Things For Stupid Burglars NOT To Do

This is a successful jewel thief

He has taken his time and checked out his target.
He has taken his time and checked out his target. | Source
Sometimes it takes more than one burglar to do a job.
Sometimes it takes more than one burglar to do a job. | Source
Burglarly in the Old West
Burglarly in the Old West | Source
Vintage burlglary. Notice the long coat and black mask?
Vintage burlglary. Notice the long coat and black mask? | Source
Burglary is not a noble vocation as this deceased man found out.
Burglary is not a noble vocation as this deceased man found out. | Source
Playful burglary used by huge ad agencies at Christmas to induce us to spend more money.
Playful burglary used by huge ad agencies at Christmas to induce us to spend more money. | Source
See how carefully this jewel thief selects his "haul."
See how carefully this jewel thief selects his "haul." | Source
A good burglar knows ahead of time what will be good items to fence.
A good burglar knows ahead of time what will be good items to fence. | Source
I love vintage hold-up's.
I love vintage hold-up's. | Source
Ahhh, the highwaymen of yesteryear. What a job they had in robbing stage coaches for money.
Ahhh, the highwaymen of yesteryear. What a job they had in robbing stage coaches for money. | Source
Cat burglary is all but a forgotten artform.
Cat burglary is all but a forgotten artform. | Source

LET ME BEGIN BY SAYING

"I am not condoning burglary or any form of thievery. In fact, I say to you would-be burglars, this is a crime, stealing from innocent people." "This is only a humorous take I am presenting "IF" burglary were an accepted form of work in our society." "Hey, we all need a laugh now and again." Kenneth

Time was, and I am stating that it was many years ago in our country's history, that burglarly and burglars (some) were silently-revered as Robin Hoods, but those days are long gone.

I guess I should be thankful that in 2013, burglars are not as much "laying in wait," for some unassuming slob to come lumbering down the pathway in order to hold him up at gunpoint and take his loot. But I'm not.

Some stand-up comedians are quick to say that the I.R.S. and Internet hackers are today's new burglars. I can understand the Internet hackers, but as for the I.R.S., I am sure that "the" comedians I heard, only used this powerful government agency as a comedy reference point.

Personally, I have nothing against anyone who works for the I.R.S. They have to make a living just like you, the average worker, so let's all take a moment of respect to show the I.R.S. just how much they all mean to us as Americans.

Burglary has many forms. There was once a form of this "dark dimension," of our history known as "cat burglary," and this term is easy to understand. A trained and seasoned burglar who has "cased," or checked-out his house or business, will silently slip-into his target while the occupants are out and before daylight, he has made-off with a good night's "booty" of jewelry, valuable coins, and sometimes collectible items such as guns, model cars and paintings.

In the vain of Robert Wagner who in the late 1960's had a big hit show on ABC Television called, "It Takes a Thief," where his character was commissioned to "break into" enemy agent's homes and headquarters and legally-steal back the top-secret documents that they, the enemy agents, had stolen from the Federal Government.

This was a great show, Bob, if you're reading this story in the confines of your luxurious Hollywood apartment.

Burglary and burglars are not to be confused with armed robbers. Burglars do their work while no one is at home and armed robbers do not care who answers the door or works behind the counter at the local "Quickie Check and Convenience Paradise Store," they are ready to do business with a handgun and with a few quick, dangerous verbal threats, they hit the darkness with a bag full of dough and cigarettes. Sometimes a bottle of two of choice liquor.

This all being said. I mean to tell you that if "you" are one of the ones in our drab economy in 2013 who think that burglarizing a place of residence is a justified way of making ends meet, think again.

Burglary takes nerve. Burglary takes skill. And if you do not possess one of both of these traits, get yourself a job at the local slaughter house or car wash. So what if it's minimum wage? You can sleep good at night.

And for you would-be burglars who idolize Robert Wagner's hit show about stealing, take a good look at the revealing list I am presenting below, and you might come away more educated about being a burglar.

This list is lovingly-entitled, "Things For a Stupid Burglar NOT To Do," and they are meant to help enlighten you about the lawless life you dream about.

