In Love With a Sociopath?

Do you have a sociopath in your life?

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Are you in love with a sociopath? Sociopaths can ruin your life. Do you have a sociopath in your life?

I am speaking to the single mom who desperately needs a partner, both emotionally and financially. To the lonely teenager wanting someone to be close to. To the widow who misses sharing her life with a male companion. To the young man who wishes he had a beautiful girl to take out and show off to his friends. To the older man who is flattered by the attention and availability of a much younger woman.

And even to the happy, socially adept person who isn’t looking for companionship but suddenly finds the most wonderful person out of the blue; someone who may be too good to be true.

The hubpage http://hubpages.com/hub/THE-PSYCHOPATH-NEXT-DOOR contains a list of traits that you can use as a check list when considering your new girlfriend or boyfriend. Please check it out, print it out, and really think about and analyze your new acquaintance’s personality before you take things further.

The problem that we see time and time again is that people do not research the term sociopath until they are already entangled with one. If only we could get the word out so that you would do your research BEFORE you fall in love with one. Once you become entangled with a sociopath, you will be left destitute and heartbroken and then you will take them back again!

The point I am making is that many sociopaths don't attract the attention of law enforcement and the justice system, so they are never actually registered, or formally counted, as a sociopath.

From my experience and based on the comments on this article, there are many more sociopaths in the general population than previously believed.

When you embark upon a new relationship, give yourself some time. With time, the symptoms start to appear. The first tiny cracks in the façade show up.

It is typical, when you get involved with a sociopath, that they want to rush things, they want you to move in together, they want to combine finances ... Imagine how much better it will be if you do not allow the relationship to become intimate just yet.

There are many stories out there, from both female and male victims, from people of all ages and circumstances, about how difficult it is to dislodge a sociopath from your life. Think how much easier it will be for you if you do not allow them to gain control, to worm their way into your affections, your social circle, and your home.

In the beginning it is easy, even exciting and rewarding up to a point, to get caught up in the drama that a sociopath generates. They are often upset and angry and full of stories about their ex who is a psychopath (they say), their boss who treats them unfairly, co-workers who lie about them, ex-friends who betrayed them, and family members who shut them out or try to steal from them. They make lots of phone calls and text messages and draw you deeper into their world.

They can be charming, funny, witty, sexy, and appear to be loving and caring. But the attention is always turned back to what they want, what they need, what they will have, due to their narcissistic view of themselves and their mind-boggling sense of entitlement.

An example is the sociopathic entrepreneur who feels that his abilities, combined with your money, will enable him to rise above the herd and become wildly successful. When this doesn’t work out, it’s never his fault. He shows no concern for the devastation his actions have caused, and places the blame squarely upon others. If he is temporarily successful, he usually blows through money in a short time and has a tendency to brag about his accomplishments.

If you are useful to the sociopath, he or she will remain connected to you. They may view you as a possession. They want access to your money, your home, and your relationships with others. They sometimes isolate you from your friends and drive a wedge between you and your friends by mocking them and putting them down. They tend to be unappreciative of what you do for them, minimizing your contributions and always wanting more.

While some sociopaths commit crimes, most of them simply go through life creating havoc and taking what they want. They usually engage in a series of casual sexual relationships. Each one begins with a high sense of hope and dramatic displays of feeling. Over time, the careful observer will note that these dramas are short-lived and lacking in depth. Series of sexual relationships, job-hopping, many career changes and location changes all feed their need for excitement.

Their credit history may reveal the irresponsibility of the sociopath. The empty promises to pay child support, the unpaid credit card debts, the personal loans never repaid, all contribute to the overall picture that emerges.

Some sociopaths have a quick temper and engage in impulsive acts that leave others puzzled. The sociopath may quit without notice, constantly change plans, break off a friendship, and move to another state, and leave children, friends, co-workers, and family members damaged in the aftermath.

This behavior has roots in childhood and the sociopath takes full advantage of that, constantly retelling the story of his dysfunctional family to engage you. These stories elicit your sympathy and awaken in you the desire to make things better.

Just recognize the hardest thing, that there is NOTHING you can do to change this person.

I repeat, you cannot change this person.

You can pour your love, your sympathy, your caring, your time, and your money into this relationship, and you can sacrifice your other relationships, and NOTHING will change this person. Please recognize that -- the earlier in the relationship you figure this out, the safer it will be for you. If the sociopath has already damaged you, forgive him or her, but move on.

Therapy cannot help a sociopath to change. In fact, it is widely believed that therapy actually makes a sociopath worse! They are not able to connect to the therapist. They are not going to tell the therapist the truth; therefore, the therapist is not working with full knowledge and cannot be effective. The sociopath, however, feels even more empowered than before, since he or she is fooling a professional, feeding them a warped description of their life events, and enjoying their full attention.

Unfortunately, if a member of your family is a sociopath, I don’t have any advice for you although I wish whole-heartedly that I did. When there are complicated ties, such as children or elderly parents, it is difficult to distance yourself from such a family member. A sociopath usually damages the entire family.

One can only hope for some outside influence that will change the dynamics of the relationship. If the sociopath comes into a lot of money it will provide a natural means of putting physical distance between you since they won’t need you any longer. However, if you are the one who comes into a lot of money, it will make the situation worse, since sociopaths are drawn to money.

Hoping that the person will change and continually looking for some kindness and empathy from that person is the most likely state of mind of a family member, but that change -- that kindness -- that empathy -- never comes. The sociopath usually continues to cause pain throughout the relationship up to the bitter end. It’s a sad chronic affliction and there is no cure.

Some highly intelligent or charismatic psychopaths and sociopaths ply their trade on a broader scale; they percolate up into the top strata of society; they become politicians, investment counselors, or captains of industry and attempt to rule us and/or take all our money.

Here's an interesting take on this problem: Parasitic relationships! http://ehealer.hubpages.com/hub/Signs-that-You-are-in-a-Parasitic-Relationship

Here's a good article that highlights one way to spot a sociopath; they are often bored, and they generate drama to relieve their boredom. They create problems where none exist and pick fights just for entertainment! It is my opinion that they enter into self-induced manic-depressive states to relieve their chronic boredom.

http://virtualtreasures.hubpages.com/hub/Sociopathic-Tendencies-Boredom

Remember the classic tactics of the sociopath: Their behavior has a name and an acronym- DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Comments, cautionary tales? I posted a link to this hubpage on a message board, and every poster who commented knew at least one sociopath. They offered their stories which all corroborated my conclusions about how tough it is to rid your life of one.

Please be careful in your choices, and tell me your stories.


1/27/13 -- Oh my -- does anyone here watch "Vanderpump Rules" on Bravo? Jax - Sur bartender - is he the poster boy for the definition of a Sociopath? He has sex with the girl friend of his best friend of 10 years, and he feels no remorse? Wow. Then he repeatedly lies and denies it. He stares directly into the camera and states that he feels no remorse. The girlfriend clearly has issues, and obviously she owed her boyfriend fidelity, but I'm talking about Jax. I'm just shocked. His narcissistic tendencies have been clear all along, but after tonight's episode, I'm upgrading him.


“Some people don’t love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits, so they do the minimal … a little phone call here and there, just checkin’ in, thinkin’ about you, etc. What they are really doing is: maintainin’ a connection, so when they need you, they still have a way in.” (I'm not sure who to credit this to; it's out there on the internet in several places.)

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Comments 943 comments

Tanya 6 years ago

YES, YES, YES! You are so on point... The man I was dealing with was ALL of the above. He made you feel sorry for him by drwaing you into his sad personal history and horrible childhood...Said all of his EX girlfriends were crazy and did him wrong in some kind of way. when I found out the bastard was messing with another woman, I called her. (I got her number by snooping through his phone because he lied without a concience and snooping was the OMNLY way for me to find the absolute truth...) when I spoke to her, we had the EXACT story down to the letter... He wasn't even treating her any better (or Worse for that matter ) than he was treating me, and the same lies, stories, and sympathy cards he pulled on me to make me feel sorry for him, she used on him. then when he found out that I knew, he promptly said she was "crazy", but then I spoke with her again, and he said the same thing about me... smh... I know what to look out for next time I get in a relationship...Unfortunately, I dont know when that will ever be, because I am so afraid to get hurt again...


Tanya 6 years ago

Also, what you said about the sociopathic entepreneur... This man was always starting up some kind of business or had some kind of brilliant idea that of course required money... Fortunately, I was too damn broke to finance any of his ventures, but had I have been a little more tolerant of his bullshit, he would have gone after my father, because my father was completely smitten by this fool when I introduced them to each other... He wanted my father to be a "board member" on his latest venture a few months ago, but we got into it and had another big blowout and the relationship I believe is FINALLY over... Hoever the last time I saw him which was in August of this year, it was because he needed to borrow money from me, which I foolishly gave... And even though it was only $30 it was my last $30 (but he promised to pay me back lmao), it just goes to show that whatever he could get from me, (sex, money, sympathy) he readily took... But then would say that I gave of my own free will... And I know he has a flock of ready and willing women on the side who will feel sorry for him and get pulled into his web of lies and deciet, and emotional manipulation... May God have mercy on their souls, because I almost didn't make it out alive...


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 6 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thanks for your comments, Tanya. Glad you made it out alive! Some people don't ... There are some good honest decent people out there and I hope you find one.


Juliet Montague 5 years ago

It is because of sites like this, explaining the key points of exactly what a sociopath is, I have just in the past few days been able to let go, forgive him, and realize that nothing I did, said, acted upon brought about his cruelty toward me; he is sick and I can't fix him.

I have written a "romantic-comedy fantasy," entitled "The Year I Learned to Text; Why Am I Having Sex with a Muslim in My Basement?" The release date is Valentine's Day, 2011. He was out of my life for a year and one month, and during that time I mourned, cried incessantly, became manic, my life completely out of control, but I sat down and wrote about this man that came into my life and changed me forever. If I can love a mad man that much, I can love a good man even more!

He returned this August and I let him back into my life, my body, my soul, and my basement, and for two months he turned my life upside down with his craziness.

I truly believe that he returned only to "finish the job" he had started on me.

Now I just ask God to take care of him. My book is a warning written with laughter and tears and ends when he marries me in front of Allah right here in my living room. Book II: Honeymoon in Yemen, but Not Without My Dogs is in the works. The reader will be happy to know that Julie came to her senses—cannot end the book until something special happens!

My sociopath talked of new businesses, his crazy ex's and how I was the only one that he could ever be with forever . . . even though he would be finding three more wives and having children very soon . . .he broke dates with no excuses, stole from me physically and emotionally . . .and the sex awakened me and now I am ready for a man who truly loves me!

I am 62; he is 40. And as my daughter said, "Mom, any man 22 years your junior that wants to marry you has got to be crazy."

And, yes, my psycho has a flock of women he still keeps around. This I am sure. Oh, and loads of family problems to which I poured out much pity!

Someone shoot me now!

Love to you all,

Julie


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Another survivor, Julie! Sending positive thoughts your way.


talks2walls 5 years ago

I WON! I loaned him about 50K over the years. Dumped me in 2007 when I had loaned 25K and wouldn't loan more. Changed his number and threatened to file harassment charges if I asked anymore about the money he owed me. We had a lame promissory note-- that he'd pay me back when his mother dies (she was old, in a nursing home, and at the time had a trust worth about 650K.) When he dumped me and refused to talk, I filed a lawsuit. Used some savings, did what I could, worked more hours to afford the cost. We settled a year later for 11K immediately, (I later learned from the next victim that she maxed out her cards to pay it, because he yelled at her and of course, he doesn't work-- he's an "investor" and a BAD one at that... NO MONEY, I found out when he started borrowing). Anyway, my atty redid the promissory note stipulating guidelines for continued repayment of $1000/month at 10%. He then contacted me again and was so charming, I ended up loaning another 5K, (oh, and what an idiot I am, because I KNEW he had this girlfriend) with the same kind of promissory note. For 2 months, he paid back $1500/month. THEN he asked for another loan... $2500-- I had the girlfriend cosign. Little did I know she had no job... I did it because he would be friends with me... Paid me $1750 for two months... Then in January 2009 asked for $1000. I did, also at 10% and for 2 months he paid me $1800/month. THEN... he called crying and said he was BROKE and his GIRLFRIEND was mean and crazy (like I was when we were together) and he would do anything for me if I didn't sue him. I really wanted him to walk on hot coals but I settled for him helping out with my son (who was close to him when we dated for 3 years) and driving me to the airport (I travel a ton for my job, and even though my company pays, I figured I'd give him the .50/mile. We were friends for a long time. Hung out with me-- and according to HIM as long as his girlfriend didn't know about it, it was ok. We played tennis and ping pong. In Feb 2010 he wanted to move in with me... claimed it was really over w/her. Meanwhile, she and I had developed a relationship... she was filing bankruptcy--- he threw her into 61K of debt. I took him in, told him to liquidate all of his belongings, and then, after two weeks, told him it wasn't working (he was drinking and sitting around while I was working my tail off). He was PISSED. Went back to his apt., the girlfriend had already moved out, and slept on the floor. I felt bad and visited and stayed over. Gave him a contract for living with me with tons of rules and regulations. He balked. One of the conditions was to LOOK for work. Said he'd rather die. He said he'd get two roommates (2 bedroom apt) and stay at my place whenever he could. I said fine. Gave him an old futon of mine. THEN he goes BACK to his old girlfriend-- and severs contact with me. Told him I would sue him and he threatened bankruptcy and told me I'd be wasting my money. I tried getting in touch over and over, and like all other "victims", I cried and begged and pleaded. Not a word from him. I refiled the lawsuit. My atty filed for summary judgment. The sociopath missed his deposition in his atty's office. I located his mother's trust at a brokerage (hired an investigator) and learned there was now about 400K in it, and he was CObeneficiary-- wouldhave to split with his brother leaving him a hell of a lot less than the 500K he told me he'd get initially. THe court date was for FRIDAY DEC. 10.... On SUNDAY DEC 5, his sister in law calls me thinking I'm still with him and he's living with me. (He doesn't talk to his family). She proceeds to tell me that his mother died and the funeral would be MONDAY DEC 5-- could I get in touch with him-- she and his brother had been sending emails and calling, but he wasn't responding. I told her I couldn't contact him and why.... THE VERY NEXT DAY, MONDAY, DEC 5, my atty sends me a fax that Sociopath retained an attorney (he had been doing this prose), and wanted to SETTLE... we gave an amount which was fair-- included the balance on the loan, interest, penalties, legal fees... $35K... (He owed me at that point about 22K... AND HE SIGNED. HIS attorney realized that he was screwed, and said the trust money would be allocated to ME first, by March 10 2011, if I would stipulate a dismissal without prejudice. If any funds are distributed prior to March 10-- they go to me. He has a judgment from Capital One, and Iknow there are other creditors who want their money. I WON! He will most likely be left with about $120K after paying off everyone... and he thinks he'll build that into an amount that will support him the rest of his life. I beat him. He thought I would just go away and not do this.... More later...


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Wow, you Won! That is great. You are another survivor. There are many sociopaths out there, more than we know. Congratulations on sticking to your guns and getting your money back. Take care!!


dotty1 profile image

dotty1 5 years ago from In my world

what is wrong with these men !!!!!!!!!!!!1


Orange 5 years ago

My husband is one of thease men. I'm leaving December 31st. I see now from reading all of your stories, that it will only get worse. We have been married for less than 2 years and I already feel like a shell of a women. This kind of man will take and take until you have nothing left to give, he will walk over your dead body, to his next victim. Enough is enough!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

dotty1, I don't know what's wrong with people like that; all I know is that they apparently cannot change or be "saved."

Orange, be careful. These types become enraged and frustrated when their victim escapes, and sometimes become violent. Please be careful and best of luck to you!


catydid 5 years ago

wow, in the past hour i have found out everything i needed to know about sociopaths in everyday life. i have been trawling the net reading stories and articles, and its almost scary how familiar this all seems. i now know i dated a sociopath and it has been a terrible experience for me.

we only dated for 6 months, i thought he was special and different. he was intelligent and charming, not all that good looking, but oozing with magnetism. the sex was fantastic. it was like a rollercoaster ride, he would swing between being moody, critical and demanding,to passionate, romantic and loving. no wonder i got swept off my feet. i felt like i had met my soul mate.

then one day it all imploded on me, over some minor incident i was dumped. looking back i see that our relationship was destructive and damaging for me, but there would have been no telling me at the time. i tried to maintain contact with him, so smitten was i. he continued to toy with me for a few months, but unbeknowns to me he was sniggering behind my back, telling all of our mutual friends that i was a pathetic crazy girl who was pining for him.

it then imploded again, and this time he meant it. this is when he began waging a full scale character assasination on me. he started with outright bulling and personal attacks, then moved on to getting me effectively deleted from my own life. i realise now that as i was no longer useful to him, it would be convenient for him if i just disappeared. unfortunately i was not interested in complying. i tried to hang in there maintaining my friendships and life - it didn't work. he just kept upping the odds.

i now have very few friends left, i rationalise that at least i have good friends i can trust and he has been left with the shitty lame bastards who have little loyalty. his campaign of hate has worked and 9 months later, i am a total wreck.

the other difficult thing i find is that i cant seem to ever do the right thing, even seeing him in the street will bring on another round of hate mail and mud slinging from him. i feel utterly helpless and seriously consider moving away at times.

my good friends saw him for what he was immediately, because he was not interested in manipulating them - only me. i should have listened to them. he spent a lot of energy putting them down and trying to remove them from my life.

the sad and frustrating thing about this, is that i still have feelings for him. its quite sick. i have dreams about him and thinking about him arouses my passions all over again. i dont feel safe anymore and wonder how on earth i can move on from this.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I wish you the best, catydid. Sending positive thoughts your way.


airck 5 years ago

First I feel a little out of place here with all the articles being about males, Guess I am the 1 per center with a female sociopath, but oh well here we go. We have been married almost 2 yrs. And it has been nothing but hell! In that time I’ve watched her loose custody of here 3 children do jail time on several occasions, constantly cheating on me, hell 1 time she even blatantly rubbed this guy in my face. She did herself in good this time though, She promised me she would quit with her bullsh$t and do right by me, I told her if she didn’t she better pray to God to stop the planet and let her off. Not even 6 days later she left me “AGAIN” 2 days before Christmas this time, no phone call no nothing (she’s a drug addict on top of it) after I paid a bunch of her fines, restitution, took her to the beauty salon to get her nails and hair done, I could see the attitude change almost immediately after we walked out of the salon. This time I was true to my word and typed a letter to her probation officer about her drug addiction, but after reading this I’m thinking nothing will help her not even drug intervention, oh well not my problem anymore.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thanks for your comments, airck. Yes, there are definitely females with this condition; sadly I think I know one or two. Save yourself, that's really all you can do. I hope the best for you.


alex 5 years ago

i blew off going to college and my scholarships because of someone like this. stupid i know... ugh never again.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Oh Alex, that is sad. Not stupid, just human. Lesson learned. Best of luck to you in the future.


sexybaybee 5 years ago

well i have been with one for 2years! i always knew he had a severe personality disorder he had blamed it on being in jail! he used to lie cheat be extremely possesive want my money beat me ! he made everyone think i was crazy and isolated me then had sex with my so called friends and people i knew! he eventually found a new victim and got her pregnant well she is as stupid as him cus she assisted his lies! an was more than happy to let him be with me and be the bit on the side! i have now been rid of him two months and im soooo glad can finally start lving again and im thanking god that he has found a new victim!shes got money and he money oreintated so they will get on great!! i finally feel free now i know it was him with the problem all along and not me!lucky i escaped because i reckon he would of ended up killing me like he had always threatended!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

So glad you escaped, sexybaybee! Steer clear of these types . . .


lcarleenmd 5 years ago

Wow, I feel like catydid...I learned that the guy I've been seeing for the last 9 months falls into the sociopath/covert narcissist category and like catydid I'm scared! I'm concerned that he could be outside my house or that he may try and ruin my business and/or reputation in the small town I live in. I discovered he was having an affair and called him on it, ended the relationship Friday night when he repeatedly lied. Since then he just keeps sending me crazy texts - blaming me of course for the way I found out - I'm not responding to him. I think that is probably making him even madder. Are these people capable of physical violence? It's sad, but I've got wood wedged at my doors so he can't break in...even disengaged and physically locked my garage door. This is crazy!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Oh my gosh, be careful! Sounds like you are. I wonder if you ought to call the police? Save the texts. Yes some (not all) of these types are dangerous. Please take care!!


lcarleenmd 5 years ago

Thanks Silva, I actually did call the police last night and they are doing drive-bys for me for the next few days. I'm saying a LOT of prayers - for myself and all of you...nobody believes that he's like this. And I feel SUPER bad for his estranged wife (or is she, secret life?). He's got everyone, including their 2 older children and her family believing she's lost her mind...I don't know that she has - I think he's done this to her!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Please be extra careful, especially leaving your house and re-entering your house. Think of what you can do to help ensure your safety. Can someone come stay with you? Can you leave and stay elsewhere for awhile? You know, when some woman I know finds a new man, and she begins to tell me what a b!tch his ex-wife is, I always take that with a grain of salt. Sometimes, often, the truth comes out and the ex-wife is not so bad after all; turns out she put up with a lot of grief before the divorce, and sometimes she's not an EX at all. Again, be careful and it would be much appreciated if you came back in here or emailed me to let me know you're okay.


markob83 profile image

markob83 5 years ago

What do you guys think about my definition? http://hubpages.com/health/What-is-a-Sociopath


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I think your definition is spot on. The saddest thing about this disorder is that apparently it is not treatable; a sociopath cannot and will not change.


sabee 5 years ago

I know of someone who matches ALL the signs of a sociopath,which is really scary to me.I'd like to know what others think and if I should warn others of him.

This guy told me he put rat poison in his grandmothers coffee"just to see what it would do" and laughed about it as he was talking.He told me he hears voices.He has been in a mental institution as a teen.He has mentioned in a serious conversation that he thinks he would like a labotomy.He has been on several prozac like drugs to no avail,including illegal drugs.His doctor actually diagnosed him as a sociopath with a 9 yr old personality.He has abused animals.He likes to instigate things for attention and he especially loves it if he can get two people to argue while he watches.He refers to his few friends with nicknames that are putdowns,aka baldy,schnozz,etc.He married a woman just to have a big house(she's successful,he only works part time jobs).He doesn't help with chores.He criticizes the wife to his "girlfriends on the side".He's a pathological liar,especially when it comes to getting out of trouble.He has drug issues.He insults everyone he meets.He has worked in the "adult business" of escorting.Even when he's in relationships that doesn't stop him from flirting and trying to get other women to sleep with him or go on trips with him.If caught doing anything wrong he cries crocodile tears.He freely admits he will do anything for money.He even said he would marry a gay man for money.He tries to pitt people against each other when caught or if it will benefit him.He talks about sick things like"sex with baby heads".He punched a pregnant ex girlfriend in the stomach to "help her lose the baby".He makes up lies about girls phone numbers,tries to cover up ahead of time and cries or threatens suicide if caught.He talks about conning restaurants and laughs at others expense,calls everyone a moron even though he never got past tenth grade.He mocks everyone and has zero sympathy for anyone,esp.children.He says he is turned off by women who have given birth.He always tries to physically change a new girlfriend/wifes looks;i.e."Will you dye your hair for me,you need plastic surgery..."He is pompous and boasts whenever he has money and always tries to outdo and make people jealous.He will ask a girls parents about their finances early on.He also will bring up having a joint checking account early on.He has bad credit;thousands in debt/double digits!His M.O. stays the same with each new girlfriend/wife.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

That is truly frightening. The damage this person can and will inflict on everyone he comes in contact with is just horrifying. Only thing a person can do is stay out of his path.


damaged and confused 5 years ago

I think I am married to a sociopath. We've been together for nearly 10 years now (married for over five of those years) with two adorable twin boys that I love dearly. He's done a great job of making sure that I believe that everything that has gone wrong with our marriage is my fault. He even stated to me today during a heated phone call that everything I do is wrong and he wants me to concede defeat. It's like he's trying to win a game? I don't get this. He is constantly externalizing blame on others. About a year ago he started to threaten physical abuse (though he never did--but the experience was very traumatic). He's always been emotionally abusive. And up until roughly 6 months ago he'd always been faithful. He began trolling the Internet for women and found a steady connection with a gal in an "open" relationship with another sociopath! We separated in late October for two months but decided to reconcile in late December under the condition that he end his relationship with this girl. Now he sits around all depressed because he's "bored" all the time. His emotions seem to shallow. He still has yet to apologize for being so hurtful to me and our children. In fact, I worry often about our boys as he is constantly snarking at them and trying to control them just like he does me. I want to leave him, but have to wait until the time is right. He's pretty volatile and I need to make sure that I have all my ducks in a row before I try to remove him from the home again. We are seeing a marriage counselor, but I have my doubts that it will do me any good. Will individual counseling even help him? All my research tells me to run for the hills. I want to love him, but I need someone who can love me back without looking for what he can get out of the deal. Best of luck to anyone else having to go through this difficult situation.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I feel so bad for you and your children. Unfortunately all the research indicates that counseling will not help or change a sociopath. I wish you the best.


soldier 5 years ago

sigh...i was in a relationship with a female socio path for over a year and a half. It has ruined my life and almost ended my career and my life. I had came back from iraq already depressed and was suffering and lonely. I was staying to myself because my heart felt numb and i had stayed single for years because of the betrayal in the past. I met a girl and she seemed real sweet and was always trying to get my attention even though i acted if i wasn't interested which i wasn't at first. We then hung out everyday and everynight. I would drive 45 mins after work to go see her when i had already worked about 12 hours in the bitter cold in germany. She seemed like she was the one showed me love and affection i had never felt before. It was still hard for me to fall in love but i did show her i cared and spent alot of time with her. I also got the sad stories of her upbringing and her dysfunctional family and how all her exes did her wrong. She also told me she only had 1 sexual partner and boyfriend in her life. I finally fell in love with her and everythign seemed perfect. 8 months later i had to leave back to the states and she said she would come since her father was half american and she was a citizen she did come there 2 months laterand we tried to start a life. We were about to get married and everything and i had cold feet and told her lets wait because of a crises i was already in where she showed me no support. something about her just didn't seem right but i couldn't figure it out. I started catching her in lies about a year into the relationship. I had already cut off everyone out of my life even fought with my family for her and stayed by her side. But slowly i started noticing things and i felt like she was a completely different person. By this time i was deeply in love with her and i felt like i was loving for the first time since my heard was so numb from the war. I felt like she was my world. We were supposed to move together but instead she moved 5 hours from me because of a job she said and her father who she said beat her needed her. So i waited like she said she never came....a year in i find out she was cheating i find pics of her kissing a guy and a guy calling me telling me to leave "his" girl alone. I just couldn't believe it. She lied to him about me making me such a bad boyfriend and said i cheated which i never did stayed faithful and honest always. Then she comes here a day after i find out begs me for a second chance grabs my leg cries her heart out tells me these sad stories and tries to make me feel bad like if it was my fault she cheated. She never acceped the blame and acted like if it wasn't abig deal like id get over it the next day. She kept swearing on her life and mine she never had sex with him. She even planned to move with me now so i fell for the trap because i loved her. She aborted my kids which hurt me dearly because i wanted kids and a family and cut me off wouldn't talk to me about the situation and told me it was her and her mothers decision. She called the police on me and lied..almost ended my career embarassed me in front of her friends her family my family even got violent and hit me grabbed a knife tried to stab me when i find out shes cheating again and i grab her phone. All this has just been too much even after a 2nd chance i help her get this new job which payed more she moves close to me on her own cuts me out starts talking to new guys n says she doesn't love me anymore..claims she was pregnant with me again kills the baby. I just haven't been myself and im trying to get backm on track now i finally walked out on her 2 months ago after she kept acting messed up with me cheating lying and i find out she cheated with more guys than i knew. Even right after i left germany and everything was perfect she was crying ehr heart out when i left. When i walked out on her the last time i asked her look me in the eyes n tell me if u love me and she couldn't do that and i realized i must walk as far as i can or this girl will end up killing me. Last i found out she was still cheating on me with the guy from the summer and he said they are having a baby together i just couldn't believe it..just a month before that she had just aborted my kid i had thought. I had no control over this and she knew she had almost driven me to madness and i was sad n depressed everyday. It seemed like a game to her she would laugh about it. From then i knew she wasn't right in the head and she was playiing the other guys the same way she did me. I'd find out and try to tell them about her just to warn them but she had them fooled pretty good. Now im sitting here today still depressed and sad and still in love and just cant believe all this happened and i just dont know how to get over it. I hope you guys and girls didn't have it as bad as me. I am a strong individual been through many hardships in my life but this one has had to be the worst. I haven't been myself in almost a year now and dont know how to be me again and be happy. I am even scared to talk to new girls now because of all the hurt i have suffered.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am so sorry you have suffered this way. Thank you for your service to our country. Be careful and protect yourself. It's a scary world out there in many ways.


Marion 5 years ago

All I can say is when you find out someone is a sociopath, don't walk,RUN. It's like being within striking distance of a poisonous snake. Snakes don't consider who you have to live for before they take you down. And like a wild animal, the sociopath is wired to steal, kill and destroy. He will never love you back and you will be in love with a lie. You might think he loves you because he brainwashed you. Just know you're not the only victim, he read your personality and preyed on you. Go to therapy and read about others' experiences with sociopaths.


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Everything you say is so true, Marion.


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chocobea 5 years ago

OMG! I lost a my husband in iraq 2 yrs before I met this man.Too good to be true is what I always thought.Now 2 yrs later, I am a good 15000 dollar poorer, lost a car and I can not count how many women there were besides me.When I finally lost my temper I am the the one who ended up in trouble after everything this man has done.He is a soldier to top it off and all his superiors are soo brainwashed into believing he is a good man.I always suspected he was sick but his mother confirmed the whole story.He is an alcoholic to boot which seems to be typical for these type of people.But even a week in jail and a DUI did not convince his boss and co workers that there is anything bad in him, he is that convincing.I know time will take care of my broken heart but he never will be a happy person so I can not even be mad. I just feel bad for him.


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Glad you are out of the situation now! Poorer but wiser ... and a kind, compassionate woman.


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chocobea 5 years ago

thank you silva.I am not quite out of it as I have to go to court over HIM suing ME...it's all just wow!


Tom 5 years ago

Very good Hub and it has brought about the final nail in the coffin of the sociopath I once loved! Hard getting over it but "better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". Nice to love someone but when the words "I'm sorry" aren't in the other person's vocabulary because they are void of empathy for the person they supposedly love - we are SOL!


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Tom, I thought I responded to you four days ago; I'm sorry! Just happened to check in here and saw that your comment hadn't been approved yet. I don't know what happened. I hope things improve for you now. You are so right about the words "I'm sorry" not being in their vocabulary.


SHERRY 5 years ago

Wow! How true are your stories! Without my faith in God I would have married a man I was with for five years! Still want to BEL


SHERRY 5 years ago

Wow! How true are your stories! Without my faith in God I would have married a man I was with for five years! Still want to Beleive he is a good man, but he is not! He had not seen me since wwe dated in highwo school! 40 years! Immediately wanted to marry me! Was married getting divorce. Not true, wife found out and then she divorced him! He had other affairs I found out later! Somehow has lied thru out an has a way to make me feel badly for him! After she divorced him he made up all kinds of awful things about her! He lies, but somehow it is hard to catch! Lies over little things even! Loves all the attention.Talks badly about each person you like, or tries to make their flaws bigger so its all you focus on! Before you know it you r isolated, an no friends, life crumbling, an he my sociopath boyfriend has someone gotten ahead in every way! He mimics every word, sentence, inflection of my voice! Adopts your lifestyle, an starts telling u back your Aoown stories as if they were his! An states they were! He becomes defensive aAn angry if dgnqaconfronted about lying and especially if wants to be somewhere will cause a fight! I have felt something wrong, an over time his so called love doesn't match his words, he is ededdddddangry an irritable most the time! He made it back up to a good salary using me as his " way of new things to say to others! " He was more me than I was! He has talked about money an savings, an getting a house together! He to has bad credit! Trying to build it back up! Everything is my fault, an I'm always saying I'm sorry! I use to buy an do alot for him, now. My strengths he tries to my weakness! I had good self esteem, now I have None! Everything is everybody else's fault. He charms everyone with my words an he is very sexual. Makes you think you are his everything! Has a photogenic memory. Everything is a game! He loves drama! He has about destroyed me! But sites like these r. A blessing! I have two children an he tried to turn me on them gradually! Life is miserable with him an without him! I miss him all the time nnow that I just broke up for the. 100th time! He says in an evil way, ill never let go. All the while cheating on me an lies! I could go on an on! But with prayer an lots of it an these sites I realized. What I was dealing with! I have health issues now also! But I held onto my faith an these sites over an over! When he is not charming for the world to see, he is aloof an like a shell, an stare! An gets a smirky smile! Always looking at ggirls, but says he is not! I could go on an on but I wont! THANKYOU for all of you! I could never had broken it off , lost my family, an money, an self worth! Like many I will always love him, an miss him! Its hard to BELEIVE! Especially with the havoc he caused an destruction in my life! To anyone who even thinks dating one, please get out, it only gets worse! They will take your life an make you think you are the crazy crazy one! Pray alot! Read these posts an get distance! Somehow they can brainwash you an manipulation is there game for there gain! I've had trouble type Ingram, so excuse errors! This. Man I thought I knew years ago was not who I thought! I'm glad even though hurt an he has tried to isolate. Me, an somehow climb to the top of this job, an be successful while I've lost friends, money, an too many things to count, its still my fault! Ladies he started out with " I need a lifeline! He even took on reading the Bible, an my faith! But it was memorized an shallow! The list goes on so ill stop! Get out now before you an all you love are destroyed! They don't love you! God bless all you survivors! May God give you everything back that your sociology stole from you, plus more!


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Sherry, what an incredible and heart-rending story! All the best.


Faith 5 years ago

Dear all,

I am so glad to hear your stories, it gave me the strength to write mine and to warn others of the damage that a sociopath will bring to your life. Mine was a friend of mine and a work collegue. He picked me when I was at my lowest, I was on the rebound. He haD secretely memorised EVERYTHING about me, from quotes, to outfits I had worn years ago, my favourite colour, word, etc... I guess I was an easy prey to study since we had been friends for a few years!! I thought it was romantic, cute and that indeed it showed his interest in me. How wrong I was, during our relationship (more or less a year), we d brake up and make up constantly. He would be irritable and depressed at times, loving the next etc.. Like a hot/cold shower. Kept me on my toes! And it worked, I fell more and more in love with this man I trusted and was always faithful to, when he, behind my back was still with his ex-(they have a child together), and said he d told her about me when he never.. He d hide his phone and would always have it on silent mode, calls from people would come up with just numbers (no names). I never checked, because I wanted to trust him, I knew the moment I checked that it meant I could no longer trust/believe in him and could not live a life in a relationship where trust is gone. When we d argue he would say that i couldn t understand, no matter hiw much love or compassion i tried to show him never seemed to help. When confronted with his compulsive lying (he admitted to it), he d always blame everything on his mental illness (?), his medication (+ drinking spirit and smoking 'incense'), his past (difficult childhood) etc. Soon after the kissing would stop, so did the gifts and the attention. I felt worthless, ugly, unattractive, no matter how pretty I tried to be for him. He made me feel like I was the worst b&@£ in the world, and that the problem was all me and my demands, my 'dramas'. Nearly two years on, a fiancé, a beautiful baby, I still have my heart in my mouth whenever I see him... I know he I sick and to leave was the best I could do. When I think or dream about him it still hurts as much, because he s still around and he s walking around with a grin on his face because HE KNOWS I still feel, and he enjoys seeing me like this. I think these men are like a drug, so charming, interesting and clever they do make you feel like life s dull without them but it s all a lie, one big messy lie and


Faith 5 years ago

if you do get tangled in their web they ll make it their mission to OWN you. Mind still haunts my dreams, my mind and to some extend, my soul. I am currently trying to move away with my wonderfull new little family, as I can only see this is the only way I can ever get away properly. Ps, one thing he d used to do too, say that convince me that I liked something when he wanted me to wear it, (example, I d always wear a bright red nail varnish and he d convinced me that the cherry dark colour was the one that I liked!).


Faith 5 years ago

He was also very sexual, but if he did not want sex and i tried to innitiate it, i would be confronted to 'you only want me for sex'... Once I badly bled and was in pain after sex and whilst I was on my side holding my belly he did nothing to comfort me. He also did say he never felt remorse for cheating on his ex-girlfriend, (even though she s been a great person to him and a great mother to their child). I guess I should have seen that he was more than a bit of a rebel, bad boy and that something was seriously wrong with him... But with his incredible wit, charm, attention to detail, talent and all the rest, he did sweep me off my feet by becoming my IDEAL MAN (physically and mentally) without me even noticing the changes he had in fact changed himselft temporarily whilst he had stripped me off ALL of my confidence and self esteem. To all of you men and women out there who ve been conned by such sociopath, my heart goes to all of you.


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Faith, thank you for your story. He sounds like a classic. I am beginning to believe there are many more sociopaths in our society than we even imagine. Sometimes they wear such a convincing mask that we are totally caught in their web without warning.


Faith 5 years ago

Thank you for your reply. One more thing I must add is that to those who are not aware yet THESE PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. They can flip at anytime, god knows what they ate capable of, since they go not feel remorse or empathy... I know for a fact that he cannot stand me being 'the one who got away', cannot stand the fact that he can no longer emmotionally bully me. I know that going back to work in the same business wasn fear for mine and my family s safety (we are moving away soon).


Faith 5 years ago

And thanks to sites like these and comments from others, it has given me the strength to stand up to him now, and helped open my eyes more to the while situation. I hope my story helped some of you too :) thank you Silva X.


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JRChase 5 years ago

I like the way you put this hub together. Devil's advocate, I think all in all they are just people. They deal with their problems in the way that life experiences have taught them to deal with them. Good or bad, its what it is. My personal opinion is that I'm sure we all can find some of those qualities within ourselves. I read the list on the sister hub and I can find a MINIMUM of two of those aspects in everyone I know. Oh Yeah! Thank you for the good read, it made me think.


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

JR, good comments! I think we need to check ourselves often. Thanks.


Rose 5 years ago

Wow... I am so thankful I stumbled upon this site... I have been involved with a sociopath (just learned that is what he was from my therapist) for 6 years. I have allowed him to destroy my life - my marriage, my finances, my mental and emotional health and most of all my ability to trust anyone especially myself. I won't even get into all the stories I could tell, but after reading through all these stories he fits all of them and more! I would still be involved with him today if he hadn't moved on to his next victim ... probably because I could no longer help him financially, had been pressuring him to get psychological help and he got more sympathy from her.

I am just praying that I have the strength to stay away from him long enough to put myself together and get my self esteem back to move on. It is so scary how a sociopath can turn a very intelligent, stable person into a shell of a human being who feels they have nothing left to live for.

Getting my life back and living a happy, successful life without him will be my ultimate revenge. Afterall ... we've all learned we will never be enough for a sociopath and we cannot change them. There is NO love or future with a sociopath!


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Wow, Rose, I am sending positive thoughts your way. Stay strong and take care. As that old saying goes, "Living well is the best revenge," and I believe that to be true.


Tammy 5 years ago

Thank goodness for this site!! I recently realized that all those little things, like him hitting his dog, or bashing a fellow car door when he got into his car, or asking me to move in but pay most of the rent (I didn't), or him wanting a threesome with another girl to "use and throw away" -ick, or the little comments disguised as jokes used to make me subservient and doubtful about myself....yes....the asking for cash, the complaint that his former wealthy girlfriends never invested in his dreams....wow...I am not insane. I did the right thing, I know now that me finding him cheating was the next logical step because N's get bored easy and are self-gratifying. Oh, and about that...I didn't orgasm for 1.5yrs, but when I cut down the oral to match the level of orgasms...*poof* he cheated. Nothing about me, all about him. When his kid moved out, was sick of the beating, yelling, blame and abuse...I should've run too. When he kept coming back, I should have stopped at the start.

I am not nuts, thank you for helping me to realize that and by having the site, help me to let him go. :-))


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Tammy, you are lucky; you escaped! Don't look back! Good luck in your future endeavors.


Miztc73 5 years ago

I am not alone! I was involved with a sociopath for a year. I have known him since high school but we had lost touch for years. Then one day he added me on a certain social media site. Well it didn't take him long to start chatting me up. He was in an unhappy relationship with his now ex and mother of his 2 children and she was so cruel and cold to him...blah,blah,blah. It took him about a month and he was working in roaming me. He made me feel like the most special and loved woman in the world. Well he left his ex(actually I found out later she kicked him out because SURPRISE..sheccaught him cheating) and then it got worse. He loved me and wanted me to move to another city in another province to be with him. Like a fool I did..l loved him so much. And he had me convinced we were soulmates. Well once I got there his facade cracked pretty much immediately..I caught him in all the stupid lies, and the stable of women he had been romancing...it was like going from paradise to Hell in an instant. Long story short I am now back in my home town and completely broken, emotionally, financially and mentally. I don't think I will be able to love or trust again and he moved on instantly...i left in May and he has had 3 girlfriends since then...more if you count the women he has online. I just want this pain to stop!


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Miztc73, as you say, you are not alone. I am sorry for your troubles yet glad you are free from the abuse. It will take time to rebuild your life. Good luck in the future. I am sending positive thoughts your way.


amy 5 years ago

What a piece of work these people are.I was involved with a guy for 14 months.He texted me , called me nonstop until i agreed to meet with him. I was on cloud 9 - i couldn't believe that i had met someone so wonderful.But soon enough my world came crumbling down - after i had invested so much in this relationship , i realized every single word was a lie.He was a serial liar and a cheater but i felt like i was not good enough for him. All the pieces of the puzzle never did fit with this guy , but i ignored all my gut instincts and i could not live without him. after breaking up and making up more times than i can remember, i finally got out and it's been 5 months now and i'm ok. I will survive and have an awesome life without him and his lies. Not to say there aren't bad days - there are - when i question myself on how could i have let someone so cheap and such a lowlife into my life -? someone who only took and took and and couldn't give in return.But i chalk it up to experience and that we need these people to show us how good and decent we are and not to let someone of their calibre dull our shine. Life your life to the fullest and do your best for everyone around you and you will recover and triumph.


Addictedtoasociopath 5 years ago

I have spent the past 7 years of my life with one of these guys. I was dooped by him right from the word go. I got all the my ex wife is such a pathetic pathological lier routine. She did this to me she did that to me. And I fell for it. I spent 7 years trying to prove to this moron that I loved him. I have been manipulated, conned, verbally abused, emotionally abused, financially abused, mentally abused and physically abused by this monster. I have tried being his friend and he abused me that way also. These type of guys cannot have you as a lover or a friend they will take advantage of you either way.

I went through all times of getting flowers and cards everytime he messed up. I fell for it over and over. Then the flowers and cards stopped coming and it became an manipulation game with him. Telling me that I need to go get councelling. So I did. About 10 times. And my councellor told me. Girl it is not you. It is him. This was hard to believe since everytime he would worm his way back in and I ended up being the one to apologize to him and tell him that I would change. Problem was I couldn't figure out what I needed to change. Till now. The change I needed was to get out of this relationship and move on and heal myself.


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Amy, I love that phrase about not letting someone like that "dull our shine." It is a sad thing, what sociopaths do to the rest of us, and to themselves as well. Just imagine how much better their lives would be if they used their abilities to build up instead of tear down. Unfortunately it is their nature to eventually tear down the others in their lives and move on to new victims. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

Addictedtoasociopath, they are so adept at concocting the same tired old story, about how their ex did them wrong. They do it in such a way to cause their new love try to ease the pain, to "fix it" and show them that not all people are like that, and that they can learn to trust again. Their new victim plays right into their hands and it's an ugly cycle that plays over and over again. I'm glad your counselor was smart enough to pin the rose on him. Glad you're out of that situation and are moving on. Best of luck to you.


virgogirl 5 years ago

I have come to the realization that my boyfriend was a sociopath, or at least an expert manipulator and emotional abuser. I met him online and when we first started talking, he seemed too good to be true. We had the same values, he was charming, he was going to give up his life for me to move to CA and grow marijuana and make all our dreams come true. When he moved out here, he did not take initiative to get a job. I continued working full time and this was an issue between us - he'd always say it was MY fault for not being happy in the situation, there was no need for him to get a job, almost like I was being cruel for wanting him to work! We moved an hour away from my family and friends to be closer to my job, and he stayed home all day on the internet. I would confront him about flirting with girls online, I'd see what he typed right as he was doing it, and he'd deny talking to them or flirting with them. Finally I gave up on trying to get him to get a job, and I gave up on his internet life - I let him convince me that WE were real and the internet was not.

I woke up one morning after going to bed earlier than him the night before. Like all day every other day, I had an insecure, fearful feeling. I wondered what he'd been doing after I went to sleep the night before. After jumping through some hoops on his computer (this was all well hidden) - I discovered that he'd been having webcam sex on a site. I also discovered a secret email address where he'd been posting and replying to craigslist ads for sex from men AND women!

When confronted with this, he blamed me for snooping, blamed me for getting upset. He told me I had no right to be upset, this was a deep dark secret and how dare I uncover it. I went two weeks blaming myself, trying to be the best girlfriend I could, and he didn't do anything differently. Finally I told him it was a deal breaker, and unless he got counseling and tried to change and rebuild trust, I was done. He threw a tantrum, guilt tripped me, pushed me, threw objects in the house, etc. It took him two days to communicate with me at all, and when he did, it was through email. He guilt tripped me that he had nothing, and that I needed to get out. Then he changed his tune and said he would move, and everything in the house was mine. I said that was good, keep me updated, and I expressed how devastated and hurt I was. I begged him to show me I was worth it to him to change. He didn't address any of his lies or changing, he just continued to try and manipulate me.

I came home 2 days ago - all his things were gone, the marijuana grow room that I invested over $5k in cleared out, the truck given to me by my father gone. It is apparent how easy it was for him to up and leave me, without even saying goodbye! His only purpose for staying in contact with me through email was to manipulate me. But now he has what he wants, so I'm convinced I'll never hear from him again.

It's hard to question all the good memories, to question who I THOUGHT he was. I'm trying to decipher what's real and what's not. I am trying to let go of blaming myself for his behavior, for not being enough to change him. Now he's living with his friends and I wonder if they'll ever see him for who he truly is. Will karma ever get him? He's made it clear he doesn't care what happens to me so I guess I shouldn't care what happens to him either.


sweetsher 5 years ago

Hey Silva, great blog. To everyone who has suffered at the hands at a sociopath I say count your lucky stars that you've wized up, and moved on and away from a constant draining stream of negativity.

I was involved with a sociopath for a couple of years and recently ended the relationship. The constant demands for money etc was just too much, and I kept feeling negatively about myself while in his presence.

There was nothing I could do to get him to appreciate me. The hugs and kisses stopped. Last year he broke up with me saying that he didn't want me etc.

But this year, I took the bold decision to cut him out of my life for good and get away. Now all my friends are saying that my face looks brighter etc. I don't feel drained anymore, because my inner happiness he tried to extinguish has returned.


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

sweetsher, what good news that it's over and your light has returned. It's amazing that there are so many of them out there, many more than the experts estimate. I am happy for you.


Rafni 5 years ago

I think I may be in love with a sociopath.. Since we met it has been intense and after a few weeks together we were separated by countries for 6 weeks in that time we spoke everyday for hours and it was loving but mostly he displayed jealousy and I spent most of the conversation proving my faith and love, after 6 weeks we were reuntited and it was great but something didn't sit right with me and one day through complete randomness I used his computer and he was still signed in, I found messages from many other girls throughout the 6 weeks apart and when I confronted him I simply was upset that he had said we should wait for each other, I didn't mind that he had been with other girls as we had really just met but that he had lied about it and broke my trust. He begged and cried for me not to leave him and that he would never have done it if he believed that I loved him and truth was I didn't want to leave him. And so I spent the next year insecure and paranoid with a crazy jealous boyfriend that isolated me from everyone and changed my personality so much I didn't recognize myself every girl I met I would wonder what their relationship was and everyguy I met I or already had in my life as friends I couldn't talk to without having him get into a jealous rage. I would find messages in his phone or email that would be deleted and he would say it wad all in my head when I started going crazy begging for the truth he would turn to abuse, it was a given that I would always be wearing bruises so much so that my friends stopped noticing. After so long with this I actually did start to think I wad crazy and attempted suicide, it didn't work and instead if him caring for ne he went out all night and a later found out that he was calling everygirl that he could " just as friends" I finally fled through intervention from my friends and family but I didn't want to go and now it's been 5 weeks and I an still devasted! I still for some reason feel I could have done things different and kinda wish I hadn't left I still hear from him everyday from psycho love messages to death threats to miss you baby and I try to ignore them but I still love him.. He tells me he hasn't been with anyone else but our friends tell me different then I receive messages like just had a 3some with 2 hot girls! Then the next day how sad and lonely he is, he is constantly blaming me it's all my fault we didn't work because I snooped into his "private life" and I hard no right to do that. He comes to my country in 5 weeks and do not know what to feel some part of me wants to go back to him but I'm trying to be smart, any advce you could give to turn myself off this person would be greatly appriated. It doesn't seem fair that I am suffering so much having to rebuild myself all over again while he just goes out with a different woman every week and then if he comes and waltz back into my life I just don't know what would happen. I feel desperate for some strength now.


Beate 5 years ago

Rafni..............DON"T DO IT


lostsoul 5 years ago

I am struggling to accept the fact that I am in love with the kingpen of sociopaths and just had his baby 4 months ago. I just went to live with my mom I'm 23 dating a married bit split up 32 year old who has 2 possibly 3 children other than my newborn. I've been isolated and alone because I. I was convinced that I need to respect my man and not see any of my friends because they are not good enough pol. I could go one forever I feel trapped be cause I love him and our baby b. My sister has told me he is a sociopbut not until recently when he locked me out of my house and kept my baby from me all night I breastfeed very painful and engorged I Google's what a sociopath is I was devasted because he fits every aspect but made the mistake in trying to tell him and help him. I need advice and support because I am in love with a sociopath.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Rafni and Lostsoul, please find the strength to keep away from these destructive individuals. Lostsoul, put your baby first. These relationships sound so negative for both of you. Stay strong.


Stealth93 5 years ago

Three years ago I met this girl at a party. I was instantly drawn to her because she was hot, I waited outside the house for her ride to come get her. We talked for a little and then her ride came. The next day she somehow got my number and texted me. I don't know why I didn't give it to her, I'm a pretty shy person. Over the course of the next few months we talked a lot and I felt a strong bond toward her, but she had a boyfriend. They were on and off and seemed to have an extremely complicated relationship. However, It wasn't long before our secret relationship became sexual despite her having a boyfriend. Before it turned sexual I quickly developed really strong feelings for her. She convinced me the feelings were mutual but her boyfriend "would not let her brake up with him." After a while they broke up and me and her began talking.

We talked for a few weeks and it was like a dream come true for me. I had really strong feelings for her and could not wait to ask her to be my girlfriend. Everything was great until morning she text me apologizing saying that she had slept with he ex the night before. She claimed she didn't want to and that it wasn't her fault. My heart got broken that day and she decided she didn't wanna talk to me anymore. This made no sense to me because our relationship seemed so perfect, so real.

I got over it and moved on until she began talking to me again a couple months later. We again started sneaking around behind her boyfriends back. But it was not a sexual thing it was more of a love connection, or so I had thought. We would hang out at her house watch movies, cuddle and talk very frequently. Still she stressed how she couldn't get out of her relationship even though she really wanted to be with me. After this bullshit went on for a year, I fell in love with her and basically was her dude on the side waiting patiently and pathetically.

Me and her were both juniors in high school and her boyfriend was about to graduate. He graduated and went away to college hoping to keep his relationship with her. She dumped him when he was away at college and me and her were together 24 7 while he was gone. Less than a month later we started our own relationship. It was amazing and I tried to be the best boyfriend possible. She quickly gained control over me and took me away from all my friends. I didn't really notice her intentions at the time. I did however have this feeling in my gut that she was cheating on me. I accused her several times of cheating and she swore she wasn't and I wanted to believe her so much that I did regardless of my gut feeling that she was lying to me.

Three months into the relationship In which I was completely controlled by this girl, we were at a party and this kid called her cell phone while it was in my possession. I flipped out asked him if he was in contact with my girlfriend on a regular basis. He proceeded to being a smartass so I went to his house to beat the shit out him. He hid in his house and I talked to his brother telling him to relay a message to him basically threatening him. I went back to the party and my girlfriend was pissed so I went home. The next morning she came over and I went through her phone she had a conversation with the kid and halfway through the rest of the conversation was erased.

I was angered by this and demanded she tell me why she erased the rest of the conversation and what was said. She ridiculously tried telling me that she did not erase anything. I tried to reason with her and told her very straightforward that all I wanted was the truth and that if she admitted to erasing it we could work things out. Guess what.. She continued to lie which boggled my mind. I had no clue as to why she would lie when it was clear that telling the truth would have served her better. I immediately realized she had a lying problem and started realizing that she had lied before and my dumbass believed her because I wanted to believe her because I loved her.

I started looking into compulsive lying and thought I had figured out the issue. I told her sh needed to get help and that I would support her and help her through it. She actually did admit to having a lying problem but blamed it on her ex boyfriend. She agreed to get help knowing we didn't have the money to make that happen. I kept researching about liars, compulsive lying, etc.. Until I stumbled upon a page about sociopaths. It was clear that she had this disorder and I was in a state of shock about the truth which I had just learnt. I broke up with her but continued talking to her. After hanging out with her and studying her behavior and her reactions/views on things it was incredibly revealing. I felt stupid for not realizing it.

My heart being completely shattered by a love that was never even real. It was all a lie, an act. Despite reading how to handle this type of situation, because I did plenty of research on this topic, I didn't stay away from her. I felt a need for revenge, I wanted to hurt he the way she hurt me even though I knew this was impossible. I called her out on everything, called her a sociopath gave her all my reasoning, left it all on the table. She told me I was crazy and how much she loved me and just wanted to be with me. I started seeing the evil in her, it was bone chilling and extremely scary.

I made attempts to get away from her but somehow I could fight myself long enough to do so. Over the past month I have had complete control over her and made her buy me me an outrageous amount of things and she did. I now have really bad anxiety and I probably suffer from depression. It's really bad and I wish I would have just got out when I learned the truth.

I feel like writing this whether anybody reads I or not gives me a certain degree of closure. I hope to god that typing this gives me the strength to move on and to let go. and for anyone who knows a sociopath and has been hurt by one I feel your pain. And it's the worst feeling in the world. If you find out someone you are dating is a sociopath get the fuck out. Thanks for reading.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Stealth, you and this girl are not good for each other. You are right to get out of the relationship. Love is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, a pleasure and a joy, and your partner should respect you and lift you up, just as you should do the same for her. Hope you find what you are looking for.


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Great response on this one which is no surprise. Very good breakdown on sociopaths Silva. A bit eerie to know slightly over one in a hundred people have this awful condition. Read somewhere lately that researchers have finally found a missing chemical or maybe it was a gland, in them. Knew one in a friends family once that destroyed his marriage, stole everything from relatives he could get his hands on etc etc. He was more overt rather than the usual covert though. That's true, once one always one, but lets hope in future there will be a cure.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

We can always hope for a cure; that would truly be a miracle. I read that some experts think it stems from a chemical imbalance, while others believe there is something missing from a sociopath's makeup, and you can't replace something that was never there in the first place. I just know from a lifetime of observation that when one encounters a sociopath, the only thing to do is put distance between oneself and them. Trying to provide enough love, money, attention and compassion to make them better is futile. So sad. I also think there are many more sociopaths in our society than estimated. I am amazed at the response this hub has generated. Thank you for the visit and the comment, Mr. Packer.


Gretchen 5 years ago

I have a baby with a sociopath. We met in one state, I moved home to be with my family (after he treated me horribly throughout my pregnancy), then later he moved to another state and convinced me to move down. He started lying right away and completely ignoring us, although he'd barely seen his child.

Within 20 days, I moved back to be with my family. I wish that was the end. But in another month, I was offered a job where he was that I'd applied for when I was there. I took it. In ways it's been a good thing...because I finally figured out what he is and that he's hopeless.

He has left my child and I completely alone. He has not seen her in nearly 4 months. He refuses to help pay for anything. He did give me NEARLY half of what daycare cost the 2nd month I was here, but he also lost his job for do some "shady" stuff. I found out from his bosses he made a TON of money...he is lying and saying he's broke and had to hock a TV to get me what little he did. I have to file child support on him and I'm scared shitless to do it. He has threatened to make my life hell if I do. Mind you, I have seen him once for about 10 minutes the 2 months I've been back here. But I know he KNOWS that am planning to file and I know he KNOWS that I know he is lying about not having any money. I feel like he is laying low, waiting for the opportune moment to destroy my reputation, stalk me, kill me...scared the living shit out of me. I fear for myself and my daughter, but I also just can't let his responsibility slide. I plan on collecting as much as I can and moving out of state within a year. To freak me out more...his ex-employers have just made me aware that he recently bought an unlicensed gun.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Gretchen, what a terrible situation. Of course your child's safety and your own safety are the most important factors here. I wonder, what kind of support (financial, emotional) can your family offer you? Personally, I would leave the area and forget about child support if it were me. The child's father sounds dangerous and doesn't seem that he will be a father to the baby in terms of love and support and guidance. Good luck, Gretchen, stay safe.


oldsilky 5 years ago

hi new to this site dont know what to do i am 56 i fell inl ove with a beautiful woman who is 61. We set up home together and she has 3 kids all grown up, it was fantastic for 4 months but she got through my money like there was no tomorrow. I had to wind the purse strings in and it started to go sour, she used her obsession with her kids until it got that bad her and her daughter virtually forced me out. I have been trying for 14 weeks to put this right but i have seen another side to her she has hurt me so many times, i sleep rough she has a 4 bed house i wanted to go home but she has just punished me to the point i felt like killingmyself my health is bad and my head is a mess and my heart is broken, yet i still love her more than anything. she fits the description of a sociopath to the letter she is a compulsive liar and i believe she has been unfaithful. Her tales of abuse and rape by her husband i believe now to be lies. I am ruined finacialy and ruined emotionally is there a chance i have set her up in a home while i am homeless and i keep clinging, i jut cant get her out of my head, i did everything for them all of them but she is so cold and calculating i want her back but she just keeps hurting me is there a chance or do i have to face the fact that she does not love me now if she ever did.

She told me last week i was just her bit on the side and she does not love me, this has broke my heart, should i just walk away otr keep fighting.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I think you know the answer. Salvage what you can of yourself and your money and get out of this situation. You know it will not improve. You have had the misfortune to become involved with a classic example of what we've been discussing here. I am sorry for your troubles.


oldsilky 5 years ago

I do just wonder how long it will take to get her out of my system i feel i will never have it in me to love again, sounds pathertic i know but that's how it feels , thanks for the advice


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

The passage of time will help. Guard your heart and I hope you do meet someone someday who will be able to return your love.


F_Wite 5 years ago

I met a girl this past summer who was 20 years younger than me but SWORE that she was attracted to me and that I was her type. She even showed me a picture of her sister with her silver-haired husband, Joseph, to illustrate how both she and her sister had a thing for older guys to ease my skepticism. She had a 4 year old daughter and told me she was not getting any support at all to help raise her. She was beautiful, smart, charismatic, attentive, loving and everything I ever wanted in a woman. One day out of the blue, she tells me her father needs brain surgery and that she has to take a job in a strip club where she could make $1,000 a night to pay for his operation! I told her that I could not be in her life if she took that job, and I wasn't trying to stop her - I didn't want her resenting me if her father died. Besides, why wasn't anyone else in her family doing anything to raise money for her father??? I found out that was a total lie. The last night we spent together walking around my neighborhood she cried and begged me not to leave her due to her taking this job as a stripper, was capped off by me putting her in a cab and sending her back to her place. A few days later, a friend who once met her tells me he saw her get out of that same cab ONE BLOCK LATER, crying and talking on her cellphone that Saturday night. A few minutes later he saw some guy pull up in a car, get out and kiss her, and drive off with her! Never saw her again and any attempt to contact her was ignored. I have since found out so many lies about her FROM HER OWN FAMILY!!! They know what she is! I was heartbroken because I wanted to believe all of the lovely things she said to me but I realize it was all a set-up to take me for as much money as she possibly could. Friends have told me I was lucky to get out after only 2 months!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Such a sad story, tragic for everyone, you, her, her family ... your friends are right; you are lucky. Just imagine what she is missing out on, because she cannot feel human emotions and experience a real relationship based on love and respect. What a tragedy.


Anon 5 years ago

Sociopaths make up 1-4% of the population of the entire world....so how is it possible for everyone to "know one?" Perhaps web sites like these provoke people to go too far and label everyone they've ever known who has "done them wrong" in the past as a "sociopath?"


Serenity 5 years ago

I have read most of the comments. Sounds so familiar to me with my boyfriend. My friend been living with me for the last 6 years. It's been downhill........ Everything he hides, won't give me his cellphone number when I do get it. He doesn't answer calls unless I call from a different number. My lists goes on to hundreds of situation. My question is how do you leave. Where does the strength comes to let go and move on. I have tried many times and the pain hurts so much with him not being here. I know he is not good he is a taker doesn't help with anything and it's not even sex. He can care less about that.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Hi, Anon, thanks for visiting. It's my opinion that the figures of 1 to 4 percent of the population are wrong. There are many people in the general population who fit the profile yet do not break the law and are never diagnosed. I happen to know one myself. The person I refer to would never go for therapy because they would never admit there's anything wrong with them.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Serenity. You know you deserve better. Similar to my reply to someone else on this thread: you and this person are not good for each other. You should consider getting out of this relationship. "Love is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, a pleasure and a joy, and your partner should respect you and lift you up, just as you should do the same." Serenity, maybe you could sit down and really give this some thought and make a list of reasons to stay with this person and reasons to go. I hope this turns out well for you.


oldsilky 5 years ago

I thought at her age 61 5 years older than me she would have welcomed a relationship where i thought the world of her but it appears she thrives on deciet and pain that she has dished out.Such a shame i still love her so much but it looks as though the best thing is to move on, thanks for the advice doesn't make it any easier but at least i tried to give her the best life ever.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

People with this type of personality disorder have a void that can never be filled. If you were a billionaire and gave her every material thing she could possibly want, she would still not be satisfied. If you give her more love and devotion than anyone ever had before, she would eventually betray you in some way. That is the nature of a sociopath. Her age is irrelevant. As you say, the best thing for you to do is to move on. I wish you the best of luck.


oldsilky 5 years ago

Well since we have parted and it was the most horrific and heart breaking time i have ever had she has vanished the house seems occupied but now i am finding out so many things, she has massive debts, credit cards loans. she was even commiting acts that will land her in serious trouble. I had no idea she was like this she has moved home 12 times in the last ten years, it is frightening she has to keep moving. She has now been seen with her ex husband one of many i have now found out about. This will be the 5th time she has been back to him yet he is an alcoholic and i know that, the stuff about him raping her and beating her must be false why would a woman go back to someone like him, yet dump me the man who loved her like i have never loved a woman before who got her the house furnished it told her everyday how beautiful she was, i just dont get it i know you have explained but i see no sense in leading such a sordid life when she could have had everything she ever wanted.Is there some fascination to leading this life, now she is in big trouble and will be on the move again to dodge her past which is quickly catching up on her. Still love the woman i must be out of my mind.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

You ask if there is some fascination to leading this life, and the answer is, For her, yes. People with this disorder thrive on drama, and will twist anything straightforward in order to create and maintain drama. You will never see any sense to this life she creates for herself, never. The only thing you can do to save yourself is to remove yourself physically, emotionally, financially, in other words, in every way, from this person and her chaotic destructive life. I know it's hard and it doesn't help to hear me say it, but you know it's true. I repeat; you will never see any sense to this life she creates -- you play by the rules and she doesn't.


oldsilky 5 years ago

Thank you i realise after more disturbing news today, yes i am out of it i still love her how can one border on despise and near hatred for what she has done yet still love her more than i have ever loved a woman before it is crazy and by god it hurts thank you for your advice


Frank Wite 5 years ago

Silva, thank you so much for your kind words and understanding regarding my posting 11 days ago. Your comments to all of our posts/situations help everyone here. Oldsilky, I am sorry to read about your ordeal. I empathize with you and hope that time will give you the strength to move past the pain this person caused you. I, myself, go through feeling sadness, anger, and even worrying about her (and her daughter!) - yet I guarantee you that I am a long forgotten and distant memory by now in her mind...


oldsilky 5 years ago

I, myself, go through feeling sadness, anger, and even worrying about her (and her daughter!) - yet I guarantee you that I am a long forgotten and distant memory by now in her mind...

Frank that is ironic it is how i feel still worry about her and her children yet she has now disposed of me as she would taking out the rubbish for collection, as you say i am a distant forgotten memory apart from the fact that everything she has now was down to me. She once said that she got up every morning looked at everything i had provided and thought about me, in what way i ask.

Thank you for your kind words Frank it does not get any easier at the moment it hurts and i cry almost everyday over her, i need to get my act together, good luck all of you

Bob


Krizzy28 5 years ago

The only way to heal from this tragic and traumatic experience is to stay away from them, maintain no contact as possible because once they know they still have the power over you they will manipulate you. That is how they are. Reading all your posts make me cry. We all got involved with people who did not support our growth but rather destroyed us. We might have stumbled but it is not too late to lift ourselves up. We are blessed because we have the gift of love and it is the greatest gift but the psychopaths can never have the life that we have. They live a very miserable existence. I guess if we bear that in mind we will be able to heal day by day.

For one year I was involved with a psychopath. The happy, smart, confident woman literally vanished. I would have never expected that I would be on antidepressant in my life. We started as friends but there were already signs that I ignored. He lied about his job, his race, where he came from. He was in a relationship but still pursued me. He targeted me cause I was a virgin. His disappearing acts, silent treatment, emotional abuse. He used me for sex but I was blindly in love. I still treated him nicely after everything but it is time to wake up. Sometimes the only way to bring back our old selves is to cut off that negativity which is them. I broke up with mg psychopath bf today. I have known his disorder since April. I even told him when we fought and texted him that he needs help coz he has a disorder and he targets virgin women and prey on them. He admitted it and said I am smart. Guys we can heal from this. But first let us forgive ourselves because we should never blame ourselves for sticking or trying to work things out. Hard as it may seem there will come a time that we will be able to forgive them. We can leave everything in God's hands


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Sometimes it seems that our good qualities, such as loyalty, devotion, etc., work against us when we are being used by a sociopath. Such sad stories, yet a common thread I hear is that we pick ourselves up, acknowledge and assess the damage, and carry on with our lives. I advocate that one should never look back, Except to learn from the past, but enjoy the present and look to the future for there are better days ahead.


Krizzy28 5 years ago

Silva , you are right. It happened cause we needed to learn something within ourselves and from life. We may had it the hard way but there are still better days ahead :"(


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you for visiting and commenting, Krizzy. Yes I strongly feel that better days are ahead of us.


Krizzy28 5 years ago

:"( I am still emotional cause I waited too long to get out.I tolerated things that I knew I would never tolerate.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am sorry. You are not alone; it's good that you have your faith to help sustain you. I am sending positive thoughts your way.


Angie 5 years ago

Why are there no stories about sisters, brothers, fathers etc? I love my sister and I am 99% certain she is a sociopath. Is it harder for people to believe that a family member could be like this? Especially a sister because that relationship is suppose to be special? For more than 20 years I have been unnerved around her, always nervously waiting for the next 'epsiode' to put the family through hell. It normally lasts some weeks and then, presto, as if nothing happened. We are made to feel guilty, bad and uncaring. She is always after sympathy for her 'hard life' although she lives such a good life! She had breast cancer a few years back and beat it, but it has never been in the family, is she internalising her negativity? I believe so. The stories I hear of cancer survivors relishing life after their sickness, well this never happened for my sister. Her tendencies just became more intense. She treats my mother and father like pieces of dirt although they do everything to help her and her family, helping them financially at every turn. It is always about the money for them, a lot of talk about money. She plays mind games with all of us, extracts information out of us and then uses it at a later date against us and she plants seeds to others to make us look bad. She has disciples who are not intelligent to understand her motives and uses them to also attack us. She has made it look as if my mum had some problem (i.e. post natal though mum denies anything like it) with her growing up and caused her to be so hard done by, but there are 2 other siblings and we do not have any problems with our mum. I have severed contact but it won't be enough until my family and myself move further away so there is next to minimum chance of seeing her. Christmas, birthdays and holidays should be wonderful, but it's horrible because it gives her more chances to hurt us. Lucky I have a strong partner who has been through much worse in life than she could ever imagine, and the strength he has given me has helped me realise how much I was a easy target to her, always forgiving and going back for more because I had to be a good sister! When I was in a relationship such as some described above a decade ago, she was happy because I was down and out, now I am in a wonderful, caring, stable relationship, she has struggled to come to terms with it. (I am loved enough to stick up to her!) They just want to see you fail, they just want to win and they always will, but the calculating and constant way they go about it will be their downfall ie cancer, alcoholism etc. Is this karma? Maybe. Thanks for listening.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Hi, Angie, thank you for sharing your story. I can only speculate as to why there aren't more stories about family members being sociopaths. One answer could be that since family is so much more difficult to disassociate yourself from -- even though it is painful to break up with a lover and never have contact again, it feels almost impossible to "break up" with a blood relative. There are usually so many ties, such as parents, children, etc. so maybe people just keep hanging in there when it's a family member. People with a sociopath in the family are in the worst position of all and there's no perfect answer.


oldsilky 5 years ago

I thought this was over but now it appears that she has now take it to a new level. What is wrong with these people she is in real trouble now and i want it to end so there is less pain and upset. But it appears she believes she is above the law, she definatley thought i would keep hanging on and suffer her abuse lies and hurtful actions, i didn't like others she has hurt and swindled. I am at the point of no return with her now and it pains me to carry on with what i have to do, i dont want to but she continues to push me. I believe it is pride now with her she cannot accept she has been discovered for what she is. I would have walked away as painful as it is and as much as i still love the woman but she has taken the bar of deception and vile actions farther than i thought any woman could. Why can't she just accept that i have found hger out and stop this nonsense is it somethinmg they cannot do , do they have to push as far as they can, it seems so silly when she knows full well it will result in her possibly being prosecuted, i do not understand the woman.


freegirlnow 5 years ago

I won't go into it but I was in a relationship with what I now realize to be one of these. I lost everything. Home, money, love, had to come back and live with my parents. All he did was tell me how if I didn't this and I didn't that...things wouldn't have "happened" like they did. From what I understand, he has done the same things all his life...and continues playing multiple women to this day.


