she said that!!' which kind of fazes me.

I think people go without it because of the point mentioned in the article 'so they can avoid the love part'. Esp for women it 'can' be hard to separate the two..

I didn't quite understand the kundalini/chakra stuff here.. too scientific! I think we need to be simplistic about sex.. and express it 'simply, authentically and Naturally'.

Thanks for sharing.


Lou Purplefairy profile image

Lou Purplefairy 5 years ago from Southwest UK

Absolutely brilliant Steve. Very well balanced and informative article, which will serve to help many, many people.

If it doesn't get people talking, then it will certainly get people thinking which is fantastic!


Vrijdag Pages 5 years ago

Yes, a good piece. As one of those 'single' people I find it hard to get a relationship 'held down', excuse the pun. But there are other factors introduced to this. I as a disabled person am overlooked for partner material, for reasons women desire in later life.

I read a book on this once, and the author hit the nail on the head about what men want in woman and vise-versa.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for your great feedback, Ashantina, Lou and Vrijdag!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

In order to control the people, religious leaders have imbued us with shame, and in particular, shame of our sexual beings, even going to far as to dictate what positions, when and why sex is acceptable. Nothing has screwed up mankind more than this. Now, instead of a healthy,fun, natural appetite, sex is something dark. That's my take. And it explains why sexual gratification is now just another commodity to be bought and sold. How we manage to take this happy part of life and make it so complicated is one of the big mysteries of our history. Well put, Bard. And a good question. Too bad we really don't have any answers. Lynda


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you, Lynda! I was just thinking that in the Hare Krishna cult it is taken as far as the belief that sex is not for our enjoyment and is only for procreation, which is in agreement with what you have posted.


tugbo200-5 5 years ago

Another great hub Steve.

My take on it and it may be off track,I think sex is fantastic but confused as why,,Men are into it (no pun)

until death,,women seem to lose all desire soon after menopause,what's up with that ?


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Well, Tugbo200-5, thank you for posting but once again we will have to agree to disagree because I know women who are very much wanting and enjoying sex after menopause. I suggest you check out Guru Rasa Von Werder for a start whom I have interviewed on here:http://hubpages.com/entertainment/Kellie-Everts-ak...


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest

I can agree with the person who mentioned religion- that's one reason it is taboo. You also have parents out there who don't want to ncessarily teach or tell their kids about the joys. I plan educating my daughter and part of that education includes the nitty gritty, honesty about sex, which is the pitfalls of it- like STD's, one that can cause women to get cervical cancer and the obvious, pregnancy.

I think for many women, we require more to give sex to somebody. We realize there is much more at stake for us if we have sex than for men. Women are the ones who can get pregnant and are more likely to contract and STD than a man and there are hormone issues. We can also easily get infections "down there" from having sex- UTI's,etc. How appealing does that all sound to you? If there were no consequences then yes I would agree it is natural and fun and all that, but considering consequences, people my think twice before doing "it". This was a great hub and topic.


tugbo200-5 5 years ago

Steve

I didn't mean it to sound that way so I'll say ,A lot of women lose the desire.

I have just left the site of the link you posted,Wow

what an interesting read,going back to finish.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

I can quite categorically state that sexual desire does not disappear after menopause. In fact, loss of fertility only liberates the act from those concerns. Remember, there are many who never do find much joy in sex (in both sexes) and look for any excuse to let it drop. Here's a turnaround, for many women, sexual desire is even stronger after menopause -- at an age where so many men lose the ability. What's up with that?


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for your comments izettl, tugbo200-5 and Lynda!

Lynda, I would agree with what you have to say based on women I know!

Tugbo, Rasa,thinks we should be enjoying and celebrating sex because it is divine and she is looking for a harem of men!


tugbo200-5 5 years ago

tell her to call me lol


Svea profile image

Svea 5 years ago from Florida

Often sexual intensity is high during the early stages of a relationship. Later than wanes but of course, it doesn't have to mean the end of sex; in fact, it can be more intimate sex. However, in a partnership there are many factors that intrude such as the health and therefore the sex drive of a partner. Many women learned early on that you don't have to have a partner to have a sex life. It is certainly different than with a partner but nonetheless it can be satisfying. There are really two separate topics relationships and sexual health and release.