NEVER leave a business card anywhere in the home or business when you are finished with your burglarizing. "Burglar For Hire," and giving out your home phone number is pretty much stupid. You will not, I repeat, not, go far if you commit this dumb mistake.

NEVER take your take-out food into the place you are robbing. You might bite off half a french fry and drop the other half on the floor and some up and coming DNA expert who works for the cops will trace it back to you and next thing you know, you will be on TruTV's Dumbest Criminals shows.

NEVER doze-off while taking "from the innocent and keeping for yourself." There are dumb burglars and there are near-insane burglars. Such as the one who is working inside a home and decides to take a break on the huge, comfy bed in the bedroom where the homeower keeps his valuables in a wall safe. Do your sleeping before you try to be a successful burglar. Can you think of anything as stupid as having the local police arrest and photograph you in a bed fast asleep with the safe open? Man, even your court-appointed defense attorney couldn't help you.

NEVER "do a job" without first, buying yourself some rubber gloves. Playtex used to have great plastic gloves. I've been told. By using plastic gloves, you eliminate the chance of having the police trace your sweaty fingerprints you left on the refrigerator door when you were robbing the owner of the local beer distributor. Think. Use rubber gloves. Most successful thieves use them.

NEVER use the telephone in the business or residence you are burglarizing. I mean, do not call your wife and tell her that you will be late because you are on a "new gig." The authorities have ways to trace phone calls made from homes, so avoid the temptation to let your pride cause you to get nabbed.

NEVER team-up with anyone to be your "partner in crime." Hey, fifty-fifty does not work in the economy of 2013. Things are bad, Jack. If you "are" going to be a burglar, be a "one-man show." Having a partner means two things, and both are not good. 1. You will have to share the loot and who whats to do that? and 2. If the partner gets miffed at you for any reason, he can make a deal with the cops for a lighter sentence and "kick you to the curb," for a lenghty jail sentence. Do I make sense?

NEVER start a wild spending-spree immediately after you "score." The owners of the business or home you have just robbed have talked to the police and they are watching local stores, car dealers, and so forth to see whom buys lavish amounts of things with cash. Be wise. Stash the cash in your mattress for a few years. Do not change your lifestyle at all. That way, you will avoid drawing unwanted suspicion.

NEVER get greedy. Greed is the worst enemy of any burglar, not the police. Busted burglars serving time today will tell you that if they had used moderation, they would not be behind bars. Do not fool yourself into believing that you are invincible. Stay humble. And wise. Be a burglar occasionally, not every night and chances are, you might get away with your crimes.

NEVER try to impress your high school or college chums at the annual reunion by answering this question, "so, Nedd, what do you do today for a living?" "oh, I just show-up and 'steal my paycheck,'" what a stupid way to tip-off the cops who are looking for you. Just say, "oh, what I can. I work part-time at the butcher shop hauling off bones," something like that. Your school chums will not care that much about your life and leave you alone to plot your next job.

NEVER keep your "stash" where you life. Are you that dumb? If you are picked up for questioning, your residence is the first place the cops will search for the valuables you stole. I know that I said to "stash your cash" into your mattress in a tip above, but that was only in a metaphorical sense. Not meant to be taken seriously. Keep your valuables in an out-of-state storage rental company. And if you are caught, do not tell the cops where you left the huge amount of cash, jewels and other nice things. Oh, you might have your wife or girlfriend, if she can be trusted, to make sure that the payment on your storage facility is always made on time. Wait a minute. You can't do that. She won't have the money. Okay. Take out about ten year's worth of money, deposit it in the bank and tell the girlfriend of wife to send a check to the address of the storage company every month and above all, do not squeal to the girlfriend or wife what it's for.

NEVER drink huge amounts of liquor. I mean this if you love to get drunk with the guys. This is logical to me because most drunkards who are also burglars, love to brag when they are intoxicated about "their" secret life as a thief. Then when sobriety hits you, it gets serious. What if your drunken pals were to blackmail you? See how getting blitzed can harm you? If you must indulge in drinking, do it moderately and do not get wasted. Or you will spend some "wasted" years in prison.

