The Rug of Life
I am sure each of you have heard the expression, ' I had the rug pulled out from under me'. Well I had just that happen last night. You know life is full of surprises, some awesome, some not so. My youngest son will soon be 29. I love him with all my heart. He has made many mistakes, as we all have. I know many of you have read about his drug addictions, alcohol and abuse in his relationships. Born from one of his relationships is my Little Man, Matthew. The sunshine of my life. I had a huge hand in raising him the first three years of his life. Chance and Matthews Mom have not been together in about four years. About the time they broke up, Matthew was 3 then, they were both very angry and one day she screamed at my son that Matthew was not his child. Well of course that left doubt in my sons mind and it has eaten at him for all these years.
Two months ago my son got a lawyer and had a paternity test done. The results of that test proved that my precious little grandson is not my sons biological child. I was told this last night. It has been hard to keep from crying since then.
It changes nothing for this old heart. I love Matthew and he will always be my grandson. But I think of how it must have crushed my sons heart to hear the news. I am half way across the country from him and cannot give him a hug, sit and talk to him, comfort him in closeness. He has been lied to in a huge way. For nearly seven years he has been Matthews Daddy. He was there when Matthew was born, carried him to the nursery. Changed his diapers, fed him, played with him and of course disiplined him. I have pictures of them sleeping together, Christmases in my living room, birthdays, hugs, etc. And for Matthew my first instinct is to run to him, hold him close and pour out the love I have for him, let him know I am here for him always. I want so much to make this go away, to make his little world safe and sound from hurt and tell him that love always wins out. The best I can do for all involved is to pray and stand in faith that the outcome will be the best, the absolute best, for my little sunshine.
How does one deal with such news. I for one can only think what could this mean for Matthew? My son says it's not Matthew's fault, he is still my son. But Matthew will be 7 early in the New Year and I wonder who will say to him, 'He's not your Dad'. There are cruel people out there that would say such a hurtful mean thing, even though it's true, he is far to young to understand that. I know it's hard for me to understand how his Mom could do this. I love her and I guess you wonder how could I after she has hurt my son, and eventually Matthew, so deeply and how she will handle telling Matthew when the time is ' right'. I can only say I am a loving person that tries to see past the deed and focus on the heart. Yes she made a huge mistake but at what cost? It's like the rock that gets thrown into the water it causes ripples that fan out far beyond the place of impact. Many lives are affected by her decision, Matthew most especially, my son, myself, his biological Father and family, her family and mine. Where does it end? And what is she feeling deep in her heart? Did she lie deliberately or was she so young, 16, she just did not know or even entertain the idea that Matthew might be another mans child. I don't know, I cannot read her mind or know her heart. I can only say she is a sweet girl with a good heart whose life has not been a bed of roses. She has vied for attention from her mom who has 5 other children and has had to work to provide for them, so she wasn't always there for any of them. No real guidance or direction. We all make mistakes, big and little and sometimes those mistakes stem from how we are raised, what we learn from family and society, peer presssure, and outside sources. I am not here to judge, none of us have that right. There is an old saying that sticks in my mind, ' There is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us'. Makes sense right? So I cannot judge her nor do I want to, I just know I love her and I forgive her, I am sure that my son will not forgive her anytime soon. A girl he loved and believed and trusted with something more precious than gold, more precious than life itself, the love in a childs eyes. An innocence spoiled by a lie. I can only pray that he will see past the hurt and not let the lie jeopardize the love he and Matthew share.
My heart will always love this wonderful little boy who stole my heart even before he was born. I rocked him and played with him, taught him many things, loved him so much that the thought of him brings tears to my eyes because I miss him so much. He is just a innocent child that has no idea what goes on in adults hearts or minds. Every time I think of this situation I get this feeling in my gut. Could it be a mistake? Did someone screw up the test? I believed with all my heart that Matthew was my sons son, my sweet grandson that could not say grandma so he called me mo mo. So it really broke my heart when my son gave me the news. What does this mean for Matthew's future? Will he hate his Mom or my son? Will he rebel? Will his biological family embrace him or reject him? Will I still be allowed to see him and have him call me Grandma? So many things going through my mind. I cry as I sit here because even though my son has been hurt and Matthew's Mom's heart I am sure is in turmoil, all I can think about is how will this affect my Little Man, my Matthew? To him my son is his Daddy, he looks up to him and misses him and his eyes sparkle when he sees his Dad. To me that is the most important thing, the love in his precious little heart for his Dad. None of this is his fault yet he will be the one most affected in the end. I pray with every fiber of my being and my very soul that he will be spared the pain and anguish that grips my heart for him. That his little heart will be big enough to love and forgive and be able to move on to bigger and better things for his life. I raised him to know Jesus to know that angels are all around him always. I pray that they comfort him and soften the blow that will come eventually.
For me I shout it to the world. ' Matthew is and always will be my Grandson, I Love him with every part of me from the deepest part of my heart, from the top of his head to the tip of toes, He Is MY Grandson and no one, NO ONE will ever change that!'