The Other Woman in an Affair

The Other Woman


It doesn’t matter who she is, how successful she is, how pretty she is or how much it may seem on the outside that she has it "going on”, on the inside she is broken. Somewhere along the line she has convinced herself that she is only good enough to be someone’s second best. Now grant it, some women truly have no idea that the man they are involved with is married or in a committed relationship, but if she finds out and she allows the affair to continue for another second, she is indeed broken and that's really sad- in a pathetic kind of way. Please ladies, don't ever let the other woman intimidate you, make you feel small or inadequate, the very fact that she is "the other woman" makes her the disadvantaged one and I will tell you why:

1. Men Don't Leave Their Wives - True, the occasional man may walk away from his family for his affair partner, but the odds are definitely stacked against you that this will actually happen. If he does leave, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you didn't get much of a prize. You managed to steal away a lying, cheating, disrespectful man. Wow, what a victory! He may be with you now, but he won't be staying long. However; the man I'm referring to in this section is the excuse maker, sure he may make promises of leaving his wife, and it’s always "soon" isn't it? There is always one more hurdle to jump, one more excuse before his grand departure: once the kids are out of school, once his ill wife recovers, and my favorite - "I can't leave because she wont let me see the kids." Fact, if a man truly loves you he will move heaven and earth to be with you. But hey, if you don't mind his excuses and having your intelligence constantly mocked, by all means sit around and wait. Maybe tomorrow he will leave... this leads to the next disadvantage:

2. Wasting Time - So, you've put all your eggs in one basket by waiting for prince charming to leave his castle and come set up home in yours. You've missed out on life waiting for his calls, you've missed out on chances for committed relationships with available men. Meanwhile, your knight in shining armor has been building his life with his wife, saving for retirement, creating warm fuzzy memories, taking trips and planning their long-term future. Make no mistake about it, in an economic downturn, you will be the first item scratched off his list. What do you have to show for being at his beck and call, being available at his convenience, for sitting home on friday nights, holidays and birthdays - NOTHING! He is having his cake and eating it, while all you get in return are the scraps.

3. Sharing - First and foremost he belongs to his wife and family and at the end of most days that's where he is going to end up, at home. You may have just spent a blissful evening with your lover cuddled up in bed, but eventually he will get up and go home. He's probably told you that he goes to the spare room or couch (because things are so bad at home) but this typically isn't the case. More than likely he has gone home and crawled into bed with his wife and told her how much he loves her. Being with you has probably made him even more affectionate to his wife because the guilt is eating him alive. So, while you lay there alone and feeling used, he is at home making amends.

4. Being Lied To - Please don't tell me that you buy into his bullshit and that you feel all “warm and fuzzy” inside because this wonderful man loves you so much. Certainly don't tell me you believe that any day now you will be with your lover full time. OMG, listen up, if he is deceiving his wife you can bet your life that he is lying to you as well. This man is not an honest, upstanding individual. He is living a double life, he is saying whatever he needs to both of you to be sure that he gets what he needs. He stood in front of this woman, family, friends and God and pronounced his eternal love and fidelity. If he's not upholding that, he certainly isn't being honest to you. This man looks in the face of his wife and children every single day and lies! What would make you think you are more special than them? He isn't showing anyone respect, including you.

5. You Are Replaceable - Chances are that you are not his first mistress and you can bet the farm that you will not be his last. Sure, you may be new and exciting and willingly to sneak around with this snake, but ask for more, demand more and see what happens - "Next!" He doesn't want complications; he wants fun on the side. He want’s someone who is willing to compromise herself and shut-up and put out. "Wait... "but he loves me, we have a special bond, this is different!." If in doubt at all, I ask you to try this little experiment - tell him you are going to tell his wife about your affair if he doesn't... go ahead, see what happens next. You are not the victim, his wife is and you will always come off as the bad one, the pursuer, and the fatal attraction when this affair is exposed.

6. Sneaking Around - At first sneaking around may be exciting and alluring. You're living on the edge, risking getting caught, having passionate little meetings with your lover. You're like two teenagers sneaking away from the watchful eyes of your parents. This gets old fast! What comes with it is never being able to share stories about your wonderful new man, always showing up to events and parties alone. Not being able to call your lover on a whim to share good news or to say you need him because you're sick, or your sink is leaking, whatever. You are left waiting on his call, which may or may not come. You are last on his list. He may often make plans to meet somewhere but something comes up and he can't call to cancel because he is with his wife, so there you wait- alone!

