Stuff You Probably Shouldn't Say On A First Date

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When In Doubt, Don't Say It

I've been trying online dating off and on for quite some time now. I've also met people the good old fashioned way - in person. Aside from my own experiences, I know how my friends' dating lives are going, too. I am friends with a nice variety of people: straight men and women, gay men and women, and even the occasional bisexual. What I've learned from listening to my friends is this: everyone is insane.

Yes, I said it. We are all crazy. The thing is, you have to meet someone for a while to really know the level of insanity you are about to experience while in a relationship with that person. It is OK. We are all crazy, so it is just all about finding out what type of insanity you enjoy being around the most.

What I can't understand is how and why so many people are spilling their guts about everything on the first date. It is fine to be nuts. Obviously I've already established we all are looney anyway. At least be polite about it on the first date. You should ease into your craziness. If you break out with some stories that are too frightening on the first date, you will scare your potential new partner away. Basically, some of you are saying stuff on the first date you should keep to yourself.

I am sure you are wondering what topics you might want to shut up about while on your first date. As usual, I am hear to help you. Just remember, when in doubt, you probably don't need to say it.

Stuff You Probably Shouldn't Say On Your First Date:

  • I usually only date people much taller than you. Do you think you can wear platforms while we are out? If we pose for a photo, can I get you a chair to stand on?
  • I've taken out several restraining orders on exes. I just seem to have bad luck!
  • My exes always seem to take out restraining orders on me. I just don't understand. I just like to stay in touch.
  • I can fart to the tune of "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. Do you want to hear it?
  • I keep several exotic pets at my home. You should meet my skunk named Stinky. To be honest, I seem to have lost my squirrel at home somewhere. I am just hoping if he passed away, I will smell the dead body and find him soon.
  • My child has the tendency to throw temper tantrums a lot. He might try to hurt you when you first meet him, but don't worry. His therapist says he is OK to be around new people again.
  • I feel like this first date is going so well. I can definitely hear wedding bells in our future!
  • I make the best meatloaf in the world using roadkill. Do you want to come over for dinner Friday night?
  • My father is very overprotective of me. He likes to threaten my new friends with guns. Don't worry, it is usually not loaded. I mean, there was this one incident, but after he spent time in jail he really learned his lesson.
  • I have this weird pimple on my back. I am hoping if all goes well tonight, you can pop it for me.
  • Don't look now, but I see my ex at the table across the room. I want to tell you everything about that relationship now. I feel like I can trust you since this first hour has gone so well.
  • I tend to get really blackout drunk and do ridiculous things wherever I go. Can I get another drink over here?
  • Basically, I just went out with you because it sounds like you make a lot of money. I am definitely ordering the lobster tonight.
  • I still live with my ex, but we don't sleep in the same room or anything most of the time. Our lease is up in 6 months. I hope that won't be a problem.

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Comments 20 comments

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada

Jeannie,

Ahhhh...there is nothing like a nice post-coital lumbar pimple-popping session. Needless to say of course, it's in bad taste to mention the possibility during the entree. ...probably not a good idea over the tiramisu either.

I believe in managing peoples expectations. If folks don't think I'm a psychotic killer well...I sure won't mention anything about it until the third or fourth date.

Happy 4th!

Thomas


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

Nope, I don't see a second date in the future of whoever says these remarks! Haha!


josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

This was great Jeannie, however I disagree with Linda, this will work for sure! Just kidding :) Great hub, funny and clever!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thomas, yes, I know pimple popping can be romantic, but I do try to save that until the relationship has progressed a bit. :-) I try not to scare off guys at first with information on how psycho I can be until at least the third date, too. We have so much in common! Thanks for the comment and happy 4th to you, too!

Linda, you are so right. Yet, some of this was actually taken from experiences I've been having or my friends have been experiencing. It is a scary world out there. Thanks for checking out my hub!

Josh, hmmm... if any of these lines would work for you, I know some lovely people I can introduce you to... hehehe. Thanks for the comment!


Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

Some people need to tape record themselves before they say something because it can end up badly. Farting in tune to Billie Jean? That sounds great for a Judd Apatow movie, not so much for real life. The same can be said for popping pimples on someone's back-completely gross. Great hub!


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 4 years ago from Central Florida

Too funny, Jeanie! My recently divorced boss has been doing a lot of online dating. It's really distressing cuz it seems she's becoming a dinner whore! - a different date every night, even during the week.

I however, have once again reaffirmed the fact that "I'm glad I'm single", which was my mantra at work. Both my boss and co-worker had/have bad marriages where they put up with far too much you-know-what! I don't put up with it - I've fired two husbands and glad I did!

At least that way I can fart to "Don't worry, be happy" and not have to explain myself!

Great hub. Funny as hell!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Alecia, there are some real weirdos out there. Right now, me and several of my friends are using dating sites. It is just not going well! When I did finally meet someone I really liked, he told me he was moving to a different state in a week. What is that? I think I might have to stop dating for a while again. Thanks for checking out my hub!

bravewarrior, I have become that person. I too am a dinner whore! You have to date a lot of weirdos to get to one nice guy. It is not that I even like dating. I just keep thinking at some point I've just got to meet someone sane.... or just a little crazy, but a fun kind of crazy. I was always pretty happy being single, so I think I might have to jump off the online dating boat soon. Of course, it gives me so much to write about! :-) Thanks for the compliment! I am glad you enjoyed the hub.


American View profile image

American View 4 years ago from Plano, Texas

Jeannie,

Too funny, great as always. Of course you left out the big one:

Before we order and I get stuck with the check, we are having sex tonight right?


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

You are so right. Awkward sex conversations on the first date are big no-nos, too. Your suggestion is even better since it also includes people being cheap with the check. Thanks for sharing!


aethelthryth profile image

aethelthryth 4 years ago from American Southwest

It's tempting, since the goal is to find someone who knows all about you and likes you anyway, to show your worst side and find out before you put your heart into the relationship whether they're going to like you. I have a friend who can't be convinced not to do this, with the result that all the married women think he is one of the best catches out there, and all the single women think he is a creep.

It is easy to forget that dating is a sales job, as demonstrated in your article about interviews and dating, and we all know no product out there is perfect, but there are a lot of products and we need to hear the good stuff about a product first or we will pay no attention.

Not very many people are natural salesmen, but we can all learn from the serious tips under the humor here.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

This is so true. I always appreciate honesty, but sometimes too much honesty is a bad idea. It is better to ease into things. I know sometimes I get nervous and blurt out the wrong thing, but I try to focus on some of my best attributes whenever possible. Some people are just so scary out there! Thanks for the comment and good luck to your friend!


handymanbill profile image

handymanbill 4 years ago from western pennsylvania

There is not a thing you said here that would be a great thing to say on a first date or second or third. Great hub


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Pretty much anything that is not creepy or mean is a good thing to say on any date. You'd be surprised how many people don't follow that rule. Thanks for checking out my hub!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Jeannie you have done it again! Hilarity at it's best...whenever I am in an off mood - you are my go to girl for a guaranteed laugh!

I decided a long time ago that I should just quit fighting the insanity. I just started to embrace it instead:) lol


nikkiraeink profile image

nikkiraeink 4 years ago from So. Cal.

Thanks for the laugh!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

RealHousewife - I am happy to help give you a laugh when you need it. Sadly, a lot of this was taken from actual first dates I've been on recently or dates my friends have just been on. There is some scary stuff going on out there. Thanks for the comment!

nikkiraeink - You are welcome! Thanks for dropping by!


lezsaysit profile image

lezsaysit 4 years ago from New York, NY

This is hilarious!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thank you! Glad you liked it.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Gosh...wish I had followed you a whole lot sooner. I pretty much haven't been called to go out in a couple of years......


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Hahaha... I am sure you have been doing fine without my advice all these years, but thanks anyway. :-)

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