Submissive Men

Sensitive or submissive men are very different from normal guys in their behavior. Many of the dating rules don’t apply to them at all and much of what you thought you knew about men won't work when dating submissive men. I can’t tell you if there are more sensitive men now days than in the past. Probably it’s just that more men are allowing themselves to be openly sensitive and vulnerable. It used be clear cut that men could not show signs of weakness or vulnerability to anyone (something that has not helped them much) but in modern times (fortunately) many men have managed to emancipate themselves from the social expectations and I think it’s wonderful.

Let's take a look at some of the benefits and challenges in dating this kind of men. I'll do my best to look at it from both the male and the female perspective but please bear with me if I don't do everyone justice. .

Who are Submissive Men?

I’m particularly talking about men who wish to take on a more submissive role in their relationships with women. They don’t mind a woman taking charge and making many of the decisions. In fact, they love it. They look for women who will ‘wear the trousers’ in their household. Submissive men are attracted to strong and confident women who likewise enjoy holding the reins.

There are varying degrees of submissiveness in men though. Some will want to take it very far and basically hand over all the decision making to their girlfriends. They seek a kind of gender role reversal from what used to be normal in the 1950s kind of family. But there are very few men of this kind and I’ve never personally met one that really wants this. Some may fantasize about it, but that is another story.

Most of those men you’d call submissive, ideally want a mix between having a woman tell them what to do and having certain areas where they (the men) make the decisions. For example, many such men will still be the main bread winner in their family.

So there are very many different types of submissive men but most of them do have a number of traits in common which I’ll look into next.

Dating Submissive Men

If you like submissive men, you’ll have noticed by now that things don’t work the way they used to in the dating game. Going to dating advice pages or relationship experts is usually futile because they are geared towards a typical kind of male behavior that you probably won’t find in submissive men. They are a completely different animal. They think and feel differently from the regular guys and this means that you have to deal with them differently.

Most women who are attracted to submissive men will have a dominant side to them. One complaint I’ve heard and read a lot by these types of women, is that there are no submissive men. They get many guys approaching them claiming to be submissive, but once the relationship gets going, they don’t want to have the woman take charge at all. I can imagine this happening all the time. Their mistake is that they’re still thinking like prey. In dating submissive men, the woman must change her approach. You are now the hunter and he is the prey. Don’t sit there waiting for someone to pick you up because that’s already giving up control and letting someone else take charge. The kind of men who have approached you are the hunters so it’s perfectly logical that they won’t be truly submissive. They may have said that they like strong women who are in charge and they might even believe it themselves (imagining something like 'wouldn't it be awesome if she was in charge?") but it’s unlikely that it will last beyond the honeymoon.

You need to become the hunter. You know what kind of man you want. So go and find him and just pick him up like the trophy he is. The truly submissive men are out there waiting for exactly that to happen. Of course it’s still far from foolproof but it’s an angle you should try. That leads to the obvious question of where to find your targets. Well, that's a little bit like asking "where do I find kind people?" - i.e. easier to answer where you WON'T find them. They are unlikely to be found where regular guys like to hang out. This is because such men often prefer to mix with women or other sensitive men. It's not that they don't also go to bars and clubs, but when there, they'll probably put on a front to appear confident and strong.

My experience with submissive men

I have an affinity for soft and sensitive men (not to the exclusion of masculine men though). This has also drawn me to men that tend to be the shy type. In parties, I was always more interested to the boys standing on the side, the introverted types (only later I realized that the men I really wanted were probably not to be found on such parties) I’ve so had my share of disappointments in this area though. Many of the shy, sensitive men turned out to be the opposite when you got to know them. I’ve heard that men who date strong women get the same kind of disappointments. They say that many women just put on a confident front but really don’t want to be strong at all. I think these misunderstandings are a result of too many people pretending to be something they’re not. We feel the pressure to act a certain way in society and so we give the wrong idea about ourselves. And likewise, everybody else is doing the same thing so most people we meet are nothing like what they seem. I was guilty of this myself and I’m sure many women and men have the same problem. It’s down to a lack of public honesty really. I doubt it’ll change anytime soon, so we all have to accept the fact that finding someone who matches our personality is very much of a gamble. Got a little side tracked there.