7. Jealousy - So, you know that you are sharing him; if you're smart you know that he is still sleeping with his wife or at least showing some type of affection to her. It will eat you up inside. While you sit alone, you know she is getting the best of him. She doesn't know he is having an affair, it's not eating her alive that another woman is being intimate with her man. Of course his wife will hug him and kiss him and tell him she loves him. How awful must that feel when you are sitting alone again on a Friday night knowing that he may very well be spending a romantic evening with his wife? It's not a nice feeling knowing someone else is touching the man you love, but if you don't mind doing it to her, maybe you don't mind it being done to you.

8. He Will Throw You Under The Bus - You've decided you had enough; you're going to make him choose - it’s her or me! So, you find some clever way to expose your affair or you're even gutsy enough to tell his wife directly. When it's all said and done and the dust has settled, I bet ratting out the affair didn't get you your man. What you did do was get that poor man scrambling his ass off; he is in "fix it at whatever costs mode”. At this point he will do anything his wife asks, including never speak to you again. You may get a sudden call or an email asking you to never contact him again. He will call you a whore, a home wrecker and his biggest mistake. He will blame you for being an evil seductress who caught him on a bad day, or manipulated him in a weak moment. He will call you crazy and he will leave you with nothing but a scarlet letter and a big ole pile of guilt and shame.

9. Guilt - The after-effects of the affair begin to sink in. You realize you have been a contributing factor in the demise of a family and possibly a marriage. You see an innocent woman's world crumble and you see the pain in her face and the faces of her children. If you have any heart this will eat at you. I know there are women out there who love to see the innocent spouse suffer. They feel she is evil, they hate her because she is his wife. These women tried to compete, and they lost, so they take pleasure in her pain. If that's your deal then I guess guilt isn't a factor for you. However, as a member of the sisterhood, it damn well should be and you need a lesson in compassion if it isn't. It was not her fault, she took vows with this man, had his children and she certainly deserves to not have a third party involved in her relationship. You were wrong, no ifs, ands or buts about it... you intruded and you owe her an apology! It wouldn't hurt to apologize to yourself either, because you betrayed yourself as well. You deserved better as did she.

10. It's Out, Judgment day! - The affair has been exposed and there are two possible outcomes a) he threw you under the bus or b) you successfully stole a man away from his family. Prepare for what's next: People don't typically have sympathy or harbor nice feelings toward home wreckers. You are not going to be judged kindly and rightfully so! Most people are going to feel sorry for the wife and the children and you are going to be seen as an evil, cruel person. Sure you may still have your network of friends, but most people (who know about the affair) are going to walk away from a conversation with you with very ill feelings of you and your character. If you are looking for sympathy on judgment day, you are going to have a very difficult time finding it. Once this man throws you under the bus you are left to pick up the pieces of the affair by yourself; it's just not worth it!

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Comments 32 comments

Honorablewoman profile image

Honorablewoman 5 years ago from Georgia

The sad part is some men do leave their wives, Brad left Jen,


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Yes that's true. I loved Brad and Jen :( Notice who came out the bad guys in that one... my opinion of Angelina was forever changed. My heart broke for Jen and I couldn't imagine having to go through that experience publicly... shame on Brad, shame on Angelina. Betrayal of any kind is so painful.


Honorablewoman profile image

Honorablewoman 5 years ago from Georgia

I Agree with you, have been there in my life, and only God's Love healed my broken heart.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

I'm glad you found healing. I lived with a cheating spouse but somehow found the strength to leave, I then went on to have an amazing life. I wouldn't change the experience if it meant missing the lessons. Best Wishes to you always :)


Chasing Riley profile image

Chasing Riley 5 years ago from Los Angeles

Infidelity is so damaging and your hubs are commendable. I saw your clarification of the question you asked about the double standard when women are judged more harshly but I wasn't able to post an answer because I had already made a response. Hopefully you don't mind that I answer you here because it's a great question. The reason the women you were talking about were judged so harshly is because they left their children. It is very hard to understand how a mother would ever give up custody of her kids even if she spends time with them still.


