The Only Addiction I've Ever Had Was a Boy

 I remember the first time I officially met Mike. Which is weird, since most everything else that night is a drunken blur. But when he walked up to me and introduced himself, that part is totally clear in my mind. It was during a party, one of my first at college. I had stepped outside to get some air and he came up to me. I remember thinking he was attractive. I asked him what was in the punch and he told me fruit punch and grain alcohol. He smiled at me, amused with how drunk I was and that was it. It wasn’t a significant meeting at the time, but it was definitely the start of something intense and messy and confusing and surprisingly emotional and looking back there’s really one word to describe what it was perfectly: addiction.

I spent a lot of time hanging out with the same two girls and three guys(Mike included) at his apartment. We were all partying several times a week. All of us flirted shamelessly with each other, and it was clear there was a slight competition between Mike and another boy Chris. We spent more time with Chris. So he usually got more attention and Mike was obviously jealous. One night, a boy spilled some beer all over the front of me. This year was the height of my crazy party girl, no morals phase. So I went into the bathroom where a bunch of people were just hanging out talking and asked Mike to take care of it. He began licking the beer off. Physical connection had been made.

I guess it is my fault this whole thing got started. Towards the end of September, I got a call that there was a small party, so I got myself party ready and headed over. About halfway through the evening Mike and I were alone in the bathroom. I was sitting on the counter drinking and he was leaning against the opposite wall smoking. I don’t remember if we were talking or not, but we ended up kissing. It was a good kiss. Like, really good. It was incredibly passionate and sweet. I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed better than that. When we stopped kissing he told me he loved me. I thought that was a ridiculous thing to say. I just figured he was lying cause he was drunk. I laughed at him and told him he did not love me. He looked hurt and insisted that he did love me and that I was amazing and beautiful, etc. We made out a bit more and he kept saying that he was in love with me and wanted to be with me and finally I told him that he couldn’t love me because he barely knew me. So he said “fine. Let’s get to know each other”. We went into the living room where everyone else was, sat down, and started asking questions like how old are you, when’s your birthday, what activities did you do in high school, etc. It was pretty silly. He got up to go to the bathroom and about a minute later I got up to do the same but I was intercepted by an alumni friend ofMike's. He pulled me outside to tell me to stop being a whore. I told him to f@#$ himself and we both went back inside. I went into the bathroom and sat on the counter to wait for Mike. He was on his way to me when his obnoxious friend got in his way and made him go to bed. He looked longingly at me before going into his room and shutting the door.

A few days later, we had another small party and Mike was clearly battling with himself over being near me. We’d be hanging out in the bathroom and the other people would leave and he’d take a step toward me and then flee the room. Throughout the night we’d make eye contact but he’d walk away. Later on we were back in the bathroom, me, on the counter and him, against the wall smoking. I asked him questions about his girlfriend and he would answer. I could tell he was putting effort into staying against the wall. Seeing how I had very little morals at the time, I told him to come over and give me a hug. I knew that if he got that close, he wouldn't be able to walk away. He paused for a moment and then slowly walked over and hugged me. Instead of letting go though, we lingered. He put his hand on the towel rack next to me to kind of brace himself. We were very slowly leaning in to kiss but we were trying so hard not to. It was this crazy magnetic pull. I’ve never felt anything like that before. When we were millimeters away from kissing I heard this noise next to my head. We both looked, and were surprised to see that he had ripped the towel rack off the wall. This thing between us was so intense and he was so trying not to kiss me that he did that. We both looked at it and started to laugh. He tossed it on the counter next to me and walked out. He came back a moment later with Chris. He pointed to the rack and went into his room to go to bed. Chris then spent the rest of the night trying to convince me to back off of Mike (and pay more attention to him).