Druid Dude profile image

Druid Dude 5 years ago from West Coast

Why do some people go without? Most places deem prostitution illegal, and, besides, have you seen the ones who consistantly go without? There's a reason why some people shouldn't procreate, but soon, the japanese will perfect the first production prototype Stepford Wife. They'll sell like hotcakes. The male version is still ten years down the road. LOL!


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for posting your comments Svea amd Druid Dude!


Ign Andy profile image

Ign Andy 5 years ago from Green Home Office

Great hubs Bard of Ely, a great subject. But in many Asia countries this subject is not just a matter of taboo, but you might go to jail and end up in hospital.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

Yo Bard! I don't understand it all at all. I stay home every night waiting on some hot chick to show up and she never does. Happy hunting!


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Ign, your comment says a lot about how crazy the situation is. Thanks for posting! Thank you too, Micky!


SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 5 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

...great hub...figure there are a few reasons...religion pops up...and how many women desire the emotional connection as a complement to the sexual act/release...

...i find it ridiculous that even using the proper terms for genitalia gets some folks blushing...

and Yo MD!....yor gonna have to get out for a ride...a slower one tho, so you can see her just as she's about to knock....lol


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thanks for commenting, Someway!


Ingenira profile image

Ingenira 5 years ago

I think there are too many answers to the question that there is no one single answer to it. The answer lies in each individual.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for your comments too, Ingenira!


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

GREAT Hub Bard!

GREAT comments that followed! Thank you so much for opening up this topic!

Celibacy is a valid choice! I would love to reach the furthest edges of Kundalini bliss with a kindred soul in body! Those who understand sexuality as one way to connect with the Divine aren't often enticed by base distractions!

Thanks again for the GREAT writing! EarthAngel!


LillyGrillzit profile image

LillyGrillzit 5 years ago from The River Valley, Arkansas

Bard of Ely! This is a tough topic. There is a state of being called Incel. Inadvertently Celibate.

Healthy, normal and often attractive people who may even at one time enjoyed sex, could have had sexual trauma that can cause a normally healthy sexual being to become incapable of having intimate relations at all.

Not much is written about it, like who wants to admit and talk about That! Great Hub as usual. Voted up and shared. This is a dire problem that seems to be growing.


Deerwhisperer profile image

Deerwhisperer 5 years ago from Bradenton, Florida

Personally I like Willow Jackie's answer.


Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

This article is awesome. Oh by the way I lived in Oceanside at one time.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for your comments, Earth Angel, LillyGrillzit, Deerwhisperer and Mrs. J.B.!


Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

If you have time, check out part 2 of the Sunday Hub Awards that I write each week. I think you might enjoy it.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

I will have a look! Thank you for alerting me!


TSimmone 5 years ago

I was celibate for almost two years about eight years ago (sooooooooooooooooo not the case now!). And though it started out of a lack of a partner (other then myself...TMI?) once I embraced my solitude it was then I decided to be celibate and lived the next 22 months without sex. And wouldn't you know, it was one of the most sexually liberating experiences I have had. I felt so powerful...so extra sexy. And I listend to Prince everyday in the morning while getting ready for work-lol! Hey, sexy is as sexy does! But, yeah, I loved it...and it was a great learning experience as well.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for sharing that!


bugslady8949 profile image

bugslady8949 5 years ago from The Bahamas

I am 21 years old and I have never been in a relationship and I am happy. I think you did a get hub on sex.it has been abused but we humans need it. you did a great job.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for posting, bugslady8949! I am glad you appreciated my hub!