Alex Stofa 5 years ago

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In this fast moving page turner be a voyeur into the word of bigger than life Mac as he juggles living ghosts of his past with the promise of a future with Lynn. Be the fly on the wall as level headed Lynn, guided by her psychic childhood friend, deals with her own resurrected ghosts as Mac’s past unfolds before her eyes.

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Preview Cruise:

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passion1 5 years ago

Thank you all for the comments. I have found so much healing in your words. My experience began in Feb. 2011 when saten himself sent a sociopath into my office. She was 21 intelligent charming sexy and of coarse in a terrible marriage to a domineering husband.We soon learned that she was absolutely the wrong person for the job but I was already hooked. Once hired she displayed zero interest in the job.None of her character traits reflected any redeeming qualities worthy of love from another human being. I won't go into all of those. I wanted to fix all her problems and show her how good a normal life could be.She would have no part of it. I kind of chuckle when I think that even lobster for lunch didn't phase her. She was constantly on her phone texting etc and leaving the office frequently....I never dreamed that she could be turning tricks all during the day but all the signs were there. Everyone knew and I suspected but I was brainwashed. Her lies never made sense but I overlooked them thinking I could make her love me enough to change. Waylon Jennings wrote a song once "I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HER AND I DID MY BEST SHE WAS JUST NO GOOD FOR ME DON'T BE TAKEN BY THE LOOK IN HER EYES IF SHE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL IT,S A PERFECT DISGUISE" no truer words have ever been penned. Anyway after six months of chaos I could not take it anymore.I terminated her then evicted her from the apt complex we manage.Less than a month later she tried to hustle me for 500 dollars which I refused her.I am told that she will make another run at me but so far so good.It has been 10 weeks today since she was terminated. The crazy part is that I still long for her.I have concluded that I fell for a fantasy created in my own mind.I remain addicted to the way she made me feel. I think this is a question we all should ask.Do we miss the person who hurt us so badly or do we miss the way they made us feel.It is getting better every day,although there are still valleys which I go through.I hope these words help someone as your words have helped me.Best wishes to all.


louiseelcross profile image

louiseelcross 5 years ago from UK

My ex was a psychopath. He beat and tortured me and always begged for forgiveness. I forgave cos I thought I loved him. In the end it was too dangerous to be with him so I after years of abuse, I walked. Took a long time to get over him, twenty years. He has just contacted me on a social network site. All the feelings I had for him come flooding back but I know that he could be still dangerous. Just walk away from any of the above behaviour and keep your life. Thanks for the hub.


Frank Wite 5 years ago

Passion1 -

I completely empathize with you and your situation. After my "relationship" was over I made a discovery about "Christina" that chilled me to the bone (one similar to yours). I, too, offered her a normal life but it seems she prefers to "work", perhaps to find another mark/victim/sucker. I sometimes wonder if she is ever sitting somewhere waiting for her next client and thinking "I didn't have to be here! I could've had a nice life with someone who adored me.". But then I am reminded that this is the way a NORMAL person thinks, something Christina is definitely not. Good luck on your road to healing.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I couldn't have said it better. Good luck to all of you on the road to healing. May you find the peace you seek. Forgive but never forget.


mickstier 5 years ago from england

My situation is not that far off. I too have a 3 month old baby boy and just recently after reading pages and pages of topics concerning sociopaths. Two years I have endured constant lies and deceit only for it to be turned around and put on my shoulders. I have another son with a normal woman from years back, we have a relationship based on the welfare of our son and it works, he is 11. The problem is my ex resented this and resented my son no matter how much I involved her. Can you believe she said to me that she fell pregnant hoping I would forget about my other son. She hated my ex because she could see straight though her and resented my son because of it. She had to control when I had him, I could not have alone time with him. She threw away his scan picture and articles of clothing that gave me good memories of his early years. She stole my Ipod so I would blame him. There have been other men, violence towards me, obsessive behaviour and lack of guilt for anything, including all the wrong she caused before we met. Sexual manipulation, If I did not comply I did not get any. She used to beat the hell out of our dog when she got frustrated. She is violent, been in many fights in town and even hit my sisters friend for just being in my house. Dresses to crave constant attention from men. Flirts and giggles with any man due to a lack of confidence with a normal conversation. If I looked at another woman, she would start. I am nearly bankrupt and my business has gone down hill because of the constant attention she craved from me. She constantly blackmails me and I gave up my house to make her feel secure and went to live under her roof. So if I never agreed with her guess what she would say?? I am now living on the floor in my office in the same cloths for 3 days because if I don’t do as I am told I cant get my things back. I teach and she would constantly call and text if she was having a hard day and if I never gave her time and replied she would threaten to come banging on my door. I want to see my new child all the time but now I can’t for two weeks unless I pay her debts that she had before we met. I have £3.50 in my pocket and ashamed to say that is all the money I have in this world. I have begged her not to let this effect the upbringing of our child but she is using him as a pawn against me. All I have read is so true. In the beginning she was everything I wished for and I fell in love very quick, but within months it started. I listened to her sob stories about how her family turned there back on her only to find out it was because she slept with her dying sisters boyfriend. She had an affair behind her ex husband back but told her child it was him. She broke his heart and now he has no contact at all with her so his new wife has to do the communication. She gave me constant guilt trips all the time and I even got used to them. We would fall out over silly things and instead of working it out, she would go drinking in town with the shortest of skirts on saying things like ''If I did not want her someone else will'' That used to tear me apart, so guess what I did? Yes give in to her demands. When she got what she wanted she was so loving and kind but that could all change on the flip of a coin. Of course I am the bad guy now in everything. She has even befriended my family with her charm and lies and now got them looking down there nose at me for walking out on our baby. They love her and are elderly so now I worried how far she will go with them. They are already driving 200 miles in a few days to comfort her. I would never turn my back on my son and will endure being humiliated by her for his sake. But my family do not see what I see and been through my pain because I never involved them, so yet again its another thing I must endure. Her past relationships have always been short and ended bad. 3 years ago one boyfriend took his own life because of the way she is. She tells people how she misses him but she doesn’t tell people that when he died she had 3 guys on the go. What sickens me is that she uses it to gain sympathy off others. I could go on and on about her and if I was an outsider looking in I would find it funny and sad at the same time. I would tell me to grow a pair and get out of there and move on. Trouble is, is that women like this places themselves in to the deepest corners of your heart and although I despise the type of person she is a part of me still loves her. When ever we fell out she would somehow take sick and be forever in the doctors. She would soon recover when she got what she wanted though. Reading all these things is the sad truth about my situation and, being the man I don’t have a leg to stand on because the basic truth is is that people just can not understand it if they have not been through it. I can see how people would believe every word she says and feel sorry for her and it makes me want to scream the truth about the misery she has caused to everyone. She has taken my pride, Money and now my son and there is not a dam thing I can do about it. I know what I have to do and keep calm, only the other night she was texting saying how much she loved me and could I do this for her because she needs this because if not this is going to happen, and so on. But because I have stuck to my guns and not jumped she has turned the complete opposite way. I have realised she does not love me. I mean, how can a person that’s in love, deliberately try to hurt you in all ways and show no remorse? The thing is, I cannot tell if she even knows what she is doing. If she does, it would make her evil, as we know it. I am choosing to believe she is too stupid to know she has a serious mental condition, for now anyway. What makes it more unbearable is that I will be attached to her for the rest of my life. I look at what her other son of 10 has been through and see the confidence problems he has. The many men in and out of his life and abuse he has witnessed and dread to think my son has to go through the same as she shows no signs of changing and only got worst. Why can she not see what she has done wrong? I can not reason with her no matter what I say at this point so I have given up and keeping it business and not rising to her guilt trips.

The one bit of peace I have now is that I understand the term sociopath. I never really heard of it before and looked at myself over and over thinking there was something wrong with me and I’m going insane due to her lack of feelings. It saddens me now I have become another one on her list of bad men and will be the topic of many pity stories for anyone she meets or already in her life. Because lets face it, anyone she meets knows her life story within 5 minutes. She now knows I am on to her and her methods and it seems she no longer wants me back, funny that. Is she a sociopath? Please someone put my mind at rest. I’m not a bitter man and I will not resort to bad mouthing her to anyone I know, and I can tell you this is all true on the lives of my two sons. I think I just need to tell me this is real and not a mental condition I have. Well I am now going to take a step back and see how it all unfolds. I will stand my ground and not be played by her. I have told her she can fix this if she get help but she denies absolutely all wrong doing so cant see that happening. Will I spot another? Dam right I will. Thanks for reading this.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am so sorry. My heart literally lurched in my chest when I read your message. It does sound as though she is the classic sociopath and she will never change because she does not understand what she is and she cannot change. It is always tragic when there are children involved. All you can do is protect yourself from further harm as best you can, and always be there for the children, as best you can. I am so sorry.


oldsilky 5 years ago

time to end this heartbreak she has now moved her husband back in once again the man who she said raped her beat her put her in hospital because he was a drunk at the wheel. I am angry he enjoys himself at my expense i am finding hard to deal with this betrayal, my anger is building yet i am resisting any thing that would ruin my chances of at least geeting my possesions back.I have decided to take her to court but the waiting its like nothing is going my way, i hope she gets proscecuted for fraud if not there is no justice. Sounds bitter and i am why shouldn't i be bitter she set me up as far back as last year and this is not the first time she has done it with her husband, but it is the first time one of her victims has not walked away tail between his legs. I cannot let her get away with this i have to pursue this and hopefully she will be stopped. My worry is if she rings, how can i feel so much resentment yet still love her, i am dreading a call will i be strong enough to hang up.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am sending positive thoughts your way. Stay strong.


newday 5 years ago

Reading this blog has been very helpful. I have a relationship with my niece who I've been trying to help and protect from her family and "bad people" who are after her. None of her stories ever added up and she would never give details. I have felt manipulated and controlled by her never ending needs and wants. I had invited her to be part of our family and she took advantage of this and ate up the time I would spend with my kids and husband. This was pulling my family apart and forcing me to fall behind with my responsibilities. I repeatedly tried to get her to understand that I could not jump and be part of her every whim. Most recently I tried to set up boundaries again and she didn't like it. She started to make up a new story about the "bad people" who are after her as a reason why I must make myself available to her 24/7. I finally told her to call 911 if there was bad people trying to hurt her and not to call me. Well, that was the last time we spoke.

I do worry about getting her mad. She has keys to our home and I have considered changing the locks. I feel it is time to distance myself from her to have a happy normal life for me and my family. It has been 2 weeks since I've had to deal with her demands and drama. I feel free, like I finally have my life back but I also feel like it is not over. In the past I have woken up to her looking down on me sleeping. This was a very uncomfortable feeling but I pushed it away because she is my niece and I love her. Now I question if I even know who she is. All her crazy stories of sexual abuse which tore our families apart might not be true. An I just an enabler? What goes thru their mind when you tell them "No!"

What do you do when you think a family member is a sociopath? Do you break off contact? Do you confront them about their bad behavior? How will they react? Help!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

You are right to be worried. Some sociopaths are dangerous when thwarted. Confronting her is probably pointless, because her behavior will not improve. If you decide to break off contact, be extremely careful.


newday 5 years ago

From your comment I think it would be best if I did change the locks. I will take your advice and not confront her, just distance myself and let her latch on to someone else. I believe that as long as I don't try to out her she will move on. Do you have any more advice?


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I don't have any more advice ... just proceed with caution. I think this is what happens with most people with her condition. They just move on to the next victim. Sad but true. Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my thoughts.


passion1 5 years ago

I am angry today. Not so much angry for the pain she inflicted on me because she is what she is and cannot help it. I'm angry because she couldn't see and didn't want to experience THE BIG PICTURE. The plans to send her, her mom, and her little girl to Disney for two weeks,the plans for a holiday cruise the plans to give her a new Charger for Christmas. She could have lived a fantasy life had she only been normal. After reading many articles I now realize so much about her life is amiss.The signs were there all along, the self cutting,the trancelike stare in her eyes,on those rare ocassions that she said "I love you" there was never any emotion in those words.I would tell her not to say it if she didn't mean it.That would usually provoke her. I now am convinced that her husband is also a psychopath and is also her pimp. He has to be aware of her blatant sexual activity (even in his bed with some real skumbag drug dealers,it amazes me who she would do for a few pills) her presence all over the social media, not to mention her attitude toward porno and sexual taboos. I suppose that on this day before Thanksgiving I should be thankful that she was exposed before I invested too heavily financially into our relationship. Had she been a little sharper she could have really scored big on me. I was so smitten by her that she could have had it all,there was just always this voice in my head warning me that something just wasn't right. Fortunately I listened to that voice and got out eventhough it was and still is painful the alternative would have been disaster.I ask God every day for enough grace to carry me until I am healed.Happy Thanksgiving to all.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Only time will help to heal the wounds. So good that you got out when you did. Stay strong. Hope you have a peaceful holiday.


Shaun Peters profile image

Shaun Peters 5 years ago from Orrell, Greater Manchester, United Kingdom

Hi, this page has finally let me realise i'm not alone and made me feel like I had made the right choice to end the relationship. My wife and I was going through the IVF programme because we couldn't have children, sadly the medication my wife was taking had serious side effects and made my wife ill, sadly my wife was pregnant with our twins when she had a stroke, our first child miscarried after 6 weeks, our second after 8 weeks and my wife Gail died after 11 weeks. I was devastated and didn't know how I was going to cope. One of my wifes best friends started to call around and chat and we'd meet for coffee and talk about what happened and the the thing my wife and I used to get up to and she would tell of tales they used to get up to as friends. We became firm friends. Then this person would start to tell me that her husband was abusive and had hit her in the past and was an alcoholic, I knew her husband and knew he liked a drink but little did I know this was one of the signs. This person left her husband and we carried on as friends until one time i looked at her and thought i'm falling for her. I talked to her about my feelings and she agreed she felt the same. We started seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend and things were going great, maybe because I was paying her all the attention and buying her stuff, bought her a car, took her on vacation to new york and vegas, greece and numerous trips around the UK. We even got engaged and planned to get married. I was well and truly in love and never looked at anyone, never went to family parties etc just wanted to spend time with her, then it started. little things at first, stood at a bar and there was a guy stroking her hand and when i saw this and went to say something, she pushed me away and said she hadn't even felt it. She would come back to mine afetr nights out with lipstick smeared all over her face and then ring a friend or relative to back her up that it her nieces guy who did it in jest, only for the niece to deny it. then came the i'm depressed and going to stop with family for the weekend and not even answering calls and texts. we split and I flew to the states to get away but she called and text and convinced me to come back early for christmas to be together and then dumped me at the airport. I was well and truly under the spell by this time. she said she was depressed and needed money for the mortgage and kids presents and that's why the relationship was failing, so i lent her the £1500 then she disappeared at new year after showering at my place and getting ready, later I found out to see another man who she met on a famous social media site...although she blamed me for setting up her account. She convinced me I was going mad because I said she was seeing someone else although I couldn't prove it, I ended up in counselling to get myself "better". well push came to shove and i found out about the other guy and confronted her and she left, but she never really stopped contact, she would text saying what a bad depression she was in so being me, i was there for her. eventually I emailed the guy after she had stayed at my place one night and she was showing me texts he had sent and how he was so controlling??? he went mad and she blamed me for wrecking her life. I went into a really deep depression cause by this time she was sending me texts at all hours telling me what she and her guy was doing, were they were going etc...by this time i was suicidal..it only stopped when I sent her a mms with a pic of a bottle of vodka and a few boxes of pills..luckily I saw sense and rang my family and they came over to save me. I never saw her for a few months after that..until she came back with the story how it was never gonna work out with him, he made her feel guilty for him leaving his wife etc etc etc once again I was taken in, lent her some more money for the mortgage...that's the power these people can have over you. I got her a job at the place where I used to work, she made a tale about me sleeping with one of the other staff, caused havoc in the place, told her neighbours I used to beat her up regularly, luckily I got to hear about that one before it caused too much damage, After a string of more lies, I made the decision to get counselling once more to try and get away from this person, it's early days without her although its took 3 months of counselling to do it. All this is from My wifes best friend, who knew everything about what happened to us, knew how vunerable I was..and that is the key...I was vunerable. I hope to meet someone one day, I won't let this destroy my faith in others, I was just unlucky I guess. Helped me to hear other stories though, so thank you


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

My heart goes out to you. She saw your vulnerability and moved in on you, getting money from you, etc., and then compounded the damage by attacking your reputation. Shaun, I am sorry you are enduring this kind of treatment, sorry for your terrible loss, and I hope you are strong enough to stay away from her 100%. Thank you for coming here and relating your story.


ElleJay 5 years ago

This ny eve would have been my fourth anniversary with my sociopath, who was also a porn addict. I left him six months ago and ended up receiving treatment for PTSD.

I thought I was getting better. I thought I was over him. then I bumped into him again at a friend's birthday party a couple of weeks ago. He texted after, stupidly I responded, but only once.

today, ironically on my way home from my last counselling session, i drove past him in the street and I nearly crashed the car, seeing him shook me that much.

I have written a book (like one of the other ladies, a humorous one) called You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?! The Life Expectancy of a relationship With a Porn Addict and started a website dontrewardbadbehaviour.com, the book is specifically about his porn addiction, (the next book will be about his sociopathy.)

All of this, I thought, had helped me heal, which it has. to a cerain degree. But now I have seen him again I am once again thrown into turmoil. I should have been working tonight, but after seeing him today I feel as if something has come in and hollowed my insides out. I want him, I want to call him, to touch him to be with him.

My intellect knows damn well it is the worst thing I could do, and that I would be throwing my life away. But it was all I could do not to go to his house, which used to be my home too, and wait for him then follow him in and continue my life with him within those four walls that were not a lot better than a slum and represented a living nightmare for me,

Why? Why do I want him still? And what the hell can I do to mend this heart? I feel as though I have had a voodoo spell placed on me and I can't shake off the curse.

He wasn't even good looking, and for maybe two or three good points that he had, I have filled two sides of a fullscap page with his bad points.

How can I stop the yearning? Has anyone come up with a practical solution (EMDR, hypnotherapy, alternative medicine) to physically remove this person from my heart and take away love I feel for this cold, callous, critical, cruel, manipulative man, that I would give anything to be with right now.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

There's got to be some kind of therapy that would help you develop an aversion to this person. I have been reading a lot about the self-destructive tendencies that most human beings have. You mentioned that you were leaving a counseling session when you saw him again; can your counselor give you any guidance or point you in the right direction? Google the self-destructive tendency and you will be amazed at how wide-spread it is. I will continue to research and learn about this problem. All I can suggest is for you to continue to work on your self-esteem because you know you deserve better treatment than he is capable of giving. I will send positive thoughts your way, ElleJay.


ElleJay 5 years ago

thank you Sylvia, I will do as you say.

In your research, have you found tht porn addicton is oommon among sociopaths? Is the emotionaless and 'using' element, something that particuarly appeals to them?


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Yes, it seems that use of porn might be more common among male sociopaths and promiscuity among female sociopaths, and the emotionless affect and 'using' element is standard with most or all sociopaths. Not to generalize, but this is what I am finding.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Various experiments have proved and psychologists have shown that regular people do in fact perform behaviors that can be self-detrimental. The three models of self-destructiveness illustrate the different ways in which a person behaves in a self-defeating way, depending on each person’s level of “intentionality” to harm oneself. Human beings are more likely to behave in more self- defeating ways depending different circumstances, such as a person’s mental health. If a person is depressed or anxious then that person is more likely to behave in a self-destructive way than a person would if they were mentally healthy. Other important factors that contribute to self-destructive behaviors include low- egos, low self-esteem and seclusion. Results from various studies propose that a “strong feeling of social inclusion is important for enabling the individual to use the human capacity for self-regulation in ways that will preserve and protect the self and promote the self's best long term interests of health and well-being." (Twenge, Catanese, & Baumeiter 2002.) (copied from psychwiki.com)


ElleJay 5 years ago

This is an interesting aspect. Areas where there were cracks in my confidence were turned into gaping maws after time with him. Things I did not even have issues with, he created issues for me. I feel as though he projected the type of 'victim' I was on me and I lived up to a lot of it. But not all, which was why I was able to escape.

I have never had any of theee issues in relationships before - I would never accept this type of bad behaviour from anyone, but a combination of external factors that were in place at the time we met, meant I was particularly vulnerable to his mind games and ignored all the red flags that were up there from the start - which confirms the 'being in a depressed or anxious state' meant I behaved in a self destructive way.


ElleJay 5 years ago

sorry, also meant to add....

the after effects of being in love with a sociopath appear to be similar to those of someone suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, which is the deep and unique bond formed between the captor and the hostage. The hostage empathises with the captor and wants to maintain 'their relationship' with them and even misses them, after they are free


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Fascinating insight, ElleJay. As they say, "Knowledge is power."


oldsilky 5 years ago

having read the above post i must add my bit, she was a very permissive woman it was not the sex that attracted me to her but the woman herself. She is 5 years older than me 61 now but it was the intense emotion showed everyday making me feel like i was special, i thought she was special. I still think about her every day. When it started to go wrong the day i said we had to slow down with money and she could not have this and that then she changed to a very nasty woman. the humiliation started, we were a couple her children knew that and she worried about them walking in. Her daughter who she enlisted to drive me away would laways knock, but the last tkime we had sex her daughter walked in and stood there, my partner the sociopath pushed me away and accused me of lowering her standards i was disgusting and she had set a bad example to her children. That was the last time we slept together she told me i had to move into the spare room which i did. Then she started a number of one night stands and then some nights she would call me in and tell me if i wanted sex i would have to do as she asked by watching her mastubate herself or use certain objects. I refused i am not a prude by any means but she was just humiliating me and then she would say to me why bother with you when i have these, she kept a bag of carrots by the side of the bed, i need a real man and you are not that man. and why should you have the pleasure of me you will never have that again, then it got to threats where she would say she would call the police and accuse me of making sexual adavances to her daughter and her daughter said she would swear on that. I left i had no choice but even after all that i still loved her and wanted to go home to her, am i mad is there something wrong with me.

I have since found out she has been like this all her life having sex with who she likes even when we together she was having sex with men, no matter what age 17 was the youngest i have spoken to him and he was ashamed as he had seen us together.

I have been told women like her are unable to stop themselves and i was a lucky man to be out of it, yet i still think about her everyday even though tomorrow i start court proceedings to get my possessions back. Her so called rapist husband has moved back in now that is how she caught me, i had known her for years and she knew my marrige was over and i was a soft person at heart and she filled my head full of tales of rape and abuse and hurt all her life. i fell in love with her and it was like i have never loved a woman before, it was special the best ever until it went wrong then it was a nightmare and still is.

they are clever very clever and she knew how to yank my chain and did many times until it drove me to the verge of suicide. i would say it is worse than grief there is someone who you love more than life itself yet you cannot be close to them or even be with them. Maybe this step i am taking will help me move on ,as my solicitor said she believes no one has ever taken her on before, most men would walk away licking their wounds and she loves to contact the police, now she is thinking hard she knows i am not going to back off and i have so much evidence to get my stuff back i believe she is worried.

I shouldn't say this but i will take great pleasure should i win in court by taking everything i bought and leavijng her how i found her. yes a different roof over her head but she will have nothing just like before and her drunken husband is back, but there is a twist in the tale, she tried to involve me in a massive benefit scam and it back fired and she will be in court again to the sum of £10.000 she defrauded the local housing and another £4000 from the pennsions dept.I hope she is punished to the max she deserves it so does the husband this is their con she has done it before.

I will add this though she is one hard person to forget even my solicitor aftewr watching me sob for 20 minutes in her office warned me not to fall into her trap again, depsite what she is facing and i will be responsible, when all goes wrong she knows there is one person who will be there for her, me the fool the idiot who lost everything and was homeless for 14 weeks. God i hope i am strong enough to not fall for it again, i hope others learn from this i would hate to see anyones life wrecked like mine has, my health has gone downhill my head is a mess i wonder if i will ever have the courage to love a woman again or trust one, sorry to all the decent women out there no offence meant. I think somedays i am losing my mind and have now decided to seek help, just to talk to someone with out burdening friends and even my ex wife who has been brilliant and got me through so much.

I want to scream and cry and get it all out and hopefully it will work. good luck to everyone who has suffered as a result of these parasites because that is what they are and it appears it runs in the family.

Take care all Bob


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

What a terrible tragic story. You take care.


veryconfusedguy 5 years ago

I just got out of a relationship with my girlfriend. She said to me 3 years ago when we first met that she might be a bit of a sociopath. I didn't know what a sociopath was so looked it up on the web. Then I forgot she told me later on.

Then things started to get more and more strange. She became very controlling and manipulative. I admit that I ignored my inner alarm that something was wrong because I’m in love with her, so so addicted to her and also obsessed with her. She could get me to do anything.

Now to make a long story short as most of what has happened is very similar to what I read above.

What differentiate from the other stories is that she after 2 two or so she started acussing me for being a sociopath, and also having Cluster B personality disorders i.e. narcissist behaviour and lack of empathy towards her.

She told me to see a doctor. I told the doctor I have general anxiety which I admit I have due to something that happened in my family. The doctor gave me referrel to a psychiatrist, we just started so he can’t say much yet.

Today I’m so confused about it all that I am uncertain whether I’m a sociopath or whether she is a sociopath or we just had a bad run. Our breakup was really nasty and she doesn’t want to speak with me at all saying I detroyed her and that I can’t understand that I have these disorders. I have only contacted her via email asking her if we can meet to talk it through but she is threatening me with restraining orders if I don’t back off.

I have also spoken to her father in person a couple of times and I have basically told him everything that has happened as I feel I have nothing to hide but admit that it’s not all her fault nor is it all my fault.

Now, I feel numb and insecure. I still don’t know if I’m a sociopath because if I am I want to sort myself out.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Hi, veryconfusedguy. I am not qualified to make any diagnosis. However, it sounds as though you are concerned, worried, and confused, and I don't think a true sociopath has those feelings. The sociopath that I know is adept at turning their behavior around and attributing it to others; sounds like that might be what she is doing to you. I think you need to be open and upfront with your psychiatrist so you can get the most help possible. As for your relationship with the girl, sounds like you two are better off apart. Don't ignore your inner alarm. Sending you positive thoughts for the best possible outcome. Take care.


Lady66 5 years ago

Please don't ever underestimate the arrogance of a sociopath. He is well capable of horrible acts. I broke up with mine via a text message after just 3 months of dating (I just couldn't take his mind games and vanishing acts anymore). He was 55 and I was 44. His response? Call me all nice so that we can talk only as a false lure for him to come over to my home and rape me and then silently disgard me. I wish I had pressed charges, but I was in complete shock. Things happen for a reason, I suppose. I NEVER would have guessed that he was a sociopath or he could be capable of such violence; yet his act led me to therapy and it was my therapist, who after learning all the facts from this 3 month realtionship, coined him as a histronic sociopath. Now I am arming myself with knowledge about these type of individuals; 5 months later and still in therapy, but getting stronger every day. i just want to warn other people, you really don't know what type of violence these sociopaths can be capable of.


ElleJay 5 years ago

to veryconfusedguy and lady66, I empathise with you totally (oh well at least I know I'm not a sociopath then) My sociopath also turned things around and tried to put HIS symptoms onto me as though I were the one with the mental problem.(its one of the things they do when they're Gaslighting you)Like veryconfused guy, I'd had a traumatic experience as a kid. - That's exactly what they hone in on like a shark smelling blood a mile away. The more loving and nurturing you are, the more they endeavour to tear you to pieces.

They draw you in, even when they have been horrible to you, so it didn't surprise me at all lady66 that you were conned into seeing him again. They will then punish you for feeling like you have a right to assert yourself and dare to dump them.

I never used to be able to initiate sex with mine, when I did, I was left so humiliated, I never tried again.

There seems to be something in a normal human (ie, one with emotions) that gets pulled in by a sociopath, and becomes addicted to the cold, callous, manipulative person. I can't figure out what the heck it is, or why, except striving for something that is dangled under our nose, but we cannot have.

The feelings for a sociopath go beyond love and feel more like addiction. In my own case, I am approaching it as though 'coming off a drug', becuase the regular 'getting over a broken heart' advice is almost laughable it is so ineffective.

I hope both of you return to happiness and find relationships with healthy loving people. I've taken time out of dating for six months now and am concentrating on working on my book and building my site, it's been the best therapy for me... oh and I bought my first pet, a kitten, which I love to bits.... psychologically - apparently - stroking pets releases Oxytocin - the love drug - which is helping me heal.


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Silva Hayes 5 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you, Elle and Lady, for your insightful comments. The sociopath can indeed be dangerous. They can become violent when they don't get their way, they can totally destroy your emotional and financial health, and they can destroy your reputation, both in your social circles and by cyber attacks.

I don't know why many 'normal' people are attracted to sociopaths and find it so difficult to disengage from them. It's probably a combination of many things. One thing could be that we think we can 'save' them, that we can wake them up emotionally and make them whole. From everything I have heard and everything I have read, this type of personality disorder does not change, cannot change, it is so sad, so tragic, but have any of you ever heard of a true sociopath becoming a loving caring human? I have not.

The message is clear; take plenty of time to get to know a potential partner, be skeptical of their stories of the past, keep an open mind, be wary, protect your children, protect your finances, and above all, TREAD CAREFULLY.


Cory 5 years ago

What can I say? I wish I would have had this information five years ago. Everything that all of you have said has been a fact in my relationship with my wife. My wife as she is know has tried every trick under the sun.

She has financially bankrupted once and is quickly on her way to a second.

She has literal destroyed my social network. At this current moment I have only one friend outside our relationship and that's because she believe's that he is good for me. Apparently the fact that he agrees with may of her thoughts makes him a good person. Not to sure what I should think about that?

As if that wasn't enough! Yes... There has been and currently is both police and other government department involvement. After our first breakup and while she was involved with the government trying to take her daughter. We got back together. Of course I thought I was doing the right thing in that she needed support during this tough time. I guess it should b known that she was in court with the government and her parents. They were saying that she was crazy and a danger to her daughter. They lost... But this was only the beginning of the story for me. Because her parents were taking care of her and they lost. They kicked her out of the apartment she lived in. It was their's by the way! Being the supporting boyfriend I though I should b. I toke it upon myself to get her into another home. Using everything that I had left to pay for this. Two weeks after moving us into our first place together, on Valentines day by the way. She called me on my way home telling me not to return. The police were at the house and I would b arrested if I returned. Apparently she and her doctor friend had accused me of doing something with her daughter. Couple weeks homeless and a police arrest and interrogation later. I found myself with nothing left. No money, no support and no emotional.... well emotional anything. I was done... If it wasn't for my best friend, I won't be here sharing my story. As stated before, this is only the beginning. Ohhh.... And by the way, I was never charged with anything and told by the police that everything was ok and to b careful. Happy happy joy joy times those were.

Well.. I'm guessing that your all gob smack right know! Probably having thoughts of WTF... What's wrong with this dude! I've asked myself that question so many times it hurt the head. Well.. Like I've said a few times already. This was only the beginning.

Apparently, while the hole court thing was happening. She desided that nobody was going to take the parenting thing away from her. In the three months leading up to our first move, she desided that she wanted to b with child. Oviusle she didn't say anything to me. We were together once and that was it. So... Yes this young lady gave birth to my first son. That ladies and gentlemen is why I'm here. All I can say to everybody is, when u see your first child for the first time. Everything changes!! U no longer matter. This was my boy and I was going to be there come hell or high water.

So... Here I am four years later and another baby boy. Once more I going down road of pain and difficulty! Apparently.. This time on my wife was visiting our latest son. "fyi: both boy were born premature at 25 weeks respectively, that's a hole different talk" when she when off about me not being supportive of her bababa


nonamehere 4 years ago

hey everyone read all you can find about sociopaths and antisocial personality disorders. all of us need to quit wondering about our minds. these SPs have no conscience. like a reprobate mind. they are brilliant in many ways. first in mind control. its a power game they have to win. but once won they crave more. they have NO conscience. they do not feel love. we love what they pretend to be but it never existed. it is only what they want us to think so we are easier victims. please read the books by martha stout n dr hare n the lovefraud posts. they must have victims and mind control. ive been married to one five years. now trying to end it without danger to me n family. i am a smart professional old lady and still got sucked in like dust into the shopvac. i didnt see it for 4 years. any insight on getting out of this mess is appreciated. you were right about the stockholm syndrome too. stay strong people for they do not get better only better at manipulating. it is said that in counseling they only learn counselors methods and then use that insight to further control future victims. terrifying. keep me in your prayers for i feel i will soon be «accidentally» dead.


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Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Dear nonamehere, I get cold chills reading your post. Be careful; be super careful; be canny and resourceful and keep all your plans and thoughts to yourself, and get away from the danger. Please come back here and tell me how it's going for you. I am sending positive thoughts your way.


Ataloss 4 years ago

I'm not sure if mine is a Sociopath or just a player, advice would be great please.

Firstly, I feel so stupid for falling for this guy, we worked together, he is married, so am I, both supposedly in lovless marriages which we can't leave due to lots of reasons.

After months of friendship, very strong attraction, probably due to his following me, staring intensely at me,familiarity, HIS connection building and cmmonalites (all of which were his doing)This guy must have picked up on my vulnerability, my marriage was bad, my mother was ill, and I had other things going on in my life which now, I think he homed in on and used for his own advantage.

I WAS curious about his actions towards me, I had seen him giving the same signals out to other women at work, one in particular, but he seemd SO sincere with me, was obsessive with me, would not let me out of his sight. In fact, now, I think he was stalking me to an extent as well, I do know he was going through my personal things, purse, phone, etc. Those things were locked up securely, but he still did!

His actions, especially cantact, eg, texting and calling, were very over the top, and very intense from the word go! He was telling me he was in love with me within a couple of weeks.

I believed him, because I felt so strongly about him by that time that I was hooked.

He needed to see me every waking moment he could get, on my way to work, when I finished work, even if only for a few minutes.He was very flattering to the point of being sickly with it, I was a goddess, beautiful, too good for him,etc. He could not belive I wanted him!

Then after we became intimate, his attention started to wane a little and I started to notice that he was watching someone else, blatantly in front of me, as thought he was oblivious that I was even in the room.

Then a pattern started to emerge, his texts on certain days would be different, he would simply want to know if I was at work or not.

Even in the presence of this other woman, he would still be right by my side, he would not want to leave me, he would follow me around as much as he could during the working day.

I chose NOT to believe it of him, because his words seemed so sincere, his, obsessive stalking seemed so sincere, even to the point where others where stating to comment on his attention towards me.

Then I started to notice that there were the odd lies, in his sentences, and certainly lying through omission.

He would say things which I knew were not about me, as though he was mixing me up with somoene else. It became a regular thing.

When I did come across actual proof that he was also seeing the other woman, I confronted him, and he blatantly denied any contact with her at all, saying he hardly spoke to her, didn;t know where she lived, atc, and all of those things were lies, I had been in their presencve when those things had been discussed.

Over the next few days, he hounded me with continual texting, following me, declaring his total adoration, 'how could I believe it of him, I trusted him, and he trusted me, etc' and I'm ashamed to admit that I fell for it, I was made to feel in the wrong for thinking it of him, he also would come to me with tales of woe, his mother was dying, his son was seriously ill, all sorts of pity stories, anything which deflected from the issue which really needed to be dealt with. Sometimes it was actually quite sickly, but I WAS HOOKED!

I can't even explain myself, only to say that I saw how he was with her, I knew he was intimate with her, and I saw it in her as well, and every time I asked ehim to dlete my number from his phone, he would do it, and then within half an hour, he would text again, with very long statements of his love for me, his devotion, his pleads of " there is only you,there has only ever been you"

His cries of innocence and dedication towards me were so convincing that I started to believe it was me who was being paranoid. I started to question mysself because of how much I loved him.

Here I was, actually watching this woman take him to another room, and listening to heated voices, obviously she was also questioning him about me, he could not have made it any clearer that he was obsessed with me.

I so wanted to approach her, to talk to her, to find out if she was receiving the same treatment, but I couldn't because of my marital status, and HE KNEW IT!

He actually started to take what I can only call pleasure in hinting to me that he had been with her the day before, or early that morning, and I felt that he was playing very cruel games with me.

After a while, aan I think, digging a big hole for himself, he went to work somewhere else, and although gutted, I was relieved as well. I thought he would leave me alone, asked him to delete my number and that would be that.

It was not. while he worked out his notice, he became even more persistent, bombarded me with declarations of love, said he could not imagine his life without me in it, and wanted me to be there as his lover forever.

On other occasions I get what i consider to be just friendly texts,and if I answer in the same manner, I don't recieve any for a day or two, and then back he comes with the total adoration and over the top words that I used to get at the beginning, he even talks as thought we have only just started seeing each other, like it's a new conquest for him.

If I create any drama whatsoever, question him, challenge him, he completely wipes it out of memory, as if it hasn't happened, and carries on as before.He just tells me, you know me so well, better than anyone I have ever known, you understand me like no-one ever has.

It is so very frustrating, and i am still here waiting for his texts, addicted to that contact from him.

I feel that he is trying to let me go gently, bit by bit, and just start to begin to let go, and then he comes back for more.

All I get from him now are words, he doesn't seem to want to meet me face to face and when he does make arrangements, something always goes wrong, we can even be together and someone will call him with an excuse for him to leave, which he does promptly.

He says he can't let me go, I'm the love of my life, I could have anyone I want, and he feels the luckiest man alive becauese I 'chose' him and 'love' him.

Why can't I let this jerk go and get on with my life?

I know I love him, but I also know I don't like the person I am finding him to be.

I haven't the strength just yet, to not answer him,if I ignore him I start to feel panicky.

I could really do with some advice, does he sound like a sociopath?, how do I deal with him?

He is very secretive with me, but yet he is always wanting to know where I am, what I'm doing, he is jealous, suspicious, and cautious with me, and yet I have never done anything to hurt him, and never would, even knowing the things I do about him.

I've never asked anything of him, only for him to be honest with me, he syays he is!

More importantly, how do I get to the bottom of his feelings for me? He sounds so sincere most of the time, and I'm not sure if I HAVE been over paranoid myself?

Am I dealing with a sociopath or just a player?


Ataloss 4 years ago

p.s.

He also has only numbers in his phone, no names, and has even shown me a number upon receiving a call, and asked " I dont't recognise this number do you?" and when he answered, he claimed it was a family member!

I'm beginning to think he may have a few women's numbers like this now, and I am only one of them.

When I did confront him about the other woman, his answer was " You are the one I'm in love with" and " I know you are the one for me, my lover, best friend, my soulmate"


ElleJay 4 years ago

ah those 'lies by omission' my god the sociopath is good at them. Also the 'half told story' to make you believe what they want you to believe, which they can then claim never to have meant because the full story was...(fill in the blank) and it was YOUR paranoia that made you believe he meant what you KNOW he wanted you to believe.

Confused? You will be.


Ataloss 4 years ago

That's the damn hardest part isn't it, the confusion. I've actually been with him on our own miles from nowhere and felt that he was disengaged from me, like he had something or someone else on his mind, and was in a rush to get it over with.

I just don't understand all this obsessional stuff for me when he quite clearly has something going with another woman. He claims his wife is a nag (yes the old cliche)

He is a stickler for timing, I can time when he will contact me to the nearest five minutes, until his routine changed, probably to fit in with someone else's schedule. This has now left me paranoid as well if he is late, doesn't bother now and tehn. Is this his way of playing mind games with me?

At what point to you get to before saying that's enough??

I know I'm writng here what I believe to be true of him, but as I write it, I'm actually still hoping that I've imagined all of it,he is so damn convincing.

He even says to me " I could never do that to you, you can see right through me, you are the only person who ever could"

My closest of friends are now telling me that I am becoming obsessed with HIM, I dont think its obsession in my case,i thnk it is more the wanting him to admit the things he has done, so that I can walk away easier, but of course he never will, and he will not let go of me either.


ifonlyInew 4 years ago

I have also been a victim of a socio path. Beaten emotionally, physically, lied to over and over. I have been so traumatized that I now have PTSD. I am love him and depise him all at the same time. This man DID get violent when confronted with his lies. I had to have a family/ friend intervention just to get me out. I was brain washed. I have been out for 2 months I had to move to another state the list goes on. I feel very foolish to have fallen for this. He still haunts me in my dreams..flash backs during the day. Please if you have encountered someone like this please please RUN and dont ever look back! They are very cunning and do know what they are doing to you. I know for a fact that he already has a new victim in his clutches. It makes me feel horrible that I cant save HER. She is in the reeling in phases of this. There is nothing that I can do. I had to save me. Thank you for sharing all of your stories. You have helped me today more than you can ever imagine. Listen to your gut when you feel that something isnt quite right. I did and THERE is. Thank you again and may God bless.


oldsilky 4 years ago

i hope i have done it broke the hold shehas over me, yes i still love her cannot get her out of my mind and i miss her, but now it has gone to a level that even i have to accept, i have been arrested by the police, and called in several times i have a harrassment order out on me and i did nothing. The police get this impression she is this helpless victim being torroised by me.

Not true have not seen her for 4 months but the jolt of court action and the notification of this made her act like this, but i am doing what i set out to do, she emotionaly blackmailed be time and time again, i want what is minne back the money is gone, i have nothing and i am homeless but to get back my possessions is a start for me. I have been told that no one dared take her on as she knows how to frighten her men off,. but i am determined to see this throuigh if i win great if i do not i have to accept it, but at least she is getting a taste of her own medicine now and knows what it is like to have her self under pressure, strange she moved her husband back in, this man supposed to have raped her, she lied and lied it is her way of getting what she needed and i was told by her i was her greatest conquest the biggest fool she had ever met. how she enjoyed spending my pension and watching me work myself to death for her. you would think after that i would hate her, no i have alot of resentment and yet in the back of my mind i still love the woman i must be losing my mind or lost it. but we will see now i am slowly getting there i cry over her stil i cannot help it. It was supposed to be the best xmas ever now itis the worst and she has my home and my possessions and will be having her good time. But with the court action looming over the holiday period maybe it just might be playing on her mind.

Evil vindictive and malicous woman never ever dreamed it could happen to me and i do not know whether i have it in me to love again, hope all have a very nice xmas anyway

Bob


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Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Ataloss, you want something that will never happen, not in a million years. You want your sociopathic lover to admit to being wrong, to admit to treating you badly, to acknowledge you as a person, and to sincerely regret his actions, but you know that will never happen. Remember you said "I had seen him giving the same signals out to other women at work;" this is what they do, they troll the waters and reel in whoever they catch first. I feel so badly for all of you; it is so damaging what sociopaths do to our lives. They are not content until they ruin everything, and until they have sapped everything dry, our finances, our emotions, our relationships, everything; then when it's all gone, they move on to the next victim. I firmly believe that there are many more sociopathic personalities out there than commonly believed. So many of them are never in a position to be documented and counted! They just move from victim to victim, draining them financially, and they still manage to stay within the law. Occasionally one goes too far, and then they are formally counted as a sociopath. But most of them troll the waters, reel in their victims, siphon off everything they can, and then when things get difficult, they simply move on. They know how to snare their prey. Many many people are unhappy in their marriage. The sociopath knows this. All he or she has to do at work is catch a person's eye and hold the stare a little longer than appropriate. The prey's reaction is a signal to take it further. The prey who is already unhappy will react with gratitude and interest, saying to themselves, "See! Someone appreciates me and sees my good qualities, even though my mean old husband or cold-hearted wife does not!" and then the race is on. The prey - the victim - finds themselves eventually left with nothing. Their spouse is gone, their money, their reputation, their relationships with family and friends, all gone. I am not a qualified professional; I can only give advice based on what I have seen over and over again. Get out, get out now. If you have already lost most of your money, staying with your sociopath will not get your money back. If you wise up and get out, you may eventually be able to regain your reputation and perhaps find love again. Just get out of your horrible situation because it can and usually does get worse. Get out, give yourself some time, be cautious in your next relationship. Pay attention to the past of a new love interest. Just know that most sociopaths have a story to tell and they're usually variations on a common theme. They tell you how horrible their ex was to them. They tell you how unfairly they have been treated. They explain why their current financial situation is not their fault. They awaken in you the desire to help make things better, to be their saviour, their healer. Wishing all of you here a safe and happy future.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I also meant to include in my comment this important point. You cannot and must not go by what they SAY. You can only go by what they do. Observe their current actions and analyze their past actions. Is there a pattern? For example, have they already been married several times, and do they tell you that all of their exes treated them badly and destroyed their financial reputation? Hmmmmm. I have noted that the best scenario for making an assessment of a potential lover or spouse is to establish a relationship with the ex. That's when you get the real story. Try to stay cool in the beginning and be smart. Don't immediately get all starry-eyed and think, This is the One! That behaviour is for the young ones; they can't help it; it's hormonal. As you mature, you need to find a way to keep a cool head and be able to make an intelligent decision. Don't be overcome with happiness because he/she wants you. Be smart. Protect yourself and your family, especially your children.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Thankyou so much for your reply,

you are spot on with the holdng the stare a little bit longer thing! it was almosy hypnotic when he watched me, his pupils would dilate fully as though he was mesmerised, and then another time in conversation, his eyes would glaze over as though he was in another world of thought altogether.

This man has rifled through my personal things at work, told my colleagues that he is looking for spy equipment, because he thinks (I am crazy, and stalking him!)

Of course this was after I confronted him, challenged him, questioned him and told him I had proof of the other woman!

He was so manipulating, and had so many pity stories, that I ended up trying to believe he regretted what he had done.

And then after seeing me cry, he bombarded me with absolute totally in love with you statements, up to forty times a day.

That has died down a little now, but he is still texting me, wanting to talk on the phone, but when making arrangements to actually see me, something always happens (on his part) to stop the meeting.

Of course, I know he is worried that I will get close to the other woman, talk to her, or even worse, do something with this proof I have.

I think to be fair, that is the only thing which is keeping him in contact with me.

I am beginning to laugh to myself now, but those smiles only last a short while, in reality, I am devastated for allowing myself to fall in love with this man, for allowing myself to go against all of my morals and beliefs for him, and I think it is myself with whom I am most disappointed, in fact, it is that which I am trying to come to terms with more than anything.

I, like everyone else on here, am at the point of wanting some kind of revenge on this parasite, but I know it would never be worth the trouble.

So for now, I just read his texts and smile to myself, and then cry again when I am alone.


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Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I hope you find a way to distract yourself from this situation and eventually be able to move past it. Perhaps you shouldn't read his texts, or just skim them to see if he is threatening you. Do some damage assessment; for example, has he or will he damage your career? I am sending positive thoughts and best wishes your way.


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Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

brokenrose, it certainly sounds as though being with a sociopath is sometimes addictive. Please, think of your self-esteem and ways to improve it and consider this: do you deserve this kind of treatment? No, you do not, no one does, you must break this cycle and improve your emotional well-being.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Brokenrose, thank you for your side of the story.

It's a little different for me, I can't confront his other woman beacause I am married with a lot of other things going on at home, and he knows this, he knows I won't talk to her, I don't know her well enough to trust her!! It's as though he is laughing at me when we are all in the same room together,(we haven't been for a while now) Indeed he has even poked and prodded me like a child, patronisingly when he thinks I have noticed him watching her. He often behaves like this, like a little child who has been naughty!!

I know she suspects the same of me, I can tell by the way she looks at me, she gets uncomfortable around me,she has snapped at me, asked me where I've been on certain days,etc. lately we have become a little more friendly, and every time we do, I get some sort of major drama from him by text by the end of the day!! There are too many coincidences like this happening for it to be my imagination!!

I know for sure that he has lied to her about me, given her the idea that I am stalking him or something like that, but anyone with poor eyesight could see that he would never leave my side, it was always him following me, never the other way round.

It makes me feel so sad that he could be saying lies to her and other people about me, but there is nothing I can do about that, and it makes me feel useless.

He is still telling me that I am on his mind every waking minute of the day,I'm the love of his life, but yet NOT wanting to see me in person.

I know that he will always want me in the background, and this is why he tells me these things.

We had arranged to see each other soon, and I KNEW there would be an excuse or new drama come up in time, and guess what, it has!!

I just feel empty now, is latest one is that his wife is suspicious, so he needs to be careful!! I don't believe that for a moment, he is too clever for that one!!

I'm just so sad inside, I went into this thinking he was going to be my happiness amidst all of the other negativity in my life,I really thought I knew him well enough to be able to trust him and it has shattered me, just totally shattered me.

Sylvia, thank you for your adavice, I have ignored his contact today, there was more drama involved, and I just can't cope with it any more now.

I hope I can carry on ignoring him,a dn i hope it will get easier day by day.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Brokenrose, it's not that I don't trust HER, I just don't know how much of a spell he has put on her,if she would believe me or not, and most importantly, if she would keep MY secret safe.

If he has been as convincing to her as he has me, then she will be bewitched and just take me as a psycho who is nothing more than jealous.

I do know that since he left my place of work, he has pursued me by text and calls, telling me he is missing me so much, can't wait to hold me, smell me, just be near me,he loves me so much and yet I also know that he is holding back on me.

Why would anyone want to be so cruel? I have told him to be honest and just say if it is over for him, he swears not.

We were also due to meeet today, but another crisis happened for him, so it didn't happen. To be honest, I didn't feel I wanted to see him this time, I'm so worn out from it all, but yet I would have for sure, such is the hold he has had on me.

Looking back now I remember times when he has talked of his financial troubles, told me things would be better if he could just afford this and that, needs money to fix his car, etc, I havent given him money for these things, and I now think that is why he has moved on from me and on to another who may be more willing to give than I am.

I have read Sam Vaknin's sites about narcissists and sociopaths, and my goodness, it is striking how many things have fallen into place for me.

Every time my gut instinct felt off balance I chose not to listen to it. How wrong I was!!

This cruel unfeeling man is definitely at least a narcissist and very probably a sociopath.

All the blatant lies, deceit, projecting blame onto me, making me feel guilty for his actions, denial for his wrong doings, full on and then backing off, if I joke with him, he sees it as a threat/sarcasm, stood or sat by my side every available moment. He has never asked me any questions about myself, only let me talk and took it all in, and then made connections with me, likes, dislikes, etc, just happen to be the same as mine.

He sometimes mentions certain things about me many times over for days, and then another day forgets that thing about me altogether.

He sometimes mentions his very first pick up lines to me as though he is only just starting out with me (we have been together just over a year)

On the day when it was one year, he passed it off as just a normal day, even when reminded.

He has shown stalking tendencies towards me, especially in the beginning, and then again after I challenged him, the list goes on.

I suppose it's the same for anyone once you have fallen for these people. They make you feel so good in the beginning that it is almost enchanting, and that is a feeling no-one wants to let go of.

I also think he enjoys playing two women off against each other, it's another thing that boosts his ego.

I do have another question if anyone can answer please.

Is it a normal thing for narcissists and/or sociopaths to have problems in the intimacy department?

eg, impotency or loss of interest, is it due to insecurity, or just connected to the thrill of the chase?

I would welcome any input to this, many thanks.


Ataloss 4 years ago

As I said , I have read and read as many sites as possible about ths mental illness.

A sociopath will NEVER admit to being a liar, he/she will, when called up on a lie, will only react with another, even deeper lie, a more dramatic story, and another reason why you should not have doubted them.

They are good actors, they have already worked out that you love them, do not want to doubt them,and want them to keep on loving you, and so the mind games begin!

They will NEVER admit to have done anything wrong to you, if you call them up on a wrong doing, they will very cleverly turn it round so that it is YOUR fault, or at least everyone else's.

They willl quickly change the subject or ply you with a sympathy/pity story, again, to bring you round to feeling sorry that you have called them up on something.

If and when they feel that you are really sussing them out, or are very close to the truth, or exposing them, they will simply back off from you without a backward glance leaving you feeling abandoned and alone!

Ater all you mean nothing to them, and you are no longer any good to them when you are NOT conforming.

The only way you can hope to keep these people on your side and hope they stay with you, is to simply comply to everything they say to you, never challenge or question them, and live a life of uncertainty, frustration, devastation, a feeling of unworthiness and doubt for your own gut instincts, in short, allow them to manipulate and control you forever, and put up with all that they do to put you down.

It is very easy for them to get others on THEIR side, they put on a false facade. People will see a caring, gentle, loving, empathetic person from the outside, they are SO cinvincing that no-one would ever believe YOU should you speak ill of them.

I have felt in this man's presence sometimes that I am in a play, his outward actions are as though they have been rehearsed.

He too mentions things I like/dislike, which I actually have never even discussed, he mixes me up wiht the other woman constantly, even to what shifts we work, what days off we have, etc. He sends me texts which are generic, ones which can be sent on to anyone else, and he probably does send them to the other one as well!

He has sent me texts which were definitely NOT meant for me, answers to questions which I did not even ask. I have asked, "was this one meant for someone else?" He was quites blatantly also texting someone else at the same times even as he was me! I'm sure the other woman must have been getting her texts all wrong as well.

It is right what they say, you do end up feeling like YOU are going crazy, when you know, but you cannot prove anything.

Every time I have interacted with this other woman, mentioned him, even in just normal conversation, I have had a reation by the end of the day, it has been so obvious to me that she has spoken to him about it to him.

This has been going on for a long time now, but like everyone else in this situation, I end up telling myself I am being over paranoid.

I have not been 100% sure if he is seeing her, or doing it dleiberately to get a reaction from me, either way, it is so cruel.

I think mine has known for some time that I am beginning to wise up to him, not believing him any more, I have been letting him know, even if only with hints, and his reaction this week has been to deliver me with a big drama about his wife, saying all hell has broken loose, quite obviously a scare tactic for me. This was all in a simple text, I didnt even mean enough to him to deserve a meeting face to face for this explanation!

He has cleverly done it so that I cannot answer him, and has not contacted me since,like I said above, backed off completely and left me high and dry and with the worry.

I don't believe any of it at all, there have been too many lies, and I am so worn down with it.

I don't expect to hear from him again, but I do know that if I do, I WILL NOT BE REPLYING,this man is not worthy of my loyalty!

I know he knew I was close to ending things, and of course he would not have been able to allow that rejection, not from me, not from anyone!

He has done as I expected, no less, and I know now for sure where I stand with him!

I feel I should talk to the other woman, warn her, verify all the things which she would have felt were not right, but it is not my place to do that. It is up to her to realise all of that on her own. I feel so sorry for her if she has gone throught the same as I have, but the best thing for me to do is to think about MYSELF and my own immediate family.

This has been a horrible year for me, I have other issues to work on in the new year, and in my heart I know I can work on them without this parasite in my life.

It will take me a long time to move on from this, it has involved and to some point affected my profession. He has simply moved away from that and made himself safe without a second thought for me!

I hope I can salvage some self respect for myself. I am trying to tell myself it has all been one big lie, never happened, but would also like to be able to think that I meant something to him, that some of the things he said were sincere, I know I'm hoping against all odds, but I think it may help me get through.

I will continue to visit this site, when I feel I need some encouragement, it has helped me so far, and I thank everyone on here for their stories.

I do feel alone sat here on my pc, but I know I can talk on here and vent my feelings.

I just have to get through Christmas, and then the New year,and so on, all day by day, and let's see how it goes.

I am thankful that I am a strong person, that I saw these things in him as early as I did, I am just so angry with myself for allowing it to carry on, I loved him so much, I still do, but more than that I feel sorry for him that he will never be able to feel real love for what it is.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Some posts have been hidden at the request of the poster.


crushed 4 years ago

I hope you are being strong ataloss. I have been reading your plight and it is so sad. Did you avoid contact or cave and see him today? I hope you are doing all you can to stay away.

I have been in a terrible relationship with a man almost identical to yours. But after almost a year of torment, lies, and sadness, I have moved on.

I have picked up and left. Removed myself from the situation. It is the only was to get away. I needed to have some respect for myself and not be treated basically like a stupid whore. He continually tries to contact me. But I am not giving in. He made me alienate so many people and made me believe terrible things about them. No more.

I wish you would have the strength to talk to the other woman because then you can save her from the ugliness that is yet to come. And perhaps she can save you too.

Hope you are strong and wish you luck for the future.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Congratulations on getting away, crushed. Stay strong.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Crushed, thankyou, your story helps, i know I'm not alone in going through this in my life.

Today I have cried because of something in my own seperate life which was significant to me today, I have spent at least the last nine months crying! I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I can't get off.

This man who promised he would always be there for me when I needed him is not here.I don't expect miracles, and for him to be here in the flesh all the time, but being there does mean if I need to talk, need to be held??

I need him so much, miss him so much, but yet when i hear from him, I don't believe a word he says to me,I want to, but I can't, and that makes me cry even more.

He created a personal crisis, just in time to stop our meeting, which if true, I can understand, but I don't believe it is. How sad does a man have to be that he can't be honest and say "I don't really want to see you, I have moved on now" I have asked him to tell me if this is how he feels, he says he can't ever lose me, I am on his mind constantly!

He says he could never hurt me, I tell him dishonesty is the worse thing which would hurt me, but he still does it because he is a coward??

He contacted me, only after a long enough time that our planned meeting had disappeared without happening, and he felt ready to come back, never even mentioning it, like it meant nothing to him.

I wanted to scream at him, shout at him, but all he can talk about is how HE is going through hell, he has things to deal with, and this is all only by texts, he won't allow me to come face to face with him to discuss anything.

He is leaving me in the background hanging on like a piece of elastic, no contact for a couple of days, and then out of the blue " Hello beautiful lady, blah blah blah"

I think one of the above posts is right, it is like an addiction. I am addicted. I think to myself when he contacts me, I'm going to ignore him, but I can't!

Again, I answered but was a little off with him and hey presto, no reply, and he won't again for a while.

I am constantly thinking, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have been impatient, and the list goes on with all the things I shouldn't have becasue it made him back off and ignore me to punish me.

It is like dealing with a spoilt brat of a child all the time, he has lots of childish ways about him.

I spend most of my time thinking, does he feel threatened by me?, intimidated by me? is this why he is this way, but he says not. He says it's becasue he is insecure and cautious!

I just don't have the strength to tell him to leave me alone, and yet I have felt for months that that is exactly what he is trying to tell me to do.

I feel he is continually pushing me so that I will end it becasue he does not have the guts to tell me himself.

When I asked him this question he gave me such a convincing act of love, sincerity, and even produced real tears, he was supposedly so upset at the suggestion.

I never imagined that there were so many emotions one person could feel inside before I met this man, I wish I had never had that first kiss with him, I wish I had never said yes to that first meeting, I wish so many things now, every time I reply to him, I wish I hadn't because I can see his smiling smirking face even though he is not in front of me, and yet I need to be near him to feel that feeling again.

I have got through another day with no contact from him, but not easily, I have waited all day with my phone in my pocket, not knowing if he is at work, at home, if he is even thinking about me on this important day.

And I am so so sad, but I guess I am too busy trying to understand how he feels all the time.

How long will it take before I start to think about myself and how he has made me feel?

I feel so sorry for HIM all the time, and I ghues that;s where I'm going wrong??


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am not religious, but the passage in the Bible, 1 Corinthians, is powerful: "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." When dealing with my own little sociopath, I always repeat those words: Love is kind, and that tells me right there what is really going on here. I suggest you think about these powerful words and ask yourself, Is my 'love' patient? Is his or her love for me 'kind?' If not, you know what you should do.


crushed 4 years ago

Very appropriate passage, Sylvia. I know from my own experience with my sociopath, I was very strong when I did not see him or speak with him. The very moment I made contact, whether in person, or on the phone, I lost all rationality. I was under the spell. I forgot all of the strong reasons for saying enough. I fell for it over and over. Hook, line, and sinker. I couldn't speak. I wasn't angry. I had no thoughts of my own. I had rehearsed in my head, over and over, how I would handle the situation. I cried many times. And yet, in his presence, I was nothing. I had no brain.

Why do we allow someone to have this control? Why do we allow someone to make us question ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to hurt so badly and yet want to continue this vicious cycle? It is most certainly an addiction. That is why it is so important to remove yourself from the situation. It is the only way.

Time heals all wounds. It isn't easy. But know that you when you are truly loved, you never question it. You never have doubts, you never feel lied to, cheated, and most definitely never feel badly about yourself.

Standing strong and getting stronger every day. Finally free and starting to to see clearly. If you are looking for revenge or a way to "win" , walk away and never look back. The view is much better on this side. Good luck.


passion1 4 years ago

Today I celebrate four months since my breakup with my spath. Saved my 37 year marriage (my wonderful wife knew something was wrong but never knew that I had fallen for a much younger woman) Saved my relationship with my wonderful children....salvaged other friendships which had suffered......regained control of my business which I had neglected for the six months we were together.....Realizing early enough that I was dealing with a troubled young woman that saved me thousands of dollars and an ocean of tears..well maybe not quite an ocean..but it had been many years since I shed any tears over a breakup...All of this being said the recurring question is WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M THE LOSER? I continue to "fix her" in my imagination. I clean her up in my fantasies yet I know that in reality she could only be worse here four months later.I totally relate to all the posts that I read and empathize with every word of every situation. Anyone that has never walked in our shoes will ever understand the impact and strength of that psychopathic bond.There has been no contact since late September when as I said in an earlier post she tried to hustle me for 500 bucks. I think that refusal plus the fact that I evicted her from her apartment was shocking enough to her that she may never contact me again.. I believe that she had never felt rejection...but guess what...secretly as many of you have experienced..I wish and hope every day that she will contact me while praying that she doesn't. I so miss those early idealization memories yet am so happy that I'm not still listening to all the lies..while knowing they were lies just going along with them for the sake of our time together ...which continued to decrease and become more stressful each week.So many of you know exactly what I'm feeling. Those of you recently split from your paths...hang in there ..it does get better..there will be peaks and valleys in your recovery but eventually the peaks will be higher and more frequent..the vallys will gradually become fewer and not quite as deep with each passing day.As hard as it is to accept we must let it go..Who was it that said that holding a grudge is like drinking arsonic and expecting it to affect the other person we must let it go to survive. I guess I have rambled enough. Thank you all and Merry Christmas.


Michelle Nichols profile image

Michelle Nichols 4 years ago

A guy I dated when I was a kid ran across me on facebook about a year and a half ago.. He was so charming and kept asking me to move where he is and talked of us being together forever I was the love hes always looked for etc.. I moved here to be with him. Its been story after story always moving supposedly has all this money but drives a crappy car everytime he pops in which is every couple of months usually. Hes never let me know where he lives says he has too many stalkers.. When we are together he is so caring and loving and affectionate well he seems that way and then the next day or a couple later he starts his games again he met the love of his life but he always tells me he wants me and cares for me n hes crazy for not wanting to be in a relationship that things have changed. But always he tells me he found someone new. omg I feel like a crazy person trying to describe this my mind is going everywhere but I guess thats what he does to me. I lost so much weight.. have been very depressed and every time I start to move on he pops back in my life. Its like he doesn't really want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me. He poisons my mind against myself even trys to about family and friends that he says hes driven halfway across the country to find out about me and I know thats lies too.. He hasn't spoke to anyone about me. Everything he said he liked before.. if he found out I liked it now he hates it always contradictory. He always talks about other girls two weeks ago he even told me he was going to this club to see a band and I was meeting him there.. as soon as I got there another girl came up to me and asked if I was so and so I said yes. She walked off then kept lookin at me for a little bit so I went up to her and asked why she wanted to know who I was. She said you know "Joe" I told her yes.. and she then said well hes mine stay away I just wished her and him the best and walked away. That really was the turning table for me in this whole thing. I never imagined him being capable of hurting me like that sure hes said all kinds of mean things like he wish I was dead or called me all kinds of names and ran me down. But when we are together.. I can see in him that none of that was true I just always thought there was some other reason for him being that way toward me that he just was too scared to tell me. I am positive this man is a sociopath.. he is the most patholgical lieing hateful decieving person i've ever known in my life.. haha and I bet if he came to my door right now I would just wanna hug him he has me so messed up. I text him last night and asked him if he was a sociopath or had been diagnosed.. well you can guess i'm sure what the response was to that. He is still texting me and I havent said one word back to him since I told him I thought he was one. I've definately upset him.. I'm trying to move on again this little bit of info has helped me some I think knowing why.. all this time the biggest thing was just not knowing or understanding why he stayed away when things were always so perfect when we were together.. I do miss him but I pray everyday someone comes into my life and pushes him right out of my heart.


Sarah Marcoux 4 years ago

I began dating my soon to be ex husband in highschool almost 10 years ago. He was cute, charming, attentive, the whole package. Or so I thought... This kid fed me lie after lie for years. He joined the army after high school and met another girl while he was in basic training. After he completed his training and was at his permanent duty station called me up one day and asked me how good my credit score was and if I would co-sign on a car loan for him. I'll admit I was flattered, HE needed me for something. He came to me when he needed help. Well a few weeks after I signed my name on the dotted line, he invites this girl from basic training out to stay a weekend with him (I also had to learn things like this incident through snooping, but way after all this happened). A few months after I had signed, I started getting phone calls from a credit union if never heard of and wouldn't answer assuming it was telemarketers. I finally took the call and found out my boyfriend had not made one single car payment! I was furious, but wrote a check for $856. Long story short, the car ended up having to be voluntarily surrendered. Leaving my credit and his pretty damaged. Did he care? No. Incidents like this one and many others prior to us getting married should have alerted me that this man could potentially do much more. Since getting married he will randomly say he wants a divorce when he is mad over something I have said (the final thing being me trying to have a discussion over what to buy him for christmas). He always wants to assume the role of the "victim". Needless to say I am now beginning the overwhelming process of getting over all of the hurt and anger this jerk has caused me. It took me 10 years to see him for who he truly is, a sociopath.


messedup 4 years ago

This whole time I have been thinking that the man I have been with was a sociopath but now I am beginning to think that the "other" woman allegedly having a relationship with him is the sociopath. She convinced me that he was the sociopath and that he was a liar and had no emotions and can never love. She warned me that he was dangerous and that we could never confront him or talk to him about it. She even convinced me to go see a therapist. Now, I think it was all her game. She wanted me out of the picture. She wanted him and even though he was turning down her advances, she couldn't accept that he was with me instead of her. She is the one who is attached to his hip. She comes in early to work just so she can spend more time with him and she stays late at night again to get more time. She follows him out when she leaves and she even makes sure her car is next to his in the lot. She texts him constantly and is on the phone with him all of the time too. I am pretty sure she is stalking me. I get calls that have clearly been blocked from appearing on my caller id. The calls always come minutes after he leaves work for the day. It is like she is checking to see if he is with me. I think she might have put a GPS tracking device on my car too. She has alienated me from my friends. She was a friend of mine before I started to figure things out but she was still trying to spin the stories and make me feel like I was crazy and that I was wrong. She would cry crocodile tears. She manipulates everyone around her to do whatever she wants them to do. Whether to change their schedule to accommodate hers, to dictate how and when she wants things to happen, and she even manipulates her boss to always do as she wants without a care for others involved and how it may impact them. She takes in information but hardly shares a thing unless looking for sympathy. She uses the info to morph into whatever she thinks you would want her to be or like. So, if you say I love Metallica, tomorrow she will have it on her ipod ready for you to hear. (like she has loved it for years) If you say you love the color blue, tomorrow she will be wearing it just to catch your attention. She has a very sexual past with many partners and no relationships with any of them. Even if she isn't a sociopath, she is most certainly a narcissist. She has paid for her body ten times over. Although, she is still pretty ugly if you ask me but she has a very outgoing personality that she does use effectively to make up for that. She is very superficial and had told me that when she feels wronged she will get revenge in spades. I worry that she has some evidence against me that she will use to destroy my marriage and my career. I do not put it past her. The man I was with insisted she was lying to me about their relationship and I didnt believe him. But when I went back and looked at all of our correspondence and thought about our talks, I realized that she was inconsistent and that she was lying. She went out of her way to flirt with him in front of me, to hang around(after all she was the one who came to see him- he didnt go to see her) She wanted me to believe they had something going on. I feel so manipulated, so betrayed, and so stupid. Despite efforts on my part to remove myself from her path and change my hours and days, she always manages to be around, or make me see that she is there. I know she has used other people to find out where I am, what I am up to, and how I am. I never thought that SHE was the problem. I would love to confront her, but to what end. She would probably just laugh and tell me that I am crazy. So, for me trying to stay away is all I can do now. I continue my relationship with him but do it much more quietly so she does not have a clue what we are up to. Does anyone know if there is a way to find out who is calling when the caller ID says anonymous? What if you are being harassed- don't you have a right to know where the call is coming from?


CantLoseHope 4 years ago

I can't help but feel there was some purpose in coming across this thread, where the experiences and feelings are all eerily similar to my experiences over the past year.

A bit of of background for you. We met on an online dating site ... I'd joined for one month after seeing a stint of commercials thinking why not try something new, maybe the people on these sites are more sincere in what they're looking for than just the average bar-go'er, etc.

The first message he sent me was "perfect"... flattering, indicating that I was one of the few on the site who caught his eye, was "normal", the whole schpeal. I should admit, as a somewhat hopeless romantic, I was intrigued. But one line stood out and always did. It was the sign I ignored. He'd said "I need someone like you in my life".

Within my first response back he immediately asked for my number. When I sent it in an email, around 11 pm one night, he was awake. Wanted to talk. (Notice the urgency? I didn't - I took it as flattering). In the conversation he said he didn't want to wait to meet, let's get together the next day. Ok I said, thinking what a great impression I must have made. On the first date, he was more affectionate than I would have normally expected a person to be on the first date.. When I got home, called immediately to talk well into the night. Again, sadly, the insecurities that reside in me somehow felt validated, accepted by all of this and so happy to find someone apparently so attentive and wonderful.

Within two dates he made it very clear he'd gotten off the dating site and basically expected me to as well.. and of course I did. When I went out with a group of girls a few nights later, I saw what I should have taken to heart.. He created a fight over some insignificant thing and accused me of making him look "crazy" because he suspected I was talking to him (fighting w/ him) in front of them. Despite telling him that no, I'd gone to my car out of respect, he turned the fight on me. Began to call me names and accuse me. I was a little weary of all of this, but within a day or two he said to me I know this is fast, but I think I love you. Although I thought it was fast, we had such an apparent connection that I let it go. In reality, this man never really had a connection with anyone, I was a means to something he needed. His sister had met a wonderful man a few years back on an online dating site as was happily married. His brother - also happily married. Parents very much excited to see him with someone... and in reality, I think I just happened to fit what he felt his family expected of someone he should be with (stable job, caring, nurturing, etc.)... I tear up writing this, knowing that his emotions and words never had sincerity behind them, but maybe one other person will connect with this and not feel alone in their situation.

