Teaching men how to love

Sometimes, trying to teach men how to love seems an impossible task.
Sometimes, trying to teach men how to love seems an impossible task.

Why Is Love Far Easier For Women Than Men?

For women, learning to love is easy. Most of them have powerful maternal and nurturing instincts which they freely express. When a woman gives birth, she generally falls totally in love with her baby and is happy to devote her life to caring for her child.

If you look at the 'caring' professions, like teaching, nursing and the care of the elderly, they are dominated by women. For many women, the problem is not how to love, but how to avoid committing their whole lives to loving and caring for others. This dilemma was explored by therapist Robin Norwood in her books, “Women Who Love Too Much” and “Letters from Women Who Love Too Much”.

Men, on the other hand, don't have such a powerful maternal instinct. Their involvement in child-care is often minimal and they can become angry if they feel their needs are not being met fully because a woman is taking care of a child. We can see this easily through the behaviour of those men who leave their wives after they have given birth, because they are devoting more time to the baby than to them. And in their reluctance to pay for the maintenance of their own children after a relationship breaks down

Usually, the legal system has to force them to support their own offspring. Other men, who stay with their partners, can physically harm their own children, in some cases because they are jealous of the love their wives give to them and see their children as love- rivals for their wife’s affection. At worst, men can see their children as objects for sexual gratification and abuse them, even kill them

It's not true of all men. Some are able to love and care for their wives and children. There are even those who will look after the home and children while their wives go out to work. Why is it that some men can do this, but other men are so selfish that they are even unable to love their own children?

It could be that unlike women, whose love and nurturing seems to be a natural instinct, men have to learn how to love, and for most men, this lesson comes from women. If no woman is willing or available to do this, men never get the chance to learn how to love. One of the reasons might be that in an extremely patriarchal society women do not have the authority to teach men, but there is also another reason

Nurturing Mother

Maternal instinct

Teaching men how to love can be difficult for some women. Their maternal instincts are so strong that they spend their whole lives in loving, giving and caring for others, but they have no desire to teach their sons or husbands to do the same. A boy who has a mother like this, will find she loves him unconditionally and does everything for him

When he gets married he might marry a woman who is the same, who will also love him unconditionally without expecting anything in return. In a world of totally giving and caring women, men have no opportunity of learning how to love

They can live a life of total selfishness and find women who will love them anyway. This means that for women to teach men how to love, they first need to learn to love themselves.

A man who lives with a woman who loves him without question will find it difficult to give love in return, because women like this find it hard to receive love. A man can only love a woman to the degree she loves herself. If all her love is focused onto other people and never on herself, she will find it difficult to accept love from other people. If a man tries to love her, she may reject him, because she is only truly comfortable in giving love, not receiving it. A man living with such a woman wouldn't be able to learn from her how to love

In theory it's a wonderful thing that many women are able to love others so completely that they care nothing for themselves. However, this causes a big problem, not only for men but for the whole planet. If men are not given the chance to learn how to love others, they become totally selfish.

The result is that we live in a world ruled by selfish men, who care so little about the suffering of others that they will settle disputes between countries through warfare and genocide. They will also create totally unfair societies where there is a big gap between rich and poor. Women themselves also suffer as they are verbally and physically abused by these selfish men and many are even murdered or raped by them.

War

Competitive males

By giving men unconditional love, women are treating them like children. Mothers nurture their children until they grow up and have to take responsibility for their own behaviour. But if women continue to give men unconditional love even when they are fully mature, they never get a chance to become real adults

Like spoiled children, they fail to appreciate the care they are given and often give abuse in return. Not only that, they have ended up ruling the world, where they are callous and violent to other men, children, animals and the whole planet.

If we look at the world’s history, we find that violence, warfare, genocide, torture and rape has always been commonplace. Unfortunately, it is still going on today, in places like Libya, Tunisia, Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Palestine, The Congo, Burma and Somalia. All this violence is caused by selfish men who are not capable of loving and caring for other people. Loving human beings would be incapable of committing such heinous acts. Men are also very self-centred in the way they rule society.

