Tales From An Again Single Man Part 3
Hey, look, I know it wouldn't happen, even if the scenario included aliens, no other living human beings, malt liquor and hot pokers, ok? I'm just trying to explain how old fat guys like myself get these fantasies that we could win over such women as Liz, and on a good day, Megan Fox. So eat a nice s'more and read on, skippy. Ladies, stop laughing so hard, you might learn something here.
In fantasy mode, I took Liz back to my 40th year high school reunion. Which isn't for another four years, but I was giving her time to drop this guy she was presently cradling and search me out after stumbling across this article on Hubpages. Did I mention this was a fantasy?
So in I walk to the reunion, standing tall and proud with Liz on my arm. But even in fantasy mode I was still at least two inches shorter than she, and I looked like I was walking in on her arm. Still, this was Liz Cordonier and I was, well, me. So who cares if her large, thin fingers could palm a basketball while I have trouble palming pine tar?
Former classmates from the Franklin Academy Class of '89 looked on with baffled glances and curious stares. The men were all approaching me and saying, "You've done well for yourself!" Then they'd disappear quickly, whispering, "What the hell does she see in him?" The women were just plain ignoring me completely and saying, "Doesn't he look silly next to her?" By the end of the reunion, my nickname had become "Short Stuff," while Liz was referred to as, "obviously drunk."
Meanwhile, back in Kitsilano, the volleyball game at hand had paused momentarily. And this is when I glanced down at the real Liz Cordonier, less than two feet away, just as she looked back at her boyfriend.
In a moment I will relive forever in my mind, Liz Cordonier caught my stare. Unfortunately, her expression didn't change as she continued moving her eyes past mine to meet those of her boyfriend. It was as if I - and the drool running down the side of my mouth - weren't even there. I was a nobody. Invisible. Which made me realize that this entire thing with guys like me wanting women like her is just asinine.
Besides, even if normal guys like me had a shot at wonder women like Liz, it would be a living hell! Who thinks Brad Pitt deserves Angelina? Not even Brad does! And then there was Lady Di and Prince Charles for all those years. Those two looked as good together as hot fudge and patio bricks. I don't want anyone thinking about that with me and my gal. No way. Never.
And it won't. Hey, I think Sandra Bullock and I would look quite nice together... she's closer to my age and now she's single again too. After all I'm much better looking than Jesse James, I am strictly monogamous and I'm nowhere near a Nazi lover or sympathizer.
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