The Four Weirdest people i have ever met in my entire life.

this guy doesn't even come close...
this guy doesn't even come close...

Switch

Okay, I'll Start with Switch, because I just mentioned him in the comment box of my last hub.

This guy was weird. I was working at a place called...lets just call it cinerjerks. It was a call center (the call center my last hub was about). When I first started, maybe 2 or three days in, I was sitting at my little cubicle thinking "this is so nice." I mean, even though i was a hated telemarketer, the office was clean, nothing was broken (like a few other ccall center places i worked in) and the people were relatively normal. Some out of place piercings here and there, but nothing to write home about. In walks Switch. Now, his real name was randell, but everyone called him switch. Which was confusing to me at first, because i had heard the manager say "hello randell" and then the guy next to me leaned over and said "that's switch." So, not knowing him, had i had to address him, I would not have known which name to use. (ever been in that situation??!!)

Anyway, this guy looked like he had never smiled in his entire life. he was clad head to toe in all black, 3 lip piercings, huge gauges in his ears that i could fit my fist through, and long thin poker straight scragaly black hair with light roots. Oh, and really light eyes, like a really light powder blue color.

Anyway, i watched him mutter what i can only surmise was a "hey" to the manager, and walk to his cubicle to sit down. It was a rather slow call day because it was right before christmas, and since everyone was tapped out from buying gifts, no one was ordering anything over the phone.

All of a sudden his phone rang, and this guy got out of his chair, stood straight up and smiled. it was one of those times where you see a really alarming smile, and think "please just stop smiling." I was so astounded by his immediate personality switch, that i ignore my own phone for at least three separate call ins. Switch turned on like a light, and sonded like the most spikey haired, blue collard shirt, bright white teeth guy you could imagine. he got thesale, plus 3 up sells, and overnight shiping. As the call ended he made a joke, laughed a heartly laugh, and thanked the customer. When it was over, he said goodbye and hung up. his face morphed back into its origional state of "we all die anyway so why try" and he sat down and picked up one of his many horror magazines, and resumed his pasty, long haired, black wearing, loner personality.

This happened the same exact way every day that i worked there.

When we would go on lunch or break, he would take out this really dirty "this is where i keep my pot" canvas bag, and pull out what can only be described as penny candy. It was relly old time stuff like "bit-o-honey" and "mary janes" He even had this stuff that kids used to eat to disguise their breath if they were drinking or smoking. I cant remember what it was called, but it came in little square red and gold pouches. I happened to be outside one day and he came out and sat down uncomfortably close to me as if i wasn't even there. We sat there smoking in silence, until he put his cigarette out, and pulled out one of those little red and gold pouches. not being able to resist, I said "randell"  (yea, out of respect and fear i decided better call him by his real name) "randell, what is that" he looked at me, and gestured for me to hold out my hand. I did, and he emptied what looked like tiny black charcoal squares onto my palm. he then dumped the rest into his mouth. (which by the way was "creepy clown" huge when his jaw was fully extended) Following his lead, i proceded to empty the stuff into my own mouth as well. It had to be the most disgusting thing i have ever or will ever put in my mouth. This stuff tasted like potpouri. And not the wood chip potpouri, the oil stuff. i spit it onto the ground, and after 5 minutes of clearing my mouth of all traces of the stuff, and drinking from my soda, and spitting, and poping some gum, i looked at him and said "what the fu*k was that?! he just smiled this huge creepy smile that was so not the same as his fake call answering smile, and got up and went inside.

When i got back in, i told the guy sitting next to me what happened, and he just laughed at me and explained what it was. He said it was liccorice based, but im telling you that stuff didn't taste anything like liccorice.

So that was switch, and my strange encounter with him.

Eliot

 This guy I met at another call center job i had. I worked there a few years brfore i worked at cinerjerks. This place was a mess. The cubicles were messy, the people were rude, and it was pretty much like being in detention, only we all had to get 5 surveys completed an hour. Lets call this place " Eye see Are."

I was in my last year of high school when i started this job, in the late spring of 2003. This job lasted until late winter 2004.

it started out okay, as the only rule was to get however many surveys an hour that night that was mandated by an alchoholic woman who sat at a desk facing all of our stations.

She was weird too, by the way. She used to drink before work in her car, and eat sunflower seeds all night. By the end of the night, there was a pile of seed shells the size of a grapefruit on her desk. usually I had one or two shells stuck to the bottom of my shoes when i got home at night, but anyway...