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 5 years ago

I have been in a previous relationship where sex was not part of her or her future.Maybe through years of taboo brainwashing.I never bought it and now I am on with a very wonderful relationship where sex is eagerly enjoyed and a very big part of my life.I wouldn't have it any other way.You expressed so many good points and what a great topic for endless discussions.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for your feedback, DREAM ON!


abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

Someone with a like mind; refreshing. Sex is natural and I think a lot of people are afraid of society's views of them if they have casual sexual relationships but I am not one of those people. As I also don't believe in organized religion; I am not bound by religious rules of such behavior as well. I just got a divorce yet I still have sex with my exhusband for why not? That certainly wasn't a problem of ours.

Most men I meet have far less sexual partner's then I have had I am by no means what society would say a "slut". I do have morals and don't randomly sleep with people I don't know. They average between ten and twelve partners. Why is this I wonder? So I am not far off your train of thought. However I do have personal morals as I don't do one night stands or have sex with people I don't know. Sex is still a meaningful act with a friend. Friends with benefits if you will for if I don't "get laid" I am a mega bitch. That or getting a tattoo...lol...seems to be my stress reliever. Friends with benefits women tend to get emotionally involved thus incapable of seperating what can turn into a relationship and what can't. Well if you need my take on this subject please ask any questions you want. I have nothing to hide and my life an open book.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you sharing your thoughts on the matter, Abbykorinnelee!


abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

Anytime:) Inspired an idea I had to write a new poem...gotta find inspiration some places...funny too yours I read and I go check messages in facebook and lo and behold one of my "friends"...you are my good luck charm today...lol


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

I am glad to hear it! :)


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

I love to read about the ancient fertility rituals in honor of the Mother Goddess. Attitudes changed. Is it myth or fact that knights used to make their wives wear chastity belts when they were leaving to fight in wars? Certainly religion has played a major role, but fear of pregnancy and disease are important factors, too.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for your feedback, mysterylady!


Liam Hannan profile image

Liam Hannan 5 years ago

If I might offer another perspective?

The Represssive Fallacy (that Religion and Victorian Morals stop us talking about/enjoying sex) doesn't bear out when one investigates the history of it. In many ways our current understanding of sex as shameful derives not from religious tradition but from the pathological instruments we have deployed in an attempt to understand it.

The reduction of sex (and, by a cultural extension which still persists) the female body, to biological functions did more to pervert our understanding than religion ever did.[1] Prior to the pathologisation of sex it was understood largely as an act of communion (the Greeks saw the sexual act as passing on knowledge from teacher to student, the Church saw it as replicating the image of God through the physical union of what He had joined in spirit) and as a dignified social phenomenon.

I would argue that it is this very pathological treatment of sex that has created the group of "sexless" adults you identify. These people do tend to be middle aged, middle class and of above average intelligence. It should seem odd that they exist on their own except when you remember that by treating sexuality as a biological function we are encouraged to approach it as animals. (Hence the sort of mating rituals we see in nightclubs, where alcohol and drugs stimulate more than wit or charm).

The idea of sex as transcendent or as communion has vanished as we expose our sex to more scrutiny (and there is more; medical papers, magazine articles, self help books - you name it) because the discourse further entrenches the idea of sex as only a base function, which rules out the capacity for transcendental sexuality of the intellect.

Sorry - that's a bit longer than I'd intended really...

[1] - If you read Foucault's "History of Sexuality" you can find that it wasn't until the 17/18th century (well past the Golden Age of Catholic Europe) that sexuality became framed in it's current terminology.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thanks for your interesting feedback, Liam, but I don't know that your explanation is the reason behind a lot of people's lives that are without sex, rather it is because they are unable to find partners for a host of reasons. In my own case mostly shyness and past rejections.

That the subject is taboo even exists here because a hub will soon get in trouble unless you are careful with your language as I have found in the past and I am not talking about four-letter words!


Mr.Moonlight profile image

Mr.Moonlight 5 years ago from Tampa (SoHo)

The Puritan ideal is still embraced by the majority. It is encouraging to see that with each generation the dialog widens.

Keep it up!