Anyways, over the 8 months or so we were together, I discovered lie after lie as his stories started to falter. Like most sociopaths, all his ex's or people he'd dated had either wronged him or were crazy. Most likely untrue of most .. his sister once told me his ex's were wonderful people and that relationships ended because he was too selfish. Well I can only imagine that's a small part in a much larger picture. He would lie about his smoking (told me he didn't, smokes 4-5 a day), about his financial situation (told me he partially owned a place, but really was renting), about where he was, etc. Every time I would say wait, what you just said doesn't match what was said the other day, he'd twist and turn until I was convinced that I was either mistaken or in the wrong. He called me vicious names, preyed on the things he knew I was insecure about, made me feel like he was so wonderful that I was lucky to be with him and should be careful not to lose him. He gambled.. A LOT. Impulsive, irresponsible behavior - Check. He would buy cars, bikes, anything to sustain his interest for the short while before he would have a reason for getting rid of it. And the most hurtful, confusing part .. how he could verbally confirm his love (wanting to marry me, etc.) but could not keep plans to save his life. There was always some reason, usually work or snowboarding or cars, that he would use to break plans. I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy and hurt, why when I'd try to accommodate and say ok, let's just stay in and cook or whatever, that he would turn it on me saying I wasn't respecting him and how he was tired or whatever it was that day. He doesn't have many close friends and breaks ties quickly. Loses his temper SO easily. ALL SIGNS I SHOULD NOT HAVE IGNORED. When I finally did try to break up with him, he said he'd never give up on this. Until he actually broke it off with me. In a weird way, I was almost happy he did because I felt like I could breath. I could escape the constant fighting and drama and pain he brought into my life.

It's been five months and he continues to drag me along, texting or reaching out ever so often to ensure he keeps that connection, that hold. I've looked at the profile of a sociopath ( http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html ) and it fits him to a tee. It's scary.

I know I do not want him or the ups and downs emotionally that he brings, in my life. Does anyone have advice on how to safely disassociate from someone like this .. based upon threats he'd said he could do to an ex-best friend, I do fear on some level his ability to retaliate.

But on a positive note, as this site hopefully confirms, none of us are alone in what we've been through. I wish everyone the best and hope that we all emerge stronger, but still open to love, maybe more guarded, but hopeful. Hope is the only thing that can't be taken away unless we allow it to.

And as Crushed mentioned in an earlier post, and should be a reminder to anyone either in, or trying to move on from, a sociopathic relationship: When you're truly loved by another person, you never have to doubt their feelings (emphasis on actions, NOT words ... if they don't match up, there's a reason. It's control), you never feel lied to (no matter how small the lie, don't ignore your gut. If the lies start to pile up, be very careful ... it's not normal to be lied to by someone who claims to love you), cheated (I pray this doesn't happen to anyone, but is a potentially inevitable reality of being in a relationship with a sociopath - someone who will always put themselves before and above anyone else because truly, they don't have remorse for their actions), and most definitely never feel badly about yourself (I am still working on this one and hope everyone on this site gets there eventually too).


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

CantLoseHope, you have been on an emotional roller coaster. He sounds like a classic case. Disengage slowly and carefully and do what you can to stay safe. Sending positive thoughts ..... thank you so much for your comments.


Need Help 4 years ago

Silva, My daughter is in a relationship with what I believe is a sociopath. I just found out about this disorder yesterday and when I looked it up, it fit him perfectly. they have been in and out of a relationship over the years. they have a 5 year old son and now a 8 month old daughter. She is in the process of moving back in with him again and I am fearful for her and for her children's safety, mentally, physically and spiritually. He has done things to terrify his son, (putting on a mask and pretending to be a monster) squeezing him to the point of pain, My daughter had a miscarriage about a month after they got married, he tells her that some of his problems are because he thinks when she had the d&c after the miscarriage, that he thinks the baby was really alive and she killed their baby. He is verbally cruel but she stays so connected to him, she will not let him go. He tells her what she wants to hear, he can paint the picture for her but can not hold up to the promises. He told me when they were dating that he could eat a human brain just to see what it tasted like.....he is a sick person....the list of things he has done go on and on....I don't even know all there is. I just found out he let his son watch porn with him and told my daughter that it would not effect him because he is young....he has told her in the past that she is his savior and that he can not be good without her in his life. She does not talk to us when she is talking to him, she shuts us out. They lived with us for about 1.5 years and I thought that if he just saw a difference that maybe he would change. but then I found out that when he left at night (to go play guitar with some of his friends) he was really having affairs and doing drugs. He has always lied so easily with a straight face even in things that you would wonder why he lied. He is destructive with things, both his and others. He can get a new vehicle and it will look like trash before long. He acts like he is Gods gift to women. He came to the hospital when my daughter was having her last baby and was sitting on the floor texting, Im assuming, other girls. One time he called her 3 months after she was separated from him and he told her that he had been stringing her along that he had been waiting 3 months for her to give him a divorce so he could get remarried... I think all this did was to jump start the relationship in some sick way, because then he started texting her non stop until she broke down and called him. I told her counselor some of these things and she said it sounds like he may jave some sociopathic tendencies, so I looked it up and the discriptions fit him. I knew he was a sick person, and have told other family that he does not know how to love, that it is all about jonathan and the only one he loves is himself. He was in the army and when he got out, has not worked since, he was on unemployment as long as he could and then he started acting like he was posessed by the devil, different voices and all...he now is on disability and has all day long to figure out what he can do to get my daughter back. He uses other peoples money and credit to get what he wants. He charged up 11,000 worth of debt on her credit cards, (with a promise that he would pay it all back), that I foolishly payed off when my daughter came to live with us so that her credit would not be ruined.....I need help and don't know where to turn for the help for her. She has some kind of sick connection to him, she is the type of girl that these type of people pick up on, she is loving and caring and nurturing, she wants a good christian home, and he will promise her all this. He will talk of religious things, go to church with her, act the part...to get what he wants. She puts him before her babies, though she does not see this. When he does some of the thinge he does to her son she sits there and does not come to the childs rescue. I want to take the kids from her until she does come around. I want to take her and her kids some place where he cannot reach them and get her the help she needs.... is there any help out there?


DupedinNJ 4 years ago

Just discovered this page and find it very helpful for women like myself, who have fallen prey to this type of man. I just want to say, that even smart, successful and powerful women can be duped. I am a high-profile woman and was with a sociopath for over 6 years. The classic signs at the beginning that should have been red flags: he lavished me with constant attention and compliments, wanted intimacy ono all levels too soon, pressured me to move in with him after a month and got angry and distant when I didn't comply, boasted about his new 'trophy' girlfriend to all, and preyed on my sympathy for his 'difficult' childhood, the fact that he can't find work, his 'mean' ex wife. I helped this man get on his feet professionally,and the more and more he accomplished, the more arrogant, mean-spirited and verbally abusive he became. He began flirting incessantly with other women, meeting them and hiding his whereabouts, admittedly 'working' on this woman and that woman to get ahead, but still claimed he 'loved' me. It finally escalated with my confronting him about his predatory nature, his beating my face up black and blue,and my reporting it to the police. He now has a record and plays the victim role, saying I attacked him first and ruined his life by having him arrested. Since then, he has retaliated in countless ways, by one minute pretending he was sorry and eager to go back to therapy to repair our relationship, the next by going online and schlepping some woman to his home to 'piss me off'. I forgave him,after he sought me out drunk and asked me to 'help him', realizing only a disturbed mind could think this way. Things were actually beginning to get better, we were enjoying each other's company for the most part when all of a sudden, from one day to the next, he told me he had just met someone online he is very interested in. Fact is, he met her weeks before he told me and I found out who it is. She is a wealthy, successful, high-profile woman who is going to eventually die of breast cancer and who runs a very successful organization which help other women through the cancer battle. They dated over weeks when all of a sudden, he texted me a week ago and was standing outside in front of my house begging to see me. We ended up talking, he told me he missed me and still loved me, and that things were not that great with the new love interest (she won't sleep with him) and we ended up in bed. My big mistake of course was letting him suck me in. The next day, he denied meaning what he said to me and told me he wants to marry this woman, that 'she means everything to me'. I know he is after her fame and money and is looking for her to rescue him from his pathetic life. I did write her an email, warning her and at this point, I don't care if she believes me or not and what she thinks of me. I feel these men get away with too much and we women have to have the courage to stick together and help each other.


Toria 4 years ago

In reading this page I see that this is NOT my imagination. In 2009 after a 17 year marriage my now ex-husband began dating a 28 year female. She was still married (as was he), and was ending her 2nd marriage and leaving with 3 children.

She was a "good ole girl" into John Deere & Browning and all the trappings of "Southern Alabama Lifestyle".

I soon left with my 2 children and moved to another state when I began to get "drive by" greetings from she and her sister on almost a daily basis outside my home. Everywhere I went....She was there by some "fluke".

I tried ignoring her and this seemed to anger her. I began getting followed home from the store by another family member of hers. Soon all of my family began getting invitations to "friend" her on Facebook.

Luckily; they moved yet again to GA and afforded us a little peace and quiet. Yet that was when the emails and calls began. The story goes on and on yet this is the key point.

In the 4 years that they have been together. She drives the same car make and model as I purchased. She now has mirrored her life to reflect me, my tastes and even my appearance. She has now set up travel plans to go with my ex and my daughter to meet MY family in Colorado (a 'relationship' she has built via FB).


Jackie 4 years ago

Thank you for this article reminding me that a sociopath will never change. I have an adult daughter with a sociopath. He has physically and emotionally abandoned her, but she still holds hope of him being emotionally available to her some day. I have not contacted him for 2 years and planned to keep it that way. My daughter recently has been wondering how he is doing. How do I warn her about the emotional harm he will inflict if she tries to contact him? She has already been hurt so much.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Jackie, this really pulls at my heartstrings. There is no easy way, yet you know she must be warned. If she fails to heed your warning, she will be hurt even more. I am so sorry.


Luna 4 years ago

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm 17 years old and I believe that I've come across my first sociopath. I'm also afraid to say that I feel like I'm in love with him and it's difficult to stay away from him because he keeps getting involved in my life. We met about two years ago and it wasn't until last year that I found out he had planned out exactly how he'd meet me. He approached me one day and I've got to admit that he came on a bit too strong but as the time passed, I found out how charming he can appear to be and how he (still) makes me swoon with his use of words. It's extremely hard to forget about him or get away from him because I've changed my phone number several times, and yet he's still found ways to get my number. He asked a mutual friend of ours where I live so now he comes whenever he pleases. I've blocked him on social networks but it's the same thing. Yet whenever I ask him where he lives, he says I can never go to his house. I started feeling attracted to him the first year we knew each other and I felt that he was something different, but I never really was able to put my finger on it until now. He made me feel special and that I truly interested him and that we had many things in common. We went out a couple of times and he met my father and I was even surprised that they got along so well. My father never liked any of my other boyfriends. I thought I had hit the jackpot. He's very clever and smart as well. He shows that he has no difficulty in school and is making good money with his job. He also claims to have made some thousands selling vintage baseball cards. I don't believe it but I pretend to because I feel the need to test him to see how far he'd go with his lies. We never became "official" but he always expresses his supposed "love" for me and sings me songs about love or writes me really nice things. I found out he was seeing another girl and lying to me about it some time ago so I cut my communication with him. No explanations, no show of hurt feelings. It was going so well. I had even met someone else. This went on for 3 months, perhaps. Until this year. He texted me telling me that he didn't like the guy I was seeing at the moment because "he's too low" for me. I disregarded it. Then a few nights ago, he said he didn't want to lose me and that I'm very valuable to him as a friend and person. That he couldn't live without me and more things of that sort. I was in disbelief and had this gut feeling to not believe him 100%. I still decided to talk to him about that, though and fell for yet another of his traps. (Stupid me) I asked him how his girlfriend was and he tells me he has none. I immediately thought they had broken up since I'd last seen him so I became hopeful to be friends and maybe he'd changed. (At least I believed it to be true) But coincidentally, that SAME night, I went to this movie theater in a different town with my father and found him with the same girl. Maybe he thought that he wouldn't run into people he knew if he went to a different town, but I was the exact person that he bumped into. I pretended to have not seen him and took off my glasses and squinted them to seem convincing. He and the girl were holding each other right outside the women's restroom and I pretended to look for someone. As I did so, I heard her say "who is she?" and I hear him reply "No one, just this girl from school." I felt so offended and hurt and betrayed. My father spotted him as well and knew exactly what was going on so I cried during our movie and my father told me the guy was trash. I honestly didn't care so much about him having another girl but the fact that he was lying to me again and then saying I was "no one" was such a big hit for me. I got home around midnight that night and he even had the guts to tell me "You didn't say hi." I lied to him about not noticing him and pretty much set up our dialogue so that he'd confess what happened, but he hid it. He hid it like such a coward, feeling comfort in the lie that I had told him about not seeing him. He pretty much sold himself out and I can't believe it that he's still acting like nothing happened. So I decided to confront him today. I got him to admit he was lying but not in the way I'd hoped. I wanted to be strong but he pretty much said it in a way like "Yeah, I lied to you, big deal, get over it, let's talk about something else." So I decided to play his cards and exaggerated the truth to see if he'd feel sorry for me. It worked, but I'm not proud of it. He did show that he cared about my safety and walked me home. And he hugged me after leaving me at my door, but I felt and heard him smell my hair as he did so...sort of in a romantic novel way... and he said "It was nice seeing you again. Hope to see you soon." I don't know what it is that he wants from me, though. It's sort of what scares me. It's not money because he's actually given me money rather than asking for it. It's not sex because he was aways very respectful of my space. We've held hands maybe once and that's about it besides the occassional hug. The only odd thing that he has used me for is...getting him material things. He'll give me the money to buy him things from other countries because I travel a lot. Could that be it? I mean...I don't think my social circle is much bigger than his. I know 4 languages and understand a 5th. That? I'm learning programming. That? After today I'm so confused as to what will happen next, what it is that he wants from me, and why hasn't he just left me alone.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

It sounds difficult to figure out exactly what he wants from you, but the facts that I hear from your message is that you are young and still have the best years of your life ahead of you, and you have an instinct or sixth sense or gut feeling that things are just not right with this guy, so my opinion (not a professional, just an interested and caring personal opinion) is that you should avoid this person. You have established that he lies to you and that is a huge red flag. Perhaps it's not important to try and figure out what his motives are -- the important thing here is that your instincts are telling you that he does have ulterior motives. Good luck. Be careful and stay safe.


rebecca 4 years ago

I need help, i know now that the relationship that im in with this man that i also have a child with is a sociopath and it sucks cause i dont know how to not love him or want to love him and love and raise our beautiful daughter together or get over this false hope that i have in my head thinking that he will change... please help


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am sorry that you have this issue to deal with. A true sociopath cannot change; they can only mask their true nature, and then only when it is to their benefit. I can only suggest that every decision you make puts your child's welfare first, and that you are careful in your dealings with the father.


sunray 4 years ago

For those wondering how to get over the sociopath in their lives, the answer is 'no contact'. Change your number, don't initiate any contact, change your email, even change physical address if possible. Its the only way to clear the fog & begin healing oneself back to a grounded reality again. Then your focus needs to be brought back to yourself, where it belongs & not so much on the sociopath. Once you start looking at your own inner landscape; your insecurities & voids the sociopath was able to exploit, you will grow into a much stronger & self aware person. I speak from painful experience & my profound encounter with a sociopath ex, was an initiation into much needed personaal growth & change! I wish you all well. You will heal & ptsd symptoms do subside with time & no contact.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

sunray, wise words. No contact is the only way to get over a sociopath. For those unfortunate ones who share a child with a sociopath, I realize this course of action is extremely difficult. Sometimes it is impossible to legally keep a child away from the other parent. I guess each case is unique, but keeping away from the sociopath is the best solution.


Lynn 4 years ago

I am so glad that I found this page and all I can say is, wow! This answered ALL of my questions about him and how I have been feeling. I can't believe this happened. I new something wasn't right but he kept making me feel like I was worthless, and over reacting ALL the time. We had a 3 year relationship, we broke up for a few months in between but got back together. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I loved him sooo much. I still do, and that kind of makes me sick. He has been so mean to me, he has cheated so much, even had one girl pregnant, lied, he steals from me and everyone else. He has even robbed past places that he worked at and would have the guts to go back and ask for his job back. He seemed so smart and so together "somewhat" enough to fool me anyway. Many times I thought to myself "what am I doing" this person has nothing to offer but good looks. He is a looser. Yet I would stay, do everything for him, give everything I could. I thought whatever it takes to make this work. I really couldn't put this all together until I started reading up on sociopaths. And to make it even better this guy is a drug addict. He has family, men and women paying ALL of his bills. Gets whatever he wants and more. And no one seems to know that he is laughing behind there backs. We are not together now it has been a few months. He broke it off with me suddenly, and we were living together. He would have loved for me to stay living with him so he could start this whole scenario all over again. Wanting the friendship, messing with my mind bleeding me dry and hurting me all the way through. Always in a vague way tho, never direct. I was never sure when he would explain something to me, lots of details seemed to be left out. just dropped our relationship like it was nothing. He had me thinking we were going to be together for the long haul. And I had every intention of sticking it through. I was to numb to even cry for the first 24 hours after our breakup, things didn't seem real. I couldn't even discuss things with him at all anymore because it was like I had no brain to think. I walked on eggshells constantly, however still didn't want the relationship to end. Now I am seriously left with nothing. My business is in the hole, I don't even have a vehicle at the moment. I feel like such a looser. And he has already moved on to another women, he is driving a car someone bought for him, clothes his family buys him, all bills paid, everything stolen. And he keeps it from everyone. I have never seen anything like this. I feel so devastated, sick actually. I did get a restraining order on this person and it turned out he had 5 others! I never new that. Someone who has been friends with him for 30 years had no idea he had that many. She new about 1. I wish that I have never met him. I am having so much difficulty getting over this because it is weird, I know he is horrible, yet I still miss him. I want to have sex with him, yet he was such a very selfish lover, and would deprive me of sex all the time. I would lay in bed next to him in agony, no affection, and if I tried touching him most of the time he would yell at me so I was afraid to initiate sex. I am glad that I am away from him and I have no intention of ever talking to him. I have decided to move away and get new friends seriously, its not worth it. When will this hurt, sick, devastating feeling ever go away! Thank you for allowing me to write my story, hope it can help save someone else's heart


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you, Lynn, for telling your story.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Well, I'm back, and therefore obviously still mixed up with this man.

This married man with whom I've been in love for the past year!

It has been hell, there has been a lot of studying, googling, etc, but I think I finally came up with Bordferline Personality disorder (at least)

He is a textbook case, if anyone can enlighten me more, please do so, I'm in agony over him, and anything may help!

Hypersexual, constantly flirting (openly)a constant erection, flustered, excited, etc.

Excpet when trying to 'make love', then, loses the erection (needs help with medication)

Full on, the same words over and over, total adoration, sometimes sickly. Easily said in words, but when said face to face, somehow feels disnegaged, dissassociated and distant.

When making love, it feels and appears robotic. (He has to have medication)

Constant lies, contradictions, lies through omission.

When confronted, total deflection, staright to another topic (pity story, drama, talking about his ailments)even to the point of producing tears, and when he thinks he has been believed, a big triumphant smile!! almost like a child who got away with being naughty.

No contact for a few days, then comes back with a big drama for an excuse for his absence, then later texts again, having totally forgotten about the previous drama, as if he hasnt even been away, and nothing has happened!!

Evasive, always wanting to know my whereabouts,if I dont answer directly, he reverts to asking in a different way to extract information.

Infantilising, after having sex, poking me, tickling me, like an annoying little child!

False promises, says he wants to see me, but never asks unless he feels he may be going to lose me, then he comes back full on, meets me, then reverts back to the same previous pattern.

Speaks childishly in his texts, words like, me going out later,,,, I shopping today.

constant patronising stroking of my legs, arms, foreheaad, etc which feels like he demands reassurance.

passes me in his car without looking at me, when he has not long since text me saying I'm on his mind constantly!!

sending me texts which are meant for another woman with the same level of intimacy, or giving me reason to believe they were meant for someone else (he knows this is the one thing which would finish things for me) as though he is actually instigating me to break it off, but then when he gets a feeling I might do, he comes back more full on then before!

DOes not get even one little joke from me, takes everything as a sleight against him and then does not contact me for a few days.

It is like being on a roller coaster that I can't get off.

Flaunts the gift I gave him at the beginning of our relationship, takes it to work every day, and then home again, like it's a trophy ( a practical usuable gift)

Told me before Christmas he had a special gift to buy for a very special lady, listing all my traits,everything about me personally, and then just before Xams, came up with a massive drama so that we couldn't meet, hence, he didn't have to see me and be embarsased that the gift was not forthcoming.

Keeps me at arms length, but yet texts telling me how much he loves me, misses me, can't stop thinking of me.

Every piece of contact has to be initiated by him, I cant contact him at all!!

This has left me sat waiting in the wings.

Has played games with me for months, deliberately giving me the impressioon that there are other women, he has loads of Just numbers in his phone, including mine!

The list goes on, I passed him on the road and only saw him after he had passed me, he has not contacted me, has taken that I did it on purpose obviously.

Now I'm sat waiting constantly for any contact, intending to tell him it's over, but when he does, it's so manipulating that I feel sorry for him and can't bring myself to do it.

Why the hell can't I just walk away, because he keeps saying to me, everyone I ever loved, has let me down, His controlling words have got me so that I can't bear the thought of hurting him.

He says he wouldm ever do anything to hurt me, does he realise this is hurtful, or doe she not realise he is even doing any of these things?

I think I'm hanging on to the thought that he doesn't realise.

I havae never loved anyone the way I do him, and yet no-one has ever hurt me as much either!


absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss,

I have a man just like yours. I am unable to end things no matter how hard I try. I have been hurting for almost a year now.

He tells me I am the only one and how much he cares about me. But, I know there are more. He is sloppy. He emails me things that make no sense because it was obviously meant for someone else. He treats me special and great and then the next day he is totally different. It is like when I am hooked he backs away and when I am ready to leave he reels me back.

He has issues sexually too. Likes quick interactions, likes dominance, doesnt want traditional sex in traditional places. I think because he finishes fast and cant perform. He talks all about his experience but I have yet to see any evidence of it.

I backed away because I confronted him about his lies. Big mistake. I couldn't actually prove anything but I knew. I had info. but nothing to prove it. My gut was telling me that he was with others. He was lying. I had some knowledge of the lies but nothing concrete. So, he turned it all on me. Said he doubted me, couldnt trust me, couldnt be with me because he didnt know if I would keep it all quiet.

Well, he pushed me away and made me so sad. But never fully. Still flirting, still emailing, still calling, and still making moves to be with me. And then started pleasing me sexually again. He wasnt letting me please him at first. I found it odd. But then of course let me. and then he pushed me away again. It is like this all of the time. Nice, fun, sweet, sexual, and then mean, cold, and pushing me out.

He makes a deal with me to tell me if he is with anyone else. And yet tells me in the same breath that he would never tell me if he was with someone else. He lies all of the time by omission. I even called him on that too and got laughed at.

I also got grandiose promises of a Christmas gift that never came. He is always telling me that I mean the most, am a priority, no one else gets as much attention, he cares, etc. But then his actions dont back it up.

I also get the blank stare when he talks to me. He is sooo robotic during sex. It is all mechanic. No closeness, no emotion, no pleasure.It is strange. I ask myself, why am I even doing this. Why do I care? Why do I get so upset? His words twist and turn to make me believe I am wrong, I am mistaken. He makes me feel so good in a weird way. I can feel so happy but I can also feel awful. Because even when he makes me feel good, he really never does. I usually feel terrible after I see him. I wait so long for it and when it comes it is a disappointment. I can never initiate a thing. He does. Only him.

He now asks me my schedule all of the time. I say why are you asking and he gets all defensive. I think it is to keep track of where I am so he can be with someone else.

He knows I love him even though it wasnt about that. It was purely physical but the promises and lies hurt so much. I want to leave but I have so much at stake that it isnt so easy. Today he flipped out at me when I suggested that I work with someone else. It was really scary and hurtful. We were with each other just yesterday and today he was so mean. Up and down.

We have to walk away. It is the only way. I know it is hard- I havent been able to yet. I feel so weak. Good luck ataloss, you are not alone.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Crikey, we could both be seeing the same man!!

This one chased me hard for nearly two years before we started to communicate outside of work, butI was already hooked, I suppose I was as bad as him really, I was obsessed with him, even now as I write, I have his face in front of me, and my insides are aching for him.

I have gone from obsessive texts from him, to just contact every few days, and when he comes back, it is all full on.

I recently replied with a barrage of upset, questioned his sincereity, only to have him start texting full on again, asking to and arranging to see me, I went eventually, asked him why he keeps going backwards and forwards on me, he literallly shut down in front of my eyes, and then came out with a long pity story to deflect from answering me. He even cried, and I like an idiot, reassured him I'll always be there for him.

He immediately stopped the tears and gave the triumphant smile and forgot all about it ,AGAIN!

I walked away feeling even more confused, no texts for a few more days, and then after that nothing!!

I have just found him out in another lie, I can't confront him about it, he will only lie with another excuse, and yet I can see the proof in front of me!

I'm torn between waitng to hear from him and also dreading it beacause I know I will only have it for then and no more again until he is ready.

I am a really strong person, outgoing, bubbly, loads of frineds, a good social circle, but for this man, I am a doormat!! This has reduced me to a total wreck!!

In a way I wish I han't googled all of this stuff, it's made me try to understand him and I now make excuses for him, I spend all of my time thinking 'is he with someone else?'

I recently asked why he needs to know where I am every day when he won't tell me where he is until he is there, and that has stopped now too.

His answer,,,,,,,,so that I know when I can text you! He has spent fourteen months texting me throughout the day ANY time he wants and now this rubbish!

He has made promises to spend more than a couple of hours with me, and then said, we will when YOU aren't busy,,,,my fault, yet I have never given him an excusse not to see him, just been confused as to why he keeps saying I can't wait to see you, every day, over and over, but he doesn't ask.

It's so hard to explain how you feel inside, my closest frinds tell me to just ignore it all, walk away, but he has been deep down inside me for a long time, I can't laugh without him, and yet he suppresses my real self as well.

I am in constant doubt over anything he says to me, and the fact that he can't relate to any real feelings, ONLY ACT THEM OUT, has made me feel responsible for him. I can't bring myself to hurt him or reject him!!

I know he has been doing the same wiht another woman, he swears he hasn't, she means nothing to him, never has and never will, but I know there is nothing wrong with my eyes or ears, I saw it, heard it and confronted him.

He went into overdrive, like ascared rabbit in the headlights, total denial, and so manipulating that I came away actually believing it was me who was overreacting!!!

I decide every day that the next time he texts, I will tell him that's it, leave me alone, but he leaves it long enough to come back with a pity story and have me feeling sorry for him all over again.

I know I have to get tough, I feel like my heart has been torn to shreds, and yet, I can't let go of those inital feelings, which actually aren't really there any more, because I know he has moved on, but can't let me go. I made him feel good and he needs the contact every now and then to know I am there for him.

I am even thinking of him in my sleep and waking up sobbing real tears, it's got me that bad, I think I'm going to have some kind of therapy for this soon before I break down over it.

He has even said to me, I need to know canstantly that it is me who you want and love to be with!!! I think that says it all.

Good luck to you too, and please keep answering me, it helps, I need someone who understands how I feel.

Maybe we can help each other!!


absolutely 4 years ago

Doesn't it drive you crazy when you find something out but are afraid to say anything to him because you know it will be explained away and make you look stupid? It is making me nuts. Because I know it is true but I can't provide him with concrete evidence.

I know that he has this other woman. They carry on in front of me but he tells me they are just friends and that they joke. He texts her every morning and night and never looks at the texts while I am in the room. If they are just friends, why the secrecy?

I asked him why he questioned my schedule and he told me it was because he wanted to know if I would be too tired when I saw him!

Whenever I confront him and we fight, he gets cold but then when he comes back it is like it never happened. It is so strange.

He has made promises to me to go to lunch, for a drink, spend time but he always has an excuse. He is too busy, has work to finish, can't get away. Always get we will find a way if it is meant to be.

I have cried many a night and day over this. We are smart and strong women. Why do we even care? But you know what I am feeling. The sex isn't great, the lies and manipulation are terrible. We are always kept waiting for something that won't come. And yet, we can't walk away. He is on my mind all day and night. I want him all of the time. I don't know why.

I understand. I am here. I hope we can help each other because I feel so alone right now.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I wish I could come up with the right words to help all of you get past this. Common sense and logic tell you that these relationships are not going to improve. These people will keep lying to you and stringing you along. Talking to them, confronting them, is not only pointless, but sometimes dangerous. You cannot change a sociopath, you cannot reason with a sociopath, and you are wasting your time, appealing to them for sympathy and understanding. They are simply unable to feel for others. I wish you all the best and I hope you eventually find the strength and self esteem to break away from these damaging people. Most people believe that we only live once. You are wasting what may be your only life. You will still have a chance for peace, happiness, contentment, fulfillment, if you can find the way to turn away from these harmful, hurtful people. Sending positive thoughts your way.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hello Absolutely.

It certainly feels to me like we are both dealing with the same person, or at least one with the same disorder.

What makes it worse for me is that I actually study personality traits, I pride myself on seeing these things in people, and yet I still allowed myself to fall for him like this!

All of this started with him being very close to me in proximity, which in itself is not normal for just work colleagues, and then staring and casual brushes of the arm, back, etc.

I have never had this happen to me before, Ive only ever been with one man before him, I think that's another reason for me being a good target.

For God's sake, I even saw him doing these things with one or two other women, and still let it happen to me!

He built up a very striking connection between us, including my likes, dislikes, beliefs, everything, and pushed them at me, everything I did he was very interested in.

After reading up on it, I now know it was all a game to lure me, because now he slips up and some of those likes of his have miraculously disappeared!!

He has never put me down to be fair, never been rude, or crtisised me, never to my face, but I often turned quickly to see him frown when others were there, as if to say 'what the hell is she on about?'

I suppose I fell for him because I saw something different in him, I felt something was not right in him,and me being the understanding, caring, helping person I am, I was a perfect target for him! He knows I won't be able to desert him and uses it for his own needs.

Please google,,,,,,,,,, Borderline Males I've known, and almost loved, by Shari Shreiber.

I found this, and everything fell into place for me, every thing in this article is like HIS personal profile!!

Of course it helps you to understand them, but then it also makes you feel that you know them deeper, and then have a valid excuse for them too.

It makes women like us want to be their saviour, which after reading this, you will realise, that is not a good idea, it even explains the sexual side of things in detail.

In all of this, I have never considered his wife, but what hell must she be going through!!

When I think back now to all the crazy things I've had done to me, it all falls into place, he has done all of them to me on purpose.

This is a mental disorder which stems back to childhood, and even that has become plain to me, everything he has told me about his childhood, the times he got uncomfortable when i asked him things about his parents, all of it.

I hope this helps, and please let me know.

Take care xx


passion1 4 years ago

Ataloss/Absolutely We are addicted to these harmful relationships and the only way to recovery is total abstinance.No contact is the only way....otherwise they will continue to manipulate us to their pleasure. I saw my former sociopath at the post office on Tuesday. She greeted me with a very seductive HEEEYYYYY. Believe me it took everything I could do to say goodmorning and walk on.I want her but I realise that she is poison.Some years ago I kicked alcohol addiction by telling myself to LOOK BEYOND THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS.Beyond the bottom of the glass is where the pain and heartache begins. We must look beyond that charming smile and empty promises if we expect to heal. Be strong ladies


Absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss,

It most certainly seems like we are with the same guy but more likely that they just have the same disorder. They are textbook and not surprisingly have acted the same ways.

The article you cited is great. Really spot on. "This is his distancing tactic, which makes you feel less-than, or not good enough--and that's his intent. Why does he treat you so cruelly? So he can make you feel jealous/insecure, and exercise more control over you and the relationship!" "Being in love with a narcissistic male means you'll never feel busty enough, thin enough, bright enough, tall enough, etc."

I can't tell you how right on this is. I can never win. Won't let me go completely.

Everything in that article is so true. Wow.

My guy got angry at me yesterday over something so trivial and threw so much at me. I was so hurt and told him. And he blew me off so easily. Like I didnt matter. I saw him today and he started off normal ad then reverted to that angry and loud and mean person. I don't know where "he" went. It was like a different person emerged. This all stemmed from jealousy. I said I might work with someone else and he flipped. After the continuous barrage of mean comments, I started to cry. It was like a light when on. All of the sudden, he was nice, backed off. We parted ways and I got a call ad he was telling me it will all be ok and then I got a bunch of emails. It was like he broke me and was really happy again. So weird.

He consumes my thoughts, my days, my life. I don't trust him for a second and yet I am still here waiting for him.

I read that article and it all made sense but it also does make me feel sad for him. It is sad that he had a tough childhood(he did). It makes you want to figure out a way to make him happy and want me. It makes you think you ca fill that void, fix him. I know I cant.

He didnt email me last night even though he does every night. He probably wanted to hurt me and make me crazy thinking he was with someone else. He did email me this morning like nothing happened. He made jokes, acted like all was ok and then when I seemed ok with it- he backed off again.

Ataloss, I am sorry you are going through what I am going through. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. It hurts, it is so destructive, and it makes me cry all of the time. I wish I had answers but I don't. I know leaving is the answer but it isn't that easy. You and I both know how hard it is to leave what we thought was a love that gave us happiness. That kernel of happiness, that little sliver that keeps us in the game. It feels so good. But in the end is it worth it. Like a high, you know in the end it can destroy you(kill you) but the high is so good and you are addicted that you can't stop. That is what it is like loving one of these men. Hold strong. xx


Helpme.... 4 years ago

My daughter is living with a sociopath. He is a classic textbook sociopath. He has totally alienated her from her entire family that she was very close to. She believes all his lies. He cheats on her and I know he degrades her and she thinks he is the love of her life. She is totally brainwashed by him. I have never witnessed anything in my life like it! The only fortunate thing is he will be returning to jail for DUI...again. Is this the time to try to reach out to her again or do we keep trying now???


Absolutely 4 years ago

So, I was thinking about the events that happened last week and I wanted to share a few of them.

After my spath and I had that argument, I asked him if he hated me. I was half joking but still curious what his response would be. He responded, " hate is a strong feeling, not capable of". I couldn't believe he verbalized this to me.

The next day, he acted like we never had an argument. all was good again. He joked, flirted, treated me kindly. It is just like a roller coaster. Up and down all of the time.

We spent some time together on Saturday and it was pleasant. I think he was concerned because he did something earlier that day that could have caused me to confront him about- but I chose not to. I think he was relieved that I didnt but tried to overcompensate by being overly nice. He emailed me several times and then I didn't hear from him until this morning. He knew we wouldn't see each other today, so he was nice but somewhat distant. There is usually a chance for us to see each other but lately the other woman has been conveniently setting up work with him during that time. Even though, at the last minute has canceled that meeting before. I even called him on it last week. I ran into him in the parking lot and said I thought you were working with her and his lip quivered and he said uh a lot. He made up an excuse that she was tired and went home. He was definitely lying. So, either they went somewhere instead or she said no. And I dont know if he was just feeling guilty or trying to make up for it, he offered to spend time with me right then. And we did.

Would a man be so despicable and be physically with one woman and then be with another woman afterwards? Would he even do it so that he could physically last longer with the second? I mean, how awful is that? But I couldnt help but think it.

I know in my heart that something is happening. Lies are frequent. The evidence is right in front of me. And yet I find ways to explain it all away. He makes me believe him.

I am paranoid all of the time. There are days when I think it shouldnt matter. WHy do I care about her? But it makes me feel so badly. Because he tells me to my face he is not with her, never has been with her, they never shared what we share. They are friends and that is all. He would tell me if he is ever with anyone else and especially if he is with anyone from work. But the things I know about her and the things she actually told me, can not be dismissed. How can someone look in your eyes, shake your hand and out and out lie?

He does make me happy at times. I look forward to seeing him. But when he changes and is cold, mean, and seemingly with her- I want nothing to do with him. It is like he has multiple personalities. Maybe he does.

I feel like when he is cold to me and avoiding me, it is because he is giving his time to her. That is why I hurt. I keep waiting for him to show that he loves me. He doesn't. But ever so often, he says or does something that keeps me in the game. On Friday, he said he was hard on me because he cares. Said it may not seem like it, be he really cares. That is enough for me to want him and hold on to hope that there is something.

I can't cry anymore. I don't want to. I just want him to be that charismatic, sweet, funny man all of the time. I want to look in his eyes and believe what he is saying. All I see in his eyes is cold and dark and lies. Quivering lips, no connection, no heart.

When will I have the strength to see clearly?


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I hope it helps all of you to go back and read what others have shared here. You could all be talking about the same person! This shows that most sociopaths follow the same patterns. They are unable to love. They are only able to mimic. You must find a way to sever contact if at all possible. If you share a child and therefore you are unable to sever all contact, then you must learn to proceed with caution and learn to disbelieve every word they say. You "wish" they would be kind and loving all the time, and you "hope" that they will, but in your heart you know they are unable to maintain any kind of normal healthy happy relationship. Once you see the pattern clearly, and you recognize that this is all that will ever be, perhaps that will help you begin to draw away. Otherwise you will just fritter away your life, your health, your money, your beauty ... how do you see yourself in 20 years? 30 years? Still at the mercy of the game player? I hope you find the strength to take care of yourselves, your children, your finances, your career, and cut the ties that bind you to these damaging people. Above all, be careful!


Ataloss 4 years ago

Sylvia, you are so right, I know it and I'm sure al of the people on this hub knows it too. It is just so hard after having all that verbal love talk thrown at you for so long to let go of the 'hope'

I constantly doubt myself, I have dismissed my usually very strong gut instinct so many times simply because I was convinced he would never do anythiing to me like this.

I believed him, I trusted him completely.

I saw him touching other women, I heard his voice change when talking to the other woman, I had been used to all that from him for nearly two years, I knew his ways, and I knew how he captured me, so I also knew he was doing it to her too.

I dismissed all the times he text me to make sure I was at work out of the way, all the times he mentioned my days off (which were her days off, not mine) all the times he made arrangements to take me out or meet me, and then there would be an excuse, even on one day actually five minutes before!! I was just arriving when he text with an excuse, I walked around the corner to see him stood wiht yet another woman, she smiled, I didnt, I was angry at the time, but she hung around until, I think, she got confused as to who I was! Very probably another one he texts!!

The other problem is that i, like Absolutely, don't have any actual proof.

He also tells me I am the most important thing in his life, the only woman who knows him well and understands him.

I have come to the point now where I am no longer longing for him to contact me, wehn he does, I don't know how to answer him, I can't go on any longer reassuring him.

He text me on Friday night, I was out with my friends having a good time, and he HAD to put himself in my head,He told me he loves me, misses me, wants me, needs me with all his heart! The next morning he text with just general words, no mention of love at all,just told me what he was making for tea, and he knew he would not be able to contact me again until today!!

I knew he would be in contact with her on Friday whilst I was out, I also knew he would probably see her on Saturday when she finished work.

I have stopped worrying about HER now, I am starting to think about myself, the things he has done to me in the past, all the let downs, lies, contradictions, denials about other women, and I am really starting to feel stupid that I allowed it all to happen.

I have wnated the last word for so long, but yet not been able to let him go because I was addicted to him.

Then I wnet through the wanting real proof, just so that I had a good enough reason to end things, I suppose I needed to prove to myself that I haven't been wrong.

I know I'm a strong woman, I can't belive I have let this jerk into my life!!!!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Ataloss, thanks for your message. I am researching "aversion therapy" and will be back later. So far, I have only found references to therapy for the sociopath, but I am trying to find therapy for the victims. Be back later.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I am almost positive he was with her today but again I have no proof. When he called, and it was later than usual, I was distant. His reaction was guilty. He gets defensive and cold. He feels trapped. I never said a thing but did not act like the happy, obedient, lovesick girl that he expects. He was definitely on edge. He feels me out and waits to see what I am going to say so he knows how to react.

I worry about her too much. It really isnt her fault. But he makes me feel like it is. She probably doesn't think he is with me either. He has probably convinced her it is over between us and that she is the one he wants.

I have wanted to get the proof to say once and for all it is done. I feel like until I have the definitive proof- I can't walk away. If I saw them together, or she came to me and said she is with him- I would be satisfied. Because then he couldnt make me feel badly anymore for not trusting him. I would know that everything I felt was real and he was wrong.

He is so convincing. He has made me feel so badly about not trusting him that he has made me swear that I won't ask or talk about her anymore. Also, to let him know if I ever stray. I thought about that. Did he make the same deal with other women? If so, they will never talk and he can keep on his game because he has convinced everyone to stay quiet.

I get the, "you know me so well" Every time I am out with my friends, he emails me, calls me- he is jealous and wants me to have him in my thoughts. He wants pictures, he asks me about what happened.

Whenever she is out of town, he is super available too. That is always very striking to me. She will be away again this coming weekend- I already got promises of time . I am sure I will get it too.

I am so sad that I let someone like this control me. I had two very important decisions to make in my life and I even let him control those decisions. In his own way, he manipulated my thoughts and feelings. I also feel so sad that I let him make me believe she was not honest and I have treated her so poorly. It is not right.

I was also so worried about my health. Because everything he says is a lie- I couldn't trust that he was clean. I had a full blood screening. He tried to say if it came back with anything- it was me not him. Thank god it came back clean. I was terrified.

I am feeling so alone and so hurt. I see him tomorrow and it is Valentines day. I wonder what the day will bring. I just want the truth to come out. That is all I have ever wanted to be able to move forward.


Lynn 4 years ago

Ataloss and all,

I am absolutely floored of all the stories I read that sound just like me, the way I feel, and the sociopath I was with. Seriously there are so many on this site and many other sites where it looks as if I wrote it when I didn't. It has been three months for me. I have totally cut him off. Trust me he was not happy and tried to get to me. But I was able to get a restraining order on him. And believe me, when it was granted I went thru all types of emotions over that. "did I do the right thing" Now I have ruined the chances of ever getting back with him" "I miss him" I feel sick that I feel this way. This man has cheated, lied to my face, made me feel like I was fat when I am thin. I had no confidence at all, I was always feeling like he was cheating on me. I begged him to just be honest with me and he swore he was not. It has been proven that he was lying. Everything was my fault. Things seemed so ridiculous and yet he was able to turn it around on me and I felt like crap! I hid everything from everyone! I told everyone "everything is great we are sooo happy" he convinced me that it was not loyal to confide in anyone about our personal life. I had a sense of tremendous fear If I accidentally let the smallest information out. I felt like I was betraying his trust. And during the whole time. Especially towards the end. He was turning people against me. Trying to make it look like I drink and do stupid things. He would upset me in front of our friends by doing the most bizarre acts. And then he would walk away from me so I would follow him upset. I am sick to my stomach for the fact that I still have feelings for this man. He is very good looking with a fantastic body. But that my ladies is it. He has nothing to offer anyone but financial trouble, sorrow and pain. When I left the relationship, after a month, I realized how damaged I was. I new my feelings were not normal. I am getting stronger and even tho I miss him terribly, and want to contact him just to hear his voice. And wish we could be together intimately even tho in bed he only cares about himself. I am soo damn angry! And I do not want that piece of crap to have a hold on me like this. Time will heal as long as I stay away. These people literally make us sick, ill. What woke me up was when I called a suicide hotline late one night. I did it for me, and I kept it to myself. If he would have found out that I did that he would not have supported me at all. He would say I was looking for attention. So I did it on my own and got some help. Love is NOT supposed to feel like this. Talk to yourself. Say it in your head 1000 times a day that he is a screwball and you deserve better. WE deserve better then a sociopath!.


SpathWidowMom 4 years ago

I fell hard in love with a sociopath alcoholic drug addict. You don't get to choose who you fall in love with (the 1st time). He was the classic case and I was the classic victim (Co-Dependent).

Long story longer, I met him in the club I worked at. I had just quick drinking, smoking and partying to be healthy. I didn't judge him for being a partier, but I was easily blinded by his charm, good looks and of course his master manipulative skills. I saw all the red flags but was already smitten and blinded. He had no car, lived with his widowed father, no job (he was independently wealthy) living off his mother’s life insurance. She died of breast cancer.

After two months of blissful romance, he moved in with me, and the ugly side of addiction surfaced. We were encouraged by his AA Sponsor to take a break from life and join all the sober alcoholics up in Mammoth to go fishing. We were unable to locate their condo and after a few failed attempts it was the excuse he needed to get drunk. After watching him get stupid drunk by noon I took MY car keys and dropped him off with HIS sober alcoholics and was going to head home (a 6 hour drive) move his bags back into his dad's apartment and write him off. He wasn't going to be left behind, so decided to smash my windshield with his feet. I ran away in fear of my life, and returned to escape, but he had ripped the distributor wires out of my engine. He returned with a new set, thanks to some of these sober AA’ers. They saw my windshield and I think went brain dead and didn’t want to get involved so they quietly just drove off and left me alone with this monster. By then he had found his set of keys to MY car in his bags, and wanted me to get in and drive all the way home. I refused to get in and he left me with his AA friends. Apparently he stopped and bought a 12 back of beer and tried to drive home and NEVER made it home. He killed a woman in a head on collision that night. He spent 3.5 years in prison for felony manslaughter.

He was an only child, adopted and while in prison his father dropped dead of a stroke. I had the duty and expense to empty his apartment and store everything, while he sat in prison. He became a born again Christian while in prison. Of course I thought he had changed. He quit smoking, one of the hardest addictions to quit. I was naive and assumed he was not getting high in prison, of course I thought he had kicked those habits too. We got married when he got out. I know STUPID. Refer to my 2nd sentence in this post. After 6 months of sobriety (so I thought) and a few hiccups (more red flags) we tried to get pregnant. I was pregnant the 1st try. She came a month early, was tiny but healthy. Meanwhile the pregnancy was hindered with a lot of broken sobriety, narrowly escaping jail time from constantly violating his parole. I even pee’d in a cup and left it hidden in the bathroom when his PO showed up unexpectedly at the house. He had used cocaine days before and I didn’t want him going back to prison on a dirty test violation while I was pregnant an unable to work. I’m sure he just didn’t want to go back to prison for 3 more years…my pregnancy was probably just a good excuse to get me to pee for him. STUPID me.

He had been sick for months with a bad cough. I was sick of his broken record of sobriety. Once the baby was born I kicked him out for using and drinking. I had decided I had enough, and I was not going to raise a child in a dysfunctional environment. While staying in a motel he ended up with 106* fever. He begged me to let him come home so I could take care of him. I REFUSED. I told him if you are that sick there is nothing I can do for you, call 911. I was cold and mean. He ended up in ER. I just FINISHED reading "Co-Dependent No More" cover to cover and that was IT for me. I didn't care what he did, how sick or broke he was, too many broken promises, broken doors and broken dreams. I WAS DONE. Then I got the call they told him he had HIV, and he was sick with FULL Blown AIDS. I was a new mother with a 3 week old infant, not working. He was on disability. We were FLAT broke, and to say the least my world came crashing down on me. I assumed we were all dead ducks. Meanwhile, I took him back. I believed he had been given his death sentence. He was the love of my life, the father of our baby; I could not abandon him now. He was going to die and I didn’t want him to be alone. I wouldn‘t want that for my worst enemy, how could I do that for the love of my life.

He was a very sick man and I nursed him at home. I had the scary taste of reality seeing what I surely had to look forward to with my own destiny. After all, what I thought was SAFE sex for an entire year, being in a monogamous marriage, was unprotected sex, hence my pregnancy. He was not a cheater, just a USER. Apparently while in prison he shared a few dirty needles back in 1985-88. It was a LONG 3 weeks before my HIV test came back negative. Thank God, this meant that my infant was going to be okay. I had to get retested the next 6 months just in case. Waiting on results was the worst. Sadly his death sentence was not enough of a bottom to keep him sober. I eventually forced him move out. He did not want to go without a fight, these types never do. So the Pastor of our church told him to leave the home or HE'D call his Parole Officer and let him know he had been using drugs. He had a choice of leaving or spending the next 3 years in prison, which he probably didn’t have that much time left to live. He left and I NEVER let him move back in. I told him if he could have a year of sobriety we'd start marriage counseling and I'd consider living with him again. He was never able to stay sober more than 1-2 months at a time tops.

Before I met him he had been in an out of prison most of his adult life. Of course I knew NONE of this until I went digging…as we all do when we NEED to understand this crazy disease. I found letters his mother wrote to his 1st probation officer when he was in juvenile detention, with a log of his character defects starting from infancy (banging his head on the crib to fall asleep to getting kicked out of kindergarten for rough play and unsociable behavior). As a youth things came home that didn't belong to him. They were stolen or strong armed. He started drinking at an early age and his parents were classic enablers, had NO clue what they had on their hands, and all medical intervention was unsuccessful. They had NO firm diagnosis for his behavior. I see a lot of ADHD behavior but in the 60's they didn't have a name for it. I believe I recall reading the term “sociopath” somewhere in those logs.

He passed away less than 4 years after he was DX with AIDS. He did not have much of a relationship with our daughter. That was MY call since he was too unstable and I could not risk leaving her with him ever. I did try to allow park visits so she had some time with him, but I realized HE was pretty much the ONLY one finding any joy in it. She was too young to know who he was and didn’t spend any length of time to form any attachment or bond. She was well into her 9th grade before I told her the truth about how her father died, his history and our dysfunctional marriage. I had to tell her at that point so she knew the seriousness of inherited addictions and the true meaning of safe sex.

Anyway I said all that to say this. My worst NIGHTMARE was my daughter would end up with some of her father’s character defects. Red flags began in preschool, as much as I wanted to be in denial, by the time she was in kindergarten she was DX with ADHD, on Ritalin and I was her #1 Nazi Warden until she was 18 and went off to college. She was a challenge to say the least. Very difficult child, hard to discipline, yet very smart and I kept her busy. In HS she was a 4 year scholar athlete, ran cross country and graduated with a 4.57 GPA and 33 units of college before leaving HS. I was her coach 3 years and involved in the PTA, just to keep her out of trouble. Looking back, I realize that was how I coped with my own PTSD I NEVER got therapy for, and the fear


lovin-life 4 years ago

Would a sociopath admit to being one in the beginning of a relationship? I began dating a man about a month ago... He is absolutely wonderful! I have never met someone I had so much in common with... Except politics, lol we are at opposite ends of the spectrum but both enjoy a healthy debate so it seems to work. He does have a criminal history, however he has told me about it and it seems that he was one of many who were victimized by our penal system at a young age. He did say he is sociopathic, or at least has tendencies, bit he also says that it is a positive thing for him and he is happy the way he is. He doesn't seem to try to hide anything, seems very genuine... As far as I know he's not lied to me about anything. He has a good job, and is even waiting with me to have sex. This is pretty awesome since I never thought I'd find a man that didn't wanna get me in bed right away. He says I'm worth it. I have been searching the web for hours to understand the sociopathic personality and I just don't see it in him... It also doesn't seem like a true sociopath would admit it to someone he is trying to enter into a relationship with. I am wondering if he is confused somehow about the definition of such a person, or if he is just really good at pretending to be"normal". He is very caring and helpful.. always interested in what I have to say... He values and respects my opinions, my time and my intelligence. In fact, my smarts turn him on. He has in no way tried to control me.. although it hasn't been very long as I said. He enjoys going out, is not anti-social at all, has made no effort to keep me from doing anything that makes me happy... In fact, he seems to really want me to be happy, no matter what. This man seems like a dream come true and I am so excited to have met him. I am so confused though! Why would he refer to himself as such a person? He doesn't seem to display the tendencies I have read about...


Ataloss 4 years ago

Thankyou Sylvia, I have been at a very low time in my life in the past few months, comfusion, depression, frustration, I even decided to book myself in for therapy, ME, a usually very strong outgoing lady with lots of friends, hobbies, interests, a great job which I love.

In my job I have to be the life and soul of the party every day. I met this man at work, his other woman works with me, I can't tell you all how badly this has all affected me, I have to go to work and pretend every day that I am the usual happy cheerful person that they all know, when inside I am a toal wreck, it is taking its toll on my appearance, I lost weight quickly after hearing them both together, all the confrontation, heartache and devastation caused that.

He watched me getting thinner,made jokes about me not eating well, kept denying any wrongdoing,professing his deep love for me, and even said to me, "you need to look after yourself, it's showing in your face" He COULD NOT even come to realise that it was his fault!!

At least now I don't have to see him at work every day, but I do have to see HER.

Absoultely,,,,,,,,,, please believe all the things this other woman has told you.

I plucked up the courage to speak to his other woman in the New year, he had been texting when it suited him, even on New years eve, but he didn't wish me a happy New year!

I suppose I had hoped for answers from her, she didn't give me any verbally, but I could see in her eyes that the things I told her had hurt her deeply.

I didn't want to hurt her, I feel sorry for her, I had seen her confusion every time he came to sit with me or talk to me, I had seen it for months, wanted to talk to her for months, but couldn't because, I like you felt I could not betray HIS trust in me either.

I didn't tell her everything,nothing about the physical side of thiings, just enough to let her know he had been giving me the same attention.

She knew I was being truthful to her, but I know that she will have been convinced by him, the same as I have that we are only friends. She has asked me since if I am still in contact with him. I saw it in her face how upset she was when I said yes.

I understand completely that she is looking after herself by not revealing anything to me, but at the end of the day I already know, I just don't want it to be true!

He text yesterday saying I can talk later, I couldn't myself and so I'm waiting for him to talk to me today,Valentine's day, he has free time, but has not asked to see me,,,it's not MY usual day to see him!!

Tuesday is HER day!!

All I can say today really is this,,,

People all over the world will be giving cards, flowers and gifts today, to show someone how much they are loved.

Just remember,,talk is cheap and ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!!

When you are loved, really loved, you feel it and know it, you don't need to question anything, feel confused, frightened, frustrated, sad, any of these things.

You don't need to wonder constantly where he is, you know where he is, he is with you on every level!!

Happy Valentine's day to you all xx


Ashantina profile image

Ashantina 4 years ago

And ladies, if this rings any bells, pls find the strength to LEAVE. RUN, and dont look back.

Thanks for sharing.


aliveandkickin 4 years ago

I too feel out of place. I was married to a female sociopath for almost 20 years. 2 weeks after our divorce hearing she was bringing her latest boyfriend around in public but she has managed to convince everyone I was the one cheating. Can anyone tell me why others would rather believe her lies than the truth that is slapping them in the face? These same people have seen me coaching little league and at our 4 boys events when she has been painfully absent over the years.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Well, he emailed me this morning a happy valentines day. Then, I saw him this afternoon too and we had some presents for each other. We were intimate and he made me feel special today in his own way. I have to say I was surprised. I thought for sure I would be disappointed.

We had some good discussions about presents and he was really sweet today. And he wore something I had bought for him. It was like he did it to please me. And yet, he had his jacket zipped up and I thought it was a bit odd. So, I went over and unzipped it to see his shirt. I asked where he got the shirt. And he said a girl. I said who. He said a girl I know. A friend of mine. He said some other things but he was soooo weird about it. Then when I got home I realized it was from the other woman. She was away and must of bought it for him. It is very specifically from a place and could only have come from her. Wow. So, he wore an item of clothing from each of us.

At least I know he was with me intimately first today because he lasted all of 5 seconds. I don't know why that should matter but it does.

The more I think this all through, the more I try to understand why I care and why I want it to continue. I guess because I hold on to hope that there is more. That one day he will show me with his actions how much I mean to him.

When the other woman and I spoke she never admitted to being physically with him. She said it was emotional but not physical. I never believed her. I think she was worried about telling me the truth. But that just left that small window of doubt open. He says it was/is not physical either but yet if it is emotional I think that even hurts more.

His kisses today felt more connected and I have no idea why. Maybe he sensed I was unhappy with the way things have been. I even mentioned it to him. How I felt he wasnt feeling pleasure and it was sort of lifeless.

I had his attention today and it was nice but now I get the feeling I wont hear from him or get this kind of attention for a very long time.

I appreciate everyones posts. it has been really helpful. It is scary how similar everyones stories. I am trying to work through of the information and the things I have experienced. I am trying to look at the situation as clearly as possible but it is not easy.


Ataloss 4 years ago

What have we reduced ourselves to that we worry about not receiving this kind of attention again for a while??

I too got the Happy Valentine's message, how lucky I am, he wishes he could kiss me, hold me, just see me today!!!

We actually talked on the phone for an hour, an hour he could have given me in face to face time!!

ALL WORDS no action!!

The conversations feel awkward to me now, I want to question him, bereate him, find answers,JUST FEEL HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME, but I can't, if I ask him anything awkward, he loses his phone signal or deflects the issue!!

I come away feeling like something is missing every time, I was not my usual self, I received texts again throughout the day, all love talk, he does this when he feels I may be losing interest.

Like a fool, I reassured him in my replies, I probably won't hear again now for a few days.

The patterns and cycles are so blatantly obvious that it is really beginning to feel nauseous to me now, and yet, here I am stuck right in the middle of all these games, and the more he does this, the more he pushes me away.

He has actually said to me on a meeting that he has expected me to tell him it's over!!!

I asked him "is this why you're doing this?"

He fell silent for a while.

It is just as that article says, they are so petrified you will abandon them that they will instigate it FOR YOU, just so they can believe it was their own decision.

I will not give him that satidfaction!!

It helps a little to knnow that this is how they feel, they are worrying too, but of course not in nay way the same as we are.

I just hope the day will come soon when I can ignore him completely, but at the moment I am feeling angry, I have had so much hurt, I feel stupid, used, conned, all those angry feelings are coming out now.

I know it nearly kills him if I ignore him, so I do now and then, and it does feel better, gives me back a little power for a while.

Let's see what the next few days bring xx


Absolutely 4 years ago

So, as I expected he has changed yet again. He was quiet and distant last night and this morning I got a very quick email saying good morning. He wrote more than he usually does but probably because he knew that was all he could write to me before she got there. I responded right away and got a one word response. That always happens when she is there.

The email was generic and preparing me to not see him later. Telling me he would be busy with work all day. Right. I know I dont see him tomorrow- that is her day. I am trying to prepare myself now to be strong. This is the time where I feel like I can do it. I say I wont be nice, I wont give too much contact, I won't tell him where I have been or what my schedule is, and when I do see him I will say I just dont think I can do this anymore. And yet, he will reach out, see me, question me, and I will fall like a tower of cards.

The worst part is I feel just like you do Ataloss, hurt, stupid, conned and angry. Yesterday I was so surprised by his attention (the little bit I got) but it was all part of the plan. Because I know he will be with her today or tomorrow. And even though I dont think they spent time together yesterday, I am sure he contacted her, made her feel special too.

I also feel that he wants me to fight with him. It gives him the space he needs. I find on the days he knows he can't be with me, there is always some drama. He instigates a fight. I also fall for it too. And then when the time is right again for him, or he feels I may really have had enough, he wipes it all away.

It is all of the up and down emotions that are driving me crazy. I feel sad and sick all of the time. I actually enjoy the time I am away from him, because I feel stronger and then the need to be with him dissipates. It is always that first day after being with him that is the hardest. Just like an addict- the withdrawal is painful. But it gets better and then the cycle starts again.

Today and tomorrow I will get nothing from him and that's probably why I got something yesterday. Not sure about Friday but the weekend and Monday is for sure the days he will pour it all on. I may even get lunch, dinner, or drinks. Let's see if my predictions are correct. If they are, I am so stupid because if I can predict his behavior and the cycles- why should I allow myself to fall for it.

I want off this ride. It is not fun anymore. It is not healthy. I deserve better. You deserve better too ataloss. We are better than this. Now it is time to believe this.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Absolutely, I really wish I could send you my email address,I feel like I am using this hub as a personal journal, but now I have found somewhere to talk, it's all pouring out of me, and I am finding it helps a lot to be able to share with people who are also going through this.

You don't say if your man is married or not, or if you are yourself, it doesn't really matter of course, being married only gives them another excuse not to see you.

I have said to him as we speak on email and chat " we could have met up now" he has used excuses such as I have work to finish, I have so much to do, he has even used housework as an excuse to me.

(He is married for god's sake, he has a wife as well!!)

On the phone yesterday he told me he thinks of me constantly, desperately needs to see me, make love to me, yeah yeah, of course he does, and he actually expects me to carry on believing all this baloney!!

He gives me little crumbs to keep me there in the background, and for months I missed him so much, wanted to believe him so much, that I put up with it all.

This man, and YOUR man only want us there for their own ego, thay are scared to death that we will stop wanting them!! That is the root problem of anyone with a personality disorder, the more I read up on it, the more I am reading about him, like it's his personal biography.

It is an immediate reaction to feel sorry for them once you know their reasons, but there is no point in that, they do not know or recognise the reasons of their behaviours themselves.

They know they are not quite the same as everyone else, but they imagine that everyone else is the same as them, and their behaviour is normal.

There is not one thing that will ever make them change, all women are dispensable to them, if you drop them, it nearly kills them, but only for a short while, they then have to find another willing victim to lure into their world of deceit, lies, control and manipulation.

They need it to give them the buzz and excitement.

They thrive on drama, crisis and pain!

They will move on to the next one as easy as having lunch!

But they need you to stay around because they are scared of change and scared of losing something that made them feel good.

They will always keep you there as long as you are willing to put up with it, and the more love you show, the more loyalty, the more games they will play with you in return.

The less loved they will make you feel.

Usually one woman is never enough, they need to have at least one other, they need to be able to balance women, they get kicks form the drama of it all.

When I haven't heard from mine for a few days, he always comes back with a big drama story for an excuse, some of them are laughable, but all total crap.

HE has finally admitted he has no intention of ending his marriage, this is after months of telling me it's me he wants and should be with , he was so convincing that I worked everything out in my head, my finances, my job, my house, everything, ready for the time he said this is it!

I planned my future around him for God's sake!!

I know they were the usual married man's cliche's, but he was so damned obsessed with me, clung to me, every possible moment,and when I confronted him about the other woman, he cried, begged, pleaded with me to believe him.

How can any person tell you that the other one means absolutely nothing to him, never has, never will, he has no interest in her wahtsoever?? and then goad you with things about her that he knows will upset you, deeply hurt your feelings??

I could almost see and feel his cruel triumphant smiles as he said those things to me!!

No normal man/woman who had any feelings for you could do that! and then to say the same things to her about me, (I'm sure)

They say that what goes around comes around, there have been times I have wanted some kind of revenge on him for the deep hurt he caused me, times when I wanted to scream out loud to everyone what he had done to me, but I had to suppress all of that, wait and try to let those feelings subside.

I'm glad I did now, I'm sure he feels he has me where he wants me, but I know in my heart that he doesn't, I know now that when I tell him face to face that I don't need or want him any more, it will be him who feels like he has been knifed, but for now, I have to wait just a little longer before I can bring myslef to do it.

That will be the time I can say it without ME hurting, and I can see the feeling of abandonment in his face.

Such is his certainty that he has me forever!

I am worth a whole lot more than this!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss, I too feel like we are personally talking to each other. It is so helpful to me to not only talk about it but also hear someone else have the same problems. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. This is the only place I have been able to let it all go.

He is married and so am I. He has made jokes about us running away together but has also made it clear that he has no intentions of leaving his wife. they have a child. And he doesn't want to disrupt his child's life. I never wanted that anyway. I have too much to lose in my own marriage that I couldnt see that happening anyway. But he did bring me happiness that I wasnt getting at home. But now it is like he has brought me more sadness and hurt than happiness.

He is always bringing up sexual talk- like he is so good and has so much experience but has never been able to show it. He never performs well and always has an excuse. But he will never offer to meet me in a place where it should be perfect. I think this is done on purpose.

He has also teased me about her and things I have accused him of. It is all a joke to him. Comparing us, telling me things she does, etc. But he is constantly saying things that he says I said but I didnt. That is upsetting me. Even today made a comment about me starting the pill again. I never went off of it! I said whoa you must be thinking of someone else! He played it off but I found that disturbing. When I went for my blood tests he said didnt you just have them done in Sept? Again, I did not. I was like you must be thinking of someone else. I mean my god! Am I that stupid!

I told him that it felt like not only was he with this other woman but that he loved her more, cared about her more and gave her more time. He convinced me that he did not. He said they were strictly friends and that anything she said about things he said or gave to her was nothing- she must of misinterpreted the meaning. And then he played it off like women read into things to much. They are too emotional! He said I was the only one. He has fun with me. He said she wanted more at one point but he didnt want her. I said well if you are friends and joke all of the time and she is interested- how do you know nothing more will come of it? He said because he doesnt want her. Well, I dont believe it. I never have and never will.

I am also starting to believe he has another woman in his snare. I think it is her friend! She has been spending a lot more time with him and they bring each other things and they aren't always truthful about how much they communicate via text and the presents that have been exchanged. I am not sure but she is now dressing to please him, spending way more time together, and flirting openly.

I hope karma does its job. I have also wanted to scream out loud and accuse him of all of the things he has done in front of everyone. Maybe others would come forward?! I want revenge every day. I think of ways to get all of his victims to come together and confront him once and for all together as a united front. That would have to hurt and humiliate him.

I watched him squirm today. A cute guy who he knows I think is cute was next to us. He was so uncomfortable because he knows how I feel. He was jealous and I liked that he felt odd.

We are both worth a lot more ataloss. We have fallen into the wrong hands. We were both looking for attention, love, happiness and found a fake version of it. We wanted it so badly that we werent able to see clearly.

I think this talking is helpful, informative, and shows us that we are not alone. We are not the only ones that have fallen to a predator like this.

Good luck and stay strong. xx


Absolutely 4 years ago

I have had a revelation about the other woman. He had convinced me that she was lying to me about things she said and that there was nothing between them. I never believed him that there was nothing between then but I did think she was lying.

Now I realize that she was lying because of him and how he manipulates us. I have no doubt that she was protecting herself but also so in love with him that she told me how she hated him, would never let him do what he did to me, and how she was worried for her safety and the safety of her family. But she has since continued her relationship with him. So friendly and flirty. She even invited him to her house for a party(if she was concerned for her safety- this makes no sense) and she went away on a short trip and brought him back a shirt(again odd for someone who hates someone) But I know how good he is. I know how it feels to feel so hurt and angry and scared but then still continue a relationship with that very person. He convinces by saying you are the only one. They other one is crazy and confused and lying. He works hard at keeping both of us in the game. Giving one the time and attention and none to the other and then the next day it switches. And the whole time confusing you and making you doubt and second guess your instincts.

I am hurt again because he did exactly as I had expected so far. Last night he had an excuse for no good night and then hardly any contact today. No good night again and it will be because he was too busy at work. Please. It is because he is with her. Plain and simple. When he thought I was coming close to ending it all last week and the week before- I got the good nights, the emails- even with her there. He found a way. Now, he thinks all is ok since he was good to me yesterday. He is in for a rude awakening. I am ignoring his emails tomorrow. The problem is this only makes him try harder! At least I dont see him tomorrow and can avoid it. He will probably come up with some time and try to lure me in.

I am so done. I am so angry. I am feeling so duped. I have really wanted to leave. I even told him I would go somewhere else to work. The first time he said no because then he wouldnt see me. The second time(after giving him a hard time about everything and making it clear I knew) he said go ahead. Leave. But he does this to scare me. To keep me guessing. Just like when I said I would work with someone else. He got angry and had reasons for me not to. But then said no go ahead. It is fine. And then when I said I would, he backed off and said that I should do the work on my own. I shouldn't need to work with someone. His way of manipulating the situation so that I do not work with this other man.

Ugh. I am drowning in my own sorrow and confusion. It is so hard.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Absolutely

I think you are at the same place I was in a few months ago, working in the middle of this mess

(Casanova+ lover number one + love number two)

I've been there myself, fallen in love with the guy, and it is nothing short of mental torture!!

I had to watch him, like you, every day, trying to hide what he was doing with her, and yet I saw, the fleeting touches, eye contact, and then, because I'm very perceptive, I worked out all the patterns, changes from ususal rigid contact times, I noticed that the texts were crafty manipulative questions rather than statements, all designed to make sure i was out of the way on certain days.

It was odd though, ne never tried to hide ME from anyone, he didn't seem to mind everyone talking about me and him, like I was some kind of trophy for him.

And then, I actually heard them, he used all the same words to her when he greeted her, I heard all the moans and groans, I threw up twice.

When I confronted him later that day, he denied everything, and he was so damn convincing,, and I loved him so deeply that I WANTED to believe him, he swore I was wrong, and the very next day in front of me, he went and waited at the window for her arriving, followed her in to another room, stayed there for a while, came out behind her with his hand on her rear, all where I could see, and then came to me, told me all the usual things, I've missed you so much, I couldn't text last night because.............

Told me every single day that she meant nothing to him, text me incessantly with adoration, begging me not to leave him.

I told him I was going to leave, and he literally begged me in front of other people, which caused everyone to look, and caused more gossip, it was like he was on a different planet, spaced out, disengaged from reality!

And the next day, he still went over to look out for her arriving, smiled at me, winked at me!!

I have, because I have been soo deeply gaslighted and charmed by him, still wanted to believe that he loves me more, its over between them.

I myself have been in denial for months! I too am married for a long time, believe it or not, to a very insecure, controlling and sometimes cruel man.

I have questioned myself recently.

Why the hell do I need these types of men in my life?

I didn't have a dysfunctional upbringing, we din't have a lot as kids, but I had a fairly good childhood, I'm not a needy person, maybe I needed the love which felt real, soft, gentle, FOR ME, not just for sex, emotional support, etc.

Those are all the things I thought I had found in this other man, I actually thought I could carry on with this for the rest of my life, stay at home, and be happy as long as I had my own little thing, just for ME for a change, but unfortunately, all I will ever have from him is texts, the odd phone call, just to keep feeding his own ego.

I thought I had found a man I could leave everything for, such was his convincing manipulation.

He has not been there for me on special occasions, only a text with exaggerated words on the day, he made dramas and crisis up just in time for Christmas, he drove me miles out of town for some (special time) knowing that he wouldn't be able to make love to me.

I passed it off and siad we would be able to work through those issues if what we had was real.

I have other things going on in my family,things I wish I could talk to him about.

When we speak on the phone, which is not often, I ask him

what do you have to tell me, or ask me, and he falls silent, he can't think of anything, and then asks "have you missed me?"

I just laugh now and say of course I have, that's why you haven't text isn't it!!! to make me miss you!!

Then later, he texts and says it was lovely to talk to you, I can't wait to do it in person, with no promise of a meeting, not even a suggestion.

It is only better for me that he left and went to work somewhere else, because if I had to see him every day, clinging to me and fawning over me, I think I would have broken down by now.

It is easier becasue I don't have to watch his ggames, but yet I know they are still going on, it is still on my mind all the time.

All I have with this jerk is a long distance thing really, he gives me absolutely NOTHING! and when he does text to call me I am supposed to be elated!!

