The Biggest Fattest Turn-offs For A Woman Are...
THE NOSE PICKER
1. THE NOSE-PICKER
His fingers have no restraint, no control, almost as they are magnetised to the insides of his nose as they work their way up inside his nostrils. They take on the role of a garden shovel as they dig around his nose garden, left, right, a few anti-clockwise circles here and there. Sometimes if he feels he has hit gold, he holds it up near for close inspection, and marvels at his little treasure. Soon realising it is of no value of all, he flings it from his sight, no matter the location, or wipes it on his clothes, to cleanse his gold fossicking fingers of any evidence.
Some gold diggers prefer to work alone, while others are top team players, and are happy to have a pick regardless of who is there. Women really can't stand the nose-picker, but even at their disapproval, he seems determined to keep searching for gold when he is rostered on for duty.
2. THE CAVE-MAN:
You see him heading towards you from afar. Is it a Yeti?, is it a Polar-bear?, is it a Werewolf? You reach down for your weapon in preparation for defence against this unknown assailant, only to discover you have no weapon at all. Your forehead begins to perspire, your throat begins to dry, your screams build silently inside as you can barely stand with fear. Just as this creature is upon you, you sigh with relief as you realise it is only the hairy neighbour next door, returning from his evening jog, his shirt wrapped loosely around his waist to reveal his abundance of thick dark body hair.
He waves and utters unrecognizable cave-man words, "kak kak tee too fut". You turn your gaze abruptly from your neighbour, as you try to dampen your strong desires to prune him with your hair-dressing scissors. How can a man like that survive in the humid Summer weather, wearing his plush fur-coat twenty-four hours a day?. Oh let me tell you this is not what women want at all, hence the number two turn-off on my list.
3. THE FLASHER:
You sit there quietly sipping on your Midori at a small Sunday afternoon gathering of friends and friends of friends when suddenly you catch a glimpse of something most strange from the corner of your eye. At first it appears the unknown man sitting opposite you must be the one cooking the barbecue, as there he is sitting there and he has dropped an egg in his lap.
He continues to talk to Bill Ding, the host of the party, completely unaware or unbothered that he has lost one of his eggs he should be frying, when suddenly a fainting attack springs mercilessly upon you. That little ole egg is not an egg at all, you have suddenly realised, but in fact his left testicle protruding from his Puma shorts, ohhhhh, and no matter which way you turn your gaze its looking right at you.
You look sheepishly at the people around you to see who else has noticed only to find everyone has moved away, probably to get as far away from the intruding testicle as possible. With a small audible cough you rise from your seat as you excuse yourself as you leave, time to flee the offending stray testicle as fast as you can. Yikes how many times have I seen a run-away testicle. Honestly some men need to keep their testicles on a leash, their fall-out factor rates higher than the lava explosion of Mt Kosciuszko. Women do not find this a pleasant thing at all. Hence the third biggest turn-off.
4. THE VACUUM CLEANER
The air is full with the smell of buttered popcorn, the lights are dim, the theatre alive with noisy chatter and slurping straw sounds. Your date coughs predictably as he slides his hand to grasp yours. He turns at you and grins, as you fake a smile back in return, angry that your friends put you in this position at all. You make a new resolution then and there, that you never ever will be at the hands of matchmakers again.
His head moves slowly closer to yours as you freeze like a ice-cube, "oh god just tell me he isn't going to kiss me", you say silently to yourself. Without any warning he swoops like a eagle planting his wet lips on yours and oh it begins. His mouth transposes into a living vacuum cleaner, as he devours half of your face with his wet sloppy machinery.
Oh and how disgusting it feels you can barely take it another second. His untrained, sloppy tongue nearly lunges up your nostrils as his saliva runs down your chin. Oh you look frantically for the power switch to turn off this human vacuum, but alas there is none. As he continues to devour like a piranha, you wrench your lips from his grip and run towards the exit, not stopping to look back. Oh men nothing is a worse turn-off than a sloppy vacuum kisser, if your skills are lacking for heavens sake start practising on that orange in your fruit bowl.
