The Biggest Fattest Turn-offs For A Woman Are...

THE NOSE PICKER

This guy could do with some dating tips for men.
This guy could do with some dating tips for men.

1. THE NOSE-PICKER


His fingers have no restraint, no control, almost as they are magnetised to the insides of his nose as they work their way up inside his nostrils. They take on the role of a garden shovel as they dig around his nose garden, left, right, a few anti-clockwise circles here and there. Sometimes if he feels he has hit gold, he holds it up near for close inspection, and marvels at his little treasure. Soon realising it is of no value of all, he flings it from his sight, no matter the location, or wipes it on his clothes, to cleanse his gold fossicking fingers of any evidence.


Some gold diggers prefer to work alone, while others are top team players, and are happy to have a pick regardless of who is there. Women really can't stand the nose-picker, but even at their disapproval, he seems determined to keep searching for gold when he is rostered on for duty.

THE CAVE-MAN

Biggest turn offs
Biggest turn offs

2. THE CAVE-MAN:


You see him heading towards you from afar. Is it a Yeti?, is it a Polar-bear?, is it a Werewolf? You reach down for your weapon in preparation for defence against this unknown assailant, only to discover you have no weapon at all. Your forehead begins to perspire, your throat begins to dry, your screams build silently inside as you can barely stand with fear. Just as this creature is upon you, you sigh with relief as you realise it is only the hairy neighbour next door, returning from his evening jog, his shirt wrapped loosely around his waist to reveal his abundance of thick dark body hair.

He waves and utters unrecognizable cave-man words, "kak kak tee too fut". You turn your gaze abruptly from your neighbour, as you try to dampen your strong desires to prune him with your hair-dressing scissors. How can a man like that survive in the humid Summer weather, wearing his plush fur-coat twenty-four hours a day?. Oh let me tell you this is not what women want at all, hence the number two turn-off on my list.

THE FLASHER

Guy get girl
Guy get girl

3. THE FLASHER:


You sit there quietly sipping on your Midori at a small Sunday afternoon gathering of friends and friends of friends when suddenly you catch a glimpse of something most strange from the corner of your eye. At first it appears the unknown man sitting opposite you must be the one cooking the barbecue, as there he is sitting there and he has dropped an egg in his lap.

He continues to talk to Bill Ding, the host of the party, completely unaware or unbothered that he has lost one of his eggs he should be frying, when suddenly a fainting attack springs mercilessly upon you. That little ole egg is not an egg at all, you have suddenly realised, but in fact his left testicle protruding from his Puma shorts, ohhhhh, and no matter which way you turn your gaze its looking right at you.

You look sheepishly at the people around you to see who else has noticed only to find everyone has moved away, probably to get as far away from the intruding testicle as possible. With a small audible cough you rise from your seat as you excuse yourself as you leave, time to flee the offending stray testicle as fast as you can. Yikes how many times have I seen a run-away testicle. Honestly some men need to keep their testicles on a leash, their fall-out factor rates higher than the lava explosion of Mt Kosciuszko. Women do not find this a pleasant thing at all. Hence the third biggest turn-off.

THE VACUUM-CLEANER

How to get women? Certainly not like this.
How to get women? Certainly not like this.

4. THE VACUUM CLEANER


The air is full with the smell of buttered popcorn, the lights are dim, the theatre alive with noisy chatter and slurping straw sounds. Your date coughs predictably as he slides his hand to grasp yours. He turns at you and grins, as you fake a smile back in return, angry that your friends put you in this position at all. You make a new resolution then and there, that you never ever will be at the hands of matchmakers again.

His head moves slowly closer to yours as you freeze like a ice-cube, "oh god just tell me he isn't going to kiss me", you say silently to yourself. Without any warning he swoops like a eagle planting his wet lips on yours and oh it begins. His mouth transposes into a living vacuum cleaner, as he devours half of your face with his wet sloppy machinery.

Oh and how disgusting it feels you can barely take it another second. His untrained, sloppy tongue nearly lunges up your nostrils as his saliva runs down your chin. Oh you look frantically for the power switch to turn off this human vacuum, but alas there is none. As he continues to devour like a piranha, you wrench your lips from his grip and run towards the exit, not stopping to look back. Oh men nothing is a worse turn-off than a sloppy vacuum kisser, if your skills are lacking for heavens sake start practising on that orange in your fruit bowl.

