The foundation of real love

(It is your fault that this happened)

I have counselled so many couples, many of them married. We all here know that People usually get married only after they have sifted through many potential partners, finally choosing the one they believe will provide them with the fulfilment of their dreams. Ideally, marriages should be the cream of all relationships, the best of the best.

Without wasting much time,i want to first address the story by Manisha which i shared last week. At the end of that story, she said this. “In the end, the most fundamental difference between us turned out to be this: That I had never learned how to swim."

She realized that the problem between her and her partner was because she didn't know how to swim.

That same thing applies to each and every one of us. And where are we going with that statement? Well the problem most of us face in our relationship is because we always fail to understand each other very well.

She didn't know how to swim but on the contrary means that she didn't understand him.

What is it in your partner that you don't or didn't understand?

His perfection or imperfection, his attitude, his impatience, his affection for others, his inability to manage his anger?

Your partner is suppose to be your source of all pleasure and pain. And this brings the topic for the day.

BLAME.

“We always blame the other party when things go wrong. It is never our fault but that of our partner.”

First let us find out few of the things that bring up blame or blaming one another in our relationship.

The first thing which is also the basic thing that brings up blame in a relationship is inadequate love.

Being in a relationship is amazing, the excitement of having one person you love in your life brings out the best in you, the journey in every relationship is like an open door of possibilities butt then something happens along this journey. Something that will eventually put you in a position where we begin to see that special someone as the cause of your misfortune, the cause of your failure, the cause of your set back, you begin to feel uncomfortable with the one person you love. Well this is just an evidence of inadequate love.

A relationship that lacks sufficient love is thus characterized with:

1. Impatience
2. Imperfection
3. Insufficiency
4. Misunderstanding
5. Unforgiving
6. Competition

Mike and Naomi

Mike is well educated but his impatience makes him see his lovely wife Naomi as imperfect in every manner you can imagine and that puts her is a situation whereby everything he does no matter how good is insufficient so that is the main reason why they always misunderstand each other, and the worst part if that they both don't have the spirit of forgiveness so instead of supporting each other, they live competing with one another.

If you did understand the illustration in the analysis above, then you will agree with me that the problem is not just about him, it is about him and her. About you and your spouse. One man cannot make an Island they say therefore, one person cannot be wrong in a failed relationship; it takes two people fuck it up.

In essence, i am not saying that things don't turn our bad even when one follow the rules but my point here is that Relationships fail not because of what each partner does or does not do. Relationships fail because they are not built on a foundation of Real Love, but instead are based on a counterfeit currency—Imitation Love—that can never buy happiness.

Finally, when things are not forthcoming, when you feel that your relationship is going the wrong direction, do not just rest the blame on your partners,(Ladies in particular). Instead, communicate and commiserate with your partner.

Have you wondered why so many blissful marriages end in divorce? Or why some relationship end in disaster? I guess that the answer is Yes.

Emeka and Toyin worked in the same firm before setting up their own joint venture. Toyin contributed majority of the fund although the business was based on equal value. They worked hard and competed in the market and their business expanded and grew with four other branches and as their business venture was expanding, something was also happening in their lives, they were liking each other deeply, being there and watching each other’s back. They were examples to many young and new romantic partners then as they deepen in one accord, they tied the knot which was categorically where the relationship was heading from day one.

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In this story, you will agree with me that Emeka and Toyin gave their relationship everything needed to guard it and most importantly commitment. They were committed to both their business and their lives. Now what you also need to know about them is that somewhere along the line, they began parting from each other. Emeka at one point told a close friend that their tribal difference was not helping matter in their home.

Toyin also told a close friend that their different religious view was the center of the issue they had. Well as I sat down with this couple, I realized that it was neither their tribal difference nor their different religious view because they both knew about these two factors yet they married each other. It is not a crime for an Igbo man to marry a Yoruba woman and neither is it an abomination for a Christian to marry a Muslim but the issue is that they both lacked the main ingredient which keeps a relationship strong.

REAL LOVE.

If Emeka and Toyin had real love, this once soulmates will not become combatants.

Your partner is suppose to be your all source of pleasure and pain.When things are not going on well for example in the country, you blame the government and eventually God. This is simply because you think more about yourself. The problem is not religious view or tribal differences but lack of understanding. There is never understanding where there is no real love.

What is actually real love?

Real Love is not seen outwardly, it is seen inwardly, that means that you have to accept the inward personality of your partner. Real love is accepting the imperfection of your spouse or partner, accepting his or her views in issues like religion, politics, social, etc. This acceptance doesn’t necessary mean that you are abandoning your own views. No! Not at all, rather it means that you are genuine. Real love means being genuine.

But because you are not genuine, you will never accept that part of your partner and at the end, you will blame him or her for the forthcoming. You will tell him or her that it was his or fault without taking in your ingenuity. Any relationship where one of partner is not genuine is doomed to fail. In the beginning, couples in this relationship achieve the illusion of happiness only because they give one another enough Imitation Love and it seems hundred percent real then when the effect of imitation love begin to wear out, these couples begin to understand that they were never attracted to each other and eventually, one (Especially the women) will cast the whole blame on the other.

I am by no means claiming to be an expert in this field but with my experiences in life and the fact that I have counseled with so many couples, many of them married, discussed it with professionals and read a lot about it, I can clearly list the major characteristics of real love but before I do so, may I first identify the attribute of real love. I call it BCCC. Real love does not BACK BITE neither does it CONDEMN, COMPARE or COMPETE. Now you will agree with me on this.

Characteristics of real love

1. Faithfulness
2. Thoughtfulness
3. Forgiving
4. Understanding
5. Supportive
6. Respectful
7. Acceptance

Self love which is the imitation of real love possesses all of the above but the thing about it is that, it doesn’t withstand trials, difficulties and pressure. It begins to wear out where real love is needed. If Emeka and Toyin like so many of us loved each other and wasn’t into the relationship basically for the material benefit, they would have truly be respectful to their religious and tribal differences and he would never cheat on her. They would have being more thoughtful about their relationship and not themselves. None of these is difficult with real love.

I am not saying that even when it is real that there isn’t conflict. The thing is that when you are genuinely attracted to each other, you will find yourself thinking more about the happiness of your partner therefore, when trials knock at your door, you will not begin to see your partner as the wrong person which most of us does when challenges come. When it is the imitation love, couples simply bail out during conflict which might be a mere argument or difference in views but when it is real love, couples stand to work on each conflict as they journey in their relationship.

A relationship which is rotted on winner takes it all is an element of imitation love, in the sense that one partner is always right. The other has nothing good to give or contribute. Therefore, if you are in any form of relationship, be it courtship or marriage, examine yourself and know if you are the type who takes the lead and the win, this is imitation love.

Your spouse’s opinion and contribution matters a lot for a relationship to grow strong and be able to stand any form of conflict. With the understanding of real love, we can now differentiate it from the imitation love and also understand why so many relationships fail to work and why so many marriages end in divorce. Relationships fail not because of what each partner does or does not do. Relationships fail because they are not built on a foundation of Real Love

What is the foundation of real love?

The foundation of real love is the ability to listen to your partner in times of conflict, the ability to forgive and the ability to support; it is not the ability to blame neither is it the ability to win in every argument. Finally, real love is the ability to accept your partner unconditionally.

2 comments

carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 2 years ago from Northeast United States

Very good hub :). I understand your views and agree with them :). I like how you explained real love and counterfeit love .... Both seem alike until a deeper look. Thank you for sharing.


Rossimobis profile image

Rossimobis 2 years ago from Biafra Author

Thanks coming over and for sharing the same view, i will come around your hub in a moment

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