Healing From Abandonment: The Firecracker Woman

The Girl With the Big Heart

There was a girl who was very sweet and kind. She laughted a lot, liked to lend a hand to others, & trusted those she became close to. She also wore her feelings on her shoulder. Although she was all these positive things, she really didn't have any confidence in herself. On the outside she was funny & goofy, but on the inside, she felt inadequate & afraid. She never felt like she measured up to the other girls who always made her feel inferior. Even though she had a big heart & was always a better friend to others than they were to her, she always felt like she wasn't good enough.

The Girl Grows Up

A lot of demoralizing things happened to the girl while she was growing up. But she remained steadfast & true to others whom she thought were friends, until they eventually turned against her or disappeared from her life with no explanation. She wondered what was wrong with her to make the people she liked reject her.

So she began acting out in negative ways to express her hurt, anger, disappointment, confusion, and sadness. By the time she was a grown woman, she'd done just about everything a girl could do to make herself feel & look like trash. She often thought, "I'm made to feel like trash so I'll act like it....."

The Long Fuse

Once she was near adulthood, the girl met many false Prince's in shining armour who made lots of promises, but never came through with any of them. Still keeping a trusting heart, she believed many things that each potential "prince" told her. But it seemed she always ended up alone again, decieved, manipulated, & used. She continued the pattern of feeling unworthy & inadequate.

Many years passed as the girl grew into a mature woman. She'd had many relationships with different "prince's", mostly bad, but she eventually found one she thought was going to love her the way she longed to be loved. She had children of her own & was married, but she was still unhappy & unsure of herself. And, as usual, she was trusting & giving to her mate.

The girl who turned into a woman was burning a very long fuse. She'd had so many disappointments & let-down's that she was getting really defiant & angry inside. It filled her like gunpowder in a firecracker. The fuse was burning closer & closer to the gunpowder, yet it remained wrapped tightly inside her. She held it in for a long time. She knew she was getting ready to pop, loudly, yet there wasn't anything she cared to do about it. She was really tired of being treated like she was nothing.

The Firecracker Fuse Burns Closer

The woman became very fragile, clinging to every word of hope sent her way. Her marriage ended & broken relationships followed, all ending the same way. Each "prince" would tell her how wonderful she was, how much they cared for her, while she kept her wall intact. When she finally let her wall down to accept & receive what the 'prince' said they wanted to give, they were gone, with no explanation. The woman was very hurt. The sadness grew & grew until it overwhelmed her. Yet she never let the gunpowder within her fully ignite & explode. She knew it was coming, but kept it locked back. Years passed.....she finally began to come out of her shell & accept each "prince" for what they really were: just manipulators.

She recovered & went on with her life, letting the fuse slowly ignite in sections, occasionlly allowing the firecracker within to experience small 'pops'. Her fuse was burning on & off now, but the firecracker within her had not fully exploded. She found love, companionship, difficulty, commitment; then disappointment & disillusionment. Her firecracker fuse went out again, until suddenly, another false prince arrived baring an imitated sense of satisfaction.

The Firecracker Woman Blows

This prince was different. He understood her completely, knew exactly what she'd been through, knew exactly what to say, & offered undying support for her. He took her to a place she'd never been before, he'd been there many times, though the woman didn't know it. She felt a flicker of a spark ignite the fuse....at the same time, a flash of red lights saying 'STOP', yet she ignored it. The fuse was lit, it ignited & began a slow, steady burn toward the old gunpowder. Oddly enough, the false prince called her 'a firecracker', recognizing her spark for reaction & quit wit, as well as buried anger. He played with the fuse, giving it oxygen at intervals to keep it burning, then retreating with just enough air to keep it lit, yet not enough to make it complete the journey to the end of the fuse. He gave her fuse just enough to sustain the journey, but never enough to complete it. She stayed on an emotional roller coaster of extreme highs, then suddenly bottoming out with doubt & the same insecurity that had always plagued her. Then, finally, the fuse burned quick & fast, sparking, fueled by sudden realization & another sense of loss.  Because, like all the others, he was gone. 

And then the firecracker popped.

