Why Do I Feel Like Something is Missing in My Relationship?

Drawing Copyright (c) 2009 Glenn Stok
Drawing Copyright (c) 2009 Glenn Stok

Why do we often get involved with someone who doesn't quite fulfill our needs? As a result, when something is missing in a relationship we tend to hold off with making a permanent commitment to that relationship.

We may still live, love, and laugh. But both partners may feel some emptiness. We may feel so unsettled by it that we fail to communicate about the issues. Especially if what's missing is some strong need that we may be ignoring.

Some people think we are commitment phobic. In reality we have no problem building and holding on to long-term relationships. But these relationships go nowhere. Something important is missing.

What's missing may be some strong need of ours that we don't even realize we have. Something we don't want to be without. It’s important to know what this strong need is or else we may remain stuck.


Get in Touch with the Feelings of What You Want

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It’s important to know what this strong need is. And we need to either accept not having it, or recognize that we can’t live without it and stop wasting time with an unsuitable partner if it's not contributing to the life we want.

If you are generally happy with things and you just have that feeling something is missing, the first thing to do is understand why that feeling is there. It may be an easy way to determine what needs to be changed and how to change it.


Some people are powerless; they can’t make the required changes because they never get in touch with what is wrong. But that’s not you.You're already interested in finding the problem because you are reading this.


So, give this some thought...

Do you end up always feeling that something is missing but you can't quite figure out what it is? Do you have a strong need for something that’s so important that you can’t imagine living without it?

That might be what's standing in the way. But to have a better relationship you have to know what it is. It may be helpful for you to get in touch with it.

You might keep searching for a perfect partner in vain if you don't know what is your absolute necessity. This is something you would feel deep inside -- your gut feelings. You'll never know what’s preventing your success for a healthy relationship if you don't focus on this need. You’ll end up going from partner to partner without fully involving yourself in any relationship. Does this sound like the pattern of your life?


Find What's Missing with Communication and Trust

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If you find someone with whom you share the same understanding, someone who you can appreciate for what he or she is, and you trust one another…then you’ll find it easier to get involved emotionally, and you’ll know it. Better yet, you’ll feel it.

Use that trust and understanding to discuss the issues you might be having. An honest and open communication will help you both work on a compromise and find solutions to relationship problems. If nothing else, at least it may help you both recognize the limits of the relationship and accept it or avoid throwing away years with an incompatible partner.

Failure to communicate can really disrupt the possibility of success with a relationship. Sometimes something is just plain misunderstood. Talking about it can clear things up.


The Two Concepts of Availability

Are you really available?

There are two concepts of emotional availability in relationships:
 
1. Giving your full attention to the relationship you're in.
2. Recognizing if you're in an undesirable relationship.

In the first case you'll want to be fully emotionally involved. In the second case you need the courage to move on -- to be available when the right one comes along.

Of course you want to work on your relationship, and therefore you need to pay attention to it. Paying attention helps the relationship grow and helps you make a permanent commitment.

Paying attention also helps you discover if you’re in an undesirable relationship that doesn’t fit with your life plan. You become available, or free, to get out there again and hopefully find a better match.


What Kind of Relationship Do You Really Want?

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We need to be emotionally available to commit to a permanent relationship.

But if we don’t recognize when we are with someone who is not right for us, then we stay anyway for any of a number of reasons: For sex, for companionship, a travel partner, whatever. In this case we are not allowing ourselves to become available for the right person.

Looking back on my experiences, I've noticed that I have had relationships where we just never discussed and shared our dreams with one another. We just let time go by and enjoyed being together. But we did not work at creating growth with a movement towards a common goal. The goal of marriage.

Why I kept finding women who were so patient, I do not know. I must have been subconsciously selecting women who were so patient that they just went along with being in a relationship without having the need to discuss making a future of it.

We were fooling ourselves. We were in a relationship, but we didn’t examine any plans for a future. There was physical intimacy but no emotional intimacy.

Learning what the common needs are and what we both want from the relationship is important. Sharing this knowledge works only when we have open communication and emotional availability. Otherwise there may be a lack of commitment. Or worse, both partners may actually want something different out of life, but they are comfortable with the status quo of the existing relationship. Can a thing like that last?