What women want from men is not this type of guy.
What women want from men is not this type of guy.

5. THE GET IN YOUR PANTS MAN:


This man must be unaware that he is taller than your breast level as he looks at them in a kind of a trance as he rattles on about how good he is, how he defeated Goliath, how many chicks he can pull. Not that a woman objects to a man looking at her breasts in a quick gust of admiration, it's the 30min staring that stretches it a little far. If only you had false teeth you would drop them when he approaches, and see how many hours it takes him to notice, as you are quite convinced he has never seen your face before. You are also quite convinced he has a pair of eyes and a mouth in his pelvic region as that is where all his talking seems to stem from.


He doesn't care if you are dying, suffering from hypothermia, or recovering from a life-threatening attack by a crocodile, as his only intention is to lure you into the sack, as quick as a roo jumps Ayers Rock. His pick-up lines that pour from his being are lame and cheesy, "I wet my pants... can I get in yours?" Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass" Oh boy oh boy. When this man sits on the couch he even strokes at his crotch as he watches tv, does he think it's going to run away or something? This type of animalistic over the top sex machine is a huge turn off to women earning its 5th position on the list.

THE DEAD EGG

Excessive body odor is a huge turn-off.
Excessive body odor is a huge turn-off.

6. THE DEAD EGG:


To stand in the vicinity of two yards of him you need to keep a face mask at hand. Oh the stench of his breath is unbearable. Even when you dropped that hand painted boiled egg that sat on the shelf for three years shattering it upon the ground, it simply did not smell half as bad as the odour exuding from his breath. This is stink number one in the turn-off list.

Oh and the brown wet stains that he likes to wear on his t-shirt all in the armpit region comes a close second. As he raises his arms to wipe the huge drops of sweat that trickle from his greased hair, the odour knocks everyone over around him. You swear to yourself your going to buy him a deodorant set for Xmas, but the poor bloke would have no idea what on earth it was that you gave him, so why bother. Perhaps these men are really blind and have not learned how to navigate yet to the bathroom. Only God knows! Smelly men are high up there in our turn off list, don't you guys knows its just like smelling two day old prawn shells in the wheelie bin. Yikes!!

THE ROOSTER

It is near impossible for The Rooster to pick up women, well good women that is.
It is near impossible for The Rooster to pick up women, well good women that is.

7. THE ROOSTER:


This man is totally self absorbed and arrogant while posing, and big-noting himself is his second nature. He waffles on endlessly "I did this", "I did that", "Oh look at me I'm finer than a ghecko on heat", "got five grand in me bank", "saving for a penis extension", "oh that will rattle the chicks". "going to be a male porn star they want me bad".

This man does not care to listen to a word that anyone says around him, he cares for no-one but himself and uses every fantasy story he can conjure to try and big note his ego and impress others around him. Everything is me. me. me, like who really gives two hoots anyway. Yawn! Even a beetle has more personality than this small penised loser, women do not care for vain, arrogant men in the least. A real man uses his rich witty personality to woo a woman and does not have to rely on these rooster devices in the least. Cock-a-doodle-doo!!!

Big talkers you rate high in our turn offs get your heads out your rears and maybe you would see the real world for a change.

THE STINK BOMB

A piece of dating advice,stop impersonating a hot air balloon.
A piece of dating advice,stop impersonating a hot air balloon.

8. THE STINK BOMB:


He tries his hardest to impress you by whatever means he can. That includes the tremendous loud sounding fireworks that he rips from his buttock cheeks while his face turns red with the exhaustion of squeezing out such a bellow. You count one, two, three, because you know once you get to three, the smell is going to hit you and it will be time to evacuate. He has many styles to his bombing art including:

a. Cock the leg to the side and aim straight..

b. Squat down low and let it go like a atom bomb

c. A slight lift of the right cheek walking position.

d. Stick your butt as close to a nearby human as you pass them by.


This man has mastered it all, and drops them fast and hard, occasionally resting his hard efforts with the 'silent but deadly' deadly gas invasion. His idea of trying to woo you is capturing you in his old Commodore, pressing the windows 'up' button so you cannot escape, before dropping his 'dead egg' combo. When his gas is released it does not matter where he is, it must somehow trigger the laughter button in his spinal chord, as chuckling loud always accompanies his explosions.


