Teaching men how to love
Why Is Love Far Easier For Women Than Men?
For women, learning to love is easy. Most of them have powerful maternal and nurturing instincts which they freely express. When a woman gives birth, she generally falls totally in love with her baby and is happy to devote her life to caring for her child.
If you look at the 'caring' professions, like teaching, nursing and the care of the elderly, they are dominated by women. For many women, the problem is not how to love, but how to avoid committing their whole lives to loving and caring for others. This dilemma was explored by therapist Robin Norwood in her books, “Women Who Love Too Much” and “Letters from Women Who Love Too Much”.
Men, on the other hand, don't have such a powerful maternal instinct. Their involvement in child-care is often minimal and they can become angry if they feel their needs are not being met fully because a woman is taking care of a child. We can see this easily through the behaviour of those men who leave their wives after they have given birth, because they are devoting more time to the baby than to them. And in their reluctance to pay for the maintenance of their own children after a relationship breaks down.
Usually, the legal system has to force them to support their own offspring. Other men, who stay with their partners, can physically harm their own children, in some cases because they are jealous of the love their wives give to them and see their children as love- rivals for their wife’s affection. At worst, men can see their children as objects for sexual gratification and abuse them, even kill them.
It's not true of all men. Some are able to love and care for their wives and children. There are even those who will look after the home and children while their wives go out to work. Why is it that some men can do this, but other men are so selfish that they are even unable to love their own children?
It could be that unlike women, whose love and nurturing seems to be a natural instinct, men have to learn how to love, and for most men, this lesson comes from women. If no woman is willing or available to do this, men never get the chance to learn how to love. One of the reasons might be that in an extremely patriarchal society women do not have the authority to teach men, but there is also another reason
Teaching men how to love can be difficult for some women. Their maternal instincts are so strong that they spend their whole lives in loving, giving and caring for others, but they have no desire to teach their sons or husbands to do the same. A boy who has a mother like this, will find she loves him unconditionally and does everything for him
When he gets married he might marry a woman who is the same, who will also love him unconditionally without expecting anything in return. In a world of totally giving and caring women, men have no opportunity of learning how to love
They can live a life of total selfishness and find women who will love them anyway. This means that for women to teach men how to love, they first need to learn to love themselves.
A man who lives with a woman who loves him without question will find it difficult to give love in return, because women like this find it hard to receive love. A man can only love a woman to the degree she loves herself. If all her love is focused onto other people and never on herself, she will find it difficult to accept love from other people. If a man tries to love her, she may reject him, because she is only truly comfortable in giving love, not receiving it. A man living with such a woman wouldn't be able to learn from her how to love
In theory it's a wonderful thing that many women are able to love others so completely that they care nothing for themselves. However, this causes a big problem, not only for men but for the whole planet. If men are not given the chance to learn how to love others, they become totally selfish.
The result is that we live in a world ruled by selfish men, who care so little about the suffering of others that they will settle disputes between countries through warfare and genocide. They will also create totally unfair societies where there is a big gap between rich and poor. Women themselves also suffer as they are verbally and physically abused by these selfish men and many are even murdered or raped by them.
By giving men unconditional love, women are treating them like children. Mothers nurture their children until they grow up and have to take responsibility for their own behaviour. But if women continue to give men unconditional love even when they are fully mature, they never get a chance to become real adults.
Like spoiled children, they fail to appreciate the care they are given and often give abuse in return. Not only that, they have ended up ruling the world, where they are callous and violent to other men, children, animals and the whole planet.
If we look at the world’s history, we find that violence, warfare, genocide, torture and rape has always been commonplace. Unfortunately, it is still going on today, in places like Libya, Tunisia, Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Palestine, The Congo, Burma and Somalia. All this violence is caused by selfish men who are not capable of loving and caring for other people. Loving human beings would be incapable of committing such heinous acts. Men are also very self-centred in the way they rule society.
Throughout history there has always been a big gap between rich and poor. It's always been the way that a ruling elite lives in luxury while the rest live in poverty and it's still true today. Through total incompetence and greed, bankers have bankrupted their banks, forcing the taxpayers to bail them out. In spite of the burden put on the taxpayers, these bank executives still expect to receive their million dollar bonuses and in most cases they do.
How can you teach men how to Love?
The only way to change this parlous state of events is for all men to learn how love and care for other people. The only people who can teach this to selfish men is women. Firstly, men have to learn to respect women enough to want to learn from them, and secondly, just as importantly, women have to allow men to love and worship them.
A man can only learn how to love from a woman who loves herself and is comfortable receiving love from a man. He has to love her children as well, even if he hasn't fathered them, because they are part of her. It isn't an easy task in a world that sees caring as a weakness and somehow unmanly.
Many women today are trying to learn how to love themselves by becoming career women. They feel they have to stifle their maternal instincts and care only for themselves. Having children can interrupt your climb to the top of a professional, business or political career, so many 'career' women feel that they have to choose between having a successful job or having children.
Some avoid this dilemma if they come from a rich family or have a rich husband and can afford to pay a nanny to look after their children. Others might be very lucky and have a 'house husband', but most women are not in such a fortunate position. If they have children, they have to become a superwoman who runs a home, looks after children and has a career, all at the same time. Not many can juggle all those balls in the air and succeed. What we need is for men to share the load; support women, care for children and run the home, simply out of love. We have a long way to go
- Matriarchy FAQs
Answers to questions I have been asked about matriarchy
learning how to love yourself and others at the same time.
There are plenty of men today who want to become more loving but find it difficult to find a woman who will accept their devotion. Women are not used to being adored after millennia of abuse in a patriarchal world
Some men attempt to train a woman to love herself, by slow degrees, so she can eventually see her worth and accept his love. Unfortunately, they often go about it the wrong way and can end up trying to teach women how to act and behave like an abusive man
This is what has happened in the 'Femdom' scene. Men expect women to dress up in black leather, plastic or rubber and then to hurt them, by whipping, caning or even torturing them. It may be a powerful fantasy that is being realised by the men involved but it is doubtful whether teaching women to be violent is at all helpful. Admittedly, as women learn to love themselves they may feel intense anger about their past treatment and a desire for revenge, so whipping men might release these feelings, but in the long run, meting out punishment for past pain is not the right way forward for either men or women.
In some ways, life was much easier when women loved children and men unconditionally and men only loved themselves. It's all very muddled now, as women struggle to see themselves as valuable human beings, worthy of the love and devotion of men and men begin to see that they need to care for others as well as themselves. We have to find the balance point between our own needs and those of others, instead of leaving all the caring to women and the selfishness to men. It's a complicated task, but if we want to live in a saner and more loving world, then we have to do it. All people need to love themselves enough to avoid being abused by others, and love others enough to avoid that same abuse for their own selfish ends. Men learning to love women and women learning to love themselves, even though it will take time and we will make many mistakes, will in the end benefit the whole planet.
Women Need to rule our World
Feminism, Femdom and Matriarchy
Femdom and Matriarchal politics
© 2011 William Bond
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