What I like about submissive men

It’s closely related to my attraction to feminine men. I feel much more of a connection to them and we can get much closer emotionally. I also get a strong maternal instinct kicking in when I see a man vulnerable and submissive. It makes me want to hold and protect him just like you’d do with a kitten. Sounds crazy I know.

Also physically, sensitive men seem to be more open to having fun mutually. That is the word really: mutual. With submissive men, everything is more mutual whether it’s responsibility, earning or making decisions. That is of course a great basis for a long term relationship.

More by this Author


Comments 46 comments

Joannne profile image

Joannne 6 years ago from Albany NY

Lucy you said "One complaint I’ve heard and read a lot by these types of women, is that there are no submissive men. They get many guys approaching them claiming to be submissive, but once the relationship gets going, they don’t want to have the woman take charge at all."

I understand where they are coming from. Many men think they are women when they put on a dress...but they are still men (if that makes sense). But there are women that are complaining that they can't meet submissive men? I have never heard that complaint. Most women who like submissive men tell me that they have too many throwing themselves at them and the submissive men I know complian they can't meet women that like them for who they are. Maybe it is one big miscommunication or maybe it is because everyone likes to complain.


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 6 years ago Author

Hi Joannene,

Ok, I wasn't talking about cross dressers in particular. And I know that women who like submissive men get many offers as you can see in the part that you quoted. But it's when you get beyond the first dating period that it often turns out these submissive men aren't as submissive as the appeared. Perhaps they didn't realize themselves how hard it would be to give up some of the power in a relationship.

So yes, I'm sure countless men fantasize about having a woman take charge but very few seem to really want it to become real in a relationship. Women are no different. We also have lots of dreams and fantasies that we'd never want to experience in real life.


Niqqi 6 years ago

I actually liked it very much this past Saturday when my wife took charge. During the week she made hair, manicure and pedicure appointments for Saturday, along with planning all sorts of other things for her to do and take care of away from the house. She told me Saturday morning that I was to wear lingerie and a dress and spend the day doing the housekeeping chores so she wouldn't have to worry about any of it when she came home. She told me later that she considers it a luxury to be able to have things this way. She was very complimentary of my work when she came home and she decided to take me out to the movies.


Alex 6 years ago

Thanks, this is great! You really hit the mark with "too many people pretending to be something they’re not." I've come to realize that I am a pretty submissive guy. Unfortunately, most of the women I've dated only became interested in me sexually because I just happened to be in a slightly dominant position or mood when I met them. For example, one woman I dated was a student of mine. Another was experiencing a mini- emotional crisis when we met, and I instinctively reached out to her in a confident manner and helped alleviate the crisis.

Lately I have been looking at some of the mainstream dating advice for men and realized it really doesn't fit my personality at all - in fact, the dating advice for women I've read is so much more appropriate. I'm confident (most of the time) but not dominant. This is where I really like your last remark about mutuality. I don't like to take charge just for the sake of taking charge - but I'm confident enough in my own abilities that, if I see her faltering, I can temporarily take control. And I like a woman who can do the same for me.

This article is great and I feel like you understand me and men like me. You've given me a lot of hope - thanks!


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 6 years ago Author

Hi Alex,

Thanks for the nice comment. I can only speak for myself that pickup artistry is such a major turn off. I suppose it works for the majority of women as these people that sell that advice must be making a living somehow. I can't for the life of me understand why so many women fall for it though.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

..submissive men????? only when I come here to your royal pageant of hubs ......