5. THE GET IN YOUR PANTS MAN:
This man must be unaware that he is taller than your breast level as he looks at them in a kind of a trance as he rattles on about how good he is, how he defeated Goliath, how many chicks he can pull. Not that a woman objects to a man looking at her breasts in a quick gust of admiration, it's the 30min staring that stretches it a little far. If only you had false teeth you would drop them when he approaches, and see how many hours it takes him to notice, as you are quite convinced he has never seen your face before. You are also quite convinced he has a pair of eyes and a mouth in his pelvic region as that is where all his talking seems to stem from.
He doesn't care if you are dying, suffering from hypothermia, or recovering from a life-threatening attack by a crocodile, as his only intention is to lure you into the sack, as quick as a roo jumps Ayers Rock. His pick-up lines that pour from his being are lame and cheesy, "I wet my pants... can I get in yours?" Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass" Oh boy oh boy. When this man sits on the couch he even strokes at his crotch as he watches tv, does he think it's going to run away or something? This type of animalistic over the top sex machine is a huge turn off to women earning its 5th position on the list.
THE DEAD EGG
6. THE DEAD EGG:
To stand in the vicinity of two yards of him you need to keep a face mask at hand. Oh the stench of his breath is unbearable. Even when you dropped that hand painted boiled egg that sat on the shelf for three years shattering it upon the ground, it simply did not smell half as bad as the odour exuding from his breath. This is stink number one in the turn-off list.
Oh and the brown wet stains that he likes to wear on his t-shirt all in the armpit region comes a close second. As he raises his arms to wipe the huge drops of sweat that trickle from his greased hair, the odour knocks everyone over around him. You swear to yourself your going to buy him a deodorant set for Xmas, but the poor bloke would have no idea what on earth it was that you gave him, so why bother. Perhaps these men are really blind and have not learned how to navigate yet to the bathroom. Only God knows! Smelly men are high up there in our turn off list, don't you guys knows its just like smelling two day old prawn shells in the wheelie bin. Yikes!!
7. THE ROOSTER:
This man is totally self absorbed and arrogant while posing, and big-noting himself is his second nature. He waffles on endlessly "I did this", "I did that", "Oh look at me I'm finer than a ghecko on heat", "got five grand in me bank", "saving for a penis extension", "oh that will rattle the chicks". "going to be a male porn star they want me bad".
This man does not care to listen to a word that anyone says around him, he cares for no-one but himself and uses every fantasy story he can conjure to try and big note his ego and impress others around him. Everything is me. me. me, like who really gives two hoots anyway. Yawn! Even a beetle has more personality than this small penised loser, women do not care for vain, arrogant men in the least. A real man uses his rich witty personality to woo a woman and does not have to rely on these rooster devices in the least. Cock-a-doodle-doo!!!
Big talkers you rate high in our turn offs get your heads out your rears and maybe you would see the real world for a change.
THE STINK BOMB
8. THE STINK BOMB:
He tries his hardest to impress you by whatever means he can. That includes the tremendous loud sounding fireworks that he rips from his buttock cheeks while his face turns red with the exhaustion of squeezing out such a bellow. You count one, two, three, because you know once you get to three, the smell is going to hit you and it will be time to evacuate. He has many styles to his bombing art including:
a. Cock the leg to the side and aim straight..
b. Squat down low and let it go like a atom bomb
c. A slight lift of the right cheek walking position.
d. Stick your butt as close to a nearby human as you pass them by.
This man has mastered it all, and drops them fast and hard, occasionally resting his hard efforts with the 'silent but deadly' deadly gas invasion. His idea of trying to woo you is capturing you in his old Commodore, pressing the windows 'up' button so you cannot escape, before dropping his 'dead egg' combo. When his gas is released it does not matter where he is, it must somehow trigger the laughter button in his spinal chord, as chuckling loud always accompanies his explosions.
He wonders why you talk to him from the kitchen or anywhere afar and decide to jog around the house exercising, when he drops his surprises. He never for once assumes he is the cause, how can anyone not enjoy his buttock explosions, as much as he does? He scratches his head further when you once again turn down his offer to go out with him, after all he is "the fart machine of the century".
Oh guys save your random gas expulsions til you at least have been dating for sometime and have become familiar with each other, not in the 'trying to impress' the girl stage, the smell just kills us and if we wanted to hear all those orchestral sounds we would rather listen to a rock and roll CD. Oooo what a turn-off a butt bellow can be!
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