Back to eliot.

Eliot somehow always was assigned the station next to me. Lucky me, right? Well, im a weirdo magnet. Anyway, we happened to be reading the same author that night. I had my sci fi novel with me, and he had his graphic novel with him, and they were both by neil gaimen. i leaned away from the table just for a second, and looked over at the clock. I caught his eye long enough for him to say "neil gaimen, huh?"

The offensive smell that poured out of this guys face crypt was so aweful i cannot even describe it in words.

Me, being polite, and just barely able to breath without vomiting, got out a "yea hes my favorite" and got up to go to the bathroom for a breath of fresh air.

When i got back to my station, i smiled at this black girl who was really funny, and really loud. She was always singing, and talking, and making everyone laugh. She followed me with her eyes, and when i sat down, to my horror, eliot was ready to continue on about neil gaimen.

he couldn't even get one word out before this girl, i think her name was sandra, yelled out: "Eliot, leave that poor girl alone, were not gonna have anyone left workin here, if you keep scarein' people off wit dat stank ass breff."

hahahahahahaha, To this day i can't think about that without cracking up. I laughed so hard after Sandra said that, that i had to excuse myself to go outside. Even after that, i was on the phone with a homowner doing a survey about At&t, and out of nowhere i started cracking up, and had to hang up on him. i was sent home that day, and the whole drive home, i was laughing histerically with tears streaming down my face.

The next time i sat near Eliot, he had a huge pack of spearmint gum on the desk, almost like he was telling me that he had the situation under control. The gum did curb the vomit impulse, but you could still smell a hint of something. Kind of smelled like there was a dead cat under a porch somewhere in there amongst his bicuspids. Sandra had walked past me after i sat down, and stopped to ask me how it was going. She looked over at the gum, and touched Eliots shoulder saying "okay, okay, got some gum, okay." hahaha, like she was not going to let the breth thing go without letting him know she knew he had an issue. That shit makes me laugh, im sorry for all the cursing, but holy god remembering this is fun.

anyway, with his wrigley breath curve, he asked me if i was married. Now, i was about 19 at the time, so it was a weird question to me. Looking back, i guess its not so weird. And i knew he didn't want to ask me out or anything, it was just a question. He went on about how he goes to the comic shop every saturday, and i found out we watched the same show (coupling) all of the time, and we talked about neil gaimen. Then it dawned on me. How old is this guy? I honestly cant tell you if he was 22 or 42. Their was something weird about his face and body that made his age some kind of enigma. he would say things about living with his mom, but that could have been a kid still at home, or a loser old guy living with his mom. I don't know.

I caught Sandra outdise one night on break at around 8:30. I went up to her and said "listen, i want to ask you a question about Eliot, but you cant be funny about it, because i have to sit next to him, and i don't him to think im laughing at him for the rest of the night."  Sandra kind of smiled and said "mmmmmhmmm, okay, i could try." I asked her how old Eliot was, because i couldn't tell if he was 20 or 40, and she said "i never wondered about that before, but that's somthin, cause i don't think i could even guess."

I thanked her for not making me laugh, and told her id let he know if i found out how old he actually was. I turned around and got as far as 4 feet before she said "mmmmm, stephie, how it working out sittin next to him w dat creepin ass breff..." i turned around slowly trying to keep my decorum, and said very calmly, "Its ok, i think the gum is helping a little..." she then walked over and leaned in really close, looking at me, and studying my face. She said in a very low voice "yea, but it still stink tho, right?" i finally just let go, and laughed, and said, yea, its still bad, but not as bad as it was." Then, as she was walking away, she looked back and said "his mouth just smell, and that's all there is to it, you can shove as much gum as you want up my a**, but it still gonna smell like shi*."

Now, i know that she was being mean, but if you could have only witness this breath for yourself, you would have been laughing too. Even what she said wasn't that funny, unless you knew her, and knew how serious she was, but how funny anything she ever said was.

For a long time after that Eliot would sit next to me popping gum like nobody's business, and telling me stories about how his mom only ever ate green jello, and how the guy at the comic book store had a cat that wore an eye patch. Just the weirdest stuff you could think of. On one of my last days there, when work was starting to get too slow, and shifts were being cancelled, and i knew i was going to have to find other work, eliot sat down next to me. He had graduated to those mint strips that dissolve in your mouth, and was although still stinky, even more tolerable than he was with just the gum.