Stephdiva profile image

Stephdiva 5 years ago from New york

I agree with you about Brad & Jen.I disliked Angelina for a long time.But she is only half to blame.But i realize now everything we go thru is meant to happen tk us depending on where the stars are placed in our Sign.Everyone will go thru the same problem one day some before others.Ex.You hear somsons gets divorced after being happily married for 25 yrs because of infidelity.Its a cycle that repeats itself in Every Sign.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Yes, it's true, cheating is something that will always be. It's a horrible thing to experience. I have very strong opinions on the subject but I do agree that both are to blame. It bothers me greatly though that women who are mothers, sisters, friends and women who have possibly been betrayed themselves and know the pain it creates are able to still participate in doing that to another woman. I don't get it, I could never be a participant in the destruction of a family or relationship.


wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 5 years ago from Southern California

Wish I would have read this sooner. Excellent hub, thanks!


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 5 years ago from Canada Author

Thank you wonderful1. You know, it's so true. At first we believe she must be something pretty special to make a man risk his whole family for but in reality she is "broken" somehow or she would find a man who was hers alone. It's such a blow to our egos at first that we forget she is only human and not without flaws. Any woman who thinks a man cheating on his wife is a prize has some serious soul searching to do.


tsmith650 profile image

tsmith650 5 years ago

Thank you!! Oh my lord! I just wrote a hub, has alot of the same core ideals in this as is in mine. Well other than a few emotional (ahem*- trying to maintain my lady-hood here) and passionate ramblings after people tell me, don't blame her.. it's not her fault! BS! If she actually told him after she found out I existed that she wasn't going to continue if he was taken, pretty sure she is just as guilty as he, and to think otherwise is a joke. Saying nothing is pretty close to the same as lying about it in the first place right? Especially if you get caught.


phoenixarizona profile image

phoenixarizona 5 years ago from Australia

Cheatlierepeat another fantastic hub, I love how you have tried to reach out to the"other women" in the world and told them exactly of the consequences of their actions should they continue.

This is truly brilliant!

Have a great one cheatlierepeat!

Phoenix


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Completely agree tsmith, these women have to be accountable for their part in this type of destruction. It takes two and both are guilty of hurting innocent people (wives and children). I will never believe that women should only be angry with their husbands when it comes to infidelity.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Thanks phoenix... it really is a no win, it rarely turns out to be a good thing, I don't get why women make themselves available for a man to use and abuse them.


love doctor 4 years ago

This is awesome work! One of the best articles I've come across.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words.


winners 4 years ago

I find it interting that if the OW get a man she "didn't get much of a prize." but if he stays with the wife doesn't she win the same man?

"a lying, cheating, disrespectful man. Wow, what a victory" - sme difference no?

Its amazing how many woman want to stay with their cheating husbands?? just saying...


stillhealing 4 years ago

But what if the children are grown up, and the other woman is an ex from 40 years ago, she knows he is married, and this woman goes to church regularly, HYPOCRITE !!!!!! but he tells her "they have drifted apart" LIES, the wife is devoted and loving, and does all the things he asks, even goes along with his kinky ways, even though she hates it, he planned to leave his wife, he went to visit her and came home, now he wants to be forgiven, how can she forgive when she doesn't know what she is forgiving, what did he do?????? He hasn't told her anything. and won't, she has asked, she stays for now, but is struggling.......it's been 3 years and still hurting. I have learnt many things but not things I wanted to learn, bitterness and hatred, not good things to learn.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

I agree. I can only say from personal experience that many times the wives have so many years invested, along with children, extended families, retirement plans....whatever, that leaving is not always the easiest or most viable option. But then there are women like me who realize at some point that those things don't bring happiness and it's time to go. I fully agree that no one needs to or necessarily should stay with a cheater ( I didn't) but I can't or will never judge another woman for her reasons or choices....we all have our own agends and lines drawn in the sand. It is amazing how many stay...I used to think staying made me loyal, strong and not a quitter, but learned it was leaving that made me those things :)


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

Follow your heart, be strong and love yourself more than you love this man....that will help guide your decisions


Moontrees 4 years ago

Can I ask you why you left your marriage? Did your Ex-hubby change his ways? Did he try to rebuild and repair the damage he caused? Just curious..I decided to repair my marriage and I see so much change in my husband. He is definitely doing the work to repair. Am I being stupied for staying? You left after 5 years? Why?