Throughout history there has always been a big gap between rich and poor. It's always been the way that a ruling elite lives in luxury while the rest live in poverty and it's still true today. Through total incompetence and greed, bankers have bankrupted their banks, forcing the taxpayers to bail them out. In spite of the burden put on the taxpayers, these bank executives still expect to receive their million dollar bonuses and in most cases they do.

Princess Diana showing how natural love is for women.  But for men love it is not so easy.
Princess Diana showing how natural love is for women. But for men love it is not so easy.

How can you teach men how to Love?

The only way to change this parlous state of events is for all men to learn how love and care for other people. The only people who can teach this to selfish men is women. Firstly, men have to learn to respect women enough to want to learn from them, and secondly, just as importantly, women have to allow men to love and worship them

A man can only learn how to love from a woman who loves herself and is comfortable receiving love from a man. He has to love her children as well, even if he hasn't fathered them, because they are part of her. It isn't an easy task in a world that sees caring as a weakness and somehow unmanly.

Many women today are trying to learn how to love themselves by becoming career women. They feel they have to stifle their maternal instincts and care only for themselves. Having children can interrupt your climb to the top of a professional, business or political career, so many 'career' women feel that they have to choose between having a successful job or having children

Some avoid this dilemma if they come from a rich family or have a rich husband and can afford to pay a nanny to look after their children. Others might be very lucky and have a 'house husband', but most women are not in such a fortunate position. If they have children, they have to become a superwoman who runs a home, looks after children and has a career, all at the same time. Not many can juggle all those balls in the air and succeed. What we need is for men to share the load; support women, care for children and run the home, simply out of love. We have a long way to go

house husband

learning how to love yourself and others at the same time.

There are plenty of men today who want to become more loving but find it difficult to find a woman who will accept their devotion. Women are not used to being adored after millennia of abuse in a patriarchal world

Some men attempt to train a woman to love herself, by slow degrees, so she can eventually see her worth and accept his love. Unfortunately, they often go about it the wrong way and can end up trying to teach women how to act and behave like an abusive man

This is what has happened in the 'Femdom' scene. Men expect women to dress up in black leather, plastic or rubber and then to hurt them, by whipping, caning or even torturing them. It may be a powerful fantasy that is being realised by the men involved but it is doubtful whether teaching women to be violent is at all helpful. Admittedly, as women learn to love themselves they may feel intense anger about their past treatment and a desire for revenge, so whipping men might release these feelings, but in the long run, meting out punishment for past pain is not the right way forward for either men or women.

In some ways, life was much easier when women loved children and men unconditionally and men only loved themselves. It's all very muddled now, as women struggle to see themselves as valuable human beings, worthy of the love and devotion of men and men begin to see that they need to care for others as well as themselves. We have to find the balance point between our own needs and those of others, instead of leaving all the caring to women and the selfishness to men. It's a complicated task, but if we want to live in a saner and more loving world, then we have to do it. All people need to love themselves enough to avoid being abused by others, and love others enough to avoid that same abuse for their own selfish ends. Men learning to love women and women learning to love themselves, even though it will take time and we will make many mistakes, will in the end benefit the whole planet.

Women Need to rule our World

Feminism, Femdom and Matriarchy

Femdom and Matriarchal politics

© 2011 William Bond

More by this Author


Comments 27 comments

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

Very interesting hub!

"For women learning to love is easy, this is because (they have powerful maternal and nurturing instincts)." I think the jury is stil out on this one. I wonder if you raised a little girl with toy guns, trucks, and remote planes instead of dolls, tea sets, and Easy Bake ovens...etc Would she "naturally" have a maternal instinct.

I suspect some of the reasons men are preceived as "selfish" in marriages is because women often change after becoming mothers. Men are not prepared for a potential difference in sex drives nor being pushed down the line of priorities,

It's been said, "Men marry women hoping they will never change and women marry men hoping they will change overtime." My guess is both are being unrealistic.