I looked over at him, and said "Eliot, how old are you." He looked over at me and smiled, and said "how old do you think i am." I was kind of stunned, and kind of put in a corner, as it seemed he was aware of his untelling features. I said "Um, im not really good with ages, i was just wondering." Eliot, still siling said "well im not good with questions." He then got up, and walked out right in the middle of his shift.

I never saw eliot again, but i have to say that he was on of the weirdest people ive ever met. Only because its almost as if he didn't even have an age. Most nights i would just sit there freaking myself out with thoughts that he might not even be human. I mean, the breath was that of an underworldly demon, and his face...i just couldn't put my finger on even a guess of what his age might be.

That night as i was walking towars my car, Sandra walked up to me, and asked me if i found out how old Eliot was. i told her what had happened, and without skipping a beat, she said "girl, we may never know how old he is, but i guarentee, hes just about as old as his toothbrush..." And while she was walking towards the bus stop, I could hear her talking to herself saying things like "might wanna run some tests on that toothbrush, might could find out about how old his stank mouf really is..."

And that was my experience with Eliot.

Jared

 There was a short three month period after i quit "Eye see are" That i got a job at Starshmucks.

This is where i met Jared. Jared was completely paranoid. For some strange reason, he was under the impression that the government was watching everyone at all times. He was one of those guys that thought "if i just take the proper precautions, ill be safe." Safe from what, i don't know. All i know is that this guy definitely deserves a place in this hub.

The first time i noticed anything unusual about him, was about 2 weeks into my working there. For the first 2 weeks, the manager was clocking me in, because  they didnt have a number for me yet. Well when i showed up for work monday morning, the manager gave me my number, and told Jared to show me how to clock myself in. I watched as he put his hand into his pocket, and pulled something out. I assumed it was going to be a piece of paper or something with his number written on it, but it was just a metal card. He held his hand with the metal card above the screen while he punched his number into the register, and pressed enter twice, looked at me, and walked away. I did everything he did minus the card thing, and once clocked in, I walked over to the manager. I was sure at that point that the metal card had something to do with the clocking in process, so i asked him when i would be getting one.

The manager looked at me like he had no idea what i was talking about, and told me that there was nothing more that i needed but a winning starshmucks smile, and that i was all set. He went into the back, and that's when i found out just how weird jared really was.

This girl named rene who was always chewing on a huge wad of bubbicious, walked over to me and introduced herself. A puerto riccan guy named anthony clocked in, and rene immediately said "anthony, jared did the card thing right in front of the new girl." Anthony looked shocked, and I just kind of stood there feeling slightly out of the loop. "He's paranoid, girl, he's an f-r-e-a-k frizeek. Anthony went into the back room to get one thing or another, and rene started to clue me in.

Aparently, the card was some kind of weird way that Jared was trying to "block" his clock in signal from being monitored by BIG BROTHER.

She also told me that Jared refused to get a licence, and drive a car, as both had "micro chips" in them that were "easily trackable" by the government. Oh yea, he was one of those.

"wait a minute," I said "what the hell does a 21 year old kid think the government wants with him." "No one knows" rene told me. "all we know is that he wont do anything "traceable" or anything that may or may not keep track of where he is. The only reason he got this job was because he said his mother thought it would help with his paranoia." "So then he's aware that he's paranoid?" I asked her. "No, hes aware that everyone else either thinks he's paranoid, or knows what's going on, and life is like some kind of huge conspiracy."

She then went on to explain to me that as paranoid as he was, he was the one keeping track of everyone else.

She warned me not to leave out a pay stub or an old time sheet by mistake, because that was the kind of thing that Jared collected. He was keeping tabs on everyone in his life, aparently trying to figure out who was watching him, and when.

As much as i didn't want to believe this, as much as i wanted to shrug it off, and just take what they were telling me as "messing with the new girl", there were too many strange coincidences that followed durring the rest of my 2 and a half months at Starshmucks.

In the following days i noticed that jared drank an excessive amount of coffee. black coffe. He would drink 4-6 cups durring his 8 hour shift. i can't even handle one cup, as coffe makes me nervous, so i cant imagine it was any good for his paranoia, but im pretty sure it had something to do with it.

Like i said, i didn't work there for very long, just 3 months, and th rest of what i remember is kind of scrambled, so im just going to list some of the things that i remember.