NEVER leave a "paper trail" where you live of phone numbers, addresses, or anything else that can be used to nab you. A stupid, non-thinking burglar will not need such devices as sticky notes to remember the address of the mansion you have "cased" for several nights. Be smart. And be quiet about what your burglar plans are.

That about does it for the "Things Stupid Burglars NOT To Do," list.

In closing, just let me say that I know most who read my stories are great friends and followers and I wouldn't want a one of them to even think that "I" was sitting here churning-out advice for people to go out and break the law.

No sir. No ma'am.

I have a heart of compassion on the down-trodden of society. Always will. And like my economics teacher, the late Mr. Ruble Shotts, of Hamilton High School, my alma mater, told us as seniors . . . .

"when you graduate from here. Be "the" best at whatever you do. No matter if it's burglary or preaching, be "the" best, because the world is already full of "second-rate" people who do not care about their jobs."

So how did I end up writing stories?



If a burglar is successful, and by that I mean, NOT being arrested

Sizzling books like this are written about you.
Sizzling books like this are written about you. | Source

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Comments 23 comments

writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Here's another one. Avoid Dull Man! He'll put you to sleep! I've always enjoyed listening to the morning radio and hearing about dumb criminals. It makes a Monday morning all that worthwhile. :) Voted up funny and shared!


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Well-advised ideas here and thanks for enlightening me on such a helpful Hub


torrilynn profile image

torrilynn 3 years ago

Hi kenneth,

really great tips and ideas about what burglars shouldn't do

i think this was a well written hub and may even help some people

voted up and shared.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 3 years ago from the South

Another funny hub! When I hear something stupid a robber did that got him caught, on the news, I have to believe in karma! I'm sure some of them have probably done things on your list!


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 3 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and funny. Great hub. lol There are quite a lot of bumbling burglars out there in this world. Enjoyed and passing this on. Love the advice of the fast food. Somewhere I remember reading that one guy had packed up all he had wanted to take, then gone in the kitchen and made himself lunch and since the neighbors had seen something odd they'd called the police. He was finishing up his lunch when they arrived. lol


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear writinglover,

LOL! I will avoid, at all costs, Dull Man. And I, Superman, (shhh. NOT a word to anyone), thank you, (Wonder Woman), for sneaking a few minutes out of your hectic crime-fighting schedule, to read this hub. I appreciate it very much.

This hub is a paradox. If it HELPS someone to be a good burglar, then I am hurting someone at the same time.

Oh woe is me. Wonder Woman, please come and counsel me!!!!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DDE,

Thank you sincerely, for your kind words. I can always count on you to cheer me up.

You have a great day and stop back sometime. I would love it.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Torilynn,

Thank you, friend, for your kind comment. I do sincerely appreciate you reading this work.

I hope that you have a terrific day.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, catgypsy,

I agree with you on the karma thing. Especially when I hear in the news that some low-life has robbed a priest or his church. That has to be the lowest besides stealing from a blind man's tin cup.

God has a way of getting these people's attention.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Gypsy Rose Lee,

Long time since we talked, my good friend. How have you been? Good, I hope.

Thanks for your comment on this hub about the stupid burglar who stopped to eat.

Moral: "best to be wise and hungry than filled and prosecuted."

I bet you didnt know that I am a part-time philosopher.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Hi, Super--, I mean, Kenneth. For some reason, I didn't get a notification for this hub, but my sixth sense (as Wonder--I mean, Diana) told me to go through your profile to come here. If you're hurting anybody, you're hurting the burglar more than a victim. I say so because burglars don't take time to read, especially dumb ones. Even if they did read, they'd skim the hub and they would miss a lot of details. Besides, I'd still be there (as Wonder Woman) protecting helpless citizens!

Take care, dear friend!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Diana, oops, I mean, writinglover,

Thanks for the always-sweet words from your keyboard. I love to read your comments. I do not know why HP is like this at times. I wrote several times to their HELP address to complain about the space on the text boxes being too much and other things.