He has been very forthcoming for the last week, texting throughout the day, but NO goodnight texts, someone else must be getting those!

All this time, he has played these games with me, but now, I feel like I am playing those games too, there is nothing left between us, but I know the moment I tell him its over, he will not leave me alone, he will come back full on, arrange to see me again, but if we do, nothing gets sorted out, nothing moves any further.

It's like being trapped in one of those dreams where someone is following you, you run, try to get away, but they always catch up with you, and then the dream stops, you don't get to see what happens next!

I stood outside of a pet shop the other day, watching a hamster running around a wheel, and tears fell down my face, it was like watching ME, I wanted to go in and stop the wheel just so that hamster could have a break!!!

If I had, as soon as I let go, that hamster would have started to run round the wheel again.

Just like us, we have been programmed so deeply that it's hard to stop and get off!

I'm being a little deep today, I didn't sleep well last night, and just needed to get this out.

take care

xxxxx


Absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss,

It is eerie how similar our situations are. I KNOW what you are going through and feeling. I am sorry someone else is feeling the way I do. It is really awful.

Today I have been strong. He emailed me good morning and I did not answer. THis is the first time I have ever done that. Of course, no follow up- asking if I am ok or anything. I am not going to answer all day. I am sure I will hear nothing but I need this today for my own sanity.

He asked me specifics of my schedule for today when I saw him briefly yesterday. I didnt want to answer because I knew why he was asking. I tried so hard to avoid. But he managed to get the answers he sought. It was in such a roundabout way but he did it. Now, he knows he is free to do what he has planned with her. Good for him.

I am so done. I am also so let down. As usual.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I think I have hit a new level in how I am feeling. Before, I was angry and confused. Now I am so heartbroken. I have been depressed all day. He has not a care in the world that I avoided contact today. Unless you count his being concerned I may know something, as caring.

I have cried most of the day thinking about how cruel, how disgusting, how thoughtless one man can be. I put my whole self out there for it to be trampled over.

It doesn't help that I feel like she does things to intentionally hurt me. Or perhaps not intentionally but does things that I cant help but notice that upset me. Today she was wearing this skin tight, see through dress. Which I know she does for him. She always wears it on the days she is alone with him. He has pretended that he didnt even notice that it was see through. In the past, I said come on, you notice every woman with legs that walks by and you didnt notice her nipples saying hello to the world. I mean come on. I did not see him at all today. But he saw he for her extended time and also her friend which I found odd. She has been seeing him way more and at odd times of the day. She never used to come in the afternoon and now she does. Very odd.

In any case, he has continued to do as I expect. He has hurt me deeply today. The thoughts of all of the things I suspect, the things I know, have flooded my head today. It is really hurting me more than ever. I feel like it is all becoming clearer how stupid I have been. But the thought of it ending also scares me. I can see his smug smile right now. He thinks he got away with it all today but then he realizes I havent answered him and it makes him think. But he knows all he has to do is call me and he can figure out what I know and what I dont know. He can convince me it was all in my head. He did call. I actually answered the phone but told him right away that I couldnt talk. And the fact that he didnt even respond by email tells me something is not right. He will be silent the rest of the night for sure. We see each other tomorrow. I wonder what will happen.

I know tonight I will be a wreck. My heart feels like it has been pulled through my throat. It really hurts.


Absolutely 4 years ago

So sorry for using this as my own personal blog but today I have to share.

After months and months of self doubt, confusion, lies, and feeling like I was going crazy, I finally have the concrete proof I have waited for. I am devastated. Even though I knew in my gut that this is what was really happening, now I have no doubt and no way to excuse it all away.

I hired a Private investigator. I did so for my own sanity. I would have never been able to close this chapter without the hard evidence. Well, I got my proof. I thought about going to him with it and confronting him but that terrifies me and I think will be very dangerous for me. I thought about bringing it to her to show her that I know about them but also to warn her about others. But again, she will go to him and in the end probably won't take it to heart.

So for now, I am taking this as my exit plan. I have what I have so long waited for. It is somewhat helpful but also has destroyed me. The hope, the faith, the happiness, all gone for good.

I want to scream at him, take a baseball bat to his knees, just fall to the ground and cry. But for now I am home crying. All day crying.

My saga is over. Now for the escape. I hope I can get away unscathed. Good luck ataloss. I am hoping you find your peace.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Wow, what can I say!

I too have thought of doing the same thing in the past, and I still do every day, but I guess I am too scared I'll find out for sure, I think you are very strong to be able to do this.

I don't have room in me yet for even more emotions to come out.

I'm still in denial about the things he has done to me, and yet I know about them.

I'm allowing myself to be played with over and over again, but I'm scared of what I would do with hard proof if I had it in front of me.

I would be too angry to just let it go, I know that for sure, and I think that is what I'm scared of.

You did a brave thing, it is final, you now know for sure that your senses are all in tact.

You need time to heal from this and it will take time, probably a long time, but you can do it for yourself now.

I think that knowing you have been right all along will bring mixed feelings for you, and you will need to deal with those feelings carefully, don't do anything you may regret later, do the right thing and just tell him it's over, you are worth more than he can give you, tell himn you know for sure how cruel he is, and that you hope one day someone will do it to him, and then just walk away!

I hope you will come back on here and let me know how you are soon, it has been good for me to know I am not alone with these feelings.

I also hope you can move on and live your life to the fullest abilty and be happy.

Take care for now


Absolutely 4 years ago

It has been such a hard day for me. I had to see him today. I tried to act like I didn't know anything. He said I looked like something was wrong. I insisted I was ok. He can see right through me. Even with all of this proof, he has a way of charming me. I almost broke down in tears. But I held it together.

With this proof, I can do a lot of damage. I can ruin his job, ruin his marriage, ruin her marriage, and cause a lot of pain and trouble. I am holding my cards very close to my vest. I don't want either of them to know just yet.

She lied to me about their relationship, she took in information and used it to keep him close to her, she has made me feel badly on more than one occasion. So, I have no sympathy for her. She knew we were together and yet continued to be with him and continued to lie to me about to save her own ass. After I poured my heart and soul out to her to try and get the truth to save myself.

I could care less if he lost his job. Then he wouldnt be near her anymore. I feel like just taking everything from them. But I like having this power if knowledge right now. I am going to keep it to myself a little longer and see how it plays out.

She is away and he has already tried to make plans with me for tomorrow. Actually wants to go somewhere with me!

I am working through things slowly. It really hurts. But now I know the truth and who the liars are.


amanda 4 years ago

Ready for this, my partner:

- was living with a female roommate when i met him who he claimed was just a friend. she kept having these crying spells and he told me it was because some guy broke her heart (didn't tell me the guy was him)

- moved into my place fresh out of the roommates apartment less than a month after our first date. immediately wanted to take me to Florida to meet his parents, told me i was "the one" he planned a trip to the Dominican republic for my birthday which was 2 months after we had been dating

-shortly after we returned from our "dream trip" I discovered he was a member of several dating sites, he had the audacity to load a picture of himself that i took of him on our trip as his profile pic, sending messages to women about how he has been hurt and is just looking for the right woman

-when i confronted him he was more upset at the fact that i had found his secret than he was at himself, he showed absolutely no remorse and was not apologetic in fact he threatened to end the relationship

-fastforward, he works in the travel industry and is away from home a lot. many nights i would call his hotel room and get no answer, one time a woman answered his hotel phone (this is while i was pregnant with his baby fyi) i asked for him and he told me she was just using the restroom (at 600am) 3 hours later I suffered a miscarriage.

-i was so depressed after losing our child, i couldn't bare to be alone..i fell into a depression..ended up getting pregnant by him again..2 months later

-along with the date sites he had several secret email addresses, he used to talk to other women.

-after the baby was born things got even worse. i called him while he was on a trip and the phone accidentally picked up and i heard him talking to another woman about how "tight her walls are". obviously they just finished having sex.

-when i confronted him and told him i heard everything, he called me a fucking liar told me to go to hell etc. then next morning he started saying how much he wants to marry me...wtf

as if i havent said enough...theres more...the worst part of my story is i am still laying right next to him as we speak. help


gen 4 years ago

I'm so glad I came across this site, I've had a sociopath that doesn't leave me alone for over 2 years and we didn't even have a serious relationship, he threatened to kill me after I cut communication with him. I had noticed that he would tell me things to get me jealous or do things with other girls to get attention. I had to report him, get a restraining order and he had to get medical help but nothing makes him stop, its been 2 years and this guy won't leave me alone and now he keeps asking for forgiveness and to be friends again but when I ignore him he gets aggressive.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Amanda, I so understand where you are coming from.

I finally got the proof I was looking for. I thought that would be enough for me to finally walk away and be done with it. I thought it would be the answer I needed.

I was so wrong. I let him spin his little web around me and convince me how he really cares about me. How "we" have something more special than anything or anyone else. He gave me time and attention. He has take me out, spent time with me, treated me the way I have longed to be treated. I know why but I like it.

We spent a few hours together this weekend. That is a lot for us. We made love and it was more intimate than it has ever been. He asked me to go out to eat and we spent the whole time talking. It is like a different person has replaced him. Everything has been great.

And then yesterday I got the questions about where I was going, when I would be back. I got no contact that evening. It is so odd. THis is when I feel like he has schizophrenia or something. It is like that person is gone.

I still don't know what I am going to do with the proof I have. A part of me wanted so bad to prove I was right but a part of me does not want to lose that little bit that makes me happy. I doubt I will ever confront him with it unless he gets me so angry and I lose it. There is a very good chance that I might confront her with it. At least to let her know I know and see through her lies and that if she thinks she is the only one, she is sadly mistaken. At the very least, warn her to always use protection.

I think what will very likely happen, is one day I will be really hurt and heartbroken after he pulls back again or she flaunts their behavior in front of me, and I will just lose it. Reveal everything and end the bs once and for all.

It is not easy. No one can say until they have been in the grips of one of these men. I thought I was stronger than this. I though for sure that once I had hard proof, I would just leave. But look how weak I am now. I know and still let it continue. I have lost every bit of me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I am ashamed.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hi Absolutely.

I didn't answer until you came back with your decision, simply because I knew what it would be!!

I am in exactly the same place as you,I had proof, not from a private investigator, I did my own detective work, but nevertheless I still had proof after months of seeing all the obvious signs!!

I understand how convincing these men are, how deeply they get inside you, your head, your heart, your very being.

I did confront mine wiht the proof, his reaction was totally out of sinc with that of an innocent person, I knew he was lying to me, but he told me repeatedly, I had it all wrong, told me over and over again that he had never any interest in HER whatsoever, she meant nothing to him, never had, never would. He begged, cried, pleaded, and then everything came back obsessively again, but guess what,only for a while!!!

Once he had me convinced and back in his snare, he back peddled again, and then started mind games, obsessive texting, wanting to talk every day.

You are having this now, he convinced you, gave you just enough for you to think he is sincere, and then wham!!

Don't be ashamed with yourself, I am not ashamed, I can say that I have never been anything but sincere, loyal, honest and true to this sick man, Yes I am married, but it is this man whom I love, and that is why I am loyal to him even forsaking all others. All I get from him is I love you, I need you,false promises of future time together, and then excuses every time. He keeps reminding me what a patient person I am, what he means is,,please don't stop loving ME and wanting ME, and please hang in the background until I have nothing more exciting to fall back on!

I thought having proof would be enough for be to walk away, I was wrong too, I wish I hadn't got it, I'm stuck in a vicious circle waiting for him just to contact me, knowing that all the words will be the same old words and promises, and obsessing over where he is, is he wiht her, is he saying the same things to her, does he back off from her too?????

I'm exausted form it all now, I know that if I say it's over, he will come back obsessivly again, but I don't actually want him to, all I want is what I will never get and that is honesty, these men only think they love, they can't actually feel real love, they only feel obsession which fades.

I's the chase and conquest which is all they live for, and there is no point worrying that SHE is better than you in any way, it does not matter, fat, thin, blonde, brunette, brown eyes, blue eyes, none of it makes any difference, if it smiles at him, off he goes for that Buzz!!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

We are in exactly the same place ataloss. I don't know why I allow him to keep doing this to me. You are so right about it being a vicious cycle. He gives a little and then takes it all away and then gives more and takes more. I can't stand it.

Yesterday he took me to lunch (gave me a little) and then backed off completely(took it all away)

Today he lied to me yet again. He said one of his clients could not make it so he had a break. That was blatant lie and he was stupid enough to bring up his schedule in front of me. Over and over the lies come. I made it clear that I was really upset today and he needed to know why. I refused. I even said you should figure out why. He got really defensive- like a trapped animal. I made a joke about him being trustworthy and he got really upset about it and put it back on me for not trusting him.

It is so obvious he was with her today and the lies proved it.

I dont worry at all that she is better than me. I do worry that he gives her more time than me or isnt with me because of her. I know that is so stupid. But that is what makes me feel like I am not good enough. It is like we are competing all of the time. I hate it.

I am obsessed with where he is, what his schedule is, who he is with, if he could have been with her, or someone else. I am seriously hurting myself mentally. This is going to put me in the hospital. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.


Absolutely 4 years ago

OMG even now, I just actually confronted him with the lie about the schedule and I got more lies. He took his time to answer me trying to figure out a way to cover it up. He said that schedule was for another day. That was not true at all. And I said I saw you take her name out of the schedule He said no. He kept coming up with excuses. I saw it with my very own eyes and yet I am doubting it. WHY? Why dont I trust what I saw with my own eyes? How can someone be so convincing? I know what I saw for sure and yet I actually started to believe I was wrong.


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Wow some very interesting stories here. I didn't realize how common place sociopaths are. I recently left a relationship with one.

From day one she seemed to be the perfect fit for me, almost too perfect.

She drew me in by presenting everything I always wanted escpecially her daughter which is the sad part of my experience as she was the innocent one in all of this.

From day one I listened to sob stories about her childhood and how her parents sent her to boarding school and didn't care about her and how this caused her to become a drug addict from which she recovered with their help.

Then there was the stories of the supposed "crazy" ex-boyfriends who would never trust her even though and I quote "I never did anything wrong". I was even drawn into a police investigation as one of these ex's was harassing her, etc, etc.

I did a lot for her, provided a vehicle, took care of her daughter so she could "finally have a life".

Oh the best part, was the story about how she had to terminate a pregnancy because one of the crazy ex's got her pregnant by lying to her... It takes 2 for that to happen that should have bm a red flag.

Sociopaths are masters at charm and manipulation and the best of us get drawn in. She used to literally berate my ex-wife for cheating on me and boasted her high moral fibre and how she could never do such a thing... All lies.

Once faced with the realization of what I was dealing with, I started to hide money, let on that I was going broke an may lose my home and in the end had the interior of my car recorded and found she was messing around with another young 23 year old boy toy. I confronted her left and never looked back.

Abusive at times would be an understatement and there is not a day I wake up that I regret my decision to leave, my only sadness comes from the fact that a darling little girl has such a monster to look up to in such formative years.

There is survival after being with a sociopath, I am living proof just remember to keep clear of them once you are gone!


Absolutely 4 years ago

I spent all night replaying i my head what happened yesterday. The lie. The big lie. I know what I saw and he has used lie after lie to explain it all away and I started to believe him. Then I thought about all of the other times I "knew" he lied and he explained it all away. There are things I know for sure were lies. So, I think about how easily he lied to my face and made me believe it was not true. When he makes promises to be honest with me and to tell me if he is with anyone else, I know that it is all a lie. It is so hard knowing that he can make me believe that he is being sincere but also knowing that it could very well be a lie.

He professed his innocence to me. Told me over and over to stop worrying. He is good. He is honest. He is going to miss me while I am away. I think he is relieved I will be away. It will give him a chance to be with her without any interruptions. Perfect opportunity. The funny thing is I think about what she is getting. Nothing. All of the waiting, all of the hype, and the payoff sucks. It is nice to have time and talk but the physical side is not worth all of the trouble.

He went on and on about how nice it was the other day when we just spent time together and talked. It made me think he actually had some sort of feelings and that he cared. But I cant believe anything.

I will spend the next few days thinking about him being with her. It makes me sick to my stomach.


Abby 4 years ago

I am in deep. I allowed a man who I knew to be untrustworthy and a compulsive liar to manipulate me into moving in with me. We had been friends (so to speak) for 5 years. I felt sorry for him. He had no job, his wife had divorced him and was just getting out of 4 months of rehab. After a year of supporting him he finally got a job 2 weeks ago and things are already starting to change. His demeanor is getting more casual and he talks about all of the things he is going to do with his new friends at work. Mind you as most of us in this situation I put almost all of my friends on the back burner and have spent almost every non-working hour with him in this past year. He has no credit, no car (he uses my spare car) and even when he gets paid, most will go to child support and be garnished for past debts.

I know by now you think I must be nuts. I knew every step of the way that I was making a mistake, but was afraid to turn him out as he had very little to turn to and had threatened suicide on a few occasions.

I am a responsible middle aged women with grandchildren. I have a good job and have always been respected by my friends and family. He is in his early 40's and has addiction issues although he has tried very hard to stay sober with my 'help'.

Every morning I lay in bed and a sense of dread comes over me as I wonder how I am going to get out of this situation before things deteriorate. We already seem to argue more days than not. I know that he will find others to satisfy his need for immediate gratification as I become less tolerant of the whole situation.

He says he loves me and wants only to be with me, but I have known from the beginning that as soon as he gets on his feet, I will be disposed of.

I feel pathetic. I created this situation. I want him out of my life but I don't. I want him out entirely because I do not trust him. He has lied to me so many times in the past. He knows I don't trust him....but we continue to pretend it will somehow magically change......

I like the advice to make things so uncomfortable that he will want to leave. But then I feel sorry for myself and 'all the the things that I have done for him' and keep wanting to believe that it will account for something.....


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

These lyrics (from Adele's song Set Fire to the Rain) are so descriptive of the disorder we are discussing here:

Cause there's a side to you

That I never knew, never knew,

All the things you'd say,

They were never true, never true,

And the games you play

You would always win, always win.

Be safe and smart. Don't blame yourself for this situation; just figure out the best way to get out of it safely. I am sending my positive thoughts and prayers out to you today. Stay strong!


Absolutely 4 years ago

Well, it has been a tortuous couple of days being away. He has emailed me many times a day. All cute, flirty, and making promises to be good. Got good mornings and good nights every day but I could tell when she was with him and he couldnt email much.

I think he was surprised when he heard I was home already. He might have had plans with her and this could scare him since I could be around to catch him. He was very different with me once he heard.

I have come to the conclusion that I either need to walk away for good or accept that he is with other women and just enjoy the time I have. If I dont do one of these two things, I am going to destroy myself. I am going so crazy thinking about every scenario. I wonder all of the time when he is not with me or talking to me if he is with her. Or worse, if he has been with her physically before or after me. She must be going through the same things.

I asked a few very pointed questions these past few days about where he was or if he was being loyal and honest. He tried to be cute a few times and also would avoid answering or even better would answer but not quite. It could be the answer to what I was asking or sort of be for something else. He did make promises but I know that doesnt mean anything.

It is so stupid but a part of me just wants him to be honest and say I am with other women. ok. A part of me wants nothing to come out. Let sleeping dogs lie. The things I know, what he knows- if it doesnt come out we can keep going with things the way they are. I get the attention when he gives it, I get the physical stuff(some of it I do enjoy), and there is no hope of anything more. It is what it is.

He consumes my thoughts. I can hardly function. My days are spent thinking about him. The good and the bad. I have neglected my own life. My husband and I are so detached so that isnt an issue. He and I could be divorced tomorrow- things are that bad. People outside of our family have no idea. Things seem great. We are great actors. We do our jobs but there is no love. But my kids deserve their mom to be present. That is the worst part. I need to get me back.

It is really sad that I love a man who cant love me. A man who is so cruel, so heartless, and so vacant. He gives me just enough to feel cared for and loved. Sexually, he does excite me and can pleasure me but not totally. When we make love, I hope for so much more. It is always a let down. He doesnt fully connect and he doesnt seem to know what to do. He gets hardly anything from it.

I need more help. I need to seek out professional help.

Ataloss, how has therapy been for you? Is it helpful? How often do you get to see your man? And when you do, does he make you feel like you are the only one in the world and so special and then right after your meeting, does he sort of go cold- backs off?


Ataloss 4 years ago

I think as far as therapy goes, you have to know deep down that you are going to move on, therapy is there to help you do that.

I didn't go to mine yet, I have to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to move on, and so I changed my mind.

I am studying as much as I possibly can on personality disorders, and that in itself is helping me a lot.

I am 99% sure that he has borderline disorder. Studying this illness has helped, I now see WHY he is the way he is, it has helped me realise that it has NOTHING to do with me. He loves me in his own way, and when he is with me he FEELS he means every word he says to me.

Of course, you will know yourself how that feels, they are disengaged sexually, something just doesn't feel right, like you are having sex with a robot. You start to think, why doesn't he seem to be really passionate, everything he says to me is really intense and passionate, so why does this not feel passionate?

I think there are two reasons for that,

1. they fear intimacy, they have sex to validate to themselves that they are desirable and worthy, and of course because they know it's what YOU want and if they give it, you will keep loving them.

2. It must be very difficult to have sex with different women, sometimes multiple women, without getting them all mixed up.

I have had mine call someone else's name out right at the crucial momnet, it devastated me, he claimed he was about to say something else but I knew. What made it worse was that being the most 'into ' it I have ever seen him.

She was obviously the one he was obsessing over at that time, the one he was thinking of at that time.

I could have understood that if it had happened with his wife (I'm sure all married men fantasise sometimes) but not while he was with his lover???

They so need to love, to feel that they are loved, but they just can't return the love in the same way you can.

I understand all that now, I know I have been right about him, I know he is petrified of me abandoning him because I validate him, his needs, his deep seated fears.

I understand why he 'goes off' for a few days, seems distant, etc.

But it's the times when you are not together which are unbearable. The constant wondering where they are, who with, and what they are doing.

It is heartbreaking to know thet they may be saying everything the same to another woman, to know that they are so wrapped up in themselves that they are actually oblivious to you being right next to them watching them give that attention to another woman.

The fact is, they know they are doing it, but they can not @thinkn@ of anyone or anything else other than their own impulsive needs and desires at that given moment.

So yes, I understnad it all, but the question is, can I put up with it?

As for backing off right after seeing me? He is talking of getting together for some special time, I will believe that when it happens, it has been a while, and it's as though he has had me in the background while he deals with other things, and is now ready to pick me up again.

If I allow that to happen, I am almost sure he will back off again right after.

That is becasue it is all about the chase, he feels he is going to lose me, and so he will even go so far as to get physical out of the blue, if he feels it will keep me there.

I think in truth they can only deal with one at a time, that's because they obsess. Obsessions usally only last three to four months, when that dies down, for these people, boredom kicks in, they need a new thrill and all those obsessive thoughts and feelings which come with that thrill.

No-one can put all that obsessive energy into more than one thing at a time, if they do it becomes unbearable!

For these disordered men/women, they will tell you what they think you need to hear, just enough to keep you there waiting.

They will only feel they love one more than the other according to whichever one gives them the most adoration, less grief, and therefore less to think about and invest in return.

In order for me to be able to move on, I am now coming to terms with the knowledge that he only wants me when he is bored with the other one.

He wants me when he needs a thrill and some validation.

I have come to terms with the fact that what we had was not real love, it was an obsession (for him)at least.

I think of him every moment of the day still, I know I love him, but I don't know if I can deal with the knowledge that he can never really love me, not deeply or meaningfully.

He thinks he loves me, yes he tells me I am the only one, I am the one who understnads him, he trusts me, I am the one he should be with forever.

I am under no illusions, I know he will be saying exactly the same to whoever he next has an obsession for!!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

Thank you Ataloss for your response. It is very helpful.

We are in such similar places, it is helpful to hear how you approach it, but it is also shocking to see some of the things you deal with. I know it must appear the same to you too. I read your posts and I want to shake you and tell you to snap out of it. Don't let him treat you that way. But I am allowing the same thing to happen. I need someone to shake me!

I don't think I could handle him calling out another woman's name. I think that might be a dealbreaker- but then again who knows?

I do feel like I am not ready to move on. I do feel like when he is with me he means what he says. I think he does care in his own way. It is when we are not together that I feel it all goes away and he can't be truthful with me. When you said they are oblivious that they are giving attention to other women when you are right there- we were out to lunch and he shamelessly flirted with the waitress. I didnt react. I didnt want to be the jealous woman that he has said he really dislikes. But I couldnt believe that he could be so oblivious.

I guess I dont know what I want. I know I love him and want all of his attention. But I know he does not really love me and I know that I am not the only one. I know he can't control himself. I know he can't be honest. I know I enjoy the time we do have together. I enjoy it so much that I replay every minute in my head. I need the contact now. I need to hear from him every day. If I dont, I am unhappy.

We even talked about running away together. We talked about how we would handle the kids. But recently he made it clear he cant leave his family. I am ok with that but I feel like he talks to me about running away together so that I am even more connected. I can't understand why he makes these connections, these statements, why he makes me feel such strong love, if he has no intentions of anything more. I can do the friends with benefits thing too. I dont need the emotions. But he made it more. He has made me fall in love.

I know I am part of the chase. He gets bored and makes me start worrying and backing off and then when I have pulled away enough he comes back.

It hurts for me that he is saying these things to the other woman because he tells me over and over that there is nothing between them. That she has read into things. He convinces me over and over to trust him, that he would never be with anyone else without telling me, that they never, ever had what we had. But I know that is not true.

For now, I am going to muddle through. Enjoy the moments I get. Not worry about her because I know there is nothing I can do but leave. I have to slowly change the situation from being about love and learn to realize it is simply a fling. Nothing more. The thing that hurts the most is that I always thought we were friends. Really close friends. I enjoyed our time together But how can we be friends without honesty and trust. Too much betrayal to be friends.


passion1 4 years ago

Their ultimate goal is to create a willing victim. If you are willing to fill that role then accept your relationshipm for what it is and go for it. I couldn't be that willing victim. I cut the ties six months ago and yes it still hurts but every day in the midst of missing her I can be thankful that I am now in control of my own actions


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

So true. "Their ultimate goal is to create a willing victim." A sad but true statement.

When I think of the huge amount of time that victims spend trying to figure out the "why" of it all, it is really tragic. Time, precious time, that could be spent in a number of ways; looking for someone who is worthy of their interest, for example. Creating art. Spending time with children. Studying and furthering their career. The sociopath robs his or her victims and their families of so much.


Wes 4 years ago

I took a sociopath in as a business partner 25 years ago he has fathered a child with my wife behind my back and taken over my life under the guise of being my best friend.

I am now in a terrible financial situation due to his baiting and lies.How can I trust my wife after lying to me for 21 years.I do not believe in divorce.What can I do she is unrepentant.

What I post here is just the tip of the iceberg.

People beware of thieves in the night!


Ataloss 4 years ago

I have had all the same things told to me.

"I would leave everything for you, but I couldn't ask you to go through that"

"You are the only one who understands me"

"You are the only woman I can be myself with"

"You are so beautiful ,why do you want me?"

"I never ever thought I would have someone like you"

"you are on my mind constantly, I wish I could do all those ordinary everyday things with you"

"I want you in my life forever,I just can't let you go"

"I just need to be with you, if only to hold you, touch you, look at you, etc, etc"

These are all classic lines of a player/Boderline/Sociopath/Narcissist, he will say these words to each woman he has stringing along,he will have chased and baited each woman for a long time, waiting patiently until he knows their wek points, their vulnerable traits, and that they are hooked, and then he will go in for the kill. In the beginning he actually believes all those words because he/she is obsessed with the new interest.

Each of those womane/men will believe and try to hang on to the belief that they are the most important one, the most exciting , attractive, the best in bed, whatever their best asset happens to be.

After a while, usually after the first sexual meeting, those words will be contradicted here and there and that is when you start to feel confused, but you pass it off because you are so hooked by then that you will not want to believe you have been conned.

This is also when the back and forth behaviour starts, as well as the mind games and tests.

It is all carefully mastered to manipulate you, confuse you, it makes you fall deeper, your defense machanism kicks in, and also your natural human response to 'I can't lose him now, I love him too much'

You begin to think 'maybe he/she is being like this because they are scared of their feelings, maybe this, maybe that, anything to stop you thinking you have been fooled and are only one of many.

You make up excuses for them to make yourself feel better/your gut instinct tells you that something is not right, and you desperately try to hang on because it felt so good, you believed every single word they told you and you really wanted all of it to be true, in fact, it was all so strongly convincing thet it HAD to be true, it couldn't have been anything else.

These people are such good actors, they could win an Oscar for there performances.

You see, I am getting good at trying to convince myself what a sad, bad person he is, BUT I LOVE HIM!

I've asked myself, do I really need him? the answer is NO,I don't not really, I don't need validating, reassuring, any of that.

When I really think about it, it is HIM who needs me, it is HIM who is insecure.

I think it is so sad that there are people out there who don't know what it feels like to really love, to only knnow what it feels like to be empty, to be able to smirk when they think they've won you over, people who are so dependent on others to validate them that they are petrified of being alone.

Of all the words he ever said to me, the worst one is

"I can be myself when I'm with you" probably the biggest lie of them all.

Sadly these people can never be themselves with anyone, they mirror themselves with whoever they attach, they give you a perfect mirror of yourself, they study you and then turn themselves into you purposely so that you will connect with them. Once they have connected they then start to slip.

That is why when he is with you, you feel he really means what he says, mine even has the same facial expressions as I do, he copies me even down to the way I sit or stand, or tilt my head!!!

Those things usually only happen after being with a person for a long time, but they study, learn your mannerisms, everything about you before they get together with you.

I have to say, they are clever, but not clever enough to keep it all up for too long.

I knew mine was up to no good when he started to use different words in his texts to me,just th4ee odd word here and there, but they were new, and the words he used, sure enough were words this other woman used frequently, when you actually stop and watch, and listen, you can see it as clear as a bell.

You don't really need a detective, they give it all away themselves!!!!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

I have heard all of those lines at some point too. I have convinced myself that he meant some of it and that I am the best at something for him to stick around. I know how he lies, how he isn't really feeling these things but I also feel that I love him and cant walk away. You almost think by figuring him out you can help him to learn how to love or you can be the one to "fix" it. he as even said to me, "I am who I am and I am not going to change now" He has also said," I don't feel sad(about not seeing his family) I guess that is not normal but I just don't feel things the same way as other people do"

The studying and mirroring has become crystal clear to me. I noticed how much he knows about me and how much I didnt know about him. I started to ask more questions about him and he was very reluctant to talk about himself. I barely got anything out of him. He has asked me so much about my past, things I like, etc. He always seems to drink the same things I choose, eat the same things, likes the same music. He is always pointing out things I like. He always says I know him so well.

He has been really interested in where I am going all of the time now. Is always checking what time and where I will be.

I also noticed small things like new words or sayings or a new song he references. I see him trying to make these connections with another woman now. She is falling for it. I see all of the signs.

Ataloss, do you have children too? Does he? How do they factor in- in your situation?

I really appreciate all of your posts. They help a lot. I know I am not alone.


Ataloss 4 years ago

The new song thing hit me as well, we had all our own songs together, every now and then when listening to the radio, he would say listen to what's playing and then wink at me ( not one of our songs, obviously hers)It hurts so damn much, but you still pass it off so that you don't hurt any more inside, becausse time together is precious and you don't want to waste it wiht questions or fighting.

The mirroring,,,,,everyone we mutually knew would say to me " you two are a 'perfect for each other' couple, you are both so alike" that is because they would have seen those invented similarities as well!

To be honest he doesn't really ask me a lot about my past, I am the talkative one, he does all the listening and takes it all in.

He does want to know every day where I am, what I'm doing, I thought it was cute at first, now it gets on my nerves!

What right does he have to know where I am?

I just can not think of him being simply at home or at work, I can only think of him being with another woman if he is not with me. All those gut instincts, things you see and hear, all add up to this in the end.

You have someone you will never be able to trust, and even if on the odd time he is telling the truth, you never know. It becomes so that there is never any truth when you've been lied to so much.

Yes both of us have older children, old enough to be getting on with their own interests, mine are not dependent on me, I sometimes wish they were, maybe I would have snapped out of this for their sakes.

I often ask myself why I didn't walk away from him in the beginning. The chemistry was like lightning between us. Reading these sites is like reading about OUR story.

But I can't say I wish had, I loved him, I still love him but I know what I'm up against now.

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last two years, but I don't regret it, I am learning from it every day. The only thing I do regret is putting him first above everyone and everything else in my life.

I was so blinded by those love feelings that I dind't even consider other things. I do now, I go about my social life again, I get on with things at home, which I admit, I neglected, not now. I plan ahead with other things, I'm getting myself back together (I had lost too much weight and was looking ill) I'm starting to look good again, and feel better again.

It is helping, if he contacts me he does, I'm not waiting for my phone to buzz anymore, because I know now that it is him who can't do wihtout me, not fully, but slowly and bit by bit, I can do without him.

He has come back full on again right now, but I know it's only to make sure I haven't left him, the promises for special time again, he wants to see me again, a lot. I know it will die down soon, but each time this happens, I get stronger rather than weaker, and so on and on it goes until I finally snap!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

We shared songs too. It was so odd sometimes when we would hear a song that I really liked and shared with him. He would say, "Oooh I really like this song"- like he had totally forgotten that I shared it with him! He always thought if I was playing a song that I intentionally played it for the lyrics. Like it meant something. Once she was playing music and a song came on that we shared. It was an old song and not one that was currently popular. It hurt me so badly because I know the only reason she was playing it was because he shared it with her too.

I can't be away from him without thoughts flooding my head about who he is with and where they are going. It is so hard to get him to go anywhere and so I always wonder if he brings the other women places that are nicer or more interesting or even worse-the same exact places that we go!

I have tried to do more socially to try and forget about him and stop waiting for contact. It does help but he always manages to contact me and say something that makes me think all night about. It ruins everything. I have been trying to get back to my life and do my everyday things. I neglected them too. When I am not around, he asks me what I do all day. He can not understand that I actually have errands to run, house to keep, and appts. He seems surprised that I can actually carry on with my life without having to see him.

I also had the weight loss. It is so strange that I also got that it was showing in my face. I did lose way too much weight. But when I am stressed and upset- I dont eat. It was all because of him and he should have known that. I have gained back some weight and he is so happy about it. He prefers a curvy woman. Great.

I wait for the buzz of my phone too. It comes early in the morning and late at night. I hardly sleep because I worry about missing it. I am a person who loved to sleep. Now, I never sleep. One morning while I was away, I actually slept in. He made a comment about me not answering until late. It felt good.

I am trying to figure out now when he is nice and talkative, is it because he was with her and feels he needs to overcompensate or if it is because he is worried I may be backing away? Or when he is cold and quiet, is it because he was with her and doesnt want to answer any questions? I know it is a waste of time trying to figure it out. But I do look for patterns. He gives a lot away based on his patterns.

I know when he is alone, I get lots of contact. Wordy and flirty emails. I know when she is there or coming, the emails get short-one word answers. And sometimes, he uses an old email to reply with- one that has a generic comment. I know when he has lunch or a break and when he is around or when he is possibly with her. I know his schedule but notice right away when it changes. I know which days I will get happy, and talkative guy and which days I will get hardly anything.

I have resorted to being happy and compliant and sweet when we are together since I know the time is precious. But every once in a while, I cant help myself. I have to question him and be bitchy. I want him to wonder what I know- just to keep him on his toes. I think it is better when he is clever and crafty and keeps things concealed. It is so much harder when it is in my face and he is sloppy with the details. I do not want to know or see it.

The last time we made love, I thought about telling him right after that I was done. Imagine the shock he would have had! But of course, I couldnt do it. Instead I am always waiting and hoping.


Cinderin 4 years ago

Three years ago I left my sociopath husband. Unfornately I did not know that he was a sociopath. I ended up letting my then, 13 year old son with Asperger's Syndrome remain with Dad. Big mistake. Hub refused to provide the boy with medications that are essential for him. Failed to send him to school for more than 90 days in a 2 year period. Blames me for everything...what else is new? Our son became suicidal in May of last year. I had to hire an attorney to regain custody of my son. We entered a mediated agreement, then he refused to sign the agreement. More money spent in court. He tells anyone who listens to him that I am crazy, that I have been diagnosed with a serious personality disorder etc...

Life with him was always a step away from divorce. His constant verbal abuse of me was so painful. I made the decision to get the heck out of there when he began verbally abusing me to our two boys. i would come home from work to the three of them sitting at the dinner table, when one son would say "mommy's a pig", or "mommy isn't doing her job". He would of course deny saying these things, but the boys would look at him and say "yes you did". Everything was always my fault, and I mean everything. He took responsibility for nothing in life at all. If he didn't have a clean work shirt it was my fault, if we were out of soft drinks, it was my fault, if the kids got sick, it was my fault. Heck, if he got sick it was my fault. Now that he is remarried I get emails telling me how mentally ill I am, how I cheated on him during our marriage (I never did) and refused to participate in his life. Really? This is the man that I never got a mother's day card from because guess what? I wasn't his mother ! I never got a Christmas present from, or a Valentine's gift either. He refused to go on a vacation unless it was to visit his family. He cancelled trips at the last minute on those rare occasions that we did make plans. This man could not make a decision to save his life.

When we met I found him interesting and attractive. He told funny stories, and seemed well adjusted. Friends wold say "It must be so much fun to married to such a funny guy". Little did they know. About 8 months after we got married he turned into someone totally different. He would just blow up for no reason, or any reason. I always felt as though I was walking on eggshells. I tried to make things better, but no matter what I tried things only got worse. He would always accuse me of failing to tell him something, that of course I had told him several times. I would then be told that I was crazy, and just thought that I had told him something. When things were at their worst I would hear things like he said to me when trying to plan a summer vacation "why would I want to waste my vacation going to see your family", or "what am I going to do there". Getting away from him was the best thing I ever did for me. He still tries to drag me into his web of lies with his new wife. It easier to blame the ex wife I suppose than to take responsibility for your own actions. He is now in violation of our mediated agreement and will be going to court in the very near future to explaine to a judge why the rules only apply to me and not to him. Wish me luck with my Permanent Orders hearing and God, Please protect my children from this man who is doing his very best to Alienate them from me.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

This new article was just published. It offers insight to help gain self-esteem and break free of harmful relationships.

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Abuse-and-Low-Se...


Absolutely 4 years ago

Thank you Sylvia. The article is helpful. I wish it were so easy though.

I have been having a weird couple of days with him this week. He has been very chatty and connected but ever so often in the conversation will back off and get cold. We have seen each other twice and he is up and down with the closeness there too. Yesterday, we started to get physical and for me it was not as hot as it usually is. Maybe it is because I don't trust him, or maybe it is him. I can't tell anymore.

I actually saw him last night because things sort of worked out that way but he was off. Maybe he was just tired but definitely not himself.

Today, I got lots of talk but again I feel like when we see each other I will be getting the cold shoulder. I must be on the downswing these days. It is coming up on a year next week. I am sure he won't care at all.

I have no doubt that this past weekend he met her somewhere. There were printed out directions in his car. I am sure it was far away from here and somewhere no one would know them. I made a reference to it and he quickly dismissed it but I saw some wavering. He even said that he can go out with friends to eat or drink without it being more than that. Right.

I am in this holding pattern it seems. I feel like I should just go. I wonder all of the times what would happen if I ended it for good. I can move on. I know I can. But there is this weird power he has that keeps me there.

I am so confused and tired and alone. I wish he could be normal and just hold me and make me feel good. But that never happens.


Chatkath profile image

Chatkath 4 years ago from California

Silva this hub is fabulous, if the comments are any indication, it seems that more and more victims are willing to talk about their experiences, hopefully encouraging other potential victims to steer clear of this type of a relationship. Thank you for providing this service, I will insert a link from self esteem hub as they are closely related.

Maybe if we can put as much energy into building our self esteem as the sociopath puts into trapping their next victim we will reduce the damages.

Thanks for sharing this!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thanks so much for your visit and comments, Chatkath. My heart hurts for these victims yet I am pleased that so many people are willing to share their experiences; hopefully their openness will help others to steer clear of these damaging relationships.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Well, he is always keeping me on my toes. He was with me physically today. I think only because the circumstances didnt allow for him to be with her. But boy was it a disappointment. He doesnt feel any pleasure. I wonder why he even wants to be with a woman sexually. It seems to provide no pleasure for him. For me, he manages to make me feel sort of good. But it isn't great and worse because he isnt getting anything from it.

I don't even know if I am enjoying this anymore. I feel more and more like leaving but there is something keeping me there.

Then, to make matters worse, I left but only temporarily and he thought I was gone for the day I think. Well, I wasnt. I came back to see him in his office and he was writing her an email! And in his inbox was dozens of emails from her. Even if they are friendly, it doesnt explain the need for dozens of emails considering they had just seen each other 2 hours earlier. WTF?

It makes me feel awful. It brings back all of the lies and deceit. So, even though I had his attention today, it was all destroyed by that moment.

Need to get stronger. Need to feel that I am worth way more than this. I am going to try to work on myself, so that I can have the strength to say no.


nobodypath 4 years ago

you are only to blame yourself. calling some ex-boyfriend names is like throwing stones at the barking dogs. wake up.


Ataloss 4 years ago

I feel I have to write in today because I have looked into those other sites, self esteem, etc, etc.

I have always known I am a very self assertive and confident woman. That is why I am in a job which I love, and which is perfect for my own personality, and I must say I know I do it well.

I'm sure that anyone reaading this hub will ask tehmselves, or even shout out loud "what the hell are you doing? just tell him/her to do a hike, and then walk away!!"

I am also very certain that all the people who write on this hub know that they need to do this, I know I do!!

What anyone who is not involved with this disordered person does not realise just how deep the manipulation, charm, and mind games can get rooted inside you.

That is why they home in on the vulnerable. They have a deep seated awareness of those people (usually very outwardly confident)They can feel something missing in that person. They pick up very cunningly,celverly and perfectly that their victim has an inner need for something. Whether it be affection,kind words, someone to hold them, tender kisses, whatever it is they will pick up on it and use it to gain that trust, attention, and ego stroke.

I have been in a long marriage from a very young age, to a controlling, jealous, manipulating man. I stayed with him because he has made me feel beholden to him. Like I say, I was very young. There has always been something missing from my marriage, I never knew what it was, I was so busy taking care of my children as well as working, that I just got on with it and put up with it.

It took me a lot of years to realise that actually, there was never any real intimacy between us, he was only happy if there was lots of sex. From a very young age he had a thing about porn, he wanted to use it along with other things in our sex life. I was naive, I didnt feel right about any of it, and the more I gave in to it the more degrading he wanted it.

If I said no, the silent treatment and sulks and belittlement would be my punishement.

It took me years to realise that intimacy did not feel the same as the sex we were having, and I eventually told him, if he wanted me to stay, and this was the kind of sex he wanted, then he could hire a prostitute, because that was what he made me feel like.

Then along came the man of my dreams, the love of my life.

I was attracted to him by the way he touched me casually, he felt tender, he laughed at the things I did, we talked about the same things, ate the same things.

I had never had any of that in my life before, if I laughed at home, I would be smirked at like I was stupid or from a different planet.

This other man was obsessed with me, he spoke tenderly to me, he made me feel desired just for me!!

I never discussed my private deatils with him, but he obviously picked up from somewhere that I needed real intimacy, and he was right on all counts.

I knew I should not get involved becasue of my vows, but by then I was at a point where I felt I could carry on at home just the same, as long as he got on with the things he wanted to do.

This new man took over my whole complete being. I longed to be near him, I only felt happy when I was with him.

I was so blind to the fact that most of the time he was also playing games with me, he was so different from the one I had grown up with.

I can honestly say that I would never , ever have believed he could be playing me, seeing someone else as well, or even would be able to think of doing that to me.

I know he lies to me, I know he contradicts things all the time, but because he has problems in the sexual department, even that didn't bother me. He always said I don't just want you for sex, I just need to be with you.

My God perfect!! just what I had needed all those years!!

I can't just walk away because he represents all the things I have missed, yearned for, and needed all those years.

I have never loved anyone the way I love him, probably because I have never known anything else.

I can read him like a book, I know his back and forth cycles, even when speaking on the phone I can read his speech connotations, and can tell when he is lying to me, but I am also very aware that he needs me too.

I wish I could walk away from him, I have tried, I have coem to the point where I thought,,,if you dont text today that will be it, I've had enough, but of course he is very clever, when he does text, his words are just the right ones, the ones he knows will reel me in.

And even though I know what he is doing to me, I hang on to it becasue it feels better and more loving than what I have otherwise.

I am a confident assertive woman in every way except where this man is concerned.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am so sorry. It would be wonderful if he was for real. Knowing that he lies to you and manipulates you must be devastating. You are involved with two men, neither of whom is sincerely caring and honest and kind. Controlling, jealous, manipulative husband, and lying, manipulative lover. I wish you could get away for a while, even an entire year, to be alone and heal and think about what you want.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I can completely relate to everything you have said ataloss. We both know what we should do but both have been so deeply manipulated and charmed that we can't see clearly.

He has been sensing that I have been sort of different. I have been more cautious, questioning a lot more, and feeling that I don't NEED him as much. He has been more communicative, more flirty, and nicer than I ever had before.

Yesterday, he made a choice and it hurt me. He apologized for his behavior- which is NOT like him at all. I think he was afraid that this was the last straw. He has been more sensitive to my feelings but I think only because he knows I am on the edge. She came in early to spend time with him before work started and I happened to come in early too. He was caught. He didn't know what to do.

Today, I got to spend time with him. Circumstances did not give us the privacy we needed to be intimate but he managed to sneak in a few kisses and touches. He tried hard to make me feel some intimacy. But then he ran off to contact her since he didnt have the chance to chat with her this morning since he was with me. I made a joke about it. He was guilty and laughed it off like it was funny.

I feel like since we did not have the chance to be intimate, he will probably start talking to her all intimately and be with her.

I can't walk away. I need his attention. I need his touch. He makes me happy and the time we share is really nice. It is the time we dont share that hurts me the most. I have the rest of the weekend now to think about it and that's when I feel abandoned and feel like I could walk away.

He made so many promises and assertions that he was being true to me. That I was the only one. I believed him. What a fool I feel like.

He knows I am questioning him all of the time. He has been making a greater effort to make me feel good and not make me feel like less than a priority. This only keeps me in the game longer. He now knows I am hopelessly in love with him and wont leave. I have been presented with too much evidence and he knows it. But he knows I am still there. I will always be there waiting for him and his time and love.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I have spent hours today thinking and crying. I am like an addict. I know what I need to do but I can't do it. I am so easily lured back. Always thinking about our next meeting.

I know I am smart, pretty, talented and strong but with this situation, I have been stripped of all of my self esteem. I CAN be with other men. I actually had offers but can't do that to HIM. Imagine that! He makes me promise to be good. He makes me feel awful about talking to other men. I would never because I DONT want to hurt him. I don't want to break our trust. I have this allegiance to him that I take seriously but have no idea why.

He told me all the right things today. To make me happy. But it is so hard to believe a thing I hear anymore. I do let him know I am on to him now. I'll make a joke that questions a lie or a statement or something that happened to let him know I am very perceptive. Like I will say something when he leaves to go to his office such as did you send me an email too? Implying that he just went to send her one. And I am certain he did. Or, did you have your coffee today? Meaning that he is with her having coffee in the morning- which he does. Or a simple, how was lunch today? Because he went with her. All little things that someone who is innocent wouldnt even notice but someone who is guilty understands. That's when I get the jokes, the lying by omission, a very nice a chatty version of him.

I am crying because I am so caught up and see no end in sight. No hope. This love isn't real. My life is a mess. I am longing for the love and attention that he has shown me but I know is not real. But yet that little bit that he shows me keeps me around. I like the time we share. But to know it is all based on a lie is heartbreaking.


Ataloss 4 years ago

You are not alone in this, I am having exactly the same thing and I'm sure so are thousands of others.

He does not work with me, I have to ask his schedules for the week ahead, if he gives them to me he ends with 'they may change' and they usually do!

If I suggest seeing him on his days off he then says, that would have been nice but my wife is home that day, 'a few days later after letting me think we would be getting together'.

Just games games games.

He put me on the back burner for a few months with only then odd text for communication, and only came back full on again recently after I questioned him, and said I didn't see any point to it all, he was palying games with me and treating me with disrespect.

Since then I am the love of his life again, he has asked to see me regularly, talk on the phone, etc, but I know deep down that it's only because he doesn't want to lose me as supply for his ego!

When I ask him why he wants me he repiles with well with YOU it's because,etc, etc,,,,,,,,,,with ME??

I feel like saying "and what is it with her, and her?"

I just don't know if it's all because he is totally thick and thoughtless or what, but I do know that he slips up, mixes me up with someone else a lot, since I pointed it out he is more careful, but that doesn't stop me feeling the way I do.

I go from feeling I'm being paranoid one day to thinking, that text wasn't meant for me the next day.

He even had different faciacl expressions the last time I was with him, I actually felt like I was sat watching her for God's sake!!

Am I going mad or what!!

You are right,it is heartbreaking. I have told myself now to treat him like a friend,except you know what, I wouldn't ever have accepted this behaviour from a friend!! I now give him back exactly the same as he gives me, nothing more.

I can't go on like this pandering to his every whim and being there when it suits him.

He is totally oblivious to the fact that I have a family, home, job, etc.

I have false promises of special time together, but it's only " we need more than a couple of hours together" never any actual planned time, he just keeps saying the same things over and over with no real substance.

I have spent at least the last six months hurting, crying, not sleeping, or eating that it exhausted me.

I think I'm coming out of the woods now, because now, it is beginning to get on my nerves, he is beginning to get on my nerves, every thing he says to me and even the way he kisses me is getting on my damn nerves!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

My god it really sounds like you are living my life. He also put me in a holding pattern for a few months. This was after I confronted him about the other woman. He only just recently started in full on with me again.

He makes promises to me all of the time- for a full year- that we will have time away somewhere perfect. All BS. He has told me he cant do it because what would he tell his wife but he has no problem staying out drinking all night or calling me up for a booty call on the weekend. Always when it suits him.

I am always there for when he is ready for ME. It can never and is never the other way around. I am always paranoid. I am always thinking the worst.

I would never accept this behavior from a friend either but with him I do. I accept much worse. I feel so badly for the other woman too. I mean, we are not speaking, and it is because of him. He has made me hate her. He has told me lies about her, about things she has done or said. I am sure of this. It is not right. I wish I could talk to her again. She is one of the only people in the world who truly knows what I am going through. And yet, he has made sure that we do not ever speak. I even threatened to confront her in front of him. You could see he was freaking out. Imagine that scenario!

THe emails annoy me now. His words annoy me too. I am seeing more and more lies every day. He even referred to my husbands name as her husbands name and tried to play it off! Then he mumbled- I can see how that could be a problem!

He knows I know. But he also knows that I am going along with it. He knows I am addicted. As long as he has me where he wants me, I am doomed.

I am still lost in the woods and don't really want to be there anymore. I used to like being there with him but now I would prefer much more than that.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Absolutely and Ataloss, I sense that you both are nearing the end of your entanglement with these damaging people. It is truly amazing that your stories run parallel. Good luck and a new strength of purpose to you both.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Well, today he started early and we had an email exchange. I had asked him If a joke he had made was for me only. I got no response. So, when I saw him later, he acted like he didn't even know what joke I was referring to. I think he was afraid he was going to say the wrong thing. Perhaps a joke he had with her. I had to tell it to him and even then it was like he couldn't remember saying it. How odd.

He could sense I was feeling unsettled. When I am, I get quiet and act differently. That's when he turns up the charm and washes it all away.

She hung around this afternoon to see him. She even made sure I saw her waiting and where her car was. Good for her. I don't care what she gets anymore. Because I know what the prize is! Haha.

He prepped me for no contact. Had some lie of an excuse that he couldn't call!

Tomorrow I see him. I have no idea what to expect anymore. I think it all depends on what happens with her before I even get there. I am tempted so say that this isn't working anymore. I have been waiting a year for some real time in a real place but it never comes and never will. Until that happens, I should say I am done. But then I face him and he makes me feel good and washes it all away.

I deserve more than this. I wanted to just cry in front of him today but I kept it together. It's all I can do for now.


absolutely 4 years ago

not feeling badly for the other woman anymore. She is so underhanded. She has never been truthful to me about their relationship and now has eavesdropped on a conversation and passed it along to make me look bad to him. Meanwhile, it wasn't even accurate. I believe she has also lead him to believe that I am with another man! Lies. I wonder if she is a sociopath too or just trying whatever she can to get him out of my life.

Well, it isnt working. We are closer than ever! He is talking to more openly and making lots of promises that he will not lie and will be completely honest with me. He has sworn that he will let me know if he is with anyone else even if it hurts me. I know this could be all BS but he is trying and has been way better with communication and being physically with me a lot more.

I even got a promise to go away together for some real time. He is serious and we even looked into it. So, I am feeling a lot better. I know this all can be part of the game but he is making me feel good. He is making an effort to avoid making me feel inferior and he is making the time now.

He has even been more forthcoming with his schedules. We are so much more connected now than ever. The words are just right but now even the touches are too. It all seems so different. Maybe something changed in his life to make him more connected? The jealousy has increased though but it could be her doing? Maybe they are done and thats why she did that and why he is there for me now?

We have mended a lot of the problems we had but I take it all very cautiously because it can all change in a heartbeat.


Ataloss 4 years ago

You sound exactly like me, analysing every little thing, every thing he says and does.

Mine too came on to me fully when I told him I had proof, he blatantly denied it for months, told me all I wanted to hear to keep me tere hanging. Even as he was saying it I knew he was lying. As soon as he knew I was back under his influence, he backed off again, then I questioned him, he came back full on, then back to the 'pull back' again.

At the moment he is full on, wanting to talk as much as possible on the phone, texting a lot, asking to see me more, talking of having some special time, BUT only saying he will, not making those plans!!

This is never going to change, I'm sure the other woman must have had, or at least is now having all the same treatment, either in cycles or maybe both of us at the same time.

I think when he is all for her, I get the games and vague contact, now he is full on with me, it will probably be her who is getting the negative signs, maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

I will see over the next couple of weeks how things go, if we don't get together properly, then that will be it for me.

I can't go on like this, all those good feelings are fading further into the past.

The last time he was wanting my full attention like this was the time I noticed he was watching her, and when he proabably started seeing her. It's almost as though he feels it helps hide his guilt if he talks to me more!!

I definitely think he is suffering from the

Madonna /whore complex, I think he is enjoying thinking about sex with me, but can't actually do it physically.

He has told me recently he thinks of me as 'pure' a goddess, absolutely perfect in every way, and I actually do believe that he really believes he loves me.I can't explain how, I just feel that he does.

Through all of the confusion, games, lies, contradictions, I have always felt that he really means he loves me (as near to real love as he can get)

I dont think he is just a player as such, I really do believe he has Borderline disorder, and that would explain his inability to sustain an erection with me.

In one way it's good that he doesnt see me as a whore as such, but then if I'm right, this is never going to get any better. Nothing will change him over night, in a week, in months, probably not ever.

He says he thinks of me sexually, very much, everything about me is sexy, stunning, he places me on a pedestal even, but that does not help in the long run, knowing he will lose it as soon as he tries.

Just recently, he lost his erection as soon as I touched him, that never happened before, so the problem is getting deeper.

If this keeps happening then there will be no point.

I don't want to discard him simply becasue he can't make love to me, that is not all I want from him, but on the other hand, there does have to be some physical input, otherwise we are NOT lovers are we!

He doesn't seem to understand this, he seems to think I should be happy with all this love talk and false promises.

I can only speak for myself and my own situation, but I can say with my heand on my heart, I would never have considered getting involved with another man had there not been things missing in my marriage.

Yes, I needed love, affection, tenderness, closeness, intimacy which felt real, all those things and more.

I also needed sex which felt intimate rather than dirty, loving rather than one sided.

I needed to make love rather than just have sex.

I have the other end of it now, feeling rejected sexually.

It is very difficult to understand how I am supposed to feel about it.

All I know is that I feel in limbo all the time, my head swimming with questions, doubts, suspicion, fear that I am being taken for a fool,then hope, that he is not lying to me on mosst things he says and love which I feel so deeply for this man.

I don't know which feels worse, feeling degraded, or feeling rejected.

I'm sure I'll make my mind up on that before long.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I think that when mine is full on it is because he is full on with her too! But I think it is when I am questioning too. He is worried I will find out, follow them, or feels guilty.

I don't think he cycles between us. I did before but now I don't. The patterns dont show that. Although, this latest act on her part, made me think that she might be on the outs. But who knows.

He has made plenty of promises before but lately he has been acting on them. Not like him at all. Maybe I was really close in his mind to figuring it all out that he is scared and upping things. Every day I see him now, he makes a move to be with me. Whether it be lunch, after work, intimately, not intimately but talking on the phone, emailing. It is so different. Even today, the intimacy level was so high. It was soft, gentle, hot, and sweet. He never kissed me that way before. He still seems to have some trouble feeling pleasure but never a problem with the erection. He has told me it has to be more than sexual. He needs more of a connection. He said he wouldnt be with me for just that. I do believe that entirely. Because when we were apart and our trust was broken and we were fighting and things were strained, he could not get an erection. He needs that connection.

I wish the sex was more passionate and fulfilling but as long as he makes me feel loved and wanted, I can enjoy it. He knows how to pleasure me and that is working for me. He doesnt even ask me to pleasure him as much. It is like that article said, he wants to own my orgasms. He pleasures me to make me feel that he is the best. We have had moments of brilliance. I have brought out the pleasure in him. He is capable. I have seen it. But the circumstances have to be just right. He can do it and last a long time but it is not on a regular basis.

He tells me all of the time I am a good girl. Not sure what that means. He knows I havent been with many men and this was a huge step for me. I never, ever thought I would ever cheat on my husband. NEVER. But, like you ataloss, I needed something. This intimacy was missing from my marriage. I havent had sex with my husband in over a year. He doesnt talk to me much. Except to tell me what to do around the house, or with the kids. He has no interest in my hobbies or life. We are two ships passing in the night. I would leave it all for him but I worry about that because I know how he is really.

The things that upset me most about finding out about the other woman, were that I was being rejected, not being good enough, then health things, and also that I could lose the one thing that has made me happy and fall in love with.

I am with you ataloss. I am at a loss for what to do, think or feel. I want to believe but how can I?


Absolutely 4 years ago

This weekend we were all working together. Needless to say, my doubts were raised again. He spent an usually large amount of time with her and when i called him on it, he got defensive and also found something to blame me for. He then, made a point to give me more time. I think even delaying or canceling plans with her since I asked him point blank if they were going out after.

Feeling these doubts all of the time, thinking he is lying to me all of the time is so hard. I want to believe him when he says no. But the signs are so obvious. And he is doing all the same things to yet a third woman. This third woman is her friend. She was so convinced that they dont email each other every day- they do. He did it in front of me yesterday.

Then because he was feeling guilty, went with me briefly after work for some alone time. But i got the feeling he was going to see her after. And even though we were together physically he had an experience that after doing some reading, may indicate overuse! I am so confused.

He was so disconnected last night. The least passion ever. It made me think, why am i doing this? I asked him to give me time to talk to him this week in an email. I think I am going to ask him point blank about his sexual issues and if he even wants to do this anymore. I am also going to say I think we need a break. Until he can give me real time, and make me feel like the only one, give me the sense he wants to be there- I think we need to put this on hold.

The jealousy has now reached an all time high. Is he projecting? He is constantly questioning me now. I have never, ever been with another man. I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years. He is the one and only man I have strayed with.

I had a crisis yesterday and his first reaction was to get upset with me. Then he was there for me later but distracted. I think i foiled his plan for the evening or made him have to change it arising suspicion.

I am so sick to my stomach. I have stopped eating again. Why dont I see clearly and have the strength to walk. Why does he have the power to lie so effectively and make me believe him. I can be so clear that he is no good but then he talks to me, touches my face so tenderly, and I cant see a thing. Too many tears.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I repeat, from 1 Corinthians:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I am not religious, yet this passage from the Bible speaks to me. Try repeating it and studying it and applying it to the way you are treated and the way you treat others. I find it gives me some insight in both areas.

This relationship is making you sick, you are unable to eat. I hope you find the strength to make the right choice, for yourself.


Ataloss 4 years ago

A third one you say?

Everything I read about Narcissistic? sociopathic traits and cycles are clear about the facts that, these people, married or not, will have one woman he is bored with but keeps in the background(abandoned) in case the others don't work out, one woman who he is PLAYING at the moment with all the right words to get her and keep her hooked, and then another woman who he is grooming in preparation for him to move in on.

He will probably have an obsession fro the one he is grooming, and the previous women, when watching closely, will actually see all those signs, he will have a pattern which he uses every time. He will use the same routine and the same words and moves on his next victim.

There will usually be three, in this cycle, and probably others on the back burner, ones he has had in the past and abandoned until he needs them.

Which are you willing to be? abandoned and kept hanging,,,,, Played at the moment to get and keep you hooked, or,,,, groomed for future use??

I say I dont want to be any of those and have made my move to stop it.

It has made me ill, I have never hurt like this in my life, but it was not real, I have had to wait for every single emotion to pass through me, I have had to wait until I looked in the mirror and saw myself getting old, getting too thin, getting too supressed, my bubbly personality was disappearing, and I wasn't thinking about me, I was thinking about HIM constantly.

But hey guess what! he wasn't thinking about me was he.

Beware though, if you back off he will come chasing you, I have had it over and over again and been convinced I have been wrong, that he really must love me to put on such a show.

I wasn't wrong at all, I have always known what I was allowing him to do to me, and I was always too wrapped up in him to let him do it.

Something just snapped in me recently.

Today I have had a lovely day, I have been able to get on with things that I had neglected, yes he is on my mind, but I don't long for him any more and that is a starting point for me.

You are seeing the signs Absolutley, you know he is doing this to you, you,like me, want so much for it not to be true, but your eyes,and your gut instinct very rarely lie to you, and you also have the proof you needed.

You have all these feelings for someone who gives you NOTHING good, only bad feelings, doubt, suspicion, uncertainy, lies, he is cruel enough to flaunt others in your view, he cares NOTHING for you or your feelings, he is laughing at you to himself, and very probably to the other women, who will also be questioning him, I'm sure of that.

I know I've had the same from mine, I allowed it, but now I have to move on, I'm worth more.

I hope you can too, it is hard, I think of him every minute, but I have to tell myself, it isn't love he offers me, it is atention he secures for himelf.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss,

did your man ever get crazy jealous? accusing you of being with another man? THis is happening to me now! It was to the point of him abandoning me completely. I guess I should have taken the way out. But I didn't. I cried, I was furious, I was shell shocked. I couldn't believe it. Perhaps this was the way for him to get out. But I threatened to go for good. And I got a smile here and there. I had to make promises. I had to apologize up and down. What is wrong with me?

I feel like I am so stupid. I am in love with someone who is now finding reasons to fight with me, accuse me, and make me only give up more of myself to make him happy.

We saw each other today. I don't think it was intentional but it happened. He says its because he felt I was with another man and I think he was coming for another reason and was shocked to see me and had to go on the offensive. Or perhaps was with her earlier and had to make it so awful that I wouldnt go anywhere near him.

I am so invested, so in love, and so blind, I can't even think straight. I know I hate being accused of something that is so far from the truth. But at the same time, as he says, I am just as bad for always accusing him. I can jump up and down swearing I have not done anything wrong(I have not), and you cant make someone believe you. I guess when trust has been broken, it is so hard to ever get it back.

I can't eat or sleep again. I am so torn. I always feel like I am the joke to him and the other women. When he is with them, I feel like he has said the most horrible things to them about me. Like they all think I am stalking him, lying about it all, and he now pretends to be very stoic with me when they are around.

I know they have questioned him too. That's why I dont get emails or I get ones that are very short or generic. I get the brush off when they are in the room. I see him grooming the new one. She brings him food now, his favorites, wears the colors he suggests, clothing he likes, texts a lot now, and comes in during odd times. I see exactly the same things that happened to the Other woman, and to me. It is all the same. And the mirroring is becoming more apparent.

I know I deserve more. I know this is not right. But that small part of me holds on to the promises that he will be true, he will tell me, he isnt like that anymore, that it is me because I dont trust enough, wouldnt believe it even if it were true.

I am in such a bad place. I hope I follow your path ataloss ans begin to see the light.


Ataloss 4 years ago

NO he never accused me but he would make remarks about other men watching me constantly (it was him watching women constantly)

He would go through my phone to see who else I texted

(he texted other women all the time)

It is called 'projection' they accuse and blame YOU of the things they are doing themsleves. Always use this to your advantage. If he accuses you of something it is sure bet he is doing that himself!

Just like mine used to say " I don't see you enough, YOU are always busy) It was always him who made excuses, and him who was always busy!

It is BIG manipulation and a massive controlling game for them.

He made you cry, reduced you to a wreck, and he turned the tables on you.

Don't you see? He has done it intentionally, you have now stopped questioning him, and you are now confused, frustrated, and thinking of how YOU can prover yourself.

This jerk knows he has you hooked, he knows you won't batray him with another man.

When he accuses you of anything bad, listen to it more rationally, he is 'leaking' his own guilt.

They do all those bad things themselves, but they are also so paranaoid that they will have the same things done back to them!!

For me it has got to the point where I can read him like a book now, mine is really pulling out all the stops, that is becasue he can feel that I am losing interest.

In reality, I am back where I was before, he is texting and asking to speak to me constantly, he keeps saying I really need to see you, but he is NOT making a date!!

Both times he did this before, I thought, well he really means it, he is being really attentive and obsessive, BUT those were the times that, when I looked closer, he was moving in on someone else, so in effect, I know what he is doing now don't I.

This roller coaster is making you ill, this man is toxic!! You, like me, will carry on like this KNOWING he is betraying you, lying to you and using you until something clicks inside you, you can't see the wood for the trees right now.

I think you are just a little behind me in your story.

I will admit to you that I have been so deeply wrapped up in my roller coaster, that I have actually wanted to follow him, I couldn't concentrate on a single thing. Everything else in my life was at a standstill and my head would not allow anything else into it, only him and the things he was doing to me.

I know how it feels, you feel like you are going mad,yet you know you are not wrong.

He was giving me just a little bit here and there to let me think he was being honest and letting me into his life a little. If I didn't let him know where I was, he even left work early to pass me, just to check if I was actually at work.

I stopped telling him what I was doing and where I was going, he was evasive with me about his schedule and whereabouts, so I did the same, it drove him crackers.

I actualy started to play the same games as he was with me, and after a while I stood back, looked at the situation and thought "this is absolutely nuts"

He really isn't worth all this, I am not perfectly happy at home, but it is better than the turmoil this other man gives me.

You can only go on for a certain time listening but not having promises fulfilled.

You can only accept for a certain time that you are one of a few, no-one wants that.

For you he is the stronger person right now, and he will be until you look in that mirror and you really see what he is doing to you. Nothing is going to come of what you have with him, he doesn't love you, he would not even look at another woman if he did, let alone give them the same as he does with you!

I talked myself into believing that he had a 'little thing' with the other one, that when I confronted him and he came back begging and pleading that he was remorseful, sad about what he had done to me, that it WAS me who he really loved and wanted.

He even tried to suggest that he wasn't sure of me and there were some little things I had done to make him doubt ME!

It was not, and he did not, he just did not want to lose my attention!

He has been telling me I am the love of his life all week, I have some free time over the next few days, and so does he, he just text now, it says, "I thought of you all night and could not sleep, have a nice day xxx"

I am not even going to answer it, it doesn't deserve an answer.

It is, as usual ALL WORDS and no action!!

It only means, I will not be texting you again today, ME the love of his life, who he can't stop thinking about??

NO!

Not any more!!

I can't be his doormat any more, the sex was not worth it, the lies, games, and gaslighting is not worth it.

I am an attractive woman and there are men out there who match me perfectly, I haven't found him yet, I only found someone who pretended to be perfect for me!!

I am trying to think of all the pros and cons, trying to make all his good points outweigh the bad ones, but no matter how hard I try, only the baad points outweigh any good ones.

I can't remeber any good ones!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

I read this on lovefraud.com and I thought it was just right. "It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness. We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship. Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me."

I am allowing this to happen to me because I am afraid of losing the relationship for good.

I, too, have been so consumed that I did not live my life. I spent hours in the car, watching him, waiting to see where he was going, with whom, if he was at work, going home, etc.

Now, he is projecting blame on me. I actually told him that he was projecting. I said this must be because you are doing this that you are saying this to me. Wow, I should not have said that. He got so angry. I think in my heart I knew he was with her the night before or the morning I saw him. This was the reason for the outburst.

He called me this morning to talk. It was like everything was the way it was. He was being nice but then had to rush off the phone. Never says anything to indicate why he is ending the conversation but it is obvious he has somewhere to go or someone is there waiting for him.

I sometimes feel like everything is carefully crafted. The setups for arguments, the plans to meet, the calls, the emails, all part of the game. Even today, I think he knows I am not part of the game plan. SO, I get nicey nice communication in the morning but had that argument yesterday to make me not question his whereabouts today. He knows he will not see me. He also said not to expect much communication today. No surprise there.

I am always convincing myself that the good points outweigh the bad but they dont. I know I would be better off without him. But the thought of never having that again, kills me. That little tiny bit is enough to keep me there. I guess it would be easier if we didnt work together. But to have to spend time with him every day is torture.

He has asked to see texts and emails. I had no problem showing him it all. But he then would say, you deleted them. right. I asked to see his, that would never happen!

He has even made fun of the other woman to me. About how she looks(her body) how she interacts with others, and other things. But I know it is all BS. I think he probably does the same to her about me. Like by putting her down, I would believe that he wouldnt want her. But then why would he be watching her, sitting with her, going to lunch with her, if he felt that way.

Ataloss, you seem so close. So strong. I am hoping the strength comes to me too.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Feeling like I reached a point in all of this that is helping me to see clearly. He tried to force an argument and I threatened to leave for good. Of course, he backed off and just made me feel guilty.

That changed things for me. Made me see the projection clearly. Made me realize that I really dont need him and get hardly any pleasure from this situation. He has played me one two many times. I know without a doubt he was with her this weekend and today. He played the friend card today. Nice but at an arms length. God forbid I should smell her on him or he should hold true to any promises he made. I got promises of lunch or seeing me tonight after he finished work. Of course, that was totally forgotten. Like he never said it!

The last straw for me. I am not second best. I am not competing, and I am not waiting for him to come running back to me for when he wants it to be.

I was hurting badly today. Really badly emotionally. He saw it but could care less. This is when I knew I was making a huge mistake waiting for this. Waiting for nothing. I needed him the most I ever have needed him and he was not there for me.