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janeheller.mlblogs.com

The Healing Blow

The fuse lit up, burning fast & furiously, fueled by a surge of Anger Oxygen to lead it to it's final destination. It ended at the firecracker......the old gunpowder within caught, ignited, & blew in a flash! It exploded outward in memories of pain, sadness, anger, fear, hurt, tears, shame, guilt, humilitation, & relief. She was enraged! She fought with herself, beat herself up, & blamed herself......but then, something happened. She directed her rage, not inward like before (with hurt, sadness, & depression), but outward at last.... toward the inflictor of the pain. The woman was stunned. She felt weak & empty, yet fulfilled. Though she knew her longing might have eventually led to more disappointment, she felt the stinging blow; the same loss of air she'd experienced so many times before. Then her eyes opened wide. She saw the Prince standing there, with the past prince's behind him. She was standing outside the ring, they were inside. She looked at him & saw nothing in him.... no emotion, no care, no compassion for her. And she accepted it, she held it close, she felt it for what it was. And she let it go, along with each prince before. She turned & walked away without looking back.

The Firecracker Woman at Peace

The woman was now filled with fresh, new gunpowder, tightly packed within the firecracker inside her. It smelled new, clean. Her fuse was new also. Clean & ready to be lit. Only this time there was a difference. There was no old gunpowder residue left. It was burned up & gone forever. She smiled to herself with the realization that she held the oxygen tank for the fire now, not some false Prince wearing a charming smile. She knew that when the new firecracker was lit & fueled by the oxygen, it would be controlled by herself. And when it blows, the pop will be a resounding, loud bang, with no permanent damage. No more bad fuses or old gunpowder for her, just a fresh, wholesome newness from within.

After all, once a Firecracker Woman, always a firecracker woman! The blow is different now.

Journey From Abandonment To Healing

More by this Author


Comments 50 comments

Putz Ballard profile image

Putz Ballard 6 years ago

Wonderful! A great piece of writing.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Thanks again Putz!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

This is a masterpiece of writing and thank you for a wonderful read.


Veronica Allen profile image

Veronica Allen 6 years ago from Georgia

I love this donotfear - I think most of us can truly relate to this at one time or another in our lives.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Hello: Thanks friend! I don't know about a 'masterpeice' but it sure can shake a few tails if you know what I mean!

Veronica: I'll bet everyone can relate to some part of this. Thanks.


Art 4 Life profile image

Art 4 Life 6 years ago from in the middle of nowhere....

Dear Friend, this is a wonderful hub, that so many of us can relate to...great writing. Again, you have showed your talent for writing...you really should do a book!

hugs to you

Jan


RecoverToday profile image

RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States

I must say that this article is an excellent perspective on the emotions within a female who experiences multiple losses. I rate it way up.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 6 years ago

Terrific and powerful piece of writing.


sheila b. profile image

sheila b. 6 years ago

This was a good piece of writing but hard to read because it hits close to home.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Art: Thanks...this was one of those spontaneous writings that hits all of a sudden & without warning. Alot like the snakes that motivated it.

Recover: I'm surprised myself at how this one came across. It has many hidden meanings even I wasn't aware of at the time.

Breadfastpop: I'm glad you liked this one.

sheila b: I suppose it would be hard to read for some who may still hurt. I hope it wasn't hard to read because I made it too difficult, but it just came out of nowhere. Thank you for your comment.


gusripper profile image

gusripper 6 years ago

Are you the Fire kracker woman?


Seakay profile image

Seakay 6 years ago from Florida

Nice work! Made me remember "lost loves"!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

gusripper: Who me? - the firecrcker woman? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not............thanks for the read! It covers many experiences all crushed together.

Seakay: Great. Hope it was good memories!


heart4theword profile image

heart4theword 6 years ago from hub

Different, I can see what your saying about the false princes! There are more men, dressed as wolves in sheeps clothing, than many of us know. Revealing Hub! Great job:)


AEvans profile image

AEvans 6 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

Magnificent writing! I could not stop reading your hub the beginning sounded like my life when I was young and when people do push me way over the edge I do blow! I have found my Peace within your words are fantastic! Great read , thumbs up! :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State

This is wonderful- during parts of the read, I felt as though I was reading about myself, and although I haven't blown up- I some days feel that bomb within my gut, building pressure. Thanks for the experience. Rated Up and Awesome!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Heart4theWord: Thank you for your read. Sheeps clothing can be removed though we must first remove the fuzziness from our own eyes.