Now lately, I have had the same problem. NO nofifications from YOU on my sign-up email: kennethavery5376@yahool.com, but thank God, that is fixed now.

Oh, back to burglars. I can just see you "taking care of a gang of thugs" dressed in striped sweat shirts and black masks . . .LOL. And one day I will fly, errr, I mean drive to where you live and see you in action, oops, I mean at your favorite restaurant.

Thanks again MY DEAR Diana, rats! I mean, writinglover . . .

Do what?

My super hearing has detected a lady in Kansas being yelled at . . .

Awaaaaayyyyyyy!


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 3 years ago from California

My son's friend was dog sitting for our neighbor. The kid was just supposed to feed the dog. When the owners of the came home I got a call. Did Bobby lose his retainers, yes he had and we had been looking all over for them. He and his friend had decided that they needed to spend time with the dog and drink soda and ... My son being so careful of his retainers took them out and left them. He had to go get them and apologize for being in their home when they were gone.


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 3 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

A burglar would be wise to heed your advice! I loved It Takes a Thief too...partially because of how good looking Robert Wagner was:)


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 3 years ago

I love the news stories that share how some burglar has made a mistake. They are always funny and leave you wonderfing how could someone be so simple-minded? Those that make themselves food -- better use gloves at all times! Great article.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Tireless traveler,

I'm sorry for your sad news. We don't live in a perfect world, and when I realize this, I'm much move at peace.

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, picklesandrufus,

Thank you for your sweet comment. Especially the part about Wagner.

Please come again soon.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, teaches12345,

Thank you for your delightful comment. I always try to be of help--even the pitiful, unsuccessful burglars.


LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 3 years ago from Australia

Oh. Kenneth. You're a newspaper man. Time for an edit.

How about you rewrite it with top tips for new burglars like, "Raid the fridge but take your gloves off before you eat ... and don't forget to use a fork, you don't want to make a mess!", "Use the phone to call home before you leave ... the call will be free!" and "Race down to the nearest store and spend up big ... if you've got some cash you may as well wave it around. People respect big spenders!"

And your top tip could be "Don't be in a hurry to fence the stolen goods. Impress your friends and neighbors by displaying your new collection of tv's and stereos prominently on tables near your windows ... it's good to look like you've just won the lottery!"

That's the kind of really helpful advice I'd like someone to give my local burglars. Gee, I'd even print it out and stick it on the local lamp posts!

:)


LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 3 years ago from Australia

Hey, Kenneth. Where are you? I hope you're not busy rewriting this hub. I was only clowning around! (And I did warn you the other day it would be a cheeky comment. :)

Mind you, I was thinking while driving into town today that you could add "Buy yourself a drink to celebrate. And while you're at it, buy one for everyone else in the bar!" Gee, the possibilities are endless. lol.


sweetie1 profile image

sweetie1 3 years ago from India

Funny and well researched. I really liked what you say never go 50 50 in 2013.. Very good hub.. voting up and awesome


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LongTimeMother,

(this is to address both of your sweet comments)

I was in the paper business for 23 years. Talk about hard times. I was in this business before PCs were used to set type, lay-out pages, etc. We did it on old Compugraphic equipment and worked very late one night a week to get out our weekly edition.

But soon the ink got in my blood and I was hooked. Most people who have worked for years for a newspaper will say that the "ink never gets out of your blood," and oh how true.

I love your edit/rewrite. Yours was much-funnier than mine. I mean it.

Why don't you do a reprisal of THIS hub with my permission and do it from a female angle . . .Idea: "Why "I" (you) Would Have Made A Great Female Burglar." It would be tremendous.

Use as information: females are more patient than men especially in safe-cracking. There is no, "hunny, hurry up! My game is starting." Etc.

You can do this.

And I do love your style of writing and sense of humor.

Thanks again for your input.

:)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear sweetie1,

Thank you so much for liking my tips. Oh, the 50 50, I would hold fast to that one if "I" were going to be a burglar.

Good thinking, reminding me of that.

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