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you, Mr Moonlight!


veronicang 5 years ago

i have been educated through your article


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

I am glad you found my hub of use! Thank you for posting!


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 5 years ago from I'm outta here

I'm so happy to read this, it's great and GOOD on you for writing it. I'm not shy about talking sex. We are animals and sex is a vital part of our well being and happiness.

I love sex and keep fit and in shape to enjoy the best sex possible. It is a sort of sport and one I enjoy training for and improving on. Really give it a go and have fun! You gotta start somewhere and with a willing attitude and open mind you'll have the time of your life.

I feel many people let themselves go and feel they are no longer suitable for sex. They still need it and want it but bury the need with junk, things, material stuff, fat and lies.

Sex is good sex is great and to that I say get out there and get some, safe sex that is!

Great read on sex is natural so why do so many people go without it. Love it! :) Katie


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Sadly for me I am one of the many that do go without it simply because I have no partner and have found it increasingly difficult to get one as I have got older, not that I was much good at forming or keeping relationships when I was younger! I agree with you that it is "great" and a "vital part of our well being" so I am very well aware it is lacking in my own life! Thank you for posting, Katie!


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 5 years ago from I'm outta here

Your welcome and might i ADD, a vital key to enjoying sex is surrounding yourself with like minded people. Your so amazing at verbal communication or shall I say written, maybe you could meet people online.

Much Happiness and great sex to ALL! :) Katie


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Katie, all the women so far I am most attracted to and that I know like me are unfortunately not on this island and I cannot leave here because of my cat! She is a priority in my life and I don't think it is right to have her jabbed and chipped just so I can pursue potential relationships!


Emmeaki profile image

Emmeaki 5 years ago from Brooklyn, NY

I think that for some people religion and culture is the cause of people not having sex, even if they are not conscious of it. For women there is the "slut" mantra and no woman wants to feel "dirty" even if no one will know about her sexual encounters except her and the other person involved.

We always joke that such-and-such needs to get laid when a person is cranky and disagreeable, but in reality you feel extremely relaxed after someone gives it to you good!

I am happy that I have never been ashamed of sex. It's a part of human nature and none of us would be here without it. I refuse to go without it just because I am not in a relationship. I feel that love and sex are two different things. Great together, but I don't necessarily have to have them at the same time.

If more people divorced sex from love, romance, fireworks, and flowers, they'd be able to enjoy pure lust without any ramifications. Maybe I should write a hub about love vs. sex...


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you for this great feedback, Emmeaki!


KateWest profile image

KateWest 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

Sometimes it's a trust issue combined with our own hangups from our youth. Who knows why. But with the rest person hopefully you can communicate well enough to get beyond those barriers.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thanks for your feedback, KateWest! I think you are right about "hangups from our youth." I have always been very shy and that started in my youth and hasn't improved with age but actually become worse. So I am still looking for the right person "to get beyond those barriers" with.


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England

In my opinion patriarchal religions have done their best to separate sex from love. Men are very attracted to women on the sexual level but they get too involved, they can through sex learn to love women. If they do this, then they can be very strongly influenced by the women they love. This gave women too much power over men, which didn't suit patriarchy, so to stop this patriarchal religions had to turn sex into something sinful or dirty and encourage men to degrade women during the sex act.

I think once people are free to express love through sex then people won't have so many hang-ups about sex and it will once again become normal and natural.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Well, if you are right, William, it has failed badly with me because I have never had sex with any women I didn't love and the way it's been going it is doubtful I ever will because I don't want just sex!


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England

You probably instinctively know Steve that sex and love should go together. You may not want sex unless there is love.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Very true, William! I don't and that is why I would never pay to be with a prostitute because that is just sex and I want and need much more than that!