I need more than this. I keep waiting for more and it never comes. NEVER. Promises broken, lies, projected blame, gaslighting, and so much left hanging.

I am so hurt. But I think ready to take that stand. I need my life back, my dignity. If I keep this up the way it is, I will be dead by the end of the year. I know it. I cant keep food down. I am so depressed, and my heart is broken. I have no life left and this is not the way one should live.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

As you say, this is not the way one should live. Wish you the strength and courage you need right now.


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Absolutely,

I empathize with what you are feeling and am glad things are clearing up for you.

It took me a good year to see the light when I was wrapped up with my ex-girlfriend.

You have taken the first step toward making things better for yourself.

Remember, we can't change people like this, believe me I tried almost to the point of financial, mental and physical exhaustion. Others are merely an object to be used and then cast aside.

While the days ahead may be filled with uncertaintly, remember you will get through this and life will improve once you make that leap. It took me a while personally to get over the experience, but each and everyday I find brings new promise since I walked away.

Stay strong, be safe and take care of you!

My mother has said to me on many occasions when dealing with life, "Master of my destiny, Captain of my soul".

There are still good people out there in this world, it is said that sociopaths make victims of us all when we encounter them and let them into our lives.

A better life awaits you :)


Absolutely 4 years ago

Thank you Sylvia and Miratraveller for your words.

It has been a struggle this week. I am going back and forth in my head about the choices and decisions that I have made. I am craving his touch, his words, his attention. It is so hard.

BUT it is all coming together in front of my eyes. He avoided me Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Today. I usually get all of his attention on Tuesdays. I did not this week. I couldn't understand why. But today it all became clear. He is usually with her on Thursdays. Well, on Thursday he has another commitment and will be unable to. SO, thats why. He was with her on Tuesday and today was highly probable too. He even made an attempt to change things in our schedules so that we could perhaps be together on Friday. This is his way to keep me from completely abandoning him. But it is too late. This game is toxic. I even made jokes today about all of the women he has. About the way he hides things from me and if he had nothing to hide, why all of the secrecy. He makes jokes and says it is only because I will take it all wrong. And then I got the accusations. It always gets turned back on me. I made it clear I was unhappy with the amount of time and attention I get. He told me that I need to stop with that. I need to stop working things in my head.

He has been talking to me a lot. Calling me and talking for an hour, tons of emails, and now more face to face talking. He did kiss and hug me on Tuesday and you know what that would have been great if it was for more than 2 minutes and was somewhere away from work. Anywhere. He knows I am emotionally drained right now. But that is all I get. It is just so different. Every time I want to just blurt out, I need to step aside and get on with my life since you are not giving me what I need. I have been waiting patiently for over a year now. And I see nothing changing or happening.

Because things in my home life are so unhappy, I was hoping for someone to talk to, someone who gets me(really), someone to hold, have sex with, someone that is there for me. And yet, he is not that person.

Why can't he just be there for me without playing all of the games? I wouldnt have even questioned the other women! Today he called me the name of the third woman I believe. I mean come on. WHy be so cruel?

Of course, I always hang on to hope that he will prove me wrong. Show me how he isnt all of these things. How he will be there for me, take me somewhere special, hold me, and just be honest with everything. Stop the games, the lies, and the deceit. If he would be forthcoming with info. I wouldnt be so suspicious.

But that is purely fantasy and I know now that it will not happen. Not ever.

I have to take control of my life and get my strength back, my health, my mind and somehow figure out how to mend my heart. It will never be the same but I hope it can be fixed.


Absolutely 4 years ago

It is incredible how two people can lie and cheat so easily. Thinking that they are getting away with it all. How easily they can destroy a persons life.

He has given her all of his time and attention the past few days, even staying late at work last night (and I know why).

I was cold, quiet, and disconnected today. I want him to know I know and that I am not going to sit there a minute longer and be treated like a fool.

He knew and kept asking questions, tried so hard to be cute and funny. But it wasn't enough. No more of this for me. I need more.

My heart is so broken, I am destroyed right now. She is happy and content since she is getting his attention right now but enjoy it now since it won't last. Believe me he would have taken me today if I would gave allowed it.

He has no morals. He has no feelings, he has no heart. He would fuck anything. He doesn't care. I now realize I was nothing.

So, she had him these few days. I wonder who he will have tomorrow. He is that devious.

He does little things to try and get in my head. Singing a song we share, wearing a shirt I bought him, giving me a little time to talk- but all done to try and win me over and cover up the wrongs he is committing against me. I am not stupid. Just mislead!


Ataloss 4 years ago

'Absolutely' I am not strong, I am still going through all those up and down feelings that I have always gone through, I've just made that concious decision and let all the 'bad' treatment come to the forefront in my mind, instead of hanging on to the good ones.

I know what I need to do, I still haven't let go of him, I feel like I am planning my own funeral such is the addiction I have for him.

Since I spoke to that other woman, he has come back full on with contact, he has even asked to see me, once a week only, but still he has asked.

He is giving me false promises of physical time together, but it is all vague, nothing set in stone, he is of course just keeping me hoping and hanging on.

I know it is happening, what he is doing, I have still allowed him to make me believe that 'home circumstances' are what kept us apart, but I know deep down that he had something else going in which was more important than me.

Last week I questioned him why I have a barrage of texts from him every day except Tuesdays, it has always been Tuesday that I don't even have a text from him. The following Tuesday he text me all day, just to prove a point, even that was obvious to me.

Yesterday was the last chance he could have seen me this week face to face, he already gave me to believe he was going to be busy so wouldn't be able to.

I went for a drive and found myself parked up in the place we used to meet frequently, I sat there thinking of all the things he had ever said to me there, had a few tears, looked through my phone at the saved messages from him, just for a few minutes, just to reflect, smile and then cry.

As I was driving out of that Road he came towards me in his car, passed me and pretended to not have seen me!

If I had stayed sat there a few more minutes more in that place, I am sure he would have turned up to meet someone else!!!! He hadn't even bothered to text me that morning. It will have been his time to spend with someone else, in the same place where we met, talked, laughed, made love, where he made all those promises to me, all those false hopes, and my heart sank to the floor.

I parked up down the road, he sped past me like a bat out of hell. He had parked up somewhere else just long enough to text someone!!

I text him, asked him to talk, and nearly an hour later, he called me back, very uncomfortable, and all the same usual crap that he usually tells me. He actually had the nerve to ask me what I was doing there!!!!

Wether he was meeting someone else or not, it doesn't really matter, what hurt me the most was that he could have seen me for some time together, he knew I was free yesterday, he had every opportunity to spend at least two hours with me, he couldn't even be bothered to text me, he had told me the night before that he could not get me out of his mind, that he needed to see me soon and wanted to spend as much time with me as he possibly could!

I was not important enough for him to even think about where I was yesterday, and it has left me totally devastated, but very clear about where I am in his mind.

I am so disappointed in myself for being reeled back in, I knew he was lying about some things, he was being evasive about what days he had completely free, and every time I suggested meeting he always had to wait and see what he would be doing. Yes I knew, and I still allowed him to do it to me again.

He knows I know, he won't contact me now for while, let me calm down and then he will come back as though nothing happened with all the sweet talk and a stupid excuse for his absence.

I am in turmoil all over again, hurt but not confused, I want to shake him and scream at him why, why are you doing this to me????? but I know the answer, he is doing this to me simply because I have let him.

Only I can stop it but I don't know how to do it and I am scared to death that I am going to feel bereaved.

I keep asking him questions, being sarcastic, giving him hints that I know he is playing games with me, I suppose I do it to get some answers, all I am doing is hurting myself, he tells me there is only me, he only wants me, over and over again, and all he seems interested in is that 'I love him and won't ever leave him' He has told me he is scared to death of losing me, but then why do all these crazy things to someone you want to keep??

I am seeing all the ame patterns as I did last year, and then again towards the end of the year.

I am becoming him, in that I am paranoid about every single thing he does, i don't believe one word he says to me, my stomach flips every time he doe something like this to me, and yet here I am addicted to it all and HIM.

I guess I am frightened of being weaned off my drugs, I know I will feel like I am dying, I already do if I don't hear from him for a day or tow, but he knows that, and that is why he does it damn him!!!!


Dallis 4 years ago

After reading all of this my heart has just sank to a new all time low. I left my husband 3 years ago and moved towns to start a new life. After being there a few months I met this amazing man who was exactly what I had been looking for. We now have 2 beautiful children and life is not at all what I thought it would be.

Thinking back now, I can see all the cracks that I just didn't worry about then. I am no longer the woman that I once was. He has bled me dry both financially & emotionally. He just wants all the time. He just wants me to have more & more children but I have bailed up. No more! Not like this. His lies, selfishness, stories, alcohol, disappearing acts, doesn't care who he hurts to get what he wants.

I have always thought that he would eventually change but after reading all of this that just ain't going to happen. My family & friends worry about me all the time and hate him.

I am now scared about how on earth I am going to fix this situation. I think that if I left him he would do something very bad to us.

Thank you for providing this website, I have learned so much & I am now going to see someone about this. Thank you.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Dallis, be careful and smart in your situation. It is not a good place to be, that's for sure. I hope your friends and perhaps your family can gather round you and give you the support you will need. Stay safe!


Owen 4 years ago

This website describes my experience perfectly.

I am 23 yrs old and gay, and my first relationship was with a guy who was 20 and who repeatedly told me i was his soul mate and we were meant to be together forever. after 9 months we moved in together. i am now on my own spending almost all my pay each month on rent, electric, gas, internet, food and phone bills before i even get anything nice like a night out with friends or buy a movie or something.

for the past 6 months since he left, i have been totally baffled as to what i could have done differently but this site has helped me realise i couldnt have done anything. because i bought him holidays, i bought him expensive gifts at random times just to show my love. i gave him 100% of my love and shared all of myself and all my personal, private fears and dreams.

he repaid this by cheating on me and he admitted that he was happy doing it and wasn't going to tell me if i had never found out. he then got angry at me when i caught him month after month emailing or IMing other guys to meet up and have sex. he wouldn't let me get to know any of his friends or family and every time i caught him cheating or trying to cheat he would blame everyone but himself and start to cry to make me feel sorry for him, which of course i did as this was the person i loved.

i even went to therapy because of him because i blamed myself for him cheating, thinking i wasnt giving him enough. he would say horrible things to me like "you are ugly" or "you have the smallest penis of anyone i've ever been with" to make me think i couldnt do any better than him, and when i got upset he would say he was only messing around. the conversations i found between him and other guys were identical to the ones he charmed me with at the start

after reading other stories on here it has helped me realise that nothing i could have done would have changed him. he isn't sorry for what he did, he is only sorry i found out who he really is and that's why he left me, saying that he "couldn't be himself" around me anymore. i am now left thinking what a stupid person i am to have been blind to him for 2 years and i am left trying to repair the damage and trust he has broken


Absolutely 4 years ago

The past few days I have done my best to keep a distance, express disappointment, and not contact him as much. I know what he has been up to this whole week and I am not going to allow myself to keep being treated so poorly.

Of course, he knows something is up. He knows things are different and he is trying to make me happy. He is communicative and now making statements trying to convince me he is good. He made an offer to give me some time on Saturday.

He is the puppetmaster. He controls HIS schedule and knows when we will be alone and when we wont. When he needs to manipulate things at work to either insure we are alone or if he needs to make sure that we are NOT alone. Conveniently, meetings happen right next to us. He made a joke about me staying late at work since that is when WE can get away with more. But then when the time came around he said no- it wasnt going to work this week. THen the very next night, he stayed late with her. I mean does he think I am stupid.

He thinks it is his right to grab my ass whenever he feels like it. He slid his hand up my skirt yesterday. I wanted to turn around and say what the hell are you doing?! But I didnt but I also did not smile, show any sort of pleasure. I actually- made it clear that it meant nothing.

He is clearly aware that I am backing away and has made an increased effort to be nice make jokes, and offer up time. I am on the fence about it all. I know I need to stay away and hold strong but I know in his presence I get weak. I like the drug too ataloss. I like how it feels in the moment but that it is. After, I always feel used, confused, and played. I never feel like it was worth it. It is never as good as I think it will be.

I am losing myself, my mind, and my body. I just wish things were different.


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Absolutely,

The description of the relationship being like a drug is very fitting.

I almost went through what was like withdrawl after I left my girlfriend. The problem is that sociopaths and their charm have the uncanny ability to make us feel good, even when we are totally and completly angry and fed up with them, they have this knack for sucking us back in. I know from my own experience that everytime I felt like leaving it was like "What am I going to do without her?". Throw in the endless string of lies and empty promises and her ability to make lies appear genuine and I was in a year and a half cycle of really great times followed by horrible ones, each time up until the end being drawn back in.

It took a lot of soul searching and some very good friends at my side telling me the signs over and over again before I began to see who or what I was dealing with. Even at first realization, leaving was not easy for me to do and I had many of the same feelings you are having now. In a lot of ways I am still healing.

I really don't think that you are losing your mind. Your last couple of posts tell me that your mind is quite sound. You recognize the person you are involved with for who they are, that's the first step in my opinion. It seems easy for those around us to say "Just leave" or "Just Move on", as you and I both know, it is not that easy. These people have the ability to literlly charm their way back in over and over again.

Keep talking what you are going through out, even if it is just out loud to yourself or a good friend. From what I have read I believe the strength is within you.

I think the most wonderful experience in the world is to be able love and have that love returned. This is the illusion that the sociopath creates and uses to pray on their victim.

The most important thing to realize here is that nothing these people say or do is real or the truth. I can remember feeling the same way as you four months ago just before I finally left, I wished more than anything that things would get better and finally she would appreciate and love me as much as I loved her. I was devistated after I finally left, but with some time with my family, friends and some counselling I realized more and more, that what I had with her was never real. Once I accepted that then the healing process began and I now wake up each day thankful to be finally free.

Working with this person must be horrible for you and makes things more complex for sure I didn't have that added complication.

You are on the right track, stay strong and focused, but most importantly stay safe.

It will take some time, but you will see that what lies beyond these people and their ways is so much more rewarding.

All the best :)


Absolutely 4 years ago

I am beginning to think that there is no hope for me. How can I see clearly when we work together every day. It is impossible.

Today, he worked hard to win me back. I was depressed, quiet, and distant. He pressed me over and over again. Until I asked a lot of questions. About her staying late with him, and how did he think I would take that? He said that her husband was there and that how could anything have happened. He said it was so late that he had to go straight home.

Then I questioned all of the texts and what they said. He assured me that they were only friendly, not that many, and misinterpreted. Even said to me that he never writes anything overtly inappropriate to me either- so why would he do that with her.

I asked why I have been waiting all of this time for some real time together. Why isnt there more than this? He said he understood that it wasnt fair and that I was right.

How do I take all of that? It all sounds so right, so possible, and makes me think I am wrong. I even asked about how much I meant to him. He made a joke but in the end said I did mean something even though he doesnt say it enough.

I love him so much that it all seems possible. That maybe I was wrong. Maybe he is trying to be a better person. Maybe he will tell me when it is over or when he has moved on.

He saw it in me today. He saw the discontent, he saw the sorrow, he saw the uneasiness, he saw the doubt. He knew something was not right because usually after we are together physically, I am happy. I was not. I walked away from him with my head down thinking. He tried to alleviate my doubts by telling me all the right things.

So, now what? What do I do? I want to believe him but I know for sure not everything has been truthful. I know tomorrow I may be treated differently. I know that promise to be with me somewhere real may never be fulfilled.

More than anything, above the sex, the love, the thrill, I want things the way they were before. I want his friendship back, the fun, the laughs, the time. Before I found out the things I know. It was better before I knew. I was blind but happy. I miss all of the time we had. I took it all for granted. We used to be able to talk and hang out all of the time, at a drop of a hat he would call, email- now circumstances have changed. He has no time for me. I think that hurts me the most. It cant be the way it was for that simple fact. Less time, less me.


Ataloss 4 years ago

I have to say again, it was hell for me when we worked together too, since he went to work elsewhere it isn't really any different for me, it is only better that I don't have to watch him with his other woman.

I still know it is going on, I still analyse every text by his times according to her schedule, I still know when he will be texting or talking to me because she is busy at work. If she is busy he contacts me and vice versa.

Just before he moved jobs he promised that things were still the same between us, but he never once said he didn't want to go because of me.

Within the next few weeks after him going he still goaded me with hints that he was still in contact with her as well. He stopped asking to see me, in fact in three months he never asked to see me, just kept sending incessant texts to keep me hanging in there, leading me to believe there was still somthing between us, he would blatantly get me mixed up with her in his sentences, saying things like 'it was lovely to see you on Saturday' when we had only talked on thursday on the phone!

That made it harder for me simply because I could not see them, watch them, I never knew for sure. He was either doing it on purpose for a reaction or he was totally oblivious to which one of us he was interacting with.

'Absolutely'If you didn't work together it would not make any difference, he would still keep doing this to you until YOU stopped it all.

I know because I am there NOW. We haven't worked together for six months and I am still here getting nothing but texts and the odd half hour here and there just to sit in the car and talk!. I have been stupid enough to hang back making excuses for him, he needs to settle into his new job, he is having problems with his wife, he is unsure of ME because I question him, etc, and it goes on and on and on.

I should have stopped all contact with him when he left, but all his promises, and sweet talk and charm kept me there waiting all the time for that possibility that I may be understanding HIM wrongly, I needed to be more patient, try to calm down a little.

I HAVE BEEN STUPID, I STILL AM BEING STUPID.

My feelings for him are not the same any more, what he did to me last week was the final straw for me, but I still don't have the heart to hurt him, just in case he means some of his words.

He asks me in each conversation what my working patterns are, but he doesn't ask to see me when I'm free, that can only mean he needs to be sure I'm out of the way.

He told me on Tuesday that he wants to see me and be near me as much as he possibly can, the next day was the last chance he had for some time with me that week, and there he was near the same spot where we used to meet frequently, on his own. He had said his wife was going to be with him all day at home!!

This man does not love me or even want to spend time with me, any man in love would have snatched that one opportunity to see the woman he loved.

I am no longer under any illusions, I no longer have any respect for him.

I cannot make excuses for him any more, there are none left, he did not even take one minute to text me that morning, and that is after a barrage of constant texts since Christmas.

That morning he had something more important to do but it was not with me!

I know he is scared I will let him go, but I can't keep accepting all this crap from him.

I want him to just disappear and leave me alone, but I know he won't do it, I know it is me who needs to tell him it's over, but everytime I do, I am devastated and feel bereaved.

I also want him to take me in his arms and tell me he loves me, can't live without me, and I want to see in his eyes that he means it, but on the last few times that we have met up, I have not seen anything in his eyes for me, words just come out of his mouth and I don't believe a single one of them, so I am torturing myself, I desperately crave to be near him, but I don't come away feeling any better when I do.

It is just making that final move and sticking to it, I can't bring myself to actually do it yet but I know I am going to have to do it because he is laughing at me, he has no respect for me whatsoever, and I have to find some respect for myself.

I know exactly what you are going through, it is torture, absolute confusing frustrating hell, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

What makes it worse for me, I have another friend who adores the ground I walk on,he would give me everything I ever asked for, but I don't feel that way for him, I feel so sorry for him because I know he loves me and really means it.

They say we can't help who we fall in love with, but we can walk away and stop ourselves from being hurt.

I hope I can do this one final thing soon.


TRUTH 4 years ago

Im a spouse of a sociopath an an alcoholic. We are raising two daughters 10 and 2 years old. I wont spend my time on describing who he is. He is just just everybody else described above and more since he is an alcoholic.

I decided to write here reading the posts of to ladies:

ATALOSS and ABSOLUTE.

I hope you will understand my objectivness.

Two of you chose to be with a MARRIED MAN, desping the fact of his sociopathy. By doing only that you EXPOSED yourself to DISONESTY, DISRESPECT AND HUMILIATION AND BEING USED. You CANT say he cheats on you...HE CHEATS ON THE WOMAN WHO DEDICATED HER LIFE TO HIM..HIS WIFE.

ATALOSS: you are spending so much of your lifetime on obsessive thinking about him, you, presenting long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, putting yourself in that extremely chaotic relationship, being frightened by the thought of abandonment by him.

DO THESE CHARACTERISTICS sound familiar to you?? Just think about it for a second, CONCENTRATE on YOURSELF .

I think you are presenting a Borderline Personality Disorder which is a PERFECT BAIT for a sociopath.

Im sure you wont be surprise by hearing: YOU CANT CHANGE NOBODY (no matter who that person is, mentaly sick or not), YOU CAN JUST CHANGE YOURSELF.

Being with a married man has to wake some guilt in you ..doesnt it????

ABSOLUTE: what about you? You are with a married sick man, being married on your own??Where is the HEALTHY system of values here?

Two of you ladies are so much alike WRAPPED into sick ureal relationship (with amarried people), feeling sorry for yourself.

I GUARANTEE YOU THIER WIVES ARE SUFFERING like YOU DO ...

THERE is NO EXCUSE for putting yourself into a relatioship with a married person.

WAKE UP!


TRUTH 4 years ago

Correction:

I was directing my post to: ABSOLUTELY not ABSOLUTE as I wrote. Sorry about that. Im a busy mom this morning...just another day in 'the world' described by everybody else on this web..

Everything in life happens for a reason no matter how much it hurts...BELIEVE IN IT.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Everything is so similar Ataloss. I guess we have textbook cases. I get it. I know all of the torture you are going through. Every day it is up and then down. I feel highs and lows. One minute, I think everything is great and second guess my instincts and then the next day I think everything is BS and I feel like I could actually walk away.

All of the questions I have been asking lately, get a quick answer. The worst part is I have no idea if what he is saying is truthful or not. I will never know. He said he doesnt send her as many texts. I know he does. So, what does that mean. He said that the texts they share are innocent. I doubt that. I questioned something I saw in the text. He explained it away and yes it could make sense but I dont feel like it did.

We saw each other for an extended time yesterday. But conveniently there was no possibility of any "alone" time. I think this is intentional. He makes it seem like it isnt his fault that we cant be alone. But he planned to see her later in the day. Made excuses as to why. He called me to either check to see if I was out of the way or to gauge how I was reacting to his explanation or because he didnt want the explanation in writing. Because if it were a lie, it could be used against him.

I feel like he is making a point to alleviate my concerns, my questioning, my doubts. But I have no idea if any of it is real or if it is all BS and he is just doing it to smooth things over. He gave me more time this week and had been finding more time to call and see me. It is closer to the way things were but I sort of wonder if it is because he feels me pulling away and feeling unhappy with the current situation. I love it when he is like this but it is tainted because of what I know.

I spent some time thinking through all of the things I know and it is ridiculous that I stay and believe anything he says. I mean she talked of the walks they shared, the sexual talks they had, the talk of telling her husband what was happening, the jokes about his sexual dysfunction. She said nothing physical happened. Obviously not true given the things she knew and said. AND I have hard proof that they were together. He says nothing is going on. But something did go on. ANd the fact that he cant be honest about that, makes it hard for me to believe anything.

Their relationship is not normal. Not just friends. I always get explanations of these things but too many for it to be true.

I wouldnt care about any of it in reality. If he just showed me the attention I have been needing. I dont want just the sexual part. I want him to bring me to dinner, spend more than an hour of time, I want him to be alone with me in a place where no one is, so we can talk freely, so he can touch me the way I long for, so I can touch him fully, so we can just sit or lay together. Where there is no excuse as to why we cant, why we need to rush, why it isnt passionate. Is it too much to ask for some quality time in a normal place? A full year has passed and this has still not happened. He said all year to be patient. It will happen. Well, it still hasnt. And the other day he almost dared to say have patience again. He caught himself because he knew it was ridiculous. I asked him what he was going to say. He even laughed because it was unfair. He acknowledged that what I am asking for is reasonable and that I have waited so long.

He has made an effort to understand how I am feeling and trying to tell me what I need to hear. He has offered explanations for all of the questions, he has tried to alleviate my doubts, he has been a lot more communicative, and has offered more time to me. This is my conundrum.

I know things that I cant forget, I want him, I love him, and he is being better, but I cant dismiss the lies and the proof I have.

This life is torturing me. How do I stop the madness?


TRUTH 4 years ago

ABSOLUTELY and ATALOSS, PLEASE take a second off your obsessive thinking about 'HIM' and just READ WHAT I WROTE..THAT MAY HELP YOU to QUIT THE TORTURE


Ataloss 4 years ago

Thankyou 'Truth' for writing in with your own thoughts, I appreciate your honesty.

Firslty I feel I must say, YES I do feel some guilt towards his wife,I didn't at first because I was blinded by my own feelings for him, for the new found love that I had been neglected of for years, and because he made me believe that he was not happy with her, and would leave me for her.

I have been in a very long marriage to a very controlling man. I have grown up with him and known only him. I have stayed in this marriage for all the reasons that I am assuming that you stay in yours for, except that my husband is not quite a sociopath, had he been, I do not think I would still be here allowing my children to see the damage he did to me.

Only you will know the reasons why you chose to stay, as do I in my own marriage.

I can say from my heart that in all those years I never even looked at another man, you will know from living with a sociopath, just how charming, insistent, and constant thay can be with their manipulation.

It only takes all that and a vulnerable person who craves all of that and there you have the beginning of this turbulent relationship.

I am a very confident woman, or I was until all this happened to me,I was supressed for years at home, but was starting over that last two or three years to make a stand for my self when this other man entered my life. I never imagined I would ever be in this situation, and I am not proud that I am.

If I could turn back the clocks by two years and start again, what would I do? To me this man was everythign I had needed and waited for all my life, as everyone on every site about sociopaths will tell you, it's the same with each and every one of them.

I never believed in infidelity at all, I was totally against it all my life, I did however understand that now and then in the midst of two unhappy marriages, that sometimes you can find your soulmate, it happens, rarely but it does.

I thought I had found mine, he presented to me all his unhappiness at home, he instilled into me that everything I needed, so so did he, and I fell for him, HARD.

I'm sure if your spouse is a socioapth, you will know about all the mind games, the crazymaking, the gaslighting, etc, etc, you must be having all this too, you also choose to stay, only you know why.

I did say in one of my earlier posts that I am becoming HIM. I loved and still love this man so damn much that although I can see what's happening, I don't want to believe what he has done to me, or changed me into.

I hope and wait and hope again for a change in him, for him to see what he has done to me, for him to stop the bad behaviour, and yet I know he will not.

He doesn't even know he is doing it.

It is not really him I fear losing, it is the wonderful feelings which I found after all those years, that I wish I could have back, that I fear losing.

You are also right that I have spent so much time having obsessive thoughts about him, that it has almost taken over me, that is what happens when you are involved with a person who has this disorder.

I suppose really that I don't want to admit to myself that I saw all the signs and ignored them, I don't want to admit that I got this far in my life and let my guard down for someone who lied to me, used me, drops me and then picks me up again.

It is myself I am disappointed in, and it is that which I am afraid of.

You have been with a sociopath for some time, maybe you can advise me how to let go, walk away and stay away.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Truth, I hear what you are saying. But at least in my case(and perhaps in ataloss' case), I had no intention of being with a married man. I never in million years would have ever thought that I would have been with another man-let alone a married man. I have never in all of my years of marriage and dating, cheated. I was so against infidelity that I always said I would never excuse it if it happened to me.

Well, I met this man. He charmed me, he manipulated me, he told me everything I needed to hear for 7 years. We have known each other for 7 years. In 6 of those years, nothing happened. But he knew things were bad in my marriage. He knew how to use that information to his benefit. He slowly lured me in. Broke me down.

Yes, I am not innocent and let it happen. But I feel the circumstances are not normal. It is easy for anyone to say(including people dealing with sociopaths in their own lives) that what we are doing is wrong. It is but it must be understood how easily one can go against everything they believe in and value when being targeted as a victim by one of these men.

I thought and sort of still believe that he loves me. I love him and would leave it all for him. I would start a new life with him. I have thought about his wife. I have felt really torn about it all. BUT, from the stories I have gotten from him, I don't hold that much guilt. He says that she is the mother of his child but aside from that not much more. She travels for work at times for extremely long stretches and had to know he wasnt being true. He works long days sometimes leaving at 6 in the morning and not getting home until 11 at night. They never see each other and he never sees his kids either. She needs to be more involved or demand more or walk away. But she just turns a blind eye to it all. I think she knows but chooses not to deal since he is very hard on her. I am not making excuses for his behavior but this is what it is.

I know what I am doing is wrong on so many levels but I am so caught up in it that I dont think I can see or do anything else. Every time I try to move on, walk away- I feel like a part of me is dying. I am just not ready for that pain.

Is it wrong to want to be happy, feel loved, and enjoy being with someone? I know it isn't all good but it isnt all bad either. I am so blind by it all that all I see or look forward to is the good parts.

Being married to a sociopath, you must understand how deep all of the manipulation goes and you have no thoughts of your own. If it were so easy, wouldn't you have walked out? It is so hard. It is not a matter of just doing the right thing.


TRUTH 4 years ago

Ataloss and Absolutely,

Thanks for reading...

Your responses are defensive at some point. Do I understand everything you wrote ? YES, I do.

would like to say or SCREAM on thing to you: THERE IS NO LOVE FROM HIM, HE DOESNT FEEL, HE PLAYS YOU and USES YOU as much as you allow it. Does he lie about his marriage and wife to you? NO DOUBT. Does he lie to his wife about you in his life? NO DOUBT.

WHY mI with that sick man? Leaving a sociopath, an alcoholic in my case with two kids its like jumping with them into a fire. I dont have any family here I dont have any friends (no chance with a sociopath)..but I can assure you I WILL LEAVE when 'the moment' is right. Im not hanging around because I want to...have to.

Looking at the fact of his 'position in the society' I have a garantee he CAN convince everybody to his LIES (...)I ALREADY LEFT HIM IN MY HEART...thats the first step. I FEEL ONLY SORRY for his miserable life without love. IM LUCKY to love. Thats the sense of life and being with people.

My adivice to both of you would be again: STOP THINKING THAT YOU LOVED by him...YOU NOT or EVER WILL BE.

The good news is THERE are people out there who can LOVE you and RESPECT you and MAKE you the happiest person ..NOT HIM.

ITS YOUR CHOICE TO FEEL for that sick man..HE CANT make you feel, HE CANT make you THINK ABOUT HIM. HE knows you do thats why he is there, the way he wants to, whenever he wants to.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE....YOU CAN.

START FROM YOURSELF. IF YOU WONT, your WHOLE life will be what is now. THATS what you want?? How about the future prognosis about his child coming to you one day and telling you what she/him tought about you since he started understanding you were in her/his dads life.......can that happen? HOW WILL YOU FEEL ? MORE DEFEATED then now? ...YES...

Thats just one of the future views ..if you WILL MAKE A CHOICE OF KEEP GOING LIKE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

THE HELP STARTS WITHIN YOURSELF.

Open your eyes and close your heart for him.


Minza 4 years ago

Wow i just spent the last 3 hours reading all the comments especially between ataloss and absolutely.

It just made me confuse coz ithink my bf is a sociopath. Yet, reading some of the descriptions here..i also start to think that maybe i am the sociopath.

I haven't had any concrete proof of his infidelity yet. But i am so paranoid coz i am the one who is doing things behind his back.

I keep devaluing him. Keep suspecting him. He makes me feel so bad that i get even by meeting other men.

What's weird is i feel im the victim. I feel as if i haven't done anything wrong. I get emotional with him and it feels genuine.

When i tell him i love or miss him, i mean it. But when another guy shows me affection i temporarily forget him. The odd thing is it doesn't make me love him less. I just enjoy the flatteries and attention for ego purposes.

I am very friendly and i am guilty of leading other men on. But i feel empty when im with them. Theres always one person who has the edge. One that i feel i want more.

The drama and fights with my bf's is really addicting. Yes i also intentionally fight with him to go out with somebody else. It lessens the guilt. I cover up coz i don't wanna hurt him.

I cannot understand why i cannot stop my negative ways. I keep trying to change. But i easily get swayed and tempted by other's attentions. It is hard to say no to people who makes me feel good. I try to be nice to them even if they don't mean a thing to me at all.

I want to stop hurting my bf. It is just hard. I am aware that what im doing is wrong and i am not proud of it. But the thrill and rush of feeling desired and wanted is so hard to resist.

When i say something sweet and real to my bf, he doesn't believe me anymore. I cannot blame him. It is very hard to convince someone once the trust is gone.

I want to break up with him to spare him the agony of being with me. But a part of me still craves for his presence. It is hard to let him go. He fills some of my needs somewhere..something that others can't. At the same time, other's also fill my needs that my bf cannot give.

Wish you guys the best and i hope my post doesn't annoy anybody. Thanks.


Absolutely 4 years ago

You are right truth. I am not living a life I can be proud of. I need to change since he never will.

Today he screwed up yet again and for me, I have had enough. He emailed me saying he ran around and texted with me this weekend. Well he did not. For one, I don't text. For two, he texts with her. I point blank confronted him on this and got nothing.

This is it. No more. Today I will confront him with a few facts and end this for good. I may feel like dying but at least I know it will get better.

How can someone be so cruel and so careless? It hurts me so much. Knowing he is doing these things all of the time and lying about it over and over.

I hope it does kill him when I walk away.


TRUTH 4 years ago

Maybe ITS TIME THE 'OBSESSED YOU' WILL DIE ..LET HER DIE and LET YOU TO BE ALIVE!

Let you knoledge enter your heart...and your heart OPEN TO LOVE.

people like him ARE DEAD Inside already you dont need to do anything to kill him. BE SURE THEY NOT HAPPY..THEY DRAWN in thier misery


Ataloss 4 years ago

On the contrary, your post is spot on, and thankyou for adding it.

I think everything you are describing sounds like the man I am mixed up with.

I have always said, I know he loves me in his own way, when he says 'you are the one i'm in love with' I believe him to some extent.

Borderline personality disorder traits do involve these feelings. People with the disorder do have people they believe they are in love with.

They also commonly suffer from the 'Madonna /whore'complex.

This usually means that the one they are 'in love with' is confused with the emotons and feelings they feel and felt towards their mother as a young child. They are very hypersexual and crave the attention from anyone who is willing to give it. They can have sex with and obsess over many others, often one after the other, or several at the same time(much like narcissists)

However, if they ever come close to actually loving someone, a person they think they can trust, count on, feel deeper than the sex thing, then they will often not be able to have sex with them.

They see this person as pure, virginal, too good to have sex with.

The others will be easy to have sex with as that is all the person means to them. They will still not want to lose them though attention wise, and so they will tell the sexual partners that they love THEM too, in order to keep them there.

'Truth' you said that you thought I was showing traits of Borderline, in a way, I am, I do think of him constantly, his manipulation and mind games have made me do so. But, I would never look to someone else for attention whilst in love with any man. I am sure, because he tells me so, that HE thinks I play games with

HIM. That is because he has severe insecurity traits within his disorder, and so he will always think that I am about to abandon him. Of course on the days I am confused, hurt, frustrated wiht him, I act differently with him, I am slightly sarcastic, make hints at him, but never actually question him as I know there would be no point.

He sees all that as games simply because he does not realise what made me act that way, does not know it was his actions that made me that way. I am sure my reactions to him are normal for anyone mixed up with this type of man.

'Minza'

You are describing everything that this man is like, I am in the postition of feeling that I am the 'one he love's, the one who has that 'something'which keeps him there, I can't say he is using me really because he is not making those sexual connections, only promises of them, he says he loves me more and deeper than that.

I think this is what you are saying about your boyfriend and that you have somthing special with him, but also need the thrill of new conquests all the time for validation.

That is one of the first traits of Narcissism/Borderline/socioapthy.

I do not have those traits, I only love one man, I only crave one man, I do not need any attention from lots of others to validate me, and I certainly would not play others around him conciously or not for the thrill or otherwise.

Every single partner/spouse who write up for advice on this topic all say the same, I feel I am going nuts, I feel I am turning into him,,that is the result of constant manipulation from one of these people.

'Truth'

I know where you are coming from when you say, you stay becasue you have to, I did with my husband. I also have moved on from him in my heart, I know it and he knows it too. It took many years of being downtrodden for me to just click and realise that actually I dind't have to put up with this crap.

Unfortunatley for me, I have gotten myself into a similar situation (probably beacause I had it for so long at home, that I din't see it coming)

I know what I need to do, for a lot of people's sakes, but I, like you, know that I have to wait until I feel the time is right for me, not on a day when I am hurting, on a day when I am confused or frustrated, but on that day when I am absolutely sure that I have nothing left in me for him.

That way I know I will be able to switch off and ignore all the barrages of begging and pleading, which always brings me back to him, just as it did with my husband.

I suppose I am also despreately trrying to find something different thatn my husband gave me, I did for a while, anad yes, you are right, he is no good for me, I know he will never love me wholly.

I know it in my heart, and, like you, it is the first step.


TRUTH 4 years ago

HE WONT LOVE YOU FULLY AND NOT AT ALL, HE DOESNT LOVE

The love you proclaim to have for him is not'LOVE' Ataloss. From what you write sounds like:thats a feeling which you desperately hold on to fulfill THE EMPTY WHOLE inside of you. WHY?? WHY would you harass your heart like that??...Make some reasearch going INSIDE OF YOU (not online) and THE ANSWERS ARE THERE. They may change the picture of him burned into your heart.


Absolutely 4 years ago

It isn't so easy Truth. You don't think we wish we had the strength to move on? You don't think we have tried?

I talk the talk- oh yes I know what I am doing and what is being done to me- but I can't seem to walk the walk. Even today, as sure as I was that things were done. It was the last straw, I come face to face with him and he washes it all away. HOW? I don't get it.

He explained away everything and told me there was just me, only me, and he convinced me it was all true. I still hold the skepticism and doubt and at least was able to keep contact to a minimum today. He keep saying, whats wrong?", something is not right with you, why do you have that face? I just keep ignoring it.

Luckily, I was not there for very long today and was able to leave.

I had a plan, I felt very strongly, and yet in his presence I fall to pieces. He is so convincing.

I am weak. I am damaged, and dont know how to get out.


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Absolutely, I agree that it is definitely very difficult to get out once you are involved with a person like this.

I know personally there were many days when I said to myself that I am not taking this anymore and upon facing her, the strength would seem to leave me instantly. She had the ability to restablish that false sense of security in me like a professional and I would cave in. To answer your question about how they can wash it all away, it is as Truth said, they simply do not love or feel for that matter.

The pain that you are feeling right now, I understand believe me. I am not really one to offer advice, but the one thing I would like you to remember is that he does not share any of the pain you are suffering, why? he is incabable of it as it was with my ex-girlfriend.

Once you accept into your heart, as difficult as this may be that he really is not capable of the emotions or closeness you desire or deserve for that matter, then things become more clear. Once you accept that, then the survival instinct that is built into all of us takes over.

I understand that you feel damaged, people like this damage all of us if we are unforunate enough to get involved with them. That damage can be repaired.

I really don't think you are weak though, the fact that you are able to express what you are going through the way you have tells me that you have an abundance of strength within you, just dig down and draw on it.

There is no "How to get out" manual, but ask yourself "How to I want to be treated?", "What kind of relationship do I want?", "Is this person ever going to be they type of person I want to be with long term?" Once you accept that this person is never going to be able to provide you with what you deserve as a good person, the way out becomes clear.

Find that strength, get out, heal, recover, the world is filled with wonderful people out there :)


Absolutely 4 years ago

Thank you Miratraveller. Your words are helpful.

I am now at a point where I feel empty. Even now, when I am getting his time and attention, it feels hollow. I lost that love, that edge, the desire.

Today, I was really disconnected. I guess because what I know and what I have been going through, I am finding those really strong feelings and needs are starting to dissipate.

Well, he kissed me and touched me and I wasn't exactly receiving the way I usually do. He knew something was not right. He asked why did I seem different. I said everything is ok. He noticed I was not as obsessed and needy as I usually am. I said well, I am taking the clues from you. I feel like you arent that in to it and I am putting so much of myself into this and out there and I wait for hardly anything in return. Well, this was enough to make him decide he needed to reel me back.

He offered to go to our special place. Of course. At first, I kind of said no. He said he had an appt shortly and I was like there is no way you will make it in time. Then it changed to a bit later. Was he lying about that?? Then he put it on me. That he would go but I was the one saying no. I NEVER say no. Isn't that interesting. So, I said I would go if he wants to go.

We went. It was a little different. But again, can't tell if he is getting anything from it or just making me happy. For me, it was lackluster because of all of the hurt. I wonder sometimes if he is with me sexually just to please me and nothing more.

I wanted to walk more, I wanted to talk more, but of course he had to go. I need the closeness now more than this physical stuff.

I need someone to hold me, talk to me, and make me feel special. But really I should be looking in to myself and learning how to get that without needing someone to give it to me.


Absolutely 4 years ago

It has been a couple of days and I did not have the strength to end things. I have been a little confrontational and distant and to no surprise, he has come on stronger. He has been very chatty and giving me a lot more time. We have spent time together having lunch, chats, and walks.

He has even opened up a little more about his past and why he is the way he is. Trust is a big thing for him. Ironically, he places a high value on this. He wants his woman to be completely trusting of him. This stems from his relationship with his mom.

Sexual interactions are still lacking passion and pleasure. It always seems incomplete. His kisses have felt more tender though. His words much more pleasing.

I still get promises of honesty and that he will tell me if he is ever with another woman or even planning to be. And he expects the same from me.

Not sure what the status is with the other woman as of late. I believe he contacts her every day around 3. This is the same time every day that he is "on a break" and always tries to break away from me at this time. I almost feel like she gave him a cell phone just to communicate.

The third woman has been spending a huge amount of time with him during the day this week and even at night. He has been giving her an extra hour here and there and she has been bringing him food to eat. the looks, the conversations, the time- is all too suspicious. She is house sitting this week too so they would have a perfect place to go since she is married too.

He said that he doesnt like when the woman he is with is flirting with other guys but admits that he is the worst offender. That is so true. Is he just a really shameless flirt but not acting on these any more? I have no idea anymore. I am doubting everything I know, believe, feel. I just have no idea anymore. Everything has an explanation.

I am going to try trusting without these paranoid feelings for a week or two. I want to believe and enjoy the time we share without these awful thoughts. He is making the effort or so it seems.

Ataloss, I read about your madonna/whore complex and I could see that in my situation too but you said you were together with him even calling out another womans name. Wouldn't he have avoided sex altogether if he felt that way? Can it develop even after having sex? Because I feel like this is happening now to us. I mean he used to get pleasure, now he can hardly perform before it is over, loses it, or finishes super fast with no pleasure. My man actually had a great relationship with his mom and he holds her in high regard. From what I have read, it should be the opposite. Unless I am misinformed.

If he can keep up the communication, the attention, and I dont see anything wrong, I can be ok with things the way they are. But if it changes again, I need to figure out a way to finally say enough and move on. I do have a work opportunity that could give me the out if I need it. Lets see what happens next.


someone 4 years ago

At firstI realy related to this post. I have been away from my sociopath for a year. Its been the best thing that has ever happened to me, by the grase of God. Why

and glad to know there are out there. Im a widow of 3 and they targart you.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hi Absolutley.

You asked "wouldn't he avoid sex altogether then?"

The very first time he lst it wehn we went in for the full sex, I put it down to nerves, after all he had idolisaed me, put me on a pedestal and even told me he thought of me as a goddess, I remeber thinking as he said it, this is just an obsession, but passed it off.

the next time he managed full sex, but had a constant erection for a very long time, not softening after climax, and I did think maybe he had medication at that point, but again passed it off.

Always okay with oral sex or hands,but when going for the full sex (penetration) he would lose it, like a light switched off. I remeber thinking I could understand that with a mundane marriage? but odd with a lover who you're crazy about? I puit that togehter with the obsessioon thing, the lies, contradictions, the fact that he then seemd to back off but yet still seem to cling on, and this along with a few other things brought me to Borderline personality disorder/Narcissim, and the Madonna whore complex.

he has lately begun to tell me he sees me as 'pure' which to me just confirms things, but of course it doesn't help me any, if that's the way he sees me, he will never be able to make love to me again without the pills.

If he does with them, I will never feel that he is with me totally.

I've lost count of the times I've come away from him thinking he had somone else on his mind, he seemed disengaged somehow. He never looked directly at me whilst making love to me, always over my shoulder as though he had another image in his mind.

He only ever really what I would call 'let himself go' once with me, had a very powerful climax, and shouted outsomething, I didn't realise at the time what it was that he shouted, I was just elated because he had really enjoyed it. It was later when I replayed it to myself that I thought oh my god, it was her name!! but I still passed it off telling myself I was being paranoid!

I personally think that he really loves me,as best as he knows, but in that Madonna way now, he needs the rush of a new conquest, the excitement from it, he knows me well now, he knows he can trust me, and he does not want to lose that dedication, sincerity, loyalty he knows he has from me.

So really I have to face facts that there is nothing happening between us, it is over, but he will just not let it go.

He makes false promises, of future sexual meetings, but I don't hink he has any intention of it at all.

I think he is okay thinking of me in that way, but he knows he can't actually do it, and that is why he avoids the meetings.

It is a cruel thing to do to someone who you know really loves you.

I am accepting it now, I am 99% sure he is still involved with the other one, or at least still obsessing over her. Why is it that we hang on to only one percent that we may be wrong?

I, like you can see it in his times, schedules, the times he contacts me and when he doesn't. I know if she is unavailable at night, I will get a full converstion with him instead of just one text, when she is available I don't, I only get one text.

I should have stopped this months ago, I couldn't and he has kept me hangng on all this time, simply because he knew he could.

I don't even know why I let him do it, I don't need him.

I know I couldn't have him just as a friend though which means I will have to stop it and never seak to him again, which realy really hurts, and that is what I'm scared of.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I am having a very similar experience ataloss. My guy can't last longer than 30 seconds. Oral, hands, or full sex. He talks all of the time about how good he can be in the right environment/time. How we have to have more than a few hours. Once he also was hard for a really long time with no end in sight and seemed odd to me. He also said when we first took the plunge that he needs to go slowly. He can't just have sex with anyone.

The first time we had sex, he went limp right at penetration. He said he was too excited. I believed that but it isnt any better now. He always would stroke my face, my head like I was a good girl.

He avoids sexual situations with me all of the time. I think this is why we never have that special time(in a real place, with a lot of time) because he knows all of this talk of greatness will be proven untrue.

It is that 1% that is the sliver of doubt that keeps us there. That tiny possibility that he does love us, want us, is being true, and may have changed. I know that they are still talking, texting, seeing each other. I am not 100% sure that they are physical with each other any longer. He texts the two women in front of me all of the time. I think he feels if he does it in front of me- it is innocent. But he doesnt open their texts in front of me. Well, only if he knows they are innocent. Then he does and leaves it open for me to see.

He had a few lies this week about his schedule and I called him on it. He is so good with the cover up. I get so confused. I cant remember 100% if I was right or not. But I know I was!

That is the hardest thing isn't it? Ending it forever. That scares me the most too. I want to end the games, the hurt, the confusion, but the thought of losing him entirely, is too much to take.

This week was a good week and next week should be too. But then I know things will change. He will change and I will feel him pulling away again. I don't know if I can handle another downswing. I am not going to lie and say I am not enjoying this upswing- I am. When things are up, they are up but when they go down, they crash.

My man and yours will never allow us to have that 1% more we need. They are too good at the manipulation, the lies, the convincing. And unless all of the women involved talk and reveal all and possibly even confront them- he will go on with the game. He knows it wont happen. This is his trump card. KNowing we dont want to break the trust, hurt him, make him doubt us, and we want to be the one he chooses.

I am going to take a long, hard look this week at him, me, and what I really want and what I am really able to accept.


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Dear ataloss and absolutely,

It breaks my heart to read your stories, and to know how deeply the both of you are wrapped up within the webs which have been spun for you, and those webs serve no other intent than to hurt you both. I too, fell victim to a sociopath. And so, I speak from experience.

I have to remark after reading both of your stories that I am frightened by the pattern that it seems you are stuck in.....like a dog chasing its tail or running on a hamster wheel -you have GOT to STOP TORTURING YOURSELVES.

STOP - sleeping with these men, and justifying why they can't

maintain an erection etc... There is a REASON why they seem robotic. Feeling = emotion, and a sociopath can only IMITATE emotion, not feel it.

STOP - revolving your life on what little scraps he throws your way. He doesn't give a DAMN if you are being 'distant' to teach him a 'lesson'. The only 'lesson' he learns is that you are like a child under his thumb, constantly waiting on his text, his call, his email. You don't think he KNOWS what anxiety he causes when he breaks his pattern of contact with you?

STOP-applying NORMAL human thought patterns to a SOCIOPATHIC man. He does not 'love you in his own way' and

there will NEVER be 'some truth' to the lies he feeds you.

STOP - sacrificing yourself and your mental and physical wellbeing for HIM. He is not 'afraid of losing you' or of you 'abandoning' him - that would mean FEELS something. He feels NOTHING.

You are both simply a pawn to the men you are dealing with, the same as I was to my sociopath husband of one year.

Is all of this easier said than done? YES. As is anything in life. You both deserve life. You both deserve to heal. What you are enduring now is not LIFE. You are in an endless circle of paranoia, obsession and heartwrenching craziness which only each of YOU can put the brakes on.

He will continue to break you, AS LONG AS YOU LET HIM.

From someone who can empathize, and with much love, light, and respect,

~M


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-he...

If I am repeating something written above the link, I apologize but I can't see the wording anymore.......Anyhow, I wanted to share this link because I wish I had seen it when I was in my full blown obsession/denial of who my now ex-husband was.

It does a fabulous job of explaining the way a socio hooks you and then keeps you there using the nice/mean cycle etc.

Hope it helps,

~M


Ataloss 4 years ago

Absolutely

Yours is exactly the same as mine!!!!!

Our first time, went limp on penetration, said he was nervous because I was just so beautiful, he was still doubting why someone as beautiful would want him, he thought I was playing him!!! First red flag!!! they always accuse YOU of the things they have bad traits for!!

Yours telling you he needs to go slowly is exactly the same as mine, that, i think was a forewarning that the next time WOULD be slowly, that was becaue he was on medication and on finishing he wouldn't go limp, kept that erection through four times in two hours!! then he still didn't go limp, I kind of guessed but never said anything.

He also stroked my face, head, arms, as if to make me feel deeply loved, but I often found it felt patronising to me.

He would look at me and make supposed faces of deep love, but they never felt right, I always felt he had rehearsed the way he should look at me.

He aslo had retarded ejaculation, never quite 'finished' properly.

He also keeps saying "we really need four or five hours together, I wonder if that's how long his medication lasts? That's the only thing I can think of as to Why he keeps being specific about needing four or five hours.

He has been saying this for fifteen months!!

I have suggested going somewhere private for that but he just keeps having an excuse, he has no intention of it!!

The whole thing has been built on false promises and lies, and every time he opens his mouth another one comes out of it, or he is evasive about everything.

He can't even say I have next wednesday,Thursday or Friday free, let's do something together, not even hey let's have coffee somewhere!!

I have stopped worrying about the other woman now, I know for sure that she will be getting , or will have already had the same treatment from him, and so will somebody else, and someone else after that!

It's up to them how they deal with it, I don't care, I am only thinking of me now.

He did it again this week, I had spare time, so did he, in fact I had the full week free for him to chose from but he didn't ask to see me, had an excuse fro every single day, that did it for me, I actually looked at it from the outside, he definitely had time that he could have spent with me, but he chose not to!!!

He also has lots of time this week when he could see me, but he has already made sure I know he has SO much to do this week, not sure when he will be free.

None of these actions are those of a man in love!

He has been using his wife's supicions for months now, and yet, he found the time to contact me, quite a lot throughout the day again, it happened overnight, literally overnight!!!

Someone became boring or not available to him for that to happen overnight!!

I am now seeing it for what it is, I have had enough now, I don't even want or need him in my life as a friend.

I know he will harass and bombard me with texts when I stop answering him, but I don't care anymore, I want to be back to where I was before I met him!!

I have had enough of it now, there is nothing physical between us, he has no intentions of it.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss, I am having such a hard time not thinking about the other women. I try. I really dont want to think about them. But we work together. It is so hard to not see and so hard not to think through all of the scenarios. For instance today, he was supposed to be in a meeting with he third woman in a room where they can be alone or with another meeting simultaneously. He said to me that they might have a meeting. It was not firm. Well, the meeting did not happen because there was another meeting in the room. I can't help but think the only reason was because they couldnt be alone. Then tonight, I got an earlier than usual good night email. She is there- so I cant help but think that is why. I dont want to care or think about it. But he has made me so paranoid. I am always thinking about these things.

I was with him today but not physically. Of course, there was no opportunity for that. Tomorrow there will be and I am very curious to see how he is with me. I am going to push the promise of private time in a real place tomorrow. I am going to make him commit to it. He said yes look into it the last time we spoke about it. So, I am going to come with all of the info and see what happens. I am not going to take no for an answer.

We had such a nice time today. Lots of fun, laughing, talking. It was like it was in the beginning. I felt so relaxed, so happy, and no stress. Until the meeting change and the email. Now, it is all gone again.

My man never, ever makes plans. It always has to be the spur of the moment and on his terms. I cant even plan lunch. It is always loose. I get a maybe and only minutes before will he say ok lets go. I think he has to make sure his "women" are out of the way. He is so paranoid. The other day I was checking my phone and he was like what are you doing and had to look at my phone. I think he thought I was recording him. Once I had a camera and he made me scroll through everything to I think show him I didnt record us.

I find when I have free time or a perfect opportunity or place for us to be together he is even more unavailable than usual. It is when I am least available, not trying, not a great time, that he is pushing for us to be together.

There was a moment today that I thought, it was so nice when we were just friends and didnt have all of this other stuff. I thought, I can do this. End this affair and just carry on as friends. But I know that cant and wont happen. Because the tension comes back, he comes on so strong, and I cant resist.

I have these moments that I watch him and see sparks of goodness, sweetness. I see him with children and my heart melts, he acts concerned for me at times and I am touched, he does something so unexpected that I fall in love all over again. But then the bad moments come too. The odd behavior, paranoia, the mood swings, the broken promises, the lies, the blatant flirting with other women, and the cold behavior.

I am so confused. I have no idea what is going on anymore. But what is striking to me is how similar our stories are, ataloss, that I have to believe that these men are disordered that their patterns and behaviors are the same. It is just too much of a coincidence.


Ataloss 4 years ago

They are the same because they both have the same broderline/narcissitic/sociopathic traits!

There is no other explanation for their behaviour, or their mistreatment of us.

They will never realise or even care that we are going through hell, they can only think about themselves.

Every single time I have pulled him up on a lie, a contradiction, made it perfectly clear that I have sussed something out, all I got was total disregard for my questions, I could put four sentences in a text, the first three being about the lies, contradictions, etc, and the last one being about my day,,, his reply will only be about my day, he misses out, disregards, or totally blanks out all other conversations!

I have also spoken again about finding somewhere private, he said yes I would if it wasnt going to be risky for us, but he never said go for it. He has no intentions of it!

If he loved me, wanted to be with me half as much as he makes out, I would be worth that risk!!!

I have stopped going over all the different scenarios, his texting and phone chat are so apparent to me that I don't need to think about it any more.

He is evasive about his schedule, yet he says he can trust me, that says he has somenthing to hide.

When he has free time and that other woman does too, he texts me wanting to know where I am, but does not ask to see me, that tells me he is going to see her, and needs to know I am not going to watch/bump into them!

Even if there is nothing going on with any other women, all this treatment is not normal, no man needs to hide anything from a woman he says he is in love with if there is only her.

I spent months loistening to his excuses, all the time seeing discrepencies in them, every single excuse pointed me to him and her, or someone else.

Then in just one text I would melt as soon as I read

" There is only you, you are the love of my life" Every time we spoke on the phone and I heard his voice soften and he would say " I love you so much, mre than you will ever know"

This is all he is giving me, all these words, and all this talk, and he is still keeps telling me he needs to be near me, just with me and near me. What a load of bulls.......t.

WHat he needs is the same as yours needs.

Some silly willing woman who he doesn't need to respect, because actually she doesn't even respect herself, someone who will jump at his beckoning, keep telling him how wonderful he is, how much you love him.

He needs it to be ALL ABOUT HIM and that will never change!!

I have spent all those months obsessing over every thing he ever said to me, he has been in my head every waking minute of the day, and every sleeping minute in the night.

I have cried myself to sleep night after night, I have lost too much weight,made myself ill, physically and mentally for him.

I have dropped everything, time with my family and friends,left functions early, gone shopping in the middle of the night just to wait in case he texts and says he can talk for ten minutes!! and if he did talk, it was only to hear that I am still there for HIM. NO promises, no future dates, just the same conversations over and over.

It has absoulutely exhausted me. I no longer yearn to be with him. I no longer want his arms around me, or his lips to kiss me. When he does all of these things to me, I can only see him and her, hear him and her, and I have to pull away anyway so what's the point?

I really hope you can get to this point ABSOLUTELY

I didn't answer him today and I felt a little power for myself, tomorrow that power will be a little stronger.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I want so badly to get to that point ataloss. I just feel so far away from that. I saw him today and asked why I got the early email last night and wouldn't you know, he worked late last night with her. I mean come on.

Then today it was like he was different. We had some time alone and he did touch me but stopped earlier than usual. Like he didnt want me to finish. And then it was like he didnt want me to give him any pleasure. Again, it was lacking pleasure and passion. It made me feel strange. THe kissing and touching was nice and a little different today but the other stuff was just plain terrible.

I then asked him about going to a place that is private. And he laughed it off. He says yes we will. We will find a way. I said you have been saying this for over a year now. How will we ever find a way- it seems like it will never happen. I even said you dont want it to happen. He says yes. But it is all smoke and mirrors. It will never happen.

I am feeling less and less important. I feel less and less passion. It is all becoming crystal clear to me.

I have spent hours, days, nights, thinking about him. I have clung to my phone at all hours of the day and night, waiting for him to call or message me. I have gone out shopping too, in hopes that he will call and meet me. I have avoided going on vacations to be around more. I have checked out of my life to be available for him.

I have bought him gifts which get tossed aside and hardly acknowledged. I have brought up important moments or dates to no reaction from him.

I miss when he seemed more connected. He used to try harder. I feel like because now I know his game, this all seems ridiculous. WHy would I allow someone to treat me like this? Why would I wait for over a year to be alone with a man in a real place? Why would I even want to be with a man sexually who never really fulfills my needs or does it with passion???

Even now, I had his time, his attention, and some sexual encounters but it all feels so empty. I used to at least get a thrill, a sense of love and care but now it is gone. Even the hope that things will get better or will happen- is starting to fade. Because I know just like his passion, his promises are all empty.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Another late night "meeting" with her. It is all a little too much. I feel like such a fool. Every day I play in my head how I will end things. But that fear of it being final, not having him in my life at the same level, and just not having that intimacy any more, scares me too much.

He didnt answer several of my emails today. Probably because they laid it all on the line. I asked or stated things that were not things he wants to answer. So, when I saw him later, he immediately acted defensively. Asking ME what was wrong. He knew I was unhappy. But he couldnt give me answers. Even tonight, no answers and a simple good night. He is too busy with her to think about me. That's fine. Because tomorrow I will be too busy for him.

But I know for a fact that he will be giving me more time and attention the rest of the week and will even get physical only because next week things will change again.

This is killing me.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Absolutely

I know exactly how you feel and exactly what it's like to not be able to let go.

Yo have to try, like me, to stop thinking of THEM, and thinnk of what it is doing to you. I know I'm not the best person to say it, I am still in contact wiht mine, I still get anxious if I don't hear from him, but what life is that?

Constantly waiting for a scrap of contact and then wehn it comes, looking at the time, going round in your head if he text at this time because he also text her?

Can't you think of relocating in your work? Again, I kow it's a thought you can't even process right now, but I can tell you that when I found out about that other woman, it was killing me every minute I was at work as well as every minute I wasn't.

I seriously thought of moving jobs, he begged me not to, convincing me I was wrong about them, adn all the time I knew, I watched it every day, I knew the days his attention was on her and not me. I stayed becasue of his pleading, and then he announced that he was moving on to another place of work. I was relieved only that I wouldn't have to watch them blatantly in my face, but gutted that I wouldn't have him working with me anymore.

He cried to me, said it wasn't goodbye, we were still 'us' and always would be, but then almost immediately as he left, the meetings stopped. He had only been full on with me to ensure that I wouldn't cause him any problems.

He carried on with text contact only, never even asking wehn I was at work, getting me mixed up with her working patterns, things she had said, and so on.

But I wiill say that after he went I found it easier to carry out my work, yes I still had him on my mind every minute, still thinking is he with her today?

It hasn't stopped yet, but I have made a concious effort to let him go bit by bit in my head.

I know absoultely that he isn't really interested in seeing ME, if he does, it is only to validate himself, make sure I'm still there thinking of HIM. I have had these back and forth patterns three times in the last year, and I lknow it will NEVER change. He will never give me anything but 'push me pull you' contact, false promises which never materialise, confusion, frustration adn all the rest.

It is killiing me too, but I want to live! I want to spend my life with people who are loyal and sincere to me, and so I know I have to let him go.

I've thought of everythign, made excuses for months for him, I even thought of giving him an ultimatum, tehn changed my mind in case he says well thats it then.

There would be no point, all he can say is I love you. Those words are easy to say, they are cheap if they are not sincere.

Don't let this make you ill, you have children who need you, really need YOU!

Think about what he gives you that feels good, tehn compare it to what you get from him that feels hurtful and bad.

I have even thought, maybe we can jut be friends, but I would never have accepted this behaviour from a friend, and so he doesn't even deserve that from me.

I love him, I will always love him, but I have to make myself remember what he did to me, what I heard with them, and remember that if he could do that to me then, he would always do that to me.

Please think about yourself. You are a little behind me in your story, your posts are filled wiht everythint that was in my head six months ago, I tell you now, in six months time nothing will have changed unless you change it yourself.

I feel for you, I am still going through it as well, but not for much longer.


Absolutely 4 years ago

It’s not that I don’t want to stop thinking of them, it’s just that it all happens right in front of me! Even yesterday when I asked him if he was staying late, he said yes but when I asked with whom, he changed the topic and never answered! But he knew I was going to be there and see them. I just don’t understand why he would be so cruel.

I am always on edge waiting for that contact. And when I get it I do look at the time, and wonder if she got hers first or if I did. I wonder if he is talking with her as I am reading it and if he will talk to me more or be too busy. It is all a ridiculous waste of time.

He had convinced me that he doesn’t text them on a regular basis and that I get way more than anyone. But I know this is now not true and I have confronted him about that. He convinced me that he didn’t buy them presents for certain occasions, again not true. He even convinces them both the same. I think they still believe it all.

I have thought of relocating. It is really unfair to me and my life though. I have made friends and connections, I like it there. But in the end, it may be the only way. I have suggested that I leave, and he also convinced me not to. He actually put on a convincing act of sorrow at the thought of my leaving. Teary eyes and all.

Yesterday, he again made a song reference that had nothing to do with me. I made a face and said NOT ME. He tried to convince me it was. I almost actually started to doubt myself! But I held strong and said no I NEVER said that and it wasn’t me. Must have been someone else. He knew I was on to him and he knew I was very unhappy. But it doesn’t last long.

I have also considered the ultimatum. But like you fear that it will make him walk away forever. I am not ready for that just yet.

Every time my body starts breaking down and I get sick or fatigued, it is because of this mess. The stress is taking its toll. My weight drops, I cant sleep or eat and my face shows it. This is not worth it. My children need me.

Thank you for your posts ataloss, they really help me. I know I am not alone. At times, I feel so alone and can’t talk about it with anyone.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I read all of your posts with interest and empathy; I feel a great sadness that your energy is being dissipated this way. I'm glad you come here and talk and hope it helps you to find your way. I just finished reading a mystery-thriller type novel from the library. Creep by Jennifer Hillier that I think you might find interesting. It's about a professor of psychology who has a fling with a student and when she tries to break off the relationship because she has found someone else, violence erupts. It is quite a cautionary tale; really illustrates how a sociopath can ruin your life.


vicki5897 profile image

vicki5897 4 years ago from South suburbs of Chicago

Excellent hub! I've actually written a hub myself about antisocial personality disorder, also known as sociopaths. Feel free to check it out if you'd like! Here's the link http://hubpages.com/health/Antisocial-Personality-... My daughter's father is one and let me just say that it was a destructive relationship. Everything described in this hub was pretty accurate as to what I've went through with him. From the impulsiveness to the irrational thoughts to the dramatic and angered personality. It took me 2 years to get over the pain he has caused me. I will never go back to him and he also makes false promises about helping me financially with our daughter. He is very emotionless and has no consideration for anyone or anything. I hope that people who come across people like this and think they're so great to check twice because they could very well just be on the path to a destructive relationship and a lot of heartache down the road. Great hub! I can't stress that enough! :)


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thanks for commenting, Vicki. I checked out your link and voted Up and Interesting. Many people don't realize how serious a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder is. Positive thoughts to you and your daughter.


Varya 4 years ago

I'm glad I found this. I felt so stupid to fall for obvious bullshit of such a man, now I see there is more of us. Lying, cheating, physical abuse, all of the above. I moved away finaly, but 6 months later he is still sending me messages that he was like that because of his childhood, because I didn't love him enough, because he was on steroids, because he has brain tumor and he will die soon and I will be sorry that I didn't forgive him. For a year and a half I took his bullshit and forgave and cried and feared. Now, there is nothing he can say that could make me go back to him.


Jane Belford 4 years ago

Hi all.

I have read all your entries with interest. Two days ago after the funeral of my partner's father, family members told me that my partner has had 3 affairs behind my back. I couldn't take it in at first so I confronted him and all these conflicting comments came out. I know my partner is a compulsive liar as he thinks he's very clever at it but he's not. This shocking piece of info then escalated to my partner getting money from many people and other sources. I decided that I cannot have a relationship without trust so I told him. When he went away to work I started packing his things and found multiple letters from credit recovery companies for thousands of pounds a lot of them in my name without my knowledge. Our relationship was great to start with and gradually I became isolated because of his subtle influence to keep me from my family and I lost all contact with all my friends. I also had to give up my career of 25 yrs as he never worked and he was supposed to care for our children which he didn't do very well. He became demanding, complaining about me talking to my neighbours, wanting more and more of my attention, even complaining when I spend time playing with the kids. I had a couple of miscarriages which he didn't care how I felt and continued to be demanding for attention. I never got a chance to grieve.

I'm now totally isolated and reclusive like, feel depressed and mentally weak and exhausted. He's even prevented me from sleeping for weeks because of his demands.I've just found out who he is and that he has an extensive double life and I know in my soul that he has to go which is currently happening and I know what I have to do to make things better for me and my children. Half of me doesn't want to let him go but my head tells me there will be nothing left of me soon. I still have hope for a better life. I've spend many years trying to get him to understand what he's doing to me but nothing has ever registered in his head. It's like me speaking to him in a foreign language. I do feel helpless and frightened but I know I have to push forward. Thank you for this web site and allowing me to tell my story. It's so easy to feel that no one else is going through this. I wish none of us were. Jane


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Jane, you are not alone. I am sending you positive thoughts and I know others who come here understand your situation. Stay strong and positive for yourself and your children. Please come back and keep us updated.


Jane Belford 4 years ago

Thank you your kind words. Jane


Absolutely 4 years ago

The past few days have been a drastic change from the way things were going. I am still cautious since I know things can change on a dime.

He has been talking to me, listening to me, and understanding things that I have been discussing. I did avoid sexual situations for a few days just to see how things would go. ANd surprisingly, it was nice.

Today we went for a long walk. It was soooo nice. We were very intimate and he did things he never did before. He was really connected and touched me and kissed me and held my hand. He stroked my face, kissed my head, and really explored my body with his hands- which he hardly every does. We had sex and it was different. I am not sure what is happening and why the drastic change but I like it.

The big test comes next week.. I am curious if this will all change or if he can continue with this behavior. Because right now. things are going really well.

I know this can all be short lived and change tomorrow but for right now, it is good.

He has treated me and made me feel like the way he used to make me feel. I missed that so much and I am so happy to have that part back. I only hope things dont pick up with the other ones again and I am feeling those awful feelings again.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hi all!

I'm writing tonight because I actually turned down a night out with friends just in case he wanted to talk to me, he hasn't even text me. Tonight I am actually feeling empty.

I have all these words in my head tha I want to scream at him, I want to slap, kick and punch him, but I also want to kiss him, like the first time we kissed and I want it to feel the same as it did then.

I know that there will never be any sex between us again, I can't do it knowing that he may be thinking of someone else. He can't do it because he just can't!

Why is this cruel man doing this to me? Why is he texting all these words to me when he has no intentions of fulfilling any future dates with me, he can't even meet me for coffee!

I couldn't answer him a few days ago, he rewarded me with giving me no cantact for two-three days and then came back with yet another drama, just the same as all the other times, another bullsh......t excuse for not contacting me. I had a good reason for not answering him, but him being paranoid, would not have seen it that way.

I know 99% that he is ocntacting the other one, he has said I'll call you tomorrow when I get the chance, this is something he has NEVER done in all the time this has been going on, he mixed me up with her again! I used to get a text asking "can you talk?" I now get , I'll call you later?????

I was stupid and answered his text, as soon as he knew I wa sokay, he reverted back to all the love talk, can't wait to see me, etc. Today? Nothing!! No consistency at all, an excuse every time for not being able to see me.

I ma definitely going to book myself in for therapy soon.

I've tried to let him go, I am half way there, I know there is no future in it. I know he is making a fool of me, and yet I still can't go no contact!

I have to keep reminding myself that if he could do what he did to me then, he will and probably still is doing it to me now. Every day I thinkm just keep going and see what happens, maybe he will SHOW you that he means all this talk, but he doesn't show me anything.

It is just all the same words going round and round over and over again, and I feel empty inside.

I have so many other things going on in my life that I should be thinking about instead of wasting my thoughts on this total jerk.

It is so damn frustrating that i can't finish this with a blazing row, by teling him all the things he has done to me which have deeply hurt me. I have tried but he will just not listen, he own't acknowledge any of the bad things he did to me. He feels no remorse at all, I asked him to try to underdstand how it feels for me when he says things to me that don't add up. He couldn't answer, he can't becassue he will never understand any of it, only what he needs from me which is attention and validation.

I've told him I want his actions to match his words, all to no avail!

he just doen't get any of it, and in the meantime I am sat here wondering how the hell to get out of this mess.

The only thing I do know is that the other one will be going through the same as I have soon, if she hasn't already.


Nicole Gordon 4 years ago

I wish I had read all of this 2 years ago. The sociopathic relationship still continues, for me. He's ruined my life. I've completely lost myself because of him.