AEvans: I'm so glad this touched something in you. It certainly seems to fit a lot of personal situations. Many can relate to this & hopefully they will know they aren't alone.

HC Porter: Thank you very much. I hope when your bomb explodes that it will be muffled and with no residual effects.


cheaptrick profile image

cheaptrick 6 years ago from the bridge of sighs

DNF.This is your best yet!Following the stages of this woman's life and the emotional damage she endured then coming to a resolution as it did caused a stir in my mind that brought back some memories.

Thanks

Dean


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Cheaptrick: Glad you enjoyed the read. It's much appreciated. As far as emotional damage goes, I think in all situations where we have unhealthy attachments, it's important to practice feeling it for what it is, holding it close, seeing it, be with it, then slowly release it. It's not magic but if one can learn to visualize it, it could aid in letting go of the hurt. But it's hard. Thanks!


Coolmon2009 profile image

Coolmon2009 6 years ago from Texas, USA

I enjoyed your article, thank you for sharing.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Coolmon: Thank you for reading.


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

donotfear, well done! An encompassing line, I may be a firecracker man, or maybe not LOL. Seems folks from both sides the isle know how this game is played. I thank God for the animals that teach unconditional love, no matter the circumstances they are always glad to see me. Peace, 50


susanlang profile image

susanlang 6 years ago

A gifted writer who releases her deepest thoughts so the healing can begin. Thank you for sharing Annette... many hugs to you and hope you have some fun plans for the holiday weekend coming up :) Love ya like a sister.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

50 Caliber: Glad you enjoyed the pop! It's a game, all right!

susanlang: Go girl, thank you. You know the deal, inside & out!


embee77 profile image

embee77 6 years ago

This piece is full of heartfelt human emotion. The metaphor so clearly describes the ebb and flow of your pain. It is very powerful and moving. We certainly have a lot in common. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm happy that you have emerged strong and full of the deep insight you so obviously have earned - the hard way.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

embee77: I thank you for such a deeply moving comment. It does seem that most of life's hard knocks come from personal experience or watching the experience of others.


deepthinker76 profile image

deepthinker76 6 years ago from South Carolina

Wow, this sounds like a wonderful story! I wonder though...what would the firecracker woman have done if that old gun powder got wet adn she was STUCK IN HER DISAPPOINTMENTS?


youcanwin profile image

youcanwin 6 years ago

Very interesting. I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

deepthinker: I think it probably did happen a time or two. Thing is, it gets moldy. At lease it blew out finally....instead of plugging up the exit.

youcanwin: thanks.


Lita C. Malicdem profile image

Lita C. Malicdem 6 years ago from Philippines

A very good article for girls who would grow into women. It has all there is to tell these girls in their innocent years to act good or else. . . Very useful hub!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Lita: Thank you. I would hope this article would act as a guiding light for someone.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, As I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, yes yes i know exactly what you mean! for years I was like that, until the bomb went off! ha ha and now I tend to be too much the other way. thanks for this it was really great reading. nell


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

NellRose: Sometimes it takes a bomb going off to shake us to our senses that we must allow ourselves to 'spit it out' and stop 'taking it'.


Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan

Great writing girl! The firecracker held inside does create depression and anxiety .. The firecracker pointed at another can cause GREAT damage. As a mental health worker I am sure you have helped others manage the firecracker inside huh? It's an art for sure. Takes FAITH and COURAGE to work it out in a constructive way.

Blessings!

Mekenzie


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Mekenzie: Thanks! Holding it in can be damaging. Letting it out in a constructive way is much better.


barbi 6 years ago

donotfear: i am a 34yr old firecracker-waitress-single mom living in a po-dunk apt in a po-dunk town in kansas. today i have begun my quest(again) to live life to my fullest potential and conquer my dreams and goals. during a recent conversation(lecture) w/my 12yr-old son about taking charge of one's own future(following your dreams, reach for the sky, stay in school, do not settle, don't procrastinate, focus, laziness leads to nothing, etc..)i found myself choking on the irony of it all, resulting in an electric shock-like apiffany.

Anyway, long story- short, i found myself reading your writings this morning after i was just "googlin'" around.

thank you for the stepping stones you have given me today...what an amazing writer you are!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

barbi: I'm so happy to have inspired you with my unusual brainstorm. Just keep on pushing ahead, don't look back, & watch out for 2 legged snakes wearing dashing smiles!


crayonbrains profile image

crayonbrains 6 years ago from The World Is Mine !