Sun360 profile image

Sun360 5 years ago

Interesting and very educative article which sounds so real.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thank you very much, Sun360! I write based on my reality and experiences so am glad this came over in this hub!


carolp profile image

carolp 5 years ago from Switzerland

I am conservative when it comes to sex. Sex has to be combined with love. Love and sex is a wonderful experience. For those who want sex without love is missing a part of that meaningful human emotion.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

I think like you, Carolp, and maybe that is my problem because I am not looking for just sex so unless I can find someone that I love and that loves me back including on a sexual basis then I have to remain single and missing out on a natural part of life!


ctbrown7 5 years ago

There are a lot of things that are natural or natural tendencies; however, putting things in the right context is important. Having sex with dozens of people is not going to fulfill someone's void. Reckless sexual behavior always leads to the same place--regret and remorse. Remember, everyone has base tendencies, but that doesn't mean they should be acted upon just because they are there. Sex creates intense emotional feelings and should be part of a committed marital relationship.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

ctbrown7, you say: "Sex creates intense emotional feelings and should be part of a committed marital relationship." I am inclined to agree with you in part and personally that is what I am looking for - a committed relationship! That I have been unlucky in finding this and have been on my own most of my life is a problem for me but at the same time I am well aware that there are countless other people who find themselves with a similar problem, people who are unable to meet the woman or man of their dreams, unable to find a compatible partner for a serious relationship! This seems crazy in a world with so many billions of people on it! I don't agree with you when you say "Reckless sexual behavior always leads to the same place--regret and remorse." There are many promiscuous people about who do not regret being like they are and why should they? These people clearly do not find "intense emotional feelings" from sex. That I am not one of them is besides the point. People who are like that are simply different to me. They may have far more fulfilling lives than mine.


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coexist73 5 years ago from Muskegon, Michigan

great hub, i really enjoyed it :)

If your question is why are people not having sex more often, or going without, when it is so natural and supposed to be acceptable then i guess i would have to say its because they don't want it for one reason or another. Sex IS incredibly easy to access but im assuming that is someone is going without it is because they would prefer more than just sex, or should i say, they don't want meaningless sex and the lonliness that follows a loveless encounter.

I think sexual encounters are like weather, sex with someone you don't love is like a rainy day, sure you can get through it, its nice every once in a while and some good things can come of it, but NOTHING beats a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze and a trip to the beach, which is sex with someone you love ;) this is of course just my opinion.


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Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

I am asking why is it that there are countless single people on the planet, myself included, who go without, not from choice, but simply because they have been unable to find a partner, often in many years. Such people would not agree that "Sex IS incredibly easy to access", at least sex with another person because I am not talking about masturbation. I am talking about "making love" which is another description of the same act and means what it says! In other words intercourse between people in a loving relationship. I am stating that it is a crazy situation that in a world full of people that so many are unable to find partners to make love to!


yesiamgrownman 5 years ago

I personally believe people go without sex is because their to scare to get off their butt and do something about it. Sure people say they won't love or they say they don't want to have sex with just anybody which is not a bad thing but its just an excuse to deny the fear the feel. The simple fact is you're not gonna find that special someone without putting in any effort and so many people are afraid to do that because of the fear of being rejected and sorts of other reasons. That one of the reason why a lot people consume themselves with work so they can use that excuse as a barrir.


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Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Thanks for posting although in my experience neither looking for love and taking action or not doing so work! Both have the same results!


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wabond 4 years ago from England

The problem is that we all have been taught that we live in a material world. So if we are looking for love and sex, we are told things like we must improve our chat up lines, or put an advert in a lonely hearts page or things like this. But in my experience of how of these things work out in all my relationships, have come about by 'chance'. And this has been the experience of most people I know.

So does it mean that if we find love and sex we happened to be lucky and if we don't we are unluckly? I personally don't believe that.

If we think in terms that we do not live in a material world but live in a world of mind, then our habitual thoughts about ourselves and about the opposite sex, dictates whether we are lucky in love or not.

This means that a man who believes that, "he is God's gift to women", will experience a reality where he find it easy to attract women. It also means that a man who believes that women find him unattractive, will also find it very difficult to find a woman. So it means that if we are having trouble finding love and sex, then it means we have to look at our habitual thoughts. And if we find that our habitual thinking is very negative about this subject, then we need to create habitual thoughts that are far more positive about ourselves.


