The Mind-Blowing Sex You Could Be Having (But Aren't)
(a.k.a. Excuses for Being a Coward. a.k.a. Convincing People to Get Themselves Laid More Often.)
(Again, this is me busting my own chops, and those of people like me, like in a similar hub. Don't take it to heart too much, though feel free to comment: "LIKE OMG YOU DON'T KNOW ME, thehands, MY SEX LIFE IS GREAT.")
If you're anything like me, then you know that you could be having mind-blowing relations of the carnal variety with the exact type of person that attracts you, in the exact types of ways that fill you with excitement, with no ounce of any of the depressing down-sides you may have faced in the past.
In fact, you are faced so squarely with exactly what you want, that you're a little scared of happiness, maybe--something that only signals there's room for growth there and you should definitely go for it.
Except there's only one problem. Actually, there are a few problems. See, you could be getting it on right now at this very moment, but...
You need to lose/gain a few pounds of fat/muscle
Or you need to do a bit more work on that thigh master. Or you need to tighten your buns. Or you need to invest in one of those ab-flattening machines. Or you need to learn to eat more so you're not such a scrawny-ass. Or you need to learn to walk less like a duck first, because that's unattractive. Or you need to have surgery first, to remove that unsightly birth mark on your left buttcheek or to get rid of your cellulite if you have any. Or you need a new face, a new name, and a new identity.
But once all that stuff's squared away, you are SO ready. Should only take what, one, two hundred years tops?
You don't know how to proposition people outright without seeming like a sleaze
So instead, you'll just wait it out and dance around them like you have in the past with other people, and let them dance right back, even when it's obvious they would like to get in your pants, too.
Because being subtle works so well. Because it's not like it has taken you forever and a half to get anything going that way before.
But, nevermind, you don't want to seem like a sleaze. Right. Right. Because your prospect is immature and puritanical; that's why you like him/her in the first place.
Jesus (or some other deity) would hate you for it
You would be all over that girl/guy, except that you'd go to hell because you would be doing it outside of wedlock or in an "unnatural," non-baby-making way or with someone of the same sex or with your dead brother's former wife, etc, etc, times infinity to the maximum.
It's obvious that Jesus cared about these things because he talked about them all the time.
Your friends will make fun of you; your family will hate you.
You'd be so into this if it wasn't for the fact that you see your friends and family in the back of your mind looking down on you for wanting to sleep with someone of a different race / someone from a different culture / someone who shops at K-Mart / someone who was born male, but is a woman / someone with a nose ring / someone who was nerdy in high school / etc.
Or worse, what if they find out that you don't do it "normal" like they do, in the dark with the woman on the bottom? How could you ever recover from the embarrassment?
You need to shampoo your hair
Sorry, but you can't see him/her tonight because you need to shampoo your hair. Even if it's not long or it's buzz-cut. Even if you have no hair.
What, he/she/they lost interest because you were being wishy-washy and not making a move and making excuses about how you have to shampoo your hair? Well, that's just such a shame. Maybe if they hadn't, you could have faced your fears. Next time you will, though.
Oh, what's that, a gray hair?
Oh, what's that over there? A tombstone with your name on it?
Yeah, life is short.
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