  • One day i got to work early, and was just sitting in my car smoking. I see Jared ride up on his bike, and when he sees me, he makes this face, like he's alarmed that i was there, like i was watching him or something. I swear to you on everything that is sacred, that when he took off his helmet, there was a shiny metal coating of tinfoil.
  • Jared had a little pad he carried around with him, and he frequently took it out, and joted things down. One day on his break, rene and i watched as he was in the parking lot, and seemed to be writing down the licence plate number of a guy that started just 3 weeks after me.
  • i left my hours sheet on a table one day after work with a bunch of my stuff, and went to the bathroom. When i got back to the table, it was gone.
  • I heard the manager yelling at him in the office because he couldn't find the schedule he had just created, and Jared was the last one in the office.
  • Jared would stare at debit and credit cards customers paid with, as if commiting the numbers to memory. He was confronted more than a few times by the customers for this, and by the manager.
  • i found out that the manager was in fact his uncle, leaving me to believe that's why all of this was tolerated

Yes, jared was paranoid, and he was an actual person. At the time that i quit the job, he had been on "vacation" for a week. rene and anthony, who i mostly worked with assumed that his vacation was at Ancora Mental Hospital, but as to where he really was, i don't care. I wasn't freaked out about him, it actually made the time fly by at work, but Starshmucks just wasn't the job for me. There was something about the smell of coffe and mochachino that started giving me serious headaches, and so i quit.

I do wonder though sometimes how he's doing. Maybe he got help, or maybe he's still out there feeling like the world is watching his every move. I feel sorry for him. Its got to be tough feeling that kind of paranoia.

Steve

 As some of you may know, i went to a penecostal school for a few years. When i was in ninth grade, in the middle of the year, we got a new kid. Now in any other school, this kid might have been able to just fly under the radar. Not in a private school. Usually private schools are small. For instance, i only had 3 people in my tenth grade class, and we were all girls. Well, beings that we all knew each other, and were like on big family, you could see how hard it could be for a new student to come in and make friends. Especially if that kid was weird. Steve was weird.

Steve never talked. And im not saying that he had trouble carrying conversation, or that he only spoke when spiken too, im saying he was mute. he had the ability to speak, he just wouldn't. I was always nice to everyone, and as most of you know, i was the kid who always befriended the underdog. So Steve was a challenge for me. I can remember sitting at the lunch table next to him asking him questions. I was trying as hard as i could to get him to talk to me, but he would just nod or shrug, or stare hopelessly at his bologna sandwich.

It was then that I got the idea. I got a piece of paper, and wrote my questions down, and he wrote me back answering every one of them. When we had gone through 3 or 4 pieces of paper, i wrote "Now if i ask you a question out loud, will you answer me?" Steve wrote yes, and I asked him if he'd like to hang out sometime. Steve spoke. Steve said "yes."

Now, when you befriend the person who has no friends, you should be careful. Im telling you this, because its something my mother would tell me, and then give me a big "i told you so" when things didn't quite pan out the way i expected. What i expected was normal friendships, and that is seldom what i got.

That friday night, the phone rang, and my mother answered it. She handed me the phone and said "steves mother wants to talk to you." She was smiling, as this is the start of the weirdness she knew was coming. I took the phone, and steves mother said that steve wanted to talk to me, and she put him on the phone. "hello?" I said after hearing nothing for a solid minute. "hey" said steve. he asked me if i wanted to come over the next day for a few hours, and i agrred. We gave our mothers the phones, and they figured out directions, or whatever.

The next day when i arrived at his house, it seemed that his mother was stuck in the fifties. The couch was covered in plastic, and i being a big girl at the time, found that horrifying. not only was i wearing shorts, and stuck to that couch like glue, but whenever i stood up, there was a huge mark on the plastic of which i can only describe as what it looks like when you breath heavily onto a pane of glass. I was leaving butt marks that looked like hot breath.

The movie that was on, was friday the thirtenth.

His mother asked me if i was thirsty, and to be polite i said yes. She went into the kitchen, and after 15 minutes of a loud noise that i didn't recognize, she came back out into the livingroom with what she called "fresh apple juice." The "fresh apple juice" was an amber colored liquid with huge apple chinks floating in it. Aparently the noise i didn't recognize, was a food processor, and 3 apples screaming for mercy. It tasted exactly like 3 masacred apples would taste.

i took the polite 3 sips that you take when somethig repulses you. The first sip to taste, the second sip to make sure it was actually as bad as you decided after the first sip, and a third to assure the maker that you like whatever they offered you.