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Bard of Ely 4 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

William, I think that makes a lot of sense speaking as a man who has had so little success with women I admit that I generally think why would any women I meet want to bother with me anyway, especially now I am getting old? And they don't! However, I have had relationships in which I thought the women were in love with me so was putting out positive thoughts only to get dumped and them to go off with someone else, so how does that happen? I have seen a lot of the type of men who think they are "God's gift to women" and you are right - they are very good at getting girlfriends. The problem with that though is that often they are not very nice men to begin with and they use and abuse the women they attract.


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wabond 4 years ago from England

Steve, I suppose if you have a history of being dumped then you must have a belief about this. After all, if something happens to us a number of times, then we are going to expect it. So we take it for granted it will happen to us and it does!

It is a tough one to overcome our habitual thoughts, more so, when these habitual thoughts become our reality. But the good news about this is that rejection and being dumped must create within you a very strong desire to have a very stable and loving relationship. So it is a good idea to find this powerful desire within you and then use this desire by dreaming and fantasing about how wonderful it would be, to have the stable relationship you desire. I know this can be difficult because the moment you do this, you are reminded that you don't have what you want, creating negative feelings within us. So this is why it is so important to get intouch with the powerful desires we have for what we want.

If that is too difficult then i would recommend meditation, and made positive affirmations, or visualisations of what you want, while in the state of meditation.


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MissJamieD 4 years ago from Minnes-O-ta

Great hub, thanks for sharing! I personally suffer sexually due to sex abuse as a child. I don't want pity, that's just the way it is! I love the feelings and emotions of sex like most people but I've been in an emotionally abusive marriage for fifteen years so I can't really recall those feelings anymore. It's sad really. I get to the point where I want to have sex with someone (im going through a marital separation right now thank God), but I'm afraid of the emotional connection. I'm not a whore, I don't sleep around, so once I'm divorced I'll have to deal with those feelings and frankly it freaks me out! Those are my personal reasons for not wanting sex. I'm happy to be separated from my husband so I don't have to do it:(


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Bard of Ely 4 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

William, I started out with a "very strong desire to have a very stable and loving relationship" and thought I had found one but got dropped, then it happened again and that was years ago when in my late teens and early twenties! Now I am a lot older I have got used to being on my own so whilst it isn't what I wanted and isn't an ideal life I admit I don't put much effort into changing it because all my past efforts have usually come to nothing!

MissJamieD, thanks for sharing your views!


wabond profile image

wabond 4 years ago from England

Steve, This is i suppose is the trouble for many of us, we want to have a stable loving relationship but also want our freedom to do what we like. That was the reason i ended up living on my own until i was 40. I find i still have desires to live on my own and have that freedom, but i also want to live with a woman.

So it might be the choice you have made. Yes, you might want to live in a stable and loving relationship but you also want and need your freedom.


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Bard of Ely 4 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

Well surely it is possible to have separate rooms in a house and lead separate lives part of the time? Or even live separately altogether? Mind you, I have been living with a cat for the past 6 years and I find myself living a life focused around her needs a lot of the time!


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wabond 4 years ago from England

I agree it should be possible for people to live together without restricting each other's freedom. The trouble is as in the case of your cat, if you do love someone or something else, you can end up putting their needs before your own.


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Bard of Ely 4 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal Author

This brings into question what our true needs are? For me my cat depends on me so she is my responsibility and I am a massive part of her life and world. So I see it as right to be here for her or at the very least to find someone I can trust to look after her if I go away. My cat doesn't have any options - she cannot decide to go anywhere. So what are my needs? If I think about mycat Tiggy then I think my needs are to have enough money coming in to keep this place going and provide for her and myself. I have wants and desires but they are in addition to this and are usually not necessities. I have been thinking a lot this year about the idea expressed in the Bible book Ecclesiastes about vanity and how many things in our lives are vanities not necessities.

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