Having children too quickly in a relationship or before being mentally prepared can also cause problems. Not everyone is meant to nor should be a parent. Awhile back I wrote a hub titled: "Are you selfish for not wanting children?"

http://hubpages.com/relationships/areyouselfishfor...

Some women date or marry men who do not want children with the belief he will change once she has a baby. (Only the woman can "choose legally" if a couple will become parents.) Men in these circumstances often end up cheating or leaving these women.

I believe all love comes with conditions. (possible exceptions may be God's love for man and a parent's love for a child.) However (healthy love of self) dictates that we have "deal breakers" or are willing to draw a line in the sand.

A mother who is willing to die in place of children is not said to have "love them too much". A man willing to risk being killed by an intruder to protect his family is not thought to be loving them "too much". It is only when we discuss "romantic love" that we buy into the possibility of "loving too much" (Even though they would not die for these people) " Women Who Love Too Much" is really about women who don't love themselves enough! Life is a personal journey. Both women and men are responsible for (building their own) "self esteem". One man's opinion! :-)


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi dashingscorpio,

Women have to have a powerful maternal instinct or the human race would have gone exstict millions of years ago. The human baby is by far the most helpless newborn in the animal kingdom. In many animals their young can run within a few hours of being born, the human baby cannot even crawl. Before we had civilization mothers were on their own in looking after their children. We can see today with so many men leaving mothers when they have children, that men have never been dependable in looking after the mother and child. As always, it has always been the mothers who have had take responsibility for childcare.

So this is why the powerful maternal instinct of human mothers was needed if our speices was to survive.

It is true today many mothers try to fight against their maternal instinct because it can sabotage a promising career. This is why women need to teach men how to love so they can take their fair share in caring for children.


FIS profile image

FIS 5 years ago

Most of the men that I know are very loving but don't know how to express it in ways that women understand. Most of the men I know are willing to learn to express it in ways that women understand.

Most of the women that I know want men just to know how to express themselves to women and find that lack of knowledge to mean lack of love. They don't try to teach they just feel hurt that the man doesn't already know, and they lack as much understanding of the way men love as men lack of the way women want them to love.

Most of the men I know where raised by divorced mothers and only saw their fathers one day a week. Perhaps this is causing change in our culture.

Most of the women that I know love their children unconditionally but place many conditions on their love for their men, but don't tell their men what those conditions are and leave them to guess or intuit. (Though I know many mothers who place conditions on the love of their children as well. This is newer.)Most of the men I know love their women and their children unconditionally but feel as if they are always being told that they are wrong about everything and seek love elsewhere without stopping loving the women and children who frustrate them.

The greatest source of unconditional love that I know is transcendental and I have doubts that anyone can succeed at loving unconditionally unless they tap into that, but, those who do, love everyone unconditionally and it isn't limited to wives, husband, family or friends.

Bob


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Wow! Another GREAT Hub Wabond!

And an interesting dialog will follow here in the comments section I am sure!

One of the reasons I admire your writing is your unapologetic broad statements! You are able to set individual and varying situations aside and look at the over all patterns! Very refreshing!

I also agree with some of the comments above about the definition of unconditional love! I think humans intuit there is such a possibility but we will need to evolve a bit more to practice and/or receive it!

Much more to follow! Busy day ahead! GREAT Hub Master Wabond! Blessings always, Earth Angel!


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Bob,

I think what you are expressing the confusion both men and women feel when they no longer stick to their traditonal roles. Wmen are now learning to love themselves more, but some feel quilty doing this, although women want to have loving men they become suspisious men who show they are loving. We do live in confusing times as the roles of men and women are changing.


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Earth Angel,

Yes, I do try to see things on the whole. This can be confusing to many people as they tend to take things from their own personal experience. So if I say women are more loving than men, someone can point to a woman they know, who is not very loving. But if we look at things from the whole, we find that women commit far less crime and acts of violence than men.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Blessings to you this lovely morning Wabond,

One of the most disturbing long-standing statistics in the U.S. (any maybe many other parts of the world) is the number one cause of death in pregnant women: murder! Not accident, complications, RH factor, cancer; more than all other factors combined the number one cause of death in pregnant women is murder! (Usually by the father of the unborn child (but not always!)