Steve asked me if i wanted to see his room. I said ok. His mother said "make sure you close the door." Which was totally strange to me.

his room was covered in blood. Haha, got you there! What i mean is, it was covered in horror movie posters and figurines. He actually had action figures of murderers, and movie murderers, like leather face, freddy, and jason. The paint theme was "blood splatter" and he had books like "top ten American serial killers." I caught his bloody knife clock out of the corner of my eye, and said "my mom wants me to call her around 3"

I called my mom, which she knew no matter what i said was her cue to come and get me. Just to let you know, my standard was "Well you wanted me to call you, yes everythings fine, no his mom's really nice."

My mom was there in fifteen minutes, and i acted like i didn't want to leave. My mom of course, gave me her usual speech about how im just a weirdo magnet, and that i just ask for this kind of trouble. She laughed at the juice thing, though. We were always a "shoprite instant iced tea" family.

And that was my short friendship with steve "future serial killer!"

Definitely not 4 of the 5 people you meet in heaven!

 Yes, all of these people were people i knew, and everything i have written in this hub is completely true. I dint fabricate any of it. These people were weird, and walked in and out of my life, leaveing an impression on me that i still can't shake. I hope you enjoyed reading this hub, and again, its just another peek inside the pink umbrella.

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tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

pink, your so freaking funny that your hilarious- this was funny and informativelets face it we all know a Stank Breaff, paranoid, a crazy horror freak, and a creepy switch like guy.... you are a nut magnet those five and me a goofy once dead guy from buffalo insert creepy voice here "So pink what color socks are you wearing *heavy breathing * so do they match your shirt". Heavy breathing- maniacle laugh "wooohahaha" *teehee* ok no need to answer that - I know you have no socks on.

because your practicing your taiquon do .. of course-... for all those crazy stalker types out there in your apartment area....

Golly pink you have met some ctazy types

I wonder if i was a weird person on someones list- i was sarcastic guy always a quick sarcastic comment- who sometimes went to far....for years I'm the semi clueless chap that takes a joke that inch too far..like the time i mentioned a girls "b;ack hair" IT was black she started crying because it was "dark Brown"... my a$$ she had black hair-i said i thought black hair was pretty on girls- trying to be complimentary-but holy mackeral- she flipped like the coin before kickoff...she was mental but totally hot so oh well....she was funny though. I loved the hub- wanna copy the idea if it is Ok- unfortunately- i am one of the strangest people i know...

cHEERS GREAT JOB I FEEL I KNOW THESE FREAKS NOW...


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

hahahaha, Tom i couldn't wait for someone to read this. You know, i had such a good time writing it that i think i found my new nitch, humor. lol. All i have to do is write things that actually happened to me, because my life is so strange. One can't help but laugh at some of the things that happen to them. Especially the elliot situation, my god. I read the eliot one to my brother over the phone, and he started laughing so hard. "you called his mouth his face crypt!" he kept saying over and over again. lol. Im glad you enjoyed it.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Tom- haha i cant stop reading this, ill have to add to it when i can weed the not so crazy ones out of my mind, but i do have a few more people that would qualify for this hub. Its not that im a weirdo magnet, i don't think. Its just that everyone i meet has a freak flag more prevelant than most. And don't down the freak flag, i let mine fly! By the way, howd you know im not wearing socks. I only wear socks with shoes, and i rarely ever wear sneakers. Im the girl you see at walmart at 2 am in december wearing crocks or flip flops. Speaking of walmart...have you been to that "people of walmart" site? if not, go there, and click on "photos" you will laugh your a** off.

I think ive been getting too lose with the curse words, as all my adds have mysteriously disapeared. Then again, ive only made .01c so far, and ive been here for almost 6 months, now.


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago

Hey Pinkie,

When I saw "Jared" on your list, I was getting a little worried. haha This was funny stuff. But Eliot was pretty benevolent as far as alien androids go. Boy am I glad I've never needed to take a call center job.

I think the weirdest person I've ever met is this chick I took out on a date from an online dating site (bad idea!). She seemed cool online. She turned out to be much larger than her profile picture indicated, (some ladies have a very strange idea about what 'curvy' means) but I was willing to look past that and see the night out. Here's where it gets weird. First she reveals that she writes fantasy porn, with magical half-human half-animals getting it on. Getting a little on the odd side. Then I find she's set up two dates on the same day without telling us, so there's another equally-confused guy there. Then she keeps trying to arrange things so that we're both close to her on either side. Clearly she's trying to arrange a threesome and neither of us guys are having it. On top of that, she insists on taking both of us to an all-Polish Catholic church service--the last place you expect the Furry porn three-some girl to take you, really.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Jared- ahhhhhh! she was a furry! that's clasic. Im so glad that none of my dates are deserving of this list. She took you to church? You guys should have ditched her, and just hung out with each other. Alot of chicks will either put a false picture up, a dated picture, or a shoulders up picture on their profile to hide the rolls.