Nicole Gordon 4 years ago

AKA, SB


Helga, uk 4 years ago

Iwas a Psychiatric nurse and I still managed to fall for one of these characters. I made the first move on him because I thought he was exciting and fascinating. I'm i the process of getting rid which is breaking my heart despite his inconsiderate, unreliable , inconsistant and uncaring behaviour. He always managed to charm his way back. My friends and people he knows warned me but I thought I was in love {and probably still do}but I'm also all for self presevation and realise now that he will never feel any thing for me.It still hurts and I still get texts and calls. These people dont know sorry or respect all they know is self gratification.Im angry with myself for being so naive. God bless all of you and Please Get Rid for your own mental health and bank balances.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Day 1 of the big test and he is starting to fail. Already got brush off despite efforts on his part to keep it the same. He was alone with her today and I saw them talking and flirting and this all delayed our meeting. Made me very unhappy.

Hiding emails, schedule, and details. Just seems like a whole lot of deceit. I expressed my unhappiness and my observations and get a lot of silence and clear guilt.

I just feel like I need to step aside because despite being in love with him and enjoying things, as long as she is around and he can't control how he is when she is around, I am never going to be able to handle things this way. I know things that I can't ever forget or dismiss. Things happened and to this day he never admitted to those things. I can't believe him when he says nothing is going on. How can I? I have tried and want to but then he acts this way and does these things-brings back all that I know and the doubt.

The tears are coming back...why me?


Helga,uk 4 years ago

Absolutely, Please not only do you think youre in love with this idiot, you are TOTALLY OBSESSED with him.Please listen to me and everyone else, you need help and you really need to find something or someone to take your mind and soul somewhere else otherwise you are in serious danger of losing your own identity altogether. We can and do get over these things but you are not allowing yourself to. You need to go away [mentally and physically if poss]to remove yourself from this. Trust me , Helga


Ataloss 4 years ago

I've just had him full on again for the last five weeks, back (almost) to normal texting patterns, wanting to talk on the phone as often as possible and even meeting me just to talk a few times in that time.He even treated me like a lucky girl and gave me his schedule for the next two weeks, but only a small token, he was still evesive about his spare time! He built it up gradually so I'm dumb enough not to have seen it happening! All the usual love of my life talk, needs four or five hours with me, then, all of a sudden, texts wane, he has a full week spare and one text in all that time!!!

Came back with a crap excuse that he didn't have a minute to himself!!! in a full week????? Wife still at work!!! He has actually used the same excuse a few weeks ago, but obviously forgotten!!

And I still couldn't ignore him, I still answered, short, sharp, but I still answered him!!! I knew there would be no text today, her day, and none yet!!! When I pulled him up on that he started to text me that day, only to not bother the next day instead!

I have a draft of ten sms to send him hoping it may jolt him to his senses (all those five senses that he says I excite in him ) a clear get lost message, but I've sent them before, he ignores all the words he doesn't want to hear, picks one sentence out and uses that one to reply to!

I have to make myself believe that this is over, I have to tell him it is over, there has been nothing constructive between us for seven months, just hints at definitely in the future some time, when It's safe!

He is truly a sick man, and I am just as bad for wanting him in my life.

I know it will be hard and I'm frightened of that first move but I am going to do it for my own sanity.


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Absolutely,

I have to concur somewhat with Helga on this one.

The line between being in love and obsessed with someone in these situations can become blurred so easily.

Please remember, people like him do not share the same sense of morality or fair play as we do. They simply see what they want and take it at any means. All they care about is "the game" and winning it.

Trust me on this one, this person does not deserve the devotion or hopes you carry for him.

I know when I was in the thick if things with my exgirlfriend, I felt exactly how you do now. I literally almost lost everything before I got out, even my own identity.

Since I left, I have recovered financially, emotionally about 90% and my career has started to take off. At the time I could not see it, but with good friends and support I got out and my life has been so much better since.

My prayers are with you, find the help you need and put yourself first. Remember we are only held back so long as we are unwilling to break the chains of those trying to keep us down.

Stay strong


joe 4 years ago

my ex wife is a sociopath.we have been divorced since 2004 and she has been married 3 times since 5 times total.she has 4 children,1 with me and 3 by another in oklahoma.she hasn't seen her children in oklahoma for over a year.she cannot tell the truth about anything and always blames her problems on someone else.she is very pretty and outgoing.once her victims fall into the trap the see her other side quickly.the constant lying about everything and constant drama.the few times we weren't fighting she was having problems with a co worker friend or ex etc.she has made up stories about her own children being raped by a family member that proved to be untrue.it never ends.if you meet someone like that run for your life.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Joe

thanks for your post, what a sick woman, and well done for getting out, your life with her must have been sheer hell!

You say "if you meet someone like that, run for your life"

Great advice, I only wish I had met someone like that. but I'm sure you will know,, none of us on

this hub, actually MET someone like that.

We all met a lovely person, someone who had everything in common with us, who liked and disliked all the same things we did. A person who charmed us by casual touches, loving stares, following, obsessive contact and sweet constant loving words,someone who could mimic when we were happy, sad, upset, worried, who could tell when we weren't sure whether to believe them when they lied, but KNEW that we had decided to accept it and pas it off.

When I first met him he was a little overweight,slightly shoddy in his dress sense, abrupt, curt and sometimes rude, but I looked into his eyes and saw something else. His voice softened when he spoke to ME, he helped me with my work, he couldn't do enough for me, he clung to me like a magnet!

I saw him doing exactly the same with someone else, but I passed it off because to look at him, you would never have thought he would have enough confidence to chase after anyone, let alone more than one.

Not particularly overly good looking, not a particularly good physique, never had any money or decent transport,sometimes he would forget his manners, put that together with the above mentioned traits and who would have thought he was capable of the things he has done to me? And yet, when I looked at him I saw perfect! When I heard him I melted, why?, because when he was with me, he was the same as me, he mirrored MY traits, my actions,my body language, even the way I laugh.

I know now of course that it was all fake, a game to him, he gave me a false image of himself, but a perfect image for ME.

I think the only way I can describe the fear of losing that connection is to say, it would be very nearly like losing a twin.

I knew mine for two years before I allowed this to happen, I worked with him every day, and got to know him (I thought) deeply, I trusted him, I thought he was worth risking everything I had for. I believed that we were both on the same level and deeply in tune with each other, we talked about consequences, outcomes, what we would do if things came out in the open, what we would say, word for word. We laughed at the same things, ate the same things, I felt so tuned into him that I would pick up my phone two seconds before it beeped even at random texts which were out of the blue!

I actually felt so connected to him that I would go out for a walk because I could sense that he needed me, and would contact me soon! I was always right!

We discussed our hopes, dreams, plans, what we wanted from each other, and expected from each other. Even the things we would NOT accept from each other!

I am sure all of us on this hub thought we had met the person of our dreams, and none of us could ever imagine we had met somone like 'THAT'

I am also sure that each and every one of us have been through exactly the same ups and downs,highs and lows, clinging on to the hope that one sentence from them may actually be true, that they may just be being sincere, and that it is US who have it wrong, even when the proof is in front of us that there is no hope of it.

How could those things he said to me not be true? He really meant every word, it felt so deeply intense and sincere!!

He meant every single touch, every single kiss, even now when I know the things I know, I still cannot bring myself to believe they were not sincere.

That would mean admitting that I have made a huge mistake! It would mean I have made a stupid fool of myself and risked everything I have for this man, who when I look at his photos, I see such love in his eyes for me, I see a perfect happy couple who were meant for each other,,,,,,Soulmates.

Everyone who knew us and worked around us, all said they thought we were a perfect couple, what a shame we were married to other people!

But when I see him face to face now, there is a different picture in front of me, one who actually looks almost scared of what questions I may ask him, in case he slips up! I see a man who I have made my priority for all this time, forsaking my family, friends, self respect, dignity, dropping everything when it was and is convenient for him, and always on his terms.

I am almost nervous at seeing him because I see a sick pitiful person who is desperate to keep me adoring him, one who I feel is laughing at me, smirking at me and my loyalty and devotion.

I no loonger see his pupils dilate and his smile reach all over his face, and his cheeks flush.

I only see a pinched face with thin features and insincere eyes.

If I had ever thought I had met someone like that, I WOULD have run for my life, but sadly like everyone on here, I dind't!


Absolutely 4 years ago

I read with great pain your post ataloss. You write like I am ready my own personal diary. Everything is exactly the same, down to his looks, his words, our discussions, our feelings, our relationship- everything. This is scary to me. Because we clearly have two different situations but the men are identical. How could that be- only if we are looking at the same disorder.

I am unfortunately still in way deep. He has been saying and doing all of the right things and I am turning a blind eye to all of the discrepancies. I know I need help and need to see clearly. I don't. I am taking it for what it is and enjoying the moment. Despite knowing heartache and pain are around the corner. For now, he is making a strong effort to be forthcoming. He has now opened emails in front of me, gave me time(lots of it), I am able to ask questions all of the time, and I have been honest with what I know. I dont know what any of it means but for now- he is making things right. He is making me a priority again. I love it and I dont want to lose it. At least not now.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring- but for now I dont care.

I know what you are saying and where you are coming from. I know how hard it is and how things have changed. But you, like me know how good it can feel. And how hard it is to walk away from it. Stay strong ataloss. I know how hard it is.


Ataloss 4 years ago

HI again Absolutely and anyone else going through this right now.

He knows what you know?

That is enough to make him come on full again to you, I had exactly the same after I confronted him! He gave me access to his emails, chat rooms, told me I was free to look and he had nothing to hide from me,I never did, I saw no point in it. He bombarded me with strong denials of any wrongdoing with anyone else, you would not believe the begging and pleading, wanted to see me every day, loving, attentive, obsessed all over again! Right up until the day he moved off to another job, and then I was put at the bottom of the list of important things to do again! He had promised me that he would be there for me forever, told me he was the luckiest man on the earth because he had me in his life, he loved me like he had never loved anyone in his life before!

Contact was obsessive for a few weeks and then dropped to two texts a day, just to keep me hanging in there, he continued to confuse me when chatting in chat rooms with his other one, and even put smiley faces next to obvious discrepencies, and then signed out while he went off to contact her, saying "don't go away, I'll be back soon" and I knew by the times where he was going, and excatly to the minute when he would be back, same times every day!!

I would sit there waiting for him like an lovesick fool, all the time thinking, give him some slack, maybe he is telling the truth, but in my heart I knew, I knew by his timings and her schedules!

I have had every excuse under the sun when he backed off for a few days at a time, then came back with stupid stories of dramas, illnesses, marital problems, no phone access, and much more, all of these dramas had each lasted exactly three days every time!!

Recently I have had him nearly back to normal contact. I got wind of something happening with the other woman, and I knew from that day he would back down from me again for a while, he has, contacts me once a day, just to keep me hanging while he deals with his new interest all over again.

I questioned him, he asked to see me, gave me half an hour, all the usual love talk, yes Like you, it felt good for that half an hour, but when I sat down to think it over, I saw it for what it was, his need to make sure I was not losing interest in HIM!

I have come to realise that it is not love I feel for him, but the longing to keep those initial feelings alive, the need to know that he loves me, needs me, and is sincere to me, nad that he meant the things he said to me. My heart and now my head know that I am clutching at straws, and he will never know what real love feels like, he will only keep me hanging on for his own gains!

I have got so used to his patterns and cycles that I know in advance what is coming, and every time I tell myself that this time will be the last, but I always fall by the wayside. That is how he has got me, the need for contact and the pity stories from him have me hooked, but I'm not enjoying anything I get from him, every single piece of contact is smeared with doubt, suspicion and mistrust.

It hurts like hell to know that he 'fits' me in when he can be bothered, but that the other one will be getting all the full on stuff. If not her, then another one by now.

I've tried to think of this in terms of him being an ex who is now a good friend, but I can't, simply because he talks to me, writes to me like I am still his lover and the only one and he has been so convincing, I doubt myself all over again.

The reality is, we will not ever be physical again, he knows it and so do I, but he does not have the nerve to actually tell me so because he knows I will back off and give up. When I bring it up, he tells me we will....soon. What kind of relationship is that??

Have you thought that maybe your man is full on with you right now because..... 1.... the other one is questioning him,being cold with him, or ......2,,,, he thinks you are getting wise to his games and he needs to keep you hanging in there? That is the one thing they fear the most, the threat of abandonment!

Whichever it is, you will only be back to the same thing again soon, once he feels he has appeased you and you are okay with him again. You will be back to square one again soon!

I like you am taking it for what it is, but why?? I am only hurting myself and prolonging that hurt.

I suppose it is a woman's primal thing, he is MINE, and no-one else is having him, but there is nothing any of us can do about that is there? He wants someone else's attention, he will go get it and do everything he can to keep it. It is what a person with these disorders thrive for with their every being, it is something that will NEVER change. They have no idea, or even any interest in how we feel about it, they do not even care.

Unfortunately for me and you, we are normal people, we do care, and that is what they prey on, and will continue to do so until we have nothing left to give them, and then, we will be discarded forever without a single thought.

It is up too us to do something about that before it happens.

Remember what mine said to me before he moved on to work elsewhere "i don't really want to go, but I have to, it won't be goodbye, I NEED you in my life forever"

He never once said " I don't want to go because of you"

I should have dropped him then and put HIM in the trash can with all the other bad rubbish, but here I am going round in circles until I find a gap I can walk through!!

It does help a little to know that this is happening to other people all over the World. I don't know where you are, but I am in the East of England. It doesn't matter what the language is or the Nationality, this disorder affects and wrecks lives everwhere.

I really feel for and understand anyone going through this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!!!

Keep trying to see it from the outside Absolutely, maybe you will catch up to where I am soon!!

Take care for now.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Hi Ataloss,

I have taken the opportunities lately to question him about all of the things that I know about “the other woman”. He sensed I was about to leave, and started being more honest and forthcoming. He was making a strong effort to show me how he was there for me by telling me his schedules, who he is with, when he was going out and where, etc. So, I started telling him why I doubted him. I told him the things I knew about his relationship with her. Almost all of it. He tried to explain some of it away, he confessed to some of it, and denied some of it by saying she lied about it. I do not know if she lied or not because those were things she told me but I do not know for sure if it was or was not true. He twisted some of it around to his benefit for sure. He promised over and over again that he would tell me if there was anyone else and that there was only me. He is only friends with other women. His promise is for now not for what happened before(so this could be his omission)

I don’t think mine is on the computer much but I really don’t know. I have this really strong feeling that he has a phone from her. I don’t know why. I have no proof of this but when he goes out for his breaks- I feel like he is contacting someone.

As of late, he has been full on. Our relationship is better than ever. Lots of time, talking, and sexual contact. But he still is having trouble with pleasure it seems. We have been going to lunch, having talks at work, seeing each other early and late. A big change. But you could be right that this is all because I started really questioning him and backing away. He sensed I was going to leave for sure. My gut instinct is still warning me. Sometimes, I wonder if he is with me and then with someone else later that day. DO men do that? Have two women in one day sexually? I thought this because of his quickness, that maybe this helps him last longer later??? The thought of this make me sick.

I got excuses that his wife was suspicious, phones weren’t working, work related things, etc. I have not allowed these things to go unquestioned any longer and will speak my mind now. I think he is a bit shocked by how much I know. Maybe that is why he is so full on now. Proving he is good and keeping me happy. I also pressed hard on going somewhere real to spend some real time together. He agrees but clearly has no intention of doing so. Again, I think that is why I am getting more attention now.

I do have those feelings that he is”MINE” but also know that he isn’t. I know that if he wants something/someone else-he will take it. All I ever wanted is honesty. I wanted to know if he planned on being with other women from work. He promised me he would tell me. I didn’t ask for much. I just want the right to decide if I want to stay or go based on what he tells me. I don’t want to find out from others, or see it, or hear about it. I just wanted to know from him.

I never expected to have feelings like these. It just happened. Now I am I so deep, that I cant walk away- not easily anyway.

I am in Canada. Pretty much on the other side of the world from you. And yet, our men are shockingly similar. On paper, you would think they are the same. Crazy.


sunflower 4 years ago

I am so thankful to have found this site. I too and recovering from a relationship of a sociopath. I was married to one for almost 7 years. I too am still hurting. He keeps calling and wanting me back. He was rotten to my son and never help me pay any of the household hold expenses. Know I am bankrupt and have no home, but things are looking up. I am especially grateful to see that there are other people out there who are still in love with their sociopath. I can't explain why I still have feelings for this man when he was nothing but a nightmare.

Stay strong and I pray every night that God will give me the strength to help my heart heal, because it is still so full of pain.


Kiwigirl92 4 years ago

I ESCAPED MY SOCIOPATH BF WHO TIED ME UP IN HIS CAR N DIDNT LET ME GO FORCING ME 2 B WITH HIM!

Wow, just seeing how many stories, pages n pages about these sociopaths has really made me realize that it is all so true, that my life WAS being totally controlled n being destroyed, n I was blindly being pulled under day by day. . .

I have only recently just escaped from an ex bf (sociopath) again after having gone back several times believing, or "wanting" to believe that inside he did have a heart with good intensions who wanted to change.

I was only a young n lonely teenager at the time when I first met this guy. I was alone n very vulnerable, i was very messed up at the time going through a lot of dramas with relationships, an alcohol prob, my family, feeling lost in life. I was needing someone to care about me, shower me with sweet comments, someone to make me feel loved, special n wanted.

At the beginning I got all of this from him and more. He was oh so charming, did ANYTHING I asked of him, he told me he'd protect me n never let ANY1 ever hurt me. We lived at his parents home with just his mum n dad, he didn't work, if he needed money he'd get it by either selling drugs or doing "jobs" with mates. He had a bad history n he was a criminal. He'd tell me all these stories all the time, bragging about how tough he was, telling stories about all this bad stuff he'd done in the past.

I had a casual job in retail n was working almost every day. I had a few close female friends, I'd go out with them on my own some days n nights, but he'd call n txt me constantly, non stop asking where I was, wat I was up to, when in was going to b home... Then he'd start sooking every time I wanted to go hang out with my friend on my own n try talk me out of going. It then came to the point where he'd have to come with me wherever I went, wherever he went, I'd hav 2 go with him. He started following my every move, it even got that bad that he'd even follow me to the toilet n stand in the bathroom or constantly Check up on me while I was in the shower.

It didn't take long before I eventually lost contact with all of my friends. He'd always come into my work while I was working, constantly checking up on me, I'd b busy doing wat i had 2 do, turn around one sec n he's there, then I turn around the nxt minute n he's gone, then he's there again. He'd hang around outside sometimes. B4 I'd even finished work he was there 2 pick me up.

Eventually I lost my job because he kept pushing me to call in sick all the time so that he could hav me with him. The minute he knew he had me trapped that's wen he started to become very possessive of me. Obviously in his mind I was HIS possession, he "owned" me n no1 else could ever have me. Til this day he still thinks this.

As we were both jobless by this time and his parents just treated him and I like little children, not caring wat we did or anything, we became pretty much glued to each Otha. We were around each Otha 24/ 7 so I started to become very agitated n annoyed. I did feel suffocated at times, he smothered me a lot n wateva he did I did. Wherever he went, I went.

Next the arguing started, the abuse n then the fights.


marie 4 years ago

Hello,

I am really enjoying this site.. Very informative!!!! But, I just got out of a relationship with a true sociopath!! He is currently in jail and will be there for a long time hopefully. But, when we were married, he kept telling me that 'Till death do us apart, and if you ever leave me, I will kill you.' He use to always tell me that, 'No matter how much time goes by, and you have not seen me, please don't ever think that things are like they seem, because I will show up when you least expect it and no one will know what happened to you." I guess I really did not get this because..... Although he was running around with many other women and lying daily about it and just sooo abusive. I finally left and divorced him. Absolutely, no contact with him but, my question is.. 'Does the sociopath ever REALLY move on 100% or will he be true to his word and try to hurt me, when he gets out???" OR am I forever on his radar, even though he has moved on??? What is your experience with this??


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

His statements are truly frightening and cause for concern. Be careful and watchful always. It's impossible to predict what he might do. The sociopath that I know well never forgets a slight and is what one might call a "grudge collector." If I were in your shoes and if I had the opportunity to move away and start over, I would consider doing so. Best of luck to you.


Marie 4 years ago

But, don't they 'forget' about you once they found a 'new source???'


Ataloss 4 years ago

They put you on the back burner while they enjoy the new source, when they get bored with that one, or the new one gets wise to him, then they will come back to pick you up, or at least try to. They will only come back to you to use you temporarily. If you have left them or hurt them in any way, they will have no use for you other than to use you and make you pay for what you did to them.

They will hurt you even more tahn before, and only do the exact same things to you as they did before, with new promises of 'a new me' or 'I'm a changed person'

Do not listen to it, I have with mine, he is only sweet talking me into believing he loves me, needs me when the other one is not available!

The threat of coming after you upon his release is another manipulation scam, to keep you worried, and to keep HIM on your mind.

Put him out of your mind, he is locked up for now, where he belongs, leave him there and move on wiht your life.

All the best to you xx


April sulaven 4 years ago

hi. i wanted to post this, because i need to speak up for these sociopathic humans.. i know they are 'bad' people. i've done so much research on them it is crazy.about 4 months ago i began to talk allot with an old aqquatence i had known since i was 3. i am almost 17 now. he is 21. he hasn't killed anyone before. he is respected and has no criminal record. but he kept hinting at things. and there was something about him that i knew was off. i knew he was different in a weird way. me having horribal taste in men *got out of a psychopathic relation ship last summer, which i am still recovering from* i found out he is a sociopath. he hinted and told me that if i figure him out i deserve to know. he wanted some one to accept him.. when i finally figured it out, he said yep. and i said oh.. okay, well that's not disgusting why would i think you are disgusting just because you are good at manipulating people and have no regret over it. he said April, its not that that people would find disgusting.. its what i am capable and slightly desire to do to people. I've literally sat next to people and thought of the numerous ways i could end them, how painful i could make it. and a small part of me even considering trying it, wanting to.. its like a hunger. i need to... April that's the monster i fight every single day almost. that is what is disgusting and horrific.. i thought for a moment and said. Jeremy, you are not disgusting. you are a beautiful person for fighting what your father made you.. *he was physically abused by his father since he was 4*

so needless to say that supprised him. he kept me close, kinda keep your friends close frenemys closer type thing. after a while of us talking and texting, he finnaly did believe me that i wasn't scared of him and that he isn't disgusting. we talked allot still. and i asked him once if he ever thought of 'monster' (his desire to kill) as more of a gaurdian than a monster. and he said ..no never, elabourate. so i said, "humans are just animals. and when animals are cornered their reaction is to atack. you were cornered at a young age. maybe when your emotions finally were swallowed, and when you lost your emotions, your mind created gaurdian as a way to gaurd and protect your feelings. and killing people is a side effect of him, since people or society if they ever found out, you would be cornered again. so no wonder you/he, wants to murder.

this guy, my friend, Jeremy, he also tried to understand me. i used to cut myself, i like pain. so one time we were at a get together, and he took out his knife that he always has in his pocket and *accedentally* cut his finger. he said later when we were texting that he did it to try to understand why i liked pain. i got upset and scolded him for hurting himself just to try to understand me. then he texted "oh my god.... woooowwwwww..." and i was like what... and he said April... i think i feeell guilltyy! what the hell! so i said "woah really?" and he was like yeah i think and then after about 3 minutes he said it went away. . . so non of you people have to believe me. but i'm not a trusting person. i barely trust him even a little.. but i do believe that people can change. and maybe he cant 'change' what a part of him is. but he can be who he wants to be. and i believe in him.


Cesare 4 years ago

I'm just going to leave this here...

http://diaryofamisguidedmisanthrope.tumblr.com/


Ataloss 4 years ago

I have read this link and find it interesting.

I am feeling really down today.

I have just gone through something very personal in my life, and out of nowhere I have had undivided attention from the man I am in this mess with. It felt really nice whilst it was happening, I thought 'oh my god he does feel something for me' maybe I've been too paranoid, maybe I havent given him the benefit of the doubt and tried to trust him after his betrayal to me.

Maybe I ought to just try to stop all this confusion, enmotional hurt, angst and frustration, and just take it for what it is. I know he will come to me when he needs me. Indeed, all he keeps saying to me is that he NEEDS me and loves me. BUT, every single thing he does or even does not do for me leaves me suspicious of him.

I have recently got absolute proof that he is contacting this other woman. I know he will be saying all the same things to her as he does to me, he is getting me mixed up with her, he is swearing that there is only me, and will only ever be me.

I have spent months thinking that he needs therapy. I have told myself not to answer him when he contacts me, but he comes back with words of comfort but little else, and I keep hanging on to those words, why? I don't trust him, not even a little bit, I haven't trusted him for months, every time he lied to me I knew he was lying.

People like this don't change,EVER!!!

There may be a certain someone they can relate to better than most, there may be somone they hang on to just to feed their ego, but that is NO good for the person on the other end is it.

The person on the other end keeps hanging on hoping that some of the words they hear may be sincere, that they may just be the one, but it is all just piss in the wind.

This has gone on for months now.

Who is it that needs the therapy?,,,,,,,,,,,,ME!!


Absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss, It is always so eerie to me how much our situations are alike. It is like I am reading my own story when you write.

I have also been experiencing the attention. I had increased my questioning and doubting and perhaps as a result of this, he felt the need to prove that he is being forthcoming, honest, there for me, etc. I even told him that because of the things I know, I can't help but doubt. I said there are things that happened that happened and cant be explained away, so even if you are being honest- I can't help but think when strange things happen, or I see things, or hear things, that I can't just trust and turn a blind eye.

He insisted that what was in the past is still in the past and that he will tell me if he is even thinking about being with another woman. I made some jokes about that but he was persistent. He wants me to believe him. He wants me to trust him again. I wonder myself if I am being paranoid. I am suspicious of everything and can't help but think everything is a lie.

I have made an effort to not think about it anymore. I have been living in the moment and enjoying all of this time and attention I have been getting. I sort of think that I am just as bad as he is since I am married and being dishonest. I am not innocent. I have also asked myself- do I really want this to end? I don't. So, would knowing he is with other women help? I think just living in the moment for me is the choice I am making.

That is what you need to ask yourself, do you want to end it and try to move on and gain some power and self respect back, or are you willing to enjoy it for what is is and try to live with the possibility that you are not the only one. Give up the idea that you will be together forever in love. In either situation, this is not the case.

THe other woman in my situation is the one making it hard for me. She flaunts their relationship, she does things to annoy me/egg me on, she tries to make me look bad, she throws herself at him- so I need to find the strength and maturity to ignore her. He has made a strong effort to put a stop to that. He tries to keep us apart, tries to prove to me all of the time how they are not together, he has made more time for me, he has agreed to answer any question or doubt I have. I have asked a lot lately and he has answered without getting annoyed like he used to.

We have been more physical lately too. And it has been better than ever. I am going to enjoy it while I have it and try not to think about it as much. He kissed me so sweetly today. I just melted.

I know he wont change. He is who he is. I need to learn that. And right now he wants to be with me and I am ok with that. But this time when he does not want me anymore- I am going to walk. I want him to know that as long as he wants me and shows me attention and care- I am there. But as soon as he shows me otherwise, I am gone.

I do not think I am the one. I dont think anyone is the one. His wife proved to be the ultimate victim- waiting for him for years before they finally married and hanging in there despite never seeing him. But she stays, so he stays with her.

I am staying because I need the intimacy and the attention. I know that is sad and I need therapy but it is what it is. He makes me feel good sometimes and I like the time we share a lot.

I have seen the ugly side but I have also seen the really sweet side. I am clearly not ready to walk away and have come to terms to what this is. I have accepted that he does not really love me, has no intentions of more , and isnt always honest. But we are having fun, being sexual, he is making me feel good, and I am lonely without him.

Ataloss, I can't tell you what to do but you need to decide what you want.. Do you want love because you wont get it. Do you want fun and attention? Because you may get that but it may get taken away- are you ok with that?

I was at a point where I would question him or follow him and he would answer and what good would that be? I couldnt believe it even if it was true. I never believed a word- so how do you ever trust again? I ask myself- why bother worrying or asking anymore- I wont believe or act on what I find out anyway. Why not just enjoy things as they are and forget about the rest? Radical thinking? perhaps. But it is what is getting me through this for now.


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Dear Ataloss and Absolutely,

I decided to post again since my last post wasn't acknowledged, by either of you.

I too was the victim of a sociopath.

One of you mentioned in a recent post that YOU "had your man" back to texting/contacting you like he had in the beginning of your relationship with him. Unfortunately, you don't have HIM doing anything - he is the puppetmaster, pulling your strings as he sees fit.

Another thing you might take notice of, is that it seems both of you are still attempting to apply NORMAL human (and thus emotional) logic to the brain function/actions of a SOCIOPATH. Your man does not care that you are spilling your guts to him, that you are sad, overwhelmed, disgusted, betrayed, or whatever the other myriad of feelings these con artists dredge up in us. They DO NOT CARE.

So, as much as you are looking to be 'validated' in your feelings and emotions by your 'man', you will NEVER receive that. NEVER. And so the cycle continues.

Another thing one of you ladies mentioned was "calling him out" on all of the inconsistencies you see, and "not staying silent any longer." And so? Do you think that he cares that you are confirming that he is lying? That he wont keep his word? That he is with other women? NORMAL people might be affected with being confronted with the truth. To a sociopath, you are merely stating plainly how much control they currently exert over you.....they can treat you like trash and yet we come back for more.

Finally, one of you ladies mentioned a while back that you wanted to give an ultimatum, but that you were afraid it would backfire. Ie, that you would 'lose' him altogether. Sorry, but you never 'had' him, he has YOU.

What is there to be afraid of, really? That you might find someone who actually loves you? You might sleep peacefully at night? You might be able to LIVE without second guessing everything he says, and limited your plans for HIM? Checking your phone, your emails, your texts obsessively because you could miss the crap he throws you?

You do not love HIM, you love who you THOUGHT he was. And he played a good game, didn't he? This is why it feels impossible to let him go. But guess what? Who you THOUGHT he was isn't coming back.

And THAT my lovely ladies, is why you now feel anxiety, fear, sadness, confusion, nausea, and a sense of loss.

Please, do not continue to prolong your downhill slide. Do not turn a blind eye to what you SEE so obviously. There doesn't need to be some 'grand finale' where you "get all of your feelings out to him" or "call him to the table" for how he has hurt you......since this only gives him the opportunity to continue twisting his knife in your heart and dragging you down yet AGAIN.

Leave quietly. Delete his phone number, his email address, all of his texts. Turn your focus back to YOU, like you deserve.

Sending so much light your way,

~M


sarah sayeed 4 years ago

i was seeing someone for over a year, who i was very much in love with, things turned sour when i ended up feeling very isolated, and very depressed, and i didn't know why. he could be very awkward in social situations, he didn't introduce me to people, and allways was outsiide of the group. sometimes he didn't even talk to me when i was with him and his friends, like he was uncomfortable or something. i put this down to insecurity, and let him get away with it. if i brought it up, it would only be my fault anyway. he was very controlled about food, and appearance, he only ate vegetables, and nearly cried when i ordered him shellfish at a restaurant. he would throw things, and shout , and once even shook me. he threw his phone under a bus , a knife on the floor.etc. he cheated on two of his three ex girlfriends, who surprisingly he is mad at. he hates one of them very much, and resents another. but he is completely in love withme. apparently , anyway. i felt him pulling away for a long time, his work, which he did full time, even though he is a photographer, he worked in a book shop. he never had anymoney, never took me anywhere, even asked me (student) to pay for things. i feel so stupid for feeling so sad that he's not around anymore, for even though he was totally nuts, (stalking post break up) when we held eachother, i felt a love more intense than i ever have. the relationship was breaking me , so i ended it, but i'm sad, i'm so sad


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

This probably doesn't help right now, but it is true nonetheless. As time passes, the sadness will fade. Logically, you know you are in a better place now. Keep busy and fill your life with things that bring you joy. Sending positive thoughts your way, Sarah.


Absolutely 4 years ago

And the roller coaster ride continues...things were great last week and then the weekend came. Let's just say he lied again. Then today, he was definitely with her. No question in my mind. It is so obvious that it is laughable. He still touched me and sweet talked me but was distant enough since he had no intention of being with me today.

SO, I tried to not care and put it out of my mind. But it is so hard to know he is being deceitful and with someone else. Today I had a lot of time to really think about it. It hurts so much and makes me so sad and disconnected. I am going to try and stop this for good. I have made some steps to sever ties. They are so good at the manipulation that the doubt is always there. The doubt that I am wrong, that I am paranoid, the doubt that maybe he really is good, sweet, and loves me. He convinces me every day that he is being loyal. The few times I pushed him too far and questioned him to the point of backing him in a corner, he turned the tables and made me feel awful.

I think for me the problem is that even though I KNOW what I need to do, that I KNOW I deserve better, that I KNOW he will never change, that I KNOW he does not care, I still don't want to lose him. I have this overwhelming need to be with him. It fades when we are not together but the minute we are in each other's presence all of the doubt, fear, sadness, hurt- goes away and I just want to be with him. I feel like I am in a trance. I have no control. Feeling so out of control, so sad, so hurt, so betrayed and so weak. I KNOW what I have to do but I just cant find the strength to do it or see the light like you say truthseeker. So sad.


TRUTH 4 years ago

Look at your CHILDREN and ask yourself, who is really SAD, and WHO is getting HURT HERE (???)...Im sorry but AS A MOTHER HAD to write it


Absolutely 4 years ago

I hear what you are saying Truth but I love my children very much and treat them very well. They do not ever feel like they are missing out. Despite my own sadness and emptiness, I make sure that they are always loved and cared for. NO MATTER WHAT.

Today I tried to distance myself from him. It didnt matter anyway because he either sensed it or had already decided he would be cold to me as well. It definitely seems like he had to prove to the other woman that he was not with me today. He ended things quickly to be back in order to communicate with her. He used the excuse that he had work to do. right. It was fine with me since I didnt want to be with him anyway.

He still touched me and tried to kiss me. I rejected it all.

He has new excuses now that too many people are around to conceal things. That now he wont try at work. And there is never time now during breaks, after work, etc. All excuses now. I just dont care anymore. This is for the best. It will make it that much easier to get away. He doesnt just end things though. Keeps me hanging on, all words, no action, and always ramps things up when he senses I am gone for good or perhaps he is bored with the other one.

One step closer to ending things for good. Trying to find the strength to do it once and for all. I will not and can not allow myself to continue to hurt and be walked all over. After a conversation we had today, I know I mean nothing. I know he is with other women and I am just one of many. What a cold, heartless, and mean man I have gotten involved with. No regard for human life or emotions.


Absolutely 4 years ago

It has been a very difficult week. Watching him get closer with the other woman and move further and further away from me. He keeps telling me I am wrong and that he is being good but I know that is so far from the truth.

I did refuse all sexual requests this week and he even stopped trying. I said that unless we do it the right way, I don't want to do it at all. He then tried to make it seem like it was his choice not to. Made excuses as to why we couldn't. I know why we couldn't because he has no intentions of ever doing it right and was with her on those days at work.

He has changed. I know he senses my abandonment approaching. He knows I am hurting, and yet does nothing to help. He rushed off today because I know he went to call her. He was gone for a while and he always calls her when she has procedures done. He calls her every day. Denies it all of the time. Only shows me his inbox when he knows she has not emailed a lot or anything racy. He wants to prove to me that he is good.

He is driving me away because clearly he is bored or done with me.

Time for me to be strong and let him go.


Ataloss 4 years ago

He will sense that you are not feeling it as much for him. The word 'happy' will not even enter his head, he will not and does not care whether you are happy or not, he only knows if he is getting the attentioon he needs or not.

If he is not, he will move back to her for it!

You can not and will not ever win, ever feel good, nor ever feel that you have his undivided attention all for yourself.

You, like me, know that all of this is going on, and yet, again like me, stil continue to allow it to go on.

You are like me in every way, every day is filled with dread, suspicion, doubt, a sense of loss. Clinging on to a very small hope that this jerk may have some sincere feelings towards you. HE DOESN'T. He only thinks of himself and what YOU can give him.

Look at the patterns, he senses you are backing off, what does he do, he goes into back off mode himself!

You back off from him? then you are NO GOOD to him, he will only move on to the other one, or another one other than her.

I have exactly the same things going on myself. I have had something personal going on in my life right now,, he is texting me sending me all this 'thinking of you, love you, need you' crap. You know what? I had to ask him to talk to me on the phone this week, that is how much he is thinking of me!

He has already told me that he will be busy for the next two weeks, that is his way of warning me that I won't hear from him much.

I know what he is, I know that he is contacting that other woman, I know that while I have something elsse going on in my life, I am not much good to him, and therefore, he is backing off for a while, simply so that he doesn't have to feel I have something more important than him in my life right now.

That is NOT a realtionship, it is not even a friendship.

Both of those things should be two sided, not one.

I no longer feel the same towards him as I did, and now I have to think about ME, I have no choice!

I hope you catch up to me soon Absolutely, I have been exactly the same as you, obsessing over every little detail so that it took over my every waking thought, but I'm not now, it does feel better.

Take care for now xx


Absolutely 4 years ago

The obsessing for me in uncontrollable.I feel the need to figure everything out. I suppose it is a need for some sort of control or understanding.

This past week I was completely put on the back burner. I tried to understand. Was it because he was with her, because he is going to abandon me, because he is bored, or perhaps trying to prove to her that he is not with me.

He mentioned some book and I am now positive she gave them to him and sharing that too. Why does he do the same things with both of us? It makes me sick.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and see so clearly now. All of the patterns, and how he is using me. He is without a doubt with her more and more. I am in a holding pattern.

I am hurting a lot. Because I know what I need to do and I know what is happening now.

All of the lies, and now the abandonment. It is all too much.

I think she knows about it all too. But chooses to continue with him and almost rubbing it in my face. She feels he chose her but he. didn't. She just another victim in his string of victims.


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-he...

Please please please read this link. It may help you with beginning the end. And, keep in mind that you have a support system here, which many women DON'T have. If you don't feel strong enough yourself, let us be strong for you.

With hope that your time is NOW,

~M


Christa 4 years ago

I just spent the last hour reading this. I feel so much better. It hurts, but I'm not alone. I laughed and I cried the whole time because everything everybody says is the same as my situation. Xanax, running for miles, and turning off my phone is has helped before and will help me now. I know I can get through this. I told the psychopath tonight, after an 11-month relationship, "we should never speak again", and hung up the phone. No more. I can do this. It's a life challenge, but I can do it.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

You will do it. Sending the most powerful positive thoughts your way, Christa.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Christa, thankyou for posting your thoughts.

I too have been helped a lot by reading these posts from other people.

I think you spend so long in these realtionships, just hoping you are the one who is taking it all too personally, yet all the time knowing that the things you see, feel and hear are there, they are real, and they are happening, that you become so clouded, just enough to keep yourself hanging on.

When you read it from the outside looking in, other stories, as well as your own, you do begin to see it more clearly, for wha it is.

It does help to know that you are not wrong, and there are others going through it too.

I hope when you feel better, you will share your torture story with us, especially your progress of 'letting go' of the madness.

It may help those of us who do not yet have the strength to make that move.

Take care for now and good luck xx


Absolutely 4 years ago

One step closer to the end. I was cold and detached today and pretty much picked fights to end things for good.

My heart is aching and I am crying a lot. Why? He is a jerk and doesn't give a f about me.

I saw him for only a few seconds today and I turned my back. He was with her of course. I think actually cleaning up after being together! But whatever, they

Deserve one another. They are equally terrible people.

He promised me he would call to talk today despite being busy. Well he called but couldn't give me more than two minutes to talk. Thanks for nothing. I didn't even want to talk and made that clear.

As I see it, it is done. He has moved on and is being cold and detached with me. I should be happy but all I am doing is crying. it hurts so much. He made me feel good, would listen, and he was what I looked forward to every day. Now I dread going to work every day. I have to see him and mask my sadness.

The most painful part is he doesn't care at all. He knows I am angry and hurting but it means nothing to him. I would give anything to make him feel the way I do. To see what misery he brings to others.

I am all alone dealing with this. I have told no one except for this blog. I dont know what I would have done without it. My tears and my heart are on this page. Everyone please stay strong and I only hope someone sees this and learns something. These people are dangerous and the victims are numerous and no matter what you know, how smart you are, or how strong you are, it is so easy to fall victim to one.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

As you say, one step closer to the end. This will be hard for you. But you will emerge from the sadness and the pain and you will feel a sense of relief and gain a new outlook on life. I wish for you strength and resolve for now and peace and hope for later on down the road.


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Absolutely,

It has been a while since I have been on this site. My heart literally bleeds for you now. I know and remember the hurt only too well. Remember, this too shall pass.

Making the decision to leave my girlfriend finally was the hardest thing I have ever done(even more difficult than my divorce) as she had me that enchanted. At the time I didn't know about this website. I wish I did.

Believe me, the early days will be filled with many emotions good and bad. What I can say for sure,is that your life will change so much for the better now that you are ready to make that move to get free of his hold on you. Remember you are master of your destiny and captain of your soul never forget that.

Up until my own experience I thought that sociopaths were the ones you read about in newspapers or on TV. Having grown up in a small town in Atlantic Canada, I suppose I was somewhat sheltered from characters like this, but I will never forget how close I came to losing myself entirely to her.

Always remember you are not alone and stay strong. I look forward to reading about your recovery in the coming months. Whatever you do, don't lose your faith in humanity the world is filled with wonderful people as I have learned so take some time to heal and keep your loved ones close, they will guide you along the journey as well as the others on this site who have survived to tell the tale.

I'll leave you with a quote that brought me a lot of peace "Today the guns are silent, the great tragedy has ended. We have known the bitterness of defeat and the exultation of victory and from both we have learned there can be no turning back. Let us go forward to preserve in peace what we have won in war. We must never allow the human condition to suffer such a calamity again"

All the best, remember life isn't about the destination, but the journey.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you for your sentiments, Miratraveller, so well-spoken and heartfelt. Absolutely, we are with you in spirit and sending you strength and resolve.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I appreciate all of the good thoughts and words.

I have been troubled about whether to post again or not. Because I have caved. I told him that I was done, explained all of the things that I doubted, all of the things I knew, and why I was so unhappy and needed to go.

At first he tried to turn it all on me and I was ok with that. But then he explained away each and every doubt. He convinced me she was a liar. He promised me that there is only me. He explained why he was distant, he showed me emails, he discussed and explained things from the past that I just could not understand.

I said over and over that it didnt add up. THings she said and did, and things I saw- just dont make sense. He insisted I was wrong and that she lied to commiserate with me. He promised to tell me everything, share things with only me, and give me more time and attention. I was wary, I was sad, I was angry. Then he held me, kissed me so sweetly, and I fell for all of it. He spoke about such personal things and opened up like never before. THe intimacy between us was like never before.

Then again I saw things I didnt like but I questioned him right away and he answered. Not getting angry like usual and made a huge effort to make it right.

Today, he was so intimate with me. Never before have we had an interaction like that. It was amazing. I was overwhelmed.

I know this could all be the game. I know this could just be a tactic to keep me. And yes, it worked. But what if he is trying to make right and what if she is a liar just trying to keep me away from him? I dont know this for sure. I am still doubting for sure. But now I ask. I dont keep it from him. He knows I will walk. He even asked me how many times I wanted to leave.

I hear everyone here. I know I look so stupid and weak but I love him. I would give it all up for him. I love how he makes me feel when it is good. It washes away the bad.

Yes, I may be back here in a week angry, sad, and hurt again. I guess I need to make my mistakes in order to learn how to deal with them.


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Hi Absolutely,

You should always feel comfortable venting here, our combined experiences will help you find your way through.

Remember, their hold on us is identical to an addiction, and the physical symptoms show themselves in a very similar way to withdrawl when we attempt to leave. They get us hooked on the image they have so skillfully created, the dreams, promises, etc. They take their false love away and we suffer, then they pour it back on and our desire to have those good feelings back makes it very hard to stay away.

Just look into yourself for a while, remember the person you were before you were drawn in by this person. That's your starting point. On this look into yourself, you will be faced with a crossroad. In one direction is meeting him and falling for him to the point you are now. In the other direction is to say nice to meet you but, no thanks. Now picture the possibilities had you chosen that path. Hold on to those thoughts and reach out and grab them. You now have the opportunity to make that choice.

You may go back and get drawn in a few times, but each time you are more the wiser.

You can do it, and from what I have read here you have a lot of people in your corner.

God bless.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Thankyou for that post Miratraveller.

I have spent the last year and a half in a mess just the same as Absolutely.

I have often wondered if I loved him so much that I have been over paranoid and obsessed about the things that felt wrong from him, but I know deep down that I have not.

There is nothing wrong with mu gut instinct or my eyes and ears.

All I get from him now are texts, if I'm lucky, two a day instead of one, a phone call now and then,he never has any questions for me, even if he hasn't seen me for weeks face to face, his texts are just general chit chat and,, I love you and need you, this has been going on for months. Every time I question him or say that's enough now, you are not adding up, back he comes with full on pleading asking to see me.

As long as I am letting him do this to me, he keeps it flowing.

He knows how much I feel for him, it is that which he will not let go of.

I on the other hand, have nothing but doubt, supsicion and the waiting game, and yes, he pulls on my heart strings, when I don't hear from him he alaways comes back with ,,,sorry but this has happened, that has happened, always a big drama or pity story, but this is my fault, no-one else's!

This was an affair which lasted all of four months in reality, four months where I felt he really loved me then the next few watching him move on to his next conquest,I loved him so damn much that I chose to believe he regretted what he had done with her because he gave me such a show of fear and dread at the possibilty of losing me. I beleived it at the time.

I have allowed him to manipulate me, keep me hanging on to hopes for the future, but really with just the odd half hour meeting, and yet I always come away from him feeling that I have just been duped again.

I know I could never have him as just a friend.

I also know that he has no intentions of a physical relationship with me, he just needs me to stroke his ego!

every little thing he does or says which raises another red flag to me makes me back off a little bit in my head (after I have analysed it over and over),and see it for what it is, but I still haven't got to the point where I can just ignore him or say once and for all,that is enough!!

I suppose I am as bad because I obviously have something missing in my life and even though this is no good for me, I know I need him.

I am stuck between wanting to let it all go, and wanting him to sweep me off my feet and prove to me that he loves me (I also know he never will).

He has lied to me so much, I don't believe a single word he says to me.

Even when face to face he is so good at lying that I can't tell when he is or is not.

I'm sure there are times when he is being truthful, but his evasiveness and distancing are what make me analyse everything.

He is the only man I have ever really loved in my life, tose feelings were so powerful for so long, and I do know thats the reason I am scared to let him go.

I know that once I say that's it, I will not ever feel that way again. Is this why we all hang on???


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltx9wv70z0o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx0q2DnOGDM

Anya Marina singing. You can Google search the lyrics for "Sociopath" and "Satellite Heart."


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Hi Ataloss,

I went through all of this as well. After finally making the decision to stand up and say no more, there was so little left of my strength left it took some time to get back to being at least close to the real me.

The truth is, this experience will always be a part of you, but whatever happens you can't let it paralyze you. There is an old saying,"Whatever doesn"t kill you only makes you stronger".

These people are literal masters of their deceptive trade. They become what we have always wanted and naturally, we fall head over heals in love.

I can't count how many times I said enough, confronted her only to have the wool pulled over my eyes time and time again. In the end, I had to have survelliance equipment placed in my car (which she "borrowed" all the time). It was kind of hard for her to argue with recorded video and audio (of what, you can only imagine!). With that information I was not only able to finally say goodbye, but with the goods to expose her not only to legal action but public embarrasement has kept her away. The last time I saw her, I got the "stare", but she literally took off in the opposite direction.

I can't recommend anything that drastic to anyone, but I followed my gut in the end and it was right as always. If your inner voice is telling you something isn't right, it is wise to listen as this voice is usually dead on.

Remember, everything they say is a lie, a means to an end and nothing more. The love most people are able to experience is something they are not capable of. I know it feels like he is the only man you have ever loved, much the same as I felt about her. Remember its an illusion and nothing more.

I know it feels like you will never love like this again, and you won't. That's actually a good thing, I say that because it awakens us to the existance of people like this and we now know what to look for. so while you may not love like this again, imagine what it would be like to have all the love you poured into this individual returned to you by a person who appreciates you, respects you and returns that love equally. In other words, real love. That is what is out there for all of us, and in time I believe we shall all find it.

Stay strong, keep those eyes open and listen to that inner voice.... its the real you talking from inside :)

My thoughts and best wishes always


Absolutely 4 years ago

I am having such a hard time just trying to determine whether he is lying to me or not. He is so convincing and so sincere and yet something tells me not to believe a thing. Today I confronted him with a few things that have been bothering me about the other woman. His answers are just what I want to hear but always missing something. I called him out on one and I believe he answered in a way that excuses his behavior. He says he is friends with this woman and that they are not intimate in any way. He promises to tell me. over and over.

I have started to believe this. I sort of feel like this is true but that they have a relationship that is not right. He even went as far to say what if they talked about things that werent appropriate- as long as nothing is happening? I said that opens the door for more.

I have some free time this week and tried to get him to commit to spending time with me. He kept me hanging, not giving me a firm answer. Even tonight, he couldnt say yes or no. BUT I know it will be no. He has a conflict tomorrow since she will be around and either he needs to be there for her or he needs to prove he isnt with me. Not sure which. I even said whenever I seem to be free, you always have an excuse.

He has been very attentive, loving sweet, and open all week. But this is bothering me. Because it just confirms that the empty promises are still there. No intentions of ever giving me real time.

He has been talking a big game about his sexual prowess. Things came out this week that his past is long and deep. He has way more experience than I ever imagined. THis is part of why I am doubtful and unclear when he is telling the truth or not. I had moments when I thought he was very inexperienced and that was why he was playing games. BUt now that I know he has A LOT of experience, I feel like I dont know him as well as I thought I knew him. I couldnt read this.

He has gotten more aggressive sexually too. Using more domination and more advanced moves. But still not wanting more time and more privacy. He continues to make me feel badly for not trusting him. He knows I have doubts and even called me on it. But he is so up and so down all of the time. I never know when he will be attentive or distant.

I made a joke about him not being with me because he is with someone else. He joked back and said he has no problem being with both in the same day if thats what I think. Why would he even say that? It just made me think that is exactly what he does.

He carefully crafts his emails to me. Very generic at times. Very suggestive and flirty other times. He always uses a generic email from me to say good morning and good night- just in case someone is with him. And I have seen it from the other end. Him using a generic email from them to do the same.

Tonight I gave him an ultimatum. I am not sure what will happen but I am making a move to not put myself completely out there. He needs to step up or I am moving on.

I have no idea if this will do a thing. But I needed to do it for me. He needs to step up and show me once and for all that I matter and that he will give me the time. It has been almost a year and a half for heavens sake. And yet he still cant give me more than an hour??? Enough is enough.

MIratraveller and Ataloss, your words are comforting and helpful. I am really trying to work through this. I relate to you ataloss because I know what it is like to know you should go but cant find the strength to do it. I know how it feels to not want to lose this forever. The worry, the doubts, the lies, the loneliness. The fear that you are just paranoid and wrong and that he is being true and loves you. Even though the evidence is overwhelming, there is always a sliver of doubt and a sliver of hope.

Looking for strength and sending some out to all of those who need it. Hoping someone sees our stories and learns from them but also knows they are not alone.


inshock 4 years ago

I have been dating a guy for nearly three years. We met online and hit it off right away. He was sweet, sensitive, affectionate, even tempered and very respectful. After the first couple of months I noticed that even though he seemed very interested he didn't pursue spending more than a couple days a month with me. He always had strange stories and excuses. But when I told him my concerns he promised to give me more time. I did see him more, but then he lost his job when he said the company went bankrupt. His truck was stolen and he couldnt afford to replace it and he had to move in with his mom "temporarily." That was nearly 3 years ago. He hasn't found steady work since and has recently tried to get into acting which provides him with a cover for the strange hours he keeps. He only comes over to see me on weekends, the rest of the week I don't know what he does. He has told me various stories about many different jobs he's had in the past and his rough childhood with an abusive father, and a few crazy stalkers he's met online. He has credit problems, but blames other people, like a supposed ex fiance who sold his house and stole the money (what?). I thought some of his stories were tall tales, but just brushed it off because he is always so convincing.

He has always been protective of his phone, never leaving it laying around and even tilting it away sometimes while texting. He is constantly texting people I have never met, mostly girls. He insists they are people he has met on set that like to keep in contact and just chat about casual things so he didn't think it was important to mention them to me. I have met a very limited number of people in his life. We never hang out with any of his friends and he says he just hasn't kept in touch that much. All of my friends really like him and he is very charming.

Recently someone hacked his email and sent out spam. Thank goodness for that because I came across a girl who said she had been seeing him for 10 months. He insisted she was a stalker he met before he met me and that I not try to contact her because it would only provoke her. Little did I know that he told her the same story about me. I found this out yesterday when my nagging feelings could no longer be ignored and I contacted her through email. I managed to convince her I was no stalker and that we were both being lied to. We met and talked about many things that he has told us. It all came together and started making sense! He has told her some outrageous stories about why he would be out of contact for certain lengths of time and even accidents he's been in so that he was "out of commission." Even when I confronted him with proof he completely denied everything and tried to make me feel bad for not believing him as he usually does when something came up.

After finding out all of the stories he's told without batting an eye and how he completely fooled everyone in my life for nearly 3 years I thought he must be a sociopath. He never had a love/hate trigger though...very agreeable all the time. He did manage to con over a thousand dollars from the girl I met. I have provided him with many comforts over the 3 years as well. We both believe now that he still has other women on the go presently. I was devastated, but am coming to realize he has a serious problem. I am now facing telling my friends and family what I have discovered and will try to put my life back together. Thank you for the support of this site!


pinkie 4 years ago

OMG Thank you so much I 've been seconding guessing my husband for months now- and now I realise what his problem is- thank you!

We were childhood sweethearts met up after 30 years I FELL for him hook line and sinker, thought he was the man of my dreams, yes I knew he had a past but so did I. We moved miles away from family and friends and he kept leaving, I know I have to get on with my life but it's hard because like some many others I fell for the dream. Just to know I'm not alone and I'm not going crazy (tho he's telling everyone I am) makes me feel stronger. My big concern is am I and my animals physically safe, I do have friends locally but not life long friends or family.


Heartbroken 4 years ago

The sociopath who has destroyed me wears scrubs & is the chief is surgery. Brilliant at his sociopathic ways. They are in all walks of life.


dreamy 4 years ago

okay i feel weird writing on here cause am not sure

in a nutshell everything seems fine but reading the past few stories ive noticed that it matches to my relationahip.. i am always the one paying for everything, its always my fault in a argument ( was chatting online behind my back to a girl for a while and lied to my face yet it came as my fault?) his moods are always up and down he always feeling sorry for himself and never willing to take responsibilty for his actions its always someone elses fault, he says its started from his childhood and he isnt happy with himself, i know he is depressed and been on many different anti d's and he takes other medication but is that an excuse? i always feel like its my fault and i need to apoligise to him even though i treat him like a king i buy presents i treat him all the time to clothes and remember anniversarys/birthdays/valentines and i get nothing? he says he feels bad but doesnt do anything about it, when he gets money he spends it on himself and not me, not that i want him too but he never thinks oh ill get that for my gf, he then says he feels bad after it but never changes his ways.. i dunno, cant decide


Heartbroken 4 years ago

Is it common for sociopaths to have drug addictions?


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Welcome Pinkie,heartbroken, and Inshock to the discussions.

Sociopaths come in all shapes and sizes. It took me sometime to come to terms with the devistation my girlfriend caused, but as a survivor I can say that you will survive.

As I have said in a previous post, I wish I knew about this forum during the time I was being "played".

Heartbroken, to answer your question about drug addictions, then the answer is absolutey yes. This is not uncommon at all among these individuals. Remember, they bore easily, and this is yet another avenue to enhance their excitement among other things like promiscuity, etc, etc.

The best advice I can give to you as is the same advice I gave to others is that if that inner voice is screaming at you, it is your true self sending you a message.

There was a time not really all that long ago that I was asking my self the same questions that all of you have posted on this hub.

Remember, these individuals have no sense of boundaries, do not feel what we consider to be real love or compasion.

Keep listening to that inner voice, which is your true self and do what is right for you.

There are many on this site who have shared their tales of survival and I happy to count myself among them. Please keep in mind that this was a process for me and a long one and is still a part of me to this day.

Please, all of you out there who think there is no hope, draw on the collective experiences of those who have shared on this hub and build a better life for yourselves. If you have truly read the posts than you have heard my story along with countless others.

You are not alone, we have experienced what you have and hope that these stories will guide others through.

Remember you are all are human beings deserving of love, respect and consideration and you should settle for no less.

Sending strength and best wishes to all


Helga, uk 4 years ago

I'm writing for some advice from you all please. I tried to warn my ex's landlady {ive become good friends with her}about his sociopathic behaviour- he is manipulating and extorting money and possessions from her and I hate to hear about it. Trouble is it seems that she has said something to him and now he knows that i know what he really is as I now get texts signed off with psycho D from him . I'm worried as he only lives very locally and I really dont know what he's fully capable of.Help, please. I live on my own and am really getting stressed about this . Any advice would be appreciated . Thankyou


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am worried about you too. First of all, no one can predict what a sociopathic personality will do when thwarted. I advise caution; look around you when you leave and enter buildings, especially your home, keep your doors and windows locked and the safety chain on, and I would slowly and cautiously limit contact with him until it dwindles to nothing. Second of all, is your ex's landlady really your friend? You showed concern for her well-being and she responded by saying something to him. What! Be cautious around her also; be careful what you say. Take care.


pinkie15 4 years ago

Hi Everyone

I agree so much with Silva, I too trusted people who then went on to tell my ex. He's now reported me to police for harassing him! In fairness I don't think they believe his description of me- crazy, harassing, stalking; but do see a woman who is devastated. My ex never took money however he did keep me short he has constantly wanted his own way put so many other things before me and treated me with contempt when I have had the audacity to question him. People who know me well can't believe that I fell for and put up with his controlling manipulation, I'm not a kid I'm 50 years of age and have seen life, why the heck I didn't see what he was I don't know. What hurts me is the fact that I still love him, I wonder where the nice guy who promised to look out for me, who told me we'd always be friends went or was he never there at all- if he wasn't how the heck did he keep up the act for 18 months. As I said previously we moved 400 miles from family and friends and the couple we did know prior to coming here are now ignoring me and I guess believing his stories, as he going round ther regualrly. His colleague (woman) is lying for him by saying he isn't there when I know he is, she's only known him 3 weeks why would she lie- she's happily married apparently and a size 12 which is far too fat for him (tha's what he says not me) he told me he'd dump me if I put weight on I'm 5'6" and weigh 8 stone. I just want people to see what he is Thank you


Helga, uk 4 years ago

Thankyou for your good advice Sylvia, much appreciated, also for shared experience from Pinkie. I severed all communication with the guy a few months back , in the hope that he would get bored in the knowledge that he couldn't get anything from me. I do have a new mobile no., which I use so I will get rid of the old phone completely now. I think that his landlady must have inadvertantly said something to him in frustration, but unfortunately hasn't done me any favours.He is now playing on my eating disorder, because he can't find anything else to play mind games about at present. Oh dear it's awful for all of us on here(intelligent, bright people)to have to look over our shoulders all the time. I'm so lucky I do have some lovely supportive friends, who maybe don't quite understand but are there regardless.This site is proving to be a Godsend as well.Take care all of you


Helga,uk 4 years ago

Ps I kept the old number in case he would send anything that may incriminate him, but it seems that he's too devious for that one. I NEVER TEXT BACK. Don't play the game.....


Heartbroken 4 years ago

Do sociopaths ever feel guilt, remorse, regret, sorry about the inhuman horrific way they have treated someone else? (even if they do not admit it)

Thank You to all of you here as this this hub has been very helpful to me.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Dear heartbroken, no, a true sociopath never ever feels guilt, remorse, or regret. That is the stone wall that the victims throw themself against time and time again. The victim feels that - if they just try a little harder; if they stay just a little longer - there will be a breakthrough and things will be alright, and their sociopath will suddenly see the light, and become remorseful and loving and make things right. This will never happen. The sociopath cannot and will never feel remorse or regret.


pinkie 4 years ago

My ex has proved this yet again, he was wonderful to begin with and that's the thing I struggle so much with, remembering how good it was. But I've just asked his best friend whether he's even slightly upset and he said 'no not at all' he cuts people out of his life as though they never existed -it's quite scary really and I suppose he's more to be pitied than hated. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him but I know I've got to stay strong and leave him to get on with his life without me, even though when I said those vows I meant it even the sickness and health. Thanks again


spatters50 4 years ago

I have read most of the comments and I have no doubt that my husband of 15 yrs is a sociopath. All the signs are there. He was the "perfect" man when we first met. Charming, sexy, good looking, ALWAYS said just the right thing!

After 10 yrs, he began trying to try to drive a wedge between me and my grown son and daughter.

5 yrs after an incident between he and my daughter, he still blames and me for all the problems. My daughter, in anger said some truly hateful, mean things to him. 5 yrs later, he is still demanding an apology from her.

He took a job in February of 2011 that kept him on the road for 6 wks straight and home for 2 wks. I suspected him of meeting someone while he was on the road (he cheated on me, 10 yrs ago when we moved to another state, which he admitted ONLY after someone who was actually WITH him at the time told me about it)

Of course he denied it, but when he came home in August of 2011, he kept getting text all hrs of the night which he said were from co-workers with quiestions about work.

The next morning, it seems like he started a fight on purpose. I told him to leave and he did. I found out later, thru Facebook (which I had suspected but was unable to prove at the time) that he had met someone. I confronted him, we had a huge fight and he finally admitted it.

We have talk, text and ocassionally fight on an almost daily basis since then, but have only seen each other once since August '11.

He spent Thanksgiving with her and her family in another state instead of coming home to be with me. When I confronted him over and over and more or less proved to him that I knew, he agreed to cut it off with her. He moved in with his brother and his wife in Dallas which I know is true, I mave bank records showing that. He wanted us to be together and work thru our problems.

However, I found out he went back to Oklahoma in February and stayed until I insisted he leave her for good. He took a bus back to his brothers in Dallas and I am still alone, in Mississippi.

He says he is trying to make a couple of car pymnts to get ahead and work our problems out and then he will come home and we will be together again. It has been 3 mos.

My question is; WHY is he still in contact with me? we did not have children together, we do not anything of monutary value, no home, no savings. He is in another state. Why is he still telling me he loves me and wants to be with me?!! And why did it take 10 yrs for this to come to my attention?

I am not youg, stupid or naive'. I am 50 yrs old, have a decent job that I can support myself with and I am NOT insecure! I think I am very young and attractive for my age and I have lots to offer someone. I have my children, my parets ans sisters in New Mexico and lots of TRUE friends standing behind me.

I know what he is, but nobody has really adressed the quieston of HOW to you cut loose from a sociopath? And don't say just do it, it is not that simple or I would not be sitting here writing this. I truly welcome all suggestions. I KNOW I deserve better, but how do I break free?


Absolutely 4 years ago

That is the question, how do we break free! I know I need to, I know I deserve better, and I know I am worth more.

My man has been trying a little harder to give me time, intimacy, and attention but yet is still evasive, still communicating with her often and in ways that are secretive.

I demanded intimacy in a real place with some real time. I got the yes we will soon and patience response again and then he held out on me. Until, I was willing to have the quickie again. Stupid and weak. But he knows I want and need him and will make me crazy.

He can hardly ever say anything nice and now won't put anything in an email that isn't generic. He is clearly concerned about someone seeing it or me showing it to her.

Last week he did go out of his way to showe some kindness, intimacy and even took me to lunch but only because I was not going to be around for a while. I had a very challenging day last week, and he was so nice and intimate but it was to boost my confidence so that I would secure a success at work-he even admitted that he knows when he treats me nice that I perform better!

He has continued to insist the other woman is not a threat and that all of the stuff she does and says is just to ruffle me and all lies. Funny how he spends so much time with a woman like that. I still see the patterns. When he talks to me, when he doesn't, when he comes in to work, when he leaves, his breaks, when he is hot and cold, when he is intimate and when he isn't.

Two weeks ago I flipped out because of another song coincidence. This was not excusable and clearly something he shared with her despite it being something special to me that I shared with him. I actually told him I was done and left. Of course, he explained it all away and gave me more time and attention. Reeled me right back.

The problem is me. I need him and love him and the little bit of good gets me through. I wish I could walk away but all I do is stumble.


truthseeker 4 years ago

Hi Spatters50,

If anyone had a precise answer as to HOW we can break free from a sociopath that would be wonderful - like you mentioned though its all easier said than done.

While it doesn't make the feelings just disappear, I found that the more I educated myself (mainly on the internet) about the tactics and methods that sociopaths use to reel us in, tangle us up and keep us chasing our tail (in an endless cycle!!) I was able to fully come to terms with what I had dealt with. Even when I read about generalities involving them, I would often be able to draw upon an experience that I had with my exhusband that validated what I read.

So even though I know that educating yourself about the ways of the sociopath doesn't address the FEELINGS you are currently experiencing, it may help you to get your thoughts organized-at least it did for me. Their game/lies rely heavily on you being kept in the dark. Turn on the light!!

Oh, and the reason he continues to contact you? They get a sick pleasure in stringing people along....and do you know why? As long as he throws you a bone every once in awhile, he maintains CONTROL.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Sending support and light your way!!!

~M


Absolutely 4 years ago

I really don't know what to think anymore. I have been away for some time, really missing him and really paranoid about what was happening when I was gone.

He did make time for her and did attend a very important meeting that she wanted him to be there for. He obliged and this upset me but he was honest about going. He didn't hide it.

He was hot and cold with communication while I was away. Sometimes telling me he missed me and was being good and yet other times being evasive, quiet, and mean.

I came back torn. Wanting to just move away from him and try to see it for what it is. But also missing the good feelings, his touch, our time together.

He of course said all of the right things today. Convincing me that there is no one else. Again saying she means nothing and that they are merely friends. He admits to lunches but strictly platonic. I brought up the time they spend, the emails they share, the lunches, the drinks, and the parties. He insists it is all nothing. I believe him. Or at least I want to and he is so damn convincing!

He told me he missed me and things weren't the same without me. We were intimate. It felt so good and he was a little rough but then it didn't feel so good. Because as usual not in a private place, no time really, and I need more. And because I know that it will change tomorrow.

We talked about this. I needed to be clear that this is not enough. He said he would be having more time soon and we will do things more.

I just don't know. In the moment, everything feels so right, so good but that goes away as soon as it ends. I think about all of the discrepancies, broken promises, and things she told me and I can't just believe him.

I feel like I need that light. I need to come out of the dark but there is so much I just dont know and can't figure out what is real or not.

I wish I had more to work with. There is just enough doubt to make me guess all of the time.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hi, I'm still here, still going through the same feelings and hell!!

I'm having all the same patterns repeated, for the last four weeks he has been evasive again.

I always seem to be here on a Tuesday, that's because I get worked up on a Tuesday, thats because he has always had that day with her while I was tucked up safely at work!

I am going through absolute hell! I know he saw her today, he then saw me, I questioned him, he denied everything again and keeps doing so, and I keep being reeled back in! he has gone from being quite casual in his dress sense to doing the weekly shop in his very best clothes, cologne, on a diet, all the usual red flags, but is not doing any of it for me!

He keeps coming up with excuses not to see me, yet wants to ensure I am there in the background, only comes back full on to me when I question him or back away.

His other woman will be away for a while and I knnow he will be coming on to me!

Why the hell am I still allowing this?

I can predict his every move, every word and exactly when he will move towards me!

I have studied every single site I can, I know what he is, I know how his head works, he knows I know, and plays on it.

I love him , yet I don't like him, sometimes I want to knock that smug smile off his face, yet I could never hurt him.

Just the sheer fact that he thinks I am stupid and don't notice all these patterns makes me feel sick, and here I am allowing it to happen.

I am getting to the point where I want to hurt him, to make him feel like I do, I know the one thing which will do this is if I ignore him, so why can't I do it?

I make the decision every day that this will be the last time I answer him, then I make the decision to tell him it's over, then I change my mind, then I think okay, maybe we can just be friends.

I can't be just his friend, he hurt me too much in the past.

There is nothing real happening between us, it is all just fantasy and hanging on to what was before, I know it won't ever go back to that, and yet I still wait and hang on to crumbs.

Something has to give before I crack up, if I don't get help soon I think I may kill him!!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Ataloss, ask yourself, what IS real in your life? Identify that, and hold onto it. You are NOT going to kill him. Turn away from him and focus on your family. May you find the strength and resolve you need.


Roberta 4 years ago

I wish there was a site where people could list the names of sociopaths they've survived. It might save others a bunch of pain.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Absolutely and Ataloss,

I relate to you both so much as I was in your position.

In the words of Robert Kennedy about his slain brother John F Kennedy, "Some people see things as they are and ask why, dream of things that never were and ask why not?"

As a survivor I can say I asked why not, broke free and believe me when I say once you are free the world shall be your oyster.

As always I pass along strength and positive thoughts, break free and see what the world has to offer you.

All the best and God Bless.

Special thanks to Silva for this hub so we may all share our stories and gain strength from the sharing.

As stated in the Peter Pan stories, life is about setting your course to that second star to the right and straight on till morning.


tears 4 years ago

I cant sleep right now,..should, have two be up for my two daughters 3 and 11years old in a couple of hours. He is oversees right now, just in Europe. I couldnt go. My travel was daied by military due my social worker vists. As absurd as it sounds its true. I've visted a social worker to keep my sanity, living with him, going through everything all of you write about here. I have no family in States, no friends (wonder why...). I wanted to go back to Europe, get a job I deserve and make that final move...didnt work, worked for him. Im going through THE LIFEs HELL regardless he is here or there. He always finds the way 'to scrape me off more'. I cant work right now, there is nobody here to help me with kids, I feel so alone and isolated. Head over the phone yesterday afternoon , he divorces me followed by hanging up, then wasnt picking up the phone..I called billion of times; he picked up the phone and told me he makes another drink (he is a functional alcoholic in acomplete denial)and hang up again. I felt like NOBODY being his wife, a piece of garbage (which I was called in the past). I broke in pieces inside and was calling again, my voice was so full of pain when he picked up the phone again, heard he recorded me. Then he just let me know he called the police on me, to make sure child is fine . The police chief came and left of course.

I was calling and calling and kept being ignored. In the final conversation heard ' prepare to sign that f*** paper and think about custody'. He repeats always, he will take kids away from me. The pain I feel right now is so immense and excrutiating. I know so far after years he can convince anybody to his truth..its terrifying. I feel life a 'frame of a woman" I was.

