They Broke Up Over Bad Communication. He Wants To Know What To Do. - Relationship Advice
I have to say I love your advice and I would appreciate you opinion on my relationship. It's a long story but I will try to keep to the key points.
We go together last May and thingh progressed slowly and surely, I was very comfortable apart from the odd outburst she had that I didn't call her enough (she would wait till she got annoyed rather than call me to tell me she missed me). Fast forward to October and she is talking about marriage and rings, which dragged me forward in the relationship, maybe a little too fast, but I loved her so all was good. November our first big fight, I got a little drunk and called her, she went mad with me as she had been in an abusive relationship and was frightened I would do the same, which I never would.
Things have never been quite the same since... She got stressed shortly after with buying a house and her work got really busy, which it will be till May.
The new year brought new challenges and I withheld the fact my grandparents were sick as her Dad was also sick and I did not want to upset her, she found out and was devistated that I could not open up with her, which I have been doing slowly as we developed, I guess just not fast enough for her.
The relationship ended at the end of Feb after she got annoyed with me for sharing a hotel room with my friend and his sister, a completley innocent sharing of the room I hasten to add. She said I was not ready to be a boyfriend.
I told her I would not lie to her and after the conversation, I realised I had in the very beginning of the relationship. So I confessed. I told her that I had not been intimate with one of my female friends when I had, this was 6 months before I met my girlfriend and totally over, but my girlfriend had sensed I had when she saw me with my friend. I did not tell my girlfriend when she asked because I was not ready to open up about that, but as the relationship moved forward I realised I had no choice.
So my question is, we have been been on a break / broken up for 4 weeks I have respected her wished and given her space to find herself and I have had one text where she "really hoped I was diong well".
I just don't quite know what to do, at the moment I miss her a lot and just want her to make the right decision for herself, but I find myself wanting to call her.
Do you have any advice?
Wow. There was certainly a lot going on.
My advice would be more accurate if I knew your ages. I feel like you are either around 23 and have just gone through your frontal lobe development, or you are around 29 and have just gone through your Saturn Return.
Looking at your relationship from the outside, I can see both sides. You lied early on about something significant, and that goes to trust. She always felt something was wrong and her suspicion problem played a part in her behavior. Additionally, you lied about your grandparents and she is again reinforced with this information, that you can't be trusted.
From your side, you felt that you would have to lie to her and rationalize that as that it was for her own good. You lied about your relations with your female friend because you didn't want her to be needlessly upset. You withheld important family information about your sick relatives because you felt it was too much for her to handle.
The truth is, you lied because it was easier. You didn't want to deal with her being upset and pulled apart.
Buying a house and stress at work are significant, and it's good that you acknowledge she's in a place in life that has her a little frayed. Additionally having to deal with feelings of sadness and frustration over ill family members, I'm sure she was more than a little tattered.
Women do tend to hold back things that we think will nag or annoy, until we just can't take it anymore, like her explosive outburst about your lack of calling. She wanted you to figure out to call more on your own. When you didn't, and it built up, she blew. The other factors play into this though: she already felt like something wasn't right, and she was right.
The drunk call thing I don't know... Did she see a sign that is a red flag to her, or did she insert all the other misplaced emotions she was having into that one moment. I'll leave that one to the side for you to think about.
The reason I think you've just had one of those major threshold crossings in your life, is that you've obviously grown up and changed a lot over the course of this relationship. The fact that you came clean and told her about the girl that's a friend, is very significant. And I give you a lot of credit for that.
Honesty is an unbelievably important aspect of a mature and healthy relationship. Of course there is never a reason to hurt someone's feelings if you can avoid it, but pretty much all the bases you were covering are clearly significant to the heart of trust. You don't get to decide what she can handle and what she can't. You don't get to decide not to tell her something because you don't want to have to deal with her emotions and her fall-out. I think you figured this out for the most part. You even validated her instincts on your early-on lie.
The good news is, if you want her, you can have her. The text she sent is evidence of that. Her level of upset is also indicative of how much she really dug you.
The thing you have to do now, is be sure. This girl has been through enough. If you really do miss her and want her and feel you can handle a good committed relationship, make a grand gesture like a dozen red roses sent to her work place and a card that says "Please let me take you to dinner to talk. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you."
But if you aren't sure, David, please just let it go. She's trying to heal, and any contact from you interrupts the healing process, like pulling a blister off the burn. It can't help. The only way you should reinsert yourself is if you don't want her to heal because you don't want her to get over you, because you want her back.
If you do decide you really want a committed relationship with her, and you take her to dinner to talk, you need to leap right in with promising her that you will be honest from now on. Tell her how much you've learned, how much she's taught you. Encourage her to really open up to you, too. Communicate clearly, and promise to keep doing so. Really, everything that went wrong, comes down to a communication problem. If you want to, you can fix that.
Please keep us posted. Namaste.
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