I never understood any of that, because shouldn't you get any rejections out of the way to begin with? why wait till your face to face, isn't that what the internet is so great? so you don't have to deal with that personal rejection?

i don't know, id rather have someone know what there getting, and be excited about it, than to have someone in that dark aboutwhat i look like, and then meet me, and run the other way. Your pretty nice for seeing it through, though. then again, if we didn't let oureslves experience these things, what would we write about?? lol


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

Sure Sure you skinny pretty people are all alike,,,Its all about looks us people who are "funny" and have a "good personality" are not good enough for you prety skinny folks.... Some of us just are not pretty enough *sniff sniff* don't worry I'm used to it *sniff sniff* ...I'll be ok I'm ok I'm alright....your both so kind to the visually challenged...

Cheers

TH


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Tom- lol, i do not care about looks whatsoever...i have a feeling you do though...hiding behind that giand lizard...haha. prefrance here is the issue, and yea, while im turned off by some things, there are other things that i couldn't care less about. As long as someone can make me laugh, im game. Ans speaking of skinny...you will never catch me with a skinny dude, or a muscle dude, i like big guys. Not slobby guys, but big guys. A little belly, and a little chub never hurt anyone. ---But thanks for the compliment! And im sure jared was more concerned about the fact that she lied to get him on a date...makes a person feel "had"


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

Yea i know how he feels my friends lied to me about a blind date- she was supposedly a nice person but... she rhymed with witch= she was so- opinionated and not a nice word came out her trap but she thought i was great i was funny and I guess i didn't punch her in the face- so she wasn't used to apolite guy so my buddy ened up suckering me into another date I woulsd not have agreed had i known she was insane sometimes first impressions are the only ones.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

totally, i cant stand someon who just $hits all over a conversation, its like, we could have scheduled the date around your period, moody.


MrKnowledge profile image

MrKnowledge 6 years ago from Tacoma!

Oh Em Ef Ge. The best hub ever. I don't even know how to take this. As soon as you mentioned the funny black girl, I already heard someone in my head saying something about some stank ass breff. She is by far the best person in the hub, minus you of course!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Mr.knowlege- email me (the.pink.umbrella@hotmail.com) And ill tell you a secret about the funny black girl.

thanks for calling it the best hub ever, i think its my second fav that ive written! and i lughed out loud to myself while writing Eliot!


bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 6 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

Soooo happy I stopped by tonight instead of crawling my pathetic ass right into bed! hahahaha I needed a good laugh and this my friend takes the cake. The line from the Sandra was classic and if my back didn't hurt so bad I would've happily landed on the floor laughing over that one! Still wish I knew how old Elliot was or maybe even "what" he was. All of them were great and your right, without people like this, our lives would be boring and we would have nothing to write about.

I've been coming across some "fine folk" myself with this whole leasing furniture job I landed and I'm sure within a few more weeks, I could have a pretty good compilation of strange characters I have had to meet. Does make the day go a lot faster though. And the "People of Walmart" site is definitely a place on the web everyone should check out. I took some "pics of walmart" when I was down in the Ozarks a couple months ago...only really good pic I got was where their toilets were located...outside and they were the port-a-potties. Ewwwwww Walmart was so small you could literally see all 4 walls and NO food section. Four t.v.'s made up their electronics section which was located in an aisle..and the aisle's themselves were so small only one person could fit in them at a time! If someone was at the other end trying to come up..well boy howdy they better turn that "bus" around and go the other way! There was no way I was backing up, risking life and limb to not knock shit off the shelves. Hahahaha

Well off to bed, thanks for the humor Pink. Keep up the great hubs! Think I'm gonna start torturing gummi worms. A guy at work buys them by the bagfuls and conveniently leaves them sitting on my desk. Maybe I'll drown a few in my coffee and the rest I will rip in half and put back in the bag...that's what the lil a** gets for continuously sending me out to deliver all the hard shit! Mwahhhahahahaha I am the gummi worm killer!! lol


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Blades- so excited to see you, love! You need to go to toys r us, and go to the barbie section. get that barbie chef set. Pull some gummie bears out of that guys bag, and stab little knifes through their little hearts.