He wonders why you talk to him from the kitchen or anywhere afar and decide to jog around the house exercising, when he drops his surprises. He never for once assumes he is the cause, how can anyone not enjoy his buttock explosions, as much as he does? He scratches his head further when you once again turn down his offer to go out with him, after all he is "the fart machine of the century".


Oh guys save your random gas expulsions til you at least have been dating for sometime and have become familiar with each other, not in the 'trying to impress' the girl stage, the smell just kills us and if we wanted to hear all those orchestral sounds we would rather listen to a rock and roll CD. Oooo what a turn-off a butt bellow can be!

Please Feel Free To Leave Your Comments 124 comments

waynet profile image

waynet 6 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

Awesome, now I need help, got to wade through these turn offs one by one!


TattoGuy 6 years ago

Tears are drippin down my cheeks, I am the get in yer pants man but hey Poet if I got in yer pants just once I wud die a happy Pirate xoxo


wsp2469 profile image

wsp2469 6 years ago from Alta Loma, Ca

I so want to do a response to this hub!

Still, I'm torn between coming up with female equivalents or perhaps generally agreeing with you and adding my own twists.

I love when you demonstrate a sense of humor!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there Waynet surely you are not guilty of any of these deadly sins. Looking at you I would say butter would not melt in your mouth :)

Haaaa TG, darn that's what I love bout ya is you are so darn honest...you making me laugh now lol.

Hey there wsp2469 mmm now what type of trait here would I put you down for. I have one selected as I have ESP but will keep you in suspense LMAO.


Candie V profile image

Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Ah BP.. You've struck gold here! Hahaha! I know at least one of each.. and several who embody many of these.. OY!! Loved it!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there Candie great to see you. Haha you know one of each oh boy I do too. They stand out like a tiger in a goldfish bowl don't they. To make matters worse my first kiss was from a vacuum cleaner guy aghh enough to put me off for life.


alekhouse profile image

alekhouse 6 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

Very funny...I think you hit the nail on the head!


dohn121 profile image

dohn121 6 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

:D I think I bruised my noggin when I fell off my chair and hit my head and went unconscious for 20 or 30 minutes, give or take...While reading this BP. Hearing you vent about such riff-raff makes me ashamed that I'm a "bloke" *snip*

I can't even begin to tell you how funny this was for me to read. Love ya, BP! As soon as I clean myself up, I'm taking you out for ice cream :D xox


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Lol thanks alexhouse I'm sure I have to :)

Hahaha Dohn I can just picture it. I would love to go out for a ice-cream, a triple sundae with chocolate and cream mmm. Do you think you will employ any of these traits above while we are eating hahah.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

I've dated them all and still can't choose. What's a gal to do? :)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hiya lorlie6 umm,maybe resign ourselves to the fact men will be men sigh.


wsp2469 profile image

wsp2469 6 years ago from Alta Loma, Ca

I have some body hair but it's not black and not as thick as what you would expect. It's also not course and i have plenty of places where I have little hair. Plus, I allow whatever woman I am seeing the most to groom me as she sees fit. I even sometimes trim myself. So I really don't think I fit into any of them exactly.


Candie V profile image

Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Can you say 'body waxing' and gas-x? hahaha! We've traveled in the same circles blondy, my fried! Where oh where is the ol' gang?? Ah, that's right HT has been here and left his mark!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Wow wsp that was a mouthful LMAO. You sound like a very laid back type of guy unlike some of these guys featured on this page. I'm very laid back too I just go with the flow.

Who is HT Candy you have me totally stumped lol. I miss our chats and our hijacking so much. So much has changed since I've been back and so many people missing or just staying quiet, oh those were the days.


mtsi1098 6 years ago

This is a great hub and I am happy to say I do not consider myself among these categories. The pictures perfectly matched the text...thanks for stating my day with laughter...


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Lol I am thrilled you enjoyed it mtsi1098, sometimes things around get so darn serious, and there is nothing better to have a great laugh. Thanks heaps.


waynet profile image

waynet 6 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

Actually I do only occasionally pick n flick some cool sculptured bogies and let a few stink bombs off and that's it, I is no caveman, too tired to get in my womans pants(Don't think I'd fit!) and I do not pose like a rooster!!