As far as most people knew, that was the end of us. Unfortunately, that was barely the beginning. The rest of that first semester is kind of a blur of parties and classes and making out with pretty much everyone. Sometimes he would give in and make out with me and sometimes he totally blew me off. We never really talked. We barely saw each other except during parties. I’d try to get him alone in the bathroom and if I did, we’d be all over each other. It was always just as intense and passionate as the first time. Other times, he’d purposely be all over other girls right in front of me just to hurt me. I guess part of him thought if he hurt me enough I’d give up on him, and I probably should have, but I just couldn’t. During one party I kept asking him if we could go make out and he kept saying later. I’m not a patient person by any means. So finally I sat down next to him on the couch and said “are we gonna make out or what?” “later.” he said. So I told him that I couldn't wait any more because I was going to go home with Chris. He turned to me, pissed off and said “oh so I’m just something for the meantime?” “you have a girlfriend!” I yelled at him. He got up and went to his room and slammed the door. I finished my drink and went home with Chris. I didn't understand how Mike had the gaul to expect me to be only with him when he had a serious girlfriend out there. I guess it was different since Chris was right there and Mike was friends with him. I never really met Melanie. That was her name. I had seen pictures of her and she visited Mike every now and then but he made sure we never went near each other.

When we went home for winter break I figured that would be the end of it, since he’d be spending 4 weeks with her. I thought he’d come back totally in love with her and stay away from me. Apparently, I was completely wrong. He had missed me terribly, he told me. The making out became something that happened at every party and it progressed another base or so. We also upgraded from the bathroom to the bedroom. At some point during the party I would wander into his room (no one was really allowed in there most of the time) and lay down on his bed. I’d pretend to sleep so that he’d have to wake me. I loved the way he would wake me. It was one of the few times I could catch him being sweet and gentle. He’d softly brush the hair off my face, trace my collar bone with his fingertip, kiss my neck, etc. When I’d finally open my eyes, I’d smile at him, and he’d kiss me. Then things would move pretty quickly. He was an aggressive person and I found it incredibly attractive. Sometimes the party was still going on in which case, I’d go back to the living room and a few minutes later he would as well and we’d keep drinking and hanging out with our friends. I never slept over. I don’t really know why.

We still hurt each other. Not nearly as often but still. Whenever assface friend would visit for a party, Mike would treat me like shit. It wasn’t just that he wouldn’t hook up with me, but he’d ignore me, physically push me aside, anything to make Assface think he was done with me. It was pretty obnoxious and hurtful. I hurt him too, sometimes. At the end of some parties I’d cuddle with Chris and we’d hold hands or kiss and I swear I could feel Mike’s eyes on me. I’d feel it and I’d look and he’d be standing across the room just staring sadly at me. I’d hold his gaze for a moment and then he’d usually go to his room and shut the door either to get stoned or sleep. No matter how much we hurt each other, I still knew that he cared about me. There was one party I remember, when I drank way too much and passed out on the couch. Every now and then I’d open my eyes for a second and then go back to sleep. Whenever I opened my eyes he was sitting next to me watching me to make sure I was ok. It was comforting to know he was there.

There was one night, when he and I were in his apartment with a close female friend of mine. She had a lot of emotional issues and one thing she had a habit of doing was going after boys who were with other girls, particularly her friends. That night she went after Mike hot and heavy. I, knew he wasn’t attracted to her (I had asked him before), amusedly watched her try so hard to get him to want her. She and I were very close and she knew everything that was going on between me and him and I guess she was jealous. Anyway, we were all on his bed. She got on top of him and was massaging him and I just sat there reading a magazine, trying not to laugh. He said something about how it was my turn to massage him and I told him that she looked like she was doing a fine job. I guess he and I just enjoyed toying with each other. It was easier than admitting actual feelings. Eventually she got off of him and they laid down to snuggle. He took the magazine away from me and pulled me down next to him. The 3 of us were snuggling and I feel his hand under my shirt going up and down my back. I remember thinking that he must be crazy for starting something with her there. I tried to resist but his hand went up my back and through my hair and finally to the base of my head and I felt his head start to lower towards mine. Like I said before, magnetic pull. I turned my face up and we started kissing. My friend of course was appalled and rushed out of the apartment.

After that we were a bit closer because I knew that he wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend with anyone else. It was about me. He wanted me specifically. I started spending a little more time with him. I’d visit him while he was working in the studio. I’d keep him company all night sometimes. We didn’t even make out, we just talked. And during every party we’d make sure to have alone time together. When he’d be on the phone with his girlfriend, I’d be a smart ass and tell him to say hello for me. He’d glare at me amused and walk away.