Then, if he asks you about it, laugh and ask him if he's f'n nutz. That will keep those gummies at bay!

If you really want to torture gummy bears, tho, go home with a bag, and heat up a spoon on the stove, then mush it into their little heads. Both effective, and satisfying! (i did it the other day with a gummy sponge bob...i was whispering "you like that, that what you get...") lol. Glad you stopped by...Hope to talk to you soon!


bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 6 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

hahahaha I love new ideas to do to those lil ba*tards! because we all know that secretly I have certain people in mind, when I'm doin it! lol "Stab little knives through their hearts," Priceless! Off to see what kind of "shagging" I missed while I was at work. Now I just got to find out where it took place! hahaha ;D


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Blades- lol, if you look on that hub i just wrote, you'll fin out all about the shagging! haha lol


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home

Pink,

I may have to write about my odd work experiences too now.. oh boy this will be interesting all the folks i've met out on job sites- in all sorts of neighborhoods...


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Tom- im begging you to write it! I love hearing about unique experiences that involve strange people!


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

Hey Pink, I was bouncing around HubPages, checking in on some profiles. I noticed your hub on the apartment, but then found this one. I had to check it out to see what you call weird, of some people and no doubt, you've run across some pretty strange people. I've known a few myself, but the impressions yours left on you, has happened to me. I do hope one day you can get rid of the eerie feeling. :) Btw- nice picture on the profile. Thank you for sharing another piece of you. :) Always a pleasure. :) :D


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

Cagsil- haha, this hub makes me laugh out loud every time i read it over. Just wrote a new hub tonight...had to rev myself up to write, but i don't like letting too long go by without writing. hope you check it out. :)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

dang!!!!! your profile pictures are making a man out of me!!!!! and what a fine writer you are: full of wit and fun and keen insight and acute perception!!

So refreshing to read the words of this obviously beautiful woman with a world class sense of humor!

You have it all - and lucky for us in hub-land to be able to share this journey with you!!!


zzron profile image

zzron 6 years ago from Houston, TX.

As Forrest Gump would say, 'Freaky is as freaky does'


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

epigramman- ha ha. I figure i should take as many pictures of me as i can, that way when im old, i can say "your grandma was a real looker" lmao.

And as a side note, i wouldn't say i have it all...but i got a lil somthin' teehee


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

golly pink!

I've met some weirdos too but not that weird. Oh wait, there is a girl I know.....who is wiccan, has a black cat who makes her bleed so she doesn't have to , has cigarette burns on her arms, eats junk and smokes all day..won't swim ...well, don't want to give anythhing away lol thanks for the weirdos


ladyjojo profile image

ladyjojo 5 years ago

LOL hey eliot cracked me up id read the other two characters when i get some time


ChristineVianello profile image

ChristineVianello 5 years ago from Philadelphia

Haha....I love these people you have encountered in your life. I do like switch, I think we have all met a switch at work.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

lol, right?


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

lol, right?


manthy profile image

manthy 5 years ago from Alabama,USA

Well I must say I really enjoyed reading your hub ;0)

It is truly funny how some people even get a job & can be so weird.


Jared Peace profile image

Jared Peace 5 years ago from the deepest pits of boredom

hahahahahaaa....OMFG... hilarious!! I would love to meet Sandra! The 3 sip rule!!hahahahaha

Very observant => RESPECT

P.S- Jared is not my namesake, just for the rec.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

haha, i love that you loved it!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...yes I just had to revisit a classic - what a wonderfully spontaneous and loose writer you are - very much what I would call a 'jazz' writer with plenty of nerve and verve and poetic ad-lib too - almost makes me wish that you included 'me' as your '5th' weirdest person you've ever met - lol


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

epigramman- this is not the category id put you in. lol.


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Switch was in the proper job for himself...basically out-a-sight; creepy indeed. Stank ass breef just about says it all for that guy. Tinfoil helmet..lmao! Paranoid people like Jared should always be monitored carefully ha ha. When a boys mom says close the door, watch out! pink umbrella I really like your humor , stream of consciousness & open style:D


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 5 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

lol thanks alastar, such a treat when people comment on this hub because i get to read it all over again, and laugh so hard that truth be told, i wee a little, lmao!


glassvisage profile image

glassvisage 5 years ago from Northern California

Wow, you are a great and funny writer! I admit that I sometimes don't read Hubs all the way through when they're on the longer side, but your style of writing is very engaging and made me want to read more. I think it's great how you broke up the text. I'd be so intrigued to see photos :) Thanks for the Hub!