Uni guy 83 6 years ago

do you really think that it is more submissive for a girl to approach you? I is usually very uncommon for any girl to approach a guy, but if a guy is to ask her out she is usually okay with it. Personally if any girl is pretty and in any way hints to me that she might want to go out with me then I instantly will get a little crush on that girl.

I really want to get to know a girl (any girl), but even if a girl at uni might be into me she won't talk to me unless I start talking before she does it. I don't know why but I find this difficult. I can do it if I sort of look at it as myself trying to be more dominant but I don't want to have to do it. There is a girl who came up and said what's up to me recently and I want to go on dates with this girl, but I don't know if she is really wanting it. How do you know if any girl is wanting to go out with you?


Danamarielyn profile image

Danamarielyn 6 years ago from Midwest

I agree somewhat with Uni. If you are in your heart a feminine, sensitive str8 male and even wish you were a girl, it is very difficult to make connection with a woman who might be interested in and appreciate those qualities, want to see the little girl in you and the woman you wish you were.


Toeknight 6 years ago

Is there a use for 'Machismo' in a submissive male? I myself am not entirely free of machismo but AM 100% submissive to women. I'm struggling with writing my sequel to the 'Scars of Obsession' whereupon a Cult of Female Supremacists that has gone Global becomes divided when the founder members incorporate a psuedo-religious side to their centers of Female Supremacy. The followers of this new religion want to demote men to the status of dangerous beasts and desire to break each slaves sense of self and create a truly submissive product incapable of defending himself from female aggression. The founder members of this society however see a use for such lingering machismo and believe that a return to mans primary role of 'Providing for, Protecting and Serving Women' calls for him to be at his physical peak. One of the two camps (once I settle on the way forward with this)will take over the running of the Cult BUT which camp should win through? I think that it is my submissive that is to blame for my inability to move on with the sequel and...I ain't got nobody to say 'YES' run with that OR 'NO' Don't....hence i've just searched out this site and would ask 'Like minded individuals for some input here and help a struggling wanna-be slave out in this venture.


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 6 years ago Author

Hi Toeknight,

Well I'll be interested to hear how you end up deciding. The problem with the first version is that it seems unrealistic. I suppose it is only imaginable while there is a one nation world that is run by one global administration.

But in the real world we have competing nations and in order to not be knocked out of the race for economic/political/cultural influence, each nation will need men to perform at their best. But men will never perform their best if there's no incentive and slavery doesn't give any incentive.

Even if there is one global nation, it is only a matter of time before you get separatists and competing factions that start to go their own way. The only way to avoid that is to have a totalitarian monarchy. And once there is internal struggle for power, the winners will usually be those who are willing to go further than the others - i.e. those who are willing to resort to violence. The best way to do that is to get the men to fight for them, but why would they do that for a regime that enslaves them?

Don't know if that helps but that's my few thoughts on it.


annchapman 6 years ago

sorry to com ein late..

i'm a woman running for the presidency of the USA :)

i have rather unconventional thinking. and i'm lovin this discussion,

AC


Charles 6 years ago

This article really struck a cord with me. I am a more submissive man, though like Alex, I can take charge if she isn't because I am confident in my abilities, and I do want to make some of the decisions as well, so I am not completely submissive.

Your statement about women putting on a front is sooo very true. I just got divorced, and actually the dominance issue is one of the reasons the marriage didn't work out. I have always been attracted to the "tom boy" type girls, and it makes sense as these are the girls that put on a front of dominance. But, what I have come to realize is that these women have very deep desires to get dominated, and that their dominant attitudes don't hold water in the bedroom, and this makes for difficulty as I am a sbumissive male and attentive lover to a woman. I like to caress, and be close, of course I like it rough as any guy does, but I am a very attentive lover, and these women I have dated included my ex wife was tough on the exterior and at work because she worked in a male dominated industry, but at home, she wanted me to take charge and it just wasn't in me, and it caused problems. She even went as far as to tell me straight up that she wished I was "more of an asshole" sometimes, like the typical male. And not so "wonderful" and caring as I am.

