The Pearls of My Heart
Is it is possible that I am falling out of love with him? Always waiting for him. I’m tired of waiting for my life to begin again. I can’t keep loving him, and giving to him, and getting what I don’t get from him. This makes no sense. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and again, but expecting a different result. I think it’s time to get off of the crazy train. If only I knew how. How do you leave what you love?
I wonder if I am able to let someone else love me. I don’t want him just for sex. I want to live my life with a man who loves me. I want a life with someone who acknowledges the special days in my life, like my 50th birthday. Or Christmas. Or . . . Valentine’s Day. Or how about just a simple “you look pretty today”?
Strip away everything that is me one more time. To please him. To give more of me to someone who doesn’t seem to want me in a permanent way. There is joy in giving. But you can only give away so much without getting something in return before it is all gone. And I’m feeling a bit empty. I feel like a blank piece of paper that he doesn’t want to write on. He just doodles something on it when I shove it under his hand.
Why do I find myself to be of so little value? He doesn’t recognize the precious gift I tried to give him. But a gift isn’t fully a gift if it is not received. That’s the 50/50 of a gift. It takes a giver and a receiver to make it a gift.
There is much to be said regarding the chemistry between a man and a woman. The effects can certainly numb the brain, and control the heart and body. But I guess all of this is kind of like being an alcoholic, I mean you have to actually open the bottle and put it to your lips. And so it begins. The journey that numbs and dumbs.
Oh God, how my heart hurts. This is why God said, do not cast away your pearls. What good could ever come of that? And eventually, don’t you run out of pearls? I think I may save some of mine for a rainy day. I am a creature who thinks with her heart. And this is a difficult lesson. But I know I must begin to find my way, and hope that my heart will heal.
You broke my heart, and it shall never whisper your name again. How long does it take for a heart to heal?
© 2012 Bella Nina
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To be in the midst of a tormented love affair is to run naked in an endless thunderstorm. It is to be so exposed at your core that you exist on the love alone.