The Pearls of My Heart

Is it is possible that I am falling out of love with him? Always waiting for him. I’m tired of waiting for my life to begin again. I can’t keep loving him, and giving to him, and getting what I don’t get from him. This makes no sense. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and again, but expecting a different result. I think it’s time to get off of the crazy train. If only I knew how. How do you leave what you love?

I wonder if I am able to let someone else love me. I don’t want him just for sex. I want to live my life with a man who loves me. I want a life with someone who acknowledges the special days in my life, like my 50th birthday. Or Christmas. Or . . . Valentine’s Day. Or how about just a simple “you look pretty today”?

Strip away everything that is me one more time. To please him. To give more of me to someone who doesn’t seem to want me in a permanent way. There is joy in giving. But you can only give away so much without getting something in return before it is all gone. And I’m feeling a bit empty. I feel like a blank piece of paper that he doesn’t want to write on. He just doodles something on it when I shove it under his hand.

Why do I find myself to be of so little value? He doesn’t recognize the precious gift I tried to give him. But a gift isn’t fully a gift if it is not received. That’s the 50/50 of a gift. It takes a giver and a receiver to make it a gift.

There is much to be said regarding the chemistry between a man and a woman. The effects can certainly numb the brain, and control the heart and body. But I guess all of this is kind of like being an alcoholic, I mean you have to actually open the bottle and put it to your lips. And so it begins. The journey that numbs and dumbs.

Oh God, how my heart hurts. This is why God said, do not cast away your pearls. What good could ever come of that? And eventually, don’t you run out of pearls? I think I may save some of mine for a rainy day. I am a creature who thinks with her heart. And this is a difficult lesson. But I know I must begin to find my way, and hope that my heart will heal.

You broke my heart, and it shall never whisper your name again. How long does it take for a heart to heal?

© 2012 Bella Nina

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Comments 12 comments

Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

Great. Happy Thanksgiving!

Polly


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Polly . . . and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!! Have a great holiday season!!!


KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

Fascinating pictures. They follow the mood of you subject perfectly. Wonderful writing.


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Koffee. It's funny (not ha ha), but I almost deleted this hub. It's painful for me, but it is being read, and perhaps it helps others. Thank you for your input. I truly appreciate it.


jfay2011 profile image

jfay2011 5 years ago

Sometimes we have to give a little of ourselves to share something that is going to help others heal. I have shared some things too in hopes of doing that for someone. Even if I reach just one person, I have helped to make their world better than it was.


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you jfay2011. That helps me. And thank you for sharing your experiences as well in the hope of helping others heal. That is a gift.


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 5 years ago from Close to Heaven

Bella- I love this. I love your photos and think mood that your writing brings. You can really feel your heart wrenched emotions coming through. Great work! I have felt this way before too.


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Caroline. We are not alone, are we?


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Wonderful writing, the picture depicts the deep emotion perfectly.

Thank you for sharing this, I hope it has helped you and I pray your heart will heal, best wishes MM


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you for your sweet words MM. They are greatly appreciated!


prettynutjob30 profile image

prettynutjob30 4 years ago from From the land of Chocolate Chips,and all other things sweet.

Great poem,such emotion voted up.


Bella Nina profile image

Bella Nina 4 years ago from USA Author

Thank you Pretty. I appreciate your comment, and your following me, I'm following your work too!

Have a blessed 2012!

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