The Lily Pad Technique

By Wes J. Pimentel

Rather than being a politically charged essay, a piece of observational humor or a real-life anecdote, the following is a public service announcement. This is an explanation of the way women move from relationship to relationship. I’m writing this for all those wayward souls who like to deal with women on a monogamous basis.

I call the method by which women navigate relationships “The Lily Pad Technique.” If you’ve ever seen a frog hopping from one lily pad to the next, then you know why I’ve named it thusly. The thing about using lily pads to move about is that there are always a couple around besides the one you’re on. Such is the situation when you choose to engage in monogamous relationships with women.

If you don’t know already, every woman has three men in her life, at least, especially if she is a serial monogamist. These men are her current lover (or the lily pad the frog is on now – you), her most recent ex-boyfriend, and the boyfriend she will have after you.

I’ve heard a lot of men say things to the effect of, “Damn, what a whore. We just broke up and she’s already out with another guy.” Quit trying to fool yourself, buddy. You know damn well it takes a while for a woman to build up trust. She’s been cultivating that relationship for months. It may be their first official date, but they’ve been swapping stories and pleasantries for a while. Basically, she just hopped.

So, now you’re the lily pad she was most recently aboard, and recalling what I said about each girl having three men in her life, you’re wondering how this little froggy prioritizes her pads, right? Well, it’s not cut and dry by any means. There’s a sort of fluid trump order that comes into play. If you think about how much more loyal women are than men, I’m sure it’ll be easier to understand.

Okay, you’re in a wonderful relationship. You’re both happy and the sex is great. This makes you the #1 guy. At this point, her most recent ex-boyfriend is her second (#2) relationship priority. I hate to break it to you, but yes, she does still have contact with him. It’s the loyalty thing. Remember this guy was in your shoes once. Women don’t let go too easily. What about the next pad, right? Right. He’s #3, for the moment. She probably just met him, doesn’t know much about him, she may have nonchalantly dropped his name, and she probably thinks he’s cute and nice. As far as taking up most of her focus, this is about as much as you can ask for.

At some point, her ex-boyfriend will become less and less a prominent part of her life. It sounds good, right? Not so fast. This process will almost always coincide with her getting better acquainted with Mr. #3. This is the part of the relationship where “some guy” from work or school or the gym starts coming up more frequently. This is the fluidity I was talking about before. Mr. #3 has now been promoted to #2. She is now more interested in getting to know the next lily pad than she is in helping her ex-boyfriend deal with losing her. Don’t worry; you’re still #1, for now.

In fact, you will stay #1 through the earliest stages of her next relationship. Don’t believe me? You can prove me right with a little stalking. Next time you break up with a girl, find out where one of her first dates with the next guy is going to be and show up there. Walk up and ask to speak to her for a minute. Even though the new guy will be furious, she won’t refuse you. She knows she can smooth it over with him later. Vaginas can be very persuasive. Anyway, until she truly commits to the next guy, you’re still #1, so take advantage. There might even still be sex privileges to be had. You’ll know when you start fading to the #2 slot. It will involve less returned calls, colder treatment from her and more frequent use of her new boyfriend’s first name like, “…but Matt doesn’t like me to be gone that long.” Sound familiar?

So, how do you keep a chick forever? Easy. Hire a hit-man. Every time she mentions a funny guy at work, a smart guy at school, or a helpful guy at the gym, have him killed. Without a lily pad close by, that frog won’t jump. Short of that, there’s not much you can do. Even if she stays with you for life, lily pads are going to drift close throughout your entire relationship. That’s just the way it goes. You just have to strive to be an incredibly comfortable lily pad. How? Well, does riding a jealous, angry, controlling lily pad your whole life sound fun? There you go.