Things We Might be Overlooking


What’s missing? Is it a goal for a particular kind of relationship that you never went after? Is it a dream that was never pursued?

Many feelings can get in the way of moving forward. Some of those feelings may be fear that things will turn out differently than we want. Many times we lose sight of other things that are more important to us.

Is there something you were passionate about and actually planed how you were going to achieve it - but then never completed the mission?

Maybe you just got comfortable with the status quo and were happy with whatever came your way in life. Many people do that. I do it. There’s nothing wrong with it. Happiness is a good thing.

But if it stands in the way of something really important that you know you want, then you need to stop overlooking what standing in your way. That’s called denial. And that is one of the most common methods of avoidance.


Making a Difference with a Dream Relationship

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Some people find their lives turning out miserably and not at all what they had dreamed of as a child. How many people do you know who blame their misfortunes on the world? They don't own up to taking responsibility for how their life turns out. I know many people who say, “That’s just the way it is.”

The problem is that many people don’t know how to focus on a dream and make it reality. It takes a certain amount of goal setting and communication to avoid confusion. After all, each of you may have conflicting dreams. That can make it seem that something is missing or that something is wrong.

If you want your dreams to come true, you need to understand what it is you really want. You also need to know how much you want it and why you want it. This will help you get over any reasons for avoiding the goal.

Then you need to make a plan to get from where you are now, to where you want to be. Make specific goals and write down a list of steps to follow to achieve those goals. A written list is helpful since it can be reviewed from time to time.

Goals need to be specific so you know what you want to accomplish. You need to get in touch with your passion so you know what to stay focused on.

But each step of the way has to be attainable or else you’ll lose your motivation to continue. You can't just make a goal and forget about it.


Confusion Causes Feelings that Something is Missing


Feelings of something missing can be due to our being disconnected from our heart's desire. We can only become emotionally available when we understand what we think is lacking.

We need to focus on what is really important to avoid being confused. We need to know when we are wasting time in an unacceptable relationship and we need to have the wherewithal to end it or to fix it.

But we shouldn’t give too much thought to the issues. By thinking too much about it we find all the reasons why it's no good. Sometimes that may be important to do. But if we do it all the time we may end up missing out on spending a lifetime with someone we can get along well with.

We’ll know it’s right when we accept the other person as they are, despite our fears and uncertainties.

When we do realize we’re in a wonderful relationship, we need to be available to the concept that this is the one, and that we want the relationship forever.


Know What's Important to You In a Relationship

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We often think about what’s important to us. But how many of us make good use of these thoughts and actually do something about it?

That’s where goals are important. Goals can include changing bad habits. Discontinuing doing something that’s detrimental to our future is just as important as starting a new venture.

Many of our less important goals tend to become forgotten. We not only fail to keep up with it, but we even forget the commitment we made to achieving that goal.

Don’t make that mistake with relationship goals! It may be the reason why you feel something is missing.

Look where you are today. Losing sight of past achievements can cause you to lose the motivation to keep pushing for more.

If you don't do anything about making all your dreams into reality, you may eventually lose the desire and you’ll forget about them. But the feeling that something is missing will remain with you, haunting you. It may even affect your relationship with your significant other.

I know many people who are very successful and achieved a lot in life. But there were other things they had wanted and they feel a void in their personal life.

They tell me what they missed out on. Then I ask what they are doing about it. They say they are too busy with other things. At that point I ask what is more important? The stuff they are busy with? Or the goal they didn’t pursue? Or their relationship with the one special person they are grateful to have in their life.

That’s something to think about!


© 2009 Glenn Stok

More by this Author


What do you think about all this? 12 comments

SEO IT! profile image

SEO IT! 6 years ago from Tucson, AZ

Wow. This hub really hit home. After 19 years of marriage, things came to a screeching halt and when we reconciled a few months later, the biggest issue was honoring each other's values. We're working on it and through it, but I have to say that we could not have done so 10 years ago and I'm not recommending that people put themselves through the same situation. I needed to read this 20 years ago, but the kicker is that if I had, I would have discounted it. At 19, all that mattered was "looooooove..." Great excerpt! I think many people will benefit from it.