So, now I have the quandary, what type of female is better for me? Do I look for a truly dominant female inside and out who isn't just putting on a front? Or... do I find a female that is very submissive, even more so than myself, so I can take a dominant role but still have my tenderness in tact but still be the dominant partner overall? Thoughts?


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 6 years ago Author

Hi Charles and thanks for the nice comment.

How can anyone tell you what kind of partner you should go for? I just know that both sides have to be ready to adapt to the other. If your ex wanted you to be more in charge sometimes, then you could have done so. But likewise, she would have had to be willing to do the same for you.

Things get difficult if one side needs something that the other can't or won't give.

Has it also occurred to you that those women putting on a front are just testing you? They might just be trying to filter out all the 'sensitive' men with their strong front. It's a kind of playing hard to get and see who has the guts to break through.


mrwallstjournal 6 years ago

Lucy,

You may be right on about the filtering part. I never thought of it that way, but honestly I have come to realize that in the beginning of relationships I am more dominant and masculine than I truly am. She even said that in the beginning of our relationship, I was different. I believe this to be true, though I wrote a lot of it off to the "courting" process.

I am currently dating pretty much the exact opposite of my ex. She is quite submissive, even from the get go. And I am currently being quite dominant, and I am older than she is, so it is easier for me to take this role as she is less experienced. I am trying to see if this is the way to go, and will keep you updated and may ask for advice. Will keep you posted, and thanks for sharing all this info with us men, we need to talk about this stuff but are afraid to most of the time.


thomas_the_tame 5 years ago

Might I add, for those shy, submissive men who are young and who have not quite accepted their roles yet, it can be a trying time. Patience is a virtue. Even for those of us who are older and are more comfortable with our "type", it can take some time to adjust to a relationship where we are not in control. Single life necessitates a certain amount of control just to get by, so in the moment when you finally find someone with whom you feel a connection, who is willing and desires to take the dominant role, it can still take time to adjust. Often dominant women (not unlike dominant men, I suspect) rush for the finish line, expecting their every wish to be fulfilled, leaving a new submissive reeling, and often resisting involuntarily, as a defensive reaction more than anything else. Like anything, any relationship, regardless of the type of roles or genders, takes time to foster the trust and intimacy necessary to feel fulfilled.


Dennis 5 years ago

Very interesting. For Toeknight, I wonder if you saw the movie "The Wicker Man" with Nicolas Cage. That society was cult based and female controlled, and you may be able to get some ideas from it.

Also, there are some good stories about Succubus which may inspire you about the religious side of your book.

I'm an older, single man who never got married, and I think it is because I never found a woman who liked my submissive nature. I have met a lot of women who want my money, however, and that is one area where I don't want to give up control. I prefer to have women doctors, women lawyers, and female bosses.


Goldthwaite.Jeff 5 years ago

Thank you, Lucy for your insights and most of all, your comprehension of what submissive guys like me are really like. In my marriage, I am happy in the submissive role. My wife Dee is a strong and very intelligent lady that enjoys my feminine side and who also has taken on the job of shaping my behavior and thus my character. She is in fact my disciplinarian; I may wear the trousers but my wife does not hesitate to take them down when necessary. In the bedroom, the virtue of mutuality is honored and much the norm between us. Dee would not have it any other way, nor frankly would I.

Much respect to you for your wonderful perspective!

Jeff

goldthwaite.jeff on Yahoo Messenger


Patrick 5 years ago

Lucy,

Your view about hunter and prey is insightful.

I have always been the more passive partner with any woman I've been with, but I can't say I have ever been with a truly dominant woman.

Women, I have found, won't pursue. They hover around, flirt, drop hints, fawn over me, until I get the hint and make a move. Eventually I will but I have always been introverted and shy.