The Old Firm profile image

The Old Firm 6 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

Gidday bp, good to see you 'round.

I guess that you'll have to put up with my chairy little hest, I've no wish to look like a skinned rabbit. Anyway the crest of hair I have from belt buckle to sternum adds a certain charm to the conversational scars occupying the same track.

As the saying goes, I find hair on a woman's chest enormously attractive, - just so long as it's mine.

Cheers kid,

TOF


Raven King profile image

Raven King 6 years ago from Cabin Fever

Blondepoet your hub is too hilarious my eyes are welling and streaking from the laughter. :D


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haaa Waynet my theory is all in moderation,you have probably been with your lady some time now so you're allowed to fart as you like LMAO. I know all men pick their snozzer but I'm sure you do it in style.

Hey TOF u seriously as hairy as the cave man. Nah you probably got average amount of hair and dang nothing is wrong with a bit of feathering on the chest.I bet it suits you too. Not only that I have never heard you say "Kak kak tee"

Hey Raven LMAO I'm so glad my story entertained you. A good ole belly laugh aint hurt noone I declare. Great to see you again. xo


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

Oh MY Blonde hahaha, thanks for making my day, I love MEN but then "NO Thanks", hehe, Maita


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Lol Maita you mean you don't want one of those cavemen with the fur coats to keep you warm at night.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

I don't know what to say. I love this. You are just amazing.


love my yorkies profile image

love my yorkies 6 years ago from way out west

glad you are back. this was so funny and kinda scary at the same time. omg, the one guy looks like a rug he's so hairy. good hub


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Lol thanks Micky the question of the day would be did you see any of yourself in any of these men? I have dated them all and oh boy I could write a whole book.

Hi love my yorkies it is kind of scary especially when you meet the vacuum the very first time a guy kisses you. Oh it is enough to put you off pashing for life lol.


ralwus 6 years ago

So happy you are back in form girl. this rocks. Where did ya get that picture of me snow blowin'? LMAO


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hahaha Ralwus I hope you don't mind I used it. I actually took the snap last year when I came to visit ya don't you remember. You were giving AE, Anna and I a demonstration of your many talents.


Jess Killmenow profile image

Jess Killmenow 6 years ago from Nowheresville, Eastern United States

There is just no hope for me at all. :(


The Old Firm profile image

The Old Firm 6 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

If you've dated all these types Debs you'll definitely have to raise your' standards. Try visiting NZ (great place to visit, crap place to work), we have a much higher standard of cretin.

And nah, I'm not quite that hairy, - and I have a much more refined nose!

(PS, how do you break a pom's finger?

- You punch him in the nose.)

Cheers.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 6 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Debs stay far away from NZ, it is a little island filled with sheep and the guys on your hub! Don't listen to TOF! Excellent, gave me a good belly laugh, made all my rolls start to vibrate that I lost my balance and fell on my bum!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there Jess, oh there is always hope if an abundance of hair is your problem come see me and I will wax you smooth

Haa TOF well you see I never quite knew about some of these men before I actually dated them. How did I know some were so gassy or that they were going to play with their ding a lings while we watched the late night Sunday movie. Sure I will come see the stock over there but I have heard there are a lot of cavemen there up yonder in the hills

Hey there Cindy I hope you don't mind that I used the pic of your ex, the rooster. His lips werent a little like the vacuum were they? Oh my. Oh so you reckon TOF is leading me astray? Gosh it is good to have such wise counsel oh what a top friend you are? Please do not hook me up with any roosters though will you when I come visit?


Triplet Mom profile image

Triplet Mom 6 years ago from West Coast

BP - Have you been introduced to some of my ex's? Great hub!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there TM I'm kicking myself that is was indeed I who introduced them to you, hell no wonder they are ex's. LMAO.


trooper22 profile image

trooper22 6 years ago from Chicago

Thanks for posting this BP, looks like I have to work on a few things! Welcome back lady Hotness!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oh wow hi Trooper darn I thought you had gone oh it's just great to see you are here woo hoo!


stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 6 years ago from Australia

Haha, so funny - except for Cave Man - I don't mind a hairy man! Hehe!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there strictlydating great to get your opinion I will send Mr Cave-man straight over he will be thrilled ROFL.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Ha Ha. brilliant! i could'nt stop giggling. Thanks for that! cheers nell


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Thanks so much Nell I'm thrilled you had a giggle or two. These men do tend to have that effect lol.