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 6 years ago from Long Island, NY Author

SEO IT!, We all see things differently as time goes on. I could not have written my book 20 years ago as that is when I was making all the mistakes. That's why I call it "What Was I Thinking?" I wish you success with working on reconciling your relationship. If you loved him then, you'll respect him now for what he is. If that makes any sense. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


GClark profile image

GClark 4 years ago from United States

A great thought provoking hub. Relationships can be difficult for many reasons. I experienced marrying someone I thought I knew and communicated with only to realize many years later that I didn't really know this person. Discovered that since I was very open about what was important to me that he either intentionally or subconsciously mirrored what was important to me. Women are often very guilty of doing the same thing such as pretending an interest in something that doesn't interest them at all just because their boyfriend likes it.


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 4 years ago from Long Island, NY Author

GClark, That is very interesting and insightful. That is done by both men and women. It's sad that there are relationships where the parties involved never really get to know one another, or understanding what the other is reacting to. Thanks for sharing.


jeyaramd profile image

jeyaramd 4 years ago from Mississauga, Ontario

Thanks for posting this. Sometimes, when we find that there is something missing in our relationships; its important that we don't leave these ideas dormant. We should think them through and ask ourselves questions of whether we are happy and what we would like to happen in our relationship. We do this all the time at work; where we judge where we are heading as an organization. Similarly, at home we should see if our values as individuals are being met as well as a married couple being met through our union. Its kind of like having a reflective moment from time to time to see if you are both headed in the direction that you want to be taking. That's important. Your hub post was thorough and a delight to read. I wished most people would take the advice of follow hubbers. We can learn so much from life if we read material like this. Relationships are to be savored. Thank you so much.


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 4 years ago from Long Island, NY Author

Jeyaramd, you comment was very insightful and very informative. In addition your review of my hub was very kind of you. Thank you.


Sue B. profile image

Sue B. 4 years ago

I really liked this hub. You are very honest and open which I think will help a lot of people.

I liked your concept of "available."

This hub made me think of how important it is to resolve the relationships we have within before we can expect to resolve any relationship issues internally. This is part of the reason why I am so interested in dreams. I find dreams set the stage and perform these inner relationships for us.

It is powerful to discover that what is going on within us really affects our social environment. When we are not honest with ourselves, we simply have trouble connecting with others and being genuine.

Your book looks interesting. I find books about the mistakes people have made who are honest enough to share with them the world are the best books to read!


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 4 years ago from Long Island, NY Author

Sue, That concept of availability I had learned from a therapist. It took a while for him to get me to understand it. Thank you so much for your kind comments about this Hub. I'm glad you find my book interesting. Not sure if you picked up a copy or if you are referring to the Amazon description. If you don't have it, I'll give you a copy at the next HubMeet next month.


barbara wyckoff 4 years ago

Glenn- You hit on some interesting points. Fruedian thinking leads me to believe that sometimes it is also quite deeper than this article leads one to believe, Often one can not merge into relationships because of a pain inflicted upon us in the past through a past hurt or abuse, be it emotional or physical. Seemingly innocent and unrelated we often project ones feelings anew as if relected back on ourselves- like a mirror- hoping that in the replaying of the story one can ensure a different and positive ending.


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 4 years ago from Long Island, NY Author

Barbara, Thanks so much for your insightful explanation. Yes, that is very true. We tend to repeat our "life story" over and over hoping that somewhere along the way it works, to achieve a different and positive ending, as you put it. Psychologists explain this as repeating our mistakes until we get healed from the pain inflicted upon us in the past.

Your comment is a very important addition to the understanding of this situation. There is so much to it that I wrote other articles on the subject as well. Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate your input.


3amigos 3 years ago

What do you do when you have made a marriage and family with someone who doesn't fill your emotional needs, but is a good husband in all other aspects?


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 3 years ago from Long Island, NY Author

3amigos - You have to go with your own feelings. But since you are asking I can only give you my own viewpoint...

Since you already have a family (I assume you mean you have children) then it is important to consider them in the decision.

I would try to discuss your emotional needs with your husband. Since he is good in all other respects, I am sure he would be open to hearing what you have to say. Who knows, he might be having the same thoughts and not knowing how to present it to you for fear of hurting you. Communication is a great healer.

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