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

He did great for the first year. I think it was probably the best year of our relationship, but then he stopped doing the work. I gave full trust back because I felt it was the only chance in moving forward. After he started being his old self I decided to check his email one day and I found inappropriate emails between he and another female, there was clearly no cheating at this point but it was definitely flirtation. I felt a man who cheated and was given the huge gift of forgiveness had no room for error. I felt if he could be capable of even this small betrayal after all the pain he saw me go through that he was still capable of more....so I left! One month after I left he started sleeping with that very same woman. I never looked back! In hindsight there were so many other issues in our marriage, he was selfish and spoke to me sometimes in ways that I should have never tolerated. Now that I am in an amazing relationship I can see clearly how dysfunctional my marriage to him was. I think people can change and others just aren't capable. He still cheats on his partners to this day


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 4 years ago from Canada Author

And no I don't think you are being stupid for staying. If he is doing the work he deserves a chance. If you feel you are still putting up with any disrespect than I would reconsider. We all have the answers inside of us about what is right and if he has shaped up, it all comes down to whether or not we want to listen to that inner voice....deep down you know if he's truly changed. Always trust your gut!


Sara 4 years ago

I was with someone for 10 whole years - (since high school). The plan was the after graduating we would get married and we were madly in love.

Anyhow, my now ex is Muslim and was taken abroad and whilst there forced into a marriage - his dad was dying and he was also beaten (confirmed by our friends)

We stopped talking once I learnt that he had gotten married. He contacted me 6 months later saying he had been forced and I told him I forgave him etc. he said that he was getting divorced as he hadn't gone near the wife and stayed true to me - I told him that if he felt she was someone he could like he should at least try, but if not then he needed to get out of there fast - he told me he had done, and whether I would consider marrying him.

I agreed - I was so happy! The plan then was to wait a few years till his divorce became old news in his community before reintroducing me and I understood this.

A month ago, 5 days before our 10th anniversary I rang him only to have a girl answer with you b**** - confused, I asked who she was and why she was shouting at me - she was his wife who he had NOT divorced, who had a BABY with, and who was calling me a whore...

I've read your article. I deserve all the hate I can get. Can I just say though had I known for one second he had stayed married and was happy I'd not have gone near him despite the fact that he was actually my partner first.

I don't have any anger towards him or her - she did not know just like me, and she has a child as well.

I just wish I could die, because since the age of 14 I have been dreaming of forever with this man.....


Sara 4 years ago

Also just to add when I was being screamed at by her and then by him (pretending I was some stalker girl) I went along with it - I kept quiet and I didn't say he had been with me 10 years, or that I had had no idea, or that he had betrayed her or so on - I didn't want to stoop that low and I did not want to wreck a marriage now that I knew this was the scenario ... I apologised to her when she told me to stop harassing her husband and then put the phone down.

Just goes to show you don't ever really know anyone, no matter how close you think you are. And I like what you said about your karma being how you react to something... I think that I behaved here as best as I could as I truly had NO idea.. even when I would look through his phone there had been nothing suspect. Anyhow. Thanks for reading.


4 years ago

Your posts really help. Thank you.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Simply put, a cheater cheats. The cheating habit does not end with a second woman; it continues. Most married men secretly think of their outside women as bimbos. When talking among friends, it is not uncommon for them to refer to these women as "whores." They often do not respect them as ladies and are not quick to marry them if their wives leave them. According to studies, men are more selective when it comes to marriage.

Most women who date married men do not realize that these men often do not want them as wives, but bed toys. The men give nice sums of money, great gifts, and believable promises. This keeps the women brainwashed, waiting, and in place when they are wanted. Cheating men do not deserve virtuous ladies, but they are the ones they, like most men, prefer to marry.

Even though adulterous women only manage to get about 3 to 5% of these married men, some are satisfied with their station for the moment. Unfortunately, many of these women do not realize that they deserve better, but low self-esteem clouds their good judgment causing them to dance to the tune of cheaters, thereby making themselves co-cheaters.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Winner said ,

"I find it interting that if the OW get a man she "didn't get much of a prize." but if he stays with the wife doesn't she win the same man?

"a lying, cheating, disrespectful man. Wow, what a victory" - sme difference no? Its amazing how many woman want to stay with their cheating husbands?? just saying."

The cheating husband may be a disrespectful liar, but he is the wife's husband and not the OW's. The wife is not wrong to stay with this man if she chooses, but the OW would be wrong. It is about what's right.