When the semester wound down, we never even really got to say goodbye. I remember at the last party, I was on my way out and I saw him sitting across the room with his girlfriend. He saw me and we just held each other’s gaze for a moment, then I left. We didn’t talk all summer. I had no idea what he was up to. I ended up getting into a fairly serious relationship with this guy named Joey. So when I went back to college in September, things were different.

My sophmore year of college, Mike still lived in the party apartment, but so did Chris. It was a duplex, for the greater party good. We spent a lot of days playing poker and hanging out. It was a little awkward seeing him again, after 3 months. The first big party rolled around and we flirted. He tried to get me to kiss him and I told him I had a boyfriend now and I wasn’t going to cheat on him. He was hurt and pissed since he had cheated on his girlfriend for a year with me but I wouldn’t do the same for him. He walked away and I didn’t see him for a while. I finally found him downstairs sitting alone in the dark. I went in and stood behind him and started gently running my fingers through his hair. He always liked when I did that. He asked me questions about Joey, similar to when I first asked him questions about Melanie. When I told him I wasn’t a virgin anymore he moaned like the news hurt him. Chris’s sister was visiting and she and Mike had always had a flirtation. She wanted to make out with him. He asked me if I really wasn’t going to be with him anymore. When I said no they went to his bedroom together.

You’d think that would have been the end of it for us. That's what I had thought. Unfortunately, he wasn’t about to give up on me that easily. He was the little devil on my shoulder for the rest of the year. At every party, he would find me and touch me and kiss my neck and shoulders and face. Everywhere except my lips. He’d be on his way there and I’d turn away at the last moment. And that literally took all my strength. We began talking online, which didn’t help. We also had a class together. I was seeing him all the time and getting to really know him and none of that was helping me not want to be with him. We actually became friends. Friends with more sexual tension than anyone had ever felt before. We’d hold hands and sit on each other’s laps and massage each other. I wanted to be good, for Joey, but Mike had some sort of hold on me and I couldn’t stay away from him.

The worse part was that Joey knew some of my history with Mike. When he would join me at parties, he ended up hiding out in one of the other rooms because he couldn’t stand to see the chemistry between us. I had always felt it, but I didn’t know it was obvious to other people especially when Joey was around. I always tried to keep things totally platonic looking. I asked some friends about it and they said that the connection between Mike and me was so strong, they could not only see it but feel it. They said it was like electricity when our eyes met. You could feel the longing and sexual tension between us. Mike would even hit on me sometimes when Joey was there. It was terrible. He’d try to kiss me in the bathroom and I’d push him away. He’d get upset and go get stoned. It seems, our addiction to each other wasn’t enough, but me keeping my distance added to his other addictions.

At some point in the winter, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted him so badly. But I was in love with Joey. I mean, Joey and I were talking about getting married. So I told Joey that I had feelings for Mike and I didn’t know what to do. It was a big dramatic thing, and Joey ended up picking me up and I spent the weekend at his house. We talked it all out and decided to stay together. When I got back to college, I was talking to Mike online and I told him what had happened. This was the first time we had really talked about our feelings. He never came right out and said it but he made reference to feeling the same way about me. He begged me to go to his apartment to talk to him about it. I didn’t. I knew if I did it would be the end of my relaitonship with Joey. Cause at that moment, talking about our feelings for each other, if we had been alone together, we would have had sex. I think at one point he even walked halfway to my room and turned around and went back to his apartment. We were both at such war with ourselves. Shortly after that he unfriended me on face book. He said it was his girlfriends’ doing. I don't know for sure but I think he told her about me in hopes that I would be with him for real and when I decided to stay with Joey he worked things out with her.

About a month later, I found out that he and that friend of mine from before had been having sex for months. I remembered specific nights where he’d really be trying to get with me and then I’d leave and she’d be “passed out” somewhere else in the apartment. So he’d have sex with her, thinking about me. It wasn’t enough for her to go after a boy I clearly had feelings for, but she had to do it the way I used to. I was really really pissed. I had suspected it a long time ago and asked him and he said nothing was going on. He always made comments about how she ‘s dirty and stupid and he was repulsed by her. When I found out, I instant messaged him. “can I ask you a question?” I said. “of course, angel, anything” he replied. “why do you always act like you’re disgusted with her? I mean she’s good enough to f#$% so she can’t be that bad right?” ……I didn’t hear from him again for like a week. I’m almost certain at the moment he read that , he went inside and got stoned out of his mind. That’s what he did whenever I stressed him out. He would get stoned, chain smoke, or hook up with another girl, thinking of me the whole time.