On a lighter note, there is one mammal born fully developed with eyes open, all instincts in place, and ready to run if necessary: wild rabbits!

Blessings on your day! Earth Angel!


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Earth Angel

Yes, people get disturbed by statistics like this. It must be very difficult for women to fall in love with men, knowing how dangerious they are. Men are by far the most dangerious animal on the planet. It is a bit like a woman falling in love with a male Tiger and wanting him to live with her in her house.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

You are so correct wabond! And we want them to be cute little rabbits instead! Have a GREAT evening! Earth Angel!


Sun-Girl profile image

Sun-Girl 5 years ago from Nigeria

Excellent article which really fascinated me a lot. I THINK THAT MEN SHOULD REALLY BE THOUGHT HOW TO LOVE AND ALSO HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN BECAUSE IN THIS PRESENT ERA, THEIR LOVE TOWARDS WOMEN IS TURNING TO SOMETHING ELSE.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Blessings to you this Friday morning Wabond,

Can we really "teach" anyone, male or female, to Love? We can teach people how to "act" but can we really teach anyone how to Love?

I consider Love more a process and less an emotion! Thanks to you, your wonderful Hub and the great comments, it's a question I have been pondering all week!

Your thoughts Wise One?

Blessings always, Earth Angel!


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Thank you Sun Girl for your comments here and on my other hubs.


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Earth Angel, I don't know about the wise one stuff.

Anyway, I think men and women do love in different ways. For women love is not an option, they have a powerful maternal instinct and are programmed to love others whether they like it or not. So even if a woman decides that children are too much of a burden and does not want any, she still has a need to have a pet in which to mother. Women also mother men and people who need to be cared for, like old people and the sick.

For men, love is a option, their maternal instincts are not so strong and men can decide not to love others or can be trained not to do this. Certainly the macho culture is very effective in training men not to love. This is because men are told that love is a 'weakness' and needs to be resisted if you want to be a 'real man'.

Male love is also mixed up in hero worship. Men can hero worship successful alpha men, like sporting stars, pop stars, successul politicians and even despotic dictators like Hitler. This hero worship can cause problems when men love women, because men are very heirarchal in the way they think and feel. Men find it a lot easier to love women whom they think are higher than them in the pecking order. And don't have a lot of regard to women whom they see as being lower than them in status.

So if a man wants to deeply love a woman he wants to put her on a pedistal, so he can worship her. But this depends on if the women is willing to accept him wanting to do this. Certainly if a man is willing to allow a women to train him how to love, he has to see her as being above him in the pecking order.

I know this can cause problems for women because they do not have the same heirarchal instincts. But these instinct come for men's strong competitive instincts where he sees everything in terms of a game of winners and losers.

So men and women do love in different ways and I think this does cause confusion for both sexes, when they try to love each other.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Good Saturday morning blessings to you Wabond!

GREAT comment above! Yes, the whole competitive dynamic, especially strong in sports and politics and some professions, is antithetical to the ability to love!

You bring up some interesting points about hierarchy, that have certainly been my experience! That I am a successful woman brings much attention from successful alpha men! But for me, it is my internal qualities which have the most value! Often to men, not so much!

In my various appointments with clients I have been bringing up the question: Can a person be taught to love? The consensus was that women know how to love without being taught (no surprise there)! But for men the issue of 1) self-esteem/self-love (or lack thereof) and 2) spiritual connection/awareness/unfolding (or lack thereof) heavily influences their ability to love (or lack thereof)!

More to ponder today! What do you think?

Blessings to you always! Earth Angel!


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Earth Angel,

I am very sure men can be taught or encoaraged how to love. The competitive instinct does get in the way of this, but only if things are taken to the extreme. Men can get so competitive that they end up hating the people they are competiting against.

Men are strange like this. If you see boxing matches the boxers will say horrible things to each other before the fight then in the ring try and knock each other out. But at the end of the fight they will hug and show love and affection for each other.