Some women will be quite aggressive in their hinting and encouragement, but once I make an overt move such as asking her out, it's like she throws up her hands in a sigh of relief and says, "thank god, now he can finally take over!"

However, I don't fully take over. I'm waiting for cues from her. I'm an introverted person. I'm not used to thinking for two and I find it difficult to incorporate someone else into my life. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it but I don't like steering relationships.

So we both kind of sit back and dance around issues and wait for a clear leader to emerge and when one doesn't, the chemistry dies out. This usually manifests as her losing interest in me and becoming distant and when things don't work out I'm left wondering what I did wrong. I feel like there was something she was expecting from me but I'm not sure what it was.

I fear that your article may be preaching to the choir. Any woman reading this would likely be a dominant and us guys can relate. The problem is most women don't realize they're dating a submissive man and just think that he's not as interesting as he once seemed.


jonjon 5 years ago

i agree with how submissive women put up a "front", and when the guy finally takes over, she goes back into her submissive state.

what there needs to be is some kind of psychological "plan" that can somehow allow dominant female to find the submissive male, or vice-versa.

In logical sense, submissive male who don't talk seem quite distant and like a loner.


Jackie 5 years ago

I can totally relate to this. I agree with Alex about not taking the lead for the sake of it... can honestly say nothing annoys me more! I truly want things to feel equal... if that's at all possible?! I think as well, from my own experience with a submissive guy, there is a difference between being submissive and being really shy. I would love to find someone who is confident in their own abilities, who makes me feel like a human, not a stereotypical woman lol... but someone who isn't ridiculously introverted at the same time. Hmmm, is that even possible?


DDD 5 years ago

wtf. This world would be better without women.


rguy713 5 years ago

I struggle to find the dominant women. When I date strong, successful women, at best they are hoping to find someone that isn't intimidated by them and is willing to treat women as an equal. And many want to revert to being submissive sexually.

The adult dating sites that cater to this type of thing either seem to have people mostly focused only on bdsm sex play (not that it isn't enjoyable) rather than female led relationships, and worse they are littered with postings of professional dominatrix's that are marketing their services.

Any idea where I can go to look for a strong, dominant women that is like minded?

Richard


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 5 years ago Author

Hi Richard,

I guess you'd need to find out where the particular kind of women you seek tend to go. What kinds of clubs are they likely to be in and what sort of parties and other activities the take part in.


rguy713 5 years ago

Lucy:

Thank you for your reply. Where do You go to look for and meet submissive men?

richard


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 5 years ago Author

Well I used to just pick out the shy looking ones and always rejected those who came on to me. But I would fall on my nose a lot that way. Many men who seem shy on the outside turn out to be very different once they get some confidence. I suppose it's the same with women who act dominant. I never went anywhere in particular though. When I was younger I'd go clubbing but I'd never do that now.


Kyle 4 years ago

I am a submissive man. I don't know why, but I am like a woman born into a man's body. All of the traits that I desire in a woman are the traits that normally a woman would desire in a man. I have no desire to be the big strong man in the relationship with the submissive woman. Instead I want the woman to be the strong one, and me the submissive one. However, I am not one of those types for whom I feel the need to change my sex or anything, I am perfectly fine with being a man.

I am not submissive with other men, just women, or at least I want to be. I do not know really how to go about finding the type of dominant woman that I fantasize about. I am like a gay man who isn't gay if you will, in that I desire "men," but men inside the bodies of women, as I am sexually attracted to women.

It's a real pain though because such women seem to be so rare. I know they are out there though, I just have to try harder to find them I guess.


Kyle 4 years ago

Just wanted to add, I acually oftentimes wish for a woman to cuddle me in her arms, so I am the inverse of you Lucy83. I also desire for a "maternal" sort of woman, like a hybrid-mother-lover woman. I think I have some "mommy" issues in the way some women have "daddy" issues in terms of the men they desire.