I remember I loved my life, was surrounded by friends,traveled alot, and dreamed about that special someone, I will meet one day and dedicate my life to. I have different 'dreams 'now...nightmares, ivolving him, his alcoholic friends, women..etc

Every day and night is like an "internal terror" to go through.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

You are going through a terrible time. Please, do your best to focus on your children and their safety and emotional well-being. If you continue in this state of mind you will lose your children. Do your utmost to concentrate your attention and concern on yourself and your kids, not on him. Contact a women's shelter in your city and see what help they can offer.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Thanks Miratraveller and Silva, your word are truly helpful.

I feel like I am car stuck in the mud. Spinning my wheels over and over again but getting nowhere. Everytime I feel like, "this is it, I am telling him it is over" I see him, he charms me so easily, explains it all away, and makes me forget everything. I fall in love all over again. But then, as little as an hour later, I am feeling miserable again. Thinking about all of the scenarios. Where he is, who he is with, what lies he told me today, how can I catch him, etc.

He goes from the charming man to a cold, quiet, and evasive man in minutes. We had such a lovely day and night on Tuesday. Everything was just about right. He gave me so much attention and love and intimacy.

The next day he was different. He hardly talked to me. Then when I saw him, circumstances prevented us from being alone. I know he knew that this was going to happen. He knows ahead of time. He also knew he would be alone with her. Once he knew there was no chance for us, he turned it off for me and up for her. He said he was free for some time in the afternoon and disappeared. He was out of contact. He stayed late at work that night. Something was not right.

This morning I called him on it. I asked where he was during the day and why he was at work late. He avoided answering and when he finally did answer, he made a joke about it. I dont see him today. I am sure he has it all planned out since I am gone. It is so upsetting to think that when I am not around or available he goes running to her and vice versa. We mean nothing. I know this. But yet I want his love, his acceptance. I don't know why I need this validation or to prove I am the one he wants.

We have moments where I feel so close to him. We share thoughts and stories and feelings and I think everything is just right. Intimately, he has gotten much better and only makes me want it to happen in a private place more. He can and has made me feel special and happy. But he has also made me feel so unwanted, and so alone.

I hate questioning him. But there are too many loose ends and it is making me crazy. I just want to know. The insistence that he is not with anyone else makes me thinks I am mistaken. But then he is flirting with her, sending texts all of the time, going to lunch, she is there from morning to night next to him, and he is evasive. He will say that he does text her but not as much as he does with me. He will say he does go to lunch with her but not as much as he does with me. But I say, yes but I am fucking you, and supposedly she isnt!

I am considering using a hidden camera just so that it cant be explained away. Photos are not action. I want sound and images. But I am afraid that I may not like what I find. The other reason I have considered this is because If I ever do walk away for good, I am afraid of what he will say or do. I want some sort of leverage.

He is always telling me I need to trust. I know that trust is huge but how can I? I want to and every day this is a struggle. I try to trust him but then he goes and does something to make me question him. He should behave in a way where I dont have to question his trust.

Why can I be so sure that I need to go and that he is treating me wrong and yet I get near him and I can't resist his charms? Why is he so capable of convincing me that he is right and I am wrong? I don't understand why this happens.


ataloss 4 years ago

Hi Assolutely, and everyone else.

I suppose the only answer is NOT to have the contact. That is what all the relevent sites say to do, that this is the only way to get rid of it all.

I understand that you are in the same frame of mind as me.

You have more than me, you have a physical side to things too, I don't.

I know without a doubt (when I am not with him) that I am right, he is contacting the other woman (he gets our texts mixed up somtimes) I know he is meeting her as well, I know what days of the week, I have a roundabout good idea which area.

I still hang on to one percent chance that it may be ME who is paranoid, he denies any of it, yet face to face, I feel he is lying, he can't look straight at me!

Months ago I heard them making out together, I stood outside the door, not daring to enter, fearing what I would walk into, but I was frozen to the spot, just stood there listening, wehn I did enter that room, I knew I was not wrong, the way they glanced at each other confirmed it for me.

When I confronted himn later that day, he went into a frenzy and questioned my mistrust of him.

It was so convincing that I ended up questioning myself.

Every interaction between them after that in my presence, and all his communication times changed to her schedule, it was so blatantly obvious to me that I predicted when I would hear from him, every single day.

He has STILL continued to contact me (it goes in patterns according to her availability) to this day, swearing to me that I am the love of his life, the only one, and all the usual bulls'''''t.

He hasn't asked me to meet him properly in our old place for four months, then out of theblue two weeks ago, he did, why? because she was out of town for the day!!! I had an idea he would ask,,,,, I was right, again!

I didn't meet him that day, I just could not bring myself to go, I knew he would reel me back in, I knew I would come away feeling devastated again, but here I am still answering him, still doubting him, and still knowing that he only wants me when she is not available.

I am stuck between wanting to tell him to leave me alone, and can't do it because I know he will?????????

I want him to have the decency to tell me himself that I have been right all along, but he will never do that.

I feel like I am stuck in a time wharp, this man is no good for me, he gives me nothing, nothhing at all, so what the hell am I hanging on for???


Absolutely 4 years ago

Ataloss,

Our stories are almost identical. Everytime I read your entries, my heart sinks. I know exactly how you are feeling and have experienced all of the same things.

Today I ended up seeing him briefly. I was angry and distant and sad. I didnt even talk to him. He got angry and questioned ME about where I was, what I was doing. He was placing blame on me. Meanwhile, I have done nothing to deserve that.

I told myself I would not cave. Well, what does he do...he turns up the charm. Tries everything to get me talking, does that stare that looks through me with such heat that I am sucked in. It is disturbing how easily he can look at me and make me soften. I still tried to resist. But he came up behind me and grabbed me. It was aggressive and hot. I let him. I didnt stop him. He pleasured me right there in a public place. What is wrong with me? I know he is not being honest with me. He was hiding something today. Asking me where I was and what times. I think he needed to make sure I didnt know anything. How crazy right?

At least you were strong enough not to go when he asked. How did you know she was out of town if you no longer work together? My man does the same thing. Whenever one of us is away, he turns up the attention. I know this.

I also asked for him to tell me- no matter what. He insists he will but I doubt that.

You hang on because of the hold they have on us. It is so hard to walk away. so hard.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hello again,

He does not work with me now, SHE still does, I know her schedules evey day, she knows mine.

He only tells me his when I push him, and he has lied about some of them, I have known because of some of the times he has contacted me but not until the actual day.

I saw him yesterday for a short time, I know he had been to see her prior to him meeting me. There is somewhere he goes, a place she often goes to as well, she has let me know she goes there and when she has been, he has slipped up in conversation that he has been there, I can't prove they actually met, but it would be ridiculous to think not. He arrived to see me having already been in that area, in his best clothes.

I was wearing my sunshades, he asked me to take them off becasue he couldn't see my eyes and therefore didn't

know what mood I was in!!! In other words, he couldn't mirror me today!

I more or less gave him an ultimatum, pointed out all of my suspicions, I got all the ususal answers, denials and promises for the future.

I am now finding it very difficult to answer him when he texts me, I don't know what to say, I get the same words from him over and over, but no asking to see me (yesterday was a fluke)i actually sit and read his texts for an hour or two and have to think about what to say back to him, half of me wants to ignore it and the other half which is clinging on to hope wants to send a barrage of verbal abuse for what he has put me through

I know though that it would not be of any use so I just humour him.

If I could just get the image of his face out of my head, I think I would be okay but I can't.

He mirrored me so perfectly for a year and a half that to me it felt we were like twins.

In all the photos we had taken together, we look perfect for each other, our smiles, the way our heads are tilted, that is how well he mirrored my expressions.

I was sat with him one day, we were laughing about something and then I saw it,,,,,,,,, he made a face exactly like she does, it was like I was watching her, and that was one of the things which confirmed it for me.

I do know I have to let this go it has made me ill, I have never loved anyone in my life the way I loved him, when I tell myself he has a disorder, I still do love him so much, but then I remember something he said or did and I snap back to reality, and back to the things I know I never imagined, they really happened.

I can't allow myself to be made a fool of any longer, I have to come to terms with the fact that none of it was real, only built on lies and mistrust.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I wasnt going to answer again so soon but I just had to.

My jaw dropped to the floor when you mentioned the sunglasses. I was wearing sunglasses today and he asked me to take them off. He said he couldnt see my eyes. How freaky is that?! He had to read me since I was so upset. He also cant see if I am watching him. He can watch me without even looking at me.

And the facial expressions that he makes are just like hers. He even laughs like her. But I have also noticed that he mimics me too. And shares songs that I love with her. I brought candy in and he likes a certain kind but when he learned what my favorite was, the next time he made it like it was always his favorite. He has convinced other women to bring him food that he likes, to wear clothing that he likes, etc. He is very charming and controls it all.

I too feel like a fool a lot of the time. That is the worst. I feel like if he were playing me and I found out or he admitted it or just left me- it would be easier. But because he convinces and insists nothing is wrong and I allow him to reel me in and I believe him, I feel like a fool.

Crazy the sunglass thing. Really crazy.


Ataloss 4 years ago

I think this coincidence just proves that we are both dealing with the same disordered personality, if you had said you lived in England I would have asked your name by now!

Every single detail is exactly the same, the favourite sweets, cakes, songs, everything, all designed to build connections and closeness with whoever he has his eye on right now! Mine has done the same, all of it.

I can relate to you wanting to hide cameras, etc.

I can tell you according to your state of mind, even if you did have audio proof, you would still allow him to convince you that you are wrong! Even if you played it back to him, there is no point, and also it would be risky for you in the workplace so please don't consider it, you will only add to your worries.

I am in the process of hiring a P.I. I can't go on like this any longer, that one percent that I may be wrong is pulling too hard at me.

It's scaring the hell out of me, but I am convinced that I will be told what I have always known and therefore it will be worth every penny.

I feel really heartbroken that I have come this far and come to this decision, but it is the only thing which will relase me from this mess and allow me to move on and let go.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Today I knew he would be alone with her and I was going to test him to see if he would reject me or not. We both had time and I suggested we go to our place. He said no. I called him on it. Saying the reason was because they were alone. He got defensive. I ended our meeting early because I was upset. Then he wanted to talk. Said he doesn't like plans or schedules. Then he agreed to let me give him oral. He definitely was a little soft and took longer. When I finished he said see? I said see what? Not as excited.

I told him I need more. I need to go somewhere. he says we will but I just don't believe it. I find he makes jokes about being with her to deflect.

Hiring a p.I is understandable. But the man I am with is so good at concealing. Finds places where no one can see or he can stop if someone walks in. That's why we never go anywhere. And if we do meet it is on his terms and last minute. Very hard to get proof. And he likes risk. Knowing someone is coming gets him excited.

I am not feeling good today knowing he may have been with her before me. He has no guilt, no morals, even says he doesn't care if he gets caught with me at work.

I just want to know! I want more!

Another day of depression for me.


Can'tbelieveit 4 years ago

I must say some of this has been tough to read. I agree most with TRUTH's comments in all of this.

Ataloss and Absolutely, I was involved with a sociopath on and off for six years. It's not like I don't know the drill. HOWEVER, I didn't need proof he was messing around and once I had even what approximated enough of a suspicion for me, that was it. I don't care how much I imploded or what kind of nervous breakdown I had, that was just it. I was NOT going to be a part of that.

You've been told the truth here. These sociopaths don't care. They're not capable of real love or telling the truth. It's not in their DNA. You're both trying to plug something into a wall where there is no socket.

Also, I am quite disconcerted that at least one of you is married in your own right and involved with a married man. This to me just, well, nevermind.

I've enjoyed reading this blog except that for some of the back and forth between Ataloss and Absolutely - I think an email exchange might have been more appropriate. JMHO.

The only GOOD advice I can offer has already been stated here. NO CONTACT. Change your phone number, change your residence, block emails, block texts and if worst comes to worst, change jobs.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I hear what you are saying Cantbelieveit. However, you do say you were in a relationship with a sociopath on and off for 6 years. So, you do understand how hard it is to walk away. It isn't so cut and dry. It is complicated, messy, and while feelings may not be involved for the sociopath, the victim has many feelings involved.

I think the blog is helpful due to its anonymity and people who are in these messy situations sometimes need a place to talk and vent and listen to others stories and advice. I have had a lot of back and forth with Ataloss due to the incredible similarities. But I also value the opinions and experiences of others and if my story can help others to see how crazy it all is and perhaps even see that getting out is really the only way- then maybe it is helpful to someone.

I come on here and see if ataloss or others have found the strength and I hope that it may give me more courage to walk away.

I have had a mini revelation the other day. I was still hoping for something more from him and all I got was more of the same. I got excuses for not wanting to go somewhere with me. I called him on it. He got defensive and had a lot of reasons why. And then he pleasured me- like to wash it all away. But would not let me do a thing to him. And then I went home, confused and sad again and did a lot of thinking. And then it all sort of hit me. Like a light turned on. I can't explain it. But I went back and analyzed everything and realized the times we went somewhere private was only when she was out of town or away. This is from the past few months because last summer we went all of the time. It wasnt until she found out about it all that things changed. He takes me to lunch only when he knows she isnt around. Why didn't I put this together before? And one day I came in to the meeting room and they were both chewing gum. The only time he ever offers me gum is after we do the deed. They were both happy and suspicious. His neck was flushed. Duh. He always wears the same color shirt when they are together. How odd. And The few times I ended up not going somewhere on a work day, he questioned my whereabouts and schedule. He got defensive. I questioned him on a few occasions about his whereabouts and who he was with. He got so angry at me and threw things at me. One weekend he showed up unexpectedly at work and I happened to be there. He was wearing "the shirt" and picked a huge fight with me. He always seems to be more available when she is having her period and less the days after.

I feel done. I havent felt this way without crying or second guessing myself before. I feel like he has had a year and a half to do the right thing and hasn't. He makes lots of statements but never follows through. I wait for some token of affection, some gesture, some statement but it never comes. He makes excuses as to why they always have meetings late and on the weekends. And I told him yesterday, why are you always making excuses for her? I know she stays late and on weekends when her husband is out of town. I know she does it to see him. And you know what? I am better than this. I deserve more. It is time for him to see what it is like to be rejected and to see how happy I can be without him.

I wanted his approval, love, and acceptance for so long. But why? I can do better. He spoke of such amazing sexual things but never showed them to me. He has said he doesn't care about anything. He is who he is and that good enough for him. OK. He said the other day he didnt care if he got caught with me. Big deal he said. But months ago he said he couldnt risk his job and would never be with anyone at work and was taking a big leap with me. I asked him about that. Says he cant remember and so what if he did.

This week is a busy week at work and I think I can keep my distance and try to break away. I have some insurance to use if I need it to prove certain things that happened. I hope I dont have to use it but I have it just in case. I will not have this turned on me. I know from reading other posts that things can take a turn for the worse and be blamed on me.

I am going to hold my head high this week, be the beautiful woman I know I am, and stop living in the dark. Nothing is worth all of the time and pain I have allowed myself to endure.


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Dear Absolutely,

One of the statements in a recent post by you (not the one from today) truly made me feel physically ill, because it plainly made me realize how this man you are involved with has taken your self esteem from you.

The particular sentence I am referring to is when you said, "Then he agreed to LET me give him oral." Really? So you initiated this, and he had to give his permission to 'allow' it? All I have is one word - CONTROL. Over you.

The things you are waiting on with him would make sense, IF

you were with a normal man. This is why I think its so difficult for victims to wrap their heads around the fact that a Sociopath is the equivalent of a ROBOT. Because we, being emotional, feeling, empathetic normal humans capable of love, cannot imagine living a life where we would we walk around taking, smashing and stomping anything into pieces which stands in our way. Breaking people down just for the hell of it. Jumping from relationship to relationship like a frog on a lilypad....with no regard for the destruction left in our wake. Living scott-free while the folks who were unfortunate enough to give us a chance, to love us and let us walk on them, are stuck with taking care or our kids, thousands of dollares in debt, dealing with foreclosed homes and repossessed vehicles.

So, who could do the things I mentione to another human being? A ROBOT.

I see that you are still making an attempt to 'call him out' on lying? Are you recognizing the fact that he merely turns it on you? Creates doubt in YOUR mind, and then treats YOU as if YOU did something wrong? I can also tell you that my exhusband used to call me at work a million times a day - and it never occurred to me that he was checking up on me to make sure I wasn't following HIM. He even went so far as to ask if I had "come home on my lunchbreak" because he had "heard something weird in the house."

Paranoid much?

Anyway, in closing, I think CantBelieveIts advice is dead on: you need to cut the cord on this deal.

Do you have someone who can come and stay with you for the weekend, and talk you through it? Even though that doesn't take away the pain, if he texts or calls, you have someone right there with you to help you not answer it etc. Even though talking doesn't always solve things, it often helps when you are struggling with issues.....so maybe you can ask a friend for help? It will be a longer process of course, but you have to start somewhere.

Turn on the light.

~M


dazed and confused 4 years ago

Hi all

I have read some of your blogs. I have a story to tell of a sociopaths currently in my life. A cowker who wanted to pimpo me out.

We will start with him. Mr s did not show up until six months after I started work. He was gone because of a car accident. I began to notice that Mr. s started to pay attention to me after I filed a grievance on my boss. He made suggestions of drinking. They had set it up to make me think that if I did not go they treat you like crap. So to fit in I went. And that is how it started out. Mr s. was telling rumors about me and another coworker saying that this one was in love with me. I was mad and told people that it's not the case because this person was gay. This person mr s says was in love with me was allready accused of being gay by other people. Before this mr s. was telling people that I wanted to have sex with him and everything else. It was a nightmare because I had to work there and people were being mean to me. I tried to ignore it. I was also the only female there for the most part.I did not know I was being manipulated because my mother died when all of this was going on. I wanted it to stop so one night after work mr. s. says we are going drinking. I find out a few things and I told himn to fuck off. When he dropped me off I confronted him about the rumors and something bad happened after. Since mr. s could not 'perform' I had to. I told him three times I did not want to but he threatened me. The silence went on and he used my daughter to get to me. He also made himself out to be a drug dealer before he went to work and people had conversations around me saying he had the ability to kill. Mr. s was showing me pictures of coffins in the newspaper and he was telling me he wanted to pimp me out. He also made himself out to be a pedophile and when I researched his personality and pshclocgical harassment I figured everything out. I kept a diary of things that happened at work and I had conversations with my shop steward. I wanted help with this but since it was a male dominated warehouse no one helped me. Only a selcted few would confirm my issues. I finally took my daiary and myself top the union office. i gave them everything and so far mr. s has not been held accountable for anything. I did not understand why but I have another party now involved. I do not know how it is going to turn out. I am in a mess. I convinced my union what happened. It's pretty bad because the company was treating me the same way. Making me out to be a liar and evrything else.


Absolutely 4 years ago

3 days strong. The light just gets brighter and brighter. Doing a lot more thinking and realizing that everything was so blatantly obvious. Why did I turn the blinders on for so long? The things I remember have been coming back and fit together so perfectly.

I walked in on them once and she was adjusting her bra and shirt, he walked away from her. Another time they were standing so close and I have been in that same position and he would usually touch my chest. He questioned my whereabouts lately, getting very defensive, and clearly to see if I knew anything or had the opportunity to see anything. The time he came in on the weekend and fought with me(projection since he was caught), the time he denied being with her on the weekend after I saw their cars(again fought with me), never going with me to our place when she was in town, how I used to call him on his cell phone and then he told me not to(clearly because she was there), the song similarities, the shared stories, the outrageous outfits she clearly wears for him, and now all of the extra time they are spending at work together. It is so clear now.

Hanging on to hope that he will feel something, feel badly, actually care about me, is such a waste of time. He will never, ever be capable of that. That has also become crystal clear.

It still hurts like hell to watch him continue his escapades but knowing who he is and how he isnt capable of giving her anything either- makes it a little easier. I actually lived my life yesterday. Didn't spend all day and night thinking, waiting for his contact, etc. I didnt email him all day long. I was with my family and it was nice.

Hoping I can continue to stay strong and finally break free.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I too hope that you can continue to stay strong and break free!


Miratraveller 4 years ago

Absolutely,

I as well hope you continue to stay strong and get on with living.

There will be a healing process for sure, but you will see how promising life can be once free of their hold on you.

God Bless


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

YAY Absolutely!!!!!!!!!!

As MiraTraveler said, it will be a process for you, but, "the journey of a million miles begins with the FIRST step."

You will struggle, but you WILL push through it. With all of your being you must remember to NOT give him anymore access to your heart and even moreso your mind. They are now yours once again, so keep them safe.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Your post brought a tear to my eye tonight. Keep us posted here, and KEEP THE LIGHT ON, GIRL!

With pride in you,

~M


Absolutely 4 years ago

Day 4. Still Strong : ).

Yesterday, was a challenge. It is usually my day with him. But I kept my head and despite having moments of weakness, I did stay away.

He even called me in the evening to come and meet him but I was out with others and I made sure I carpooled so that I did not have my own car. This was crucial.

Feeling blue today but know that it will pass and the light will only get stronger.

It is all up to me now.

Thank you all for your support. It is definitely giving me the strength.


Truthseeker 4 years ago

Absolutely,

AWESOME. You are doing a wonderful job. Stay on that path girl, and do NOT look back.

Remember, that when it gets tough - TALK through it with a trusted friend. Seriously. This will help you release what is pent up in you, and allow you to put another day/week/month under your belt.

I am so incredibly proud of you, you have no idea! :) :) :)

Keep us posted......

~M


Absolutely 4 years ago

Day 6...It is getting easier as each day passes but I do have moments of tremendous sadness and anger. Lingering hopes, lingering doubts, but strength to see past that. He has proven to me that I am doing the right thing. He has made no effort to make things right, so that alone tells me that I am correct in my assessment.

As a matter of fact, I think he has a new victim and therefore, I was the one on the way out anyway. He thinks I dont know where he goes, how he does it, and how often- but I know. Every time he walks down a corridor, he makes an attempt to touch someone. Every time, he has a break-he either calls or meets someone, every time he is alone in the meeting room-he seizes the opportunity, every time he leaves late-it is a possibility. He thought by emailing me when he left work that it would prove he was going home- but this is not true. He has called me after work to meet.

It now disgusts me to think how many women he has done this to and how many he was with while with me.

I see him every day. He tries to joke and flirt with me but to what end? He lies all of the time and flirts with others in front of me. He has no shame. THe other woman is either too stupid to see or doesnt care. I am not sure which. I actually think she doesnt care. I think she is fine with it. She gets things from it- benefits from work, sex, and someone to boost her ego.

I am starting to feel detached about the whole thing and even feeling ready to move jobs. Why let him parade his women and his BS around in front of me? Let him wonder how I am doing for a change.

He hasnt completely given up on me yet. He still throws out promises, tries to touch me often, and says he cares but I dont buy into any of it. It is all BS. It won't happen, never has, never will.

I still do love him despite all of these feelings and thoughts and I know I have this weakness. He charmed me so deeply that I just cant pretend I dont still have these feelings. But I have gotten to a point of disappointment, disgust, anger, and just plain sadness that I cant continue on with this anymore.

Holding strong and getting stronger every day. The light isn't so bad and gets better every day. Thanks again for the support. Hoping Ataloss is making some strides too.


sunflower 4 years ago

I need help from you folks. I am so confused. I do believe that my ex-husband is a sociopath. I get confused by reading some of the blogs about them cheating. I don't believe he has cheated. He has done a lot of lying about money and other things.

I have read some of the signs about a sociopath. He fits the bill to a tee. Maybe I am just being hopeful that he really isn't one. Do they cry? Can they cry or is it an act? I paid for everything, I paid mortgage, lights, gas, food, car insurance, telephone. I worked two jobs while he worked one and never had a money to help. He son got into trouble and had to go to court, he made me take his son, he would not get out of bed to help his own child.

I found large sums of money, he denied that it was his. I am reading what I am typing and can't even believe that I can still have feelings for him. I guess that is why I am writing, hoping that someone else in this situation can confirm that he is actually a sociopath. Please help with your comments and suggestions


Christa 4 years ago

Nice work, Absolutely!!!!!!!!!! I have broken free, it's been almost 3 weeks now, and although I have had ups and downs, time only makes it better. I have been "blogging" and that helps me get my thoughts out of my head to see how crazy this guy really is.

Also, for understanding these types, you should read the Without Conscience (Robert Hare) and the 48 Laws of Power. The latter is cold and ruthless, but can help you understand an offensive personality and prepare to defend and take control of your own life. YOU CAN DO IT!!


sunflower 4 years ago

Thank you for your suggestions and support. I will pick up the book this weekend.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Day 7...a moment of weakness. He grabbed me and kissed me today. At first I didn't fight it but then i stopped it from continuing. I just said not enough for me and walked away. He made grand promises of when and where and made statements of its only me and no one else. That he would be with me before all others.

He is so damn charming, I find it so intoxicating. But I know the truth. Even today, all of the emails from her, all of the inappropriate conversations, the songs, it is there. I even said today I know what is happening, it is crystal clear. He didn't even ask what I meant. While every so often I think maybe they aren't physical and it's just all talk but then I realize that that's ridiculous.

I am trying really hard not to allow myself to fall back into this game. His lips felt so good but that is just not enough anymore. Luckily, I now have two days to build up the strength again.


SoBroken 4 years ago

I'm really I happy found this blog. I've read up tons of ASPD and Sociopath in the last 3 yrs.

I was with an ex in 2005 and things were just not right, He cheated on me in 2010 and I left him. That's a long story,and I'm not here for that. I'm here because I was just in another relationship with someone who had diagnosed ASPD.

I'm a smart, beautiful and wonderful person and have had therapy over the years and am also in Al Anon (ex from 2005 is an alcoholic), so I have/had enough tools to know better, but I still picked a guy who is a sociopath.

I met him on line March 2011. We met in person and I knew he seemed a little off, but He was really good looking so I thought he would just be cool to hang with.

On our first ever phone convo, he revealed to me he lived with a girl I knew from high school for 2 yrs. This girl is so mentally not well, that should have been my first sign. Then he opened up to me about his past. He was in prison and off for crimes since the age of 15. He also committed major crimes like bank robbery, 2nd murder of the pedophile who molested him at 15 (he served 2 yrs). drug dealing and many other crimes.

He has ADHD and told me the prison psych diagnosed him with Anti Social Personalty. I was taken aback since he seemed to show empathy and guilt for things.

I ignored this and continued to see him. He was also elusive, breaking plans, or showing up at 1am for sex etc.

I was ok with it because I had no feeling for him. But like a typical women/codependent, I started to get attached to the bad boy and the sex.

This went on for 4 months. He added me to FB after the 1st month together and I was appalled at the sh^t he posted, but nope, didn't stop me from seeing him.

Then 4 months in, some pics of him and I kissing were tagged on his wall.

He took it down so fast and told me "I don't want my family to know my personal business"

Then BANG, I figured it out. He had a girlfriend and had one the entire time he was seeing me.

I confronted him about it and he told me they were on and off for 2 yrs and when we met, they were off. He was falling for me and didn't want to lose me.

Well I didn't buy it and told him we were over and we can just be friends (without sex). That went on for 8 weeks and I lost total interest in him. He would still come around here and there at events to see me, but I was done.

He knew I had started to date.

Then back in Nov, his GF found all his txt to me and they had a huge fight, but she didn't leave him. She knew about me but told her we were done, but she also knew about 3 other women he cheated on her with.

Sounds charming right?

Well then he leaves her and calls me 2 days later and says he's falling for me and can we try to make a relationship work.

I was like "NO WAY" and over the weeks, he convinced me he never cheated on any other woman but her.

I believed him.....sorta!

He was being so attentive and my feelings for him came back.

We gave it a go and never did I see signs of him cheating or lying, but things still were off.

Then 2 months ago, we started to fight a lot, he stopped wanted to see me as much and got mean with me.

All the signs he was maybe back on the prowl.

He would always accuse me that I was going to leave him for someone else and maybe cheating on him.

So to make a long story short. 3 weeks ago I told him I was not happy and maybe we needed a break. Two nights later, I drove by his house and his car was gone. He never goes out late EVER. I txt him to ask him what was up and he called me right away and said he was out grabbing a bite.

I knew he was lying. The convo was tension filled and then he dumped me said "I don't see us every going anywhere and it's over"

But he still txt and called me daily and wanted to see me.

I saw him 2 days after he said it was over and then told him I could not see him only as a "friend"

He pretty much cut me off. I was crying and saying "how can you do this, Don't you love me".

But he still called and txt me. Told me he loves me etc

Now having said all this, I need to add, we had a fight back in Feb and I went on a singles web site for 4 days. I never told him, but told him about it 3 weeks after I did it. He seemed ok with it, but then used that as the excuse for ending it.

He's also gotten verbally abusive with me the last 4 weeks saying he "Wants to punch me" and "You make me more mad than I ever felt in a prison sell"

He would always tell me "I'm a really sick person you know"

I mean WTF, how did I get with this man? How is it now I am devastated than he ended it and wants NOTHING to do with me?

He told me he was a sociopath, but I struggled because he had empathy and talked often about the pain he caused his ex who he cheated on.

He has really shallow emotions and was so unloving to me.

Yet I stayed. What the hell is wrong with me?

He's not he first man I've had a relationship with who is mentally unsound.

I'm in my late 40's and really should now better.

I'm CRUSHED!!!

I'm typing this out and am EMBARRASSED I was with him.

He was boring, always unhappy, never once spoiled me, nurtured me, showed me any signs of affection and I stayed and am now feeling so sad he left?!

Can anyone talk me through this!


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Hi Sunflower,

You can try the book 'The Sociopath Next Door' too, I have that one.

Absolutely,

So glad to hear that you are still on the up & up, even though it continues to be a struggle. Keep in mind that he will continue to make his lame a** attempts to convince you that he is legit. However, as you mentioned you are much wiser now.

Also, don't be embarrassed to admit that you still have feelings for him. Its the nature of being a human. However, its only YOUR feelings for him which were genuine, but you already know that.

Also, the Sociopath tends to keep victims separate - this way the web of lies he spins for each of you can't be compared to each other. Its very likely that he has told this other woman at work that you are a "stalker" or that he "just wants to be friends" but you wont take the hint. Its likely much more derogatory than this, but they are simple examples. How else would he be able to get 2 women who work in the same bldg EVERY day from talking to each other, and discovering the truth about him??? This tactic I know from personal experience: my sociopath ex husband was sleeping with someone from 'work' (he didn't have a damn job, it was all a hoax) whom he claimed was his supervisor. Funny, but he never wanted to answer the phone when she called and he was with me. He even went to far as to tell me that she was 1 of 4 people in the US who can issue a "kill order". (Ie, they work for the govt and can have someone killed at will.) All of this BS just to keep me from calling her! Meanwhile he told HER that we were in the process of divorcing (we had only been married less then 8 mos at this point), that he was only wearing his wedding ring as a 'formality' until the divorce was finalized, and that he had moved out of OUR home (MINE actually) but was still "paying all of the bills" for me. LOL. Not one single piece of that is true. You know how I learned of all of this? By calling HER!! I was super embarrassed, but oh well. SHE was actually the nail in his coffin.

Another one of the sociopathic tactics to take the focus off of HIM, where it belongs....

Anyhow Absolutely, I am glad to hear you walked away from his advance. Do you know how an alligator kills their victim? They grab their prey in their powerful jaws and begin a 'death roll': spinning the victim underwater until they drown before they even know what hit them.....

So, keep your distance as so many of us have suggested here before, and don't allow him to prey on you anymore.

You are doing so well now, keep it up!

Sending strength and power your way,

~M


sunflower 4 years ago

Hi Truthseeker,

Thank you for the support. I will keep reading and blogging. I am so happy for this website. Most of all thank you for sharing your stories.


Absolutely 4 years ago

Day 9...today I am feeling angry. I just want revenge. I want him to feel pain. I want him to know what he has done to me and feel the same things I am feeling. But I know he feels nothing and that I can never have the satisfaction of making him feel anything.

He truly believes that he is getting away with it all. He thinks I dont know that they are meeting. Today they both came in to work early. He knew the meeting room was empty at that time and would be busy the rest of the day. He rushed off email and I even said- I knew why. I dont care anymore.

He feels that he has a right to just grab me, touch me, kiss me whenever it works for him. Even when I am so clearly pissed and do not want to have anything to do with him, he takes it as a challenge. Yesterday, others around me noticed I was not in a good mood. Yet I think he takes it as a challenge. I was leaving and walked by him and he reached out and grabbed me hard. It was like he had to touch me and assert his control. I just kept walking.

He is so up and down all of the time. One day is he flirting with me like crazy, telling me we will be together in the right place, telling me that there is no one else, telling me all of the right things, the next day he is cold, distant, and cruel. It is like we never even talked.

I can not allow myself to be treated like this a moment longer. I am hurting. I am so angry and so sad. I think it is even harder because there is no acknowledgement from him. He doesnt get that I am upset, he doesnt care that I know, he doesnt care that I am moving away from him. That I really do not matter hurts the most.

Thank you all for your advice, thoughts, and words. They are helping me to get through. Trying really hard to stay on the right path and see the light.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hi Absolutley and everyone else,

well, what a few weeks I've had, adn eys I am at the same place as you right now, I have hit that low which has made me see it for all its truth.

This man has been stringing me along for nealry eight moths with fasle promises, talk of undying love and devotion (if only he could get the time)

His other one has been away and in that time I have had only text and phhoen contact and nearly every single text has had odd predicted words in which refer to her.

Every night I have had sentences which are blatantly obvious he has her on his mind (or he wants me to think so)It has been a week of hell for me, and yet a week of realisation.

He actually told me he was listening to a song and thinking of me. That song was not one which we have ever mentioned between us, but IS one of HER favourites!

I told him I'd had enough he then bombarded me with all the usual talk. I'm wrong, he is deeply in love with me, can't get me out of his head, never felt like this about anyone in his life.

But the sick SOB can't find time to see me face to face.

I've had to listen to her telling me all about her trip, mentioning things which he had already metnioned to me in my texts, even descriptions of the place she has been to!

I have humoured him bexcause I am exausted now and don't have the strength or even see the point in arguing with him any longer.

I don't feel sad, I feel angry that I wasted so much time on him.

I have finally coem to the point where I can no longer answer him.

I am lucky, I no longer work with him, and from now on on my side there will be NO CONTACT!!

I am actually starting to hate him!!


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Hi Absolutely and Ataloss,

I think both of you are in the grieving process - since sadness and disbelief usually appear first, and then anger. I can tell you easily that your process is not over. Years from noe it is likely that you will have some sort of revelation about him, which will pop into your head at the most odd time, and you will think, "ooooooh, THAT'S why he lied to me about that", or "soooooo, THAT'S why it felt so awkward that time" etc. Your subconscious is doing a lot of work behind the scenes right now, trying to bring the light to the front of your minds NOW.

I know that it is difficult now, I know how much it HURTS like hell. I remeber feeling naive, embarrassed, manipulated, and worst of all, I remember questioning my own judgement. Guess what, dolls? That GUT feeling is there for a reason. Again, it is your subconscious trying to tell you: turn on the light.

You have both become fully aware of what is going on, which is an AMAZING step to breaking free. Absolutely, you mentioned that you 'not mattering' to him hurts the worst - trust me dear, try MARRYING the guy you thought was your everythingonly to find out you were simply a gravy train, a free ride for him while he screwed everything that breathed behind your back.

I know your pain, both of you. I know that it hurts now - but its almost like the both of you have been wrapped in a cocoon, blind to the truth. It can only get better from here, because a clear mind is a wise mind. You can start the view the forest without being in the CENTER of it. Each day you struggle through is another one in which YOU ARE IN CONTROL, and not HIM. There will be many discussions within your minds about what has happened to you, many rehashing of stories with friends and loved ones, many tears, many bad days, and better and better ones.

Unfortunately, we must go THROUGH something and cannot go around it - he has brought you down to a level that is hard to drag yourself up from.

Keep at it. You will never realize how GOOD life is (even at its WORST!!) Until you are in control of your own thoughts and life.

Bless you both, and please keep us up to date.

~M


Absolutely 4 years ago

Thank you Truthseeker, your words and support are really helpful. I am so sorry ataloss for what you are going through.

Day 10 and I am more angry than I was yesterday. We had a major blowout yesterday. I confronted him and he turned it all on me, made me the villain, and denied all of it. says despite their friendship, nothing is happening. And yet, the many emails in his inbox from her, the looks, the food she brings for him, all of it- can not be dismissed.

Moments later, it was like it never happened. Telling me even though he hasnt had time, he wants me and will find the time. Telling me that it is hard for him too.

Today she did everything in her power to rub it in my face. She hung around, watched him closely, made it so we could not be alone, and he couldnt stop looking over at her. Then he tells me he is working late tonight and lo and behold so is she. At that point, I walked away in anger. I did not stop to say goodbye. I mean are you kidding me? I am not stupid. Just like yesterday, the way she was dressed- I made a comment about it. He said he didnt notice! I said do you think I am a fool. You noticed. The fact that you say you didnt notice just tells me you are a liar. I questioned why she brought him food. He lied at first about it even happening. I said, are you kidding, I heard you and saw it. Then he changed his story. He lied about who was staying late tonight too. I told him I didnt understand why he needed to lie.

I am no fool and I am sick and tired of being played for one. I have laid it all on the line. He knows I know and I am not going to take it anymore. I actually had some satisfaction today because I caught him in lies. And he couldnt bs it all away.

I am waiting for him to make a move. It hasnt been able to happen because of time, circumstances and of course her. But when it does, I am ready. I am not going to be a fool for a moment longer.

He is such a FUCK. Thats the best word for him. He has a heart of ice. NO MORE. I AM DONE.


TruthSeekerAb 4 years ago

Absolutely,

Exactly WHAT move are youu looking for this jackass to make?

How about this: YOU make a move.

Also, I see that you are noting now, 'Day 10'. Of?

You are still:

~acknowledging him

~confronting him

~arguing with him

~allowing him to DOMINATE your life!!

If you else hear nothing else being said, hear this:

He is a ROBOT. Period. He doesn't care that he has been found out, doesn't care that you catch him in lies, doesn't care you are calling him out, doesn't care that you know they are together, doesn't care that you know he is f**king her, DOESN'T CARE.

Who gives a damn about my advice or anyones elses on this website - the question you might ask yourself is: when are you going to follow your OWN and cease your contact with him, Absolutely??

Remember my alligator comment? You are playing a dangerous game.

~M


Absolutely 4 years ago

You are right Truthseeker but a little harsh. I am trying here. Trying so hard to break free. I have feelings and yes I am wrapped up in this. I know he is a robot and doesnt care. But I cant help but want him to.

The lies continued today. He flat out lied to me about last night until caught. The two of them rubbed my nose in their BS. She even had the audacity to say something that clearly proved they are together sexually. Looked at me with a smirk and followed him out.

I refused contact today and gave the silent treatment. He got angry, started throwing things at me. To the point where I did break and spoke. I told him I am not a fool. I am not blind and stupid. I told him what I heard and saw and that was enough for me. He of course refused to say a thing, got angry, defensive, and made me even more angry.

He kept trying to make eye contact with that stare. I did not look at him. I refused. I know how easily that draws me in. Then it was like a switch went off and he tried to soften, tried to make it like nothing happened!! He had the nerve to comment on my undergarments.

I feel like such a fool. ANd yet despite all of this, I still hope for answers, hope for explanations- why? what the hell is wrong with me? I know and he knows if I give an inch, he will be all over me. I am sick over it all.

Both of them are so cruel. I need to make a change. I need to move jobs. I cant continue like this for a moment longer. It is killing me.

Really trying here.


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Absolutely,

You are correct, the truth is harsh. And the truth isn't meant to demean you-it is simply to point out what you may not be able to admit to yourself.

Im sure that you recall that there have been many times I said to you how hard your journey would be, how I empathized with the pain that I know you are in.

Remember - I was involved with a sociopath too. And also remember this - you have told all of us your story here. The support offered to you here can't be all butterflies and roses unfortunately.....do you know why? If you read back over your posts for the last week and a half, you may be able to detect a backwards slide. You started out very strong, and then your light has slowly dimmed. HE IS DRAWING YOU BACK IN.

Absolutely, don't get it confused by thinking I'm bashing you -quite the contrary. By being blunt with you, Im hoping that you will be able to maintain your focus. I just know that the longer you maintain contact with this man, the longer your judgement will be clouded. He will continue to rubberband you back to him.

My fear for you is that you will likely be unaware of the amount of damage that he has done to you until long after you have kicked his ass to the curb ......and the path back to normalcy is going to be quite a journey.

The stories on this site are heartbreaking, but serve to strengthen the men and women here, too.

Shared Experiences=Knowledge

Knowledge=POWER

With Light,

~M


Ataloss 4 years ago

Absolutely

I know how you are feeling, it is hell, I have been through it.

I made my decision of NO contact, and it felt like a resolution, my heart is wavering now and then but I will NOT give in, I missed that contact so much if I didn't get it, then when I did, I analysed eveery single word, I did it until none of it felt good anymore.

I don't think you are that stage yet, where you have found your own inner strength.

I can tell you that I wanted to give in and answer him so much, but I didn't and haven't, at first he left it for a day and a half, then when I didn't answer him that time he started to text again just like he had in the beginning.

Just as I predicted he would, I have still NOT answered him, and the more I don't answer him the better I feel!!

I wrote in an earlier post of having two images of him in my head, one which made me melt when In looked at it, and another which made me sad when I looked at it.

With each text I receive and ignore, I see the latter image of him in my mind, the one which made me feel sad.

As each day goes on and his texting IS getting more frequent, with every text I get, that image of him is not makiing me feel sad, it is making me realise that, when I took that snap of him, he was not looking at me sincerely, he did not have that obsession for me, he didn't have any real love in his eyes or on his face.

He was no longer mirroring ME!

That is the image I am thinking of when he reaches out for contact because I know it is only CONTACT that he craves and needs to validate HIMSELF.

I will NOT validate him, I will NOT boost his ego, give him any control over me, allow him to manipulate me.

I am worth more, and he is worth NOTHING!!

I know that the other woman is now getting the same as I did, I warned her, she denied him to me, I knew by her reactions that she was lying to me, and all I could do was wait and see and feel sorry for her, I never once felt jealousy towards her, I knew her time would come, and now she looks over at me with sadness and confusion in her eyes when her phone beeps and she reads those texts.

I also said earlier that it was easier for me because I no longer worked with him. It hasn't been any easier, she let me know with her looks and smirks that he was still contacting her,I wanted so much to hurt her for that but I have Karma to thank for that now.

You must start looking to move on to somewhere else to work, you must get rid of him, you are torturing yourself and making a fool of yourself for this cruel sick disordered Narcissistic man, and he is laughing at you every time you give in to him.

I still have moments when I remember those initial feelings and it does hurt like hell to think I was only a game and a toy to him, but I have had the last word in this now.

The way I have coped is to read one word and then say liar, sick liar!! and then delete it all.

For now, just walk into work telling yourself he is not there in that building. Don't even look in his direction, who would want to look at a monster all day long at work?

Don't hink of him as yours over her, he is not yours and he is not hers either.

He is an empty shell with no heart, no soul, no remorse, conscience, or feelings. He only fears being abandoned and that is the only thing which will give you your own power back.

Abandon him even if you think it will kill you, I promise you it won't, it will give your YOUR power back!

If you don't do this to HIm, he will do it to you, and the more you question him, the more he will push in your face what he is doing with her.

He will move more towards her if she doesn't question him and when she starts to, he will move more onto the other one.

He has made you dependent on him for validation, which is a mirror image of what he needs himself. As long as you let this go on, you will never be yourself, you will only ever be an extension of HIM.

I hope you can come to where I am soon Absolutely, I was on the point of a breakdown and putting him before my very ill mother, for which I will never forgive myself, I should have been there for her, not him.

Thankfully I can spend the last few months of her life with her, and every time I ignore him I smile a brighter smile for her each time I see her.

I will keep posting with my progress and hopefully it will help you in yours xx

Take care xx


pinkie15 4 years ago

Oh it's so hard to break away and to all who are doing it does get easier. I've known my husband since we were kids and that's the hardest part I feel as though part of my childhood has gone as well. But I'm not a screaming pitch everyday, I don't feel the need to ring him everyday and I'm not crying myself to sleep every night. I'M getting on with my life without him, yes there are times when I feel 'if only' but if he is a sociopath he won't be worrying about me and if he's not he's still a self centred man -so his loss. Good luck and thanks all of you xx


danz 4 years ago

I met a guy and he asked me if he could live at my house for awhile I said yes he paid no rent and didn't have a job I was basically keeping him and we were also In a sexual relationship.Months later I told him he had to get a job or move out and he managed to get a job within a few days as he had a friend that put in a good word for him. I found out I was pregnant before he got this job we didn't know how we felt about the pregnancy. He ended up moving out to his "bosses house" as we were arguing a lot and he wanted to "save" the relationship. One day I tried calling him and a girl answers turns out he had been cheating on me and living with this girl. He told me its not true he lies and just tells me over and over he lives with his boss even though I have proof.this girl said she would stop seeing him after speaking to me.a month later me and him got intouch he came around to my house stayed the night and talked about our baby he said again he was not with this girl she is just a friend etc a day later I call her she told me she was in a relationship and moving to a new house with him in 2 weeks apparently she was up all night crying when he was actually with me. After he found out I had spoken to her he told me he isn't seeing either of us but she also told me how he txt her and said he loved her. He was telling me he loved me that night too and how he will be their for me and our child. I ended up looking up the profile of a sociopath and he fits the discription He's used me He's lied He would get so bored so easily with me and he Would take it out on me! I'm having a child with this person and I've been truly deeply hurt. I know for sure this girl is his next victim. I have noticed that he is a known user and has strung many girls along in the past.


Absolutely 4 years ago

I failed. I let myself get caught up again. He insisted there was only me. That there was nothing or no one else. He doted on me, gave me time and attention. Made me feel the way I felt when we first started. I turned down some advances. He turned on the charm.

I started to think that I was wrong about him. I believed he wanted to make things right again.

We became intimate again. We even engaged twice- 1 hour apart. This actually worried me. Because it proved that he can be with more than 1 woman in a day. The patterns started again. The distance started again. The days he was with me were days he wasnt or couldnt be with her. The days he was not with me were days he was or could be with her.

They started joking again, she started staring at him again, they started exchanging more emails again, she started staying late a lot again. The references were the same. The confusion started again. If I hear another song that he shares with me and her, I am going to scream.

Yesterday, he was with me because she was not around and would not be around in the evening.

I know I am so stupid and weak. I had all of the proof in front of me and yet I allowed this to happen again. And he takes full advantage and she is aware of it all too. She has been trying to rub it in my face. Doing things and saying things to say she has him.

He said she even questioned him about something he said to me that was risque. Why would she even care or should it matter? If nothing is going on between them, why would it matter if he said something inappropriate?

I am so unhappy again. I need to be strong and stop this nonsense.


Taken InBya Smile 4 years ago

Sure sounds like he has you in an old Aretha Franklin song "Chain chain chain" "Chain of fools".

I guess we grow up thinking life will be great if we find the right person and then someone who does a great imitation of the right person fits the mold enough for us to ignore the obvious negatives so we can enjoy the positives.

Problem is....what if a better version of "the right person" is watching from the wings and moving on because we're so obviously caught up with the one who "isn't quite right".

Now most of the people speaking on this site seem to be dealing with the same kind of miserable relationships with the exception of this one below copied and pasted. I realize that this was posted over a year ago but this is a person who needs more attention than the rest of us. This is criminal behavior in the excess. Has anyone heard lately from the person who posted this?:"sabee 15 months ago

I know of someone who matches ALL the signs of a sociopath,which is really scary to me.I'd like to know what others think and if I should warn others of him.

This guy told me he put rat poison in his grandmothers coffee"just to see what it would do" and laughed about it as he was talking.He told me he hears voices.He has been in a mental institution as a teen.He has mentioned in a serious conversation that he thinks he would like a labotomy.He has been on several prozac like drugs to no avail,including illegal drugs.His doctor actually diagnosed him as a sociopath with a 9 yr old personality.He has abused animals.He likes to instigate things for attention and he especially loves it if he can get two people to argue while he watches.He refers to his few friends with nicknames that are putdowns,aka baldy,schnozz,etc.He married a woman just to have a big house(she's successful,he only works part time jobs).He doesn't help with chores.He criticizes the wife to his "girlfriends on the side".He's a pathological liar,especially when it comes to getting out of trouble.He has drug issues.He insults everyone he meets.He has worked in the "adult business" of escorting.Even when he's in relationships that doesn't stop him from flirting and trying to get other women to sleep with him or go on trips with him.If caught doing anything wrong he cries crocodile tears.He freely admits he will do anything for money.He even said he would marry a gay man for money.He tries to pitt people against each other when caught or if it will benefit him.He talks about sick things like"sex with baby heads".He punched a pregnant ex girlfriend in the stomach to "help her lose the baby".He makes up lies about girls phone numbers,tries to cover up ahead of time and cries or threatens suicide if caught.He talks about conning restaurants and laughs at others expense,calls everyone a moron even though he never got past tenth grade.He mocks everyone and has zero sympathy for anyone,esp.children.He says he is turned off by women who have given birth.He always tries to physically change a new girlfriend/wifes looks;i.e."Will you dye your hair for me,you need plastic surgery..."He is pompous and boasts whenever he has money and always tries to outdo and make people jealous.He will ask a girls parents about their finances early on.He also will bring up having a joint checking account early on.He has bad credit;thousands in debt/double digits!His M.O. stays the same with each new girlfriend/wife."


Lioness9876 4 years ago

Where do I begin


Lioness9876 4 years ago

Where do I begin. I have been in a 4 year relationship with one. When we met he was charming, good looking, sexy. Everthing I ever wanted. We are now both 46 and both Scorpios. I don't know why I didn't see the red flags. I was just blown away by the kind words and he was so much fun.

The money I lent him for cars, businesses and everything else. He owes me $18,000 but I know I will never see it. I was just out of a 10 year relationship with a narrcisist and craving a lot of love. He could pick up on it and gave me lots of affection. He never paid a dime for rent (I own my own house). If I asked him for rent he would get really angry. He was constantly flirting with other women in front of me. When I finally cut him off of lending him any more money he told me he was going to go back to England. He has been here since he was 25. He told me he was in the British military for 8 years and is so full of stories.

I was so devestated when he went back to England last October. It was like a death for me. As soon as he went back last October he kept e-mailing me all these promises. He would never let me speak to his family. Silly me believed him (but had reservations) and paid for a ticket back for him in December. He promised to work and he has been working but always wants to quit. He wants to start another business. He had 4 failed business in 2 years we were together. I will not and have not given him any more money since he came back.

He always complains about how noisy the house is and I had it in my mind that if he didn't change within 3 months I would tell him to move out. He said that he wanted to get his own place but stay together and I took that opportunity to get him out of my house.

I found his ex's phone number (he was with her 7 years) and called her a few months ago (before he moved out) and she told me he owes all his exes lots of money and has claimed bankruptcy before. I am so happy I got him out of here but the thing is I miss him so much. He is just so much fun, good looking, charming and affectionate - but I know he does not love me or anyone. He loves gambling and blowing through money.

I appreciate all the comments above how time makes things better. He has been moved out one month now and I'm sure he is dating lots of girls. I did tell him we were broken up. I have had three dates and hope that when I meet someone else I will forget about him.

I am staying strong. He asked me to go to a movie with him and calls me every day but I will not go back to him EVER. My 17 year old daughter has never liked him as well as all my girlfriends. My family stays out of it.

I feel lonely and empty but know that time heals all wounds. I feel lucky to get out of it. He was never violent but constantly angry and paranoid.

I just wanted people to know how really hard it is to leave them and all of their excitement. I had four other long term relationships that I left all of them and never missed them. It is sad what a sociopath can do to one.


Absolutely 4 years ago

tonight I got the wake up call I have been dreading but secretly wishing for.

I saw him drive off with her and they didnt go home. The sick thing is last night he met me after work. Just after he left her. It has torn me to pieces but confirmed everything I already knew.

Today I even confronted him about all of the bs and discrepancies. He just got angry at me and projected the blame on me. I knew then something was not right.

I even said to him my gut is telling me something is not right. I cant ignore that. He is such an animal. A liar, a bastard.

He keeps telling me there is only me. That she is only a friend. What a load of bs.

I have no reason whatsoever to stay a minute longer and I wont. I dont even think I need to relocate now. I hate him so much, it doesnt matter what he says now. I could never, ever be with him again.

I am disgusted, angry, and done. I hope she is protecting herself because he is probably fucking everything that moves. Wow! what a fool I have been. For so long, such a blind fool.

What a slap in the face. Horrible man. Karma needs to do its job because if it doesnt, I will. I want to see him suffer. To think that I am even crying over this- is ridiculous.


lioness9876 4 years ago

I have been with a sociopath for 4 years and recently split. It has been a very stressful 4 years. He told me everything I wanted to hear in the beginning. Lied about his job and many other things. Has been bankrupt before but I didn't find out until 1 year ago. We are now both 46.

The first year was good. He moved in with me 8 months after we met. He never paid any rent or contributed for the last three years. I would lend him money and when I asked for him to pay it back it was always a fight.

I lent him money for 2 failed businesses and a truck. He now owes me $18,000. I understand and relate with the other posts. It is so hard to give them up. I have broken up in 3 other long term relationships but he has a hold of my heart because of his charm.

I came out of a 10 year relationship where I never had any affection and he was a narcisist but not a sociopath. I find that the sociopath keeps a hold of your heart for some crazy reason. He moved out 4 weeks ago but he keeps phoning me and asking me if I will be okay when he gets a new girlfriend. I know he doesn't want me telling her about his money situation.

He always lies, thinks he is soo great looking, entitled to everthing and has no empathy, puts my friends down and is such a hypocrit.

I just need to keep strong and the words from above that time heals all wounds. My soul is wounded. The days are not getting easier right now, they are actually getting harder but I know I will meet someone who will give me the love I deserve. I think they are harder as he mentioned getting a girlfriend - this kills me.

He has threatened to jump off a bridge before in an argument, stole money from my credit card to gamble on line poker. He always flirts with my girlfriends. He hasn't worked in 3 years but just recently started a job after me getting on his case every day.

I hope I can post back in a few weeks that this are much better now and use this website as a form of healing.


Handycaptainron 4 years ago

I think I fell for one of these and she ruined my life..... I lost everything, and the sad part is, I allowed it. I was actually convinced that I was mentally Ill because of her, She was so good at putting all the guilt on me. It makes sense because she has been divorced three times and according to her, each ex was a very abusive man, then she started calling me an abusive man, and even at one point called me the most selfish man on the planet, and this was when I was a Volunteer in our park system promoting clean open parks for our kids.....

I couldnt understand what I was dealing with, but as I look back... it all makes sense. I lost everything.....

Took a year to get my head straight and was afraid to date again.... but i am trying to get on with my life. I dont know what I feel because I dont know what is truth or lies with that person.... she cant even apologise for the wrongs shes done to me, as if she never did anything wrong.

Live and learn..... : (


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Lioness and Ron and everybody else who has suffered these wounds, I am so sorry to hear about your losses -- the destruction that a sociopath leaves in his or her wake is just devastating. One universal trait they share: they will not apologize and will not acknowledge that they ever did anything wrong, not even to themselves. Wishing you the strength to carry on with your lives and recover from the setbacks you have endured.


christa 4 years ago

Absolutely. you are NOT alone. I deal with the SAME EXACT thing. It's horrible. But I am obsessed with him. I still want him. Trust me, go to your doc, and get some xanax. It helps tremendously. Esp. to numb the mind spinning out of control and heart break. You'll thank me later ;-).


Absolutely 4 years ago

I am seriously considering professional help, Christa. I know what to do, I know I am strong, but for some reason when I am around him, I can not resist. I fall right back into his arms every time. I believe him. In the moment, I believe him. It is after that my mind races, my gut instincts kick in, and I go crazy.

He made himself ridiculously available last week. He met me after work, he called me, he met me on the weekend, he was going out of his way to please me. He knew I was done. He knew I was falling apart and jumped on it and did all of the right things.

But he still continues with her. She still rubs it in my face. He lies all of the time. He knows I am so upset by it. But continues to do things which do not hide the fact that their relationship is just not right. She followed him the other day. I saw her blatantly do it. Only a person looking for answers does that. There is no other reason.

I am so heart broken and so stupid being played for a fool but I just havent found the strength to break away. He finally met me somewhere on the weekend for some time and it was great. I got him saturday and sunday. all of it was great. but those times are so few and far between. the walk and talk we had was nice. It is those moments that keep me in this.


Ataloss 4 years ago

Hi to you all again,

I havent been here for a while, I felt I was just going round in circles, thinking, obessing over the same confusions, frustration, heartbreak, you know the rest, I had to have a break.

Absolutely,Christa, and others going throught this, I know exactly how you are all feeling.

I have almost come to the end of the road with my own nightmare.

I have had it with this sick individual who, keeps sending me texts declaring his deep deep love for me. I have had texts come through which are identical to ones I already received back in October, word for word, as though he saved them to re-use in the future.

I have had pictures sent me saying " someone gave me this today, wish I could share it with you" an exact same picture he already sent back in September of the exact same gift, with exactly the same words!!

The sick SOB can't even remember he already sent it, or who he sent it to!! He sent texts saying he dreamed of me last night, describing where we were in the dream, what we were doing, what we said to each other, all exactly the same word for word which he has sent me before months ago!

Someone must have backed off him for a while because I started getting obsessive texts again. It hurt all over again, he knew my mother was very ill, but still pulled at me for attention, all the time not actually asking for meetings or real talk.

I told him how ill my mother was and said I really could do with talking. He made arrangements to talk the next day and gave me a time. I waited, like a love sick fool I waited, he didn't even text to say he couldn't talk.

I sat back that night and just thought, what the hell are you doing to yourself?

From that moment on I have completely altered my state of mind about him. He is sick, he is actually laughing at me, and laughing that he is enjoying being cruel to me.

I told him we should be just friends a few weeks ago, he said he wanted me for more than that, still with the same old texts on a loop for weeks after.

I have tried and tried to be polite, keep it friendly in case I bump into him.

What sick SOB can tell someone that he is deeply in love with her, she is the one he wants to be with, but does not ask to see her and makes excuses week after week for months??

Sadly my mother passed away and that was the turning point for me. Even in the event of her death, he text me telling me he wished he could hold me, comfort me, he was thinking of me constantly etc. Not once did he say, hey if you need to talk I'm here., it was still ALL ABOUT HIM!

He still keeps telling me he would love to hear my voice and see my smile but does NOTHING! I can honestly say, I can't answer him, I can't find the words to say to him, I feel totally empty, I am so sick and tired of the same words over and over again, an ultimatum didn't work, answering him nicely did not work, getting angry with him did not work.

He is not interested in me, does not even want me physically and makes excuses now not to talk on the phone, but he will NOT let go.

I am seeing him now as a nuisance, a parasite, a sickly big baby.

He has been doing all this to me simply because I allowed him to, the same as you are.

It has come to the end of the road for me and this sick man, I no longer feel the deep need to have him contact me, I havent blocked him, but just read his texts, laugh at them and then do not answer.

It feels peaceful, I feel I have regained a bit more of myself every time I ignore him. I won't lie to you, I have had times when I so wanted to react, but I haven't and each time I didn't it felt really good. I have had times when I think of him and then it comes back, I wish he was there, I need him, but I have to remind myself, he has never been there when I needed him and nor will he ever be.

I wish you could do the same Absolutely, I was close to having a breakdown over this.

I have relapses and weak moments, but I force myself to think of that night he left me waiting, clinging on to the chance of a measly phone conversation, and the sad thing was, I knew he wasn't going to call!

I never loved anyone in my life the way I loved him, I know I will always love the person I thought he was in the beginning, but I have allowed him to make a fool of me for almost a year, I have hung on to false hopes and half baked promises until I felt sick, and all he did was laugh at me for it.

I only have myself to blame, I saw all the red flags but was so besotted that I ignored them, I feel such a fool for that.

I am slowly regaining my dignity and self worth, I really hope you can too xx


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Just stumbled upon this hub; you all might be interested.

http://hubpages.com/health/The-Covert-Narcissist...


chasingadream 4 years ago

It is so difficult reading all of these stories, but provides so much comfort. I can only say I am glad that I did not let things get to marriage, children...even though that is what I thought I wanted.

We had been close friends for 10 years prior to being in a relationship, so I feel almost silly for not seeing the signs and for ever giving him a chance. But I see now how I was totally manipulated, even when we were not in a relationship!

It is hard for me, because I feel like I am the exception, the "special one," the one he really loves and will change for. I feel like because of his age (25), maybe he still has a chance to grow out of this behavior. I feel these things still now, even after our breakup. His family and close friends all realize his problems with lying, cheating, etc. and said that when we were in a relationship, they saw him begin to become a more honest, driven person. But now I feel like he was only holding those "bad" behaviors back as much as he possibly could, and in the end this is just who he is and he could not help but to do it to me, also.

Yes, I knew that he lied, and cheated, before getting together with me. I always caught him in his lies, too, and while he flew off the handle initially after being caught, he would come clean, but, now I realize, he probably never came completely clean. He would even say, "you're the only person I can be honest with. You know that I have a problem with lying, but if you will just call me on it, I will always tell you the truth. I want to change." It all sounded very pretty. He also has a history of cheating WITH me, and I know the saying, "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you," but I always felt like it was me that he truly wanted to be with. He even told me several times before we got together "I am still young and going through a lot. I do not want to mess up with you. I see myself marrying you, and I will wait until I am ready to really be a good man for you." I now feel like all of this was just to keep me hanging on. But why? Even now that we are broken up, he says he still plans to marry me, and uses that old line, "you knew I had problems. I am obviously still screwed up. I need some more time to work on myself, and I will be the man that you deserve." He apologizes for the way things ended, but I do not know that he is truly sorry. In the 1.5 years we were together, I caught him texting 3 different women. Never physical cheating, only talking, which he confessed was another "problem" for him because he "just likes attention". He even deactivated his social networking profiles while we were together to avoid the temptation. Every time I confronted him, he stopped, but I guess I should have called it off after the very first one. The last one was the one that ended it. He did give me fair warning and say that he felt things changing between us, and he was going through a lot of personal things, and maybe we needed some time apart. He was receiving promotions at work and didn't know how to handle the power, he was cleaning up his credit (which was awful, red flag) and wanted to stand on his own financially (I was mostly supporting us in the beginning. typical.)....things that should have told me GET OUT. But of course I loved him and tried to make him see that us staying together could work. He was already checked out. And when I caught him with the last woman, I saw that. He'd been seeing her for a month, and she didn't even know I existed. I called her. I told her that he would not change for her, but now that we are broken up he has confirmed that she still continues to see him. He tells me shes "crazy" for still wanting to be with him, but I know he is probably going to his new place (where she stays with him) and telling her he's "in love" with her. It really is a sick double life. She is young and naive without much of a family to support her, so I know he chose her because she will be very easily sucked in, and will believe most of what he manipulates her into thinking. It is hard to see him with her, knowing that he has absolutely no feelings for her, and is not even pretending to. We had many mutual friends, who he told that he was so in love with me, that I was The One. Since we've broken up, he's even told me that he would rather use her than me.

I want to go NC, but we are still tied up financially, so I have to see him monthly to get money from him. I am surprised he has paid me. I just wonder what other financial responsibilities of his are going awry (or being paid by her) so that he can seemingly stay in my good graces. The more we talk, the more I see he is still lying, mostly about his relationship with her, and how she contributes financially. I have no doubt she is helping him along, just like I did. He still calls me and asks how I'm doing, texts me and tells me he still loves me, that he always will. He just says he is not ready to settle down, that he still has a lot to prove to himself that he can be a man on his own (yet he is already with someone else, which he denies?) before he can be a man for me. He sure does have a good script down. I am just very torn. I have loved him for a long, long time, and it is hard to accept that he never loved me.


ultradeluxe 4 years ago

Having read all of this, what I originally thought about my ex is probably - no, definitely - true.

In the short time that we were together, he went from being a loyal, loving boyfriend to a lying, cheating, manipulating monster that made me question even my core ideals. As he became unusually distant, my intuition told me that something wasn't quite right. I asked him bluntly if there was someone else. He said no.

Although he denied the cheating until I confronted him with the evidence of photos of another woman's private parts on his camera, he did say that he wanted to make it work. He immediately threw her under the bus, saying that I was everything good in his life and that she was dark and destructive and something he needed to "work through". He said that he would tell the other woman about me. He didn't. And after weeks of keeping me in an endless loop of excuses, lying, breaking plans and being generally agitated (the fallout was all on me - missed work, couldn't eat or sleep - my family was worried sick and essentially had to intervene) - I finally got tired of taking the high road - and I contacted the other woman. She had no idea about me, something I found to be quite strange, since I had clothing, a toothbrush, bath stuff, magazines and gifts I'd given him at his house. It turns out that she (like him) has a problem with alcohol and described herself as a functional alcoholic, who was struggling with life. It should also be mentioned that my ex has a myriad of health problems ranging from hypoglycemia to MS - and the other girl said that the two of them, together, would most likely destroy each other. She agreed to stop seeing him, and also said that he was fortunate to have me. She didn't. The next day, he dumped me via text and said he was in love with her - she accepted his explanations (God only knows what that entailed) and I think they're still together.

There's so many details that mirror everyone else's experiences, so I won't recant them here. Sufficient to say, it's taken me months to get through the humiliation and pain that he brought on me.

Looking back, it's easier to separate what I witnessed as opposed to what I've observed over the last few months. The one thing that got me through it was the love and support of my family. A sociopath, especially combined with narcissism, as with my ex, will do everything in his/her power to make you reliant on him/her alone - and separate you from the people who will actually be there for you no matter what. I was lucky - my family, my friends, they're the ones who offered up a safe place for me. Not him.

To everyone who's got a person like this in their life: just leave. Do it quietly, without the chance of your socio trying to charm his/her way back into your life. It's hard, I know, because the feelings are so intense that it's easy to think that this person will change, stop lying, cheating, etc - but they won't. This is a guarantee. The only way to protect yourself from the damage is to stop it in its tracks and not allow it to continue. I believe that the reason my ex hasn't continued to be in contact with me is because he knows he can't feed off of me anymore, and I'll always be stronger than he is, and stronger than the girl he's with. He can't hurt me anymore, so I'm inconsequential to him.

The saddest thing is that he hasn't, and will never take responsibility for what he did. It's hard to swallow - that I gave my heart and soul to someone who continually hurt me, and he doesn't even feel remorse.


Brian 4 years ago

Sociopathic people is a generic term for those who have personality disorders. Often their childhood is ruined. Its the sense of abandonment that trigger most poor behaviors listed above. The woman in my life was abused along with her sisters. They ended up protecting this man/dad in the end and getting him out of a 20+ prison sentence (he served 6 months). Since by this time I had set up healthy boundaries the family burned me good. Had people testify falsely against me and eventually from the slander had me kicked out of medical school. It has been one drama after another trying to get away. I feel all of your pain in the stories above. This ordeal has cost me close to 30K in false accusations in order to protect her family who has a history of hiding sexual abuse. I just wouldn't stand for it and was crucified. At this point the only advice I can give is to take care of yourself because there is a reason we all became involved with such people. Either we were too accepting of red flags or too empathetic. In my case I wanted to rescue her from her family. Only if I knew what I do now at that point I would have kicked her sorry story to the curb. Sometimes its better to take care of oneself than to worry about someone else, but I realize it gets complicated especially if you grew up in a fairly religious upbringing that encouraged this. Inncoent people can be tortured by these relentless "dark hearts".


Bri 4 years ago

Taken in bye a smile,

that story sounds more involved indeed, hearing voices and becoming delusional sounds more along the lines of schizophrenia mixed in with the highs and lows of bipolar type 1.

What truly defines a sociopath in my opinion is their ability to manipulate others with absolutely no shame or guilt. Its literally quite empty inside for them. However some of them are incredibly witty and know exactly how much to press before you go over the edge. For example I was accused of being my ex's father (abuser/neglecter/temper/anger etc etc) for 8 months. When I realized what she was doing she had already convinced the system she needed to protect herself from me requiring drop off and pick ups of our son at a local walmart. For 8 months I found this absurd with a person I thought I had known for 7 years. She literally convinced herself of the story. When we finally meet for mediation the workers realized I was in med school in a peds rotation. What was absurd was that afterwards because I would not meet at her door for dropoffs she started to convince me of being a bad parent who would not communicate (I requested all dropoffs at school or at a police/fire station to protect myself after all the lies I heard). Do you see how the soicopath can play both sides of the coin. They always have an exuse and they always back up their poor behavior with either acting stupid, like a victim or with another excuse or accusation. One important thing to remember is they play by their own rules with no consequences at all. Normal people think about the consequences of changing their story like the wind, the sociopath does not, it is ALWAYS someone elses fault and is heavily tied to narcissistic and borderline behavior. The legal system is set up to allow such things because technically it is not "illegal" to accuse someone. When a woman accuses a man, especially when she has been abused nobody has the courage to call them on it. For fear of the sociopath saying, "HOW DARE YOU!". Just think about the roots of how a lot of these stories play out...they are all VICTIMS which should for all of us be the #1 red flag to watch out for. Healthy people put their best foot forward when trying to date/meet others, however the sociopath makes you feel sorry for them and uses you until you figure it out. Once you can no longer feed their narcissistic supply they cut you out of their life (including family) like a piece of trash. Its even harder when you have a child involved because the fight becomes still about them and the reaction they ellicit is still about getting sympathy even if your child is kicked out of school or is suffering from what they overhear. I can tell you at age 4 my son was telling me that, "mom and grandma hated you", that "mom was sick and needed medicine" and that I had "abused them for over a year and needed to fix my attitude". Funny thing is I RECORDED EVERYTHING and still the social workers and custody evaluators swept it under the rug stating they didn't even want to see the evidence. I was and am still appalled that they would literally assist the abuse in order to protect an extremely manipulative "victim". Sociopaths will use anything including their own children to retaliate and build an alliance against the one they want to destroy. The only offense is to build healthy strong boundaries and document everything.


christa 4 years ago

...I hope you are well Absolutely. Thinking of you. I went to a psychotherapist last night and came up with a plan of action to disconnect bc this cannot go on any longer. I am ill because of it. Must disengage completely. Remove the triggers. So I got a new cell phone so I don't stare at it all day hoping and waiting. My old phone is powered down and given to a friend for 3-4 months. You must completely disengage. AND just the cell phone alone, has made me feel LIGHTYEARS ahead. Life changing for me. That therapy appt changed my life. Fuck these assholes. NO MORE. I am taking control now. The ball is in my court and I am not giving it back. EVER.