Run Down Battery profile image

Run Down Battery 6 years ago from UK

Still lauging now!!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Lol Run Down Battery I am so glad, that's men for you!!!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 6 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

LOL! I "thumbed up" your Hub as soon as I scanned it. I knew from the subheads and pics that this was going to be a raucous read. Then I went back to read word for word. You didn't disappoint.

The Nose Picker especially rings a bell...a girl friend of mine who spends a lot of time on the road said to me once, "What's with it with these guys picking their noses in their cars? They think nobody can see them?"

I needed a good laugh today. Thanks so much.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

LMAO Sally oh you are a gem, you gave me my first cheek to cheek smile for today. Haaa that is so funny about the nose picking in the car but so so true. Their fingers must get exceptionally itchy in the car, or they assume their windows are double tinted, as oh you see so many of these, especially when you pull up at a red light. Oh no shame have they lol.


AEvans profile image

AEvans 6 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

You certainly know how to cheer a person up!!! This made me laugh for so long it took me awhile to get through this one, (((Big Hugs)) thank you!!! Nose Picker, Caveman, hehehehehhe you are so silly, but they do exist I see them and one is our neighbor. lololololo :D


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haha AE ooo I am so glad as you certainly needed cheering up. You know some of these dudes too? Boy oh boy how many women have said that. I wonder why ROFL? You know me I'm silly and lovin' it.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

A really great article, BP. It grabs you from the very beginning. so well written(though how you got that top picture of me I'll never know!)

How are ya, Sweetie?


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 6 years ago from Canada

As president of Nosepickers International, I feel obliged to register an appeal on behalf of our membership, many of whom are still experiencing life at the Neanderthal level.

Nosepicking, despite its lack of appeal to womanhood, has been refined over the centuries into a globally recognized and highly regarded rite of passage for maledom in all societies. For example, a fully developed nosepicking project is never complete until the gold has been rolled into a delicately formed ball before the picker "flings it from his sight" as you so ingloriously describe the final brushstroke. I was saddened to see no mention of this refinement in your article.

I encourage you to gain a deeper understanding of our sacred tradition and then write another Hub disclosing your new findings. Your cooperation in this matter would go a long way toward advancing the development of our membership, perhaps placing them somewhat closer to the more highly evolved state of femininity. A benefit to you and your contemporaries would be an enlarged group of satisfactory specimens from which to pick your mating companions.

I thank you respectfully for your consideration.

El Primo Nosepicker


abinavis profile image

abinavis 6 years ago from Bat Island

A bit scared but funny too. I don't think they are 'awesome', don't you? thanks for the pictures.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there Christoph wow what a great surprise to wake up to. Oh that pic!!! I hope you don't mind I used that snap. I kind of got carried away with my Polaroid when I came to visit, I err sort of thought it a more appropriate one than the one of you in your birthday suit on the back of your Harly, those ones I posted to U Tube LMAO

Dear Niteriter, president of the nose-picker foundation, oh you have made some great points. Darn I should have sought your counsel before completing the nose picker profile. How could I overlook that sacred ritual of refinement. Carn the crows and shoot the cow :)

Dear abinavis thankyou so much for your imput here, yes they are a little scarey, but the truth had to come out.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

I do think you were a little cruel publishing a picture of Sir Dent and then calling him "a Caveman" Blondepoet!!! ;)

Seriously though, a fabulous Hub that had me giggling throughout :)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haha misty you don't know how much my hair-dressing scissors quiver when I see him. How much my waxing strips waver.If this is what they call self-restraint then I'm at the top end of the scale. So glad you liked it hey Misty gawd we all need to have a laugh.


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 6 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

As always an entertaining hub. I had a hearty laugh.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hiya Anamika I bet you've seen a rooster or two in your time glad to give you a smile :)


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Oh, BP! I think I just peed my pants!!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haaa habee oh that's so cool I regularly pee mine lolol. Don't feel so alone now :)


I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s profile image

I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s 6 years ago

Soo funny, BP! I recall, a discussion we had back in the day that the vacuum-cleaner guy could be of benefit is you brought home to tend to dust bunnies on drapery, capets,and even to clean algae from a fish tank.. If you get him hot enough, could also make for a great steam cleaner.. Haha.. and what about the cave-man.. can you not see the potential sheer of that fine wooly coating for a dazzling jumper.. ROFL..