Qais 4 years ago

iam submissive boy and when i tell that to a girl she starts laughing, mocking and leave, even though i dont tell her to play dominatrix, i say lets do something new, lets try this or this, but they hate it, so i must play the dominant all time.


Julian 4 years ago

Hi Lucy. I can't thank you enough for this blog! I can relate so well with everything you and others say. I am a sensitive man very much in tune with my feminine side. I have 'played' at dressing as a girl and really enjoyed it but only very ocasionally and I'm not really into the whole cross dressing thing. The main thing for me is that I feel so submissive and respectful towards women. I love a woman's company and I enjoy being really polite and subservient toward her. I have learnt over the years that relatively few of the women you meet are the type that want to dominate men (unless I've been looking in the wrong places!). I'm not interested in playing. I want to meet a woman who will love me litterly being her slave and for whom dominatation over me as her boy will really thrill her. Things might be looking up however as I met a lady client through work recently. She's quite bossy and I've noticed she likes to see the guys running around after her. She wanted me to go upstairs to her office the other day and simply emailed 'can you come upstairs now?'. I replyed 'yes mam' in my email and went to see her imediately. She later said that she liked my email and since has been increasingly summoning me to her. I bend over backwards for her as I'm attracted to her and just love her dominant jestures. The only thing is I'm frightened she isn't dominant like all the other let downs!!!! Your comments would be appreciated. Sorry for the long email!


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 4 years ago Author

Hi Julian,

if she said she liked your email in which you only wrote "yes mam" then the chances are pretty high that she likes submissive men. Many women only put on an act of confidence and bossiness either for work or because they're challenging men to be even more bossy and subdue them. It's like a kind of test similar to the act of playing hard to get. But she doesn't seem that way from what you've written.

If you think that your working environment can handle employees dating then you've got nothing to lose and everything to win. If she really is dominant, then you don't need to do any big coming out confession. Just read her signals and send the right ones back and things will develop naturally. Be subtle and maintain plausible deniability (at least for now). That's not only more exciting but also safer at the same time.


bill585258 4 years ago

I am a submissive male.I am very submissive.And i want a female led relationship.I have had to act dominant though and probably this would alienate dominant women.I would act dominant and try to hide being submissive.But was not always able to hide that emotionally vunerable and sensitive.And some people did not like my personality.There are probably a lot of submissive alpha males like this.


Weisswyrm 4 years ago

Hi Lucy. Pretty interesting read... Especially the bit about dominant women not knowing to approach. I mean that seems really obvious to me, if you like submissive guys you have to approach them, but I guess that's difficult or something.

I've noticed a BIG trend lately, of women who act dominant but when push comes to shove they fold like a deck of cards. Girls telling people to suck their cock seems to be oddly common. I knew one girl in particular who would flirt in an incredibly dominant way, insinuating everything from hair-pulling to pegging, but sexually she was 100% sub. This doesn't help an already difficult situation... This post made me wonder if there are men who act the same way in reverse.

I'm a pretty weird case and basically knee-deep in this issue. I dress very well, hold myself fairly well in conversations, someone once said they would consider it an insult if someone approached me first just because I apparently look like I can do it myself just fine. But every time I do that I end up with the same passive, submissive, totally boring women... When I try to use more female-style signs, eye contact and smiles from across the room and all that... Well it just never gets me anywhere and I feel like a creeper.

It's a pretty tricky issue. I imagine it's difficult enough for your average submissive male, let alone one who doesn't look like one. The worst part is, unlike a dominant woman who can at least be active by approaching men until she finds a submissive one, sub guys will just hurt their chances if they're anything but inactive. Sigh.


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 4 years ago Author

Hi Weisswyrm,

I think you're right. There are a lot of women out there who pretend to be dominant and act really confident. What they're actually doing is testing the dominance of men they meet. They basically want to be subdued by a man and challenge him to do so. Such women absolutely don't want a submissive man. Sure it's deceptive and selfish to fake your personality like that but you probably ought to stay away from people who deceive you from the start. Chances are they will do a lot more down the road.

