The breakup cure
The breakup cure 1
Alright, this is it, my first blog.
You see this is actually a big step for me.
As long as I can remember I've dreamed of being a writer. In fact I started writing many books that eventually aborted before they saw the light. Each time, I was really enthousiastic about getting started, but midway through the process I stared doubting myself and thinking that the quality of my writing just wasn't so good, so I stopped writing. So this is it. The smallest step I can take on the journey of living my dream. So thanks for reading me, and I hope you find this helpful, or entertaining.
A few months ago my relationship came undone and I was left looking for an apartment, looking for myself and my purpose. This guy actually broke up with me 7 times before I finally realised I just had to let go. I'm not kidding. You read correctly, 7 times. Ah! Do you want to hear something even more pathetic? He would break up with me and then he would call me back sobbing, depressed and sad and I would be the one to console him! For breaking up with ME! Each time, this happened, he would feel better, hang up and I would feel completely depleted.
With puffy red eyes I turned to the internet for advice and found disappointing advice on how to get him back (I must admit I did ponder on the possibility that this was a good idea). Oh the pain. I couldn't really deal with being alone. Most of my adult life, I either had a boyfriend or romance to occupy my thoughts and daydream about. Having a boyfriend actually gave me a sense of confidence, a sense that no matter what happened I had someone that loved me and cared for me. But really the relationship was flawed from the get-go. I wasnt ready to admit that, because being in a crappy relationship felt better than then feeling crappy by myself.
This romance was chipping away at my self-worth with every passing day. I would beat myself up, and think wow I must really be a bad girlfriend if my partner constantly criticizes me. Am I to demanding to hope he would actually introduce me to his friends when we meet them on the street? Why doesn't he want us to live together? Why does he get angry at me because I wake him up in the morning to talk and snuggle? Why am I feeling jealous? Why doesn't he want to go on vacation with me, hell I'm even offering to pay for some of his expenses.
Maybe I need to be more patient, maybe I need to swallow my anger and repress my feelings so I can keep my boyfriend happy and have some confirmation of my being worthy of receiving his love and attention. Maybe I shouldn't mention that he was supposed to call me last night because he might think I'm over demanding.
Does this sound familiar?
Maybe I can convince him that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and that he cant see himself going through another day without having me around.
Epic delusion. Convincing him? Come on, girlfriend you are way better than this. And point blank: this doesn't feel so good does it?
I realise now, that it was up to me all along to say, wait a minute here, I don't like being treated this way, I don't like having to question my personal value because some other person is not appreciating me for who I am. It was up to me to decide not to let another person love me any less than I love myself. It took me 3000$ of therapy, about 10 self-help books and many talks with people who actually love me to realise this. So go to therapy if you can afford it, buy or borrow some self-help books and let's blow this break-up blues out of the water.
So this is what you're going to do. You're going to start feeling better, I know you don't believe me now, but hang in there I know you can do it.
Buy a journal.
Write down all the times he disappointed you. Come on, let it all out, nobody is going to read it, this is for you. Write down all the annoying things he did, how he never helped around the house, how he snored, how he had sex with that skanky-skank-skank from the bar, how he loved to verbally masturbate with his boring monologues, how he criticized you, how he didn't listen to you. The point is to write down what was not so perfect with Mr. Wrong Ok. Now keep this list handy and I want you to read it each time you feel like calling him (Don't call him!) or each time you start to feel the relationship wasnt so bad after all.
Talk it out. Reach out to your friends. Each time you want to take to phone to call him (Don't call him!) call a girlfriend, call your mother, call your cousin, call your co-worker, call a wrong number but don't call him! There's nothing he can tell you that will make you feel any better, I promise 100% sure you will feel worse if you do call him. Oh and by the same token, delete him from your facebook, your twitter, your myspace etc. You know you're going to be checking updates, spying on his wall, looking through his pictures, hoping to see him come online like a crazy lady. I know this one is hard, but you have to do it. If he is still calling you, block his number, block his email. It may sound radical, but let's be honest, we are secretly hoping he will call us back to apologize and tell us he's been a fool and all he really wants to adore you forever. Not gonna happen. I know you want it to happen hun. But read the list of crappy things he did or didnt do in your relationship; is that what you really want? (Ok don't answer, your mind maybe isn't all that clear right now).