Even though we had our issues, he always cared about me. In class, after a presentation, he squeezed my hand in encouragement. One night I was hanging out while the party was winding down. I was sleepy so I laid down a bit and this random sketchy guy started talking to me. Asking questions like where I lived and if he can walk me home. Mike came over and sat with me. I sat up and draped myself over him and he held my hand and kissed my jawbone in an effort to make it appear that we were together so the guy would go away. He whispered in my ear that he’d make sure the guy stayed away from me. He stayed near me til the guy gave up on me and left. It was very sweet how he was protective of me. I never would have guessed the year before that he actually cared about me. I thought I was just some dumb freshman who fell for his manipulations, but in time I started to think that maybe he actually had fallen in love with me shortly after meeting me, as unbelievable as that was.

The year came to an end and he graduated. Once again we didn’t get to say goodbye. We continued to talk online regularly. It was disappointing to go back to school and not have him there. I had come to rely on him over the passed two years. In September Joey and I decided to see other people. Well, it was more my decision then his. Mike visited the college that fall and we were really awkward. I think it’s because we had so much buildup. He had been hounding me for over a year to be with him and now I finally could.

We never saw each other again. We continued to talk online for hours almost every day. We talked about everything. He’d ask for pictures of me so I’d take them and send them to him right then and there. He’d tell me how he regrets how things were with us in the beginning. If he could go back and live that year again, he’d never let me leave his bedroom. He’d say how he regrets that we never had sex. I’d ask him why he had sex with my friend and he said he never enjoyed it, he was sorry he lied to me and that all he had wanted was me. These conversations went on for about a year. I was the only person to encourage him to make himself happy. He was always worn out and unhappy with his job. I told him he was young enough and he should just do freelance and make himself happy. He said that I had a point and he’d never even thought about it before.

At the beginning of my senior year, I texted him “hey baby I miss you” during a party. I sent the same text to about 5 other people. It was totally innocent to me. Not everyone feels that way apparently. Melanie called me that night to tell me not to contact him anymore. I was too drunk to really respond. But after we hung up the phone I thought about it and got pissed. So I texted her and she and I argued back and forth for a little while. Finally I texted him saying that we were done. I don’t know what he was thinking, letting her call me. I removed him from my buddy list that night and haven’t spoken to him since. I still check his facebook every now and then. As it turns out he quit his job and has been doing freelance. It figures the one person who cares about me enough to take my advice and change their life is the one who would never commit to anyone. He and Melanie now live together and I dread the day I run into him. I’m sure when it happens I’ll be looking awful and he’ll be with her. I’m fairly certain she would recognize me and that won’t be a pretty picture. I wonder sometimes if I would’ve been the one girl who he would’ve actually been with. Like maybe he did actually love me when he said he did, and maybe he would have committed to me. I never really wanted him to though. I wouldn’t have ever been able to trust him. I knew him better than Melanie did and I wasn’t as easily manipulated. But I guess in the end, he chose her over me. Looking back. I don’t regret any of it. I just hope he makes an honest man out of himself. I’ve seen the real Mike and I always thought he had it in him to be a good guy, he just wasn’t comfortable enough yet.

It was an addiction. I’ve never been addicted to anything or anyone other than him in my life. We couldn’t get enough of each other even though we knew that we would only cause trouble for each other. We hated each other and we loved each other. No matter how bad I knew he was, I needed to feel him touching me. And it physically hurt me to not kiss him when he was nearby. It was a painful, intense, amazing, pleasurable, loving, hateful, depressing, comforting, sick and twisted…….it was something I longed for and longed to get away from at the same time. He completely consumed me for 3 years and although I hated when Melanie called me, she actually saved me. That situation was the thing that finally got me to let him go and I’ve never looked back.

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