It does seem to be a lot harder for submissive men to find a partner but I think a lot of that is due to so many men selling themselves short. Maybe that's because there are more submissive men than dominant women or maybe it's just because everyone believes that to be the case.

From what I've seen and heard I think the best thing for guys is to date a lot and do what you have to do in order to succeed. That includes acting confident (remember confidence is always attractive to both sexes and that's not to be confused with dominance) and proactive. Then you have more potential partners to choose from and that means more who might be compatible with you. Even my relationship which is non-vanilla started off quite normal.


Weisswyrm 4 years ago

Hey Lucy,

You're right, it's likely an attempt to goad the male into one-upping them. I'd never thought of it like that but then I've tried not to mentally linger on the issue, it's pretty annoying.

I think it's a mix of there definitely being more sub guys than dom girls, but also the fact that in today's society submissive men are looked down on pretty heavily whereas dominant women generally get at least respect (not as much actual desire I'd guess, but still, respect). No guy wants to publicly admit he's submissive, vocally or symbolically.

Assuming your non-vanilla relationship has you as the dominant one I'd be curious to hear from your partner what he went through before hand. Your advice is sound, after all no matter how rare dominant women are you won't find any if you don't date, but the critical flaw is that way less than one in ten women are dominant. Even assuming someone was a suave, confident ladykiller who could get a new date every week, it would be a long time before they sorted through all the passives, got to know all the confident types, and then finally found one who was genuinely dominant.


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 4 years ago Author

Hi Weisswyrm,

well a great deal of what I know about submissive men actually comes from my boyfriend and what he tells me from his point of view. Really, I'd be pretty ignorant today if it weren't for him. And yes he did have a hard time finding girlfriends and I assure you that looks or personality were definitely not the problem.

You might find interesting that we started off vanilla style (except perhaps that I made the first move) and it took us over a year before we started going down the femdom road because we were both young and did what we thought was expected of us. I love how it turned out that both of us were just acting. If he hadn't opened up we might have never known. Scary how such small decisions can have such a life changing effect. Makes you wonder how many other small turns shaped your life.


Tanya 4 years ago

I'm glad I stumbled upon this. I was looking for insights into a male sub's mind. I recently started seeing a guy who is submissive, but prior to meeting him, I was pretty vanilla. However, I embraced the dominatrix within me and found myself rather enjoying it. But this has now confused the situation.

He struggles establishing a connection with women. His friends believe he's serial womaniser and just has little respect for them. I think he feels he now needs to keep up this image, despite it going against what it is he really enjoys - being submissive.

The problem is, he let me assume this role but he occasionally acts as though he wants to be the dominant one - ignoring contact made, throwing me out in the morning etc. Unfortunately, the lines between our roles are marred by the early stage of our relationship, making it incredibly confusing.

I do not wish to emasculate him or potentially wreak havoc on an already conflicted mind, but it frustrates me not knowing where I stand. Anyone else had this problem?


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 4 years ago Author

Ah that sounds similar to things between me and my boyfriend sometimes. I think the problem is that for men being submissive is a huge tabu. If they act submissive or even sensitive in every day life (especially at work) they basically get their social status reduced to that of a doormat. Now I know how much fun you can have doing that to him in private, but I never like others attempting it or even disrespecting him. But I do sometimes like dropping hints when he's with his friends. That's a lot of fun for everyone.

Also many people have different and contradictory sides to their personality. That makes things confusing and complicated but it also makes them more interesting.

Some people deal with this by separating their love lives from their daytime lives. So in the bedroom he's a slave and otherwise he's a master. That could work but it depends on how your personality fits in. In my case that wouldn't work because I'm an assertive personality pretty much 24/7. But that doesn't mean he always has to be submissive 24/7. Two assertive personalities can also get on perfectly well contrary to what most people think.