You are the best! :)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haaa invictus, some great points there especially the sheep shearing of the caveman. Wow we could make a fortune starting up the business.


logic,commonsense 6 years ago

BP just when I think you are special, you come up with more great stuff to show you are truly awesome! I love reading your hubs as I am continually amazed at the quality and true depth of what you do and what you are! Love it and you!


logic,commonsense 6 years ago

BP just when I think you are special, you come up with more great stuff to show you are truly awesome! I love reading your hubs as I am continually amazed at the quality and true depth of what you do and what you are! Love it and you!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Aww Logic you sure know how to woo a girl. I bet you are no vacuum cleaner!! Care to demonstrate. Today is demonstration day so feel free. Love ya too Logic!!


oliversmum profile image

oliversmum 6 years ago from australia

Hi blondepoet. What great reading,I laughed till I cried,nobody there that you would take home to meet your parents, O well there has got to be some nice ones out there somewhere.:) :)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haha oliversmum I am thrilled you enjoyed it. Oh I can just imagine introducing this lot to my folk, oh the look on their faces...yes must be some good ones out there...sigh


Sherbet Penny profile image

Sherbet Penny 6 years ago from Galway, Ireland.

HAHAHAHAHA this hub was hilarious, but I'm a little freaked out, how do you know me, I'm everything you described here, you been spying on me, and the pictures of me too, oh wait, now I'm starting to sound like the rooster, balls lol, very funny hub, "the vacuum cleaner" lol where did you come up with these titles, can I climb in to your mind for the day, no wait, I think that could be very dangerous.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there Sherbs. Lol I would have liked to be a fly on the wall. Aghhh so you have a little each in you, oh darn it you should have told me earlier and I would have got you to pose for this hub. Hope you are available for the second LMAO


Sherbet Penny profile image

Sherbet Penny 6 years ago from Galway, Ireland.

I am available and I promise to trim the nose-hairs that have joined my ear hairs slightly connecting to my half bald head because I'm so great, yes, me, the man, a great big hairy man lol


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hahaha Sherbet you rock. Can't wait for the photo shoot, looking forward to seeing what you got. Don't worry I am a hairdresser I will give your nose a little clip.


Mikel G Roberts profile image

Mikel G Roberts 6 years ago from The Heartland

I wish I could paste my laughing smiley here...

Funny stuff! Mikel


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

I bet you don't fall into any of these categories Mikel.I bet you wait until at least the fifth date to pass violent wind. Hahahah. :)


SimeyC profile image

SimeyC 6 years ago from NJ, USA

Wow - one wonders how there are any babies made these days - surely 99.99999999% of men fit into on category or another in your list! The one man who doesn't must be very tired indeed!!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haaaa SimeyC I think you may have just hit it on the nail with your 99.9999999% estimate. Err, is that why I'm having trouble finding the right one?


marcel285 profile image

marcel285 6 years ago from New Zealand

Lol!! The biggest mistake of my life was dating a guy who was 10 years older than me, and he was a cross between the Roster and the cave man..Although he was full fledged both!! Needless to say the relationship didn't last long, all of about 2 months. One morning i was horrified to wake up next to him, he was lying on his stomach- naked, and all i could see was a thick black carpet of long hairs. Eeeeewww. At first i freaked out, and thought i was having a nightmare about sleeping with an ape, but then i realized, oh it's just Tony. Lol. Sick Sick Sick, wax that shit!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hahah Marcel oh haven't we all made horrible dating mistakes. I bet when you saw the hair you were tempted to pull out the lawn mower. :)


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 6 years ago from Florida

Ha ha...this is a riot!!! And so true!!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Wow long time no see Anna great to hear from you. :)


StormRyder 6 years ago

You are awesome!! This was so funny and so true..

Stormy...


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hiya Storm I bet you have come across a few of these unsavoury fellas in your lifetime too LMAO.