I personally think that love is natural for all people. Though the instinct to love is far stronger in women than in men. The problem is for men is that they can be easy taught how to fear and hate others which blocks off their ablility to love.

Patriarchal societies all encoarage men to be macho because of warfare. The big problem about war is that men are not natural killers. So in any war a small group of psychopaths can defeat a far larger army of ordinary men. Because ordinary men find killing others a real problem, but the psychopaths don't.

So to be successful in war, the patriarchal soicety has to train its men to be ruthless killers. To do this, men need to be trained to cut off any loving feelings they have and to hate the enemies of the state. This is why in the macho culture any loving feelings are seen as a 'weakness'.

It is also a lot easier to train men to be killers if you start them young, this is why boys are bombarded with comics, books, films and video games about war and violence, to indocrinate them into thinking violence is 'normal' for men. So the macho culture is successful in turning young men into 'good' soldiers but has a devestating effect on the society we live in. Simply because boys caught up in the macho culture end up being taught how to hate and find it hard to love others. They also can end up killing people who don't happen to be enemies of the state and get put into prison.

This then is the problem for any government. If it was to teach its men how to love, it would do society a lot of good, but these men would make very poor soldiers if the country was invaded, as they would find killing a problem.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Hm - a 'broad' subject (excuse the pun - unintended, but then I couldn't help but notice.)

I have many opinions and ideas about this subject. Makes me wish I were sitting across from you over a sip of something and could discuss it that way. I can write a response, but it would be insufficient. I can almost sense that you, in writing the article and even replying to the comments, faced the same dilemma.

But your article certainly stimulates my thought! Thank you.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Dearest Nellieanna,

Oh you do tempt us with your unwritten thoughts! Do tell! I agree; I would LOVE to be able for all of us to have a nice glass and exchange ideas, thoughts and solutions for world peace!

Hello William! Hope all is well on your side of the pond!? You are just the BEST! I am still reading your comment with a big smile on my face! Thank you again!

Blessings always, Earth Angel!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Hello, Earth Angel! Ah YES - that would be such a treat! I suppose, though, that our opportunity to introduce and discuss almost anything here on HP is the next-best-thing. We all like to write and I certainly have no compunctions about going on and on to try to express whatever it is. But in some areas, the underlying associations and experience can be a bit overwhelming to try to cover in even a lengthy comment. Much about this has been touched on in my many hubs and poems, from the many angles it brings to bear. It's just "much" to attempt here and now, not to be provocative, but to spare everyone, including myself, an inadequate, but lengthy attempt! William can be credited with stirring it to near the surface all at once! :-)

I admire his willingness to take a plunge into subjects about which he obviously cares and has given much thought and study. Perhaps I need to just quietly take it in for now! ;->


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Nellieanna and Earth Angel

For me it is a lot easier to express myself through writing as it gives me time to think and meditate over what I am going to say. Also, if write something that is silly you can cross it out and write it again.

I have had experiences where you do meet someone and somehow get on the same wavelength and have a deep and meaningful converation, but that doesn't happen very often. And it can be a bit frustating, as you can meet the same person again, but you cannot find the same deep connection with them.

I think these things only work out, if somehow people get connected with the ONE and meet each other while they still have that connection.


Bard of Ely profile image

Bard of Ely 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

William, I have tagged this hub as awesome, and so it is, and voted up! Looking back on my own life and experience I think I learned to love from loving nature since I was a little boy. I always had a menagerie of creatures and realised that they depended on me so I got them food, cleaned out their living quarters etc. I grew up thinking of animals in my care,even insects, fish and amphibians, as like children. That is how I viewed them. I think if you love nature you love life and will be able to love yourself and others but sadly many people are disconnected from nature or see it as something to control and use.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Dearest William/wabond,

I think Bard of Ely brings up a good point about connecting with nature as being an important way to learn love from an early age! Nurturing and caring for things smaller than us is a good start!

I think if you were to add a poll to his Hub (or others) and ask about the importance nature played in people's lives, and the caring for the creatures in need of help along the way, they would be a direct correlation between "knowing how to love" and "knowing nature!"

