Tales From An Again Single Man
Most single men will agree - when there's no one in your life you can even imagine being married to, your mind does a funny thing. It wanders. A lot. Like every time you see a woman not wearing an engagement ring. And oftentimes even when she is... Once it's found a female in its sight, the mind then begins moving in fast forward.
What would it be like to marry that woman who smiles at me in the bagel shop every morning? Or how about that hairstylist who gives the great shampoo? How would she be waking up to every morning for the rest of your life? Would she shampoo my hair at home? Then there's that cute lifeguard at the nearby beach. Hey, no fear of me drowning ever again. That's a plus. And what about any of the women in those cigarette magazine ads? The ones who look so happy just smoking and knocking off baseball caps from the heads of happy guys - who are also smoking and who are so happy they've neglected to realize they're all standing in front of a lime green neon background? Wouldn't these ladies rather knock the hat off their husband, instead? Heck, I have a baseball cap. Of course, maybe the fact they're single is why they're so happy. It sure couldn't be those cigarettes, could it? Smoking's not cool. Now, if they were all holding pints of beer! Well, there's always the St. Pauli's girl...
Such thinking can drive you batty. It's just not healthy. And so single men take drastic measures to deal with such hopeless behavior. Flipping through mail order bride catalogs, is one example. Writing humor columns is another.
You see, for the male bachelor, it can get to the point where, in the one - and - a - half seconds it takes for a woman to smile and say hi to you, you've pictured the two of you:
B) with three kids and a mortgage.
This is not the case with young fellows in high school and in college. High school guys sometimes have trouble even accurately imagining A). While college men can't get past it. But then these young guys enter the mid - twentysomething range and a type of desperation begins to creep inside the mind. It grows larger when good friends' begin getting married off in droves. Suddenly, B) factors into the picture, and the mental mind games within one's self begins.
All this leads up to what can only be described as "those moments of pure hallucination," when an everyday Joe sees a beautiful woman on TV, on the street, in a cigarette ad, at work or dating an ugly magician who looks like Neil Diamond, and he briefly thinks all of life's problems will be over if he could only meet her. That's because he's convinced after she gets to know him, she'll realize what a great guy he is and will never want to date those rich, handsome, powerful men again. Why normal guys think this to be true is a question women have asked themselves for centuries. They have yet to come up with an answer, however, because they're always laughing so hard at the time, it takes all their mental energy to not pee in their pants.
Continued In Tales From An Again Single Man Part 2
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