Just make sure you don't get into the situation where he dictates when you're the dominant one and when not according to his needs. Lots of men will try to do this (and women too I suppose). Nobody should have that much power in a relationship, dominant or not.

With two complex personalities trying to negotiate life together, there's surely going to be some clashing here or there. As long as you keep discussing these things openly, usually everything can be worked out.


switcherbug 4 years ago

everything is dependent upon the individual... we all percieve the world in different ways and often our moods and fantasys will change from time to time as we grow and adapt blah blah blah... i switch between being able to be sub and dom though being dom is more diffibult for myself. i understand that there is a always a power dynamic occuring in every aspect of life but between two people that love each other we can have our cake and eat it if we are open-minded enough and on the same wavelength. love can flow.


Dufflerpud 4 years ago

As I read through the above, it's clear that most of the posters are a lot younger than I (49). Yeah, its hard for submissive men to end up with dominant women when both are in their 20s, but it seems to be impossible for a 49 year old male to end up with someone in the same age group.

Most women in my age group are SO hung up on the protocol that they don't even dare think about being dominant. Or maybe there just ARE no women in that age group who could even imagine it.

Of course, there are women in that age group who ARE dominant but don't want to play the part, up to and including actually beating their guys, but they don't accept the guy letting him think it is OK to be submissive.

So, here I am, a submissive guy, playing "normal". I'm not very good at it so that isn't very satisfying to anybody.

Perhaps the sexual revolution has passed me by. Blech


Radka 4 years ago

I am a girl, 41, foreigner, living in US, and just found a lover who is submissive. I had only vanilla relationships before and was not even aware of this. He slowly and shyly introduced me to this and I absolutely love it. I am very calm and friendly girl, but clearly have a very strong dominant side to me. It seem to come very naturally to me. I find it all very erotic and hot, far behind vanilla experience and I think he is just adorable. So boys, dont give up, we dominant girls are out there somewhere!


Dave 4 years ago

where does a submissive man find a dominent women I usually hope and wait for a girl to come but it never happens so getting depserate i go looking. but im not naturally the hunter.


4 years ago

I told my wife I wanted to be submissive and tried for three months to show her that I was serious. I did extra chores around the house. Did all the running around for her. I did laundry for her. I cooked for all of us. She doesn't want a submissive husband so she can have it the way it use to be. Not all women want this. In fact most don't


Josh 4 years ago

I have a deep voice, and am very much into exercising. I don't make much money. I would like a woman in charge and to be the bread winner. Do you think most dominat women would rather be with a guy who has femenine qualities? Not trying to be smart, it's just that I am no expert on the subject. Thanks.


with questions 3 years ago

i have questions.....First if a woman is Dominant in a relationship can she ever have a normal relationship with a man or will it always be about control for her? And if she trys to have a normal relationship will she ever be satisfied or will she try to and find what she is missing?


Lucy83 profile image

Lucy83 3 years ago Author

Hi, "with questions"

I think you're simplifying the concept of being "dominant" too much. There are many different ways you can practice leadership and many different aspects of control. As for the "normal relationship" question, I don't even think I understand it. I can only speak for myself that I think any serious relationship absolutely must be between people who are on the same level. You can't ever really connect if strength only comes from one and vulnerability only comes from the other.


Stack. 3 years ago

Interesting article, but I disagree with your auto-connection between sensitive and submissive. Submissive, by definition, implies total transfer of power / control. This, clearly, is very different from someone who is sensitive and likes to share the decisions in a relationship. In fact the latter type of relationship is the most common I encounter; neither is dominant, nor submissive on the whole. And both are sensitive. I am firmly a sensitive man, and one who likes to decision-share in relationships so feel I need to make that view point known. Many of my friends are totally submissive. One further point, we would all laugh you out the tea shop if your philosophy in picking up men included the words 'hunter', 'prey' and 'trophy'. Sorry :p

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working