Unfortunately, with the positive side of computers comes the ugly underbelly ~ Not enough time spent in solitude, nature and rites of passage!

Just a bit ago, on my way home, I stopped at a local organic farmer's market and ran into a friend! She was on the phone with another friend who was in the process of rescuing some tadpoles! 3 adult women and 2 teenagers (there's hope) across several counties crying over the successful rescue of a dozen little frogs-in-the-making!

Who knows, one may be the next Dalai Lama! Or was the last Dalai Lama!

Here in California there is a wonderful deep nature movement unfolding! www.OutsideNow.org! Yes, I think Bard/Steve has something to the Nature unfolding the Nurture!

Blessings to you both this wonderful weekend! Earth Angel!

P.S. Bard, I voted for Manana at Bloom!


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Bard,

Yes, caring for pet animals is a good way for boys to learn how to love, but it depends on how they are brought up. I have certainly witnessed boys who can be very cruel to animals. But if their parents are like this or the community they live in, then they will accept this as normal.

I suppose I was lucky because both my parents did care a lot about animals and so me and my brother had the same attitude. But some of the boys we played with, when we were young, had no regard for animals at all.

It does seem to me that boys can be brought up to be very loving towards animals and or to be very cruel to them. And boys can be easy trained to go in either direction.


wabond profile image

wabond 5 years ago from England Author

Hi Earth Angel

I did have a recent experience of a caring man who looked after animals.

My wife went out to the back garden as saw the very large sea gull on the back lawn. She went to shoo it away but instead of flying it ran to the back of our garden. It soon became clear it had a broken wing. We didn't know what to do with it so I got on my computer and found a local animal sanctuary, we phone it up and half an hour later came this big man with tattoos all over his arms. He look to me like a Hell's Angel biker.

When we showed him the sea gull he spoke to it gently and the sea gull allowed him to pick it up. Though it did try to bite the man's hand. My wife did talk to him a bit and it became clear that his whole life was devoted to caring for animals. So man can be very caring and loving people in the right enviroment.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Dearest William and Sweet Wife,

I am delighted to hear you both helped rescue the broken-winged sea gull! And that you met a man who looked harsh but had a gentle soul! Both just warm my heart! As I'm sure it does yours as well! (The sea gull is happiest of all! Thank you!)

Here in California the Hell's Angels Harley Davidson riding tattooed leather clad bikers have become synonymous with good deeds, especially where it concerns children, animals and the environment! Under all the menacing exteriors beat the hearts of many gentle souls!

We also have the affluent, well-educated, successful and articulate who beats his wife! So glad the sea gull knew enough to land in the backyard of a gentleman who doesn't! ;-)

Blessings to you from a happily recovering seagull! Earth Angel!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Thanks for the interesting reply, William.


Lyla Rai 3 years ago

Thank you for this insightful and thought-provoking article.

Do you think it's possible to change a man's 'femdom' fantasies of being treated cruelly by a sadistic/violent/aggressive woman? My boyfriend has these types of fantasies. I tried to indulge him but I don't feel natural being a 'dominatrix'. I feel like I'm acting or playing a role. I'm a loving and nurturing person.. I feel honored that he wants to submit to me but I don't want to hurt him the way he wants me to. I wonder if it's possible for a man to outgrow 'femdom' fantasies and submit and be guided by a woman in a loving relationship ?


wabond profile image

wabond 3 years ago from England Author

Hi Lyla Rai, it is about who exactly is the boss. If you are suppose to be the boss then you are free to treat exactly like you want. But if he is telling you to whip him or something else, and you don't want to do it, then it is not you who is the boss, but him.

Basically, if he wants to submit to you, then it has to be in ways you feel comfortable with. After all the name of the game is that you dominate him, and to do this properly, it has to be how you want to do it. So if he asks you to do something you don't want to do, then ask him, who exactly in the boss in your relationship. You may find that the more you are bossy with him, and assert your authority, the less he will want you to be cruel to him. After all, you can be bossy without being cruel.

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