I believe that it is against the law in some states, or all (?), to commit adultery.That is why some wives can sue the other woman for alienation of affection and something else that I cannot remember. Many wives are not mindful of this, but they could do well to pursue it in order to send a message to people who infringe upon others. The other woman and the husband do not just hurt the wife but the children, family, and friends. They even cause people in the community to distrust them. They may cause their children's friends to worry about their own parents having the same problem some day. Many married couples do not want cheaters near their spouses for obvious reasons. Many cheaters do not realize that they may be outcasts among many of their old friends.


summer 2 years ago

I had an affair with my ex husband. He was and always will be the only one for me. He is married to the woman who moved in with him while we were seperated. I left him for a good reason hoping he would change a part of his lifestyle that was not so good. But instead I lost him. She knew he was still married. She moved into my home with my husband and seven years later he finally married her when she finally became pregnant. So, no I don't feel sorry for her at all. You reap what you sow. I hope her heart breaks just like mine did.


Iamthatwife profile image

Iamthatwife 23 months ago from North Western Canada

I've really been looking for something like this to read. Not that I want to feel sorry for the other woman in my life because I don't. My husband has told me about all that he's had to deal with, with this other woman before I found out. He said I wouldn't have been with her if you left me and she would have been a nightmare to deal with then. I laughed at him and said I don't feel sorry for you either.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 22 months ago from Canada Author

^ Iamthatwife - it always amazes me how they look for sympathy after totally ripping apart the soul of another human. I am glad you found this article helpful :)


Better half 16 months ago

I know I'm a little late to the party, but my answer to the question about the difference between the man the OW gets and the man his wife gets after he chooses once and for all:

I agree with what the other poster above said about how regardless of outside judgement, with the wife he is hers to have and continue the life they've built and the OW is accepting stolen goods. Fair is fair, but I think there's more to it than that when it comes to how happy they'll actually be.

When the OW wins her "prize", she's getting the deluded piece of shit that continues to behave like a piece of shit. His actions are such that he has chucked his wife with whom he's shared a life and commitment like she was yesterday's garbage. He continues with something horribly hurtful and not only still thinks what he's done is okay, but that it is true love and that he deserves to be happy, regardless of the cost to anyone else. That's the road he goes down.

People have this idea (particularly OW for whom this is a convenient belief) that wayward spouses take the easy way out by going home to their wives to reconcile. That they're just sticking with the comfort of the familiar. As many here know, particularly those who have been there, nothing about life is comfortable in the early weeks and months post-affair discovery. There's crying and yelling and the worst pain, or the worst guilt, of one's life experiencing that hurt or watching your spouse experience it. There's conditions and boundaries that any self-respecting woman would set in order to regain a sense of safety in the partnership and begin to work through it. The cheater will most likely lose privacy and all that lovely control he clung to during discovery with things like "trickle truth" which is why they usually get so defensive when questioned about the details of their crime against the asker. It's the harder road where it'll get way worse before it gets better, and will require hard work and full accountability as opposed to riding off into the sunset with someone new. When the wayward spouse goes this route, of staying with his wife, his actions are those of the man in him who wants to become better. He will have to work toward the good he was always capable of, which has started by doing the right thing - being there for the spouse he damaged so badly instead of throwing her away like a piece of trash. Because very rarely does the affair have more to do with the betrayed partner than it does with the cheater himself, who at this point is trying to recover and make it up to the one he loves.

Yes they are the same man, capable of two different things. It's like you could have in your life the addict who keeps using and hurting everyone in the process as if it's okay, or the one who recovers and heals. The OW will never get the best version of him. She will get the one who continues to hurt people with escapism, entitlement and disregard for those he should have been loyal to. There's actually a lot of info from professional sources and statistics out there that says most marriages heal from infidelity, at least when the cheater is the average cheater (and not some sociopath) and when both intend to repair the relationship. I think a lot of what I outlined here though explains why a lot of the affair-turned-primary relationships fail so abysmally and why so often someone ends up cheating in those relationships too, because they were not just assholes at a time in their lives - they were unrepentant assholes who kept attempting to validate the pain they inflicted.


cheatlierepeat profile image

cheatlierepeat 16 months ago from Canada Author

Lots of great points Better Half! I totally agree that a marriage can heal from infidelity, but it does totally depend on the individual circumstance. Mistakes do happen and patterns don't lie :) When a sociopath comes into play its a whole new ball game.

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