@MagicBoy profile image

@MagicBoy 5 years ago from Qatar

Very Weird...least to say...thanks


Lola1929 profile image

Lola1929 5 years ago from Oregon

Interesting people you meet, pink. They say we draw to us people we need to learn a lesson from. It seems to me you learned compassion, a sense of humor, and how to draw weird people to you! Very funny!


BeyondMax profile image

BeyondMax 4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

LOL I'm crying from laughter, my poor head hit the wall and I have a bump now! Pure awesome read, thank you for an outstanding observation of mighty weirdness! Love Elliot story but I was screaming "NO!!!" I wanna know his age like right about NOW! LOL Mystery unsolved, guh, not fair! (Talk about us, weirdoos) =)


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 4 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

BeyondMax- lmao, this stuff is true, i knew these people so whenever someone comments, i re read and fall myself with laughter lol. sorry about the bump, i recommend a bag of peas haha. you want to know his age- once and a while ill be going along in my life maybe changing my sons diaper and stop and think "28...34...46...!?" lol


BeyondMax profile image

BeyondMax 4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

That's just so freakishly awesome, I'd have cornered the guy for REAL until he confessed =) But then again, you know those restraining orders and stuff...but at least I would have known the friggin' answer to the puzzle dammit! Now then, when I'm lying in the coffin and lookin' stoopid at the coffin's lid and thinking - wha the heck was Elliot's age...huh! ROFL bugger! The biggest mystery of them all. Amen to that.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 4 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

HAHAHA!!!! and you only read about him lol, i have to picture his ageless face!


Secret lies profile image

Secret lies 4 years ago from Redlands California

Sad I am


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 4 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

you should be. no one lies to me.


CM Sullivan profile image

CM Sullivan 4 years ago from California

Pink, I really enjoyed reading this! I am always observing people and their behavior as well. I actually have some friends who would be considered stranger than the people on this list. One of my friends Natalie would have loved to be at that guy Steve's house, the thought of him killing her would have turned her on! She used to love it when this creepy ass guy (who looked like a cross between Steven King and Guy Pearce with a young face yet gray dusted in his hair) would come into our work and just walk around holding merchandise but staring at her. He wouldn't say a word, just stare without even blinking. I don't think he ever blinked. He just reeked of serial killer. Natalie would hope he was in the dark parking garage waiting by her car with a straight razor. She said that thought made her....well she was crazy. Awesome hub Pink!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 4 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

well as many of my fellow hubbers know, i believe everyone has their own personal stalker. someone whos watching you always waiting for the opportune moment. patient these buggers are as i believe mine watches me go to and fro. lol, never would i want to meet him though! awesome reply lol, thanks for reading me!!!!


CM Sullivan profile image

CM Sullivan 4 years ago from California

Damn, I actually looked over my shoulder out the window after reading your reply, haha. So Pink, are you saying I have an obsessed person who has a closet shrine with all kinds of papparazi style pics, locks of hair(taken silently from my head while sleeping), toe nail trimmings, and candles made from years of collecting my shower drain scum, just waiting for the right moment to romantically court me? lol. You are going to turn me into a Jared, haha. "Hey bitch are you texting or taking a pic of me!!" *writes down license number*


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 4 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

i ove that you had the confidance to describe candles from the makings of your shower drain scum. i fucking love that, and yes. So the next time you go out to your car because you think you left your mac card on the seat, know that about 60 pics and whatever you may have dropped to and from your house are now going in your stalkers house. they watch you all the time. pull the shades down!!!!


CM Sullivan profile image

CM Sullivan 4 years ago from California

Hahaha! Whatever I dropped to and from my house, lol. Iam going to turn on all the lights and pull the shades UP while I get undressed to shower tonight! Add some fuel to the fire of their obsession, yes! I just have to push the limits of stuff like that definitely. I will look out the window while undressing and mouth the words "for you" haha. Then I will probably wake up tied to a bed with my ankles broken or something lol. Or just scare the crap out of some innocent old lady taking an evening stroll outside my window at that moment.


Andrew 4 years ago

Very funny - you do write stories well. I enjoyed reading them.


Jason l Davis profile image

Jason l Davis 4 years ago from Zip City, Alabama

you kinda amaze me the more I read.I am in awe.your a Born writer...jld

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