SimeyC profile image

SimeyC 6 years ago from NJ, USA

Blondepoet: LOL well I'm sure you have most of em lining up outside your door though!!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haha SimeyC yes I have had my share of them I can tell you. :)


SimeyC profile image

SimeyC 6 years ago from NJ, USA

Blondpoet - re-reading my comment - I didn't mean to say that you attract all the degenerates in the world LOL! It was supposed to be a compliment!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Haha you don't have to apologise at all. It is no secret I do attract the degenerates LMAO as well as the nice ones at times. It is ok, BP knows how to handle herself haha.


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

What a cute blonde nurse you are now in your new avatar! This hub was so funny, the pictures were great, and you made some points, albeit in a hugely disgusting way! A must read for all the men who have trouble finding a relationship!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Aww Dolores you are always just so kind.You sure know how to make a girl feel good as always. x0


ruanz3 profile image

ruanz3 6 years ago from South Afirca

Lol nice, you got some pretty rough looking dudes up there. Gotta love Borat though ;D


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oh hi ruanz3 can you identify with any these men LMAO. You don't look hairy to me at all, in fact you look too lovely to be one of these lol.


Betty Reid profile image

Betty Reid 6 years ago from Texas

The caveman doesn't bother me too much, unless he's actually as extreme as your photo. As for the rooster, once when I went to a concert with a friend, a young stranger came up to us and told us he makes $80,000 a year. Then he told us few more times. Then he got annoyed that we didn't seem to care. Luckily I rarely run into the other guys on your list.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oh Betty it is nice to meet a woman with a little fetish for some fur ROFL. Haha your poor 80,000 a year rooster, he is still probably clucking away, probably trying for 100,000 at concerts these days. :)


pastella13 6 years ago

Hi I'm so glad to find your hubs because I love your wicked sense of humour. Great.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Aww thanks pastella, you described me to a tee. My humor always comes up with something LMAO.


samboiam profile image

samboiam 6 years ago from Texas

OMG, I am laughing so hard I can hardly see the screen. That was the funniest thing I have read in a while.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oh I am thrilled you liked it sambo oh please god, tell me you don't have one of those green thong one pieces. :)


samboiam profile image

samboiam 6 years ago from Texas

Of course not. I have a leopard print one piece thong piece. lol


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oooo you tiger you samb...growllllll.....now that made me chuckle LMAO. xo


Michael Willis profile image

Michael Willis 6 years ago from Arkansas

Hilarious and very, very creative writing skills you have. I thoroughly enjoyed this.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

I bet that is how you mow the lawn Michael LMAO!!! Glad you liked it. :)


ethel smith profile image

ethel smith 6 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

That's one great Hub. You must have got every manner of men in there lol


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Aww thanks Ethel haha I think there is a bit of one of these in every man. Lovely to see you. :)


Tusitala Tom profile image

Tusitala Tom 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

At seventy-four, after fifty years being married and having three grown-up children and four grand kids, I find it hard to hark back to how I judged women from the viewpoint of attractiveness. Certainly, I did not have your profound insights as to evaluating the opposite sex's desirability, BP. I married early. My six-year stint in the navy prior to marriage could be summarized by an old naval saying as far as sex was concerned: "Any port in a storm."


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

LMAO Tom I am sure your expression "Any port in a storm", is seconded by a lot of the male species. Haha love your theories. Have a great day.


timorous profile image

timorous 6 years ago from Me to You

Ohhh BP...I can't stop LMAO. I'm sorry you (and every other woman) has to put up with these creatures from a not-so-distant planet.

I don't get it...grooming and showering is not a lot of trouble guys, is it...really?

You'll be happy to know BP, that I exhibit virtually none of these traits. Except occasional, discreet nasal excavation (btw a Neti Pot really reduces the need), and infrequent gas attacks. Fortunately, I maintain a fairly healthy diet, so the accompanying odor is minimized.

I also think I'm old enough to know when and how a girl wants to be kissed, or if she'd rather be somewhere else...I think...


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oh timorous I could just tell you would not fit in any of these categories, for you exude real man-hood. Haha just loved your comment left here, it conjured up so many mental images of you. :)


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 6 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time.

I think (as a Guy does sometimes) that you have to read this when you feel at your worst! In that way you are likely to understand why you feel at your worst! Having read this and Cindy's version of the ideal mountain man, I feel really chuffed that I haven't stacked up too badly in the expert stakes.