Ok, get out of bed. Being even minimally productive will help you feel better. When I feel in the dumps, I try to look for the smallest active thing that I could be doing. Take a shower for instance. Then you'll be thinking, well at least I showered today. Wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, do the laundry. Then you'll be thinking, well at least I showered, I washed the dishes, cleaned the bathroom and did the laundry. Manual work is really good to clear your mind, and the added bonus is a clean apartment!
Cry it out, feel the pain. Dont just jump into meeting some other dude.
What do you really want (I know that question again!). Do you want to have a random hook-up? Meet another guy that probably wont call you back? Or are you looking for a long-lasting relationship? Well forget about Mr. Right-Now if what you really want is Mr. Right. Dont forget, you dont want anyone who loves you less than you love yourself. And the pain you're going through right now is blurring your focus. So let's focus on you and letting you feel more love for you. When her relationship ended, my friend hooked up with a guy she met on the net, they dated twice and things were going great so they had sex on the 3rd date. Then he didn't call her back. She eventually got a hold of him and asked him what was going on, and his answer was that he wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment. Jeez thanks dude, don't you think you could of told me this before we had sex. Not exactly the picker-upper my friend was looking for.
Take a fresh page in your journal. Write you name in a circle in the middle of the page. Then draw medium sized circles on the page all around your circle. Write the names of people who love you and appreciate you in these circles. Make the circles into suns by adding rays around them and tie them to you. You can put the name of you ex in a shaded cloud somewhere on the page. Now look at how many people love you and what to light up your life!
Write a letter to yourself giving yourself advice as if you were your best friend.
Choose a mantra and repeat it to yourself as much as you can every day until you really feel this is true. In fact it is already true, you're just not feeling it yet. Tell yourself: I'm worthy of being loved and adored. I'm feeling more and more confident each day. I'm a gorgeous woman. I'm feeling positive and happy. I'm attracting positive people all the time. I love myself. Choose a positive self-affirmation, heck choose many and mix it up. You're totally worth it. I believe in you!
My friend told me so many times I had to love myself first, that I had to take care of my own needs before I could really enjoy being in a relationship, and I think I never got what that meant until a few weeks ago. You see I was always scared of being alone, scared that I would grow old alone, scared that I wouldn't find my soul mate, scared that I was getting older.
So I never actually tried to enjoy my single time. I did do many things while I was single, but their purpose was to distract me and occupy time until I met my next lover. Oh boy.
But the thing is, you can't be scared of being alone if you are enjoying every minute you spend by yourself. As simple as that. So what do you love girlfriend? Join a dance class, go to yoga, go to the gym, take some cash and go on a vacation, paint, sort the pictures you have on your computer and select some you want to enlarge to frame in your apartment, write a blog, call a friend each day, go to the self-help section at the bookstore and buy yourself a nice picker-upper, get your haircut, give yourself a manicure, move the furniture in your apartment, try to cook something new. Step out of your comfort zone and try something you've been putting off because you didn't have enough confidence or didn't have enough time. You have a person to take you out to dinner and to buy you flowers: YOU! Ah! Take the cash you would've spent on a Valentine's, birthday or anniversary gift and go buy yourself a treat.
I started painting. I suck at painting. It's really a challenge, just like the writing thing, I start doubting myself. I wish I was talented for it but I'm not, and you know what: I don't care. I'm doing it for me. I like to be able to paint whatever I want, mix colors, and being creative.
Thanks for reading all the way through. I'm proud of myself (positive affirmation of the day!!!)
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