Bailey 4 years ago

I don't know where to start..

First off, I'm no where near the age of getting married or having sex. I'm 16.

But, for(at least) the past 7-8 months I've gone completely head over heels for my friend(and he knows it). He's a little over a year older and is going to college next year(He was a senior this year I was a softmore). He has specifically told me he's a sociopath. He told me about two months ago, actually.

He's similar to what was described in the passage above, but not exactly the same. I've never seen him harm anyone, not even on accident. He also shows very little emotion and is very hard to understand. Most of the time he's very kind. It's just sometimes he's randomly, for no reason, a real jerk. I'll try to give an example.

Little emotion:

He just doesn't show much emotion in general. He laughs and makes a lot of jokes, though.

Hard to understand:

He tells me I can talk to him and comforts me when I'm upset about things and tells me I should stand up for myself more, even to him. Yet he says he doesn't really care if I do when I ask him about it.

Randomly, for no reason, a real jerk:

Just yesterday he just randomly told me I can't come over anymore, won't tell me why, and now ignores anything I text him. He even told my friend "I don't have to explain myself to you :)" when she asked if he has a reason for not talking to me.(I did not ask her to do this, and would have preferred she hadn't.)

So he's basically there for me until he's involved, knows that I like him but doesn't take advantage of it, and is just plain odd.

It's very confusing and his definition of sociopath was "A sociopath is someone who has very little regard for the emotions of another and has very little emotion themselves" when I asked him, and it does fit him very well, but he isn't very violent and is just a bit of an emotional sadist(me being a bit of an emotional masochist, this doesn't bother me in the slightest).

So I guess I'm just asking for a little bit of advice on anything.

Other than this we get along perfectly fine and are VERY similar and have a LOT of the same interests.


soconfused 4 years ago

Is my boyfriend a sociopath? He is so handsome, charming, strong. Can be so sweet and loving, but then he turns. If I am really hurting about something, he has no feeling at all. Here is an example of something he did, just one of the many. We were out in a big public place, I went to the bathroom and there was a long line. I was in there about ten minutes. When I came out he was gone. I was left alone, lost and confused. But he said it was my fault that I took so long! Anything that happens and I mean anything that a rational person would realize as a wrong and apologize, he turns around and puts the blame on me! He will call me nasty names, etc., then a few days later act as if NOTHING has happened. PLEASE ADVISE. He also thinks he is God's gift to women and always talks about other women and how hot they are in front of me, even though he knows it hurts me.


Broken 4 years ago

First of all, I want to thank you for this page and all of this information. My soon to be ex-husband and I have living together for about 6 years and only married a few months ago. He fits everything you are saying to the tee and I suppose deep in my heart I have always known there is something wrong with him but I love him so much that I chose to see past his flaws and try to find the good in him. My story is not unlike any of yours, he has done all that is described and then some. My biggest question is...how do I stop loving him? He left a few months after we were married as I am guessing he achieved his goal and decided to move on to his next victim but I still have this hope that I can help him. It is so hard to accept that nothing was real although his actions dictate this. There is honestly no hope for these people? I know I need to let go as he is only going to cause more pain and will never change but how do I tell my heart to stop loving him? Is there anywhere victims of the people with this affliction to get help? I am lost and so alone and feel like there isn't a single soul I know that could understand what I feel. I am a strong independent woman that has achieved much in my life, but this man has broken me and I am afraid I will never be free. He took my money, my trust and my heart and I am desperately trying to find a way just to cope and move on. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Hi Broken,

Im so sorry to hear about your experience, and you can see from this site that there isn't ONE single person who can relate to your experience - but there are MANY of us! Don't feel alone, because you aren't.

If you are considering help, have you ever given any thought to hypnotherapy? There is a technique called "cutting the cords" which I underwent and it has helped immensely. Try Googling it if its something you may consider an option.

Since hypnotherapy works with the subconscious, its easier to tackle issues that otherwise seem impossible......(this can be especially helpful after encountering a sociopath, since they tend to manipulate us on so many different subliminal levels -which can be difficult to tackle using other counseling methods.)

I hope this helps.......keep us posted on your situation so we can help you through it.

I will post a few links for you momentarily, that I found helpful on my path to realization.

~M


TruthSeeker 4 years ago


TruthSeeker 4 years ago


Broken 4 years ago

Thank you so much! This site has helped immensely and I will check out the links. He is trying to say all of the things he thinks I want to hear and I know he is just aiming to come back and finish me off. I am battling between my heart and my head. I know I cannot allow him back in my life but this pain in unbearable. He is making excuse after excuse about signing the divorce papers and I know the only reason is that he is secretly enjoying my suffering and having the control over my life. I have to break this and yes...cut the cord! I am willing to try anything at this point. Thank you, thank you for creating this hub. It has confirmed all of my suspicions, made me feel less alone and given me hope!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Wishing strength for you, Broken! Thank you, Truthseeker, for coming on here and providing help and support and information. I have been out of town all week to visit an ill family member and didn't have access to a computer -- just got back this afternoon. From everything I have read and all the research I have done, there is honestly no hope for these people. Completely disengage -- that is the only way. Do it without discussion -- talking to them about it is always a mistake. Just completely disconnect. Save yourselves from further grief.


sunflower 4 years ago

Hi Broken,

I too have suffered like you and the other on this site. Please try to do anything you can to help yourself. I did go for counseling and it really helped. Most of all this website was a tremendous help. Time will also help. My heart was broken and now is starting to mend.

I will keep you in my prayers.


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

Hi Silva,

I hope your family member is feeling better! And I am happy to try and let folks know that they are not alone in this, since I know what a sick feeling it is when your eyes actually 'open' for the first time.

Broken,

Silva's advice is dead on - no contact is the only way to regroup and heal. I think of it like a spiderweb: we are a fly that has been so tangled up in the sticky strands that we were unable to escape. Now that you have managed to free yourself, don't risk becoming entangled again by flying near that web again. Remember how conning they are: they know your weaknesses as if they were their own, and will play on them. If they cannot gain access to you, they cannot mentally overcome you again.

I know its WAY more complicated with a divorce involved, however, the no contact piece is a must for your success in breaking free.

Like I've said in my prior posts - you've been kept in the dark too long. Time to turn on the light, girl. You deserve it.

~M


Rose 4 years ago

My husband is a sociopath and we have a daughter together. :,( he is everything you have written, and of course, he rushe us to get married and I fell for him hook line and sinker and he lived off me, pregnant, my grandma buying us a house i was only 19 and him taking all my money and gambling, taking drugs and impulse spending. Lies. Everyone else is to Blame no matter what he does...everything he does or says u can be sure, if he's saying it's for you, it has an anterior motive to it and is for him. I finally left and he has been a pain in the fucking arse ever since


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I feel bad for you, Rose. Several times I have heard young women make a flippant statement about rushing into marriage, "Oh, well, if it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce." This is why it is best to take some time and try to get to know their future mate before rushing into marriage and pregnancy. They just don't realize that marrying a sociopath will be a thorn in their side for the rest of their life, Especially if there are children resulting from the marriage. It is difficult and often impossible to break all contact when there are children together. I am sorry, Rose. I hope it works out for you as well as possible.


Foolish Man 4 years ago

I've finally ended a relationship with a sociopath. The financial cost was bad enough, but the emotional damage is overwhelming.

My question is, should I warn her latest victim? The backlash could be extreme if she found out I said something to him.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Wow, that is a huge ethical dilemma. I understand your inclination to warn her next victim. I also understand that the result may cause you even more damage, and furthermore, that there is a likelihood that you will not be believed. Only you can answer this question; I can only suggest that you give it much thought before making a decision.


wendy 4 years ago

My sister is in a relationship with a textbook sociopath. He has slowly isolated her from all of her friends, and now has her not speaking to me, because I exposed his double life. I spoke to the woman he is living with( and he says they are "just friends") and she told me he tells her that him and i my sister are "just friends" Ha. The other woman confronted him and everything blew up and now i am the bad guy!!!!! He has my mother conned also, and we had a huge fight but she is at least speaking to me now. My sister and mom believe EVERYTHING he says!!! Im so frustrated I cant stand it. i have tried to get him to tell the lies hes saying about ME to MY face, and of course he wont. Hes telling them this other woman told him that I am crazy and have issues!!! WTF. I just want this man out of our lives, and i wont back down. I need advice please!!!!!!


TruthSeeker 4 years ago

HI Wendy,

Rest assured that the reason he has everyone conned is because that's what they do!

Now, back to your main concern: take the focus off of YOU by researching socio's on the internet, and print some things off. Give them to your mom (your sister is in too deep right now to see the truth) and allow her to read them, then ask to discuss the printouts with her at a later time. Maybe you can write down examples of the same behaviors indicated that you have seen your sisters bfriend exhibit. Once your mom is on the same page, and can see him for what he really is, you have a better chance of opening your sister eyes as well......together.


Wendy 4 years ago

Im doing just that. I printed out your article as soon as I read it, in addition to a few others i found. My mother is sooo angry and hostile towards ME , I dropped them in the mailbox and HOPE she reads them. I highlighted, starred, wrote examples next to things. I feel like my life is turning into a Lifetime movie. My mother is also mad at my other sister, because she is standing up for me and is sick of the way everyone has to walk on eggshells around this guy so he doesnt get upset. She is choosing this controlling, abusive man who has thrown my sister out of the car in the middle of the road because she asked if she could play golf with a friend, told her (in front of my dad) to go in the house and wash her rotten p**ssy because she wanted stay home and relax on her day off, and this is just a few of the many things hes done. But Im wrong for calling him out for what he really is??? We have all decided to just step back from the situation, and hope truth prevails before anyone gets physically hurt, because he is capable of it. Thank you sooo much for your advice:)


CiSi 4 years ago

For the past 3 years I have been in a relationship (well I wouldn't even call it that) with a sociopath. Like all the stories above I constantly tried to help him better his life were he would deliberately do everything possible to destroy mine. The last 3 years has been a nightmare. I seriously think he is the devil as he constantly causes me pain & pretends he dosen't do anything. He steals off me & says he dosen't, he's constantly cheats on me -not behind my back but right in front of my face & denies it. I've changed my number, even moved to get away from him,. He's smashed my car & says he didn't do it. I had an great job 3 y ears ago which he sabotaged my role there & I had to leave, got another job, & he won't let me sleep- he'll deliberately makes noises- keep tv on- move around- just so I can't go to work the next day- he does anything and everything to make my life a living hell.


CiSi 4 years ago

I am not allowed to be happy, when I'm next to him- when he see's that I am he turns into a crazed monster- making up anything so we can fight- he accussed me of stealing on roll of toilet paper the other day -out of nowhere- He even refuses to give me any type of affection-no hugs-kisses- sex is maybe once a month- I just feel like an object to him- I tell him over & over that I don't want to do this anymore- he won't leave me alone & is threatening to exspose my secret life to my family


CiSi 4 years ago

He has threatend me hundreds of time, and is physcically abusive- I am scared of him. He has no regard for the law whatsoever & has threaten my life several times. I want to get an intervention order but he has said that he would bash my face in if the police come and serve him with the order. or he'l send his brothers( & I believe him as he has done some really fucked up things to me before, really scary & I weigh 50kgs)- I feel like im in prison in my own life


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

CiSi - in a situation this dire, your only line of defense is to get away. Start planning and saving money and watch for your chance to go to the other end of the earth, change your name and dye your hair, and do not get involved in a relationship for a good long time, as you need time to heal. This is only my unprofessional opinion, but when dealing with someone like this, you might consider that he is not a sociopath, but a psychopath, and that you are in physical danger. You also owe it to your family to tell them the truth about whatever he is using to blackmail you. Good luck on getting untangled from this situation.


Foolish Man 4 years ago

Thank you for your response. My biggest fear right now is that she will call me in a few weeks with some major problem and expect me to help her. And that I will because she is so adept at manipulating me.


Truthseeker 4 years ago

Hi Foolish Man and CiSi,

The most consistent advice seen on this site is that of no contact with the sociopath. And this truly is the only way you will escape.

Foolish - go into your cell phone NOW and set her calls to go directly to voicemail. If she texts you, don't respond. If she emails you, delete it. If she shows up at your home, pretend you aren't there. The longer you leave the line of communication open with her, the longer she will continue to manipulate you. Be proactive. You know she will try at some point to reach you, make some changes now.

Cisi, you didn't mention if you live with this man? In any case, the no contact suggestion is applicable for your situation as well. At one point, you distanced yourself from him. And, like a true manipulator, he weaseled his way back in with you. Im interested to hear if you live with him or not, then we can give you some more pointed suggestions as to how you can plan your getaway. Please let us know sooner than later, it sounds very much like your health and safety are at stake here.

~M


CiSi 4 years ago

Thank you for your advice, I don't live with him- thank god!the funny thing is the night I was writing this, he was stalking my house friday at 1;30 in the morning, I could hear his car driving up n down my street ( as I have been ignorning him for a week)phone contantly ringing on silent- and secretly I have thought he was a psychopath to myself all this time.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

It seems that the victims of a sociopath have a universal impulse to talk about the situation to the abuser, to try to reason with them, to try and explain to their abuser about how they don't want to live this way any longer. Sadly, you cannot talk to a sociopath and have them listen to you and CARE about what you feel, or about what you want, or about your needs. They only care about their own needs, and how you fit into their agenda. They do not care about your agenda because they cannot. They are literally unable to care. Again, the only way to deal with a sociopath is to not deal with them at all. Stop all contact. You cannot fix them no matter what you say or how many times you say it. You can't reason with them and you cannot change them. The situation will only go downhill; it will never improve. Sad words and harsh words but true. Take care.


Foolish Man 4 years ago

I believe the reason I tried to reason with the sociopath in my life is that I was (and still am) deeply in love with her.

What I have to convince myself is that the person I am in love with never actually existed. It was a role she played to get what she wanted, wether that be money, sex, support or my love itself. And that is a very difficult thing to do.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Sadly, you are probably right; the person you are in love with does not exist. Has anyone on here ever heard a story told by anyone about a sociopath who was reasoned with and changed his/her destructive ways and became a caring, empathetic person? I never heard a story like that. I have heard hundreds of stories of sociopathic behavior and I have never heard of one who changed their stripes. So, in my opinion, it is futile to try and reason with a sociopath, and sometimes dangerous.


The1ThatGotAway 4 years ago

I would like to encourage some of you readers. After reading the stories I found here I learned that the man I was involved with for nearly 3 years is indeed a sociopath. I had been talking with an associate of mine and the subject of this man, whom we'd never previously spoken about, came up. I was describing some of his behavior to my associate and out of nowhere my associate says "this guy is a sociopath". Of course I'd heard the term before but wasn't really acquainted with it. That conversation stuck with me for the rest of the day and I went to bed that night and woke up thinking about it. I grabbed my smart phone as I keep it by my bed and immediately googled the term.

I began reading more clinical explanations and accounts of what a sociopath is...

And then I came across Ms. Hayes page. What a revelation! I read for over an hour all the accounts shared by others. I was truly in shock. I couldn't believe that I'd found answers I didn't even know I was looking for.

As a result I experienced a life changing paradigm shift. I have been able with surprisingly little effort on my part to sever my relationship with this person. Granted I truly believe that the person I was dealing with was on the tamer end of the sociopath scale but a sociopath none the less. The calm that I have achieved is invaluable.

If those of you who are entangled could stop focusing on the evildoer who has you in their grasp and realize that YOU are perfectly sane and healthy, that YOU have done nothing to deserve the treatment rendered to you at the hands of these people and understand YOU can exist without all the chaos in your life maybe you can allow yourself to let go and breathe.

I know that sounds very simplistic. And it is. I suppose I'm lucky or blessed. And I'm thankful to Ms. Hayes and those who felt the need to share their stories here.

I wish all of you who are entrapped a speedy path to freedom and much future calm and happyiness!!


The1ThatGotAway 4 years ago

P.S.

My associate's name is also Hayes, I found that funny.

Also for those of you trying to wriggle free of your own socio I found a helpful tool in the area of cutting off communication. I had already changed my number earlier this year in this effort so I didn't want to do that again. A friend suggested an app I have found very helpful. This app is on the Android market but I'm sure there is something comparable on the iPhone market (or whatever, LOL) This app is called MISTER NUMBER. For those of you who have Android phones go to the market and search for it. This app allows you to block calls and texts from those who you specify you'd like to block. There are a couple of holes in the net but with a little strength you can work with them. They are that your phone wont ring when the caller calls but you will see the missed call. Also the app can't stop voicemails. But if you're strong enough to just delete the voicemails you will be fine.

As far as emails are concerned with little effort you should be able to change an email account or just stop using an account and start a new one. If it's a business or job related email maybe you could explain to your HR or IT department that there is a necessity to make a change in your address to stop the abuse.

Good Luck!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you so much for your comments! I am so happy for you. You offer the encouragement that others need and you are a living example of success! Again, thank you so much for coming on here and telling your story.


Nate 4 years ago

As a "functioning" sociopath I do have to agree with most of this article. It took a major moment of clarity to finally realize what exactly was wrong.. Or better yet, what I was. I had gone through meaningless relationships. I used, cheated, and stole at my own digression. I abused drugs on a regular basis. I impulsively gambled, and did pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted, and to whomever I wanted.

Im not going to get into detail For the reason of my sudden clarity of my condition, but I will say that it is very possible to function with this disorder. It's been 6 years since I've come to my realization and I no longer involve other people in my psychosis. I'm still very much thoughtless towards others (non violent). I still catch myself in lies although now not for any reason other than to see if I can pull it off. My lies really serve no purpose anymore.

Today I'm moderately successful. I go to work, and school (majoring in psychology of all things.) I'm not cured by any means, but I have a stability in my life I've never had. My equilibrium comes from the understanding of what I am. The acknowledgment of what it is I lack. Once you've gotten that far then everything just becomes a choice. I choose to educate my self as to how I'm this way and why. Life to me is black and white. There is no gray in the world I see. Now it's either you do or you don't. And I most definitely don't anymore.

Having said all that, this article while true, seemd a tad steriotypical. No one has ever been in a relationship with sociopath. You were a cons mark with a means to an end. You were duped the same way a mechanic sells you unnecessary work, or a politian convinces you he's your guy. With some exception MOST sociopaths are masters at deception. (Some of the examples in the comments above being exceptions.) Your emotion, and their lack of it further clouded an already mucky plot. Your willingness to take things at face value is a flaw... Sociopath or not. Our societys entire fabric is interwoven with hidden truths and glorious fictions.

Lies and deception has been our weapon of choice to extract money, goods and services,or just to simply fall in line since weve crawled out of the oceans, and became masters of our own universe.

If instilled now, truth would seem like the lie. The truth is incomprehensible. The truth is void of hope. The truth is we are all varying degrees anti social. Narcissistic, agenda pushing, self promoting liars.

P.S. While I do agree that the truth is harmonic and maybe even therapeutic on an individual level. As a whole it would send this entire house of cards crumbling down.


ultradeluxe 4 years ago

@Nate

There's a Bible parable about a scorpion and a frog, you should read it. Unfortunately, sociopaths don't come with visible markings so it's impossible to discern who's going to hurt others and who won't.

Expecting that the next person we meet will harm us is a life half-lived. I know this because it's taken me months to get past the damage of my ex, who wasn't just a sociopath, but an alcoholic who justified his every move with the same reasoning that you've given in your post. "It's my nature", "everyone lies", "I don't have to feel responsible toward anyone".

I call bullshit on the whole thing. The truth is not void of hope. The truth is all over this article, and that gives hope to people who are going through the exact same thing. And we all are responsible for each other, whether we know it or not.

In effect, you're allowing your own sociopathic tendencies to sell the people who have posted here your own personal brand of crap. As refreshing as it seems on the outside, your opinion is - predictably - peppered with the typical socio buzzwords and phrases that we've all pretty much heard before.

It's not a flaw to take things and people at face value - it's called trust and faith that the people we allow into our lives aren't going to screw us over.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thanks for your insight, Nate. I am reminded of that Annie Lennox song, Sweet Dreams Are Made of This, ..... ''Everybody's looking for something...''


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you for commenting, Ultradeluxe. I'm with you. Your insights are much appreciated.


littlecay 4 years ago

I feel for all of you! It's very hard to deal with the damage a Sociopath can do. For now, I will be short with my Sociopath. I had a Sociopath in my life for ten years. It was a co-worker. We became friends over a short period of time. I became close with his family and I was over for holidays, birthdays and more. It was conning me from day one. It played life games which I didn't know about. Over the ten years, It tried to put It's bad life onto me. It made look like the problem at work and with in the community. At the end of the ten years, I was pushed out of the company. I was left with nothing to regain any employment. I have been with out work for three years and I do not see anything changing soon. At the end, I saw It for what It was Lying, cheating, conning, manipulating, the list goes on. I never knew anything about Sociopaths and Narcissists. But I do now. I pray for the human race for hope with the Sociopath.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am sorry, littlecay; the damage that a sociopath can do is truly frightening. I hope you find work soon and are able to get your life back on track.


littlecay 4 years ago

Thank you for the support. I had to do alot of reading to understand what really happend to bring me to this point in my life. Most of the information, I just came across. It appears that mostly Narcissist Sociopath are Men abusing Women. Well I am a guy and my co-worker was a guy ( just close friends.) I am adding this to let others know that anyone can be fooled by a Sociopath. I now know that the problem was all about envy , greed and jealously. I felt I had to leave the area I was in. I had on plan on leaving and I was in the dark for all those years while he knew what he was going to do. He did not like himself and I was going to pay the price for it. The whole situation is so ugly. ( life games, drama triagle) Thank You once again.


Absolutely 4 years ago

well, it has been a long time since I was last on here. Today, my sociopath cut me out of his life. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that he was the one who left. I, clearly did not have the strength to leave on my own.

out of nowhere, he picked a huge fight with me. yelling at me, belittling me, and treating me terribly. I already knew before he even picked the fight that something would happen today. He was with her. He planned to see her tonight and knew I would be suspicious. This is his way. When he was with me, he fought with her. When he is with her, he fights with me.

He has been covering his tracks on the weekends lately too. Warning me that I wouldnt hear from him because of this or that. He just didnt want me to call or stop by where he would be on the weekend.

I had told him about a perfect night for us to be together and gave him ample time to be available. Wouldnt you know, that night he told me he was tired and was going home. Really? Conveniently, he was with her earlier that day.

I saw all of this clear as day. I saw how badly he treated me. I saw their inappropriate relationship. I caught him in lies. He lied all of the time. He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One day being the man of my dreams, the next, a cold heartless man who lied all of the time.

I was a huge financial gain for him and he knew it. He used me until the next mark came along.

He drained me emotionally, financially, and I allowed myself to be treated like a fool this whole time.

I should be jumping up and down in pure joy that I now have my way out. But of course, I feel so broken, used, and sad. It hurts. I know i will get better but now I cant see it. A part of me is jealous of her and that I wasnt good enough- even though I know she isnt either. No one is. But as an empath, one cant help but feel the emotions one expects to feel when they are in a relationship.

Trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Hoping this is what I needed to finally get my life back together.


lisa 4 years ago

i have been inarelationsip with a sociopath and I just feel so depleted! I have tried to get him to end this relationship amicably but he refuses. Now, after reading this I realize he wont leave me because he wants to continue using my car, eating the food in my fridge andsleeping in my bed. OMG how do I leave this man safely, theism also my son's Father I'm afraid and don't know what to do! n


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Only you can decide how best to get out of it because you know the details of your life and what your options are. Keep your child's safety and your own safety foremost in your mind and do not try to engage him in a discussion. Keep your plans secret. Good luck!


wendy 4 years ago

@absolutely

Your situation is EXACTLY like the one my sister is in, except she is the other woman, and all 3 of them have turned on me because I called the situation out. Dont shoot the messenger. I have completely cut off contact with my sister, because he has her so brainwashed anything i say gets so twisted I was beginning to think I was going crazy and it was affecting my husband and children. Its sad because we used to be really close, and I have been so hurt in this situation that I dont know if i will ever get over it completely. I have completely stopped even trying to understand why 2 women would be so wrapped up with a jobless, abusive, controlling,lying AND unattractive parasite( I have chosen this term, because i cant justify calling him a man). Im sure your guy has probably destroyed your family relationships too in his quest to get you completely away from any outside influence. Hopefully you get the courage to leave him, and move on with your life.

@Ultradeluxe, you hit the nail on the head by calling out Nate. They just cant stop can they??


Absolutely 4 years ago

my biggest question is how do you learn how to trust? He convinced me over and over again that he was being honest, sincere, and would tell me if I had anything to worry about. I had faith, I wanted to believe and trust and I did. The times when I doubted and questioned, he made me feel so badly about it. I was the one who was wrong for not trusting.

I allowed it continue for so long. I discarded those doubts and pretended that I did not have these feelings that something was not right. she would be unavailable and he would be there for me. He had plans to go to a party, or somewhere with her that night, he would be with me that morning or the next day. I stopped questioning because he would turn it around on me.

I knew when I told him how much he hurts me and how badly I feel when they are carrying on in front of me that something was not right. He could care less. He made me the one who was wrong for doubting.

I was being played for a fool and yet I was in love. I doubted myself. I thought maybe the explanations he was giving me made sense and I was crazy.

@wendy- you cant understand why they would be so wrapped up in what appears to be such a bad situation. Because no matter how much they probably know things arent right, things arent great- they are brainwashed, sucked in, and blind to the truth. He charms them. He is what they have always desired and he has broken them down, used their weaknesses against them, and keeps them hanging on.

It is a lot of broken promises, a lot of talk of how good things will be, a lot of lies, and in the end a lot of heartbreak on one side. I told him I was done. I thought that he would be gone for good. He was the one backing away and told me he was done with me just the week before. But of course, he acted like nothing happened. He turned it all around and made it that it was all me. I have ruined what we had. He changed instantly. He was available, emailing, actually making plans(NEVER did that before). Of course she was busy that day but still he made plans to meet me the next day. But I knew in my heart this was because I said I was done. I believe it is only because I was the one who said I was finished with this that he came on strong again. Because despite turning things on me and blaming me for questioning him all of the time, he still wants me there. He wanted me to doubt myself, make me insecure and crazy, so that I would come back to him and then not question him anymore for fear that he would leave again.

It is such a hard thing to explain and so hard to leave. I have no idea who to trust, who to believe, who to love and I feel so confused. I am actually relieved that I am going to be away on vacation and will have some real time to get away and think. I think things will get a lot easier. I can only hope.


sunflower 4 years ago

Dear Absolutely

I feel your pain, but keep strong and stay away. He will keep on you because you said you were done. He will try anything to make you come back and to have control over you. I deal with this every day. I finally had to get a restraining order because the nagging just did not stop. So please go on vacation and clear your head. You will be much better off then having someone blaming you for their craziness.


Clarissa 4 years ago

If only the sociopath I know wasn't my brother.

If only I did not love him with all my heart, my family, my kin.

He is handsome, brilliant, is highly paid, charismatic, extremely depressed, and also very violent. I can't help feeling sorry for him because he is so depressed, and scared of him because he beats me up so much. He went for me with a kitchen knife a week ago (the reason I looked this subject up on the internet). He told me that maybe all the things that were wrong in this world was my fault, and that if he killed me then everyone would be happy again like our family was in my childhood.

I do not know why I stay with him when I should do something, call the police maybe, call women's help center for domestic abuse, maybe tell the doctor the next time I visit the emergency room, but I love him, and if he gets arrested because of what he did to me, he will never forgive me.

It's easy to say, "Get away."

It's hard to do, when you are in love with him in the way that only family can ever love someone.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

You need to get away, and just because it's easy to say doesn't make it less valid. You are in a horribly dangerous situation and if you value your life and you want to keep living, you must get away. Then you need help to try and sort out all the conflicting emotions you are experiencing. But first you must remove yourself from danger. I wish you the best.


Kyle 4 years ago

I was diagnosed with "Antisocial Personality Disorder", or psychopathy. My ex wife tricked me by hiding from me while I was in the Army and telling me if I went to therapy she wouldn't divorce me and take all my stuffs. It worked, to some degree. I went to a psychologist (a very intelligent woman). I lied and told her I basically needed a note from her explaining I was making progress. She denied it, told me my marriage was over, and within 3 weeks asked me to research APD. I had no idea what I was on the inside had a name. Surprise, she knew more about me than I did. I found another female with a compatible personality. She warns me when behavioral problems interfere with societal norms. It is good, as she normalizes my moods. I fear dying alone, so we both get what we want. I told my girlfriend what I had been diagnosed with, and she stayed. Sometimes I am reminded by my sisters of things that I did when I was a kid (hurting them, animals, etc). Its still funny but I've learned not to laugh. I've heard that as one gets older the symptoms become slighter. In a more positive environment I am able to pretend more efficiently. Perhaps if I pretend for long enough I actually will care. For now its the best I can do. APD is not to be avoided. Had no one told me what it was, I could not begin trying to become more stable. I suppose it depends on other factors as well.


granilo 4 years ago

I will love to share my testimony to all my friends because i never believe i will have my girlfriend back. When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her Facebook and she changed her Facebook status.when i went to her to her place of work she told her friends she never want to see me.I tried all i could do to have her back with me but all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to meet my aunt.I told her my problem and i all have passed through in getting her back and how she embarrass me in her place of work,he told me he is going to help me but don’t believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him,he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back home the following day and i called him when i got home,he said he is busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 3 days that is Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly 10:35am on Thursday and apologies for all she had done, she said she never knew what she’s doing she promised not to do that again.It was like am hallucinating when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my girlfriend called me on phone apologies. Am posting this to the forum for everybody that is interested in meeting the man for help this is his email address :alomaspelltemple@gmail.com All i have to say is THANK YOU DOCTOR


debbie 4 years ago

DR. Ekaka ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com I wanted to inform you of something. Okay, I currently live with my ex-boyfriend's mom because her husband and my ex moved to South Carolina. Well, you performed the love retrieval spell for me. I work 3rd shift and when I came home this morning, my ex's truck was in the driveway. I just got up and we chatted for a few minutes and he told me that he was moving back home. I just wanted to share this good news with you. Thanks. Your friend


mercy 4 years ago

I can't thank you enough for all that you have done for me. About a year ago I my partner split up, we had both made BIG mistakes in our relationship. He ended up moving away from me to pursue a new life. I knew in my heart that he would be the only one to make me happy. I was relieved when I found your email on a site about what you have done. I requested 3 to 4 day casting of the reunite us love spell and within 4days mark company had relocated him back to our hometown where I still lived. We immediately reconnected and move in with each other. Our wedding date is set for Summer 2012. Expect to see your invite in the mail!.thanks to upesaspelltemple@yahoo.com


BeenThere123 4 years ago

Very interesting finding this site. I'm a male, had an 8 month relationship with a full blown sociopath and think I got away. After 8 months of proven lies I got wise.

All I can offer is to give eveything you have to letting go of "the hold" and release it. I know how difficult it is. I still see her in town and my heart drops and I get nearly sick to my stomach. It takes a solid 1/2 hour to get my mind right. I am FIRM about the no contact thing and she has thrown everything at me. All lies to tug at me. I give her nothing. It's been 2 solid months of no contact and just this week I've been getting really good feelings. I pray to see her in passing now because the last 2 times I felt sorry for her, and let it pass. I know her life will forever be in shambles. I know her story never changes to every man she meets. She has told us all the same things. This has been confirmed. I've totally given up that feeling of trying to "save" her next victim. I BEG YOU, DO NOT GET INVOLVED. I feel less and less for her. I'm even getting cocky and hoping for the run-ins because I can laugh to myself and know that I made it out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully expecting one last push from her to make contact with the newest "disaster" and I have never been more excited in my life to ignore it. NO CONTACT. There is NO OTHER WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF.

zero contact. There is nothing more important in your life right now than this fact. Become an alcoholic, drug addict, anything is better than that cycle. NO CONTACT.

Feed yourself that drug and find pleasure in NO CONTACT. I know this sounds harsh, but anything less than NO CONTACT and you deserve what you get. Every time will be the same outcome. YOU have to break the cycle.

I'm acting all strong but I'm getting more and more joy from no contact that the excitement of no contact is wearing off. I'm out and will not respond.

good luck and be strong.

This site has given me unbelievable strength, because in the past I would respond to every attempt. It took a while but when she realized I wasn't responding her attention went elsewhere. I am so blessed.

Forever mindful of this experience, I feel like I've been through a 10 year relationship in 8 months. I'm now ready for the next pleasurable stage of my life. Yea!!!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Good news, Beenthere. Congratulations! You have shown yourself to have extraordinary strength. Hold onto that -- no backsliding. Wishing you a happy and healthy future.


Cdksa51 4 years ago

So here I am 2 and a half years after meeting my alcoholic sociopath. Communication with him is non existent, except for when he sends a drunken text when his current "date" is not about, or if she is then contact is made and a performance is staged.

She doesn't wish to hear anything bad about him, but she "offered him $20,000" which he took, and I assume he has now repaid after he had the unit I live in refinanced.

He told me that she gives him no grief...she's just calm, compliant, and gives him no trouble, they also drink a lot together, just as I did too from time to time in between his dates, but with her its wine, and liquer spirits...and as I said to her, she needs to pull back on the drinking if she is having concerns, and she needs to look at things through sober eyes.

Its funny how the sociopath finds your weaknesses and uses them to their benefit, he once said of one date that he could never find her achillies heel....

Sadly I tried to warn his new "date" before she became too committed, I just told her to look up the word "sociopath" in the hope that she would understand what she was getting into...but now, I hope she has her money back, and there is a trip booked for a christmas holiday, he has also bought a convertible car, and she moved in with him.

He was her first date after 8 years, and he played the charm on her, she fell for it hook, line and sinker, saying it was like she was addicted to him. She also has OCD...and she has money in the bank, and ideal target I understand.

In the time I have known him I have been introduced as the friend, or the office girl...and he used me for my skills. We went out for meals that he paid for, but I was different to the others, I had no money, but I had time on my side, and skills that helped him out in his business. It was good for me to have company as I have a bad back, and had become a bit socially isolated.

He always made promises he could not keep, and propositions that were based on nothing but dreams...he approached me with them, and I just reacted by saying we will see what happens, because you'd have to sell the business first.... I could see that the thing that frustrated him about me was that I was not impressed by material things, he always said when we had our "blow ups" as friends that I wanted "more".

The "more" I always wanted was respect and honesty. I was only ever a friend, a mate, and I would watch these women come and go, his behaviour would become more "manic" for want of a better word when a new prime target was in sight.

We talked about his behaviour, and at times I thought he was actually coming to realise more of that just being his nature...he would acknowledge things by saying "I'm hearing ya". I likened him to the alpha lion that had spotted the weakened gazelle. He would size up his target, measure how much effort he would have to put in to get his "reward" by hooking the next target.

Im not mistaken about why we were friends, I had skills, and he needed them, so he used me. I had time, and a disability, so it gave me something to do, and from it I learnt basic bookkeeping...which I am now studying.

But over the 2 1/2 years there were times when he could be as honest as he could be, he asked me what would happen if he had a date sleep over, my reply was to have fun and play nice. When he reconciled his relatioinship with is fiance last year her he told me how and when he was going to propose...

The difference with this new "date" is that she is now seeing what I tried to get her to see. He staged face off's so that I would not be around, and the date and I would not talk. Over the last 2 months there have been critical events, where his rage and distain of me has intensified, and he tells me I am to explain to him why I still have her number in my phone. His name is listed as "Do Not Contact", and hers is "Number Deleted", just to keep a record of any contact made.

I am owed money by him for some of the work done, he always offered to pay me for that specific work, which would involve research and drafting of documents, so after the last blow up I told him those skills were no longer available to him, and that he would have to pay for what I had done over the past 2 1/2 years. I also told him that I was no longer the back-up "girlfriend" , friend, office girl or mate.

I told him in April his behaviour was not acceptable, and that enough was enough. I stayed away until late May, keeping no contact in between, but, I went back after an acute flare up of my back injury and he was actually kind enough to help...but it was for show, not for concern. He had to show his new date that he was a man of his word.

So we come to now, he owes me money, his new date is living in with him, her and I have had txt contact, but I have told her today that will end, as I do not wish for there to be any negative contact flow-on when I lodge my claim with the Court for the money I am owed, and when I lodge my claim for him terminating my tenancy on retaliatory and discriminatory grounds.

I always saw myself as the friend that reflected back, or challenged his behaviour, but at April it was obvious that he was totally obsessed with the new date, and she receptive and accepting of his behaviours, so I stepped back, for my own health and safety.

Recently the verbal communication from him was only abusive, so I put my requests for payment in writing, and dealt with the real estate agent that manages the property. The occasional jab by way of txt is now ignored...but I have the funny feeling that there will be a late afteroon txt when he gets intoxicated through the week...

I'm a caring person, and always worked in caring roles with disadvantaged people. I know my nature, and I can see his....sometimes I reflected enough back that he would correct his behaviour, but with any one in these situations they have to take responsibility for their actions, and I am now putting my faith in the legal system, as I have tried every other strategy I know.

I know he is wired differently, he says I can't change him...I know that, and I dont think he can change him, but he can make decisions that make his behavious more "normal" for want of a better word, by not drinking, because alcohol only amplifies his manic behaviours and need for malicious revenge, harrasment and intimidation.

I now know what I am doing because I am away from his negative influence, I have a clear head, and I do not doubt my perspective on the issues I have to deal with.

The games are over, and reality and the law will take over from here.


Camille Harris profile image

Camille Harris 4 years ago from SF Bay Area

Hi Silva! Thank you for this incredibly helpful Hub. Judging by the number of comments, many of us have been affected by these individuals. I too have encountered and loved a sociopath. She was a close friend of mine, but after she began displaying many of the behaviors above and essentially stopped pretending to care about me (because these individuals rarely truly care for others), I ended the relationship. It certainly hurt me, but I'm better off. I wish she would recognize the danger of the path she's on, but unfortunately she has too many "yes men" in her life, inflating her already enormous ego. I'm just happy I got out when I did. Thanks for letting me vent!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

You're welcome, and thank you for reading this and leaving your comment. I'm glad you were able to escape when you did


hurt 4 years ago

I've found this forum so helpful. I ended my relationship with my sociopath just over 2 weeks ago. We dated for 8 months of this year, he was 8 years my senior and this longest adult relationship i've had. I'd met him last year at a mutual friends birthday and found him intense from the beginning. He had spent the whole time trying to impress me with his life stories, charm, money, etc but i'd sensed that something was a bit off with him and hadnt accepted his offer to go out for another drink that very night. He ended up taking one of my then friends home and sleeping with her instead.

I ran into him about 6 months later again at a party of this friend and he spent the night staring at me across the room before coming over and asking me straight out, completely confidently. We went on a date which was great but again he spent most of the night talking about his life with little interest in my mine. Again though, as he was very charming and handsome, I managed to look past what should have been big red flags. I went away for 3 weeks and he was in constant contact even calling on christmas day and new years eve even though we'd been on one date. When i returned he wanted to go out that very night and things moved very quickly from there. We were suddenly in almost daily contact, although it was always him doing most of the contact, as he wanted to talk when it suited him. He began calling me his girlfriend without discussing this with me and when i tried to bring it up, he changed the subject.

The more I got to know him, the more of the charming and nice guy seemed to slowly slip away. We'd go out drinking and he'd start arguments with me and the convince me that i was the one with the problem (I've never been a bad drunk or argumentative person ever before). He also began talking about how we should be able to tell each other our flaws as he wanted us to be honest with each other. The problem was, it was always my so called flaws he would pick up on, beginning with the line i heard so many times "i care about you the most so i'm going to be the one to tell you..."

Problems at work started arising and it was always someone elses fault. He would tell me how hed spoken to people and at the start i would feel sorry for him and take his side and think he was getting an unfair go, as this continued i started to notice he didnt seem to understand how to talk to people, especially his friends and this included me. I would get treated as his personal assistant and then told off as I had never done what he'd asked in the way he wanted it (no-one ever will).

There seemed to be a problem in every area of his life. Family was mostly disconnected, bad relationship with mother, who was also mentally ill (although now I wonder how true this was as I was never introduced to her), father didnt speak to him, had apparently betrayed him earlier, sisters in and out of life, other brother was a drug addict.

His ex-girlfriend had also apparently done him wrong, having an abortion without telling him as at the time he was busy with his business and didnt want a child but i'd say she'd just finally realised who he really was.

Friends werent always around, didnt seem to have very solid friendships with people, always annoyed and felt they had done things wrong by him so he couldnt be bothered to see them. I tried to keep my nice social group going, inviting him to things which at first he enjoyed but after a while wasnt interested in coming to and began getting in my ear about not seeing them as much. He would also be quite rude about them, saying things that were hurtful, often straight to their faces, which i would have to laugh off.

The one thing he did have that he couldnt get from me was money. Although it was always a discussion about how much he had, what hed spent, how he could get more, how much he'd made in the past etc. He spent lavishly and well beyond his means, because he believed he'd deserved it. He wanted to retire as hed reckoned he'd worked hard enough (hes 33) and used the cash to keep me happy as a few times in our relationship i'd tried to start the motion of getting out to only be showered with expensive dinners, concert tickets, bikes etc.

An interesting point was about 4 months into our relationship, a very good friend of his, took me aside and tried to point out his flaws (selfish, angry, agressive) and told me he wasnt the right guy for me. This confused me as it was something I had thought but hadnt had confirmed but yet I stayed with him, writing her off as someone who had a crush on him instead (this is what he thought about her).

The relationship seemed to get worse and worse yet his hold was stronger than ever. He began withholding sex from me, we'd had lots in the beginning and then suddenly when i would try and initiate he would get angry and annoyed with me, calling me disrespectful. The drinking and drug taking became more constant, he was rarely sober around me and this only fuelled the impulsive and irrational behaviour. And the constant emotional abuse became worse. I could never do anything right. His mood swings were very severe, sometimes he would sit in silence for the whole evening, refusing to communicate and then have a go at me other times for not talking to him enough.

A few weeks ago, he cut me off for one whole week, saying he had to study for a new job, and whilst this was extremely hurtful it forced me to see what i'd been hiding from myself the whole time. I cried and cried and began to blame myself for something I must have done to make him behave this way. But his complete lack of remorse or sympathy at how upset I was shocked me, this was supposed to be the person I loved and who loved me. I woke one morning after the week of being ignored and found the strong person that he'd beaten so badly out of me and knew I had to end it. He called and began to talk about how he'd didnt know where we were going and that he needed time and I basically let him have it. I told him everything that had happened, how he'd made me feel, how he was and how I wanted nothing else to do with him. And he didnt try and fight it, he told me everything that i said was right and that he needed help, he seemed upset i wanted him out of my life but i cant be sure this was really true. I dont think any of what I said made any impact on him at all.

And that was it. I've heard nothing from him since. Everyone seemed to think I would but I knew that I wouldnt, he is always the victim and i knew he would be playing this card for sure. The day we broke up I told my boss exactly how he had been and she was the first to point out the fact he may be a sociopath. Since then i've been trawling the internet, reading and I am shocked at how close to the bone this all is. I now have an explanation for all that I put up with and why he was the way he was. I feel so angry that he will never see how he really is and how he has no remorse for the way he behaves but i now know this is something i cannot change. I truely think as hard as it is, no contact is the only way forward. I think my friends think im a little mad branding him a psychopath but the honest truth is, I lived this, I know this is him.

So now i've begun the difficult task of letting him go. I feel at msot times relieved and can draw on many of the horrible experiences to help me through but obviously i still love and miss him and cant turn that off just yet. I think it will just take time and strength but its so helpful to see I'm not alone. I'm just going to be a wiser person from now on in.


Karen Mct 4 years ago

Hello. I am a 53 year old widow. ( They LOVE widows) My husband died connected to the military. This left me a military income. They love this as well. ( It translates into..I don't have to work...just spend her money) I met Pat on an online dating site. He was charming and said all the right things. He listened..and I talked. This allowed him to morph into my husband that I missed so much. He seemed so much like Jack that it took him no time to win my heart dollars....my husbands life insurance. ( He REALLY needed me to trust him and

believe in him) First it would be better to clear up his debt. Then we should do repairs to the house. He actually did put siding on the house...after that the ideas and promises never got done. He new he had me right where he wanted me. He was making trips to "see his dad in NY" come to find out he had been visiting a girl he met on line...he had been seeing her the whole time we were together. It had now been 2 1/2 years. I confronted him and he convinced me nothing happened . he made a mistake...had been unsure about us. It will never happen again. On we went. Soon the money was gone in my bank account. he said it went here and there and could offer no explanation. At this point the abuse had already started. He had tried to kill me and also his son. He said had there not been interference he would have. He had no remorse nor did he EVER appoligize. His son moved out at this point but..My son still had two more years of high school...he wanted me to leave but we could get Pat to leave the house...and so we stayed. At this point the sex was gone and if you brought it up he would scream at the top of his lungs what a whore and a slut you were. He made sure the whole neighborhood knew that you "wanted to be f______." His

words. It also would end physically...so I was careful never to bring it up. Things go from bad to worse. He convinced me to mortgage my house....it was mortgaged 7 times in the next two years with NOTHING to show for it. It was now mortgaged to the max. I knew I could never pay the mortgage if we ever split up. I know you are all wondering how could I stay...well all I can say is I should have left but these men somehow make you feel sorry for them...before you know it you are taking the blame for everything. Let me say in 4 1/2 years Pat held one job for a year. I needed him to work and so suggested we start up a furniture business. He was so talented at working with wood...and so we did. It was always good. Many customers. ..but never any money. Where the money went I have no idea. He ended getting me to borrow 17,000 from my parents ( who also believed in him) to expand our shop. They loaned it without thinking twice. I now found out I had the same cancer as Farah Faucet...a very rare and terminal one. So I joined an experimental group in Winston Salems Wake Forest Comprehensive Cancer Center. I had to live there for the treatments. It was hard but my only hope of survival lied with them. When I finally came home I found out that Pat had hoped I would die...so he tried to kill me. He needed the 200,000 in life insurance I had on myself. When I looked in his eyes as he tried to choke me to death...I saw it was blank...a black hole to his heart...I reached up and scratched him as hard and deep as I could...he let go....he told me his plan was to kill me...he thanked me for stopping him. After that I became a quiet mouse in a corner...never mentioning anything he didn't want/need to hear. It was always all about him...but now he had the total control. I never mentioned anything or speak unless spoken too. Two more years went by. The house was in foreclosure when I got a check for $20,000.00 the end of my estate money. I saved the house instead of leaving then. I have left now and the house is in foreclosure again. The business burned to the ground shortly after I left. ...and he still calls daily...texts...I am living with my son and daughter-in-law now. He won't give up because I still have a monthly income from my survivor benefits and disability. If I was broke he would be gone with out even looking back. This I am sure of. He tells me the devil was in him...and that he prayed for an hour and a half when I left...and that God removed the devil from his soul. He is a different man now...he is back to the loving sweet guy I met years ago. Very scary. Not only because there is a part of me who wants to believe this is true....but because he can morph like that. He can be anything he needs to be to win you over. He is seeing a shrink...on medication....and goes to church once in awhile...but he still has no job. Says he is trying. I also have to remind myself he is still living in mine and my husbands home...he won't leave. It is a free place to stay until he is evicted by foreclosure. He has no regard to the fact that this was our family home...and that he took it from us. You see he is still in there...the rest is just a morphing of who he thinks he needs to be in order to get me back. It is a daily struggle to remind myself of the mental and physical abuse I took for years. Of the abuse my children sustained. The abuse his own children took and the dogs took. He even broke his own dogs ribs...because the dog wanted to play ball too much. Ladies he is probably out there on dating sites....and on facebook. He is handsome, charming, smart, and quite the lier...he can be anything you need him to be...please be careful. If your heart tells you something isn't right then just run...don't make excuses for him. Don't take the blame...just go. If you have a good job, money, and most of all if you are a widow....he is after you....please be careful...and may God keep you safe....and your eyes open....you strong enough to run....and your mind sharp enough to believe in you.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you for coming on here and telling your story; a cautionary tale if I ever read one! I am sending you positive thoughts, you and your children. Truly a terrible warning. Please, everyone on sites like Match.com and others; please do your homework before you let someone like this into your life.


Karen McT 4 years ago

Taken in bye a smile..

The voices is true. Pat also talked of this. The voices are an internal battle that sociopaths have. It is like a devil on one shoulder God on the other. It is a constant state of chaos in their brain. They need to make the chaos yours...hence a high level of abuse. Pat said he hated the chaos but he caused it because he had to share the chaos in his head. Long story short these voices are the voices of a sociopath. The abuse to animals is also a HUGE sign. Pat would also talk of this. Socio's from what I have learned can spot us...widow's, nurses, and weak individuals...weak not in strength...but in giving...huge hearts...a mile away...and will attack and move in very quickly before we can see them for what they really are....help anyone who they can get too...but please be careful...be smart enough to play their game...and safe enough not to get caught. If you get caught he will try and kill you...your friend is where Pat is. Pat has been this way since about age 7...and functions at about that level. Has temper tantrums to get what he wants...and when confronted...screaming, ranting , raving, throwing things and breaking them. Definately a TRUE sociopath...be careful...Please. I will pray for you ..please pray for me as well...I still want mine and my husbands/families home back...thinking of trying to play Pat as well.


Karen McT 4 years ago

There is something else you must watch for...Sociopaths like Pat are excellent at projection. They will take what they feel about themselves and acuse you of being that way. An example would be in the sex department. If you try and mention that you would like more intimacy in the relationship...you will imeadiately start a fight...he will call you a whore....slut....and so on. It will not go well. They can not handle sexual contact. Just a touch may cause a flinch. If you suggest they need to get a job...they will tell you that your the lazy one...how you do nothing even though your home is imaculate...the kids clean...the fammily well cared for and fed....and somehow you will take this to be the truth...and you will try harder to please them. They are real good at projecting onto you...and making you feel guilty and take the blame for them. Many of the stories I have read here are from people involved with players...and not socio's. Bad either way but if they have taken your money...your home....your self esteem....been abusive....to you your children...their children..animals....smashed things during a rage...are normally not interested in sex or any form of intamacy...not even sitting next to you on a couch...they can morph into anything they need to be....can con a counselor.....are always "job hunting"...can not or won't hold a job...insult people they do not know...show rage on the road...project their feelings on you.....steal from people....Pat is still taking money and making sales on a business that is gone...still has his webpage....stays up on a computer at night(looking for his next victim)...while your asleep he will get up claiming he couldn't sleep....and the list goes on...you are with a socio....PLEASE get out before you are my age and have lost what you worked your whole life for.


Karen McT 4 years ago

Thank you Sylvia for this hub page. I wish we could reach others before it was too late for them. You are a gift from God for trying to reach out and help others. Thank you again. Karen


Gloria 52 4 years ago

Dear Sylvia,

32 years ago I dated and fell in love with a seemingly great young man. I spent many years after we parted wondering and worrying how he was and what he became. One day, in January of 2011 I had a horrible dream about him, in the dream he had come to our home to tell me he had died. I felt restless for days after this dream and after a bit of encouragement from friends, I tracked him down. I located his brother and he let me know my old friend was okay. I felt so relieved, after all, this was a man that I loved deeply. About, one week after I heard from his brother, he called. That is when my hell began. He called again and again, sharing the misery of his life, his wife, his step children, step grandchildren. What transpired over the course of 12 months was nothing good. He is a master at manipulation, he lies with ease, he cheats every chance he gets, he steals, he cons, he laughs at others pain yet uses other's pain to advance and distract. He causes trouble and then walks away blaming every one for his actions. He cons elderly people out of money, he has no job, he left his home state saying "I was sick of trying to help everyone", when he moved to where he is now, he burned his bridges there, he bought one house, lived there for a few years and he and his wife swindled a new home out of an elderly, sick woman. He lived there for a while and moved yet again. He has taught his wife's children to play the system, the "kids" are 37 and 34, hardly kids. He once told a family member to fake mental illness,"Its easy", he says. His wife has never worked either. His family says "They are just weird". He loves causing trouble, it entertains him and she loves cleaning it up. He gets bored easily, has no respect for the intelligence of others. This, in my opinion is where Sociopaths do make mistakes, they think they are smarter than everyone when in fact they are not. They get lazy, and when they get lazy they sometimes make bad judgements, they find someone who is smarter than they are and man, that is when they get really, really angry. He recently tried to kidnap and take across state lines, his step grandson. The boy is damaged beyond repair due to many years of this man coaching him to behave in violent, manipulative ways. In Martha Stouts book, The Sociopath Next Door, she tell the reader and the general population to inform the Police of these types of people. Well, easier said than done. Due to this man's wife, who is, for all intents and purposes, the perfect veil, no one believes they are a danger until it is too late. I was fortunate, I had a father who was diagnosed with ASPD and as sure as the sun rises in the east, this man's patterns and behavior are a carbon copy of my dad. He was put on Haldol for a number of years, not weeks, due to his behavior but he is back in full swing, tormenting any one in his rage filled path, all the while, his wife of 30 years professes her love for him, love he needs to fuel his fire but love he never feels. They have both been in therapy and fool all of the psychiatric community. She thinks he will get better and he thrives on that thought pattern. The Hare Scale is a useful tool and if any one out there ever suspects someone is a Sociopath, chances are, you are correct. Run, don't walk away.


HitAndRun7 4 years ago

I was recently (regretfully) involved with a sociopath. I never knew there was such a thing. I only discovered the truth after it was all over and I started to Google things that happened and things that were said to me to try to make sense of what happened. Compared to some of the stories here, I think most would agree that I 'got off easy' from this relationship and didn't get hurt too bad. I'm still recuperating from all this though, and have been suffering pretty badly. I was involved with this person for a few years, but I'll just touch on some major points that I feel might be informative or useful to others looking for answers. I won't get to specifc with details. I'm concerned a bit, as I have learned that sociopaths will possibly seek revenge if exposed. Here's what I learned:

1. ONLINE ADDICTION - we met online by chance. It was a fan site that I was looking for info on and you could chat with other fans. We talked for months online, then the phone, then met. During our relationship this person was online all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night and find this person online all hours of the night claiming anything but the truth- that they were looking for more people to victimize. This person has an small, insugnificant office

job that allows a lot of free time to also cuise the internet. I would also recieve (too) many emails with news clips, pictures, etc but from several different email addresses over a few months. When I inquired on why this was, I was dismissed and immediately sidetracked with another topic. This person also obtained an ipod Touch which filled in the gaps between work online usage and home online cruising. This person was/is still on Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, Instagram and Pintrest. That's just the ones I've uncovered to date. And if that's not enough for anyone, they have multiple accounts on some of these sites!!

This person was also fond of taking lots of photos. They use them to mix with other photos to make 'stories' or to make events look better on these sites (ex. a picture of a great meal from a year ago mixed with pictures from a date with someone else this year with a lesser meal to make it look like a better date time), or to tell a different story entirely. Weird, creepy, bizarre story creation and manipulation.

2. ABSOLUTE 100% LACK OF ANY TRUE FEELINGS. This person had several close family members die under very sad circumstances, while I was with them, but this person NEVER cried (at the hospital, funeral, anytime before-during-or after). When gently questioned about their feelings and this fact, I was told that they were just "blocking it out". I was also told too many times too quickly (smothering feeling) "I love you". When I started to ask back "Why do you love me?" this person would never have a good answer. I would get "just because you're you" or some other weak declaration, or just a puzzled look. This person has a young child which I never saw them cuddle, tickle, hug or any other genuine parent/child interaction like that. This person frequently 'forgot' to make sure the child had a hat, a scarf, boots on freezing days and continually forget to bring (or apply if you bought or brought it for them) sunscreen at the beach on a scorching July day. Odd thing though, this person had the child sleep in their bed with them if you were not there.

3. LOVE BOMB or TEXT BOMB and TOO NEEDY. Non-stop. All day. Into the night. Two minutes after you left. Two minutes before you pulled up. I didn't really register fully this until after it all stopped and it was silent. Too many calls as well. Usually the same time every night, often me falling asleep on the phone. Making sure I was home alone? Or convincing me you were? Or was it just brainwashing and leaving no time for any other thoughts to enter one's mind? This person wanted me to move in from even before we met in person. It's all they talked about- even on the last day. I trusted my gut, and never did. I was open to it originally, but quickly saw this person was TOO irresponsible and was looking for me to be the (only) responsible one for them as well as their child.

4. STRAINED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS. This person had a dysfunctional story for each family member, that didn't quite add up. One parent that I believe perhaps felt sorry for me, or guilty I was not told anything about this person, would make remarks about the lack of friends or need for meds to this person in front of me perhaps to clue me in. I'm positive the family knew quite well, but some were in denial and others were hoping it would disapppear or someone would take the burden off them). Another family member tried to tell me something about this person at a dinner where everyone had a bit too much to drink and this person had left the room- but it was disupted by a quick return. Holidays were always akward, as this person would slip in and out of the gathering to go the bathroom and then slip into a room with a computer and be lost for hours. Another observation- there was no hugging with this person either... just THIS person.

5. LYING and LYING ABOUT LYING! This told many spins on a single truth which made things hard to follow. Everyone was out to get them- EVERYONE from co-workers, to family, to neighbors, to the janitor. Everyone was a mess- but them. This one cheats on his wife, this one steals, this ones a crackhead, this one's been married numerous times, ex was a psycho (walked in on screaming matches on the phone together "No- You're the Psycho!"), this one screws with my stuff at work to make me look bad. This person was always the victim. They would blurt out odd past stuff about themselves while having coffee at the coffee shop. This happened to poor me, that happened to poor me, they all did this mean unforgivable crazy stuff to me (sexual stuff was always a favorite topic here). That's why I'm screwed up, broke, etc. Never their fault. They did it all too me. POOR ME! Help me!

6. CRAZY IMPULSE PURCHASES- no money for real life (like rent, food, phone). On a whim, this person would start 'collecting' something and within a short period of a couple of weeks purchase everything they could on it and then be broke and let you know so you could offer to bail them out. This person never directly asked for money, but would do a job manipulating you (and I found out a lot of other people at the same time) to pay for their life necessities. The impulse items, along with gifts they received from others would always disappear in a month or so too. You would find them broken or just tossed in the trash (boredom?).

7. SEX- this was a same sex relationship, consumated on the first date. It was really exciting for a few months, and then came to an abrupt halt. I didn't like the way this person would have no emotions after the act. WHAM. BAM, so what do you wanna do now? attitude. I came up with various excuses to avoid it and the topic. I began to realize that this person used the act to later manipulate me. I couldn't see it at the time, but my gut told me something just wasn't right with person. I started to think that maybe all the things they said had happened to them had made them a little off center in everything- sex, needy, impulsive, child emotionally neglected, all of it. I stuck around for years trying to 'help' or 'save' this person. MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE. Trying to help this person was financially draining but the worst has been how it has emotionally drained me. I am not the same person. I know now I was 'targeted' for my kindness, for my trusting nature and for my desire to make things better on this planet. I was used and abused. I learned after the fact that this person is a real predator only out for what they want. When I was no longer useful, I was dumped in a heartbeat. No "I wish you well" or "Thank you for everything through the years" not even a "Screw you go to hell jerk" departure. This person is now involved with someone of the opposite sex and is tighten the screws on that poor soul as I type and breathe. I found out that they have been screwing around with both sexes behind my back for years.


HitAndRun7 4 years ago

Odd, unexplainable acts are red flags- drastic, sudden changes to their appearance... quick changes of address or phones... inappropriate sexual requests or demands. This person would never let me say "make love"- they would get infuriated at those words- they preferred vulgar, slang terms instead.

Check out credit history, education, where they have lived, any possible long term friends, past relationship history of anyone you are interested in. If they are true, they won't mind, they will encourage you to do so. This person also claimed to have friends, but none ever materialized. There was one creepy on-and-off again 'friend' who I am now positive is also a (dangerous) psychopath who could and has even manipulated the one who caught me in their web. They appear and quickly disappear online. Also be aware that these people can change to be whatever they think you want/need. This person immediately did a 180 flip and started looking, dressing, acting, even the voice was different to hook the new victim! Some flip between the sexes when they get bored. It's all a game for them. They don't dump one before sealing the deal with the next. They are always looking for an upgrade, even if you think things are fine- you're gonna get discarded when THEY say- which is usually without warning. This person has no true self. They are using things that were near and dear to me (like hobbies, authors, etc) to post on Facebook and other sites to use my personality to attract new victims. Scary to say the least. This person wanted us to 'be friends later, just not right now' also. I have learned that this is just in case the new person isn't working out, they'll toy with and use you a little longer until they have someone again. They are unable to be alone for any amount of time. There was constant confusing bickering and stating the same things over and over like brainwashing to try to get me to do or give whatever they had their heart set on getting today. Nothing ever made sense and I see now it never will. The last day this person 'let the mask slip' and I saw them for who they really are. It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I will never forget the last cold stare before they walked away. Two weeks later they sent me a gift to toy with me, and then ask for money for a sad story to see if I'd still comply. I have cut this person out of my life like a cancer- thrown out every little thing that they gave me, I bought while with them, pictures, anything that even slightly reminded me of them and that has helped me heal. Sharing this also helps me heal. I want to warn the current 'mark', but as one of your posters has pointed out, that's not a good idea.

Kicking the beehive rarely ends well for the kicker!

NO CONTACT is also the best advice for anyone out of the cycle or trying to get out. I've wasted enough time and other resources on this fake relationship they fooled me with. My REAL life is waiting for me to get back to it.

FACT: There are some people who come into your life pretending that they love you only because they need you. Think about it.

FACT: Lying is done with both words and silence. Think about it.

A mistake is an accident. Lying and cheating are NOT mistakes. The are intentional choices. think about it.

Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half. Think about this.

Remember there are some people who will be what you want or need, or tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. You are merely an object to them. They are not capable of love, although they study others to learn how to fake it somewhat. They adjust constantly.

TRUST YOUR GUT. Talk to someone you trust and respect about how your relationship is going on a regular basis (something I've learned) and be honest about it all- especially something that 'just doesn't seem right' or 'feel right'. Don't let the person isolate you. Take a break from them once in a while, just to think straight. This person would never let me have a day alone to think. Once I had a week alone, after it was now over, it was like smoke clearing and it all became very clear.

Thank you to Sylvia for this post and all those who have posted and shared, as you have all helped many of us and will continue to do so. For anyone reading this and realizing they are caught in someone's web- GET AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. These people are dangerous in many ways and have no pity or remorse. They have no feelings. They'll run you over and smile while they're doing it. It's all a game to them. Educate yourself and those you cherish.

There are many resources and lots of valuable information online, and many of us who understand.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Thank you so much, HitAndRun7, this comment is full of good information and good advice. "Get away and don't look back" is the ONLY answer.


Gloria 52 4 years ago

HitAndRun7,

It is incredible to me how everything I have read by individuals who have had an experience with a Sociopath all state the same behavior. Flattery, love, need, desire all lead to use, abuse, neglect, blame, violence, threats and then...the end. Blunt force trauma is the way a therapist explained the behavior to me. The man I was involved with cried easily, berated often, angered quickly, showered me with compliments, then when he could not cover his tracks any longer, he called me a stalker, liar and yes, he said I was what I told him he is, a Sociopath! They are masters. Gaslighting, projecting, blaming, lying. I did what was advised, I got out quickly. These people have a cerebral

cortex that is "chronically under aroused". It is a disability of sorts. No one would choose to live this way. Sylvia, medically, there is nothing that can be done, meds and monitoring quell some urges but can you please explain why a woman would stay with a man that is a Sociopath? I get the typical, "I can change him", "He loves me", and so on, but what is her responsibility, your input would be appreciated.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

No one can fully explain it; it seems that victims who stay might suffer from low self-esteem, among other issues. I know women (or men) who, at the beginning of bad treatment from a sociopath, will throw up their hands and say " ___ this! I won't put up with it!" and walk away. Then there are others who are in a constant state of denial and as you say, they are thinking, "he (or she) will change, he (or she) loves me," etc. Then there is the sad situation where the sociopath is a family member, and there are children involved, and that makes it so much more difficult to resolve the situation. When you say "what is her responsibility?" I am not quite sure what you are asking. Do we have a responsibility to try and get treatment for the sociopath? I don't think that's a viable option, as it seems to be a wide-spread opinion that this type of disorder cannot be treated successfully. Do we have a responsibility to warn others in his/her path? That doesn't seem to be indicated, either. In almost all cases, the new victim is not convinced of the danger and instead blames the messenger.


Gloria 52 4 years ago

Thank you Sylvia! The question I asked of responsibility comes from Martha Stouts book, in the final pages she encourages us to "inform local Law Enforcement" of our experience, not that they can do anything other than keep them on their radar. In my case this man with the aid of his wife, also predated on an elderly female and made off with a large sum of money. I did inform the authorities and they were extremely grateful. This is not to say that every Sheriff Dept will respond in kind. Yes, the messenger is the one who gets blamed! When I warned his family what he is, they also refused to believe...until it was too late and he injured a few of them. Even with this, they believe medicine will help and will not read anything on the subject. One more question Sylvia, the wife of this man I spoke of has a daughter from here first marriage, her daughter reached out o me a while back, she said the following "My mother's head gets clear when she is away from him but when she goes back, he manipulates her and she gets 'foggy' again". And yes, he berates her and yes, she has no self esteem, she spends all of her time covering his tracks and over compensating for his lack of love. If this woman stayed away long enough and got therapy, could she finally see through the veil? Is there hope? Thanks you for your time and your HubPage, until this, I felt alone.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Yes, in my opinion there is hope for her IF she stays away long enough and therapy would be a huge plus. And back to the question of responsibility, Yes! we all have a responsibility to inform the authorities in the case of elder abuse or child abuse, absolutely. I was only thinking in terms of capable adults who refuse to see their love interest for what he or she truly is. Thank you for sharing with us, Gloria.


littlecay 4 years ago

My Sociopath did the same thing to me, using projection and gaslighting. At the end of our friendship, I was just trying to get out of the area. I believe this is when I was no longer use to him. He was ready to mimick me and was not trying to hide anything longer. He told me I was mently unstable and said meny other damaging things. Yes I was in denial for sometime. But I never heard of a Sociopath or Narcissist. He hid everything well.


Gloria 4 years ago

It seems we have all been fooled, but now we are wiser and like my son once said..."Ease into friendships mom, think of new meetings like the waters on the shoreline of a lake after a cold winter...wade, do not jump!"


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Your son is wise. That is such good advice. Why don't they teach stuff like this in high school? If they don't, they should.


Gloria 52 4 years ago

It would have to be an elected course? Perhaps in a History class they could incorporate Hilter's mindset and the havoc he created through that mind, then work that into the population at large? I think that would be a fabulous idea and it would certainly prevent many people from being scammed, conned, duped. The way I got through the short lived pain was to keep in mind I cared for a human who did not care I cared! No heart, no worries. Like I stated, I got out quicker than most because he was a carbon copy of my father, brother, and grandmother. My son knows all the signs to watch for and has his own ideas as to what should be done with these "people". A female Criminal Psychiatrist featured in Psychology Today, June 2012, edition, stated that those who harbor, condone and the best thing for these people is Haldol and lock up. She has seen much pain in her career. Most in the profession agree. Your hub page has been more support than you realize.


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

Many powerful world leaders, political and financial giants, are sociopaths or were during their time. What a brilliant suggestion to work it into a History class and show the progression and the havoc they wreak upon society, not just on individuals but on huge groups of people.


littlecay 4 years ago

I was thinking the Red Cross should have warning posters! But I thank everyone here about sharing their experiences.


Gloria 4 years ago

Sylvia is correct in stating education is the way to approach this. At this very writing, an acquaintance of mine is on his way to a Federal Prison, to visit a brother of the Sociopath I was familiar with. He says he understands his friends have "issues", a term used to gloss over cold, hard facts. When I told him I could not possibly remain in contact with him because of his contact with these men, he told me I could not tell him who to associate with. I did not, I told him I will not be near those who quietly condone such people. This person was a Social Worker so you see, everyone gets fooled by these people. He was friends with them before the blast of behavior from the Sociopath and sees me as the reason they no longer communicate, he does not see the illnesses of these men? This brings us back to education, we should bring this to the attention of our High Schools, I plan to do just that. I would also like to say that it is refreshing to be part of a forum that does not allow people to come on and insult our feelings and experiences. Thank you Sylvia.


Lynne 4 years ago

I am still in the grieving process of falling in love with a sociopath. The man nearly destroyed me. We dated for almost two years but we lived 130 miles apart. He doesn't have a job, lives on food stamps and has three kids. I was an ATM machine throughout the relationship even paying for his gas to travel to visit me. He was offered a job in another state and I bought plane tickets every 3 weeks to go visit him. He was fired from that job after 3 months. He has been married three times. His phone was full of texts, emails, facebook posts from other girls but he would lie to my face about each and every one. I found a girls tank top in his room and he explained that away. I found a condom in his wallet and he explained that away. Being with him was a form of torture but I was addicted to this man like a junkie is to heroin. I am a smart woman with a fantastic job and a 13 year old daughter. I didn't date very much in the 12 years I have been divorced and then I met this monster online. So why am I grieving when I should be celebrating? He broke up with me over a text and then broke into my home and stole my belongings. And I know he has another "target" or "victim" because he wouldnt have discarded me otherwise. The problem is my feelings were real even if his weren't. So I am grieving the loss of what I thought I had. Not what was real. So sick and twisted that these people evist in our world. They should be thrown in jail and not allowed to walk among society and prey on innocent people.


Gloria 4 years ago

Lynne,

How lucky are we that we found Silva and this place to share and vent! You are mourning the loss and that is natural. My sociopath had a wife and also conned other people out of their money, he freely took anything I gave him, whether it be emotional support or material items. When I asked for a Navajo made pendant back my husband gave me, that I let him borrow, he told me I did not deserve it! He mooches off friends(none left now)and family and gives nothing in return. In my opinion Socios like him are more dangerous because he has spousal support. He finds the victims and she reels them in. Evil is everywhere and as Silva stated in the introduction to this site, we have to move away from them. There is so much literature out there that will help you through as your grieve and yes, I believe you loved him and I believe to you and the rest of us it felt real. In time, however, when you step back, you will see what he is and hopefully say to yourself what I did...."Thank God I got out when I did." I still shudder when I think I tried to help this fool...my therapist said, once we know what they are yet continue to stay..we are volunteers, not victims. You will find comfort here on Silva's pages. I joined a support group where we actually meet in the flesh and it helps.


Gloria 4 years ago

Gotye, "Somebody that I used to Know" more that a great rhythmic tune...listen to the lyrics. Carefully.


Gloria 4 years ago

Silva,

Do Sociopaths "fool" their spouses with tears and admissions of wrong doings?


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas Author

For awhile. I would guess that their spouses eventually figure it out.


Gloria 4 years ago

for 30 years?


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    How to Spot a Sociopath

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