Just not driving a Holden gave me back a smidgen of self esteem...phew Well written BP. Thanks for helping me remember that I should change my socks lol.

Oh yeah.... for all the other guys out there... I marked this 'Useful' ok?


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hey there Pearldiver I am thrilled you managed to get over here, and wow I am impressed that you have staked so high not like these poor unfortunate dudes, with gas, belching, over hairy issues LMAO. I always knew you would cut the grade without doubt. Woo hoo!!!!


@MagicBoy profile image

@MagicBoy 6 years ago from Qatar

Hey BP, like always a great hub to read from you and very informative too, for people who are so naive that they fall short of understanding their own body and behaviors..have you done a research on human psychology or what..its amazing to read your bold and over the top posts which makes me realize that you are one of the most happening writers here...keep up the great job and keep rocking...much love...take care...


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oh hi there Magic Boy, you are looking as great as ever. Oh wow you have said such uplifting things thanks so much. Flattery will get you everywhere ROFL. No I have not done any research, I guess going through so many things in such a short time, so many hardships, has given me a heart that tries to reach people and a understanding of the human spirit. Much love to you too, if you ever need an assistant for your magic acts, just call out to me lol.


@MagicBoy profile image

@MagicBoy 6 years ago from Qatar

Sure, would seek your assistance when in need..thank you very much for your reply..the more I read your posts and your comments to others, the more I realise what a wonderful person you are..I wish I could know you better..sending your way lots of love and regards...


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Oh Magic Boy you have given me a smile wider than the Nile river. Truly!!!!! Aww thank you so much, you too seem like a top guy, I definitely will hold way up there. I send you all my love too, every little bit.


Your Knowledge profile image

Your Knowledge 6 years ago

Lol only just saw your reply to my comment. Ive never been around people and girls enough to really know, but ill certainly keep these things in mind for when(and if) i ever have a gf. As always this hub of yours is just awesome. You are awesome!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

omg Ruan hard to believe you are single. What the heck are wrong with the girls your way, are they blind..... you are awesome too.


Your Knowledge profile image

Your Knowledge 6 years ago

Thanks :) Well we cant out all the blame on them but certainly some have to go their way. It didnt help that my confidence was shot most of life either..


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Hi there Ruan you know I used to have next to nil confidence, the most poorest self esteem out there. I bet you would never guess now. You deserve the world to walk, think and act like a king. You are such a beautiful person.


lol 6 years ago

look at he fart guy hillarrious


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia Author

Gee thanks lol. Yes not my normal type of man that is for sure.


Seb@Pedometer watches 5 years ago

What a great list. The vacuum cleaner reminded me of the first girl I kissed. I was about 13 ( I know they start younger now, this was about 1966 ) and it took me quite a while to recover. I approached the next girl with a great deal of trepidation.


Bayli 5 years ago

This hub was great:) check some of mine out:) I'm new on here so spread the word:) thanks!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 5 years ago from australia Author

Hahaha Seb I bet you did LMAO. Thanks so much for coming by :)

Hiya Bayli pleased to meet you. I will check out yours as soon as time permits. Cheers :)

Hahaha John I am so glad you think so, I love hilarious men too. Nothing better than a great laugh :)


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 5 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

hahahahaha. i have nothing to say except laughter. ;)


MandyPandy5 profile image

MandyPandy5 5 years ago

LMAO! ahhhh this is all soooo true! EWwwwww a hairy man is gross!!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 5 years ago from australia Author

LMAO Sheena glad I gave you a giggle :)

Oh I agree Mandy if I had a hairy man like that I would be running over him with a lawn mower lol :)


briannecrystal profile image

briannecrystal 5 years ago

Haha, this was hilarious. I can definitely agree with all of these. I cringed at some of the pictures and descriptions.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 5 years ago from australia Author

Haha briannecrystal oh believe me I cringed at writing them as well lol :)


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

Oh my word I so agree with you and just how gross were some of those pictures! Brilliant, voting up and pressing your buttons again.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Haha acaetnna you can press my buttons anytime :)


3cardmonte 4 years ago

Ha ha that has given me the laugh I needed today. I seem to only attract roosters!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Haha 3cardmonte these blokes are enough to send you to the edge of the world all right lol.

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