I love it ! Definitely most of us could relate to your hub..I did and my eyes were cloudy! Thanks for writing and sharing it with all of us :)God bless!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

crayonbrains: Thank you for your input. I know we are not alone.


Buck Steiner profile image

Buck Steiner 6 years ago from Steiner Ranch

Well written and thought inspiring, you are the best!


donotfear profile image

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Buck: Thanks, dude.


ijustgothere 5 years ago

This firecracker, girl, woman, victim, sinner, and survivor is me. I am in tears because I see such an uglier picture of the world, even uglier than I thought. You are brilliant and this woman (the firecracker), god love her, learned a valuable lesson, however, you captured the nature of the beast and put it into words to help all those that could possibly be reached. Nothing yet has helped me come close to understanding what might be a place to begin to lift my foot to step towards the path of clarity. Honestlty, I now feel a great need to be alone to even take this all in now. God Bless YOU.


donotfear profile image

donotfear 5 years ago from The Boondocks Author

ijustgothere: Thank you very much. I pray that you will be well and glad you recognized how I captured the nature of the beast. You are very insightful to notice this. God bless you too!


Debbie Dallas 4 years ago

Sounds very familiar ! Well awesome hub! My most favorite hub EVER! I love the lesson I Learned as well!

Thanks!


Debbie Dallas 4 years ago

Btw I am a TRUE FIRECRACKER! Born 7-4-76, bicentennial baby! This matcHe's my life/past perfectly;)


donotfear profile image

donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Debbie Dallas:

glad to know you approve!! Thanks!


LILITH 4 years ago

Yep..;) To all of you beautiful loving and fierce Women and Men kudos and big hug:)

All my life I was king,generous,loving,honourable and honest person. And,yes,I still am...Iam also very attractive,warm,sweet woman,educated,efficient worker and Mother of a great,wise teenage girl. As long as I remember my life was full of people trying to either use me,challenge me,fool me or get me to have sex with them. Iam patient and aware of human nature,Iam sensible NOT naïve. And I seek no harm or hurt of others.I dont cheat,I dont manipulate,I dont play games. That's some of those others that do not get it...

I reached my braking point when I married my second husband.This "sweet,gentle,honest" man turned out to be total jerk,scam and conman,who had an idea of making a nice sucker out of me.

When once again someone I worked for took my generous ,responsible ,not-greedy nature for a naïve,bling foolishness.

I had it..

I cracked and fired with a force that blew all smartass people in a rage of ten miles away from me,my daughter,my home and even my dog.:D

I talk the talk and walk the walk.

And I take no crap and no prisoners.

I love and respect honest people. But no one ever again will come into my life to poop all over everything I am,I achived and earned. Take it!

My heart and support to those who struggle with cruelty and indifference of others. Good luck:)


donotfear profile image

donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks Author

LILITH: I absolutely love your response here. It's a work of art; emotional, true and straightforward. Congratulations, my friend! You've taken your pain and redirected it into helping others with your words!!


LILITH 4 years ago

Donotfear: thank you soo much for your kind words,I feel honored. Great hub BTW-wise,deep and true. And so needed..

To all who are hurten by cruel and coldhearted people. Please,be proud of who you are. Wear your humanity,your ability to feel to love to care to give to be true like a badge... with honour. That's what makes you human. That is your stenght not your weakness. You are beautiful. Inside and out. Do not cry over those who hurt and use another human being without remorse,without shame or morals. They are not worth it. They are not worth YOU. Your love,time,sincerity,kindness. Put up your fence,hang up your warning sings and dont trow your pearls among the pigs.Go ahead to live your life free and true to yourself.And please ,please do not change. There is nothing wrong with you! Keep your goods for those who deserve them. Those who dont keep where they belong. Curbs;)

You have a heart that feels,shield it wisely. Its a beautiful heart. Its a valuable heart. Treasure it.

I know,life can be hard.

But someone has to define who you are. Who is it going to be?

You or those who mean you no good?

My heart goes to you.

And here comes the hug!:)


donotfear profile image

donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks Author

Thank you LIllith, I wish you would write for Hubpages. You are a true inspiration!!

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